Scholarship / Chevening - Networking is the art of making connection with people [2]

Debby, your network seems to have such a personal connection to you that you do not seem to be sharing it outside of your immediate needs or exclusive circle of friends. That is not the kind of networking ability that Chevening expects of its scholars. As a scholar, you as expected to be able to develop a high profile network based upon your professional abilities and performance. This means growing your network while in the performance of your professional tasks. Don't get me wrong, your class connections and how they helped you secure a job among other things is notable. It is just too selfish a use of the network that lessens the importance of the network. A good network helps others before it helps you. Or, it helps you to help others. Which is what the basis or premise of a Chevening scholarship is all about. It will be best for you to write a new essay that will better reflect the Chevening objectives before you apply for acceptance to the scholarship grant.

Scholarship / Give access to clean water and basic sanitation - leadership and influential skill [2]

Bonica, the events and information that you have depicted in this essay make it more of a statement of purpose or personal statement rather than a Leadership and Influencing essay. The narration in your essay tells me that you were part of a team and you performed as a participant in the events that unfolded instead of having you act in a leadership capacity. If you take the time to review the essay based upon the demands of the prompt, you will see that you did not deliver on any aspect of the expected response. There was no recognition of individualized leadership on your part and you did not really have a direct hand in influencing these people. It would be in your best interest to revise the content of the essay to reflect a real leadership and influencing role that you recently performed either on a professional or civic capacity. Also, try not to make this paper sound like it is part of a research paper by offering information with sources cited. That doesn't make any sense to present in a scholarship essay for a masters degree. Chevening has their equivalent of common app prompts in college essays. So deviating from the prompt demands just makes your essay useless in terms of helping with your application.

Undergraduate / Common App essay about how I dealt with my Mother's Breast Cancer [2]

Sam, what prompt are you trying to respond to? I am not clear as to what theme the essay is going for so I can't really assess the essay based upon content. It seems like the story in the essay concentrates way too much on your mother's cancer and the effect it had on you. I'm not quite confident that the slant the essay has right now is the correct one. I am thinking that maybe, the essay should be redirected more towards you and your development as a person owing to your mother's cancer.

The essay itself is engaging and imaginative. It is capable of transporting the reader to the actual setting being described and played out on paper. It has the ability to help your application, provided that the prompt is properly responded to. So I really need to read that prompt that the response is based upon so that I can better assess the essay. Kindly upload it as soon as possible and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks.

Scholarship / I see myself becoming a professional OSH practitioner and within ten years my plan is to hold a PhD [7]

If you can connect the relationship of those 2 countries to your quest to gain the support of the UK for an OSH project, then by all means mention it. I don't think it will hurt since you will be indicating a shortcoming on the part of the UK. However, you have to make it sound like a positive sentence and not accusatory or complaining. You always have to play the hope and gratitude angle in the essay. So you have to make sure that you will mention the other countries as the basis of your project.

For example, you can speak of an existing project that has the cooperation of another country. Then you can try to find a reason why that program has to be improved and then indicate how the UK can help with regards to starting an improved version of the project. That should work for the essay.

Scholarship / I see myself becoming a professional OSH practitioner and within ten years my plan is to hold a PhD [7]

Not only should you write something about raising awareness about your project, but you should also try to create an impression of the importance that the UK has in the promotion of such programs. Keep in mind that you are supposed to write about the relationship of the UK with your country in relation to the course you are studying. So if the relationship does not exist, your paper should explain why it should exist. The idea being, that you will call the attention of the UK to the plight of OSH in your country and how their help is badly needed in improving the situation.

For the relationship part, you can explain that you will do your best to promote and gain the help of the UK in addressing the problems related to the job. What you will be doing is working the system to hopefully, cast the dice in your favor. That means that because a relationship doesn't exist, then you will create one.

Scholarship / 'I developed strong interest' - I chose three universities that have courses which match my interest [12]

In all cases where a maximum word count is indicated, you must follow the instructions. Now, don't worry about going over the word count. Go over the count as much as you need to in your draft. I'll be here to help you figure out which parts to summarize, delete, or reduce in length. In other words, it's going to be my problem to help you bring that count down. We need to make the essay as long as possible, inclusive of all the necessary information because it is easier to shorten an informed essay than it is to lengthen a less than informed essay. That said, you should go ahead and increase the word count by writing what needs to be written. The essay will be better for it. We can always take away sentences from the non-essential aspects of the essay. I'll be standing by to help you out.

Scholarship / 'I developed strong interest' - I chose three universities that have courses which match my interest [12]

Hi Firuz, let me explain myself more clearly, I believe I misspoke when I mentioned the connection. You see, when you speak of your future plans, that should include an overview reference to the connection of the UK to your plans for study. Some of the students here opt to present a sneak peek into their post study plans by relating the two in terms of how the course of study can help them with their future career goals and plans. Some, have ideas relating to performing internships while in the UK, which can help them further improve upon their academic skills. I believe that in your line of work, such a connection, between Linguistics and how you can further develop those skills through practical application while in the UK is important. These are connections that you can mention at the end of each course and university choice if you wish to do so. Otherwise, you are right and you can just mention the connection in the career plan. I was trying to enhance your essay on a different scale by bringing in the connection a little early as an overview.

Scholarship / I believe networking and connection provides a fundamental background in achieving success [3]

Bonica, I suggest that you reformat your essay first thing. It was horribly difficult for me to read your essay because of the lack of line breaks. You need to divide the topic paragraphs in order to allow the reader to better understand and remember the information you are providing. In the current format, which is non-existent, I can't even remember what your opening statement was and if you had any real networking skills to speak of. So I had to read the essay all over again and be assaulted by the tight words on the page. Imagine if you had the reviewer himself trying to read this, he would not even get past the first few sentences before giving up on your paper.

That said, you will need to cut down on the content of your paper for clarity purposes. If possible choose only the most important networking skill and example that you can speak of and work on presenting that in the best possible manner to the reader. I can't pick out the most important networking exercise for you because of the difficulty in reading the text. I trust that this is something that you can do for yourself once you revise the format of the page.

Maybe, once you have properly formatted the paper, I can better assess what you are trying to inform the reviewer about. In the meantime, please make sure that your conclusion includes a reference to how you plan to use your present and future network to help promote Chevening and, quite possibly, assist the scholarship in widening their own network as well. That is a prompt requirement that was not really addressed in your statements.

Scholarship / Realizing my dream of creating the first arts management company in Algeria and the region [4]

Malik, I believe that you have your opening and closing statements interchanged. I have a sense, after reading the entire essay, that you should switch the two paragraphs I mentioned because they are more effective in different places of the essay. You have a very strong personal sentiment declared in the current concluding paragraph. That kind of personal involvement and dedication is something that should be used to open the essay in relation to your 5 year plan. The focus of the essay just becomes stronger when it is done that way. Then the current opening statement, can better serve as the closing paragraph because it speaks of your hope for the future of your country. It talks of your vision for the arts and more importantly, can close on a hopeful tone. A tone that says "I will be the pioneer who will bring the arts and culture of my country out of its 50 year slump." That is as confident and hopeful a vision and tone as one can hope for with this kind of essay development.

Scholarship / 'I developed strong interest' - I chose three universities that have courses which match my interest [12]

Hi Firuz, I really believe that this essay is one of the best that I have come across for the Study in UK prompt of Chevening on this forum. Your presentation is clear and offers an opportunity for the reviewer to actually understand how you will benefit from any of the course studies. It is the perfect paper to support your post study career plan.

Now, the only aspect of the essay that I had hoped to see but failed to do so was in the area of the connection of the UK programs in your country relating to ICT or Linguistics. Did I miss something in the essay or did you not find any connection between the two? It would really increase the perfection of your essay if you can deliver the necessary connection between the two as provided by the prompt. Overall though, good work and if you did not need the UK connection, I would say that the essay is all set for use.

Scholarship / Study in the UK is one of big dreams for all who aspire to develop himself or build a great career [3]

Amany, there is a lack of connection between your previous academic and professional experience and your choice of courses. Keep in mind that the prompt requires you to justify your choices based upon how the completion of said courses will help you advance your career. So you need to either have a background that will be enhanced by the course, or you will have a need for this information in the performance of your future career. You cannot just consistently claim that you will benefit from the class lessons. You have to prove the actual professional benefit on your end.

Now, there is also a lack of representation regarding the connection of your chosen courses with the current interests of the UK in your country. Can't you find any relevant project or marketing agreement that will help make that connection clear so that your desire to study in the UK will have a solid foundation? It doesn't have to be in terms of marketing per se. It can be about trade relations or business agreements that have a connection to marketing your products in the UK and vice versa.

Scholarship / Being a leader in one of the most important charity organizations: future leaders CHEVENING [2]

Sara, the part about financing doesn't belong in this essay. From the duty description that you have provided, it seems that you should save this particular explanation for your networking skills. That is where this ability should be included as a discussion. The finance work that you did obviously entailed some sort of networking so if you are hard pressed to defend your networking skills, trust me when I tell you that you can use the finance discussion, in expanded form to explain that skill of yours.

The rest of the essay works well in depicting your leadership and influencing traits. This is a unique presentation as you are doing it point by point. Something that is not normally seen in this type of essay discussion. It is easy to read and makes it even easier to remember or refer to the facts of your essay should the reviewer need to consult your paper during the deliberation stage. That is, if you get to that stage.

Good luck with your application. If you implement my suggestion, I believe that you can already submit this paper for the consideration of the scholarship committee.

Scholarship / Occupational Health and Safety is my way to do something for society; CAREER PLAN QUESTION CHEVENING [2]

Debby, you wasted the first half of the essay speaking about things that are just fillers. These were not related directly to the prompt being provided and therefore, did not help your application at all. I suggest that you revise the response so that you are not wasting valuable word count. Begin the essay from your statement about the future of your career in your country. Clarify the points you made in that paragraph and make sure to discuss it to the point where your intentions for your career become evident upon your return. The discussion is too simple and does not carry any weight at all when considering the degree of difficulty and responsibility included in the studies for your masters course.

Divide the paragraph into two topics. The first topic would be about your work improvement plans upon your return. The second discussion in a new paragraph would cover the discussion regarding how you plan to get the government to help you address your work concerns. Then your last paragraph, should pay tribute to the work the UK has done in your country in terms of helping to keep the workforce safe. Look up information regarding foreign government cooperation with regards to workplace safety.

Scholarship / My main duty was to give Mongolians proper massage and correct their judgment of Christianity [5]

Naran, a word of advice regarding discussing religion as a form of leadership in your essay. If you can discuss something other than this topic to prove your leadership skills, then please do so. It is important not to present a religious discussion in an essay as you can never tell if you will accidentally end up offending the reviewer, thus ruining your chances at the scholarship. I know that you are proud of your religion and your leadership activity in it but, owing to the volatility of the religious discussion these days, it would be in your best interests to discuss a more profession related form of leadership. This will help you avoid any potential complications that such discussions might cause your application.

I like your last paragraph. That could very well work in your favor should you decide to take my advice about changing your discussion topic. You can use that as your new opening statement, leading into your new discussion. It shows a strong leadership trait that should keep the reviewer interested in learning more about your leadership and influencing skills.

Scholarship / Connections and socializing are the main factors that make all the world countries communicate easly [2]

Hanady, this essay has a severe case of information overload. You are trying to represent all of the connections you have made throughout your academic and professional life, without discerning the real contacts from the mere acquaintances. Your list need not be this long nor detailed. The most notable networking skill that you can speak of, as far as I can tell is the one related to the creation of SCITA. You should offer a backgrounder on the mission and objectives of that group before the detailed discussion of how the network works for you and vice versa. The reason I want you to concentrate on this is because it seems to be the strongest network you have create so far. You barely have evidence of networking of a professional so we need to divert the attention of the reviewer to your strongest point of networking if possible.

Aside from that, you should delete all references to Chevening Connect as there is no reason for you to explain to the reviewer about something that he is more familiar with than you. It is not a necessary piece of information that needs to be included in this essay. You should instead, work on building up the paragraph about how your past network can help you and Chevening in the future along side the new networks you will be creating.

Finally, please fix the format of your essay as it is difficult to read and keep track of. The discussion that are not related to one another must be separated by paragraph breaks and clearly formatted as a separate discussion in the essay. See how I formatted y response to you? This is the same format that your essay should have. All related discussions in one paragraph.

Scholarship / I see myself becoming a professional OSH practitioner and within ten years my plan is to hold a PhD [7]

Malek, the essay is strong in the sense that you clearly depict the problems of OSH situations in your country and how you wish to help update the system. In fact, I do no think that you should keep the part about your father's injury for the middle of the essay. It should actually be upfront with the rest of the introduction because that is certainly a compelling reason for you to want to improve the working condition for all those concerned in your country. Aside from that, I would like you to clarify the links that the UK have with OSH in Palestine. Aren't there any connections between the two countries in terms of improving the safety situation of workers in your country? I don't think that the business link is the connection that should be mentioned in this instance. The connection should, as much as possible, be connected to your masters degree course.

Scholarship / Global UGRAD exchange program (Why would I be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program ?) [3]

Mohamed, maybe you have more to offer the program than the standard answer that you are providing here. These sorts of replies will be provided by the other applicants in various forms. So it will be a tired and less than unique answer to provide the reviewer with. I suggest that you look more into the global nature of the scholarship and discuss something that you have to offer the program. It should be more than just about the semester abroad experience or the exchange of cultural experiences. Delve deeper into the meaning of the scholarship through a presentation of something that is calling out to you in terms of study. Consider possibly spending a semester abroad in order to widen your exposure to your college interests. As a foreign exchange student, you will have the opportunity to seek more formal training or learning in terms of your field of study. So discuss the potential plans you have to use the semester to increase your knowledge far beyond the 4 walls of the classroom. While I understand that the death of your friend inspired you to look into the scholarship, I don't really see any relation between his death and your ability to participate in this program. If it were up to me, I would remove that reference instead. After all, they are asking about why you wish to attend this program. They are not asking you about how your friend's death influenced you. That is an irrelevant part of the discussion in my opinion.

Scholarship / The DAAD Motivational Letter - "The reasons, which motivate me to apply for this funding program" [6]

Hi Viktor, my apologies as I am more familiar with the DAAD application for German or Germany based applicants. That is why I gave you this specific set of advice. My apologies if it is not applicable to your application. So I guess you came here only for grammar opinions, which Alrisky has already taken care of for you. I believe that you already know your letter is in its final format and doesn't require any more technical advice regarding content or format. There is nothing to change anymore. My apologies for thinking that you needed advice regarding that aspect. I was mistaken. Thank you for the eye opener. I will keep that in mind the next time someone asks for DAAD advice here. I will be sure to make a clarification between the German and Russian application. Apparently they function under a different set of rules. I hope though, that you will take what you can use from my advice and throw away what you cannot use. Good luck with your application.

Scholarship / Applying computer science MSC course in three colleges for Chevaning scholarship [2]

Yes, It will be a problem because you need to differentiate your interests in each university. As a Computer Science major, perhaps there were other avenues of the course that you were interested in while at college that you can pursue now? You don't have to stick to Computer Science as your MSc course. You can also opt to choose courses that are related to your major, but would take your career on a different, but related path. A masters degree is usually related to better career opportunities. Changing your career path within a related field, or entering a totally new career. I know that you want to stick to MSc in Computer Science. So try to find reasons as to why these universities would offer different results for the same course. You can even opt to not pick universities in your discussion and just discuss 3 course choices in relation to the development of your career. Whatever you do, you need to find the differences in either the academic training or internship opportunities that the universities offer their students under the same course description.

Scholarship / Every house needs a good foundation. Short and long-term goals like building a house. [9]

Not bad. The essay comes across as analytical and well thought out. Your plan for action is actually feasible and should be something that you can achieve in the short term. Can you say something about your plans while in college? For example, looking towards internships at notable accounting firms or something similar? That training should be part of your college goals because it will dictate the success of your future plans.

Your long term goals are admirable but should include references to higher education if you plan on starting your own business. Normally, higher education is necessary when the person wishes to start his own company or work for himself. It isn't just about getting the proper training and internships. It is also about gaining more academic knowledge.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship - Career plan! I have a vision how to implement it in my city. [7]

Liseth, first tell the reviewer that your plan may take 5 years to complete, more or less. After that, you can launch into the detailed explanation that you have provided in your essay. It will make for a smoother read for the reviewer because he will be able to create his own estimation of the timeline involved with regards to the completion of your project. I would place the referral to the 5 year plan somewhere in the middle of the essay. If I were the one writing this, I would place the comment after the paragraph discussing your plan to join UNET. It makes perfect sense to give the time frame at that point because the succeeding paragraphs already discuss the execution of the plans. It doesn't leave room to properly present the time frame without making it seem out of place in the essay.

Scholarship / "In order to be successful you have to be known between people" - Chevening networking essay [4]

You work in the marketing business right? Now, as a marketing professional, you have to deal with people across the business sector. These people that you deal with help you with your business by purchasing from you and referring you to other potential buyers or people who need your services. So through this referral system, you created a network that was usable to you, your buyer, and the person you were referred to. Now, what was the end result of this network for you? Did you hit a sales record that caused you to get promoted? Or maybe you won an incentive? Whatever the end result, you were able to explain how your network was created and how it helped you. Then at the end, you can explain how Chevening fits into this network and how you will promote the growth of their network upon your graduation.

Scholarship / Chevening - Networking Skill : Networking as a media for collaboration [4]

Ignatius please, please make sure that all of the names you mentioned in this essay are the names of people whom, if they are called to confirm their connection to you, will actually admit that they are part of your contact network. Otherwise, please leave names out of the essay for privacy purposes. Network contacts that are nurtured and continue to help you to this very day are different from project acquaintances. Don't mistake and / or interchange the two. You can mention the organizations that you worked for and what kind of network you achieved through that work which you can consider a method of permanent networking. . But unless you have the permission of these people to use their names in your essay, don't do it. It could backfire big time on you.

This essay doesn't require you to mention all of the contacts you have made throughout your academic and professional lifetime. It does however, require you to explain how yo develop and nurture your contacts. In the essay that you have at the moment, all I can see is that you made contact, but not necessarily permanent contact within your network with these people. I do not see how you constantly interact with them for your other projects. Is there a relationship that I am missing?

Please try to explain how these contacts can help you in the future and how you plan to share these contacts and the future contacts you will be making with Chevening and their scholars upon your graduation. That is a prerequisite of the essay so you have to reflect it in your final statement.

Scholarship / 'I developed strong interest' - I chose three universities that have courses which match my interest [12]

Firuz, what are the reasons behind your choices for the course and universities? Does it have any connection with the UK programs in your country? I think that you need to rethink your essay review process. As a reviewer, I would prefer to review the entire essay as you have drafter it because my comments should be based on the entirety of the essay and the improvements to the content or style should be reflected throughout the essay. Doing the review by part means that the advice will constantly adjust to the new content and quite possibly, have you constantly revising the whole essay as we progress. Please reconsider your editing style as it will not be good for the overall form and content of the paper.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - MPP and HPPF at Oxford or LSE [2]

Mar, I would rather decide on the validity of your Study in the UK essay once you have completed all of your course choices. At this point, it would seem that your essay has passed the border of redundancy in terms of information. Remember how the standard instruction in the essay prompts is that there should not be any duplication of information? You have mentioned the Clinton Health Access Initiatives and Ebola virus in your previous essays. So you should not be repeating that information here. You must focus solely on your reasons for studying in the UK. Mention something other that the Clinton work and the outbreak of Ebola in Nigeria. Try to develop a new angle related to the need for higher education at present, without the previous information to rely on. I would suggest looking into the health initiatives of the UK in Nigeria at this point and then creating a believable connection between your desire for higher studies and the promotion of the UK initiatives in Nigeria at present. That way you will provide a different take on your need for education in the UK at a higher academic level.

Scholarship / My last - the reintroduced leadership answer essay. I always strive to improve more. [8]

Phoowadon, I wish you had checked with us before you submitted the essay. There is always a good chance that the critical eye of the reviewer can help you to further perfect the essay prior to submission. The comments I made were honest and I really believe that its inclusion in your essay would have raised the bar on your application. Now, since you have already submitted the essay, there is nothing more that can be done about it. It was acceptable in its form and content to a certain degree. As to whether or not it is good enough to earn you consideration for the scholarship, at the very least, I cannot give you an accurate response. Its acceptability and consideration will be decided upon by the powers that be at Chevening. Maybe your essay will be considered, I don't dare hazard a guess at this point. I am not privy as to how the reviewer or reviewers will decide to deal with your essay. I hope they will treat it fairly though. Good luck with your application.

Scholarship / 'the great scientific prestige' - why you have selected those three university courses? [4]

Zainb, this is already acceptable as it is. However, I need you to add one small detail that can help to further enhance the essay and will further align it with the requirements of the study in the UK prompt. Please try to find a way to relate your marketing courses with some projects that the UK are promoting in your country. These could be in terms of trade deals, business partnerships. and other business related projects. I believe that you will find something related to marketing because global trade is one of the main thrusts of the UK and I am sure that they have partnered with your country in some way. Once that connection has been created, the essay can be finalized for content already.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - the next step to be a leader in the field of clinical oncology [9]

Laila, how about when you were doing your internship? Have you completed your residency? Didn't you have to deal with patients during your rounds? As far as I know, the teaching hospitals allow you to handle some simple cases when you are on duty. Perhaps there was a time when you had to lead a patient during an examination or allayed their fears while undergoing an emergency procedure or examination? Consider your experiences at the teaching hospital and try to see if you have any experience that can display the necessary character traits of the prompt. If you can't come up with something along those lines during your training, then consider your membership to school or civic organizations. Perhaps there is something we can use within that field of yours?

Scholarship / Networking questions - chevening scholarship - Chartered Accountants in health [6]

Mar, definitely the wrong approach to the essay. You will need to revise it in order to properly reflect that you are not yet a scholar and you are speaking of the future. I would place the reference to how you plan to help the other scholars are the end of the essay, which is where the prompt advises that you place it in the first place.

Review your essay for the parts that may come across improperly to the reviewer. I think only paragraph 2 is the problem. If you read through the essay again, you will see that all you have to do is re-position the paragraphs in order to get the desired effect. My arrangement would be as follows: Paragraph 4, 1, 3, 2. In its new position in the essay in the 1,2,3,4 order, you will have a new essay that better responds to the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / "In order to be successful you have to be known between people" - Chevening networking essay [4]

Amany, this essay is too general in coverage to be considered for the networking essay. Neither can it be considered a leadership and influencing essay, even though there are tinges of that throughout. So I am not really sure about what to tell you aside from letting you know that you will have to write a totally new essay because this essay doesn't really give the correct answer to the prompt.

Your marketing job should be able to help you develop an explanation of how you build your network and how you use your network to your advantage. However, you do not offer solid evidence of your networking skills in that or any other part of your essay. Therefore, it lacks the kind of development that will make your claims believable. You have to present an instance that can present an example of your networking skills.

Aside from that, you also have to make a clear connection between your networking skills, your existing network, and how you future network can help you become a better Chevening scholar. Don't forget that you also have to qualify how you will help the scholarship by promoting its activities or helping it future batch of scholars through the use of your network should you become a future alumna of the scholarship program.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - the next step to be a leader in the field of clinical oncology [9]

Laila, the minute you get frustrated and give up, then you have already lost your chance to win the scholarship. Just keep on writing the essay, no matter how many new essays it takes for you to get it right. I won't give up on helping you sort out your work if you will just add to your patience and work with me. This essay is not difficult to write. I can help you try to direct it towards the correct response.

You need either a professional or civic example of leadership and influencing in order to work on this essay properly. As an Oncologist, you have worked with a number of cancer patients right? They have looked to your leadership to help them find a cure that will heal them of their cancer. Your job as the lead doctor on the case is to lead the patient towards the right remedy for their tumor. Either through an operation, chemotherapy, or other experimental drugs. The fact that your patients ask you questions about the procedure and follow your instructions means you are a leader in the examination room and in the operating room. When your patient is afraid about an exploratory operation and yet you manage to influence them to be confident and trust that the system can heal them, makes you an influential person. That is the point of view that you should be writing this essay from. That is where your strength lies. Write about your professional life and its relation to your leadership skills and influencing abilities.

Scholarship / When no scholarship: I will continue with my bead making and working in Daycare with the help of God [4]

Charles, I'm sorry, I think I did not make myself clear. The next thing that you have to do is revise the whole essay. That means that you need to write a totally new essay. Do not use the current essay that you have because it is not very good. It won't help you win the scholarship if you submit it. You should write a new essay that sounds more hopeful, even if you do not win the scholarship. I have provided you with the information that you will need to place in the new essay above. Just write the new essay and post it to this thread. Then I can help you sort out the information and clean it up for submission. I hope that you can come up with a better essay based on the data I have given you. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / 'Since I was paralyzed..' - College Essay, give advice [5]

HI Lydia, I do suggest removing that line because it doesn't really offer much of a relation to the next sentence or in the overall context of that paragraph. You don't really have to replace it with anything because your essay is pretty much straightforward from that point. Which is something that the reviewer will appreciate. A hook only works well if it helps inform the reader about the succeeding parts of your essay. When a hook stands alone like the one you have now, it doesn't really help the essay move forward. So it becomes a useless part of the overall essay. If you want to replace it, you will need to come up with an event that is attention grabbing. For example, relate the first instance when you realized you couldn't move without the help of others, you did not understand why, and you panicked. Bring the reviewer into your world and make it as vivid as you can. That is a hook that just might help your essay along.

Undergraduate / The most important section in a student's live (personal statement for CUHK) [4]

What i mean is that you cannot base your major solely on the choice of the university that you want to attend. In the essay, you say that you major in Business Administration. That means that you have a background or early life exposure to this field of study or business. Therefore the majority of your response should refer to your personal reasons for your choice of college major. You can actually attend any university that offers this degree. What should matter then, are the reasons why you think you will succeed as a graduate of this course. The choice of university, should not factor strongly in this decision until later on. So, personal reasons first, ambitions for your future in relation to this career next, choice of university, that is last on the priority list for discussion.

Scholarship / When no scholarship: I will continue with my bead making and working in Daycare with the help of God [4]

Charles, can you consider a different approach to the question posed? I believe that you could portray yourself along a better light over the next four years other than the one that you are presenting right now. Do not present yourself as a person who is going to rely on god to get him by. Instead, be a go - getter. Show them that you will spend the next our years pursuing avenues that can help you afford college. These avenues can include continuously applying for scholarships until you get awarded one, getting a higher paying job (either part time or full time), and pursuing self education through open access , free universities such as those offered by Open Learning websites. All of these will be done while you continue to save money, as best as you can, so you can afford to go to either community college or a 4 year college in the not too distant future. Your essay needs to sound more hopeful and well planned at the time you respond to the essay.

Scholarship / Renewable Energy is not only to fight climate change but also to create more jobs - Chevening career [4]

Moaz, your essay is too long. A normal career plan is presented within a 5 year and ten year package. Since this is a specific career plan for this scholarship. Try to keep it short. Open with the fact that Chevening will have allowed you to learn cutting edge information that can help you advance your career. Break it down over 5 years. Don't waste your time with the overview. That information should have already been covered within your study plan essay and/or your leadership plus networking essay. The career essay can be as short as 3 paragraphs long. Just review the essay and focus solely on the actual career plans instead of the overview and introduction to your career plan. I can't really do that editing for you because only you can tell which parts of the essay will be affected if some portion is removed. I can probably try to do that, but I want to make sure that you have had a go at it first.

Scholarship / Every house needs a good foundation. Short and long-term goals like building a house. [9]

I don't think that you need to mention that your family lives from paycheck to paycheck in this essay. It doesn't really reflect anything related to the prompt so it is a superfluous aspect of the discussion. Just make sure to present all of the necessary information as per the prompt requirements and the essay will be good to use.

In your short term goals regarding paying for your tuition fees, you should make mention about of some university based scholarships or student financing plans that you plan to avail of in relation to paying off your fees. That is how you can make it abundantly clear to the reviewer that you come from a single income family but you are willing to do everything that it takes to complete your education.

From the looks of it, these two adjustments are all that need to be done in order to finalize the content of your response. I look forward to reading your next version.

Scholarship / Human resource management and the marketing communication and advertising - why these courses? [6]

Somehow the paragraph about you being a flight attendant and being exposed to various cultures suddenly jumps to your interest in human resources. There is a lost flow of thought that should be connecting the previous sentence with the next. So I think that you have to explain how your experience as a flight attendant and your exposure to various cultures somehow led you to believe that you should pursue a career in human resources. At the moment, you need to create that connection because the sudden development of your career in human resources does not come across clearly in the opening paragraph. The rest of the essay information is acceptable and usable at this point. Sorry about the small revision. It just occurred to me now as I reviewed your essay.

Scholarship / "The great achiever". LEADERSHIP AND INFLUENCE QUESTION OF CHEVENING SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Feli, in terms of a college application personal statement, your narrative is quite engrossing and impressive. As a future Chevening scholar, it does not hold up to the standards of the scholarship and the competitor applicants. You have narrated events in your life that have led you to become an achiever in one way or another. However, most of the roles that you spoke of have you in the role of a follower and not a leader. The position that you had at the tutorial center isn't exactly the kind of life altering leadership that can impress the reviewer.

When you speak of your leadership skills, you need some sort of professional or notable organizational membership to accomplish this. As I review your paper yet again, I cannot find a solid professional referral that can be used to exemplify your leadership and influencing skills. It just doesn't exist in the current information you have presented.

In order to present a clear leadership skill, you need to have been involved in the development of something, a project, a cause, an organization, or anything called upon people to listen to you for leadership and to follow your example in order to influence them to do what you need them to do. Please consider finding something along these lines that you can present in your essay. At this point, this essay doesn't properly respond to the prompt and will not help your application should you decide to submit it.

Scholarship / Career Path - Advancing Health reform in Zimbabwe [2]

Mar, you can actually lose the first paragraph if you want to. The essay should immediately open with a reference to "Upon my return..." in order to present the necessary and immediate information related to your career. The backgrounder can be merged into this paragraph in order to keep the key elements of the current introduction. It should end up creating a shorter and more effective introduction on your part.

It is important that you also reflect how you plan to use the knowledge that you will be gaining during your time of study once you return to your country. Which specific programs will your study gains be applicable to? What kind of changes do you see taking effect in the department that you handle because of it? Do you feel that you will have a better path towards a promotion because of your studies and the advancements that you will be implementing? How many years do you think it will take before all of your plans become a reality? Differentiate between your short term and long term career plans.

Overall though, the essay is informative and sticks to the prompt. What we need from you now, is to better develop certain aspects of the prompt. That way your post study career will be more believable and achievable in the long and short term.