Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY CHOOSE WHERE TO GO [4]

Please revise my essay I am happy to receive some feedback so that I can improve the writing skill.

Thank you.

This is the question:

You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice

In my opinion, China is the most attractive country that I would like to visit. I am interested in its long history, peculiar architecture and popular culture. By going to China, I will have an opportunity to drink in China's unique characteristics that are difficult to understand through television.

First of all, I will talk with local guides about Chinese dynasties that were powerful in the past. When going to China, I will have a face-to-face conversation with the local guides about the Chinese dynasties. If I am confused about them, I can talk them over until I understand them. However, if I learn Chinese dynasties through television, you must pay close attention to them because, in television program, although I can watch it again and again, I am not able to learn more than what is screened on television.

Second, by setting foot on China, I will be happy to take in The China Wall and The Forbidden city. I will have a good chance to go everywhere around both areas so that I can learn mysterious aspects that are rarely shown in the television program.

Third, when traveling to China, I will recognize the popularity of the Dragon parade ceremony which is organized around the world where Chinese people live. The best way to know more about this event is to talk with local people rather than watch the television because they can very informative about it. Moreover, I can inquire about the Dragon parade ceremony more precisely by having a good relationship with local people so that they are willing to provide you with clear information which, in some way, is better than that of the television.

To sum up, In China, there are a great number of mysterious and impressive things more than any other in Asia. Because my grandfather is a Chinese people who migrated to Thailand, I really want to learn more about a history, ancient palaces, and the unseen culture. To attain the goal, traveling to China will help me a lot to learn these things by my eyes rather on television in my own country.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources [5]

Please revise my essay. I need feedback to improve my writing skill becasue my previous essay submitted was not good.
Thank you for the feedback

An essay question is that

Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources, such as forests, animal and clean water. Choose one resource that is disappearing and explain why it need to bed saved. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

life without forest is impossible

Forest is the most important natural resources. It can provide food and water for tribes, act as a barrier against natural disasters, and reduce the concentration of carbon emissions from a chemical industry. Considering these factors, people will be able to lead a normal and stable in the world.

In the first place, tribal citizens can have fruit, meat and even honey for daily consumption. In forest, there are a lot of things that people who live in the mountain can find for daily life. They do not have to fight one another to look for forest things such as honey, drinking water and even meat because of their abundance.

In the second place, people who live in a low land do not have to move to another area in the rainy season. This is true because during the flash flood, houses which are located in its path are razed so that they have to evacuate to another site. However, with forest, they do not have to worry a lot about this because although the flood happens, their homes are not destroyed; family members do not meet their end. Damages from the flooding are not so serious that people will not have to look for new living areas.

Finally, People who live near the industrial zone do not have to anxious about their health. This main reason is that forest needs carbon dioxide for photosynthesis; when a factory releases the carbon dioxide, the forest will absorb it and throw out in return oxygen which is an important source of an atmosphere for living. For example, in Thailand, a chemical factory which is situated in the outskirts of the city loft much carbon dioxide into an atmosphere; beside the factory, a large area of forest is so abundant that the forest can get enough carbon dioxide for photosynthesis and release oxygen which still make the surrounding environment clean.

In conclusion, it is unavoidable for people in a low land, an industrial site and even mountain to live a comfortable life without the forest because it can become sources of food and water for tribes, a natural barrage against natural destruction and a best way to reduce carbon dioxide.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Which is more important for success ------ [6]

Please revise my essay and provide feedback for me.
I need the feedback to improve my writing skill.
Thank you.

The essay question is
Which is more important for success: the natural ability you are born with or hard work? Explain your opinion, using specific reasons and examples.

To my view, both natural ability and hard working are equally important. Some people are born with intelligence to make things faster. Others are very industrious but do not have a good brain. By making the best choice, it depends on situations which need either natural talent or diligence.

In the first place, intelligent people are able to achieve their education goal very quickly in spite of little time for preparation. This is the case that always happens in many countries. In school, some students do not have to spend much time reading a book to ready for the exam. They always get a high score though not taking a tutorial course outside the classroom as did ambitious students. Moreover, when it comes to the scholarship, many naturally intelligent students always get the scholarship fund to study abroad despite an all-day relax before the exam. On the other hands, the hard-working students can not do as intelligent ones who take little times to pass the exam for scholarship because they are not able to remember knowledge only one time without a review.

In the second place, people with a normal brain spend more times learning things to gain success. For my family member, he my brother is not born with a good brain but try for an exam for the military school. He spent more than one year achieving his goal of becoming a soldier. During his preparation, he had to study hard and read many books both in school and in tutorial campus. He had no time to do his normal daily routines such as watching television, play football in the evening and play a computer. By contrast, intelligent people do not have to follow my brother's strategies. My brother said that his friends spent only two month passing the military exam. He was very surprised to hear this. This is the real difference between natural intelligence and perseverance.

Finally, if you enter the business arena, you have to use both your natural intelligence and diligence to survive. In the business world, many surrounding things changes quickly and you cannot sit and flip through various texts about business management. You have to spend much time analyzing your competitors all time. While keeping a close watch on them, you can use your natural intellect to read their minds, which is important to business success in the future.

In conclusion, People may think that natural intelligence is higher than working hard; however, if situations force you to use both of them to ensure success, you cannot avoid and try to put them to good use as much as possible.

Writing Feedback / academic essay for the important assessment of the English Curriculum. [3]

Can anyone help revise the essay and give me some feedback to prepare myself for the final essay

Teacher assigns me this topic to evaluate my writing skills before the final essay examination

An essay question is

Many people believe that wealthy nations should give financial and expert assistance to less-developed countries. What is your opinion? Give reasons

In my view, it is beneficial for rather-poor countries to receive financial and expert aids from developed nations. The reasons are to provide the standard of living for people, support the good governance and also escalate the efficiency of the local non-government organizations. By following these, the underdeveloped countries have the same development standard as the developed countries.

In the first place, a high standard of education will enable people to have a job with a good salary. As you know, the underdeveloped countries always do not have enough teachers, places for studying and facilities to favor self-learning. If these original things are replaced with better ones from the developed countries, they will have a better opportunity to educate their people so that they can work for multinational corporations.

In the second place, In addition to creating good education for citizens, new democratic approaches for the government will bring about the prosperity and stability. In Africa, many countries which lack of democracy are ruled by the junta. To solve these problems, the developed nations have to send professionals to the underdeveloped countries to establish a politic school to educate everyone who want to enter the politic arena; hence, they can become a good ruler of the country.

Finally, beyond the government support, the local non government organization will get full scholarship fund for its people to study abroad, and then apply modern knowledge to develop their own countries. For example, Thai environmentalists responsible for the global warming as a result of the car emissions are selected and qualified to get a scholarship to continue Master Degree or Doctorate in the developed countries. After graduation, The Thai environmentalists will take new knowledge about how to reduce the emissions to cope with the pollution problems in Thailand.

To sum up, the prospects for developing the less-developed countries are possible if the fully-developed nations are willing to give aids. The better living standard is not enough; both the government and the non-government organization must be considered and changed after all to keep up with the advancement of the developed countries.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay---a library is a good place for studying [11]

Do you agree or disagree with the statement that a library is a good place for study? Use your reasons and specific examples to support your idea.

Could you revise my essay and give me some feedback. thank you

To my view, a library is a good place for school students. The students who spend an extra time on learning after a regular class find the library satisfying due to online materials, books on shelves and a good atmosphere.

First, Students can surf the internet for online materials to support studying outside a classroom. Students do not have to pay money because an internet service is available to them without charge. They just type a password of the student card on a computer code interface so that they will be able to access to online learning sources. Moreover, there are many computers around the library; therefore, they do not have to rush to play a computer early morning. Also, an internet service is based on a broadband network, of which the speed is faster than any other. This is so appropriate that students will be able to quickly learn through online classes.

Second, students can search for books which are useful to self-learning. There are several books on various subjects. Because of this, they do not get riled up only because of no preferred textbooks. Furthermore, students do not have to pay money to find a textbook in a library to read and practice exercises inside the textbook.

Finally, students pay off if they spend extra times studying in a library due to a good atmosphere. Students feel comfortable while reading a book in a library. An air conditioning system releases cold air which the students are fond of in order to support extra learning exercises. Besides, there are no sounds which affect students' learning beyond a regular basis because it is one of the library's rules to punish everyone who make a noisy sound.

In conclusion, when finishing a normal class, students who think learning in class is not enough and still want to increase more time to study can go to a library which has a proper temperature to find books and even look for online materials to help do school assignments.

Writing Feedback / A formal education is the problem of my hometown - I would try to eliminate it [6]

I try my draft in an arguementative style. I spend around one hour to finish the essay because it is very difficult.

Please revise my essay and give me feedback on how to improve a better arguementative essay. Thank you

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

To my view, a formal education is a problem of my hometown. As it is located in a rural area, my hometown does not have enough professional personnel, appropriate places for studying and facilities to support learning. By improving these, people have a better opportunity to get educational rights equal to people who live in a city.

In the first place, there are no qualified and experienced teachers. Today monks have a main responsibility to educate and train people to serve a society. Although this is suitable, it is not enough for local people to learn as much as people in a city because they are taught by well-known instructors who graduate from famous universities. To solve this problem, the government has to find and send expert lecturers to my local hometown to help monks teach local people, which can provide the same educational standard as other people in a city.

In the second place, there are unsuitable places for people to study. As my hometown is located in a mountain area, it is difficult for people to have a comfortable school, compared to a city. To bring an end to this problem, the government has to develop necessary infrastructure to support building a lot more schools by creating road which takes a short time to walk to school and an electricity generator which help make an educational atmosphere comfortable. Moreover, the community center where people alway gather can be used as an school. By doing these, people have choices to choose their studying places as do other people in a city.

Finally there are not abundant tools to flavor the formal education. In my hometown, no ample educational equipment such as a computer system serves as a basis to give help to in-class studying such as a slide projector and a video player. There are no sources of online materials as an alternative for local people to choose as do others in a city. To tackle these, the government has to equally distribute these kinds of technology to my hometown in order that people have a good chance to learn as much as other people in a city.

In conclusion, problems with a educational standard between a city and a rural area will be eliminated if the government comes with a final decisions to produce qualifying graduates to give educational support to local people, develop basic things to make learning in a school comfortable and supply my hometown with technologies for the same educational standard as it does in a city.

Writing Feedback / When a huge factory is built, the job demand is high, and it attracts thousand persons to move there [6]

Toefl Essay Building a large factory near your community

Why my previous thread of this topic has been deleted; hence, i will submit my essay again. I do not break the rule of the essayforum.

An question essay is a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

To my view, building a large factory is beneficial for a company in terms of investment. Although a big factory beside the community contributes huge economic benefits, I prefer not to have it built. It has some environmental setbacks to be concerned about.

First, people are by more employment and more levies are used to develop the community. When a huge factory is built, the job demand is so high that it attracts thousand persons who live in neighboring areas to move in a new house to get a better living standard, therefore, people can live a happy and comfortable life. Moreover, the government can collect more tax from the factory in order to improve the community by creating infrastructure such as electricity and road, leading to the community sprawl in the end.

Second, people cannot avoid pollution threats which result in health concerns. Long after the establishment of a big factory, citizens are affected by bad pollution from air, water and noise. To be specific, the temperature is too hot for the citizens to live because the factory throws out hazardous substances such as CFC and carbon; water is contaminated by released dirty materials and noise is able to disturb daily activities. Therefore, people who live near the factory have serious diseases like headache, stomachache and respiratory ailments.

Finally, I do not want a large factory close to my community due to bad pollution problems. If the factory is allowed to be built in my hometown, I will be unavoidably affected by air and noise. I cannot lead a happy life provided I have to smell odors released by the factory everyday while going for a walk around the community. I also cannot follow my daily schedule owing to harsh noise. I am not able to read a book, do homework, and even take my dog for a walk in the morning.

In conclusion, despite the fact that building a large factory is agreeable to other people who want to make progress in their career, I do dissent from that because there are negative factors concerning and environment and health issues which will be debated in the future.

Could anyone check my essay. Thank you