Undergraduate / Only Better - conquering something a thousand times larger than myself; Common App. Personal Essay [3]

Hi Raphael, it is nice to see you here again. I hope you won't take these comments as an affront to you but, the essay doesn't really deliver the kind of background story that would be considered relevant to the prompt requirements. The reason for this is that the essay focuses more on the background of your father and grandfather and not enough on your background. As far as I can tell, your grandfather and father are from Bataan but you are from Manila right? Therefore, more than half the essay does not apply to you.

The story of your father and grandfather, while notable, is not your background. Your background lies in Manila and your life there. Your relationship with your father could however, be re-framed for this discussion. Talk about your background growing up without your father's constant presence instead. Make the bike trip all about a bonding moment between the two of you instead.

Talk about the experience as an enlightening moment that allowed you to get to know your father and vice versa. That way, you can keep the latter part of the essay that explains how you have come to understand that you are not so different from your father. Do not waste time or space describing where your father came from. That is totally irrelevant to your story.

The background story must become more about how your father was able to inspire you, at the most opportune time, to become not just the best that you can be, but be "better" each time. That way, the essay covers two prompt suggestions, a background and an identity. As such, your essay becomes more interesting and offers more information about you to the reviewer.

So my suggestion is that you remove the first half of your essay, keeping the story about the bike ride, but not the references to your grandfather. Revise the introduction of your father and the activity in order to better align with the theme that I am suggesting. That is, if you are amenable to it.

I tried doing it myself in Word and I found that your essay was more focused, informative, and interesting to read. Mostly because the shortened focus highlighted your background instead of having you share the spotlight with your father and grandfather's story. As always, the focus of your essay must be on you. Once a secondary or tertiary character in your narrative takes more than half the space, you are not properly developing the essay.

Undergraduate / As a Nigerian and also a black child, I stand as a symbol of Africa all over the world and my dream [4]

Habeeb, I am not sure what the purpose of this essay is. Since you forgot to post the prompt requirement or instructions for this essay, I am unable to determine the actual objective of your essay. That said, I hope that you can find the time to supply us with the instructions or prompt for your essay so that we can better review your work.

A word of advice though. When you are writing an academic paper, which this essay is, you must refrain from writing in all caps. That is considered an insult to the reviewer and it received on the readers end as you shouting at the person. I understand that you are trying to emphasize the pledge of allegiance to your country but that is not the proper way to do it. You must write it instead as a quotation within the paragraph, in Italics if need be to draw attention and emphasis to your words. Do not use all caps and do not use bold letters to emphasize either. Simple quotation marks and italics will be more respectful towards the reader.

I will withhold the rest of my comments until I learn what you are trying to establish with this essay. Once I know what your instructions or requirements are, I will be able to better assess your essay and provide you with more relevant comments. Keep in mind though, my advice about the all caps is something that will not change. You must revise that portion to meet the academic standards of essay writing.

Writing Feedback / To be an athlete is the dream for many - the famous sporty stars usually have an impressive income [3]

Arlen, your task accuracy, which is related to the paraphrasing of the prompt scores a 3. You presented most of the prompt points but failed to give an accurate summary or paraphrasing of the instructions within your opening statement. That's too bad because the mistake was ever so slight but ended up changing the meaning of the prompt so your score suffered for it. However, you were still able to properly discuss the correct prompt within your essay.

Now for your cohesion and coherence, your presentation is clear enough to show that you are capable of analyzing the proper discussion progression for this essay. So I believe that you can get a decent 6 even though there are problems with the cohesion in your sentences and also terminology use is often faulty within your paragraphs.

As for the lexical resource, it has got to be another 6. You are trying to use complicated vocabulary to show off your English language skills but your lack of familiarity with the meaning of the words poses a problem for you. An example of this would be when you use the term "courage" when what you really wanted to say was "encourage". Courage is is the ability to do something even though it frightens you. Encourage means that one wishes to support, give confidence, or hope to a person. Which is what you wanted to say in the sentence.

Grammar range and accuracy is definitely affected by your problems in lexical resource. I will give you a score of 5 in this instance because the difficulty in trying to understand what you want to say could cause some problems for the readers. When the reader has to constantly, silently correct your grammar as he reads your work means that reading your paper causes undue stress and difficulty. That is what caused the low score for you.

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

Hi Alireza, don't worry, I know it can be hard to develop these statements but you are on the right track with your content. What you are being asked to write is a combination personal statement and statement of purpose. Which is why it will tend to run long. However, you ran over by 16 words. Which could pose a problem. It is normally easier to edit complete sentences or paragraphs in order to bring down the word count. The only part that I am sure you can delete will be the ending of the essay that says "Best regards,".

For the actual paper, I will suggest that you don't discuss that you changed majors while a college student. That is irrelevant because the course that you actually majored in is what concerns the reviewer. The fact that you changed majors really doesn't matter. It would help the reviewer if you could remind him of what major you actually graduated from though and how it relates to your current interest in masters studies. Don't forget to develop an actual thesis statement or question aside from the description that you have in the essay. The actual question is an important consideration for the reviewer as he considers your application. Make sure it is a stand out question that will be memorable to him.

For more of my suggestions, you can refer to my previous response to your thread. You don't really have too much to revise or worry about. The work you did is more than acceptable for submission. The tweaks are just meant to help you improve the presentation and highlight the content by only offering the relevant information for your application. Let me know if you have any problems with it. I'll be glad to help.

By the way, the edit will help to bring down your word count to even lower than 500 words. You will most likely clock in at 400 words or a little more but definitely less than 500 words.

Graduate / Duke twenty five facts about me - required Essay in the application to MQM program at Fuqua [2]

Kate, I have to say, the information that the applicants are presenting to Duke are starting to become uniform. There is so much similarity in the way that you have written this paper with the others that I have recently reviewed that the content could be mistaken as having been simply paraphrased. In order to avoid uniformity of content with the other applicants. Let's try to vary your information I'll list the points that you should replace because it is too similar to the others and you can try to think of something to replace it with. In other instances, I will advise you to change or improve the content for a specific reason. I'll be going by number for your convenience.

1. Since the reader is not familiar with the Chinese calligraphy characters, you should try to present something more interesting about your birth. Maybe you have a birthmark or something that the others feel is makes you special. Or maybe you were born on a Chinese holiday. Try to find something that the reviewer can better relate to.

2. Everyone so far has spoken of where they came from. There is nothing special about what you are saying about yourself in that statement so find something else to talk about.

7. Gary Becker has already been mentioned by other applicants. Isn't there someone else who could have inspired you to pursue this line of education? You can't have all been inspired by the same person. This information could form reader fatigue and it won't mean anything to the reviewer anymore because of the constant mention of this person by the different applicants.

8. What you state is mostly an opinion instead of trivia about your personality. Try to remain light and don't focus on academics or a profession in your trivia list.

21. Can you explain why you are keeping a log of your reviews of the movies? It doesn't make any sense to the reader but sounds like it has the potential to show a fun side of you so you should develop it some more.

23. I'm not sure why having hot pot during the coldest day of the year counts as interesting trivia for you. Can you explain why it is remarkable? If not, replace the trivia.

25. Not everyone in the West believes in astrology so indicating your astrological sign may fall upon deaf ears and not really count as interesting trivia about you. After all, not everyone has to be a Sagittarius to have the character traits you indicate. One can simply have been born that way.

Please address these concerns first. Once the content is final, I can help you with a better presentation for each trivia in the list, that includes grammar improvement.

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

Alireza, I need you clarify the kind of essay that you are writing for your application. Are you being asked to write a personal statement, statement of motivation, or statement of purpose for your essay? Your essay has a little of each represented within the work so I would like to make sure that we can properly focus the information presentation towards the correct essay requirement. In general though, there are a number of things that I would like to call your attention to within your essay.

First is the format, please make sure the format the essay into paragraph topics in order to lessen the stress on the reader's eyes. Right now, the essay seems to be very long and just goes on and on and on within the page. There need to be page breaks in order to allow the reader a pause to understand the content of your paragraph. Without it, the reading tends to get confusing.

Second, you don't really need to present your grade point average in the essay. That is something that the reviewer would rather base on your transcript of records. The transcript is considered a more accurate rating of your academic abilities than your written explanation of your grades.

As for your thesis project, it is an interesting topic that I believe could be very well received by your thesis adviser in the future. We just need to make sure that the overall essay contains the correct information for the type and purpose of the essay that you are writing. I hope you can tell us which type of essay you are writing soon so that we can further fine tune the content of your essay to better serve the purpose you wrote it for.

Writing Feedback / The contemporary society have witnessed significant breakthrough of advertisement industry [6]

ERWS, you are supposed to be writing a singular opinion paper based upon the prompt requirements. You were to choose one side of the discussion to side with and defend. By writing about 2 opinions, you end up writing counter to the instructions of the prompt. There is no clear representation of your opinion in the opening statement which could have been the solid foundation of the succeeding prompt discussions. Due to these problems with your opening statement, you task accuracy would have a band level of 3. There is a clear misunderstanding of the prompt and its requirements. As such, you ended up depicting the wrong paraphrasing of the prompt and also failed to accurately discuss the requirements of the discussion. That is why I hesitate to rate the rest of your essay in terms of coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, and grammar accuracy. None of the succeeding brackets would have properly represented the discussion you were required to render an opinion of. Therefore, you would get an overall failing mark for this essay, I would like to give you an opportunity to revise the content to become more prompt adherent instead of failing you in all the brackets. Please try to develop a new essay based on the same prompt. This time, using only one opinion throughout the essay.

Writing Feedback / Reading has become less significant to Americans. [7]

Kaur, when you write an opinion essay, you must always make sure that the opening paragraph of your work signifies or relates your opinion on the matter and then outlines the discussion topics that you will be presenting for the reviewer to take note of. What you are agreeing to in the essay however is not the same as the topic being presented in the prompt.

The prompt is asking you to either agree or disagree with the theory that people in the U.S. pay less attention to the written word because they place more attention on sight and sound as the source of their information. You on the other hand are agreeing that the method of reading has changed but the number of readers has not decreased. The prompt is asking you to discuss the source of information while you decided to discuss the number of people who read instead. That is where the misunderstanding of the prompt lies for you.

Do you see how you would score a 1 in the Task accuracy portion because you failed to understand the prompt requirement and thus, discussed the wrong topic in relation to the prompt? There is a clear discrepancy between the two so you have to write a new essay that will better sum up the prompt question and present a better discussion more related to the prompt requirements.

Graduate / SOP Review for Grad School application. Mechnical Engineer applying for MS Computer Science at NYU [6]

Kiran, I believe that there are 2 elements missing from your essay which would have made it much more impressive than it already is and also, shed light on the potential research that you could undertake in the future. These are parts that need to be further developed as they represent an important piece of your experience, knowledge, and potential as an MS student.

The first part, has to do with the AI project that you developed and added light dependent resistors to add vision power to it. What was the result of that project? Where you successful in developing that part of the robot? If you failed, would you be open to doing more research in that field as an MS candidate in order to better secure your future as a researcher scientist / creator?

As for the second part, I would like you to consider the all too important research presentation for your SOP. Part of the purpose of your application is to prove that you have a logical career path based upon your research interest. You should be able to at the very least, present an overview of the potential thesis project that you can pursue as a student at NYU. The presentation will prove that you have given great thought to your future career and that you have familiarized yourself with the work that NYU does in this field. Hence your interest in pursuing your higher level studies at this particular university.

Finally, rather than rattling off all of the classes that you took in college and explaining its relevance to your learning, you should consider just presenting the courses relevant to your future thesis topic. That way you can prove that you have a solid foundation for your line of study and have the potential to succeed as a masters degree student with a completed thesis from NYU.

Graduate / I am looking for admission in MS in Financial Mathematics. Evaluate my SOP. [9]

Rageeni, in the research interest portion, you should really make the realization of the topic based more on something that you came to realize on your own , based on an observation of the stock market. The focus of that portion is too much on the best friend of your brother and the results of his investment. It removes the focus of the research from you as a potential researcher and the actual basis of your research. Speak instead of your observations in the stock market and how this spurred you to questions certain things, thus leading you to this research.

With regards to the introduction, it doesn't really tell me what direction you wish to take your career in and why. I am instead, receiving a lecture regarding mathematics and scientific problem modelling. That is useless to me as a reviewer. I already know that. What I want to know is why you think you have to master financial mathematics and how this can help your career in the future.

Your essay doesn't really explain the potential career growth that you look forward to following over the immediate and short term. So, the reviewer will not have a very good reason to consider you a potential good candidate who will be able to complete the course. You have to prove that there is a relevance in relation to your career with regards to your masters degree studies. That is the main core of the statement of purpose and that is what is lacking in this work.

Letters / He has always been consistent and punctual in classes. LoR on behalf of Mathematics teacher. [11]

Pallaw, does the letter of recommendation instruction really require that you submit 3 letters? If the answer is yes, then you have to pick 3 different subjects or active participation mentors to write this letter for. That is the best way to get around the redundancy of your letter writing. Make sure that each teacher reflects upon a different skill set that you displayed during your time with them.

Take for instance this current letter that you wrote. This is from your Math teacher. So he can discuss your academic abilities such as your learning curve and quickness in learning. Now, for your next teacher, perhaps you have an experience working as a teacher's assistant? In that role, the teacher writing the recommendation can discuss how you work with a team and have the ability to inspire your comrades to work together in solving project difficulties. Finally, the third teacher can be your research mentor. This teacher can focus on your ability to work with minimal supervision and highlight your research ability skills as well as patience in solving problems that seem to not have any solutions immediately in sight.

If you can have each teacher focus on a different aspect of your abilities, you will have a better chance of developing a strong sense of character based upon your abilities for the recommendation. Try to write three different letters based upon my suggestion and see if it works for you. I can help you edit it in order to make it more relevant to your application when need be.

Writing Feedback / We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology [3]

Utsav, you did really well in the opening statement portion of your essay. You were able to successfully paraphrase your prompt and present a cohesive foundation for your succeeding discussion. The problem, is that you tried to over extend your discussion. You were pretty much on track with the discussion up till the the end of the 3rd paragraph. Then you began to change the direction of your discussion in a manner running alter to the prompt requirements in paragraph 4. Due to the alteration in direction, your task accuracy fell from a possible 7 to a 5. The rest of your discussion suddenly related to cyber security, which is not exactly relevant to the prompt requirements and expected response. So the overall essay score would fall within the 5 range because of the accidental change of topic discussion in your essay. Remember, it is better to present a short essay that is within the minimum word requirement than it is to keep on talking just because you want to use more words which unintentionally changes the discussion focus of your essay. Keeping your essay short will not hurt you. Just make sure you always express yourself in at least 250 words.

Writing Feedback / It is often claimed that males and females have got different type of abilities and shortcomings. [3]

Abror, is this a topic that you chose by yourself to discuss? Or was this a topic assigned for discussion in class? The prompt doesn't seem complete to me. There seem to be some missing elements in the instructions that I can see reflected in your response. Would it be too much of a bother for you to post the complete prompt? That is if the instructions were given in class and is not something that you just chose to discuss. Your task accuracy score will depend upon it.

In the general review of your essay though, I would have to say that you did a pretty good job of defending your stance. However, you should try to always do your comparison of the skills of men and women in the same field. Take for example, your discussion about gender roles in the military. Both the men and women already fight on the front lines of the battle field. Therefore, it is wrong for you to say that men work better in the battlefield and the women work better in the background. You need to increase your knowledge of world events and gender discussions in order to better and more accurately develop your gender discussions. Use of no longer applicable information, such as the case of the military example could have an adverse effect on your score as well.

Essays / How to compensate zero research work on SOP? [2]

Pallaw, it is not important for you to mention your exam scores in your SOP. The focal point of your purpose should relate to your possible future employment, previous college education (in relation to your MS studies), and any sort of work related exposure that you had in the field (internships and assistant positions apply). All of these information should culminate in your desire for higher studies in order to perform a higher level of work in a more intricate capacity that requires you to have a master in the academic and practical application of your job.

While you would be better benefited in your application by having some sort of published work, it is not a requirement in an MS SOP unless otherwise specified. If it specified in your application prompt, then you should make mention that you have done relevant research which you hope to get published in the future. There is no need to make mention of the problems that you have which are preventing its publication. All you have to make clear is that it is a work in progress and should be published soon. Discuss the content of the research and the current status of the paper in terms of possible publication. It should not be too much of a problem for you to resolve in your SOP.

When you finish writing your SOP, post it here, in a new thread so that we can help you review it and improve the presentation of the missing research paper in a way that can benefit your application. We will be very happy to help you out.

Research Papers / Fire Prevention Laws, how far is too far? [3]

Hi Daniel, I see a number of problems with your research paper. The first is that the paper is using the first person perspective in writing. Normally, a research paper requires the author to be detached from the presentation of the discussion so the second or third person perspective is used most of the time. Second, in order to deliver a truly authoritative paper, you must never use Wikipedia as a primary source of information. That is because Wikipedia information is open to public editing and is therefore not considered by teachers and professors as academic in content. Third, There is no clear thesis statement being addressed in the opening statement of your essay.

In your opening statement, you simply say talk about how your interest in fire prevention developed. It is only 2 sentences long. In a proper research paper, your opening statement should be at least 5 sentences long. Towards the end of the paragraph, you have to present the actual topic that you will be discussing in the essay. So if it is about fire prevention laws, what about it do you think goes too far? When you state the basis of your discussion, you can begin to present your evidence based upon accurate and academic research in the rest of the essay paragraphs. Include the logical and chronological order of discussion that will be seen in your research paper to serve as a guide for your reader. Your concluding paragraph should then wrap up the presentation of the evidence and either support your opinion or ask the reader to consider the evidence in order to come to a personal decision.

Another word of caution, Snoopy is a comic strip written by Charles Schulz. Snoopy is the dog in the comics who thinks he is an author. He is not a published author and he is not a real person. He is a comic strip dog. Do not use that reference in your essay. When writing research, you must make double checking your sources for acceptability and integrity before making the reference or information a part of your essay.

Graduate / I am looking for admission in MS in Financial Mathematics. Evaluate my SOP. [9]

Yes Rageeni, we also evaluate, edit, and revise letters of recommendation at this forum. Just make sure that you start a new thread for your letter evaluation in the letter section of this forum. If you do not place it in the right thread, the admin will have to move it to the correct section. If they do that, you might lose track of your letter and be unable to keep track of its new and current location along with the advice given to you.

I suggest that you review our letter section for ideas regarding how to write a successful letter of recommendation. There may be some ideas that you can use in the development of your letter of recommendation. I am looking forward to reading your letter in the near future. I hope to continue working with you on that paper as well. Best of luck with your application and remember, we are here to help you anytime.

Undergraduate / Doing something for the first time can be extremely intimidating... Describe an unfamiliar situation [4]

Yujie, there is something that you need to understand about these types of essays. The narration cannot be this short and it has to have a more life changing effect upon your personality. When the reviewer reads about an unfamiliar situation, it should be something that challenged you in an intellectual manner. The story that you told focuses more on a sport strategy that does not relate directly to something that you can use in actual life. If you notice, your final statement was even shorter and more focused on your progress in the sport. Which is not the way the this essay should be focused.

You should have posted the complete prompt at the top of your essay so that we could have a clearer idea as to what the prompt specifications are. There may be some parts of your essay that could still be used in the adjusted response or, you might need to write a totally new essay altogether. It all depends upon how the prompt wishes you to discuss the unfamiliar situation. Kindly post the prompt as soon as possible so that I can offer you better guidance regarding the content and format. The one thing that is sure is this, this essay cannot be used in its current form. It will require a number of changes before it becomes ready to submit with your application.

Writing Feedback / Learning foreign languages at childhood will maximize language skills in the future [4]

Rouggal, you can't just agree with an opinion in the essay when you are clearly being asked to present your own opinion and defend it alongside the two points of view that you have to discuss. So, you should have 3 paragraphs in this essay body that should represent 3 things: the pro, the con, and your opinion. You represent 2 out of 3 at this point. That explains why your paragraphs are short by one. You did not properly represent and discuss your opinion in support of one of the two sides you are expected to present within the discussion. It seems that you decided to present your opinion as the conclusion to the essay. You cannot do that. You are not allowed to present a new discussion within the conclusion as a closing statement. That is because the recap of the essay discussion is expected to be placed in the concluding paragraph. Needless to say, your essay has plenty of room for improvement in terms of task accuracy, coherence and cohesion, as well as the lexical resource and grammar accuracy. In fairness to you, I won't score your essay using the criteria previously mentioned so that you will have a chance to revise your essay to better be prompt adherent.

Writing Feedback / IELTS T2: Is prison the best punishment for criminals? [3]

Mohammed, please review your summary overview. It is going to get a failing mark in an actual test because of the extreme shortness of your summary. The standard overview is composed of 3 sentences at a minimum. You have only one sentence, which is definitely in violation of the rules. The highest score you can get in terms of task accuracy would most likely be a 4. Keep in mind that you have to paraphrase the original prompt and as such, you have the opportunity to express the prompt in an original manner, within the minimum sentence requirement. Don't waste your chance to get a high score in the first part of the test. Make sure you deliver on the paraphrased prompt requirement.

In relation to that, you have also presented the same problem with your conclusion. There is no proper paragraph development. Instead, you have a single sentence that does not properly recap the essay prompt, your discussion, and closing statement. While you have the possibility of scoring a 5 in the remaining sections of the test, the problem with your opening statement and closing statement is enough to pull down your final score.

Review the other essays here and look at how it was developed. Don't take shortcuts. Be as thorough as you can in the opening and closing statement because any mistakes in those areas will have a grave effect on your final score.

Scholarship / What made Michael Michael. Being highly devoted to education to positively influence the world. [4]

Hi Michael, let's get started on fixing your essay. I will suggest that you change the format of the narrative for your essay. Mostly because we need to avoid any references to age so that the reviewer will have a better chance of considering your reasons more seriously than it just being the complaints of a naive child. So, there are two things we have to do in this essay.

For the first presentation, I would like you to change the setting instead of being a complaining ten year old child, Make it so that the walk to school is being done by two persons, you and your father in the recent past. This time, you are not complaining but you are asking serious questions. I think it should sound something similar to this:

As my father and I walked to my high school on that cold and rainy day, I could not help but feel a sense of deprivation as the others on the street passed us in their private cars or public transport. "Dad, why can't we buy a car?" His response, "We can't afford it. Now hurry up you will be late to school and I will be late for work." A few blocks more down the road and I decided to ask him another question, since he seemed to be in the mood to talk to me that morning. Most likely because walking while talking kept us warmer. "Why don't we take the bus instead?" I know, it was a naive question to ask, but I figured it was worth a shot. I really wanted to get out of the foggy street and into a warmer place. "Michael, your education is expensive. We want you to be able to go to school so you can have a good life in the future. We walk so that we can have food on the table, clothes to wear, and simple joys in life while you study. Now stop asking silly questions." He explained to me. I wondered why schooling was so important when I felt like I was being punished everyday I went to school. It was not until later on that I learned the true value of an education in the manner that my father hoped I would understand.

After that, you just go immediately to the narrative about almost being robbed. To connect the two events you can some something along the lines of:

It was only a few months later when I had an epiphany about what my father had told me about education being important to my life. I was walking home from a late night group study when someone grabbed me from the back...

Use the rest of the paragraph from that point on. It'll work really well with the revised introduction and transition paragraph. Add a reference to you remembering what your father told you about having a good education to have a better life. Place that thought after the person tells you that his life was caused by him not going to college. That makes the personal realization and words of your father more marked in the essay.

You can use my suggested approach to the essay or, you can develop a new one for yourself that will better reflect the lesson you learned from the incidents in your life. Please remember that you should not refer to any age in the prompt so that the story will seem to be up to date and current. Try to make it seem like it happened to you not so long ago. That way the reviewer will be more receptive towards your presentation.

Writing Feedback / In the present time, big towns become the predominant living places chosen by many ambitious people [2]

Nda, you will immediately have failed in the task accuracy portion of this essay. The reason behind the failed score is because you misrepresented the summary of the prompt that you were provided with. Nowhere in the prompt was there a referral specifically to education with regards to living in big cities. Therefore, you have changed the topic for discussion of the essay, which would result in an overall failure to discuss the prompt.

Notice that you refer constantly to the benefits and drawbacks of education in the big city. Why did you do that? You were being asked to discuss the varying opinions based upon the "general" discussion of living in the city. When I say that the discussion is "general", I mean that you should have presented a discussion that does not focus on a particular topic. Instead, it offers non-specific information which is still relevant to the discussion. It should not be influencing the reader to develop an opinion about a specific topic. That is why you failed in the discussion. You created a specific topic for discussion in the prompt rather allowing the reader to consider all factors related to the discussion sans a particular focus. An example of a general discussion would relate to the urban lifestyle in the city as opposed to the laid back or countryside lifestyle of non-urban dwellers. That is general enough in terms of discussion to pass the essay requirement.

I would like to suggest that you create a general discussion of the prompt and have us review a prompt adherent response instead. If I were to review this essay based on the scoring bracket, you will definitely get major failing scores based upon the lack of prompt adherence.

Undergraduate / Describe your best experience working as a leader or working in a group or team (SHAD Valley 2017) [3]

Alex, focus more on the activity as it relates to the prompt question rather than offering up a long backstory about the homeless in your country. While it makes for good information, it is not really relevant to the way that you became a leader or the experience that you had leading the team. The reviewer doesn't have the time to wade through unnecessary information, which is why you have such a limited character count for the essay. The removal of the references to the figures behind being homeless will help to not only bring down the character count further, but it will also ensure the instant focus on your response in the eyes of the reviewer.

The proper introduction for your response should have been as simple as this:

Canada has a homeless person problem. It is a problem that came to my attention recently and resulted in my volunteering at the local Loving Spoonful charity organization in my community. As one of the luckier and more affluent members of the community, I felt that it was my chance to help those who were not as fortunate as my family and I. Unknown to me, it would also become the best chance for me to begin to develop my leadership skills.

Then you can move on to the second paragraph and the explanation of how you developed those skills so that this working experience became the best that you ever had. Feel free to use the introduction I developed if you want to. Otherwise, I think it will make a good reference for your revised opening statement. Either way is fine with me.

Undergraduate / College application essay on how I will help enrich their community! [4]

Hi Breanna, I won't bash your essay. No essay ever requires bashing. However, I will advise you regarding how to further improve it. Now, that may require the removal of some aspects of the original work that you feel are valuable but in the end, prove to be not so essential to the requirements of the essay.

As you have said, the nursing program of the university is one of the most aspects that drew you to seek admission to the university. However, your essay stopped right there. With the mention of the nursing program. That is something that needs to be given a follow up explanation. The overall theme of the essay doesn't limit you to your choice of majors. It asks you to discuss the well rounded educational and social aspects of your choice of school. What other factors aside from the nursing program drew your interest? Is it possible for you to expand upon it?

It seems that you had the opportunity to visit the campus itself right? So build upon that experience. Explain why the student community felt welcoming and almost like home to you. Consider the social atmosphere as well as the academic circle that you were thrown into. What made the experience special? Those are some major reasons for you to be drawn to this university. So make sure that you do not hold back in presenting that information.

Don't say that you heard nice things about the nursing program. That is hearsay and will not exactly impress the reviewer as it would seem like you are basing your application solely on the opinion of others. Instead, be more specific. Talk about the courses or training opportunities that the nursing program offers which you feel merges greatly with your own interests or purposes for wishing to become a nurse. All of these statements will allow you to better present the reasons as to why you are interested in enrolling in this university in particular.

The story about the accident shows an interest in healing people but necessarily the method by which you can help to enrich the student community. Try to reflect more about your advocacy in life. What social and civic interests do you have which you can share with the campus dwellers? Do you have any volunteer activities at the moment or social obligations that you feel can carry over successfully into your campus enhancement and participation activities? If you answered yes to any of these questions then make sure to represent it in your essay.

I am not sure if you have a word requirement for this response. Since you will be allowed to use this essay for other parts of your application though, I think you can make the essay as long, but informative, as necessary in order to properly build up its usefulness factor in terms of the other possible application

Undergraduate / Education is the first step in my life as an adult - Common app essay [4]

Fantastic ! Victoria, you have really come through with this essay. The idea behind how you transformed into an adult because you had to take on more responsibility for yourself and your family is exactly the personal epiphany that this essay needed to become better and more relevant to the prompt. So, we have the response problem out of the way. Good work on that part. However, we now have a new problem facing your essay with regards to the format.

As you can probably see, your essay is currently squished on the page. There are no paragraphs so there are no topic separators existing which would have made it easier to read your essay. You can still place those topic dividers into the essay. All you have to do is read your written work so you can find the parts that need to be separated. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence so find that topic sentence and use that to start your new paragraphs. Don't forget to press the enter key to create that all too important space between the paragraphs. That is the visual topic divider that will help the reviewer concentrate and focus more on the message of your essay.

I also want you to double check your essay for wrong spelling or mistakenly used words. For example you used the term "off" when the correct spelling and word use should have been "of". Those are just minimal errors that are actually negligible because the language you used in the essay is still clear, understandable, and inspiring. The reviewer will be able to overlook the slight grammar errors in lieu of the overall content of the essay. However, you should still strive to present a grammatically correct paper as much as possible.

Graduate / This program attracts me by its emphasis on the creation - Bioinformatics SoP for PhD [2]

Xie, I am assuming that you already have more than 5 years of work experience. At the very least, a PhD student should have between 8-10 years professional experience either with on the job activities or related research work. I don't see Any reference to your post masters degree activities. Your statement of purpose should be reflective of your masters degree education, the way that you used that education in your line of work or research, and where you at at this current point in your career.

The PhD studies need to explain the next step of your career progression. That means that your studies should help you complete your current research or begin more advanced research in the field of bioinformatics. Your high school and college interests and education are irrelevant at this point. What the reviewer needs to learn from you is what you expect to learn about in post graduate school. Such information relates to your career progression and varying interests in the field. The presentation of these information will serve as the basis for your interest, desire, and need to complete your post graduate studies.

More to the point, delete the reference to the TOEFL test. It takes a whole paragraph in your essay without having any clear relation to your PhD quest. Yes, this exam is required for students applying to universities in America, but it does not relate to the necessary academic information you should be presenting in terms of your statement of purpose. Taking the TOEFL and passing is is not part of the purpose of your studies, but it is required by the university to prove your English language abilities. It is not important with regards to your academic accomplishments post masters degree studies.

You will need to revise the content of your essay. Shed light on the following topics only:

Your current career status
Your masters degree education (school, date of completion, name of course)
Your thesis paper presentation
Your reason for post graduate studies
Your possible dissertation project / paper
Why you believe this university can help you to complete your higher education objectives.
A reference to your short term career goals immediately upon graduation and a long term career plan related to your ideal career progression.

These are the only necessary information that should be included in this post graduate statement of purpose.

Graduate / Your plan to be engaged outside of the classroom - DUKE MMS program essay question [8]

Hi Rolland, I know that you really want to keep the quotation in your essay. It really is a nice one and delivers a good message. We just need to position it properly in the essay in order to make it more effective. Now, as you know, the quotes are often used as the hook with which you reel the reviewer into reading your essay. However, your earlier essay parts do not really need the quote. It is effective in its current form. In order to use the quote properly, I guess we can place it at the start of the concluding paragraph. By placing it at the start of the paragraph that currently starts with "If the admission office..." Here is my plan.

Place the quotation at the start of the aforementioned paragraph. It will be in the most effective position in your essay at that point. Then delete the reference to the admissions office and just go directly to the statement indicating "I'd like to deliver ..." The essay will close with the prompt that you wish to keep and also, reflect a stronger sentiment regarding how you will conduct yourself outside of the classroom at Duke. Let me know if the new format works for you.

Undergraduate / Education is the first step in my life as an adult - Common app essay [4]

Victoria, I know that you only want comments that will tell you how to hook the reviewer into reading the essay. However, I feel that you are not on the right track with your essay presentation because it doesn't really provide the correct information for the reviewer. You are coming across through a majority of the paper as nothing more than a spoiled and bratty child who could not adjust to the fact that your sister left your family abode. You don't need to change the slant of your paper, you just need to adjust the content to make it more of a coming of age story. Right now, its coming across more like you just wanting to throw a temper tantrum because your sister wasn't paying attention to you.

Rather than this presentation, I suggest that you consider reversing the events. Open with the story of how you have become a more responsible adult because when your sister left, you were forced to take more responsibility for yourself. Explain the details of how your sister took care of you and influenced you positively. Then go into a presentation as to how her leaving found you losing your way. Then talk about how you found your way back because you had the chance to visit her and realize how much both of you had changed and how you did not need her guidance so much in your life anymore.

Be an adult in your presentation. Don't be so morose. Being emo in these essays are acceptable, provided you know how to express yourself in a more professional manner. That is all I am suggesting here. I hope you consider my suggestions. Your essay is good, it is the presentation that needs to be adjusted.

Scholarship / Personal Statement postulation to master; Applying to MSc Fixed and Removable Prosthodontics [4]

Paulina, the essay is good. However, it can still be better provided we can make some successful adjustments to the content. I think that there is only one more part of the essay that needs to be edited for content in order to make it more personal and less academic in the nature of response development. You have to remove the portion of your second paragraph that describes the university you have chosen to attend your classes in. While you can mention the university and the year that you hope to attend, you should not waste your word count nor steal the attention of the reviewer away from your personal intentions for enrolling. So the sentences that refer to the ranking of the university, along with the reasons why the university is renowned world wide is not a necessary part of this response essay.

Once you omit the mention of the university, you can focus more on the facts and figures about dental care in your country that has led you to pursue higher education in an effort to improve the dental situation of your countrymen. This is too important in a personal statement. Strive to always keep the focus of the statement on you. If you can present any university related information in a personal manner, then go ahead and do so. Mention some dentistry programs that you feel can better train you as a dental practitioner. Don't waste the reviewers time presenting information about the university that is so generic, it could have come off a simple Google search.

Undergraduate / Being biracial is like fighting a war within yourself - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [12]

Happy belated Thanksgiving to you to and yes, I do celebrate Thanksgiving. I really like the way your essay has tightened up to represent you in the best possible manner. 615 words and over by 15? How would you feel if I told you that we could lessen the essay by abut 22 words instead of only 15? Yep, I did find another portion that we can totally remove without affecting the overall presentation and message of your essay. It is located in the 3rd paragraph.

The opening sentence of the third paragraph is really not all that important to your presentation. Since we already established in the earlier paragraphs that you were ostracized, belittled, and served as a wonderment to those around you, there is no need to keep repeating it in your essay. The fact that you are saying your father was absent from your life already drives that point home. So that 22 word sentence currently acts a redundancy and can be omitted from the final form of your essay.

Again, just remove the sentence that I am referring to. To be specific, it is the part that starts off with "What made this..." and ends with "most ostracized for. " That simple edit will result in the most effective form of your statement and will have it ready for submission whenever you are ready to do it.

Undergraduate / 'all the hard work made will be worth it' - UPenn's Writing Supplement [6]

Hi Charisma, thanks for being so receptive to my suggestions. I have a few more for you to consider while you are redrafting your essay. Since you told me about your major and possible minor interests, you should look into representing the extra curricular and academic activities that you can participate in at UPenn that will help you enjoy the learning process both intellectually and academically. For example. there might be an Economics club that has after school activities, mention that.

Explain why joining activities relating to your minor interest will also help you better utilize the facilities that UPenn offers its students. While you should concentrate on your major in the presentation, your minor interests offer you a chance to experience a different kind of intellectual and academic growth at the university. Will you be declaring a minor upon enrollment? If you are, then all the more reason that you should include your minor in the exploration of your intellectual and academic interests at UPenn.

Make sure that you prove that you have explored all of the intellectual and academic after school activities that the university offers. The interest in the after school programs and its relation to your intellectual and academic development must be clear to the reviewer because he wants to know that you are truly familiar with the student life and expectations that UPenn has of its students.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-W-2: people work in more than one job, and often change career several times during their life [3]

Hi Syeda, I see that you have already been scored for this essay so I will not bother to rate this essay again. Instead, I will focus on the problem points and offer a few suggestions that I hope, can assist you in further improving your writing task 2 skills. It saddens me that this essay did not develop as well as your previous task 1 summary. Since they are two different essay styles though, I will not fault you for the failure of this essay over the other one.

Let's start with the summary overview of this essay. I agree that it was confusing and ended up deviating from the prompt response. When you write your summary, you need to learn how to pick out keywords that will help you in developing your summary statement / introduction. Let me show you an example of this using the previous prompt. The keywords here are as follows:

people work in more than one job
change career several times
advantages and disadvantages

So your summary overview for this essay should have gone something like this:

In today's modern world, it is not uncommon for a person to have more than one job. The type of job that he has over time can also change because of certain factors. Just like in everything in life, the need for multiple jobs and career changes offer specific advantages and disadvantages over time for the professional worker. This essay will reflect upon the advantages and disadvantages of working several jobs and the advantages and disadvantages of constantly changing careers.

Note that the keywords are represented in the essay and, because I presented it in a different manner, allowed me to better develop the discussion slant for the essay.

In the second paragraph, you were really well on your way to an accurate presentation of your opinion up until the part where you mentioned being financially and mentally sound in the future. Here is a tip for you. Present only one subject topic in your paragraph. Once you mention a topic for discussion in the first sentence, do not ruin the discussion by presenting a second reason at the end that you cannot fully discuss. One fully developed discussion will get a higher rating than two under developed reasons. Remember that. This is a problem that plagued your essay and could have been easily avoided if you did not over-reach in your topic discussions.

By the way, when it comes to your lexical resource, I noticed that you tried to use complicated words in your essay without really knowing the meaning or relevance (if any) of the words that you chose to use in your essay. While using complicated and complex vocabulary can increase your score, if you show an ignorance of the word meaning and usage, then you will have defeated the purpose of using complicated vocabulary. It is better to use simple words that you are familiar with the meaning of in relation to your discussion. That is because getting an adequate score using simple vocabulary will result in your passing the test. Keeping it simple will not hurt you. Making it complicated without considering whether your vocabulary applies to the discussion or not will result in your final lexical resource score hurting your final score.

Graduate / Your plan to be engaged outside of the classroom - DUKE MMS program essay question [8]

Hi Rolland, the essay really developed well. There are just 2 things that you need to delete from the essay in this revised form in order to create the final format and content for your response. These 2 parts are the quotation at the end and the reference to Durham in the 4th paragraph.

Normally, a quote is placed at the start of the essay in order to help explain the slant of discussion that the essay is going to take. In the case of your response, you placed it at the very end where the quotation no longer serves a purpose. There is no additional explanation that could relate the quote to the previous parts of the essay. So the existence of the quotation doesn't make sense in the overall meaning of the essay.

As for the 4th paragraph, the reason that it should not be there is really simple. It is not effective in explaining how you would use your previous experience to improve your Duke experience. It is just a filler paragraph that doesn't even relate to the prompt discussion. Removing it in totality will not negatively affect the essay.

I tried removing the suggested portions myself in MS Word and then I reviewed your essay again. It appeared to be much stronger in content and explanation with the omission of the aforementioned sections. So I am highly confident that your essay will benefit from the removal of those parts and the further lessening of your word count. The shorter and more direct to the point your essay is, the better chances it will have for consideration by the reviewer. I hope you consider my suggestions for the further improvement and benefit of your essay response.

Scholarship / Personal Statement postulation to master; Applying to MSc Fixed and Removable Prosthodontics [4]

Paulina, you accidentally lengthened your personal statement by including information that actually needs to be located in your statement of purpose instead. So all you have to do to make the statement more of a personal statement than a statement of purpose is remove paragraphs 2, 3, and the beginning sentences of paragraph 4. . These are the information that deals with your work experience, research work, and academic training to a certain degree. All of those information should be provided in your statement of purpose as part of the chronological development of your career.

In actuality, your essay, using paragraph 1 and adding the part of paragraph 4 that deals with "My desire to study..." shall be more than an adequate response to the information required in a personal statement. In a personal statement, you just have to declare your inspiration for higher study on a personal platform. So combining the encouraging words of your parents plus the opportunity to study your MS thanks to government support are more than enough reasons to deliver the personal interest on your part in pursuing higher studies.

You don't have to write a new essay. You just have to edit and revise what you have now. You don't even have to add additional information if you don't have any related and relevant information to add. The essay response will work to your benefit in the new format I am suggesting.

Graduate / The "Team Fuqua" spirit - my 25 Random Things for Duke MMS program. [2]

Yi, you are sharing some pretty important facts here. However, the bad grammar and overly long sentences need to be dealt with in a professional manner. I'll just revise the necessary numbers for you if you don't mind. I'll number them so that you can keep track of what to change in your original work.

1. I was born in Ruijin, where the Long March began.
2. I have been a proud practitioner of Calligraphy since I was a child.
3. I enjoy swimming but only learned to float when learned to lift my head in the water one I pressed down my arm in the water.

9. ... in an overly crowded metro where I could not move so I started to calculate ...
10. My interest in Economics was spurred by Gary Becker, the pioneer of using economic...
11. ...but once you dive immerse yourself into it and ... finally , you'll definitely...
12. ... distinguishes lists their distinctions.
13. ... but I keep am persistent ...
14. ... my study studies in the UK, ...inaccessible for to an exchange student... opened... no precedents like for this.
16. ... in the UK, by travelling around European countries, living and communicating with people of different backgrounds, I experienced diverse cultures and acquired many new perspectives.

17. ...regarding to human resource...
22. I have always been the team travel planner ...

I would like you to reconsider number 19 in your list. It doesn't seem to deliver a complete line of action, realization, or benefit. The sentence seems incomplete. If you can't add to the information to make it more interesting and show something about yourself, I suggest that you find another kind of information about you to use in its place.

Writing Feedback / Automatic translation between different languages - is it possible nowadays? [3]

Hi Kieth, I think you will be quite happy to know that you did very well in this practice test. So well in fact that this is the first time that I will find myself giving an overall band score of 7 to a student at this forum. Let me break the scoring down for you over the 4 required elements.

Task accuracy - 7 - You have clearly presented a clear overview of the topic. There is an enhanced feel to your summary statement because you broke down the discussion that you would be presenting in the body of the essay into short, summarized presentations in your overview statement.

Coherence and Cohesion - 7 - There is a clear progression in your essay. You did not deviate from the prompt in your discussion per paragraph and you showed that you have the ability to discuss your ideas in a logical manner. There was a clear use of cohesive devices which were used in an acceptable manner.

Lexical Resource - 7 - The use of some advanced words in relation to technology and language learning earned you some pretty high marks. There was a flexibility in the way that you portrayed your discussion and you used some less common lexical terms like synonym and phrases like "programmed in a software" along with "translation software" and "precisely" to name just a few.

Grammar Range and Accuracy - 6 - You have a pretty good mix of sentences in the essay. The sentence structure problems relate to certain mistakes in the use of certain words. However, these mistakes did not affect the overall meaning and presentation of your work. So this is the only portion where I would score you less. However, your work was pretty consistent in this essay.

Writing Feedback / The involvement of well-known people in international aid organisations attracts the attention [5]

Hi Kaun. I will be scoring your essay based on the 4 band score criteria. I hope that you will also take note of the improvements I will be suggesting to you for the improvement of your work. It is really important that you try to improve your written skills because you have the talent and English writing skills to do so. It just requires practice and self improvement on your part.

Task Accuracy - 4 - You covered most of the bases in your summary. There was a slight prompt deviation when you based your personal opinion on positive changes to society rather than the contribution the celebrity can make to the cause he is championing for under the international organization. Consider also that you only presented the discussion as to why people think that celebrities make a cause seem less important. From there, you went immediately to your opinion and forgot to discuss the opinion of people who think that celebrities help the cause they support. Review the prompt, you should have discussed 3 sides in the essay. The supporting, non-supporting, and your personal opinion.

Coherence and Cohesion - 6 - the discussion you present shows that you have the ability to think logically in English and also present an acceptable, although sometimes confusing discussion. The confusion comes from the wrong English term use so that will have an effect on your lexical score.

Lexical Resource - 6 - You could have scored higher had you used the correct terms. For example, you used the word motivates when what you really wanted to say was motives. Motivates means taking action while motives are the reason you are motivated to take action.

Grammatical range and accuracy - 6 - I believe that you have shown an intermediate to semi-advanced knowledge of the English language. You are capable of creating understandable arguments in English and you offer clear explanations for your stance, even though there are some sentence structure mistakes.

Overall, I believe that, if you continue to write in this manner, you will be able to pass this section of the IELTS test.

Graduate / My newfound passion in engineering and energy. Personal Statement for M.Sc Petroleum Engineering [2]

Arsnij, the first 3 paragraphs of this essay sound more like it should be included in a research paper instead of a personal statement. Your essay will in fact, be better and improved if you just remove those technical information, and just let your own personal thoughts, as reflected in the second paragraph, become the opening statement of your essay.

While I understand that you were quite influenced by the information you learned at the conference and the results of the research you did, you must present those in a more personal manner if you wish to still use it in this paper. Rather than discussing the conference of the results of articles you read, make the information come across as a realization that you came to while you were dong your job. That way, you create a personal, rather than academic connection with the M. Sc. course you wish to pursue. Realizing something on your own creates a more informed, dedicated, and advocated learner rather than someone who just came to the conclusion based on the beliefs or advice of other people.

Your personal statement should reflect your voice, interests, and aspirations for wishing to complete the M. Sc. studies and that really comes through starting with the second and succeeding paragraphs. You have to delete the unnecessary portions so that the essay will be better reflective of your personal beliefs and ideas regarding Petroleum Engineering. The more complicated and relevant information about your desire to attend the university will be better presented, developed, and discussed in your statement of purpose. Which is a different essay altogether.

Undergraduate / Tell a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character [3]

Roy, I would really appreciate it if you can provide the complete prompt instructions for this essay. I am having a difficult time analyzing the portions that can be revised, edited, or deleted because I am unsure as to what the central theme of the essay has to be. I think it has something to do with your character, based upon what you have written. However, what it is about your character that the essay is being asked to portray is what I am concerned about. Any changes we make need to be reflective of the prompt requirements so please post it soon so that I can offer you more concrete and applicable advice for your writing.

At the moment, your essay is really very emotional and personal in nature. It shows off a side to you that I believe can be better developed so that the essay be refocused from a bigger concentration on your father to a more major concentration on how this relationship helped build your character. The minute I know more about the prompt requirements, I know that I can help you to change the direction of this essay for the better,

Speeches / A farewell speech for a teacher who is leaving [6]

Soha, I have some suggested adjustments to make this speech more formal. Remember, you are delivering this in school, not at a birthday party at some home or hotel venue. So the formal tone must be kept at all times as a sign of respect to your guests and listeners.

Keep the first paragraph intact but add the sentences beneath that paragraph to it as well. The message is connected so there is no need to separate it from the opening statement. However, you should remove the line that says "I believe". You are praising your teacher here so there is no need to convince other people. Just say what you mean and don't try to convince the audience. They are not there to be convinced by you statement.

Graduate / I am looking for admission in MS in Financial Mathematics. Evaluate my SOP. [9]

Rageeni, let's get one thing clear from the very start. This is not a statement of purpose or SOP. This is a personal statement. Often times the two are mixed up because the tendency of most students applying to masters school is to combine the personal and professional information in a single essay. That is the mistake that you made in this particular work of yours. So you have to correct it in order to just deliver the expected information for the reviewer.

To begin with, your statement of purpose opening statement should already indicate that you are a college graduate, where you are currently working, and in what capacity. This tells the reviewer that you are looking to proceed with higher education related to your current employment.

Then, you should proceed with informing the reviewer as to why you feel that you should be given an opportunity to achieve higher education. No, the response does not lie in the story about educational bias in Nepal. Nor does it lie in the early learning experience you have. Your response should reflect the need for higher education based solely upon your future projection for your career and your personal / professional accomplishments. Your response about wishing to accomplish several things upon completion of this course should be revised because it contains some of these response elements already. You just need to improve upon the presentation from your end.

Proceed with explaining your relevant college degree in summary form, then move on to your current (related) work experience in order to prove the logical career progression in relation to your MS interest. Make sure that you lay out a short term career goal at the very least.

As for your conclusion, make sure to explain why you chose this particular university and how you plan to utilize their academic offerings for the betterment of your future. Make sure to point out the areas of interest to you in your study and explain why you feel that is necessary to learn about in your line as a Mathematician. More importantly, indicate why you believe only their university can help you achieve that goal.