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Posts by Anonymoussenior
Joined: Dec 29, 2010		 Last Post: Feb 1, 2011
Threads: 17
Posts: 124  
From: United States of America

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Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / James my barber (determination and courage essay) [3]

James did it all but never stopped cutting.- nice first sentence.

Although he is my barber, I think of him more as a mentor, and it may seem unusual to have a barber be your mentor but I suppose who we choose as our mentors in life is up to destiny. - you said mentor three times in this sentence alone. It sounds repetitive.

he does not force suggestions onto me nor does he just lightly advise me

He gives me the freedom and independence to make my own decisions, but at the same time he acts as my guide. - how does he guide you if he does not give you advice? contradiction. freedom and independence mean the same thing, no need to use both.

North Star; that does not - remove the ;

We are faced with challenges that drain the energy from our bodies and minds

When talking to James, I explain these issues, whether it be the Band concert, or the labs due in a few days, or the events my clubs are planning, or even the community project that I need to help finish. - cut this sentence down some.

find a way to make the 4th paragraph flow after the 3rd

I like the ending of your essay as well.

Please read my edited Northwestern essay
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I used to giggle at doctors" - JHU Supplement #1 [6]

I have to say that your title was the main reason I clicked on this essay and it did not disappoint. You clearly develop the essay chronologically from when you were a child with acid reflux to why you want to enter the medical field. I agree with the other posters about elaborating on the philosophy aspect but otherwise great essay.

Not only did the information we were taught come to me easily, but it was also the only class in which I would stay awake after those sleepless nights that happened so consistently, just because the subject matter was so exciting to me.- this sentence is rather long. You may want to cut out the part about falling asleep in class though because it doesn't shed a positive viewpoint on you as a student.

great essay. Please take a look at my Northwestern essay I just reworked it and I need feedback.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I want to be a Wildcat; I want to go to Northwestern." - Why Northwestern [14]

Thank you moderators for taking that girls Northwestern essay down, as she quite clearly reworded my essay to make it into her own. I mean seriously its not in the boondocks but I would still love it if it were. And her second paragraph was almost a carbon copy of my own, she just changed the classes for her major. Please people write your own essays and if Northwestern questions me about the similarities between our essays I am reporting you. I do commend you stranger for adding the part about your race, it made your essay a little different from mine, however the elements of my essay copied and pasted into your essay was hard to ignore. If you post that essay again and I see it before the moderators I will close your thread.

Sincerely, a write scorned... write your own essay next time.

Please don't suspend me for this but it took me hours of writers block to come up with this first draft and I don't want someone else to benefit from it.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Swings, Media, and Why I Want to Attend Supplements [2]

I love the sense of tradition and pride at Notre Dame.

I want to be part of a close-knitt community that not only cheers together, but alsolend a helping hand.

so it would be nice to meet a diverse people who I can connect with on both a spiritual and intellectual level.

Change all I'll to I will
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "my low grades" - Northwestern- would you send an essay like this to a school? [11]

Your essay is your chance to shed light on the positives that you would bring to Northwestern not to remind them about other aspects of your application. that being said focus more on you and what NU can do for you. Focus more on the promt of why NU.

Please read my why Northwestern essay.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Invisible Man" Influential Book [5]

The incident cemented in me the

Deeming something to be wrong with society

Great essay but I think you should add a little bit more about yoursef and you individuality. How exactly do you stand out from others?

Thanks for reading my essay
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Haiti's capital earthquake" - UCF essay (short) [4]

This is a good essay but I don't really see how it answers the prompt. The only possible bump in this caused in your life was worrying about his saftey for three days.

Other than that the essay appears fine gramatically.

Please read my why northwestern essay.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I want to be a Wildcat; I want to go to Northwestern." - Why Northwestern [14]

Why Northwestern essay 400 words

Now, almost a year after my initial visit to Northwestern, my excitement towards the university continues to grow. I can still remember walking around campus observing students, with nothing but my baggy NU sweatshirt and my trail of footprints in the snow.

To me, Northwestern is not just about the beautiful suburbia of Evanston nor is it an escape from the blazing temperatures of Atlanta for the bristling snow of an Illinois winter. Additionally, Northwestern is not just about being a member of the Weinberg college community, it is about being a member of the larger Northwestern family. Here I will find myself pursuing my goals of becoming a doctor, while also forging the greatest friendships of my life. As a student, I could start the day out with a snowball fight on the quad, then have a meeting with my pre med advisor, and finally end the day with Who Owns the Past? an enthralling seminar taught by Professor Ann Gunter. (or an enthralling seminar about Who Owns the Past? taught by Professor Ann Gunter.)

At NU, I could use my autonomy to take advantage of the unique classes offered in Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences and explore my love for various subjects. I would also benefit from Weinberg's small class sizes and the personal learning experience Northwestern is known for. I would make full use of the quarter system, and use my flexible schedule to get involved in a renowned research project, or to simply relax by the painted rock and get involve in club activities on campus.

No matter where my Northwestern journey takes me, I will be constantly learning both inside and outside of the classroom. There will be times when I will feel homesick, and times when I appreciate the distance from Evanston to Atlanta. At some point I will probably feel like I am so deep in school work that I could never get out, but I will remember my experiences at Northwestern just the same. I will probably at some point argue politics, while simultaneously completing an essay on cellular biology.

I always knew I wanted to be a Wildcat: that I wanted to go to Northwestern. For me, Northwestern is the start of something new, something exhilarating, something that can't be experienced elsewhere. Even if it was not in the big ten, or close to a big city, Northwestern would still be the school for me. I am ready to put on my purple and white.

Can you help make this flow better and help with the phrasing.

Thanks for reading my essay, I did use one of the sentences in my Rochester essay but it works so whatever. Be Harsh please.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Game + Golden Advertisement + Curriculum - Notre Dame [12]

edits on short essay # 2

Battling through the mass of legs to the only vacant seat, I finally get situated. Believing the hard part is over, I go to place my slushy in the cup holder only to realize they are both taken. Now I have two options, hold my drink for the next one hundred minutes or ask the strangers beside me to switch cup holders. Just as I go to ask, I wonder, which arm rest is mine? Being right handed, I would assume that the right arm rest is mine, but that logic fails if the person next to me is left handed. Should I look to the end of the row to see what arm rest they have chosen? All of these are valid questions that one would think unnecessary in an industry that makes over ten billion dollars a year, and yet, I may be stuck holding my slushy for the next one hundred minutes. I wonder if after the "turn off your cell phone" warning and the "silence is golden" advertisement, the theatre should state, which arm rest belongs to whom.

Can someone please help me condense essay #3 because I have 190 words.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Cheerleading has helped me" - Notre Dame Supplement [21]

In retrospect I realize that, while stepping outside of my comfort zone can be terrifying, it can lead to incredible rewards.

For the first sentence I would break it into two separate sentences because they don't really have anything to do with each other and that solves the parallelism problem.

Say: I went from being afraid to preform stunts, to enjoying the exhilarating feeling flying through the air creates.

Additionally, my ability to follow rythems has facilitated my advancement in cheerleading.

Please take a look at my Notre Dame essays.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Taling a gap year: Common app question [5]

I felt I was closer to books and laboratories than society.

I feel it would be better to have first-hand experience of the world around. - the way you phrased this sentence it sounds like you should have some sort of comparison ex. I feel it would be better to have first- hand experience as opposed to immediately attending college after high school.

Although the society did not function as perfectly as a theory in science does, I gradually learned to live with it.

I began to explore the opportunities in here. And I began to enjoy its imperfectness. I began working with the local club. - three simple sentences in a row mainly beginning with I sounds choppy

Every weekend, I involved myself

cleaning local parks and temples

Briddhashram (home to old and uncared ones), - (assisted housing for seniors)

I involved myself in several awareness campaigns likesuch asuse of condoms to prevent HIV Get Yourself Tested, to increase HIV awareness....

and usage of alternative energy ....

as a study abroad counselor

Here I have the opportunity of to celebratethe diversity of

In the mean time, I am acting as a tutor. I teach mathematics and science to a secondary school student. - combine these two sentences.

Being a teacher seems to be a great thing - cut this sentence

As a teacher, I have learned the importance

With these real life experiences, I find myself more matured than every past second. - rewrite this sentence it sounds weird

After taking a gap year, I feel I am now fully prepared to experience life at Yale university.

You need to work on the sentence structure so that it is not just all simple sentences and you can not begin almost every sentence with the word I. You will also need to proof read some more because I am fairly certain I did not catch all of the errors.

Please read my returning to my life of academia Rochester essay it is only 117 words.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Short Answer: Running, my heavy breathing [14]

replace your with my shoulders.

For me, running is the most basic and yet - after you remove and, add a comma after basic

As my pace falls into its steady rhythm, I am able

I turn at the mid-point of my run and notice the changing leaves, content, I head for home.

nice visualization.

Please read my returning to life of academia essay but scroll to the bottom. It is only 117 words.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a girl." COMMON APP [12]

a name he had not expected me to give

Before the birth of my youngest sister, Kristin, my younger sister Catherine was attempt number two. - maybe add to the end -to have a son.

I saw a facial expression on my dad that was trying to hide a myriad of emotions- I saw my dad attempt to hide a myriad of emotions, but to him we were failures. Even at a young age, I could suspect his disappointment. After the birth of yet another daughter, Kristin, I could envision the thought cloud floating above my dad's head going "poof, poof" because no child of his would be able to fulfill his imagination of fatherhood. My dad would never go to the batting cage, spend hours upon hours trying to get past the one level on the hottest video game in stores, or even be able to say, "like father, like son."

I like the last paragraph particularly but I think you should elaborate on that aspect of you essay and not so much the story of your family. Just add a couple more sentences to the last paragraph and it would be perfect.

You can mention why you are proud to be a girl even though your sex is a dissapointment to everyone in your family then elaborate on this part of your essay. Even after decades of feminist movements around the world, there are still nations that refuse to move forward; they choose to value the male more than the female. The inability to carry on the family name as a female is the root of this burden. My dream to rid the world of gender inequality is a product of my life experience. I am aware that my dream is of great magnitude, but to prove the value of women around the world, dreaming big is what I must do.

Please read my returning to my life of academia Rochester essay it is only 117 words.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Grotto" - ND supplement essays [4]

comma before while in the first sentence and a comma after have

get rid of the so at the beginning of the second sentence

So, I would be dishonest in claiming to be anything less than seasoned in dealing with the assorted stresses that frequent the minds of too many adolescents. - i am slightly confused due to the wordiness

Some write to relieve their stress, others run, or listen to music; I sit. - I would start the paragraph with this sentence.

then.

Each night, depite the chilling air that whips against my body,I make my way to the low balcony overlooking my front yard to think.

That small porch allows me to set my head straight- to sift through troubles and concerns that demand contemplation or simply to relive a day's pleasures.

The low balcony overlooking my front yard provides all the alleviation I need. - combine or place next to each other to avoid repetition.

while, it does not offer a breathtaking view, nor is the hum of nearby streets a sound to relish, I value my own grotto.

then find some way to end with your lines - As a high school senior, the process of maintaining grades and juggling extracurriculars while clinging desperately onto whatever social life I have is all part of my routine. So, I would be dishonest in claiming to be anything less than seasoned in dealing with the assorted stresses that frequent the minds of too many adolescents.

Please read my Notre Dame essays.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / The Guidelines to the Sensible Life + Sports athlete, Notre Dame-Which one to choose? [14]

I have one that is 200 words and one that is 190 so I need to do some edits but I have no idea what to cut anymore.

I would say go with the second essay but instead of using you, use I so that the essay is more centered around you. You may want to vary your sentence structure because you begin two sentences with even, three sentences with the and two sentences with Notre Dame. and two sentences with this.

Please take a look at my Notre Dame essays as well.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Times have changed Notre Dame essay [13]

mothers' - not just one mom for all the girls

we are a far cry away from a time when - the is fine it is up to you.

unaware of how exponentially times have

replace a week in a half with either one week or two weeks- cuts down word count

forty minutes as compared- add a comma before compared

entire day is immense - startling

comma after century- At the turn of the last century,

replace dash with ; ( all of your other essays have dashes.)

maybe end with: Despite increased productivity today, maybe life would be better (more simple) if things went back to how they used to be.

good essays read mine edited essay please.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "returning to my life of academia" - Rochester curriculum 150 words [26]

I did more editing. 117 words

Science and math have always been my favorite subjects due to their anomalies and their ability to explain every concept known to man. A Rochester education would allow me to explore my passion in these subjects, as well as, grant...

At U of R, I look forward to learning, envisioning and exploring all subjects of academia.- sould I cut this or leave it at the end?
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Cheerleading has helped me" - Notre Dame Supplement [21]

As I entered a new school my junior year, my shy nature prevented me from quickly making friends. I formed a friendship with a girl on the cheerleading squad, who encouraged me to try out. - either add a transition at the beginning of the second sentence or combine the sentences to make it flow.

in stunts was suprisingly exhilarating

Vary your sentence structure because as of right now it sounds a bit choppy with so many simple sentences.

you begin two sentences with I and you also begin two sentences with my

you just need to work on the flow of the essay but you have the content down.

Please read my Notre Dame essays.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "UNDO" - Mac HS - 4 Letter Word [4]

I like the essay. You have nice structure and it flows nicely. Good job on analyzing undo and connecting its significance back to your life.

Thanks for reading my essay
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "returning to my life of academia" - Rochester curriculum 150 words [26]

what about relation to the prompt? I can see how it sounds like I am listing my schedule, but I am listing courses to show the autonomy I have in selecting randome courses and having no required classes. If you have any ideas on how to improve this essay and make it storylike and flow please let me know. Should I add more about the autonomy?
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "returning to my life of academia" - Rochester curriculum 150 words [26]

The Rochester Curriculum - University of Rochester students enroll with no required subjects as they design their own college path. Write about the subjects and learning situations that interest you most, and how you intend to use your autonomy here.

"Wake up Amanda, it's 8:30, we are going to be late for class" I yell on the way out the dorm. Winding my way through the corridors, I race across the quad to make it to my first class, Beginning American Sign Language I at 9 o' clock. Dismissed at 9:50, I make a quick stop at Starbucks before I am off to study Cell & Molecular Foundations. With my morning classes complete, I settle in for lunch at The...

After edits:

Science and math have always been my favorite subjects, due to their anomalies and their ability to explain every concept known to man. A Rochester education would allow me to explore my passion in these subjects as well as grant me access to renowned educators, the latest technological advances, and a plethora of research opportunities. With an optional free fifth year, I could fully experience all that U of R has to offer academically across each school. At Rochester, I could witness the world's most powerful fusion laser in action or volunteer my time at the university hospital. The world is my playing field at Rochester, and I look forward to learning, envisioning and exploring all subjects of academia.

I don't think it really fits the prompt but I am open to ideas/ improvements. Should I scrap this essay and start over? Also it's too long I need to cut like 30- 40 words.

Thank you
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "to prove myself to my team" - ND Supplement Feedback [7]

and I had only seconds ... (cuts down on words)
had scrambled is passive voice- you might want to change it
relinquished my tight grip on the tree (use tight in the sentence previously, repetitive)
I knew that my mind was no longer in control of my body ...
taking steps - can replace with walking or continue ahead
in a Ropes Course that was part of the National Student Leadership Conference that I attended last summer.- wordy.
maybe say: Victorious, I completed the final portion of the summer National Student Leadership Conference, the terrifying tight rope course.

Up until this point, I had been reluctant (passive voice) say I was reluctant

in any activity that required me to be even the slightest bit off the ground. - we can assume that you are afraid of heights so there is no need to actually say it.

Although the ten minutes on that rope were some of the scariest in my life, it was not regret that I felt ringing through my body upon finishing, but pride.- redo you need a more powerful ending.

I like the idea behind your essay and it is well written, it just needed a few changes.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "to prove myself to my team" - ND Supplement Feedback [7]

I can only assume that the reason you do not wish to post your essay on here is because you are worried about someone possibly stealing your ideas or your entire essay, but this is somewhat prevented by having to put your name and school down for the essay. If someone were to steal your essay, which I would hope noone would do especially for a religious school such as ND, you could always support yourself my pointing the adcoms towards this site and they can find the original person who posted it. Furthermore, I had the same issues with posting before, but then I realized that there is an admissions rep for each region and I should hope that if someone were stupid enough to steal my work, that they would be caught or it wouldn't matter simply because it was read by difference adcoms.

I would post an email address; however, I do not wish for everyone to be able to read it.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My team was in Guatemala" - Influential Experience: Brown Supplemental Essay. [8]

just say village children

last sentence is kind good but you may want to make some changes. maybe say: I was inspired by trip to Guatemala to pursue my passion in government and to work to improve unstable governments not only in Guatemala, but also in other struggling countries.

not that sentence exactly but just expand past Gratemala to show that you plan to make a substantial difference worldwide.

Nice essay. Please read my Notre Dame and rochester essay they are 150 words or less.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / My parents "never gave up." - Brown [4]

is the sentence my parents never gave up necessary if you say in the previous sentence that they lived by their advice?

consistantly being deployed

is now applying for law school

Associates Degree

My parents had a set goal and they constantly tried to continue on towards achieving it. - reword some.

Spend more time talking about how you never gave up and how your parents advice changed you and less on how it helped them strive for higher education.

Good essay please read my Notre Dame and or Rochester short essay.
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My cozy blue chair" my Notre Dame Essay and my Rochester essay [6]

favored seating preference . we know it is your preference if it is your favored seating.

the one that continuously blows the winter's biting breeze- cut out

which continuously blows cold air

contemplate my success...

what I hope my future triumphs to be.

the coat part is cute but I would do some editing on the success and failures you listed. I don't know. You could make it more powerful and you if you edit it. The operating room seems kind of throne in there along with your other thoughts which makes sense but they could flow a little better.

Rochester:

; before however

I have never faced a challenge as difficult or taxing or tedious as...

to know were

again ; before however

comma after challenges

comma after leader

I liked them both please read my essays
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Rochester Short essay 150 words edit [8]

Meliora: 'Ever better' - The University's motto, Meliora, directs our focus toward continual improvement through research, understanding, and collaborative efforts. Offer and example from your personal experience of an obstacle you faced or a problem you identified. Describe the actions you took and the result.

Dos. Ever since I was born, my life revolved around things in twos: two sisters, two parents, two cars, but sometimes it became difficult to separate myself from those twos, especially as a twin. Being the same height, same size and having the same hair style as my twin, I had to work to differentiate us as two different people, instead of an item. In middle school, I decided to change my wardrobe, my hair color, and my hobbies; however, in my futile attempt to set us apart, I only brought us closer. We developed the same group of friends, and I slowly began to realize that there would always be similarities between us. It took me branching out, and becoming someone I was not, to realize that although my life has always been in twos, I will always be my own person. Uno.

If you think I should add something or take something out or you don't think it follows the prompt please let me know. I still have some words I can add so changes can be made easily.

Thank you
Anonymoussenior   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / there is no "short-cuts" in our life - Strong determination - MIT [13]

I have something to share with you, but you must keep it a secret

At this moment, my heart was struggling; I was wondering should I follow him.

struggling? maybe replace it with pounding or hammering. struggling sounds like you are going into cardiac arrest.

maybe rephrase to say: My heart hammering against my chest, I pondered whether to follow him.

A moment later, more students joined the group than before and they were very happy with the exam leaks.

Maybe say: Against better judgement, I followed him only to be swarmed by additional students within minutes. I felt stifled among my fellow classmates, all excited to receive next weeks exam answers.

but it placed me in a dilemma to but I had a dilemma look at the exam answers and do well, or choose not to and risk losing my current class rank.

Yet, if I followed, it is not compatible with my personality.
I would cut this sentence honestly or place it elsewhere as it disrupts the flow.

exam was meaningless. I don't know that you should say an exam was meaningless.

every single leak- no s.

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