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Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 433  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 440 / page 4 of 11
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Llamapoop123   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

Yes," I said to myself as joy that could only come by means of perseverance rushed through my body like water that had just triumphed over a damn.

^Huh? I think that you mean "dam". The comparison here doesn't really work for me.

You need to include what you actually do in the club.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "Perseverance...sacrifice...selflessness..." - COMMON APP MAIN ESSAY [7]

I would recommend you not completely rewrite this. Just condense it so that you can fit in what your mother's determination has taught you.

Edit: Because it is a very gripping (and slightly disturbing) tale and I feel that you tell it well.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "1...2...BOOM!"- Common app [9]

Oh boy...
If you chose to put your actual name on your account you would not be experiencing this problem.

Can't colleges see that, if they took a second to look?

^The only thing colleges will see is your effort to make your essay better for their admissions.

So basically, you only recieve good essay help if you have the money to pay, and if you don't, the site isn't truly "free" because posting anything up will make it available for the masses to use.

^What other people do is their business. Essayforum.com is FREE. You don't need to pay to get advice. How much more free can it get? Your essay is not for "the masses to use". It is for the masses to learn from. It's is not only free, it's fair.

If your name was here then perhaps idiots would be less motivated to copy.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Northwestern University Transfer Essay [9]

Im trying to say that I was predestined to attend NW, but that is something about me that other transfers don't have.

^That seems quite silly to me. The fact that you were born in the University hospital really doesn't make you a better applicant unless NW's hospital injected you with special intellegence boosting drug.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Northwestern University Transfer Essay [9]

Few applicants have the luxury of saying that the first college they want to attend is the same place they first open their eyes.

^Luxury? I'm confused. Are you trying to imply that you are predestined to attend Northwestern?

My freshman and sophomore years I reflect on as being learning experiences and my junior and senior years as being more focused and dedicated.

^There is something awkward about this sentence structure.

Diversity in learning allows for diversity in life. Coming from a diverse African American background myself, I value universities that promote the same.

^What?

Northwestern's vast courses

^Vast assortment of courses.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "swim coach" - Person of influence. Common App [7]

liebe, simone, and noto and llama

You forgot Sean :[

in a nut shell, your essay talks too much about your coach. im proabably sounding like a broekn record or a hacker on this forum saying the same thing, but o wells; im gonna say it again.

^It's because many who post on this site take the same incorrect approach.

This school has 5 or 6 short essays and profile questions and I feel like I've been writing about myself way too much

^That's because they want to know you as much as possible. I don't think that colleges would want you to write short essays about yourself and then write a long essay on someone else.

He's taught the important things, like how to be dedicated, committed, and how to make time for what you need to do. He taught us how swimming was like driving a racecar, how to drive while writing on a pad of paper, the value of tough love and how to be confident in ourselves.

^This is a good place to add in examples of what you have learned from him. Cut down on the description of your coach. I like your introduction but big section about the shows that your coach watches does not contribute.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay Recounting a "Moment In Time" [5]

I love writing these essays!

Your essay does not answer the prompt. You describe the entire procedure in your third paragraph rather than a moment in time. Your essay does not have the qualities of a descriptive piece. You need to focus on the decription of your surroundings rather than the event itself.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]

okayy, so i competed at this national pageant one time, and this girl asked my mom her opinion on her speech. she got on stage (it was at night so most ple were sleep or gone or w.e.) and did her speech on peer pressure. my mom told her "your speech is boring"

^Your mom sounds like a G.

It bothered me that as an American people had so much trouble accepting this very things that gave me identity in the world.

^Just because they cannot pronouce your name does not mean that they do not accept your identity.

I'm going to add my voice to the group and say that this essay needs to be trimmed.

Now don't be discouraged. You have the writing skill to make this a good piece. Don't try to capture everything about your trips to India. I like the airport idea ;)
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

hyperbole much? lol :P i mean maybe one of the top for medical stuff, but i mean dont exaggerate lol :P. i would consider taking this out.

^Not really. It is ranked among the top 150 in the world. It is no where near as intensive as schools like Chicago and MIT but it is still top in a sense.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "My parents focused on helping me" - UCF application [11]

My family has been a big influence on who I am over the past 17 years of my life.

^Wonderfully boring way to begin your essay. I wonder how many others will start their essays with something like this.

For all my projects and homework my mom would help keep me on track and concentrated to finish it on time with my best possible effort. During my junior year I encountered problems in my math class. My dad would often help review my work and my mom suggested I attend after school help to improve my education. My parents were the most helpful around the time I took my SATS, they hired a tutor and signed me up for SAT extra help.

^This just makes you seem dependent and immature.

Their morals also play a role in the people I become friends with because I look for friends with similar morals and interests.

^You do not befriend people who have different interests?

With all the help I have recieved from my parents throughout my high school life, I believe I am ready to take on college.

^It seems that you have never taken initiative in high school. I wonder how you will fair in college.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Assisting others without compensation' - FSU Admissions [7]

Your average Joe couldn't take these three words and explain their relevance. This is because your average Joe is not suited to be a Seminole.

^You would be in big trouble if your admissions officer's name is Joe. I don't understand why you choose the name Joe. This idea is degrading even if you took out the name anyway.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / " Vires, Artes, Mores" -FSU topic [3]

Either give an example in your third paragraph in order to expand your ideas or take it out so that you can expand your more important second paragraph.

Edit: At least take out the last paragraph or expand it because it is not a conclusion. You need a conclusion but do not end it with a summary of Vires, Artes, and Mores.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

You have somewhat of a vapid approach to this essay.

^Nice.

I am a Chinese who was raised in a small village from Malaysia, a place where is isolated from the bustling and flourishing city.

^I think that you need to idendify what type of creature you are also. Cityside or cities? Or is the original correct?

I can always see their wooden huts have been destroyed by the strong wind and flood by the rainstorm again and again.

^You mean that you "have seen"?

You still refer to college in general which will make Purdue feel :[
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay) [10]

explain how i were on the verge of quitting before your dad gave me the advice?

^It is not necessary but it would be nice to add it in order to emphasize the effect that your father's quote had on you.

you mean that i need to rewrite the essay

^I don't know. I just feel like the essay is weak since it deals with something so ordinary.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

When I started growing up, the situation seemed to become worsen and unstoppable.

As you grew up, not when you started growing up.

In fact, I believe that the fate of the earth is rested in our hand.

^You said that the situation seemed unstoppable to you in the previous sentence.

I always think that it is my responsibility to make our earth a better place to live.

^Redundant.

I have a dream. It is to be great and responsible civil engineer.

^Please no MLK Jr. Just merge these sentences.

I hope that I can fulfill my dream by enrolleding into the University of Wisconsin.

It is my responsibleility as a civil engineering to provide them a better place for living.

I had always been involved in activities both in and out of school. For years I have been physically active in schools. I had been the first class student in my secondary school for four years continuously. Besides maintaining good result in my class, I also had participated in many academic competitions.

^This paragraph has no point.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay) [10]

During the January of last year, I had further my study into my current college.

^You mean that you continued to study in your current college?

2

Spell out numbers.

semester 2

second semester.

I felt disheartened at the very first time, but I did not reflect on my mistakes and soon the situation became worsens .

I was veryfilled with remorse and regret as that was all due to my persistencet and arrogantce .

I felt ashamed to face my parents who have large expectation on me .

I thought my father would be very indignant and punish me.

^"very" should be avoided.

I started to change myself and working hard for my study.

^I started to study consistantly.

I successfully to pass both subjects and even got A- in the subject that I failed with a D+ last semester.

I'm still going to say that I am against this topic.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'German heritage in Maryland' - a draft for the short answer section - Common App [7]

Circa 1750, it is the oldest standing building in Frederick County, and one of the oldest of German heritage in Maryland.

I don't understand this sentence structure. Boxin, it is my name, and what a great name it is.

does it need to start off like story with a sort of philosophical meaning or is supposed to be a straight up explanation?

It doesn't have to be.

This is a fine response.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay [7]

Hmmm... Double negative there, but I bet you mean that you doubt anyone would deny that life is a journey. I deny that. The journey motif, often paired with the heroic quest motif, is a very common way of portraying life but certainly not the only way to see it.

Wow...whoops. I was seeing it through the literal definition of a journey which is getting from one place to another.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Don't just say it, do it", says my DAD; Person who had a significant influence on me [5]

When you are talking about your father's past use past tense.

I remember the times when my dad injured his armpit, and later on the armpit got infected, but he still have to work.

^He injured it multiple times? You need to have your tenses agree.

You have a good draft here. At least it answers the prompt. You need to mention that you always depended on your father earlier and then show how you have changed from that dependent girl into someone who wants to help her father through the series of quotes and events that you describe in your essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay) [10]

During the January of last year, I was further my study into my current college, Inti International University College. I was first enrolled into an Intensive English Course due to my poor predominate of English Language. It is limited to take one major subject only for students who take Intensive English Course. Thus, I have lots of free time in my time table.

This is very confusing. You were enrolled in an intensive English course because you were bad at the language? The following sentence doesn't click with me either.

I read the rest of your essay and I'm not sure if this is a great topic to use because it requires repeating information found on your application already. If your set on using this experience, explain how you were on the verge of quitting before your dad gave you the advice.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

she liked how I started in specifically

Hmmm. The first part of your essay would be fine if it lead up to something that answered the prompt. The second part of your essay is valid but the first part only talks about how you discovered UCF, which has nothing to do with the second part or the prompt.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

Anyway, shannyn92 we don't want to put you down. Quite frankly everyone who posts on essayforum.com should be thanked because they are what keeps this site up and running. We sincerely want to help you with your essay. This site would be useless if everybody who posted here wrote a perfect essay. We don't want to insult it to show how superior we are (I'm can't write much better than you anyway).
Llamapoop123   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

I do not think that I was being rude. I was merely pointing out things that I did not like about your essay. It would be rude if I told you that your essay sucked and that you should go cry in shame.

Edit: I just don't like your approach. Nothing rude about it.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

Aside from academic reasons, UCF is a relatively new and beautiful campus with what seems like a lot of potential to become a top notch school.

So what if it doesn't become a top-notch school in general?

I vividly remember the day I picked up U.S. .

This has nothing to do with why you want to go to UCF. This only shows how you discovered UCF, which is pretty much a waste of space.

What is the prompt?
To tell you the truth, I really dislike this approach.

I was interested in reading about schools that may not be nationally known yet, but have the potential to become a school people would talk about.

What do you mean by "nationally known"? We have seen many UCF essays on this website this summer. I would say that UCF is very well known.

There is quite possibly no place better to hone my hospitality knowledge than a city that is the home of huge attractions such as Disney World and Universal Studios.

There are better places.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Experience relating to religious diversity as a response to an admission prompt? [6]

"Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences."
I would think that religion deserves its own category but it is not included. This shows that UofM either does not want you to write about religion or that it wants you to write about it in a way that fits into these three categories.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

I was thinking about using this piece as a springboard for my Stanford essay also. Something along the lines of bringing writings like this to life and how Stanford would help me do that...

Ok idea? Suggestions?
Llamapoop123   
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Exhibit Me --> Being a unique individual, I uphold specific beliefs [5]

In addition, the discourse of family is further emphasised through the red heart shaped arrangement of these photos and the presence of the colour red to represent the close linkage of love shared between my family and me .

^Hearts are self-explainatory.

My family is what supports me, without them I cannot function.

^I do not like this summarizing statement.

Family is one of the most significant factors contributing to my attitudes, values and beliefs.

^Your paragraph funtions without this.

The text, "One is all, all is one", clearly depicts my personal values of culture. As a result of this value, one of my primary beliefs is that all men are created equally in spite of their racial differences. I believe the society functions as a whole, and all individuals function together to create society.

^I don't think that this is necessary.

Every person has their own personal values, beliefs and philosophy that they live by. To me, [quote=Megumi]

[quote=Megumi]It is my faith towards God that shaped my morals and behaviour.

^I dislike these statements and believe that your essay can function without them. Especially since you expand on these statements later on anyway.

If we desperately search for immortality and fear of death, then what is the difference between us and the lifeless and emotionless stones?

^The difference is stones do not fear things. I doubt that anybody in the 21st century searches for immortality. You imply that we search for the fear of death in this sentence as written.

In my opinion, death is the ticket that we have to pay for entering this world, to experience the joy and excitements of living.

Thus for myself, death is an insignificant tribute to pay compared to the wonderful experience that this world has to offer me.

^A little redundant.

Religion has definitely shaped my attitudes, values and beliefs.

^Again.

I am a person who conforms to the general beliefs of the public and yet functions as a unique individual according to my own will.

^Very mature.

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