Writing Feedback / School Uniforms would decrease the violence in schools: GRE Perspective Essay [3]

Enforcing uniforms in public and private schools alike, would be a...

It would not only reduce the episodes of constant teasing and satirical remarks, but also would ultimately be proven to enhance the focus and attention of students on the learning material in the classroom. setting.

In an interview aired recently on the television, psychologists from three different countries, the United States, Russia and Japan, ...

Personal attire contributes to the type of friends these children ultimately make, and dictates the cliques they join.

Creating a setting where all the school children view each other with wear similar outfits, will help ...

Furthermore, since some students can afford purchasing brand-name products...

This is hardly an environment which nourishes the minds of tomorrow, and is not conducive to raising emotionally stable adults. into our communities.

This is a key point when taking into account the possible alternate ways of putting this time in to beneficial use,...

You made some great points! I wore a school uniform for 2 years, and it was not so bad.

:)

Book Reports / "the pearl" by john steinbeck and i need help starting a thesis statement [5]

um, your job is to read the story and write the essay! Then post your essay here, and we'll take a look at it. It'll be fun, Steinbeck is great.

Writing Feedback / Luxury goods market is on the decline: GRE argument essay [2]

The argument argues...this doesn't sound right. How about 'The argument is that...?

that due to the declining state of the global economy, retailers should be focusing more rapt attention regarding the essential items, crucial for all households, and abstain from promoting luxury products.

Such products may be re deemed life-saving for some, and it...

It would be a good investment and completely worth the money.This doesn't seem to make sense.

Furthermore, it is assumed that a rapt attention directed towards the lower-priced markets would actually be effective and would increase revenues.

Finally, cases of an increased attention, successful in turning back the economy around, should have been highlighted and the measures taken pointed out.

Graduate / MS in Advanced computing science: Statement of purpose (non-native speaker). [4]

Before explaining my intentions to pursue MS in Advanced computing science at X university, I'd like to shed some light on my career up until now.

During my undergraduate studies I found many subjects fascinating, especially computer science , computer applications (advanced C and OOP using C++) and math courses.

Over the past three years, after graduating, I further developed my interest in computer programming and computing science as well, software written by such as ...It seems like you should start a new sentence right in here, to make what you are saying easier to understand.

During my graduate studies, I hope to explore the fields of algorithm design, parallel and Distributed Computing as well, because I feel that this program has been designed to give me insight into the world of academic and industrial computing research.

... to develop the skills necessary to carry out innovative work within the discipline of computing, I chose this program in particular because it fits my personal future needs as well as my career needs(my current job).

Graduate / The physical therapy profession: Graduate Admissions Essay for DPT [3]

Fortunately, that never became a reality for either of us. (I just thought it sounded better like this) :)

For most, it can be a difficult one, but for me it was simple.

I knew this was the opportunity of a lifetime to fulfill my long ago dream of becoming a physical therapist.

At my previous jobs, I have worked in the...

The more I investigated, the more certain I became that I was intended to be a physical therapist regardless of what it took.

To be honest , the thought of returning to school was intimidating, but I hit the ground running.

Learning about the intricate, delicate structures and functions of the human body was mesmerizing.I'm assuming this was the word you meant to write (?)

The last experience I had was working with a therapist in an ...

I am extremely hard working and dedicated, but also have a sense of humor that helps people relate to me.

... because I know that I will continue to be enthused---this seems like it should be 'enthusiastic', but I could be wrong about it. and passionate about this field and would love the opportunity to make a difference in the physical therapy community.

Your essay is great, and I think you definitely covered all five factors! Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Illustration Essay - "A Look Into My Life Through Obstacles" - feedback [4]

Quitting high school was one of the most terrible decisions I have ever made.

With just four months left until graduation, I decided to quit school and move out of my parent's house and in with who was my boyfriend at the time, due to increasing tension and problems with my father.

Finishing high school, getting over my fear of bridges, and deciding to further my education are all hurdles that have helped shape who I am today, and those experiences will help me to overcome future obstacles.

Good essay, and good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / "brave heroes", English GCSE Creative Writing about Anything [3]

As I lied there trying to get some sleep, I thought to myself "Why the hell did I sign up for this?"

I had been under the impression it would have been more like playing soldiers; like when I was a boy down at the river side, with sticks as guns and pine cones as grenades, when if someone died they got back up to fight again another time. No one gets up here. This is really great writing!

After some time you get used to the smell of the the hundreds of thousands ...this sounds excessive of rotting and decomposing corpses...

There is one thing that still makes me shiver every time I see it; the eyes of the dead men, women and children with the pain still tattooed on their faces for the world to see, eyes that seem as if they are looking deep into you as if they were judging me as a person. I hope that they were able to find some good in me.this would make sense if you write that you have nightmares of it.

We have no time to bury our personal savior .

That the mustered gas ...I don't think they still use this.

Then all of a sudden there is a boom that I have never heard on my river bank before, a tree branch has fallen into the water by me and covered me from head to toe in water.

Writing Feedback / discuss the changes in society which have an efect on teenagers? [4]

changes in the society are inevitable.A society cannot remain static...How about like this;

A society cannot remain static, as change is inevitable.

C hanges are intrinsic for the ultimate progress of the society.

being part of this fast moving and sophisticated world, the teenagers are mostly affected due to drastic changes.

Don't forget that you're supposed to 'discuss the changes which have an effect..."

Writing Feedback / A paragraph about something that makes me angry. [2]

Having picnics at beaches and lakes is not enjoyable because of sickening smells.

"Unenjoyable" is not in my dictionary, but it seems like it should be a word! I suggest using 'not enjoyable,' though it may be alright to use 'unenjoyable.' I'm not sure.

Plastic cups and cases are spattered on the green lawn, although a lot of trash barrels are spread throughout the garden.

The most enraging scene is when I see some people arrive to the trash barrel , but they put the trash next to it on the ground.

Moreover, some of them throw tissues and water bottles out of windows while driving cars.

All these behaviors signify their selfishness and carelessness concerning others' rights, and there are no hard fines charged to them.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Are there times when lying is acceptable? [2]

Since childhood, we have been told that we should be honest no matter what happens.

A lie can be acceptable if it is said to avoid hurting someone's feeling. For instance, if a girl asks her friend weather or not she looks good in her new dress, her friend would be justified to lie and say that she does, even though she doesn't, and she would be lying to avoid hurting her friend's feelings.

. If a patient that is ready to be operated on , asks his doctor if he would be okay, although the chances of survival may be little, it would be acceptable for the doctor to lie and say that everything would be alright as it will encourage the patient to keep fighting for his life.

Moreover, telling a lie so as to save a person's life is again acceptable.

For example, in a war, people are forced to lie in front of their enemies in order to save their companions' lives. Could you use an example here?

In conclusion, I would say that the truth is a good thing, but sometimes it's not the best one.
You made some great points!

:)

Undergraduate / cheerleading: Common Application Short Answer [2]

'Just yell,' they said. Little did they know that cheer- leading requires endurance, strength and flexibility.

Although I lacked flexibility and coordination, my mind told me that cheer-leading was my only way out of the dejection I'd felt.

This is great, I could hardly find any corrections to make!
good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'Love, money, career and faith in God' IELTS Happiness essay [4]

Happiness is something we all desire, but not many achieve . I don't think this sounds right, as many people ARE happy! Should you say, "...but not everyone achieves?"

There is no universally accepted definition of happiness, as its coordinates differ from one to another.

Therefore, it is difficult to define happiness, but I think every one would agree with this: happiness consists in and is strongly connected with the things that makes us happy.

Love, money, career and faith in God are the factors generally mentioned/agreed upon , as important in achieving happiness.

Great ending!
Good luck in school.
:)

Undergraduate / Music that has developed you... rate and give advice [2]

...an entirely new entity, but usually they had so many similarities and could easily be written off as boring. How do you feel about ending this sentence here? Then you can start another, so it won't be too long or confusing.

Classical music by those who don't appreciate it,...this doesn't make sense! How about; Not everyone appreciates classical music...
I would say it was the most memorable work of music, not only for me, but for the rest of my colleagues as well; that it just how much it defied all expectations.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - Bioinformatics [4]

In Putonti's lab, I've developed algorithms and scripts for raw data handling of experimental results and manipulated data from existing databases,...

The genomics course from last semester has also sparked a new-found interest in genome analysis.

... just browsing through the course catalog piques my curiosity.

Another reason I'd like to pursue a M.S. at JHU is because of the flexibility the program offers, without compromising the quality of education.

I know the flexibility JHU's online program would be of great benefit to me, since I can finish...

.. she explained to me that it would be possible to waive core courses so that I can invest my education in more "concentrated classes" and electives.

... I've been interested in understanding the genomic data, and also interested in the ambition to eventually using it for improving health-care .

I plan on applying for their summer internship in 2011, and I hope to use the research experience and apply it at JHU.

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Comparison of two cars [10]

Hey, good job poking holes in that sales pitch, I couldn't think of anything!

But The comparisons and the resulting assessment made by the author, that the model Sloda is a superior car than Cosmic, is not justified.

There are many flaws in the argument which must be resolved.

Therefore, the conclusion that Sloda uses less fuel is flawed, as the author does not provide any...

Another flaw in the authors line of reasoning is in the statement concerning the resale value.

So a A new car usually has a higher resale value than an older one, h ence, the higher resale value of the author's Sloda than her neighbour's Cosmic V2 cannot be considered as a significant factor because the condition of the cars at the time of resale is unknown.

In conclusion, the author's argument seems a bit too prejudiced to be taken seriously.

Undergraduate / "to fit the expectations of others" uc- Being a twin [3]

My brother is an enormous part of my world, much like I am a part of his. andWe have shaped and molded each other to fit into what the other may need, whether it be a friend or an enemy.

My parents constantly paint him as the angel in distress, while I am Lucifer, his enabler. This is great, you're a very good writer!

I have always known that Ricky was smarter, but constantly being told that, took its toll.

I never once felt like being a twin was a burden until I became aware of all of these latent emotions, and luck be damned that they at came at the turbulent time known as adolescence.

My world has consisted of a set of ordinances that had been set forth because I was a female twin- m y curfew was eleven while Ricky's was midnight, I had to cook, while he cut the grass

Would they be enough to please those who made the comparisons?

The constant defensiveness I had when it came to defending my fight? against ill-advised comparisons, made me stand more fortified in what I knew I wanted to do and be.

Writing Feedback / GRE (Analysis of an argument): Handing over security job of a company to a group [8]

...or if the owners are constantly worried about the state of their equipments .

However, the decision made by Omax Industries to let Tough Securities take over its security concerns without considering all the facts may lead to harmful lapses.

Firstly , the statement does not mention anything about the arms ? 'arms' doesn't sound right. used by Tough Securities.

A lack of state-of-the-art equipments may negate the advantages of having large personnel numbers.

Also, employing less people may result in better communication...

Secondly, it is not clear as to whether Tough Securities have handled jobs similar to the one required by Omax Industries.

Working in an incompatible environment ...incompatible with what?

It is admirable that more than one third of the force is made up of defense personnel, bu t it doesn't change the reality that a physically unfit force, however ...

Handing over the security responsibilities to Tough Securities may turn out to be the best decision made by Omax Industries.

Undergraduate / ''journey to be oneself'' - LMU Essay Prompt [2]

God has given every individual a personal calling and it is through this that we are able to obtain true happiness. How about like this;

God has given every individual a personal calling, and it is through this calling that we are able to obtain true happiness.

God declares that afflictions are inevitable, but I am firmly convinced that He would not endow ...(I don't think 'endow' is the right word here)... us with hardships ...

I have discovered it is through ventures of painsuffering, that we are able to appreciate the beauty that constructsnot the right word here either our every day lives .

Fr.Robert Lawton affirmed that we all have feelings of insecurity .

We all have an innate desire to belong, and in this quest for acceptance,...

The journey to become deeply and fully ourselves seems the riskiest because we do not know what the final outcome will be, nor does it come with a map. Nice!

Writing Feedback / 'cultural monuments' Why people visit a museum while visiting a new place? [5]

Cultural, traditional, as well as religious variation occurs from place to place and these factors don't change in one day.

It's taken a long time to create culture and tradition,...

and which were in a reforming trend from the time of our ancestor and in a museum all those documentation and heritage proof are kept from which we come to know about all this thing.This should be revised for clarity, it's very hard to follow.

To learn more about these things , visitors always go to a museum.

In some cases it becomes a famous tourist spot...

In ancient times, many travelers used to visit different kingdoms and write manuscript which gives detailed knowledge about the place of that time.

Its cultural, political, traditional history, about our ancestors , their lifestyle, food, dress etc. Now these scripts are preserved in museums for the public.

Undergraduate / 'flourish in this challenging world' How family, culture influenced who you are? [5]

Neither of my parents ever had any guidance throughout school, and not enough money to go to college.

I have lived in South Florida all my life along with my family.

Due to having a mother who truly cares about me and to ensure that I go to college , I've had superior grades ever since I started school.

Aside from my education, I've had an extreme passion for dance throughout my life.

Because of taking these courses, I feel prepared and confident of the next big step after...

I chose UCF because it is a well-known university,...

Undergraduate / How and Why: understanding scientific findings [7]

I think it would be fine to pose those questions, they show your passion for learning and also that you are a unique and interesting writer.

Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Factors contributing to job satisfaction and its importance [5]

Job satisfaction is really a big factor for a professionals because it brings enjoyment while working, which in turns brings happiness in life.

Job satisfaction basically depends upon two most important factors.

The first is salary,and the second is the work environment, which includes work culture, nature of work, colleagues etc.

People working with a middle class background are generally influenced by the first factor, the salary .

Before modernization, people worked without knowing about job satisfaction.

For some people, it's just a source of income but for others its more than that.

A man with a very healthy pay may not be satisfied with a job where he did not find a suitable working environment.
In fact there are people who spend their lives working with the same organization without thinking about satisfaction.

On the other hand, some people switch jobs in search of satisfaction.

Finally I like to conclude that it's very difficult to get satisfied with one individuals professional life.
Are you saying that it's difficult to be happy with any job?

Graduate / Academic Statement of Purpose for PhD program of Chemical Engineering [5]

Chemistry, however, is not the major I chose in college.

After years of study, I have developed a great interest in basic sciences and mathematics, and I was amazed by the role they played.

Besides, as an engineer, I would be capable of creating innovations and solving technological problems, which would impact the lives of common man in surprising ways. (for example?)

This way of learning allowed me to become familiar not only with the core courses mentioned above, but also quite a few courses not offered to students of majoring in chemical engineering,...

And later I was allowed to continue my study as a graduate student without taking the qualification exam due to academic excellence. That's great!!

...have spent a year in our lab, getting familiar with all the equipments and research methods, which are not available for undergraduate students.

This research background may give me important advantages over other applicants. I would not say this, as it makes you sound sort of um,...well, don't say 'over other applicants', say ''may improve my chances of being accepted..."

Undergraduate / How and Why: understanding scientific findings [7]

When I was a kid, my questions were always based on ''How and Why''; How to airplanes fly?

I was in a hunger of scientific findings and luckily,enough there were always people to help me.

I came to know about Aerofoil and Aerodynamics as a whole, which gave me a little knowledge on how airplanes fly.

Also I realized that its the transfer...

... transfer their vibration and momentum to the neighbouring electron nearly at the speed of light. Thats why electricity travels so fast!

...the hunger to d iscover more, l earn what I don't know and search for more knowledge, a nd later on a pply these results on the development of Science and Technology in my country.

That's why, I would really like to be placed in either Computer Science course, T elecommunication Engineering course,Engineering and Economics course or any Electronic science course at one of your esteemed College.

Undergraduate / A time that I overcome problems: From Pakistan to America [3]

Only when we overcome these problems, are we able to grow up.

Tracing back to three months ago, when I first came to America, I couldn't adjust myself to life surrounding me.

The new environment, new people and new language were all unfamiliar to me at all , so it took me a long time to get accustomed to them .

However, this boy was locked up in the carpet factory for almost 6 years, and he 'wasn't desperate'. How about 'never gave up hope'?

After escaping from the 'jail' at the age of 10, he was freed by an organization against child labor. He gave out a lot of speeches about children labor all around the world.

He helps me overcome the shadows in my life and gives me my philosophy about me life; "Life can never be smooth; it's for you to determine".

Writing Feedback / Do changes that make our lives easier not neccessarily make them better? [4]

Technology may sometimes be helpful, but causes a lack of communication for those who live in this generation .

People today rely more on calculators, phones ; should this say email?

, and computers to do the things we don't...(this sentence seems incomplete.)
By not interacting verbally with others, many do not excel in communication.

We would then see how many people are lacking in such basic skills. (i.e. reading, writing, speaking publicly)

As great as technology can be, it can also be overwhelming .

Too much technology has allowed many people to get away with not learning simple skills that we were taught in elementary school .

I like your last sentence! You made some good points here!

Writing Feedback / pleasure and satisfaction: the pursuit of our desires or the attainment of them? [4]

You can't go from third person, (one's lifetime) to second person, (your desires) in the same sentence. Actually, it sounds better to me without the "during", or 'throughout' anything, because OF COURSE it's during our lifetime that anything happens to us! (just my opinion) ;^)

During one's lifetime, your desires always give you motivation to do better. The pursuit of your desires won't always be easy ; however, when you finally attain them after weathering any storm, you will find that your process of pursuing them made you even happier than their attainment. of them.

A principle figure in the music industry concerns Djingo, a guitar player.

By the age of eighteen, he had already gained enough practical skills to be regarded as a professional.

...when we finally land on the other side of the mountain and accomplish our goals , the joy of success will be more memorable than simply the attainment of it.

Nice essay! Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "The end depends on the beginning" - short & long term career goals [9]

... and many of my peers have experienced much success with programs similar to those I am pursuing.

After receiving my bachelor's degree, I hope to further advance my career opportunities by pursuing a master's degree.

"Finis origine pendet," the Roman poet Manlius wrote. "The end depends on the beginning." Success in life greatly depends on the how we are reared, and a major part of that is our education.

Attending college is an integral part of the education process. There was a time when someone with a good head on their shoulders was able to enter the business world without much difficulty.

I also wish to obtain leadership skills, insight, and the self-confidence required to meet the demands of real bu siness situations.

I also intend todevelop strong management skills and practical skills that will help me advance my leadership potential.

The ultimate goal of my career is to be able to vitalize the potential in me and prepare me...

Scholarship / medical technology: essay question for internship application [4]

Don't begin and end with quotation marks unless you're quoting someone else.

" The human element in the medical field is irreplaceable.

As a student in the health science field, I was (Are you still?) also interested in technology. was my other interest.

Technology will shape the future of mankind, and humanity touches individual lives.

A parallel progress in the advances of both medical knowledge, and techniques for promoting health care accessibility, will help build a healthy society.

After taking the laboratory and lecture courses in medical technology and realizing the importance of its impact on medicine, I was even more inspired.

In becoming a medical technologist, I will have more opportunities to be part of interdisciplinary team to save and enrich lives with my medical techniques.

I think at the end you should also mention humanity, that's why I wrote 'and enrich' into the last sentence. Good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / Perseverance, survival and cross-cultural sharing + Girl rescure - MBA Admissions [8]

To communicate with our local workers, I learned the local dialects of Dari and Pashto.

Being from a poor village, the child was sent by her parents to stay with her uncle, in hopes of a better education and upbringing.

I think that with these two experiences, you could write two novels! Excellent essays and very interesting reading.

:)

Writing Feedback / CAPE poetry essay, experiences of trauma in the Caribbean [3]

...discuss the extent to which you agree with this statement.

Poetry is often viewed as an outlet for emotional anxiety, because it elicits an emotional response...

In the same vein, humour within her poems also serves as a coping mechanism for feelings of inadequacy and torment, this is obvious in her poem "Hurricane Story, 1988."

Essays / Essay on my annual evaluation on "My favourite book" [4]

Do you already have a favorite book chosen to write about? If not, find a book written in your native language that has been translated to English, as with Eckhart Tolle's book called The Power of Now, which has been translated into many languages.

Write about why you chose the book you decide on, a body paragraph about the book, why it is your favorite...then send it back to us here for an edit.

Good luck!

:)

Grammar, Usage / Rephrase text about research paper (sentences) [9]

Here are a few...

At what age is a child considered competent enough to testify in court?

One of the purposes will be to determine at [b]what age a child could be considered a credible witness, able to testify at a court hearing.

Poetry / ESL art poem - Mona Lisa [9]

No, you are an excellent poet, please don't let one "teacher" stop you from writing. You know the saying, "those who can't do, teach"? Classic example.

Undergraduate / Texas App. Essay About Family [5]

...it is extremely difficult to gauge the impact that the people in my life have had on me.
Every person who I considered writing this essay about has, indeed, made a profound impact on my life. But who shall I say has made the greatest?

My life is not over yet. I have not yet met every person who will affect me as a person, and surely I have not yet seen or felt the full impact that the people I already know, can bring into my life.

Like my conscience , it is my baby sister who reminds me to make the right choices .

In dealing with others, I try to treat people like I would like my sister to be treated because I only want the best for her. The thought that I have a little girl who looks up to me always encourages me to do the right thing.This is great!

I believe that, so far, these people have made the greatest impact on my life and my decisions, and it is with these people that are most important to me.

Undergraduate / "I will be myself" - Describe the enviroment in which you were brought up. [3]

To be quite honest with you, I think you should start this over, because it will certainly leave a bad feeling about you with anyone who reads it. Your essay makes it sound as if you spent years in anguish and jealousy because of perhaps being a spoiled kid;

"...the only thing keeping me sane and hopeful throughout high school."
"Gnawing, scratching, and biting, screaming its calls for justice and equality."
"So close to the heavens I can taste their lives, their dropping sweat is the water that sustains the half life I live. I am miserable, so I look down to my own common people. How pathetic and ugly they are."

These things you wrote make it seem unbelievable that in the last week you matured and had an epiphany, as you wrote in the present tense;I am miserable, so I look down to my own common people. How pathetic and ugly they are."

You might be able to salvage some of this by writing just a little about how you USED to feel, but then use the bulk of your essay to say how silly you feel now, and how it must have broken your parents hearts that you've been so unhappy. How you realize now that there are people in the world with real problems, suffering over lack of food and shelter, no chance of an education at all...

Writing Feedback / "Is personal satisfaction the motivation for people to achieve?", covers point? [3]

It doesn't seem to me that you missed the point of the paper, and you used interesting examples. Here are a few minor things I found to correct though;

There are many examples of people who were either born into wealth and fame or worked their way to it, and two such examples, are William Borden and 50 Cent.

Instead, when his parents sent him on a tour around the world, he observed poverty and desired to become a missionary so he could help people (home.snu.edu).

One of his friends accused him of "throwing himself away as a missionary".

Although Will was a millionaire and could have spent his time amusing himself, he strove for the personal satisfaction that comes from obeying God's will.

Although money and fame are a driving motivation behind most of today's work force, personal satisfaction is the best motivation.

For example, 50 Cent, a rapper who started out poor and worked his way to riches, was quoted as saying, "I used to equate success...

Poetry / ESL art poem - Mona Lisa [9]

Oh my, I am blown away by your poetry. I was ready for a boring description of a painting, in poetry form, only to have the pleasure of reading this. I could only make a few suggestions, as you see here, but they are only suggestions. You are a unique and interesting writer! Awesome poem.

once I had a rabbit that resembled Shaq

it's moving in the bush

Is she...(should this word be 'it'?) a man or a woman or a basketball?

Is she looking (to see?)
if it is a rabbit or a basketball?

Scholarship / "Discuss personal and family Financial Need" UTA scholarship [4]

My parents weren't in high end paying jobs or some professional doctors, but they were extremely caring and hard-working.

Sometimes it would be long time where I wouldn't even be able to have more than a simple greeting with my father.

Since I gained another two siblings, supporting four kids has gotten more difficult, especially since my father is the only one working now to provide for all six of us.

Right now, my mother can barely walk; after she had given birth, her bones have weakened and also she also has internal problems that need surgery.

I want my parents to be proud and feel fulfilled that what they did for me did not go to waste.

Already, I have prepared what I need to do to get ready for medical school, and have even planned to self study for topics on the MCAT by going to the library...

Great heartfelt essay. I hope everything works out for you, good luck in school!

: )

Poetry / Mirroring poetry [3]

All I can say is that you did a fine job, you are an excellent poet.
Good luck in school!

: )