Scholarship / FUTURE PLAN KGSP - Being a superb researcher [5]

This version just requires one minor grammar correction. In the final paragraph please say that you plan to create your own natural cosmetic "line" not industry. The industry is all encompassing. You only wish to become a part of it by owning your own natural cosmetics company. Therefore the term "line" is the proper description to use. The overall essay is now very much reflective of your post study plans. It does a great job at discussing the 5 year period of your future career and shows that you have a well thought out plan of action which is all doable in the future. You may consider this essay complete and usable. Aside from the minor correction I pointed out, everything else checks out fine. So go ahead and use the essay already after applying the correction. Don't ask for approval anymore. You already have it.

Scholarship / FUTURE PLAN KGSP - Being a superb researcher [5]

Novenia, this is a very good post study plan. You have covered all the bases, including how you plan to give back to the scholarship by patenting a product in the cosmetic industry. Since the gratitude is evident in all of your actions, there is no need for you to include paragraph 2. Just mention that you will patent one or two products while you are working in Korea, for the benefit of the Korean industry that trained you. Then when you go back to your home country, explain that you will then work on improving the local cosmetics and patent new formulas in your country. I have a suggestion though.

Since you are already well trained at that point, why don't you mention something about starting your own cosmetics firm after working in your country for a few years? The masters degree should also have a personal and life improving aspect and starting your own business, after your academic training and knowledge transfer activities, seems to be the logical ultimate step in your post study plan.

Scholarship / Nothing is happier than turning your favourite hobby as a career [3]

Min, your essay seems to only present mere overviews of the specified topics in the prompt requirements. Do no be afraid to present a deeper meaning to the information you are presenting. Specifically, focus on your professional experience in relation to the KGSP requirements. While I admire your extra curricular activities and the fact that you are very conscious of your responsibility towards the less fortunate, I do not see how this relates to your chosen masters program for study. In fact, I don't believe you mentioned your masters program in this essay at all. You must explain your professional experience in relation to that in order for the reviewer to better assess your capabilities and qualifications for the scholarship.

It is also best if you do not mention "racism" in your essay. While Korea is a friendly country that welcomes its visitors, it is not good for your essay to mention something that is politically explosive. In addition to that, the presentation of your family's misfortune in relation to your desire to study in Korea should not be the only reason for it. That may be your personal reason, but the reviewer requires an academic reason to support that. So do not offer the whole last paragraph to just the presentation of your family woes. You are not writing a soap opera.

Focus on revising the essay to be more inclusive of the following requirements:
1. An in-depth discussion of your college accomplishments and only the most impressive of your volunteer activities, in relation to your college extra curricular demands.
2. A thorough presentation of your professional qualifications for this masters degree, mention the specific masters degree you will be studying.
3. A more professional motivation for your masters degree requirement.
4. A more academic, less personal reason for wanting to study in Korea. Bring the discussion about your studying Hangul with your friend down to this paragraph.

Grammar, Usage / The Importance of Choosing Strong Verbs [2]

A better developed verb presentation in a creative writing essay can also be helped or further strengthened by the proper use of an adverb. The verb, which is used to depict an action of the noun in the sentence, uses the adverb to connote the level of action. Which in turn, adds to the creative presentation of the written word. A well placed adverb after a verb can be enough to accurately depict the necessary level of intensity regarding a type of action in a sentence. A good example of a well developed verb-adverb relationship is:

Looking at the grotesque image in the painting, I suddenly felt afraid.

In this sentence the verb "looking" is supported by the descriptive adverb "suddenly" for the action "afraid" . Not all adverbs need to support the verbs in this manner though. An adverb can be placed in the beginning, middle, or end of a sentence. Wherever it can more appropriately support the verb action, resulting in a more imaginative presentation.

Essays / Guidlines regarding the ESADE Msc in Management essays [2]

Shubham, without knowing you personally, it is really difficult for me to advice you as to which of these 3 questions you should use for your essay. The best advice that I can give you is this, consider all of the questions you are provided, outline the possible responses that you can develop into a paragraph form. Which of the 3 questions ends up with the most information in the outline? Go with the question that rates highest in terms of related information to you, based on your data outline. I know that there is probably one essay that you are leaning towards at the moment but are unsure as to whether you can represent a proper response in an essay. By outlining the information for that essay, you will be able to better judge your ability to deliver the strongest possible response that you can develop for the question. If necessary, you can pick a question then start a new thread here where we can help you brainstorm the ideas for a response. The questions should actually, be able to help you develop an outline already because it offers you ideas as to the expected essay discussion. So consider those cues when developing your data outline.

Graduate / I've been told that women can not have a career in surgery. SOP for a British university [5]

Salwa, the first half of your essay is formatted more as a poem. Do not separate your ideas that way. Improve the first half of separated thoughts by trying to develop a smoother connected paragraph presentation instead. In the first paragraph, relate your story to the STEM problem in education and how women are being left out of it. Explain that through the masters degree, you hope to break through that glass ceiling.

When you discuss your work at the hospital, do not be so mechanical in the presentation of the information. Rather than discussing the rudimentary roles that you played in the hospital and operating room, focus instead on the problem of having women in the workplace and how it was difficult for you to gain the kind of training you wished to have in order to compete because of the lack of training facilities in the country. Explain that your purpose is to be able to gain training so that you can go back to your country and help to further modernize surgery or pioneer a particular surgery type in the hospital system. Or whatever your motivating factor for enrolling in the course is.

Do not mention Chevening in this manner in the essay. In fact, do not mention the scholarship at all. As a statement of purpose, the focus should be on your desire for higher studies and the reasons behind it. Explaining about Chevening related information in your essay is not necessary because the readers already know that information. Delete all references to Chevening.

Instead, focus on the professor whom you are excited to work with and learn from. Is he from the university? If he is, then you must integrate his profile as a professor, in relation to the masters degree that you want to enroll in, at the university where you hope to continue your studies. These should comprise only 1 paragraph because of the related information being presented.

Conclude the essay by focusing on the opportunities that you hope to gain by training at this university. That is all you need to do in order to create a focused statement of purpose.

Writing Feedback / Promotion of the well-being in societies and environments in which they operate. [2]

Paras, your score for this essay cannot be higher than a 3 for the following reasons: Your overview summary does not accurately outline the prompt discussion. When you are asked to present a discussion aligning with your own position on a given topic, while also addressing both points of view presented, you should do exactly that. In this essay though, you place your point of view only as a single sentence at the end of the discussion. Your point of view should have come at the beginning of the essay.

The format for this type of essay should have a proper overview in the opening statement, inclusive of your point of view. A better second paragraph would have first discussed the point of view you do not support, in general terms, so that you can oppose the point of view at the end of the paragraph as a manner of transitioning to your own position. The next 2 paragraphs should (1) represent the point of view aligned with your own (2) present a better developed personal point of view that can better support the public point of view that you support. With the final paragraph simply concluding the statement, without offering new information.

Basically, your discussion is good but was not properly represented in the essay. It is because of these reasons that your score could not be higher than a 3. I hope to see some improvement with the next GRE practice essay you work on.

Essays / In what way will Scholarships contribute to your life career? [8]

Bagu, since this is for a masters degree program, you have to go and reflect upon your current career status. Have you reached the ultimate career progression in this field based upon your college degree? If the answer is yes, then maybe you should be looking at having a career change within the same field so that you can get a promotion to a leadership position. If you feel that you still have some ways to go in your current career, then consider what shortcomings you have in terms of practical or theoretical knowledge that prevents you from doing your job to the best of your abilities. Basically, this essay is asking you to analyze your professional career in relation to the direction you wish to have it take in the future. Think of the "why" in this instance and you will begin to develop the outline and draft of your essay response. What do you want to do in your career? Is the masters degree the best way to develop this avenue in your profession? Why do you believe that to be so? These are the guide questions that can help you better develop an analytical essay in relation to the prompt question.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: TEENAGE YEARS OR ADULT YEARS ARE MORE HAPPY ? [7]

Pham, you indicated in the outline that you were going to discuss both points of view and also offer your personal opinion related to the discussion. I see two points of view being discussed in the essay but no personal point of view coming from you. I think you forgot about that. The lack of a personal opinion on your part is what severely lowered the score for this essay. The most common misconception with this type of essay is that your personal opinion should cover points A and B in the discussion. That is never the case.

The format for this essay is always as follows:

Par. 1: Paraphrased statement plus outline of discussion (includes a reference to your opinion)
Par. 2: Point A discussion
Par. 3: Point B discussion
Par. 4: Personal opinion discussion
Par. 5: Concluding statement.

The essay prompt itself already clues you in on the chronological order of the discussion and expected discussion points. Always take your format outline from there in order to present an effective essay. For now, the score of your essay would be a 4. This is based on the wrong discussion format and lack of personal opinion. The task accuracy score lost major points due to that error.

Scholarship / Plan to applying for the KGSP for Graduate Degree via Embassy this year [7]

Echa, your first paragraph is a big mess. There are too many topics being covered that need to be resolved. You know that the prompt requirements are meant to guide your discussion. I suggest that you use the guidelines provided. By doing that, your essay should have the following content per paragraph:

Paragraph 1: Clarify this paragraph. Present your family and personal background. Your admirable character traits, your weaknesses as a person, how your family helped you to develop into the person you are today. Explain your point of view about life and where that understanding comes from. Explain how all of these elements have combined into your hopes and aspirations for your own life.

Paragraph 2: Introduce your academic background. Focus on the development of your interest in the field of business. This is where you can introduce the business background of your family that led to your business studies. Shed light on your academic accomplishments covering any notable awards and achievements you might have had which helped you to gain employment.

Paragraph 3: Discuss your part time work as a student, there is no need to mention that your professor was involved in this unless he was your direct supervisor during this time.

Paragraph 4: Remove this paragraph in total. Don't delete it. Just transfer it to your post study plans essay instead. That is where this discussion belongs, not in the self introduction. Replace it instead with an explanation of the motivation behind your masters studies. This should be something related to the perceived business problem in your country or within your family business which you wish to resolve by improving your business skills through the attainment of an international masters degree.

Paragraph 5: I will withhold any comments and possible adjustments to this paragraph for now. I want to see how you will revise the essay first so that my advice can help you make a Korean connection for your reasons to study in Korea.

Letters / You took your family to a nearby restaurant. Disappointed with the meal and complain to manager [8]

Nilendra, when you have a question about something, please post it in a separate thread. Do not ask a question or clarification to your question in the thread of someone else. That is a violation of the forum rules and will be a point for suspension later on. I am warning you now because you are new to the forum and not familiar with the rules yet. My response to you here will be a one time deal. Do it again and your question will fall on deaf ears. I will not respond anymore because I have already warned you about the violation.

In a formal letter of complaint, you must state your full name at the start and at the end of the letter because the manager/supervisor/team leader must know who is complaining and about what. The repetition of the name at the end is required in all format letters and therefore, the format of Jaya is correct. You are the one who is mistaken.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1. SUA, Sweden and Japan; Proportion of elderly in three different countries. [6]

Ana, do you see how the graph is arranged chronologically by year and how the percentage discussions followed suit? There is a reason for that. You were being given an opportunity to discuss the graph by bracket. That means, doing a continuous comparison of the data by grouping the information presentation per paragraph. That way, you present a clear analysis covering at least 2 groups of years. Or, you could have discussed the first 3 years together, then the next 2 years, and then finally the last year which is forward looking, all as separate paragraph discussions. This could have increased your task accuracy and grammar range scores significantly because you would have written more words that hopefully, would have translated into a better description of the graph and increased understanding for the reader. That said, the possible score for your essay, based upon my previous, applicable comments and comparison of your work with the current chart, would be a 5.

Scholarship / The growth of mathematics. KGSP 2017 self-introduction essay - I really want to show a good essay [4]

Syaqila, the essay that you wrote requires content revision more than grammar correction or length editing. That is because the essay needs to deal with some essential aspects of the KGSP scholarship before you can actually even begin to call this a draft of your self introduction letter. For starters, The opening paragraph discusses your course of life but does not introduce your parents and your family background to the reviewer. The parents are an integral part of your course of life and must be represented in your essay, along with any other people who may have influenced your course of life and point of view about life. Your point of view about life, as it was developed by your life experiences and your parents influence is not clear in the essay either. The point of view is important because it shows the reviewer the kind of person that you are in terms of character traits.

As a masters degree student, the only educational requirement for presentation here relates to your college degree. That means that you must eliminate the reference to Kindergarten and the national tests that you took. Instead, discuss the development of your interest in your major and then introduce the college accomplishments that you had to accompany that. Transition the paragraph by explaining how you ended up becoming a tutor for 3 months. Then continue that discussion in a new paragraph.

Your professional career, though only 3 months is enough to be presented as a serious experience in this essay. What you have to do, in order to make it qualify is present an argument about the teaching of Math in your country that you felt was not good, needs to be changed, or that you hope to improve. That creates the motivating factor for your studies and could strongly lead into your interest to study the masters degree in Korea.

If you are applying via university track, you need to add more information about the reasons why you are interest in enrolling in Konkuk university. That paragraph is extremely short and does not well represent the reasons that you have for studying in Korea. You have known about Korea for 10 years now and yet you are not able to come up with some valid and convincing reasons for your possible studies in Korea. The reasons you have given are pretty much standard answers from all the applicants. It won't make your essay stand out. You need a reason that will catch the reviewers attention and make him consider you a possible serious contender for the scholarship.

Graduate / 'formulating natural products drugs' KGSP Letter of Introduction [11]

Actually, your essay is still too short if you are to consider that you need to provide definitive discussions of the 4 prompt requirements. The essay that you wrote took a lot of short cuts in establishing those facts. You can actually expand on your discussion because the essay you are supposed to present is supposed to be on a single page, Times New Roman font , size 10. The way I see your paper on a doc sheet, you have room for at least 2 more fully developed paragraphs. Well, since you are only posting the paragraphs that we are working on, I think you have enough material to fill an entire page right? From the looks of it, these last 2 paragraphs that you wrote will work very well when integrated with the first few paragraphs that you wrote. Once you put the essay altogether, it will already be in its final form. So you are done with this essay. Good work with the revisions. You really came through.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

I made that suggestion but your presentation to your supervisor is wrong. Which is why I did not understand what you were saying. Also, because I made the suggestion, that does not mean that I should do all the work for you. If you like the topic then do the research for it. Then properly present the argument to your professor. I am not here to research the work for you. Nor will I continue to spoon feed you information regarding it. If you like the topic, then do research about it, making sure to focus on the questions of your professor, then present it as a defense. I will not and cannot do the work for you. I only make suggestions. You do everything else. You seem to have misunderstood how we work here. You have to do the research in response to the questions of your professor. Not me. That is not part of my duty here. Do the research and find the answers. You already said you read information about it. So why can't you find the answers? Work on it. The answers are there. You just have to be conscious of the questions that you are seeking responses to.

Writing Feedback / Deciding which age of the life is the happiest is a controversy [5]

The biggest problem of this essay is your lack of proper paragraph development for each side of the discussion. There is the pro, the con, and the personal opinion side. 3 topics that should have been discussed in 3 body paragraphs, resulting in a 5 paragraph essay. That is not what you did here. The way the paragraphs are formatted, it is not clear that you are discussing a personal opinion instead of a comparison. The outline is weak because the flow of discussion presented in the paragraph does not list the proper discussion which should have included a clear indication of your opinion, which was to be discussed later on in the essay.

Your opening and closing paragraph are both wrong in this instance. The closing paragraph should have merely summarized the discussion, offered both opinion reasons, then closed with a restatement of your personal opinion. Due to the confusion in the way you presented your discussion, which did not follow the prompt requirement, you cannot score higher than a 4.

I will be unable to write a proper introduction and conclusion example for you because, in order for me to do that, I would have to rewrite your essay in the correct format. You will not learn anything if I revise this essay totally for you just to show you the right way to discuss it. I already indicated the problems and how you should fix it the next time you happen to come across an opinion discussion prompt. Apply the corrections there for an improved score.

Graduate / 'formulating natural products drugs' KGSP Letter of Introduction [11]

Novenia, don't explain about the language program in the essay if it is only in reference to the KGSP being a prestigious program and you want to learn Hangul. Those sentences are really weak and not necessary to state. Speaking of your parents, I overlooked the fact that you did not refer to your course of life at the start of your essay. You can incorporate that into this paragraph where you state that you want to make them prior. What is your family background in relation to the proud that completing this course will bring to your family? That is necessary to address in your essay as part of your course of life and point of view about life. The last paragraph works better for the essay. It's a good revision. However, you should explain your exposure to the Korean cosmetics industry and how it enticed you to apply for a master's course in the country. It could be through advertising or research you did after seeing a few of their cosmetics in the market.

Graduate / Korea; developing myself in the country's culture and language. KGSP Study Plan Draft [3]

Nina, since the first year of language learning is not considered a part of the masters degree course, you should just omit discussing that in the opening statement. Discuss the study plan immediately because that is what the essay topic is all about. Don't waste time with trivial matters like language learning. That is not important in this case. The overall content of your study plan shows a well thought out and designed research process. However, you don't really explain what your expected outcome might be. Is that something that you are not willing to hazard a guess upon because you do not know how the research will really progress and what you hope to discover over time? That's alright if you don't have an expected outcome yet because this is just a summary presentation. It's just for preliminary consideration at this point. Subject to change as I said before. By the way, you mentioned more than one novel to review for your study, so use the term "these" instead of "this". Just a minor point for correction. Aside from these minor changes, the essay is in a flawless state.

Scholarship / Born and raised in Banjarmasin, Indonesia. My dream for KGSP [20]

If you feel that you qualify for this scholarship based upon something that you have in mind or a belief in your qualifications that you feel others cannot see or are underestimating, then there is nothing I can do to change it. The essay that you wrote, in my opinion is still severely lacking in content, passion, purpose, and motivation because of the strict requirements regarding either a career change or professional experience in relation to your desire for higher study.

KGSP scholars are problem solvers, not people seeking answers to questions. They require additional training because they want to be able to help improve their profession. The requirements I speak of have nothing to do with the Chevening scholarship, which is even stricter and demanding of their applicants.

The KGSP is similar to that strict and demanding requirement also but I guess you cannot see that because of the simplicity of their requirement presentation. I will not try to dissuade you from applying for the program. I wish you the best and I hope you qualify for the second round of consideration based upon the credentials you will be presenting to them. Use this essay as you wish to.

Undergraduate / Describe a character on a TV show or a book that you most identify with and why [4]

Jacob, since the reader will most likely not be familiar with Zack, I suggest that you spend the first paragraph presenting the background of Zack and establishing the traits that you find admirable in him the most. Then in the second paragraph, introduce yourself as having a similar personality. Explain how the similarities have also surprised you because you never expected a fictional character to have such strong similarities with you. In order to make the essay believable, the foundation has to be made stronger. So before you use the anecdotes, establish the similarities in a logical manner first. Right now, the focus of the essay is mostly on the character, when the essay calls for a balanced representation or a discussion of the character that allows you call more attention to your own traits in relation to the fictional person.

Scholarship / From dreams into reality. It's first self-introduction of my life. I'm applying for KGSP [10]

The worst thing that you can do is post your essay part by part. That is not how to best write this essay and get reviews for it. You have to post the complete draft that represents all of the KGSP requirements. By doing that, I can properly assess and analyze the content of your essay for relevance and cohesiveness. As for whether or not the paragraphs you wrote are sufficient. I already explained why you cannot use that in this essay and how you should properly write that section for the KGSP required portions. Refer to thread 9 for those comments. I will not repeat it here. So you have 7 essays written? I hope those are complete essays that represent the required information of the self introduction letter. What you have to do now is pick only 1, the one that you feel is the best draft that you have, to work on for improvements based on what you now know of the prompt requirements.

Post that new essay in a new thread. Do not add it to this thread because that is a new essay which we will be working on. If you post that new essay here, it will be deleted and you will be asked to start a new thread. So choose the best of the 7 essays that you wrote, post it as a fresh essay in a new thread / topic and we will begin working on that essay in that thread. I hope I have made my instructions clear to you.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

Reza, you are the one who made that suggestion to your supervisor. If you read what I suggested, it is nowhere near what you told your supervisor. So if anyone has to defend the proposal, based upon the topic choice and other facts it should be you. I am not going to write this proposal for you. You do the research, you do the presentation, you do the justification to your supervisor. I recommended a few possible topics and explained some of the research that will be required and some justification to you. However, you seem to think that I should be the one defending the choice to your supervisor. That is not part of what I do here.All of the work, has to be done by you. This is a topic you chose. As you said, you have read about it and have knowledge about the work done in this area. So you defend your choice based upon the information that you have researched.

Scholarship / Education is the most effective tool in which you can use to change the world. [4]

Ansley, when you write a scholarship essay, regardless of the prompt, there is always one important and motivating factor you have to consider, the personal reasons for your desire to gain a scholarship. A scholarship essay is not the same as a research paper. Which is what you have started to write here. Unless, you accidentally placed a research paper draft in the scholarship section? Hey, it sometimes happens here. In which case, you just have to correct my impression and give me a better idea of what the research is all about.

However, if you have really written this for a scholarship application, then this is the wrong way to go. Don't approach it like a research paper because that is definitely not what is required in a scholarship essay. Would you mind posting the complete instructions for this essay in the next thread so that I will have a better idea as to the direction the essay has to take ? Right now, even without the prompt, I know that this is not the direction for this essay. I just can't offer you better advice as to how to correct it without the complete prompt instructions. I am more than happy to help you, provided you equip me from your end to do just that.

Undergraduate / The world needs engineers that can and will change it for the better. Chemical engineering statement [2]

Mezna, only the first 2 paragraphs of your essay are worth including in this "Why" essay. The rest of the information that you present is best saved for other common app prompt requirements that may require such information. So keep only the first 2 paragraphs of your essay for this topic. What is missing in this essay is a personal motivating factor that pushed you to focus on Chemical Engineering as your college major. The opening paragraph does its job in setting the tone for the essay and the second paragraph works well as the reason behind the choice. All you need now is to explain why you were motivated to choose this course. The elements you presented in the opening statement are widely known facts and sentiments. So these cannot be considered a personal motivating factor. Those are merely the basic reasons why one would choose to enter this profession. Try to indicate a motivating factor that best represents your desire to help your country in this field. What is the problem or situation of Chemical Engineering in your country? Is there a problem that can best be resolved by a highly trained expert in this field? What is your objective (for yourself and your country) for studying this course? Try to go beyond the obvious. Look into your personal reasons and present a very good reason for choosing this college major, one that tells the reviewer that you will actually be able to complete this course and not switch majors once you are already enrolled.

Scholarship / Passing on the knowledge - SOP Future Plan for KGSP scholarship. [2]

Fabiola, the post study plan for the KGSP program should cover the first 5 years of your career post graduate. Therefore, you should not be discussing your PhD as the focal point of this essay. Rather, you should be indicating the PhD studies as the next phase of your educational development at the end of the essay.

The essay needs to have you indicate a desire to work in Korea for a few years but not a desire to stay in Korea. All of the post study plans require that you go back to your home country after a few years to share the knowledge and expertise that you gained during your studies and professional career in Korea. You should modify the essay to reflect that.

A PhD is normally undertaken within a decade after your masters studies. Therefore, that sort of detailed discussion is not warranted in this essay. Instead, mention what kind of career you hope to have upon your return home and that you look forward to going to Korea after some time in order to continue with your medical training as PhD student.

Focus the essay on achievable, professional post study goals. The medical license exam in Korea is a logical part of the plan since you cannot practice your profession in Korea without it. The PhD education, that is not something that you can immediately undertake upon graduation and requires a different set of preparations so do not include a detailed discussion of that here. You are not applying to PhD school yet.

Scholarship / From dreams into reality. It's first self-introduction of my life. I'm applying for KGSP [10]

Wong, in the first paragraph, there is really no need for you to speak of your parents divorce unless it helped to shape the point of view about life or your life course. At the age of 5, I doubt that the divorce had that kind of effect on you so the reference to it can be safely removed. The paragraph about your interest in computers is also suspect because it sounds too much like the other essays focused on the same topic at this forum. Do not copy the work of the other students, develop your own.

As for the paragraphs about your education, it has too much information and not all of it is required by the KGSP so you can remove those references as well. For this scholarship, the focus of the academic essay should be only on the college side because that is where the connection with your masters degree comes in. After you tell the reviewer what you majored in while in college along with any achievements you may have had, you must immediately shift the focus to your professional experiences. If you lack after college professional experience, then you can mention some part time work that you did as a student, provided it is an impressive sort of internship or part time job at a known company or corporation. Otherwise, the lack of professional experience will prove to be a hindrance to your application.

If you already lack the time to properly develop this essay and this is the best that you can come up with, I do not suggest that you proceed further with your KGSP application. You will not make it past the first round of considerations because, based upon this current essay, you are not qualified for the program. If this is the best you have to offer the reviewer, I sincerely doubt that you can develop a proper study goal and a post study plan for yourself.

The career you have chosen to take a masters degree in is not even clear in this essay. There are no motivating factors for your interest in the scholarship and you do not even have any stated reasons for wanting to study in Korea. This essay just isn't at the level that a KGSP applicant is expected to be at when he applies for admission to the program.

The only think you can do now is either devote your time to properly writing an essay that can help your application or, you wait till you have gained more experience and then apply during the next round of applications. You definitely cannot use this essay for the March 10 deadline for the reasons I stated above.

Undergraduate / A very compelling choice for me. George Washington University Supplemental Essay (Transfer) [6]

You might say that it conveys both the academic and political side of your personality. That is not something that I would consider to be a holistic approach to your personal presentation. Instead, it portrays only two sides of our personality, which does not tell the reviewer much about what kind of things get you excited about learning or the overall student community you are involved in. While you did well in terms of proving your openness and ability to embrace an open form of education, you are boxing yourself into one specific community at the university when you should be excited about the overall community experience instead This is just my personal opinion though. As a reviewer, I would have rather wanted to see that you have the ability to get along with all the students, regardless of party and political affiliations. That creates a closed off personality for you in a way that does not reflect well upon your ability to find and live an exciting live on campus.

Writing Feedback / Full time education before the age of 18 is beneficial for students and the whole society [2]

Jessie, please come up with an original title for your essay next time. You cannot use the prompt topic as the title. That will eventually earn you a suspension from the moderators. Consider this a friendly reminder. It is a reminder that also asks you to please post the complete prompt topic and instructions in the next thread because I need the complete prompt to compare your work against. I cannot accurately judge the completeness of your response if I do not have the guidelines by which I can analyze your work.

The first paragraph has a problem in it as you point out that you are stating your "opinion" on the matter. The basis of the essay discussion is not one of an opinion essay. This is an agreement or disagreement essay. Therefore, you could have simply stated that "I agree with the statement due to a number of reasons that will be discussed below." There is no need to say "In my opinion" because an opinion is different from taking a side and defending it. The side already exists and you are merely supporting it. To say "In my opinion" means that there is no side to be considered in the discussion yet. That is not the case in this essay so that is the wrong sentence to include in the opening statement.

Your second paragraph opens with a highly confusing statement. I think you translated from the original Chinese language when you developed the sentences. That is why it is kind of difficult to understand. You need to keep the sentences simple while you are doing the practice tests. Try to explain yourself in short sentences for now. You will slowly progress in sentence length as you gain more confidence and knowledge as to how to best develop English sentences.

In terms of required elements, your opening and closing statements need work. You have to learn to develop far more informative opening statements that can accurately portray the outline of the expected, upcoming discussion. While your concluding paragraph needs to be better developed in terms of simply closing the essay in a manner that accurately restates the prompt, summarizes the discussion, and finally, repeats your agreement or disagreement with the statement.

Scholarship / Born and raised in Banjarmasin, Indonesia. My dream for KGSP [20]

I am sorry to say this but it will be extremely difficult for you to get this scholarship because you cannot accurately represent the requirements of the program. Take for example, the discussion you have above. This is not the level of writing nor experience that can win you this scholarship. This level of writing is only meant for a college application common app prompt. Even the content is only good for a college level , transfer university application.

This is not masters degree level writing, it does not contain any relevant professional experience in relation to your masters degree course, and frankly, fails in all aspects for consideration in the letter of self introduction. There is simply not enough information for you to compete among the other applicants.

You cannot apply for the scholarship if you do not have a solid idea as to why you are motivated to study IR aside from wanting to study it in Korea. There is no meat to your application. You do not have the appropriate amount of professional experience. Your academic experience does not translate into professional experience.

Your interest in the country is trivial at best and your desire for a masters degree in IR does not have a definitive purpose that relates to your professional career because there is no professional career to speak of. I am also at a loss as to how to help you improve this essay. There is no avenue for improvement left because of your lack of proper qualifications and the fact that you do not have a clear career progression or ambition to speak of except a jumble of different aspects of your study that relate to international relations.

Unless you can come up with more accurate, relevant, and impressive information to share with the reviewer, I am afraid this essay is dead. It is unusable for your purpose and cannot be improved anymore at this point due to the lack of relevant information coming from your end for your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1. SUA, Sweden and Japan; Proportion of elderly in three different countries. [6]

Ana, we need the graph for the essay to compare your work to. You should know the rules by now. The image always accompanies your IELTS Task 1 essay. Otherwise, how can we score you properly and point out the problems in your data presentation? The general comments on your work will only get you so far. Anyway, here are the general comments for your work.

The main problem with your essay is that you did only the most minimal amount of work in order to present the readily seen information from the graph. Why do I know that? I know it because of the mechanical detailing that your paragraphs contain. There is no sense of real analysis and understanding of the graph you were provided. I am sure that there was more to the graph than just what you presented here. I'll offer more comments about that when I finally see the graph.

You also have a problem with offering an expanded opening statement and concluding paragraph. You need to provide more insight in those paragraphs in order to increase your possible score. Don't just say it in 2 sentences. Try to say it in in 3 sentences so that you can at least offer a glimpse into how you additionally understood the information you have been provided.

I will not score your essay for now. I feel that it would be unfair to do so without having seen the way that you handled the graph information presentation. I hope you can upload the graph soon for additional comments and advice for your continued improvement.

Graduate / The Korean Millennial's View of Young Adult Literature. Study Plan Proposal Title [4]

That would all depend upon what your thesis adviser will tell you to do. I am not really in a position to make guesses about that. While I do not see anything wrong with it. The fact that you are going in for an English masters degree might have some effect on the type of research that you will be doing. I would not worry about it at this time. You just need to submit a study plan, but it does not have to be the final study plan that you will be doing within the 2 year time frame. You will be given enough time to change your mind about your thesis research if you should wish to do so. The study plan is actually just to show the reviewer that you are serious about your studies and that you do not plan to waste your free time while a student in Korea. Make it very impressive if you can, but don't settle on that topic becoming your final thesis topic as of now. It is just meant for the application. However, if you can follow through and actually do your thesis on that topic, then well and good.

Graduate / The Korean Millennial's View of Young Adult Literature. Study Plan Proposal Title [4]

I think that this would make for an interesting research paper. Koreans are known for being very forward thinking and innovative young minds. So their interest in YA stories would probably open a tremendous number of research avenues for you. Are you planning to focus the paper on their interest in English YA novels such as the Hunger Games, Twilight, The Insurgent Series, and other books? Or are you going to be focusing on the Korean YA publications? I think you need to narrow down the topic a little bit more. While the premise is good, it seems too broad in coverage. Maybe you can follow the development of the Korean YA novels in comparison with their English counterparts? I would be interested to know how their YA novels are influenced by the American or British novelists in the same genre.

Scholarship / I intend to work in Korea for a few years - future plan after study - KGSP [2]

This is an improvement but there are still throwaway paragraphs included. Removing them will create a better structure for you to develop your discussion on. Totally remove paragraphs 1, 4, and 5. These are not post study plans. Paragraph one goes back to the start of your education which is a useless topic to mention because the assumption the reviewer is making is that you have some solid plans for after graduation. Regardless of what happened during the past 3 years. Paragraph 4 makes references to your mothers business which had an influence on you. The mention about fashion and K-pop is also misplaced as they do not make reference to any future plans for yourself. Again, it is irrelevant to your post study goals. If you had said that you planned to manage her business instead, then its inclusion would have a purpose in the post study presentation. You should just use the part about how you plan to start a business in that paragraph. That is more related to the post study goals. The closing statement is not effective. The reference should be forward and not backward thinking. Think of how you see yourself as a graduate in the future and close on that note.

Writing Feedback / Some people claim that the goal of politics should be the pursuit of an ideal. Others argue ... [4]

Paras, please make sure that you develop an original title for your essay next time. Do not use the prompt as the title because I need the complete prompt included with the essay posting in the text box. That way I can immediately give you an accurate review of your work, along with a possible score instead. Please remember that the other members of our community will not be able to participate in your thread if they do not know what topic you are trying to discuss and what exam you are taking. In this case, I am familiar with both the prompt requirement and the test that you are taking so I will be able to offer you advice on how to improve your essay. I am just sad that the other will not be able to participate in the thread due to the missing prompt requirement. Please provide that as soon as you can so that the others can also offer you their help.

In reference to the work that you did. The full requirement of the GRE essay requires you to take the stance that is closest to the personal position that you have. The statement of this position should be located in the opening statement along with the restatement or paraphrasing of the topic for discussion. You failed to do that in this essay. In fact, you did not indicate your position on the discussion until the concluding paragraph. So you will be scored less due to that oversight on your part.

There is also the problem of English grammar accuracy on your part. Please note that there is a difference between the terms "reach" and "rich". "Reach" means to "stretch out an arm in a specified direction in order to touch or grasp something." or "a continuous extent of land or water, especially a stretch of river between two bends, or the part of a canal between locks.", while "rich" means "having a great deal of money or assets; wealthy." You must always aim to use the correct English term for your essay or you will lose points for using the wrong word in the sentence. This is a problem with like sounding words. Be very careful about this because it has the ability to change the meaning or create confusion about the meaning of what you want to say.

Due to the problems with your discussion, I feel that in an actual test setting, the work that you did cannot gain you a score higher than a 4. The score is based on the problems with your writing style and grammar and usage.

Graduate / 'formulating natural products drugs' KGSP Letter of Introduction [11]

Novenia, your motivation for studying your masters degree in Korea needs to be better developed. It should be in reference to something more than just having seen a Korean movie so you started to research about Korea and you liked what you read. The reference to the motivation must always, always, be in relation to your chosen profession and the progression of your career. So, tell the reviewer if you plan to continue to grow your career in the field of natural cosmetics. Since Korea is known for its affinity for all things natural, then studying something along those lines in Korea would be a natural progression for you. That is because your career is based upon the pharmaceutical development of natural cosmetic products. This would be a stronger connection between your career and the KGSP program you are applying for admission to. Revise your final statement to become stronger using the information I gave you. Make sure to do additional research if necessary, before you write another version of the concluding paragraph.

Undergraduate / A very compelling choice for me. George Washington University Supplemental Essay (Transfer) [6]

Chris, remove the stand alone sentence at the start of the essay. You don't need that sort of curt and useless introduction. Just open the essay with the strong academic statement in the first paragraph. As for the second paragraph. I was hoping to see more from it than just the political concentration that it has. As a student looking for a well rounded education, you should be looking for a university that will do more than just engage you in political discussions and representative actions. There are other organizations at GU that you can also join, in relation to your major that can help you become a better citizen and future economist. For example. you may want to look into the Alpha Kappa Epsilon, Alpha Kappa PSI, Delta Sigma, Multicultural Business Student Association, all organizations that somehow help you create a network related to your major, which you can use upon your graduation. This is just a suggestion. You should show the reviewer that you really know the way the university excite you about your chosen major in various ways. Not just one way when it comes to joining student organizations.

Poetry / Nepotism - A football match/game [6]

The five stanzas that I wrote for you would be sufficient in most cases. However, you need to add 2 more stanzas in order to properly close the poem. I know why you think you should use 5 stanzas. My stanzas have a clear train of thought in English and yours do not. The problem, is that you can't base your poem on my work alone. It has to contain some semblance of your own voice in it. Add 2 more stanzas to what I wrote, choose the best ones from what you have already written and add it to the poem. That will create a blended poem that has the clear voice of intentions at the start and the strong finish of the emotions and feelings that you have about nepotism at the end. Don't use just the 5 stanzas alone. You just need to pick 2 from what you have already written. How do you see the poem closing? Which of your written work do you feel delivers those last 2 elements? Add it and then show it to me so I can tell you if it works or not. I think it will.

Graduate / I am applying for KGSP so kindly view my self introduction letter [3]

Muhammad, your essay fails to explain the reasons why you feel a strong desire to study a masters degree in Korea. More importantly, you have to mention the masters course that you plan to take and how it relates to your college major and your current profession. You need to further develop your professional experience paragraph. Offer a clear paragraph that explains your development at the company, your duties and responsibilities, and what problems you encountered which led you to believe that you needed to study more about the subject. The fact that you have a brother working in Korea is a plus for your application. It offers a clear motivation as to why you would have chosen to study in Korea. Please remove the reference to you knowing about Korea from the age of 8. That is unimportant here. What is important is the motivating, academic factor that pushed you to study in the country. What makes you think that you will be able to succeed in your studies in Korea? What are the reasons you have for choosing to study there ? Your paragraph in reference to that is empty. It does not contain any personal information or an understanding of what is required of a KGSP scholar. You need to better develop the content of your essay because right now, you do not have enough material to fill the page.

Undergraduate / Depression - 5.125 million college students diagnosed. Issue of Importance Essay for UT Austin [3]

Abby, I am not sure what this essay is for. Is this for a college paper or a college application? If it is for the college application, I would like to have a copy of the prompt and instructions posted in the next thread from you so that I can better asses the content of the essay. Right now, this is coming across as a very insightful and informative research paper about depression. However, it doesn't involve you directly. Since you mentioned UT Austin in the title. I am wondering if you did not misunderstand the prompt and offer a different answer for the instructions you were given. The essay is too long and focuses on your friend instead of you. Normally, that is not how essays of this sort (college application) goes. It would have you discussing your participation in the problem of your friend and focus on how it affected you and led you to your choice of major. This essay, doesn't accomplish that in a very good manner. I will be able to offer better instructions for the revision once I read the actual instructions. Please post it soon.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Transfer/Statement of Purpose Essay - extra elements which complete my applicarion [5]

Good work Cailyn. There are some commendable points in this essay, just as there is one point for revision left. As a statement of purpose, you have managed to show off your development as a student at Baylor. The explanation about how far you have come and what you expect to achieve in the future comes out as well balanced and offers the reviewer an insight into who you are a student and where you hope to be headed. It is interesting to read although it does take a while to get to the point. If you can just shorten the anecdote at the beginning so that the reviewer gets to the point as quickly as possible, then the essay should finally be in its submission form. The statement of purpose should actually open with the purpose of your application but, owing to how the anecdote helps to explain some facts about your purpose, it would be best to shorten that paragraph so that the focus can immediately transfer to the target information your last 2 paragraphs contain.