Graduate / Graduate Inustrial Engineering Dept. Application Academic, Research and Professional. [5]


I think a short sentence should precede this one... catch the reader's attention before hitting her with that capstone project. :-)

This is so professionally written. I see no errors... but I have advice. Do not ONLY answer their questions about your experience. Instead, take every opportunity (especially at the beginning and/or end of a paragraph) to remind the reader of your mission, you unforgettable purpose you are trying to achieve in the long term. Inspire the reader with your preoccupation with this vision of the future. That is how to motivate the reader to action.

Great job! Thanks for your rigorous effort, which sets a great example for the younger students.

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Present tense: pleads

... to stay in the crease--what does this mean?Maybe it is an expression unfamiliar to me.

but the umpire raises his finger: 'He's out!'

I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist! --- I like it!! I guess I do like this one a little more. Nice job!

Writing Feedback / Life succeeds in that, it seems to fail [4]

Life has resilient nature, and it never lets hope get cut off, even in the lurch.--I changed this a little. It is still confusing, but quite poetic and intriguing.

It arrives at specific conditioning through entertaining demands at variable intervals and in variable amounts and some times at discretion. -------okay, this one is too complicated. I don't know what you mean!

This comes up with results in optimism. Optimism enables one to crow over even in inauspicious conditions.

In fact life do includes miracles in dire conditions and turns the corner.

It triumphs, when there is no hope of its victory.-----Life does not triumph. People triumph.

If we dive deep in the history of world, we come up discover that every time circumstances are dire, some people can persevere. ---Is this what you mean? I took a guess and tried to fix it.

A pathetic poor man facing adverse economic situations, for instance, annihilates itself loathes himself because he/she remains unable to discover light in future.

:-)
Okay... simplify, clarify, and write with shorter sentences.

Book Reports / "A Tale for Adults"- Comp II Tone Essay (based on A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings) [3]

This is pretty solid, Anthony. The MLA looks good, and I see that you discuss simile, tone, and other important devices.

"behaves unearthly..." This is a strange part of the introduction... Can you word it differently.

Also, this is probably my most important observation for you: When you give a direct quote, you are supposed to use the page number in the parenthetical reference. For example:

"...things he had done while awake" (Marquez 14).

Also... can you revise the last sentence of the first paragraph so that it expresses the main idea of your whole essay?

:-)

Dissertations / Dissertation Proposal for American Government MA [4]

Hi WDLLC, I am starting to think your argument might be too obvious. Let me ask you this: If I looked at the Washington Times articles to which you refer, would it be OBVIOUS that what you are saying is true? If it is obvious, it will not be meaningful.

So... to make this meaningful, how about making connections to what is happening today. Make a connection to a similar phenomenon currently happening. Then, your diss will not simply be about that prejudice from so many years ago; it will be about a timeless phenomenon, learning from history, and taking necessary steps to prevent such propaganda from hurting people nowadays.

I hope that gives you some useful ideas!! :-) Try looking at other, similar dissertations for guidance.

Dissertations / PhD IT governance - not developed subject suggestion? [7]


Nope! I can't tell you which of those is not sufficiently developed. If I knew, I would write a dissertation and earn a PhD in your field. The reason a PhD is awarded is that someone becomes an expert by doing the necessary reading. I know it is a lot of work, but you have to become an expert in all of these areas and keep researching, keep working until you become inspired to solve a problem or develop a subject that has been neglected by others in your field.

Here is a suggestion: Find 5 articles that interest you, articles that cover these subjects. They MUST be recent articles from the past 2 or 3 years. If you read some great articles, you will see what contributions were recently made, and you will get ideas about what is left to be done. It's just like if I visit my mom's house and see that she is cleaning her apartment: I look to see what she is has just done, what she is doing right now, and how I can help.

:-) I'm glad you are participating here in our forum!

Writing Feedback / Help to writing an argumentative essay on globalization (beneficial or not) [6]

One important consideration is that many experts are worried because of the cultural globalization because is causing many people to change their lifestyles. because of this .

Another important consideration is that the numbers of people that go on eat fast foods are increasing.

A further explanation is that Globalization can be looked at from different aspects, like economically, technologically, politically, culturally and--In this sentence, you capitalized globalization, but this word does not need to be capitalized. Also, I think you should replace the word aspects with the word perspectives. You do not look at something from an aspect; you look at it from a perspective.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT-Inventing something new (machine to read people's thought) [8]

Yes, I think so, but I am not qualified to make that prediction. I know good writing,, but I don't know much about the toefl. Anyway, please let us know how you score! Good luck tomorrow. :-)

Graduate / "To expand the horizon to Asian market" - MBA Application [8]


Yes, it does not need to be exactly 250! That would be hard to do...
But I don't think the comparison with a budget is appropriate. By that logic, it is best to write the essay in only 100 words, but that is not what to do here. The challenge is to to it in approximately 200 words. I think you are doing well!

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL>Increased teacher's salary will improve the quality of education in a country [4]

PG, Bahareh, you are so great. Thanks for the help you gave here.

Lee Jae Hong, I'm glad we have you as a member of our forum!


Yes, this is a good idea. When the sentences are long, there is probably an error. Work with short sentences as you prepare for toefl.

For example:
Those who think that the purpose of teaching is not to make a lot of money might believe that there instructional quality has nothing to do with salary. However, I do not agree. The status of teachers, rather than raise teachers' income, plays a pivotal role in improving the quality of education in this highly competitive society.

There are two major aspects; to motivate teachers to have improved skills and to attract competitive people to this teaching positions.---I agree!! The work of teachers is as important as the work of doctors!

As PG mentioned, statue is not the right word. A statue is a piece of art, like the Statue of Liberty.
Moreover, as far as status of teachers' jobs are concerned, it is more effective to give higher salaries to teachers.

Practice typing the essay with the correct grammar by using the corrections here. If you have time, post another draft below. :-)

Writing Feedback / Do traditional skills and way of life die out when a country develops with technology [7]

Hi Trangbee, I'll check out that other essay. :-) Thanks for your kind words.

Writetip, thanks for joining our forum!! You obviously are the type of creative person that can help a lot of us improve our writing!
:-)

Writing Feedback / children working at the early ages [8]

Hi Trangbee, the next step is to type the essay again using the corrections. Please type each sentence at least 2 times. Then your brain will remember the correct grammar.

Children have recently been encouraged to obtain a part-time job to earn wages for themselves.

There are some people absolutely objecting to this idea while others on the rest argue that this...

One of the benefits gaining from starting a job at early age is that it brings in kids the self-confidence and self-reliance.---good point!

Another advantage of this issue---I don't think you should say "advantage of the issue. The issue is the controversy. The advantage comes from "work experience."

:-)

Writing Feedback / Questioning authority to advance and understand the world -GRE topic [3]


Great idea!!

I want to modify this first sentence:
It is to be done only in certain situations for which we deem questioning to be appropriate.

Let's use an action verb, and lets not say "has been having" because it sounds awkward:
Basically, right from the early age, man has been having exhibited this tendency of doing to do what others do.

I'll add a comma below for clarity:
Even the earth was presumed to be a flat one, and only when someone questioned the posssibility of the same that we came to know that the earth was actually spherical. ---Good example. I guess this is indeed an example of a situation where questioning is appropriate..

So its not required to from that every man follow what others say and be a follower, but instead he...---I don't like the way this essay used "he" and "man" all the time. It is language like this that perpetuates gender inequality and keeps women undermined. I know it is a common way to write and that you do not have good intentions, but I still want to mention: It is good to write about "people" and "humankind" rather than men and mankind.

Therefore, I would like to conclude by saying that only by questioning authority one can can one have...

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing - Academic study vs pratical matters learning [7]

Some people agree that learning about practical matters at an early age can prepare children better for their future lives, especially in their career environments.

We can find out plenty of evidence that, in the job market, individuals are likely less competitive than their peers who acquire practical skills -- for instance, excellent computer skills and the ability to speak fluently in multiple languages as well as good interpersonal skills, and so forth.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: In order to be well-informed, a person must get information from many sources [4]

Hey Tony, thanks for joining our writers' community!!

Some people would agree with it while others would not. ----Keep that verb tense consistent.

... but also reduce the probability of getting the wrong information. ---very good point!!

Try to imagine that nearly none of the thoughts in your mind are built by your own mind.----I added a word to complete the sentence.

Use "ing":
...so I favor getting information via many sources.

No need for commas around human beings:
Inevitably we human beings sometimes make mistakes, and the reporters are no exception.

Take my country for example, the competition between the media companies is very competitive rigorous.---Do not say competition is competitive, because that is redundant.

In order to attract more a large audience, some ...

... the local zoo, and already had hurt people, which resulted in a wide spread panic in the city.

There are some disadvantages in getting information from many different news sources, such as taking up a lot of time.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Relationship - why some people don't tell the truth or hide the truth? [5]

Hi weiwei, I'll try to give some more ideas...

To have good structure, make a full, complete introduction. Lest eh reasons and then make a meaningful conclusion.
But why do some choose not to hide the truth or tell lies? I think there are three reasons: __________________, ______________, and ___________. In consideration of these reasons, I conclude that ______________________________________... (end of first paragraph.)

Compare to the results ???, I believe that-----------I don't know what that part means.

:-) I'm glad you found our community!!

Poetry / Compare and Contrast Poets (two pieces and a specific aspect) [6]


Hey, you got great advice from Pilar. Welcome, Newwriter!!!

I want to mention that I would use this same strategy... Google the title of a poem and the word "analysis" so that you'll find a whole lot of discussions. You could use the word "theme" instead if you want to.

Google around til you find a great, interesting analysis of a poem. Then, write a few notes about themes and symbols. After that, search for another analysis, and look for that common thread!

Remember to show both similarities and differences.
:-)

Writing Feedback / "Only the good die young" - personal essay [3]


This is a place you can use a semi-colon to avoid making a run on sentence:
I love you man; you will be...

Again here:
Life is tough; life has its hard times and its good times.

they would tell you at one time they probably contemplated suicide. ----I don't know... I have had pretty tough times, but I have never entertained that option. I don't think it's accurate to say every teen has contemplated it... unless I am misunderstanding your meaning. There is some strange phenomenon that makes people feel an overwhelming self-destructive urge, and if that is happening it is important to get some great psychotherapy, because things might seem a lot worse than they are!

mourning
...mourning pour out of...

my eyes, flooding my lap with sorrow---oh, good metaphor.

Truth is there is not no good explanation, there isn't a no logical reason.

Yeah, I had a friend who killed himself, too. I know about those 'if' questions you mentioned. Thanks so much for writing this contemplative essay; I'm sure it'll benefit a lot of people whose friends took that trip to early. Welcome to EssayForum, Nate! And Isai, thanks for continuing to give great feedback!

Writing Feedback / Why English is the Most Important Class in Any Curriculum? [4]

I'll try to find places to make improvements...

Out of all the classes that a student will take during...

Let's simplify here:
It expresses what a student knows and does not know about a subject. ---This is much nicer...

This will help the student communicate or convey the message while writing that ten page research papers that is due in classes such as world history and psychology. ---I took out a comma and a semi-colon.

Simplify: are educated and can communicate...
Being proficient in English shows that you are educated and you can communicate well; knowledge of language is the key and once you have it no one can take it away from you.

Great job! And what about the importance of gaining wisdom from English literature? (just an idea...)

Writing Feedback / Why English is the most important in today's era. [2]

The English language has become an international language, and people gather in many forums to improve their understanding of each when using English. Today, an important example of the importance of English is that the United Nations, where different people come from various nations, English is the language used to understanding everyone's views when representatives gather.

I hope that helps you! Practice speaking it and typing it several times, and your brain will remember the correct grammar!

Thanks for joining our community!

:-) kind regards!

Writing Feedback / Traditional games or modern games in developing children's skills?--IELTS [3]

I see another way to improve it:
In such cases, ....

Actually, I think it is not even grammatically incorrect to do it the way you did it, although many people would disagree with me. Still, it is clearer is you use an s at the end.

:-)


Wow, you have some great sentences.

Well, you did not really show that traditional games are better for developing children's skills. You only showed that they should not be ignored, but I don't think you made a strong argument that they are superior. Modern educational games are designed based on the most sophisticated research ever done and empowered by digital technology. So, I disagree! Nevertheless, you wrote this beautifully, and I think it would probably get a high score (though I am not familiar with scoring criteria for ietls.

You really have some beautifully constructed sentences!

Writing Feedback / Numerous positive effects of the new technology on our daily life. [18]

These are great aspirations, Ismael... but I still don't understand the problem. Why not just search google for schools near where your brother lives?

For example, if he lives in Detroit, search for colleges near Detroit and look at their websites.
Maybe your brother can even recommend a school near where he lives. Can you stay with him while you go to school?

:-)

Graduate / Why have you chosen to pursue your MBA on a part-time basis? [2]


This is the main idea of the first sentence. I don't think it is an important enough idea to be included. I think the last part of this sentence should be modified to express your main interest, you unique passion/inspiration.


Oh, and because of this sentence, that previous sentence is especially unimportant.

I like your theme! If you change that first sentence the way I suggested, you can make this all about your interest in... what? It can be anything cool. Blue Ocean Strategy? Transformational Leadership? What is your special interest?

Then, INFUSE the last sentences of this with a few words to specify exactly how you will benefit your current organization with knowledge from your research during the mba. Maybe you will even write your thesis on something directly related to your organization (i.e. like action research). So... I guess I am just finding ways to put this essay on steroids, ha ha, and enhance it. It is already very good, obviously. Thanks for all your participation in EF lately!

Essays / Effort is natural both to animals and men + Free will: 2 questions to answer [5]

1.) Write about relaxing. Relaxing is something we can do with no effort

2.) Write a sentence about a situation where you were not able to do what you wanted to do.

****If you write those 2 sentences, you will be off to a good start! :-)

Essays / How I Am A Leader Essay - need some hints and pointers [8]

In the first para, you are talking about "he" and then you are talking about "you." Stick with one or the other. I think you should use "he." Do not write about "you."

Okay, you are still just saying things that everyone knows. Someone who communicates well is more likely to be listened to. That is obvious. Only by citing meaningful books and articles about leadership can you say something that is meaningful and not obvious.

So, here is your homework: read that article by Prentice, and write a few sentences about what he teaches in the article. Then, write a few sentences about how you embody the leadership he describes.

:-)

Essays / How to write a descriptive story about an apartment. [5]

Thanks Jen, we are luck you have you helping here!

I wanted to also mention that it helps to visualize what the surroundings look like, and write about what you see.

Use imagery words and action verbs! Write something so we can discuss it and give ideas.
Just get started! :-)

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]


I removed 2 commas and added a dash!

:-)

Dissertations / Dissertation Proposal for American Government MA [4]

Well, this topic is very interesting, but is it a unique contribution? In order to earn this degree, you need to contribute something that is more than a simple report. You need to write something that perhaps discusses this issue in light of a particular philosophy or theory... what do you know well? Can you compare it to some other kinds of discrimination, perhaps discrimination from earlier in history?

Or can you show how it is an example that can give us insight into something that is going on today? Keep reading, and apply your knowledge. What happens when someone with your unique set of knowledge writes a diss about this topic?

*** So, what are you talking about? How was the Washington Times used for discrimination?

Undergraduate / going to the Research Science Institute - significant experience/achievement, impact [2]


Do not write "transcended beyond," because transcend = "go beyond"


This sentence is not complete. To make it complete, you must do something like this:
This attitude has led me...
But I think that is still not strong enough to be the sentence you place at the end of the first paragraph. The sentence at the end of the first paragraph should be one that captures the message of the whole essay, the unique, meaningful message.

:-)

It was the learning attitude I was inherited from my peers that was immensely gratifying, and I am...

Great job here! Congratulations on your accomplishment!

Scholarship / Human resource development in Australia - Scholarship questions [5]

Hello Friend, welcome to EssayForum!

Let's see you type a few sentences about some of these. Do you struggle when you try to write in English? If you have errors, we'll try to correct them. Right now, please type a sentence about why you want to take your education in Australia. That is a good place to start.

:-)

Research Papers / My Letter of Motivation for ESB Business School Reutlingen [5]

Coolest name ever!

Book Reports / Argument essay about the nature of Jane Eyre and Wide Sargasso Sea. [2]


Yeah, it sure sounds like they are asking for compare and contrast, but actually this is a little different. You are writing about a particular concept associated with the response to Eyre.

Both characters share similar characteristics and situations but there are a few great differences as well that are meaningful because of _______________________---(tell how they are meaningful and your sentence will become meaningful, too.

In a society that promotes justice and equality, Rhys shows that a woman is unable to find her identity and a sense of belonging due to society and its problems. -----You are on the right track, but as you proceed keep this in mind: You are supposed to make an observation about what Eyre's MESSAGE was and what Jean Rhys' RESPONSE was. Interpret the stories to find the underlying conversation.

:-)

Scholarship / "becoming a football coach; future goals" - making changes to my scholarship essay [2]

...test to receive earn my teaching certification.


Good advice here. I'll work with it...

I have had the dream of becoming a football coach since my freshman year in high school.

I live by sports, as it they represent a big part of my life.

I have played varsity football for 3 years and have always wanted to provide coaching techniques and tools to young ...

I will teach my athletes not only football and other sports, but also how to become a good man or woman. men and women.

I want to give share my ability and knowledge I have about sports and help pass it on to with the next generation of athletes.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Anyone who watched her films" - my essay about Marilyn Monroe [5]

Let me try to clarify this sentence a little:
...look at her photos until quite recent years. ---Oh, actually... I was going to change it, but it is not incorrect!! It is okay the way it is.

But still, it can be better.
...look at her photos until recent years.--I guess ti is awkward with the word "quite."

Do not capitalize modern here:
Maybe I would tell her a little bit about Modern modern Hollywood, but not too much because it might terrify her.----ha ha, very clever.

This sentence needs a verb that is not part of the phrase that comes after "to"---> To look in her childish eyes and to know that she is definitely in a better world now will be gratifying to me.

Great job!!!

Writing Feedback / Toefl- For future career success, relating well to other people is more important [4]

Okay, first of all, I agree with Dumi. You did not write much about relating well with others. Relating well with others is all about being able to communicate well and resolve conflicts.


Instead of writing about following the same patterns as others, write about maintaining strong relations with others.

I also want to say that I think you are ready for the toefl if you wrote this by yourself. This is strong English without many errors. Dumi made great suggestions, but your way was not really wrong. Go take that test! You will do well. :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT-Inventing something new (machine to read people's thought) [8]

Oh, I just noticed that you had written devise instead of device. I don't know if maybe that is the UK English spelling of device, but... anyway, Annika fixed it. "Devise" is a verb that means to "design" something or "plan" something.

Are you ready for toefl? I think you probably are, because even though you still have errors they are not serious errors.

If I was going to make a $100 bet, I would bet that you will pass but not with a perfect score. Still, I think you are ready to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - government shouldn't put money on building theaters or sports stadiums [8]


Okay, you go help a few other essayists by commenting on their work, and I'll give you some more criticism. We all need feedback from diverse points of view! :-)

Writing Feedback / Give reasons - The power of advertising influence the purchase decisions [6]

Wow, great work here Hafsa, thanks! This must have taken at least 20 minutes!


Paul, try to keep singular and plural consistent in each sentence, like this:

It's hard to deny that messy commercials on television are becoming integral parts of our daily lives. (Also, I typed "television.")

otherwise, there coexist imperative demands to handle ill-intentioned advertisements representing fake bandwagon.----This last part is tood complicated. I think this sentence needs to be omitted and replaced by 2 or 3 sentences that carefully explain the idea you want to give in this last paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "outstanding psychology department" - UC Davis Waitlist Essay Help [3]


Yes! Great correction here. This comes from Strunk and White. Use a comma before the conjunction in a compound sentence.

I have taken a majority of the psychology classes offered at my current community college, and I am currently reading (what... what are you reading right now? I like the most recent book by Ellis about REPT. Tell not only what subjects interest you in this field but also what you have been reading. :-)

believe UC Davis is the best place to further my studies in this field. too obvious.

...isolated enough where that students can...

Don't use & in formal writing.

:-) This is pretty good, but I think it needs more discussion of recent advancements, articles you have read, research interests, etc. :-)

Writing Feedback / Classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) in class. [4]

Yep, I am not surprised. Your written English is very good! Please check out the EssayForum Contributor Page.