Undergraduate / Common App/ Challenged A Belief/ "If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." [7]

Kerry, this is a very strong and emotional statement on your part. However, you forgot to reflect in the latter part of your essay regarding whether you would still make the same decision or not if faced with the same situation in the future. However implied it may be throughout the essay, it is always important to give a direct response with supporting sentences for each prompt requirement. Don't just expect the reviewer to read between the lines. Always be clear about what you wish to say. Just in case. Don't forget, the reviewer has to read at least 500 essays per day so being specific in your responses could help your chances of writing an essay response that will stick to his mind somehow.

Try not to repeat information in your essay. You already mentioned the influence of your teacher in the other essay that you wrote about describing who you are. It is, I believe almost exactly the same line as the first essay. So you need to come up with a different reason for this essay. You can't keep on using the same teacher and line of teaching as a response. There is no such thing as a go-to response in an application essay. You need to present new information about yourself with every prompt. The prompts are your only chance to have the reviewer get to know you so don't present yourself as a one dimensional person. Use as many methods as you can to try and create varied images of your personality in the written word.

Overall though, this is an essay that you should be proud to have written. It is timely, presents a solid and acceptable opinion on your part, and shows the degree of conviction you have when it comes to standing up for your beliefs. Good job.

Undergraduate / "Terps are diverse" University of Maryland-College Park/Diversity Essay/Outsider [5]

Kerry, I like the introduction that you wrote. It provides an excellent overview of the discussion the essay will present in the succeeding parts. However, the introduction does not really represent the immediate needs of the prompt. It is just a way of you to introduce the reviewer to your background. I believe that is an unnecessary summary of the essay since you are over the word count at the moment. If you remove that opening statement, you will fall under the word limit.That should be your goal at the moment. Just get the important information out there without being too flowery with your words.

I know that most people will say you need a "hook" to reel in your reader. As a hook, your introduction does not really portray an effective response to the prompt. Your currently second paragraph, which just talks directly about the prompt requirement does a better job of offering a "hook" for your essay.

Paragraph 4 and 5 seem to be in direct contradiction of one another. How can you feel displaced in school and yet have an open mindset? I think you need to show how the open mindset stemmed from being displaced. That way when you say that you know about the experience of exclusion, you can connect it to the open mindset directly. I paragraph 4, you only discussed coming to term with your heritage. So adding a line or two about learning to be accepting of the difference of other people helped you develop an open mind should fit perfectly in that paragraph :-)

Since this is a draft on your part, I will just limit my suggestions to certain topics. I am sure your essay will still change in content and form so I will wait for the second draft before making any further comments :-)

Undergraduate / Mount Holyoke College "never fear / change " essay! International student! [3]

Hi Rebecca :-) You have written a pretty good essay that embodies a woman who does not have fears nor fears change. I was really impressed by the quick analogy that you created regarding Antigone's story. However, I am not sure if it is actually the correct response to the application prompt because you did not provide one for us to consider. Kindly tell us what the prompt you are trying to respond to is. We can't really offer a more comprehensive opinion of your written work until we know what the requirements of the essay actually are. Please post it as soon as possible.

Overall though, you did provide an insight into the kind of emphasis that you high school placed on the Classics program. For those who are not familiar with the story of Antigone, your insight will provide a comprehensive review of the classic story. To the ones who have read the story, you offer them another point of view regarding the message of the author. You most certainly proved the depth at which your school honed their students in these classic stories.

That said, I had hoped to have read more about yourself in relation to the story of Antigone. I would have considered a parallelism between her story and the obstacles you perceive yourself to be facing at Mount Holyoke. I feel that you provided too little information about yourself and too much Antigone because her story takes more than half the page while you confined yourself to a mere paragraph. That is not a balanced essay.

What I have provided to you for now are just simple observations about your paper. It should either increase in critique or change in advice depending upon the prompt requirements. I look forward to examining your essay from the point of view of the prompt.

Graduate / SoP- Masters in Development Research on-Agrarian crisis and impact on peasant women [18]

Hargun, what you came up with is not exactly a statement of purpose. Although some parts of the essay could apply to an SOP, what you currently have here is a personal statement that relates your foundation and background, including general information related to how your interest in this field of study developed. That is not what a statement of purpose should entail. Let me try to guide you towards developing a proper statement of purpose alright?

I believe that the purpose of your essay comes from this line in your essay:

I believe that I would want to study the hidden suffering of the impact of agrarian crisis on the peasant women extensively

If I am right, then this should be your opening statement. This is the purpose upon which your SOP should be built around. Right now, your statement is quite long and wordy but does not really offer the immediate response to the prompt. It reads more like a research and opinion paper rather than a purpose filled document. In all honestly, I do not believe that you can use this current essay as a SOP response. It just doesn't work because it does not represent the information normally expected in an effective SOP.

What you need to highlight in your SOP are just the following:

1. The actual reason that you feel the need to pursue this course.

2. The connection between your interest in the masters course, your undergraduate course, and your current profession.

3.How you see the university you are applying to helping you to achieve your purpose for study. Either through research, internships, or other related activities or learning processes.

4. What you hope to achieve in the future after completing this course.

There are really only 4 simple objectives that you need to fulfill and keep in mind when you write your statement of purpose. It does not need to look like a research paper that includes references. It just has to contain your heartfelt purpose, desires, and objectives for attending and completing the course.

As of the moment, you need to change the whole essay that you have written to better suit the requirements and intentions of an SOP. I am sure that you will be able to revise and edit this current paper to suit the criteria. Good luck with your revision and remember, I'm here to help :-)

Graduate / Brandeis MSF essay-Why are you interested and how will it help? [4]

I don't think that the sentence is negative Shiyun. It only shows that you had an interest in a different field of study prior to this one. It is not uncommon for a person to have to compensate for his studies due to the irrelevance of his previous interests. However, if you feel the same way as your friend, we can always revise the statement to sound more positive. Let me give it a try.

Since my previous interests lay more in the world of arts than in the world of numbers, I knew that I needed to strengthen my mathematical background. While piano training taught me keep rhythm by counting beats, that was not exactly the kind of math that was required in programming. So I felt the need to strengthen the mathematical aspect of my learning in order to prepare a stronger foundation for my math and programming skills.

With regards to your grammar question, in actuality, The first sentence correct and can be used for your response. Th first sentence is just missing a connecting word in order to make the sentence work properly. It sound better and is more grammatically correct to say:

"I found THAT your MSF program is a good fit for me"

The second sentence, should be presented in the following manner in order to be structurally correct:

"I found your MSF program , which is a good fit for me"

Please note the comma between program and which. The pause is necessary to place an emphasis in the statement.

Scholarship / Experiences on living in San Francisco and Panama City - Motivation for Pursuing Graduate School [11]

Hey Kathryn, listen, the second version of your essay still fails to resonate with your desire to attend graduate studies in biology. At this moment, you really need to just focus on presenting your background that relates to your interest in biology. Your personal statement should describe that moment in time when you decided to shift careers from being a writer to being person engaged in the biological sciences. You see, the requirements of a person pursuing a masters degree in biology is different from that of a person with a background in writing.

Concentrate on how you transitioned from being a simple journalist with an interest in science to an environmental scientist. As an environmental scientist, your skill and talent in writing will come in handy. Specially when, as a graduate student, you will be required to write a dissertation prior to graduation. Perhaps that interest was sparked when you did a particular type of article related to biology or the environment that took your career in a whole new direction. If that is what happened to you, then discuss it in this essay.

There should not be a specific writing topic for a personal statement related to a masters degree. So you can discuss any topic that you want as long as you can relate it to your desired masters degree. I hope that by suggesting that you show how you transitioned from one career to another, you will be able to present your personal connection to the issue.

Here's hoping my suggestions work for you :-) Good luck with your revision.

Scholarship / I can use my previous multinational/cultural networking experience to merge with Chevening community [2]

Reem, your first paragraph, the introduction is a throw away. Why are you defining what networking means to the reviewer? That is totally unnecessary and only takes attention away from your actual response that starts in the next paragraph. Don't waste space and word count. Always respond immediately to the prompt. That response should be interesting enough to serve as the hook that will reel in the reviewer. Right now, you don't really have an effective hook with that opening statement.

With regards to the paragraph about the conference, I feel that the kind of work that you did there would be better placed in the leadership and influence Chevening prompt rather than the networking skills prompt. The work that you did during the conference did not really require much networking as all of the contacts already existed since the conference is a yearly thing. You were only using already existing contacts at that point and did not really have to set up a network from scratch. If you can adjust the essay to show an incident during that time when you had to create your own business contact and create an original network for yourself, then we can use that paragraph. Otherwise, I think you can skip that also and just concentrate on paragraph 3.

In paragraph 3, you should expose the reviewer to the methods that you used to create the social contacts for the bank and their clients. How did you create these contacts? Did you attend conferences? Join parties? Engage in company sponsored networking activities? Can you better illustrate the way this job required you to develop your networking skills? I really believe that this paragraph in particular can contain the relevant networking information that the prompt requires. You just have to recall how you did it. Don't forget to explain how you were able to eventually use these contacts on behalf of the bank or your clients on order to drive the point home.

The last line you wrote about how you got your current job, is that a part of the essay? If so, it needs to be better developed and please, never use an exclamation point when writing a formal essay. The reviewer will take that to mean that you are shouting at him or her. A simple pause in the form of a period will suffice.

Undergraduate / Penn State Activities Essay! Tell me if I should include more or revise it! [3]

Marco, as a listing of your extra curricular activities, I have to say that this is a very interesting list. It shows a diverse interest on your part and a willingness to do what you have to do in order to become part of a community. The only problem that I have with your essay is that you don't really develop the ideas or reasons for your active participation in these activities.

If you would please divide the activities into topic paragraphs so that you can offer a discussion of your participation in it that covers at least 3 sentences, you will be able to create a better representation of why these activities matter to you. It will also make it easier for the reviewer to follow the flow of your essay. It is important to build up your image as a civic minded person who knows how to work with a team.

The purpose of this essay is to have the reviewer understand where your interests lie outside of the academic world. So you have to take him into the world with you. Try to expand upon the positive influence of these activities upon your person. Let him know what kind of person you were before you became civic minded. What other fun activities do you enjoy?

While these extra curricular activities are notable for the reviewer, try to show him the fun side of your personality as well. Do you engage in any sports or hobbies that are just for fun and not for learning or the good of the community? Try to discuss your simple enjoyable activities as well so that the essay can have a well balanced view of how you spend your free time :-)

Undergraduate / The Big Move to Jordan at the age of eight. Common App 2015-2016 Prompt College Essay. [3]

Tacolol, a common mistake among the students who answer this prompt is that they always fall back on their early and childhood experiences as their response to the prompt. This is exactly what you did and that is exactly the wrong response to the prompt. This prompt is meant to bring to light your maturity as an individual. How you handle changes in your life and a change in your perspective from child to adult are some of the factors that the reviewer would want to see represented in this essay.

I understand that as a child of 8, you were really affected by the constant moving of your family because of work. As a child though, you were always reliant on your parents for everything. So you had no choice but to follow them and adjust as best as you could to your surroundings. The keyword in that story is "child". The prompt asks for an event that happened in your life that transitioned you from being a "child" to being an "adult" That is what needs to be represented in the essay. Right now, your current essay cannot be considered as a useful response to the prompt.

Try to think back to a time when your parents decision did not matter in a situation because you had to make the decision yourself. Or think of that pivotal moment in time when your parents told you or showed you that they would trust your judgement regarding a certain matter. Maybe your parents offered you the opportunity to take part in a particular family tradition reserved for the "older" adults. These are some situations that could better represent your transition to adulthood. Perhaps you have some sort of story to tell along those lines? One example I can think of is, perhaps your parents are trusting you to choose which school you will be attending for college? Maybe they have offered you the opportunity to set down roots in a particular place by attending school there? That would be quite a solid example of a transition story on your part. Remember, it cannot be a story from your childhood. You have to be at least 15, 16, or older for the story and event to qualify for the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / "Describe yourself" - brief paragraph for Undergraduate Study Abroad Program Application [3]

Kate, if I may, I have decided that the best way to help you develop this essay is to give you ideas regarding how you can develop certain topic points that arose within the essay that you wrote. I'll be posting the ideas below along with the topic point.

However, my personality is more dynamic than my quiet and warm demeanor would perhaps suggest.
-Explain why you think of yourself this way. If possible, share a story that relates to this comment. Perhaps show the reviewer the side of you that is carefree and sometimes irresponsible. Maybe describe what kind of situations or attitudes make you angry or drive you to take action.

I live for the details.
- Maybe you can discuss how this trait of yours can be both a good and bad thing as far as other people who know you are concerned? That is still a method of describing yourself.

Please don't forget to divide the essay into paragraphs. One of the reasons that you find it hard to develop your essay is because you have not bothered to allow the thought process and topic sentences to have space to grow on the page. If you allow each topic its own space, you will be able to better concentrate and think about how you want to develop that paragraph.

Finally, if it will help you write this essay better, you can always refer to your friends for help. Ask them to write down how they would describe you as a person. List down the traits that seem to be commonly observed among your friends and then use their words to help you describe yourself in the essay. Sometimes, it is best to look at ourselves from the point of view of others. That is how we get to know ourselves better. That is how you also learn how to best describe who you are and what motivates you as a person :-)

Scholarship / LEADERSHIP THROUGH DISASTER. - CHEVENING LEADERSHIP QUESTION [14]

Farzana, you did very well in terms of revising your essay. You covered all of the important leadership bases and made sure to develop the reason and logic behind the decisions that were made. All of the activities that required your leadership and influence were also excellently related to the reviewer. So you don't need to worry about meeting the prompt requirement regarding the topic, you accomplished that task without question. However, there is still the concern of the essay running longer than it should.

Having reviewed your essay a number of times, just to try and find some portions where we can cut out a sentence or two,it suddenly occurred to me that while the first 3 paragraphs of the essay can be considered to be well written and adherent to the prompt, the fourth paragraph fell short of this requirement. The reason it fell short is because the information contained in it does not reflect the requirements of the prompt. That means, it does not relate to your previous leadership or influence experience.

The fourth paragraph talks about your future plans which are not part of the required responses of the prompt. Therefore, it would serve your essay well to do one of two things. Either you replace the paragraph with a conclusion that summarizes your learning experience and portrays an image of you as a person who is ready to lead at a moment's notice, which is something the reviewer will definitely smile at learning about, or, you can just that paragraph altogether and just conclude using the third paragraph. Whichever way you want to close the essay will work fine for me :-)

Undergraduate / Nerd Camp Changing my Life - PSU Undergrad Application [3]

Andy, I think that you should consider developing a more personal statement for the last paragraph of your essay. This current one that you have sounds like it should be answering a common essay prompt along the lines of "Why Penn State?" rather than being in your personal statement. Can you find another way to close the essay? Maybe explain the parallelism between the CTY and Penn State in terms of the lessons you will be learning and the preparation that Penn State will give you for the professional world in the same way that CTY prepared you for Penn State. That just might work.

In paragraph 1, we need to edit the following line just to better relay your thoughts:

my experiences at THE CTY summer programSmingthat readied me for college-level academic material

The essay does not sound too esoteric at this point. You clearly explained what CTY was all about and that was my only fear that other people may not understand. Everything about the paper seems to be in order and is usable as of now. Since I am suggesting the removal of a particular paragraph, I am holding back in terms of editing the actual essay because the content is still subject to change. I always insist that the focus of the statement be properly directed before any of those grammar and sentence revisions are implemented in order to save on editing time.

Undergraduate / The Scary 11ft Swimming Test PERSONAL NARRATIVE [11]

The kind of grade that you will get will really depend upon how your teacher will view your written work. She or he of all people will have the grading criteria list to refer to while analyzing your work. You have written the narrative in the best way that you know how. You followed the instructions that you were given while you developed the story. You did everything that was expected of you to pass the class writing exercise. All that is left is for you to pass the work and wait for a grade.

I would not worry so much if I were you. The essay that you wrote was quite engaging and allowed the reader to really join you on the adventure that you had that day. That is what makes for good writing. A good writer knows how to immerse the audience into the world of the character. I believe that you were really able to accomplish that with this piece of written work.

As a writer you have to understand that when you tell a story, you need to present extra details in order to create the background or set up the story so that it can unfold in the proper manner. So everything that you think is story clutter at the moment could very well be important parts of the story. The main story of the essay is about your swimming test. That was the highlight. In order to get to that highlight, you had to tell the story of how you ended up at the pool and got dared by your mother to take the test. The result of the test, your getting the band allowing you to swim in the deeper pools was the resolution of the story. So your story is complete. Just sit back and wait for the results :-)

Undergraduate / READMISSION ESSAY - why did you leave NYU, what were you doing then, how you finish your course now? [7]

I would not suggest responding to the questions in simple paragraphs. My belief is that you should use the essay format to respond to the questions in the best and most comprehensive way that you can. Remember, you are applying for readmission so simple answers will definitely not be sufficient enough to entice the reviewer to consider you for readmission. Remember, they have more incoming freshmen and transfer students for the semester, they don't really need to waste their time considering someone they already cut ties with for readmission.

Don't just answer the essay for the sake of giving an answer. I am not saying that you are going to do that but sometimes, it seems the easiest way to respond to the difficult questions the university wants you to respond to. The questions are really designed to be difficult. The university wants to make sure that, should they let you back in, you won't be dropping the ball again and they will have to do what they did the first time again. The best way to develop your responses to the questions in my opinion, will be to engage yourself in some self reflection and soul searching.

Make sure you are determined to get back into NYU. That should be the first purpose of your self reflection. After that, take a notepad or open a word document that outline your answers to the questions. Don't rush yourself in providing a response. Just keep adding answers for every question until you have information there to create a paragraph that will truly and effectively argue your case. Then come back here and post what you've got for the essay. We'll help you clean it up and improve it from there :-) I have faith in you and I believe that you can do this. Your determination to get back into NYU will help you come up with the most effective responses to the questions.

Undergraduate / "Curious to know all of it." - Essay on choice of CS as a Major for Undergraduate [5]

Nisarg, I agree with Michael at this point. Your essay does not need the first paragraph that you have because it does not really establish how your interest in computers developed. Rather, it talks about how you developed your computer programming skills instead. However, I do not agree that it is not a necessary part of the essay. It just has to be placed in a more relevant portion of the narrative. We can talk about that later. Right now, I want you to concentrate on developing the correct opening paragraph for the essay.

The story about your father buying you a computer and teaching you about the internet, that is the major reason that you developed an interest in computers. So don't put that at the bottom of the essay. Since it is the part of your written work that clearly responds to the prompt, make that your opening statement. However, you do not need to use all of the information you have there. What you have to remove from that paragraph are the lines that deal with your founding a computer club at school, managing the symposiums, and editing the school's IT bulletin. In its place, discuss the progressing interest you developed for computers starting at the age of 12. That is where that story is best suited because it shows the way that your interest in computers continued to become an integral part of your life and education.

It will be most interesting to have you close your statement with the reference to the apps that you have in the Playstore at the moment. It brings the discussion about your related experience and future career goals full circle. Clearly leaving the reviewer with the idea that you are not just an ordinary college student, but a college student who has already began the next phase of his life as a professional simultaneously with your academic career. It looks like those two will go hand in hand very well in your case :-)

Scholarship / "You can lead a horse to water trail, but you can't make it drink" Chevening Scholarship Fall 2016 [3]

Vignesh, I know that most applicants try to use a quote to catch the attention of the reviewer. It is always an effective "hook" tool that, when used properly, can keep the reviewer interested in your work. The problem that I have with your quote is that it does not have a strong connection with the rest of the essay. What is the connection of leading the horse to the water but not being able to force it to drink?" Normally, I would have expected this quote to have been followed by a story or anecdote about an obstacle that tried to hinder either your leadership or influencing skills. None of those factors appear to have been hindered in the essay so I am wondering why you decided to place the quote there. Do you care to elaborate? I am really unable to find the connection as of now.

As for the rest of your essay, I am absolutely sure that you were trying to aim for a story about influencing people when you told the story of Viraj. The thing is, the influence part of the story was not as strong as it should have been. It was more of a leadership while being member of a team that was highlighted in the story. What we need in this essay, is an example of both your ability to influence people, either in decision making, work related activities, or something along similar lines. Hopefully you have a story that can accomplish this.

In my opinion, your work experience with HSBC offered you the opportunity to exercise both your leadership and influencing skills. It is the perfect example of the kind of scenario that would sit well with the reviewer since it covered your work experience with a notable international firm and allowed you to personify an example of leadership in the workplace. I believe, that with more paragraph development, you can better use the HSBC story instead of the football experience you related to describe how you embody the leadership and influence qualities that Chevening looks for in its masters degree scholarship candidates. Perhaps you would like to consider building your essay solely around that experience instead?

Scholarship / A time when I overcame one significant obstacles that I were able to improve other people's lives [4]

Samuel, the topic that you chose to use to answer the prompt is not the correct topic. If you review what you wrote, you actually just discuss an event that directly affects your family but not your community. In reviewing your essay, I saw that you somehow tried to connect the event that happened to your family with the community but it just does not work.

The essay asks you to do a very specific thing in order to respond to the prompt. You need to engage yourself in some self-reflection regarding how you have been interacting with your community members. Do you think you have a good relationship with them? What kind of activities do you often participate in that helps the place that you live in develop a better community? Has there ever been a time when the community faced a problem that you helped them resolve either by presenting a solution or helping in the implementation of the solution? If you have ever found yourself doing these things, no matter how small your participation, then you have come across the answer to the prompt.

If you want to use the story about your father's farm, you need to discuss it from a community involvement angle. That means, the problem of the farm needs to have affected the community in general and you, as the eldest, found a way to not only help your family overcome this obstacle, but also found a way to help the community get back on its feet. I do not really get a sense of that having happened in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the climate change - check my introduction [4]

Jasur, you need to better develop the grammar in your introduction if you wish to make it more effective and also provide some clarity regarding the prompt. I would have written the introduction this way :

Global climate change is a world wide problem that requires the cooperation of both the government and citizens of every country in order to address the problem. Who should address the problem, is normally a bone of contention. Some believe that the government and businesses, being the head of the state and economies respectively, are in the best position to prevent or ease the effects of climate change. So people don't need to worry about doing their part to prevent climate change. Others, believing that preventing climate change should start with the individual, think that preventing climate change is something that should be an individual responsibility. I believe that both sides have some valid reasons for the way that they believe climate change can be addressed. My opinion is that ultimately, preventing climate change is a world responsibility and therefore, everyone, from the government to the individual should do their part to solve the problem. This essay will discuss these various points of views.

Your introduction is not a bad start but it has room for revision. I suggest that you spend more time analyzing your prompt and your point of view before your start to write a longer essay. Make sure you are comfortable with the first paragraph because the rest of the essay hinges on that opening paragraph.

Undergraduate / A dream reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal - VT personal statement [3]

Junhee, you need to make a splash with your opening statement. So I suggest using this line first "The superpower that I want is the ability to make one's dream to the reality. " then you can follow it up with the explanation about how people dream. You can end the paragraph with"That is why they have a dream that reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal." You can actually divide your essay into 2 highly effective paragraphs. The first paragraph will be the one I explained above and the second, will be the reason why you think having this super power will be a good thing.

I really like the way that you wrote this essay. It is a simple idea and a dream that comes from a good place. The only thing that I would like to do with your essay at this point is to fix the grammar and format problems. Let me show you my revised version of your essay, this time using 2 paragraphs:

Many people dream while they are sleeping. Dreams cover a wide tange of topics from the realization of the dreamer's life plans, to having to face up to their fears in life, people are constantly dreaming and imagining about their ideal life even though they know that it is hard to achieve. That is why they have a dream that reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal. The superpower that I want is the ability to make one's dream to the reality.

My goal with this ability is to reduce the gap between the rich people and poor people. There are thousands of young people who cannot achieve their goal or find their career even though they work really hard in the university. Compare that with, the young people who do not care about their job and money because their family is financially and socially well placed.

Young people from poor families get a poor reward compared to the amount of effort that they have put into their lives. That is why many people say that life is unfair. I agree that life is unfair so I want to change this. To me, a fair world is a place where people get what they have worked for. I want to reward those people who worked hard but did not get their reward. Then I would prevent the people who have life dreams but do not work towards achieving it from getting their life desires and goals. (243)

You can either submit this version for the prompt or use it as a sample for your revision. The choice is yours :-)

Undergraduate / Motivation Myself to Live Stronger in Life [4]

Tiffany, your essay is just so hard to read at this point. As I was reading it, I found it hard to follow your train of thought and discussion because you did not separate your essay into topic paragraphs. Topic paragraphs are important for the reader because it allows the reader to better understand and keep track of what you are relating in your essay. Without it, reading the essay becomes a boring task. Topic paragraphs are also important for you, as the writer because you can better develop your discussions if you do not have to worry about keeping all of your thoughts along the same sentence lines. You have more freedom to discuss and present your thoughts on the topics you have provided.

In your first paragraph, I find that your initial sentence is wanting in terms of content. When you mentioned that you had causes that motivate you to live a meaningful life, you could have quickly presented those causes within the sentence. That way, the reader would understand and be prepared for the paragraph discussions. It would have also helped to better build your introduction if you allowed yourself to create a background for your thesis prompt before you launched directly into the discussion.

I would also like to direct your attention to the problem regarding your three reasons in relation to the way you have set up your paragraphs. As a reader, I would like to have been able to easily pick out the reason / topics within the sentences so that I could better focus on the content of your essay. The way you have it set up now, it is really difficult to find the reasons on the page. This is a problem that can easily be solved by following my advice regarding dividing the essay into paragraphs. Just make sure to mention the topic of the sentence in the first sentence of every paragraph and your essay should fall into place.

Graduate / There are many reasons in my life on behalf of which I can say that childhood is the best time. [4]

Anu, I think that you approached the essay from the wrong angle. Instead of constantly harping on a single aspect of childhood, that of not having to be responsible for our actions, you could have widened the scope of your defense for your stance by offering up other instances of enjoyable childhood memories.

One of the aspects that you could have discussed could have been about the relationship that a child has with his or her parents. You could have spoken about the unconditional love that a child receives which helps him gain confidence in life and creates a bond of trust between one another. You could have discussed something to that effect in the portion where you mention a child being left behind by the school bus.

A word of caution, never use the word "eg" in an essay. Although the word is another term for "for example", it is an abbreviation that does not have any place in an academic piece of writing. Always use specific terms such as "For instance", "For example", "Imagine if..." and a host of other variations on the term.

Your conclusion is not acceptable in its current form. Always remember that the conclusion should represent the whole discussion in the essay. It should also represent the essay in at least 3 sentences otherwise it just comes across as an incomplete paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The scientists should be responsible but also appreciated by the prominence of their discoveries [3]

Zara, I take my hat off to you. This is an excellent example of how to write an opinion essay. the introduction is flawless. It covered the bases from the positive to the negative in a thoroughly discussed manner prior to the presentation of your thesis. A thesis that thoroughly proves your ability to not only understand the question posed, but that you are capable of explaining how you understand the question. Good job!

The vocabulary that you used in the essay is complex enough to allow the examiner to deduce for himself that you are a highly intellectual person whose ability to speak and write in the English language is above an ordinary ESL's ability. There can be no doubt that you are highly familiar withe language and you are able to create coherent thoughts using it.

However, I noticed that there are a few grammatical errors in the essay that could be addressed. It is so minimal that if this were an actual test, it would actually not affect the final outcome of your score. For the purpose of a writing exercise though, I need to point those words out to you.

Par. 1:
In this age, with WITH the advent of technology
However, like many social, political and cultural matters, science has PRODUCED its own benefits and drawbacks.
Thus, scientists should be appreciated by FOR the prominence of their discoveries; and on the other hand, should be responsible

Par. 2:
Many unknown diseases have become widely spread out,
scientist doing research on a IN dangerous fields.
To illustrate, there THERE is always a possibility that an unknown and primitive virus can infect a laboratory mouse.
This virus can be transmitted easily to humanS through the contact between mouse and human skin.
Certainly, DEPENDING UPON THE TYPE OF TRANSFERENCE, the virus can kill a dozen people with one shot
the scientist is responsible for murder THE DEATHS OF PEOPLE and should be held responsible.
Specifically, biologists BIOLOGISTS who are conducting researches on IN the field of biology might find a novel way to produce
, for example , a specific enzyme to catalyze a metabolites process.
However, if this enzyme is injected INto human veins, IT might cause several tremendous side effects.

Par. 3:
Human lives are always in danger of mass destructive weapons FROM THE USE OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
All complex weapons, missiles and guns are once had peaceful purposes,
but later they THESE have brought ABOUT many MUCH destruction and damages to human life on earth.
For instance, at firs t nuclear atoms and enriched Uranium have been exploited for peaceful goals,
but later they THESE WERE have been used for other perilous intentions, including THE invention of atomic bombs.
Atomic bombs were used in World War II and resulted in many THE destruction in OFJapan. However, if IF THE an individual who has discovered nuclear atoms

he could HAVE takeN some effective steps to prevent this discovery to FROM become BECOMING a huge killer weapon.

Par. 4:
All things considered, scientists should be aware and responsible of the different implications that they THEIR discoveries bring to people's lives. Such implications could be as harmful as unknown viruses or be as destructive as mass weapons.

* I think that you should have one paragraph that details the positive contributions of scientists just to balance out the discussion. As it is though, this is already a well developed essay.

Undergraduate / Just overnight, the family I was familiar with has disappeared, leaving only me and my father... [14]

I've got a few corrections to make to and maybe some additions this paragraph then, I believe your essay will be all set to use :-) Here we go!

In the beginning,iI knew it was difficult for him. He was never known for his tidiness but he had to learn to be organized for both of us

- I just feel like that line is irrelevant now so we should remove it.

I remember how difficult it was for us to bond at the beginning. He knew I loved sports so he tried his best to become part of my world.

- I believe the addition of this line will better explain how you are reaching out to your father by helping him with his business.

When I was packing the cleats and cones for my self-football training as usual one day, dad suddenly called me, 'Do...Do you need anyone to pass for you? I've never tried that before but I'm willing to try for you, if you need me that is.. .' I felt the sincerity of his words. He had never had the time to play with me before. I knew he was trying to connect with me. He just needed to know I needed him in some way.

Coming to the field, I had to teach him how to throw the ball, how to let it spiral due to his lack of experience. Those moves were never easy thing to teach,he could never have passed this oval irregular ball could never been passed by him successfully like a reliable quarterback. He struggled and failed, but he tried his best to play with me. He sat on the bench, watching me do cone drills silently on the bench. Somehow, I for the first time felt we were trying to be bonded together .

Last year, i I took part of the international triathlon tournament in b Beijing. Not only was it the first time that i I was qualified for such an event, but it was also the first time my father attended one of my events...

Undergraduate / The Scary 11ft Swimming Test PERSONAL NARRATIVE [11]

Hi Connie! Here are the rest of the corrections for you :-)

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my body had goosebumps all over my arms .

I started swimming laps after laps .
I could drown I thoughT.

"What was there to lose?" I thought.

I finally decided that today was going to be the day that I conquerED the fear I had of the swim test.

walking towards the deep ends .

I got down into the water with fear RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND, YET I HELD ON holding to the edge of the pool.

I told myself to have TO BE persistent and continued swimming the distance.

I finally made it to the end and got up out of the pool.

As I got up, I felt a gush of happiness, excitement and relieve RELIEF that I didn't drown.

Then I finally realized trying something new isn't that bad even if you fail.
----------

I really like the way that you wrote this simple essay. I could almost imagine what you might have looked like (if I knew what you looked like) as you swam in the deep pool for the test :-) It is an excellent story for a beginner to tell.

Undergraduate / Just overnight, the family I was familiar with has disappeared, leaving only me and my father... [14]

I can't help but agree with your opinion. I am glad that you realized that all on your own. Catching that missing part in your essay, which I noticed but did not really feel I should mention because it was not my place to do so, means that you are really dedicated to perfecting this essay and making sure that it will be the most perfect essay that you can submit to the reviewer.

Definitely add a transition paragraph before the one about the triathlon event. Perhaps I can give you some ideas as to what topics you can use for the transition? My idea is to show that because your father was not home that often in the past, the two of you did not really know how to talk to each other. You spoke like strangers instead of blood relatives at first. Then, you two began to bond over small things like washing the car or watching games on television. What we need to be able to do is show that there was a slow growth to your relationship that culminated with that hug during the competition. Do you think you can come up with something along those lines?

Remember, I only make suggestions about how to further improve your essay. You are the one who will be writing it and therefore, you have the final decision when it comes to the way additional information will be presented in the essay. I can't wait to read how you will slide in that extra relationship building paragraph :-) Good luck! I know you can do it. I am very confident that you can. I'm here to help when you need me to. Don't ever forget that.

Undergraduate / I finally knew I was done searching; I was going to be a Hokie. [4]

Hey Courtney, the opening paragraph that you wrote was really not necessary for the statement so I just went ahead and deleted that. It immediately brought the word count down to 201. So my version of your response, should you choose to use it either in its entirety or as the basis for your revision will be right within the maximum word count. Here it is :-)

Growing up 45 minutes away from campus, I was always part of the school spirit. On game days, Roanoke lights up with maroon and orange, making it extremely hard to not want to be a Hokie. That was and still is my favorite part about Virginia Tech- the school spirit.

While touring the campus in September, I learned about many attributes the school has to offer. They are a leading 4H group, which meant a lot to me because I have been involved in 4H since the age of nine.

I also was fascinated with their community service options. It felt like Virginia Tech couldn't stop talking about everything that they have and continue to offer for the community, and I loved it! They also have many safety precautions to make students and parents feel safe and secure while they are away from home.

Lastly, Virginia Tech is nationally ranked for their food and dining. Being away from home for four years and eating the same food almost every day, the dining plays and important role in the college decision process.

Once a Hokie, always a Hokie. With this being said, I hope to continue my Hokie experience at Virginia Tech.

Undergraduate / Race, Time, Competition - the common app main essay topic 1 2015 [4]

Bowen, I'll post my comments and revisions below :-)

Par. 1:
I like TO race. I don't mean that I want to be a fast runner in THE 100-meter dash, although I am a sportS man. What I like actually is to race with the fastest thing in this world, time, aN endless and cannot-lose competition for me to run.

Par. 2:
My mom, needed to stay with my grandma in hospitals in Guangzhou TO CARE FOR HER. The only thing my parents told me was that I needed to learn how to take care of myself, when home alone. Occasionally I could hear my parent's furious conversation. I knew that I had to be ignorant and make sure my parents don't NEED TO worry about me.

* Explain why your parents were fighting and why you felt that you needed to make sure that they did not worry about you.

Par. 3:
I started struggling in my academy IN SCHOOL,
The competition AGAINST TIME began , but I lost the first round.
I felt that I gradually lost commonalities with my classmates. I could only sit in my seat alone .
At first, my I responded to these insults with anger,
but couldn't ask for help from MY teachers, because through them my parents might know FIND OUT what happened

Par. 4:
I didn't try to race with time and I did allowED it
In school, when having any FACING A difficult question,
I created THE "singing memory",
I allowed SOME free time to occupy space on my schedule.

Par. 5:
I have AN internship and part-time job, and I have a crucial position in the student counsel.

Undergraduate / Just overnight, the family I was familiar with has disappeared, leaving only me and my father... [14]

Hey Fengrui, don't worry about sharing the spotlight with your dad in this essay. Remember what the prompt is looking for?

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

The story that we have created for you, that we have chosen to share with the reviewer is the background of your unique family. Your family background is unique and meaningful to you because of the way that your family evolved into what it is today due to the life experiences that you have had. You share those life experiences with your dad, so including him and the evolution of your relationship with him is a necessary aspect of your background. We are right on track with the essay.

You are right about your observation though and I reviewed the essay again, trying to look for the paragraph that we can remove in order to focus more on your story, your relationship with your dad. I do believe that I found the paragraph we can delete. I'll point it out to you below along with the new edits that I have for your essay.

-----------

Par. 1:
Since I was young, my mother had controlled of everything in my life. From homework, to friends I hung out with, to what I ate for dinner, everything was planned and organized. To be honest, I secretly enjoyed that, because due to her strictness, I was always the student with the best grades and the most athletic kid in the neighborhood.

Par.2:
Maybe because I relied on my mother too much, I felt the MY world come to an end when she died in a car accident.

leaving only my father and me I to continue.

Par. 3 - 4:
In the beginning, I knew it was difficult for him. He was never known for his tidiness but he had to learn to be organized for both of us. Just cooking rice was a challenging task for someone who had never cooked in his life. Sometimes, before I went to bed, I would find my father reading some instruction manual, trying to fix the broken refrigerator or other equipment. Many times, he would be multitasking, answering business phone calls while making dinner for us. My father and I were both quiet men, so we did not have many deep conversations as my mother and I used to have. Both of us were trying our best to be a family, but it was just not the same without mother. However, we never stopped trying to build our own special relationship as father and son. Last year, I took part of the international triathlon tournament in Beijing. Not only was it the first time that I was qualified for such an event, but it was also the first time my father attended one of my events.

*Combine the two paragraphs and remove the part in the middle in order to better focus the essay on the fact that you needed to develop your family relationship with your father. This will help us stick to the background prompt.

Par. 5:
After the race,i I hugged him by instinct. It was the first time i hugged him since i started high school. It was then I realized the unique dynamic of my family. Though I still never told him how grateful I felt when I crossed the finishing line, though he is still reticent, I saw the reflections of him HIS LOVE AND CARE in every day, feeling his love and care, which had been always surrounded me, BUT I FAILED TO ACKNOWLEDGE BEFORE BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS THE CONSTANT PRESENCE OFFERING LOVE AND CARE IN MY LIFE BEFORE. . I CAME TO A REALIZATION OVER TIME. AS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER IMPROVED OVER THE DAYS, We are WERE both contributing to this small family, exerting our LOVE, energy, and efforts silently.

Par. 6:
My father will never fill my mother's place, and love me like she did, but it was not because he loved me less. It was only that he had a different way of loving me, which was through support and care. In that way, he has done his best all these years to make up for her absence, and I am very thankful to him. In return, i I try to give him my full support IN EVERYTHING THAT HE DOES BECAUSE IT HELPS US BUILD OUR RELATIONSHIP AS FATHER AND SON. WHETHER IT BE volunteering with AND HELPING WITH his business's advertisements OR JUST SPENDING TIME WITH HIM. When he is finished with his photography, i am responsible for post-production editing, producing advertisements for his company. , I ALSO TRY TO SHOW HIM THAT I LOVE AND CARE FOR HIM. THAT I UNDERSTAND HIM EVEN WHEN HE THINKS I DON'T. JUST AS HE TRIES TO REACH OUT TO ME IN HIS OWN WAY. We might not meet the traditional definition of a perfect family, but we have found ways to care for and support each other. And I hope my mother, who maybe secretly watching us in heaven, is proud of what we have accomplished.

----------

Thank you for being my 1000th Like :-) I hope I am truly able to assist you with your essay writing needs :-)

Letters / Recommendation Letter on behalf of my Supervisior - For MBA [5]

Like I said Vishu, the letter is very complex and complete when it comes to your professional information and on the job training skills. While I find the letter to be extremely wordy, I will not consider that a negative because you were describing your professional duties and accomplishments. The narrative letter is most likely the writing style that you are most comfortable with :-) You don't have to worry about how it will be received by the reviewer.

While he might think that the letter is too long because the page is filled with words, if he takes the time to really analyze and understand the content of your recommendation letter, he will come to see that you are a candidate who is ready for an MBA in HR Management. All of the winning traits of a potential MBA student is clearly represented in your letter and in your skills. It is really a very good letter.

Honestly, I would not ask you to change anything in this letter. You have covered all of your bases and made sure that you will be viewed in the best possible light by the reviewer. Have confidence when you submit this letter. You have done your best. Now, it's all up to the way the reviewer will consider all of the documents you will submit with your application :-)

Letters / Recommendation Letter on behalf of my Supervisior - For MBA [5]

Vishu, the letter is already complete and informative as it is. The paragraphs just need to be adjusted and revised at certain points. Let me help with that aspect of editing your letter now. While I personally prefer the numbered / bullet points method of letter recommendation writing because it is easier to highlight your abilities and offers easier recall methods for the reviewer, I can tell that you prefer the narrative style so we will keep it that way as your preference.

Par. 1:
I have been her direct superior for almost 2 years (December, 2011 - October, 2013) SINCE I hired her as a Business Coordinator for B.A.G Live Entertainment Ltd.

during my tenure as the COMPANY Business Head.
After that, SHE CONTINUED TO WORK FOR ME WHEN I TRANSFERRED TO she worked for Skyline Tele Media Service, a M Media broadcasting technology service provider where I served in the capacity of Business head.

Her goal was to MS. TEOTIA HAS LONG DREAMED OF obtainING AN MBA degree for quite some time and I feel

PAR. 2:
helping the sales representatives IN improving their productivity,
liaising with THE HR department in THE hiring and termination of employees, AND evaluation of AN employee's performance.
With her HER positive attitude towards challenges and willingness to learn and absorb, helped her in understanding the basics of THE R radio industry like SUCH AS DEVELOPING HER knowledge of the radio market

She coordinated with THE technical department and was involved in the making of THE R radio station's new website.

Par. 3:
ensure that radio station output supports ED revenue generation.
the sales team in achieving THE agreed revenue targets on a regular basis,
which helped in increasing the S sales volume by 30% in a year.
she initiated a new system of records integration to avoid overlapping of clients amongst THE sales teamS.
A strong motivator, she learnt ED the strengths and weakness of her team members
Being creative, she consistently offered THE TEAM A fresh perspective on how to extract the best out of them.

Par. 4:
frequency allocation for broadcasterING , OB VAN(DSNG/SNG) operating license LICENSING, AND permitted content on private TV channels. She worked hard to maintain A good relationship with clients and vendors

and assisted the accounts department with THE resolution of problems related to payment and revenue collection.
Ms. Vishu also prepares D proposals and quotationS for clients.
took over additional responsibilities as they become BECAME available and handled each new role with professionalism.

Par.5:
her insatiable desire to serve the clients with THE best plausible solution.
Her great sense of humor has helped her forged strong relationships with subordinates,
Hence THAT IS WHY even with her experience in THE sales domain,
she has expanded her skill-sets required FOR human resourceS in a neat way.
program and WHERE SHE CAN provide fresh perspectives in your classes with strong background.

Par. 6:
Her participation in YOUR MBA COURSE will add to the CLASS quality in discussions and projects. Hence, I highly recommend her without reservation, and I am most certain she will make a great addition to your MBA program.

Scholarship / "Follow excellence and the success will chase you" - my Swiss scholarship motivation letter [10]

Basma, please bear with me as I correct your essay by paragraph. We just need to work on the grammar points right now. Don't touch the message anymore. The message is fine. Just choose a paragraph or two to delete on your own :-)

Par. 1:
I HAVE always believed that studying abroad
at one of the top universities in the world can IS be the key to become BECOMING a great veterinary researcher
who is able to pass her knowledge ON to others.
opportunity to apply to FOR A Swiss Government PhD Scholarship as it sponsorS ambitious students like me to study FOR STUDIES at excellent universities SUCH as THE University of Bern with an outstanding program that can be the milestone of my career.

Par. 2:
seeing how it can offersthe definite evidences to diagnose FOR DIAGNOSING a disease and how can it facilitates the road to prevent
Therefore, I applied for a master degree in Pathology and Clinical Pathology as soon as I graduated from Faculty of veterinary school at Assiut University.

My research was about Toxicological pathology as WHERE I recorded the effect of acrylamide as a neurotoxicant and used natural herbal antioxidants as LIKE garlic oil and thymoquinone as preventive drugs as it HAS proven its ameliorative effect against neurotoxicity.

Par. 3:
During my master degree STUDIES, Prof. Sary Abd Elgaffar teamed my experiment with A Libyan student from THE Science Faculty which shown ED my capabilities to work in a team.

In addition, I attended conferences SUCH as THE Scientific Conference of Veterinary Medical Society for Pathology and Clinical Pathology in Cairo
I also took online courses as IN RELATION TO writing in Science by AT Stanford University.

Par. 4:
What I learned during my master degree was thrilling but not enough for me. I am craving to learn more especially with what a PhD program at Bern University can offers me.

my PhD research protocol is the reasonS why I AM pursue ING pathology research
I will be able to provide a better understanding for OF the pathogenesis of a dangerous disease
contribute to the team working at THE Animal Pathology institute

Par 5:
In addition, I will be able to improve my skills at IN scientific writing, presentation skills, and experimental designing and analysis.
By WITH the assistance of the scholarship, I will work in ON a project that is covering COVERS a methodology

Par. 6:
which will make me AN internationally recognized pathologist and the first in the MY country to receive THE prestigious diplomate like it .
Additionally,A PhD degree will definitely promote me
I will also have the right to apply to FOR any of the grants offered by THE Science and Technology development Fund (STDF)
Finally, I am looking forward to resume RESUMING my work in Switzerland through post-doctoral studies

Par. 7:
Therefore, I wish to be considered for THE Swiss Government Excellence PhD Scholarship as I look forward to learnING, growING, and fulfillING my passion. In addition, I hope to follow CONTINUE THE TRADITION OF excellence ESTABLISHED BY BERN IN ALL MY UNDERTAKINGS, and have the knowledge that will benefit both Egypt and Switzerland in the near future. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your acceptance.

Undergraduate / READMISSION ESSAY - why did you leave NYU, what were you doing then, how you finish your course now? [7]

Hi Esther :-) You are right about one thing, your response to the first question is too complete. It ended up offering additional information that was not required by the question being posed. When you were asked for the reason why you left NYU, you were on the right track with your response. The only problem, is that you came to that realization during your gap year. When you should have explained the kind of student you were during your time as a regular student at NYU.

If you felt that you were a failure as a student, then explain why that is so. Those are the reasons that eventually forced you to leave NYU against your will. Clarify that you did not want to leave, but your grades were just so bad by that point that the university thought it best to allow you room to grow and consider what you really wanted for your future. Try to look at your dismissal from NYU as a good learning experience. That way, the reviewer will come to consider your circumstances more and contemplate that maybe, you deserve a second chance to attend the university.

You don't need to present a paragraph that presents your reaction to being dismissed from the university. That is not being requested for in the first question so it is irrelevant as a part of your response. Always remain focused on the question being asked. Simply put, your essay should look this way:

Question + Direct Answer = 1 paragraph.

Done that way, you will be able to respond to all the questions in the list before you know it :-)

Graduate / Brandeis MSF essay-Why are you interested and how will it help? [4]

Shiyun, checking out the new additions first as requested :-)

The main reason I want to pursue further study at Brandeis is because the MSF PROGRAM is desirablefor RELATED TO my interest in data-based finance.

BRANDEIS WILL SURELY HELP ME PREPARE I would be ready to help customers evaluate their business plans

I am sure the well-rounded career services PROGRAMS of Brandeis will guide me toWARDS my desired career.

The relationships between Brandeis school's Career Strategies Center and the leading multi-national corporations and financial institutions maintains in every continent are very attractive to me ENCOURAGES ME TO STRIVE AND PERFORM WELL as an international student.

decreasing the competitiveness of China to IN the world MARKET.

After reading your curriculum description, I am BECAME particularly interested
The great location of Waltham where lots of intern and work opportunities can be found is also appealing ALSO APPEALS TO ME.
interning, interviewing and working in Boston are within a close reach PROXIMITY.

Knowing that Brandeis has a strong art and athletic atmosphere, I am e specially interested in joining the tennis and swimming teams of Brandeis . I also hope I can show OFF my highly-trained piano skills after entering WHENEVER PERMITTED TO DO SO AT Brandeis.

-----

Only the corrected parts are shown here. Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / Just overnight, the family I was familiar with has disappeared, leaving only me and my father... [14]

Hi Fengrui :-) The essay is alright. But there are still some points that you need to revise in order to make it more of a relationship background story between you and your father. Please take note of the following corrections and comments that I will be making per paragraph below.

Par. 1:
Since I WAS young,
I was always the student with the best grades and the most athletic KID IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Par. 2:
Maybe because I relied on my mother too much, but when she left after a car accident, I felt the world come to an end WHEN SHE DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

leaving only my father and me I to continue.

Par. 3:
COMMENT: No corrections

Par. 4:
COMMENT: Delete this whole paragraph. This is the part of your essay that is best suited for the transition prompt of the common app essays. Move paragraph 5 up to replace the current content.

Par. 5 should merge with par. 6:
However, m my father and I were both quiet men, so we did not have many deep conversations as my mother and I used to have. Both of us were trying our best to be a family, but it was just not the same without mother. HOWEVER, WE NEVER STOPPED TRYING TO BUILD OUR OWN SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP AS FATHER AND SON.

Par. 7:
I saw my father waiting patiently with his camera, hours after the race started, just to capture moments of me A MEMORY OF MY PARTICIPATION IN THE EVENT. It was the first time I hugged him since I started high school.

COMMENT: After saying this was the first time you hugged him since you started high school, continue the paragraph by explaining how that act of bonding created a new and special relationship between the two of you. Explain how your relationship and bonding stemmed from there and what it resulted in.

Par. 8:
In that way, he has done his best all these years to make up for her absence, and I am very thankful forto him. In return, I try to give him my full support, volunteering to help WITH his business's advertisements. When he is finished with his photography, I am responsible for post-production editing, AND producing advertisements for his company.

Graduate / Economics Ph.D. SOP - need advice for expunging redundant information [7]

Yingchin, if your main purpose for pursuing the PhD course is so that you can do more research that you feel will be beneficial to your professional community in the future then concentrate on that point alone in the statement of purpose. You already said that the math subjects are part of the CV that is submitted to the reviewer. So there is no need for your additional explanation about the courses you took in relation to Math in your essay. You should allow your CV to explain the Math part to him. His only interest in reading your statement of purpose is just that, to learn and discover what you purpose is for higher study. In this case, your purpose is to be able to gain enough training and exposure to the field of your interest, which you can later on parlay into a research career.

Concentrate in building up your experience as an RA in relation to your PhD studies. Explain the kind of research exposure that you have had which you feel will be able to help you pursue a particular line of research, alongside your regular classes in this course. A Phd course is more concerned with research than anything else. Since that is your strength, then by all means, highlight that talent and skill.

This is why I keep on telling you to develop the topic of your research. What you lack in work experience we will try to make up for by polishing your research skills and talents. Focus on the RA work that you did and how it opened your eyes to the fact that there are more related fields out there for you to research and bring to the attention of your community. The Phd, is meant to guide you along this road. So tell the reviewer how you plan to pursue your PhD course in relation to your interest in research and what programs, internship, or mentor programs at the university you look forward to utilizing in order to achieve those study and research goals.

Undergraduate / The Scary 11ft Swimming Test PERSONAL NARRATIVE [11]

Connie, there is something in your essay that I must immediately call your attention to. Please revise the part where you said "indoor poop". I am sure you meant to say "indoor pool" as poop means feces or the final form of digested waste. It makes the essay sound stinky, if you get what I mean :-)

Now for some grammar corrections:

Swimming has always been a fun, exciting, and enjoyable activity and hobby THAT I enjoy doing a lot

I went to an indoor poop POOL

After paying AT the cashregister CASHIER COUNTER

I slowly walked into the freezing and YET cool water.

As I dropped into the depth of the... -
-----

The story is really getting to be quite interesting. However, you seem to have suddenly stopped writing. What happened next? Didn't you post the whose essay yet?

Graduate / "IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT" and I know I can do it. Applying for Masters in MIS. [5]

Hi Monica :-) I've finally finished reading and assessing your essay. After much examination and consideration, I have come to some conclusions regarding your current version of the essay.

With regards to the paragraphs that can be removed because it just doesn't move your SOP forward, I am recommending that you delete paragraphs 3 and 6. Paragraph 3 delves into your college background too much and ends up removing the focus from the purpose of your statement for a masters degree. Paragraph 6 is not relevant to your purpose for applying. The mention of your mother totally changes the focus of that paragraph so it is best to simply omit it.

Take paragraph five up in the essay, placing it in the place where your college information is at the moment. I think that will make it paragraph 2. It seems to be more relevant and informative when placed in that new position. It is more effective in helping focus your essay on the purpose of your studies. So by changing its place in the essay, you strengthen the overall written work.

After you reformat the essay paragraphs, review it and consider if there are any other paragraphs that you feel can be removed from the essay. If you think it is alright in its new form, post that new version here and I'll help you address the grammar problems next :-)

Scholarship / "Follow excellence and the success will chase you" - my Swiss scholarship motivation letter [10]

Basma, there is no need to apologize :-) There is a saying that goes "you work with what you've got". That is exactly what we have to do with your letter for the scholarship. I am quite impressed that you chose to put yourself on the line this way, presenting yourself in such a prone manner to the reviewer. Your passion and desire to improve your chosen profession is highly evident in the letter and touches the heart in more ways than one.

I am looking at the letter now from the point of view of a scholarship reviewer. Your opening paragraph immediately draws my attention because of the way that you seem to have a selfless personality. Immediately telling the reviewer that you are doing this not for yourself, but for the betterment of the industry was an excellent touch. It made me, in the guise of a reviewer, want to read more of your essay.

I finished reading your essay to the very end and came to the conclusion that while it may not compare in terms of credentials to the other applicants, your heart is what makes this essay stand out and stand a chance at consideration. I can understand the length, we need to present all your other credentials in a strong manner. You did that.

However, you may want to review the essay and decide for yourself which portions can be deleted in order to shorten the essay a bit. Maybe you can shorten the part about your career plans after completing your PhD? I was thinking that you can choose the more important career path to present in order to just give the reviewer an idea of your future plans. It does not have to be set in stone, he just needs to know you have some plan for your career after you graduate :-)

Writing Feedback / The famous people should be prepared to be a celebrity - and it's not always a pleasure. [7]

Hey Spark, welcome to the forum :-) Why do you think you have done something bad? As far as I can tell, you haven't done anything wrong here since you are new to the forum and this is actually your first post. Don't worry, you haven't violated any terms of use so far :-) Just relax and let us help you improve your essay writing skills ok?

You wrote a very good introduction. That first paragraph has more than the minimum number of sentences required. You were able to clearly and originally restate the prompt that you were provided for the essay. This is a very good first try at essay writing based upon your first paragraph alone. Good job! Some revisions for this paragraph:

You could be popular BY upgrading LOADING videos to the internet or going JOINING to reality shows. Being famous is something that most people wish FOR. But people only think in OF the advantages of being famous, but what about the disadvantages?

About the second paragraph, I think that it might have been better if you presented the advantages to being famous first. After all, that is what people are interested in knowing about. That is not to say though that you were wrong to discuss the disadvantages first. The topic that will be discussed first is really up to the writer. Let me correct some grammar mistakes that exist in your second paragraph:

On the one hand, there are several disadvantageS, first and in my opinion the most important; THERE IS A VIOLATION OF your private life. Not only paparazzis following THE PAPARAZZI FOLLOW you around the world looking FOR something to post on IN newspapers, s . Sometimes newspapers or magazines invento gossips about yoU. Moreover people judge you without knowING your real life.

As far as the third paragraph goes, you need to use more examples in order to support your line of reasoning. It is the weakest link in your written work at the moment. Here are the corrections for it:

In addition, everyWHERE you go, I am sure that you will be receive a better attention than an ordinary person. In addition, celebrities earn a lot of money and can buy whatever they want.

As far as the conclusion is concerned, you need to develop it better. Write it along the lines as the introduction. The same sentence number requirement applies. What you have right now is too short and your thought or message is not really clear. Try to rephrase it to make yourself better understood.

Undergraduate / Top Architecture school, so prideful that simply creates a palpable electricity - why to be a Hokie? [4]

Sarah, are you trying to answer the prompt in response to "5 Reasons to be a Hokie" or "Beyond academics and school rankings"? I just need a little clarification regarding the prompt because this statement sounds like it could answer either one and also, references a little of each prompt. I need to know the specific prompt to be answered so that I can help you develop a better suited response.

Rather than inserting the common known things about VT, such as the kind of student community they have, diversity, and their school spirit, try to provide some unique ideas about why you chose to apply to VT. Take the information from the week that you spent at the university during the Architecture and Design Camp. Maybe there was something that occurred during the week that resonated with you, thereby cementing your desire to attend the university. That would be the way to respon to the prompt if you are addressing the "Beyond rankings" prompt.

If you are discussing the 5 reasons, look back on the time you were at the university and pick your top 5 reasons for opting for the school. Don't provide generic responses covering the usual suspects of school spirit, the town, and student community. Analyze the reasons you have beyond those for the response. The tendency of most students is to provide the same responses for this prompt. So if you want your statement to stand out, you need to do some reflection and come up with highly different reasons for choosing VT. Reasons others may not think of using.