Undergraduate / Developing new kinds of materials is a significant part of a chemical engineers job [2]

Your essay is quite effective in the way that it answers the prompt. You have provided us with a clear idea as to how you plan to fully utilize the theoretical knowledge that you will gain from college and translate it into everyday use as an engineer. You made mention of graphene as a revolutionary material that people are unknowingly, and slowly coming to rely upon for various uses. An idea struck me as I read that part. Why don't you try to think out of the box and present is with a revolutionary idea, a method by which ordinary people can use the material that has not been thought of yet? That will be a direct supporting claim towards your statement that your ideas may seem revolutionary or even radical at the moment. By presenting a unique idea, you will have established the kind of mindset that sets the cutting edge engineers apart from the rest of the pack.

Undergraduate / My First Promotion Test - breaking three boards; Taekwondo [4]

Okay, the story is good as a personal realization of your adulthood. You learned to channel your emotions and control them, releasing your anger in a controlled and psychologically effective manner. That is what being an adult is all about. The problem, is that your essay lacks that sort of intellectual and emotional development in order to become as effective as it should be in a coming of age story. From the point where you recalled how you were bullied, etc,, try to find a way connect it to the way that Taekwondo helped you develop the mature sense of responsibility and self - control that has led to the adult way of thinking that you now have. I assume that you have developed a sense of maturity through your years of training? Show us how your teacher helped you achieve this level of maturity. Right now, your sense of maturity is somewhat clouded in the story. You need to build it up to lead into that moment when you broke he boards and then highlight how, at least in your martial community, you were then seen as an adult. They saw you as an adult for breaking the boards, you saw yourself as an adult because of the way you matured through the art.

Scholarship / The routine of my family - we are separated from ourselves. Gates Millennium Scholarship Essay [10]

Cut out your introductory paragraph. It is important to immediately tell your story. Setting it up the way that you did only takes attention away from the immediate response the essay requires. Dive immediately into the events that happened when you were eleven instead. Try to cut down a bit more on the part about your parents crossing the bridge and their deportation. Those should only be skimmed over. It should not be more than half the essay. The whole essay should concentrate more on how these events affected you academically and personally. After you present that information, show the maturity that has come with having to deal with the fact that you have had to grow up without your parents. At the moment, you really need to cut out your parents story from the essay. Remember, you need to present yourself as a person who has overcome obstacles, your obstacles, not your parents, in order to get to the point in your life where you are today. The less you talk about your parents travails and instead concentrate on building up the obstacles you were presented with (such as the suggestion of the agent which you failed to completely explain in the essay), the better written and prompt responsive your essay will be.

Undergraduate / Cooking for family - it means the world to me, I won't let that opportunity pass. [7]

Okay, there are two options to consider as important in your essay, family meal times and cooking. Which one is more important to you? I suggest you change your lead in to represent the more important of the two in order to create a much better hook for your paper. It is always important to reel in the reader by immediately presenting your response to the prompt and then working your way backwards. That means, give the definite answer to the prompt which in this case is "cooking" and then go back and explain why you had to learn how to cook and how cooking helped you bring and keep your family together. By doing that, you will have created an interesting foundation for your response which is sure to keep the admissions officer interested in what you have to say and what the explanation for your response is. Don't worry about the word count and grammar problems at this point. Let us first work on making the content as interesting as possible for the reader. Then we work on the formatting and other requirements / problems the essay needs.

Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

As I recall, we already edited this essay in the past. Why are you asking to have it reviewed and edited again? Are you going to use it for a different application? If you want to know if the "word that cannot be translated" essay can be used for this "What matters most to you" prompt, then the answer is yes. It works. Why does it work? It works because you have chosen to describe a character trait of yours which is uniquely Russian. It does not exist for others or if it does, it is not represented the same way. I would have liked to have seen a representation of the "samo" in you though. By presenting a clear example of how the word works in relation to you, you will be able to properly represent why "samo" matters most to you and why. I suggest that you revise the essay by removing the part referencing the great authors and instead, presenting an example of the applicability of "samo" in your life. Choose the most important moment when your "samo" presented itself and tell us how it worked out for you.

Undergraduate / Common App; The word suicide -- as I later found out -- is passed around in hushed voices [13]

What is clear to me as I read the essay is that the story being told is something about a person named Park and a suicide that possibly happened in his family. I got information about the statistics of suicide in Korea and I found out that you just learned about suicide at that point. If I were the admissions officer, I would wonder how this relates to your central identity since are obviously not Park. If I were the admissions officer, I would definitely set this aside for irrelevance to the prompt. I would not continue wasting my time reading about someone who is not the applicant. That is why I was suggesting the revision above. By placing your information at the top, you can hold the interest of the reader and ensure that he will be interested in reading everything that you wrote about the development of your central identity.

I truly apologize for the delay in my response and if it caused you any problems. I hope that you can apply the revisions I suggested to the essay, should you decide to use the same essay for a different central identity prompt at a different college. Of course my opinion about the paper may be different from the opinion of the admissions officers reading it so the current format may or may not work in your favor at this point. Nobody can really tell. I offer you my best wishes and good luck with your application :-)

Graduate / "Do it carefully and well as your work will be kept so long"; Moment that the accounting touched me [4]

The person who told you that is correct. A statement of purpose for graduate school is written in a more intricate level, way beyond the college experience. You have to consider that a masters degree applicant normally has at least 1.5 - 2 years minimum relevant work experience prior to applying for graduate school. That is the aspect of your professional life that matters most in the consideration of your application. There are 4 questions that can be considered the guiding light when writing these personal statements:

1. How long have you been working in your current position and how does your interest in this course relate to your work conditions?
2. Discuss the compelling personal and professional reasons that you have for advanced studies in accounting.
3. Do you have any relevant recent seminars or training in accounting that should be considered when reviewing your application? Please state them for the record and consideration of the admissions officer / committee.

4. Discuss how completing this particular course at LeBow will help you achieve your short and long term career goals.

Those are the topmost considerations made when your personal statement or statement of purpose is read for possible student consideration. By clearly responding to those queries, you will better your chances for consideration and possible admission into Drexel. Good luck with your revision. I look forward to reading it :-)

Graduate / I still feel I have barely scratched the surface of the gold mine of insights that information holds [2]

Okay, right off the bat, I have to correct the format of your essay. You do not need to use headings and sub-headings in the discussion of the paper. Also, your essay sounds more like a college major statement than a masters degree purpose statement. I would like to offer you some guidance in reference to the 4 required questions and answers that comprise a statement of purpose. The guiding questions you need to answer are as follows:

1. What is your current profession and how does the advance course you are applying to relate to it?
2. What is the purpose of your interest in graduate school? (Answers usually include job growth in terms of promotion, change of career in a related field, etc.)

3. How long have you been working in the current profession and what type of recent seminars and training have you attended in relation to your current position?

4. What are your short and long term goals? How will completing this degree help you achieve those goals?

The essay you wrote tells a great deal about your college background but not enough about your professional background to convince the admissions officer that you will be a good candidate for MIS studies. The purpose of this essay is to convince the reader that, despite your lack of relevant college education, they should take a chance on you and offer you an MIS student slot.

Try not to rely so much on your college experience as masters studies ask you to be experienced professionally. That means you have work acquired experience as opposed to the theoretical and little practical skills you develop while in college. I am sure that you can find a way to best connect your current work experience with your desire to pursue an IT related masters degree. You need only answer the 4 questions above in order to write an effective SOP. As you can see, there is a way that you can relate your undergraduate course with your masters, if you have the work experience and practical skills to support your desire to enroll in that course.

Undergraduate / My first orthodontic appointment was the time when I realized I want to pursue a career in dentistry [5]

The story about your grandmother does not relate to dentistry and as such will not help move your essay forward in a positive manner. I suggest that you skip that paragraph and go directly to the dental issues that you suffer from instead. After all, the most inspired medical or dental professional is the person who has suffered from the symptoms of the illness that the profession tries to treat. You are a clear example of that belief. Try to revise the essay to depict your interest in dentistry as having stemmed solely from your personal experience in the dentist's office. That would be one of the best methods of effectively approaching this essay.

Scholarship / The routine of my family - we are separated from ourselves. Gates Millennium Scholarship Essay [10]

Do not shout at the academic officer. Do not use an exclamation point at the end of your essay. Reword the sentence to deliver the same sentiment without shouting. Remember, this is an academic essay. There is no room for an overflow of emotions. You already allowed your emotions to show throughout your essay while discussing your parents story of deportation, which by the way, is not a story that this essay should be about. Rather, you should spin the same story to show how you personally overcame the odds that your parents illegal entry into the United States posed. Discussing more of your academic accomplishments while trying to balance the sadness of family separation with it. Right now this sounds like a plea for immigration regulation changes rather than an application for one of the most important scholarships in the country. Change the tone to one of understanding and a realization of how lucky you are to be given this chance. Tone down the immigration story if you can. Make this about you, not your parents.

Writing Feedback / Why do you do what you do? The point of reading is something every already reader knows [3]

Good answers. You have managed to not only explain why you read, but also offer the admissions officer an insight into the reasons you enjoy reading on an academic and social level. I would suggest that you don't end the essay with a question though. That is not something done in formal academic writing. You would need to offer a response in relation to the question if you pose a question towards the end of the concluding paragraph. Why don't you close the essay instead with an example of how being widely read has helped you both socially and academically instead? Playing on the common sense aspect that you wrote about and proving that being widely read has tremendous benefits on all fronts. I believe that your essay will greatly benefit from that kind of revision or addition, depending upon your word count :-)

Undergraduate / Singapore's MRT train - really all you could do is to wait patiently for your destination. [2]

It is good that you can reflect with such detail upon the learning experience that you have on the MRT. Why do you feel content while watching these people? The answer you have given is because you gain a learning experience from it. That is a good answer but I am not sure if it really reflects a sense of contentment on your part. Remember that the essay needs to refer to the contentment that you feel when you are in a certain place or environment. Perhaps you can expand better upon the sense of contentment that you gain from observing these people. Why do you feel content simply by watching them? I believe the answer to that lies in the way that you observe them. You are content because you can see the contentment in the attitude and body language of the people you are with. Those are things that need to be reflected in the final version of the essay in order to make it better adhere to the prompt.

Letters / awake "like a cucumber" - From Russia with love [5]

Alina, you need to explain what you mean by your being "like a cucumber", not everyone knows what that means :-) You need to double check for spelling errors. I caught a number of those (e.g. farther for FATHER) in the essay. You also mean to say "Roomie" not "Romie" which is American slang for roommate. Overall, good work on introducing yourself to your future roommate though. You sound like a bundle of nervous fun :-)

Undergraduate / Firstly, I would look to get a job at a renowned chemical company such as DuPont [4]

While this essay gives the traditional answer to the question, I believe that such an essay can also be answered in an out of the box manner. With a degree in Engineering, you will have the ability to effect positive changes in the world. So why not discuss how you might do that? Maybe present an idea for a new type of technology that will allow people to accomplish things that have not been accomplished yet. Think of the future of the world as you see it in your mind. What kind of social altering invention might you bring to reality in the future? Remember, the Ipad was only a dream for Steve Jobs till he worked on making it an Engineering reality. So think along those lines. Make your idea stand out and show the admissions officer the kind of innovative thinking that the future of society will benefit from once you graduate :-)

Undergraduate / Jade Bracelet - "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" [7]

Well this certainly paints a clear picture of the central development of your identity. While I still feel that too much description of your mother is being presented in the essay, I believe the essay still works better than the first one. Can't your mom just be a mention in the essay? I think you can better develop both your characters by bringing it full circle to the PLL scene that you mentioned at the start. Yes, I believe that will work. You have the "I love you" moment with your mom that you thought you could only dream of and through the breaking of the bracelet, you got your moment and a central identity building conversation with her at the same time. Do you think you can make it work out to meet that angle of presentation?

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

Pranith, when responding to an essay prompt, it is always in your best interest to only offer the information being asked for. Do not offer information not being requested because it could harm your application. How can it harm your essay? Well, what you think may be a plus in your essay could actually come across a negative to the reviewer. You never know what may be taken out of context with your essay so it is always best to stick as close as possible to the requirements of the prompt, no more, no less. There should be a separate essay prompt where the topic will be of your choosing where you will be given the opportunity to present this information to your benefit. However, if you choose to leave those parts in the essay, then so be it. The final form and content of the essay is yours to create :-)

Undergraduate / A computer engineering degree will enable me to explore much of the world; Life Goals APPLY TEXAS [9]

The new conclusion works very well with the earlier parts of the essay. You have managed to create a clear picture of how your past interests, current extra curricular activities, and your future interests are all intricately interwoven in your plans both present and future in relation to your academic interests. The fact that you have managed to create a solid connection between these activities, interests, and desires with your goal of studying engineering should be applauded. I am sure that your essay will be met with a positive attitude when you submit it :-)

Undergraduate / Unique Flavor to NYU - NYU AD Prompt - What can NYU offer you and what can you offer NYU [7]

This is definitely the kind of essay that best answers the prompt statement. I would like to request that you try to revise the first two paragraphs of your essay though. It sounds like a brochure from the university rather than your personal sentiments about what NYU - AD has to offer you in terms of its social landscape. Have you visited the university campus? It would help if you could tell the admissions officer a little about that experience and why you feel that NYU-AD has a number of things to offer you that other universities do not. By revising the first two paragraphs, you will see that you can immediately bring the word count down to the desired number.

Undergraduate / Common App; The word suicide -- as I later found out -- is passed around in hushed voices [13]

The essay is getting to the central identity part. The current problem, is that you open with a story from the past that does not seem to have a connection to your 14 year old self. One way of fixing that problem is by opening your essay with a reference to your being 14 and thinking of committing suicide. Connect those thoughts to the first time you heard about the word, without going into great detail about that person who killed himself. Lose the statistics about the rate of suicide in Korea that is not important to the admissions officer. The central theme of the story should be your thoughts about suicide, what made you reconsider committing suicide, and how you view suicide at present. Show us a growth and development in your sense of logic, understanding, and character owing to the events that you related. If you can perfect do that, we can then work on lessening the word count :-)

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

Lose the irrelevant parts about photography and the like. That is not required information from this essay and does not connect to your desire to learn more about computer programming. The best approach for this essay is to stay within track of the essay prompt. There is no set rule that says you have to come in at exactly the word count. In fact, if you can tell the admissions officers more about yourself in half the word count or a little close to the maximum, there is a chance that your paper will be better received. The overall content of the paper is applicable to the prompt and shows your keen interest in learning the more advanced courses based upon the "Why" of things as you call it. Just lose the extra curricular activities that don't relate to that interest and the paper will be ready for immediate use in my opinion :-)

Undergraduate / My work experience - is it too cheesy to write about my lame job at McDonalds? [4]

I suggest that you look back upon your work experience at McDonald's with a sense of gratitude and appreciation from the very beginning. Doing so will make it appear like you truly enjoyed your work at the fast-food place even though you did not in reality. The point is that this kind of essay requires you to present a positive aspect of your extra curricular activity. Pointing out the life lessons you learned that you can take with you to help you cope with your college studies. If you present the work activity in a boring or negative light, your essay will not really get a welcoming reception from the admissions officers.

Scholarship / Like former President Reagan, my adolescence sculpted me into the person that I am today. [3]

I think that since the scholarship essay specifically states Ronald Reagan as an example, you should choose a quote from the man himself. A quote that you can identify with through your personal experience. While the Emerson quote also works for your essay, you want to leave an impression that you admire the man the scholarship is using as an example and thus, have the ability to mold yourself after him in the future. A fact that you will base upon your current and immediate past leadership skills. I also suggest that you concentrate on your work with PAL as it is a socio-civic endeavor that resonates well with the scholarship committees. Try to concentrate on only one story to tell, the one that highlights your leadership skills the most. Do your best to relate it to Ronald Reagan and you should be set with the essay.

Undergraduate / I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. Chemical Engineering... at YALE? [7]

Not a bad essay. I like the way you depicted how you have an open way of thinking that allows you to develop a better understanding of those around you. I just caught a slight mistake in the grammar construction that you need to correct though.


The essay is very strong due to your reference to your leadership skills and your ability to think outside of the box, which always sits well with the admissions officers. The light yet serious undertone that you used in writing your essay has helped it depict you in a manner that the common app prompts may not have allowed you to have been perceived. Good work.

Graduate / The Invention of new technology always become the trigger of revolution - SOP [2]

Hi Henry, I have reviewed what you have written and I have to honestly tell you that this statement does not present the necessary information required in a strong masters statement of purpose. There was a failure on your part to present the most basic and required information for this type of essay. The information that is lacking in your essay includes the following:

1. Your current profession and your length of service in that field.
2. The reason for your interest in pursuing this masters degree, normally associated with work needs such as promotions or a change of career within a related field.

3. Your relevant hands on training or seminars attended with a discreet mention of your college major.
4. Your long and short term goals upon completion of the masters degree.
5. How the university you are applying to fits into these plans and how it can help you achieve your goals and ambitions.

As you can see, the required information is far different from what you currently have written which sounds more like a college application essay than anything else.

Undergraduate / "I'm Jaques Pepin, and this is fast food, my way!" - Boston college supplement [3]

I know that food programs are a trend in entertainment these days. However, for this type of essay, you can't really use that as a basis because of the shallowness of the topic. Also, you are using a television show, which is not as impactful and thus effective as a movie. Perhaps there is a movie that you have viewed in the past that has impacted your life in some way? Caused you to have some sort of ambition or life direction? Or even a mantra for your life? You need to use a movie, book, or art work that resonates more with the serious events in your life and caused a change in its direction or helped you learn something new about yourself. I believe that you will benefit more if you revise the total essay and change the topic that you are using as its basis. This essay just does not have the hook, impact, or depiction of a character or trait on your end that will stay with the reader.

Undergraduate / NYU Essay! Business environment, JSA, and love of Wall Street. [6]

You are not writing a personal statement or a statement of purpose. That is how this essay sounds at this very moment. You speak only about yourself, your background and what you hope to accomplish at NYU because of these talents and experiences. You are not even near answering the simple essay prompt asking you to simply state what it is that drew you to enroll at NYU and what you hope to contribute to the NYU student and social community. That is not difficult to do. Just think about the reasons why you want to enroll at NYU, write it down. Then choose the best of your talents that you feel will enhance the NYU experience for you and the other students and discuss those as well. Once you do those things, the essay will be completely and properly written in response to the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / I discovered a greater sense of purpose and ardor. I felt at home breathing in the Haitian air. [7]

You don't really need the reference to Haiti at the start of the essay. You can save that information for other common app prompts that it could fit into. The essay response that you wrote works best without it. Just be direct to the point when answering the essays, specially in word count limited responses. That way you keep the focus directly on what you want to say or the message you want to convey to the admissions officer. I am sure you will notice that the essay becomes more effective without your opening introduction paragraph. After all the response is asking you for the reason you are drawn to international relations. The Haiti reference just does not connect well enough with the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

Yep. it is ready to be stamped and sealed, after one quick edit. I noticed some redundancy in the essay that needs to be addressed :-)


- I am guessing that this is a typographical error on your part? It happens during the final edit sometimes.

Changing the direction of the essay to a negative result really improved your content and provided the sense of urgency and necessary life lesson that the previous essay incarnations were lacking. Congratulations on thinking of that and using it successfully to your advantage :-)

Undergraduate / PRE MID LIFE CRISIS - I think I have already had mine [2]

Okay, as an introduction to your video attachment, I believe that the essay works very well. It has an interesting premise that makes the reader wonder about whether a pre-mid life crisis can actually exist. I found myself actually wanting to see the final outcome of all your hard work via the culmination of the concert. Your depiction of how you had tried to find activities at school to participate in, and feeling like you were left without options already shows a keen interest in the arts. However, I find myself wanting to know, what is the purpose for all of this? Where did you mount the concert? How was it received by the school authorities when you were planning it? What was the end result of the concert for you personally? Did this help to strengthen your desire to pursue your major? These are questions that I feel you need to answer in a simple manner within the essay, leaving the more serious messages as self-explanatory within the viewing of the video.

Undergraduate / A good story starts with a good beginning. Get us hooked in 150 words. [3]

The original work truly reeled me into the story you are trying to tell. Unfortunately we had to cut out some words to meet the word count maximum. I hope my 200 word version did not affect the gripping scenario of the story. Here is my edited version:

She became aware of her pounding headache as she regained consciousness. The enveloping darkness impeded her ability to identify her surroundings; it took her several moments to realize she was laying on the backseat of a moving vehicle. She tried to sit up and look out the window in an attempt to orient herself, but was immediately pushed back down by someone. A flash of light illuminated the interior of what she then recognized as her family's minivan-- and she noticed her father in the driver's seat. She sensed something was wrong. His normally calm disposition had been replaced by one of trepidation and alarm.

"What's go--"
"Shh! Stay down! Stay down! They can't know you're here! We have to get you to safety!" He barked.
"Who can't kno--"
"Shh!"
All she could see was an unfamiliar dusty road illuminated by the car's headlights. A row of seemingly abandoned houses lined the street. Her eyes widened; she had seen these houses before...But where? Before she could gather her thoughts, the car lurched forward and became saturated with bright, white light. The jolt threw her against the side window, where she saw the last thing she expected to see...

Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

- Combine first two paragraphs into one in order to center the balance of the content of your essay. Since your first and second paragraphs above talk about connected topics, this should only be considered a single piece of writing / paragraph.

The rest of the essay finally depicts a clear idea of what you have to offer NYU and what NYU has to offer you. So fixing the first part of the essay is the only requirement I can see having you do at the moment. When those paragraphs are combined and then added to the rest of the essay, everything should fall into place :-)

Undergraduate / 'the element of truth' - "Welcome to hell," Mrs. Clemens chirps. Cheesy Common App Essay [3]

You have definitely developed one of the most interesting essays that I have read so far. You were not afraid to put yourself out there and let the admissions officer know about who you truly are as a student. It is that brutal honesty that I feel has helped this essay become this good. I congratulate you on presenting what could have been a negative aspect of your student career in a positive manner that is sure to inspire the reader and others who hear about your story. My only concern, is that you were not able to present solid or anecdotal evidence regarding the progress that you made. If you can present even one anecdote, it will strengthen the essay as it becomes solid evidence of how you truly know how to overcome adversity even when there is no support coming from your family. That is an important ability to prove and highlight because that is what being a college student is all about. Having the ability to succeed in an independent environment.

Undergraduate / One of the most critical moments in my life was when I fell off my bike [3]

If you want to use this essay then you need to cut back on the ego that you present in the document and approach it from a more humble angle. You should discuss how the fall enlightened you towards learning some life lessons that you may not have learned had you not fallen off the bike. This essay prompt is all about discovering the life lessons you have learned from the serious mistakes you have made in your life. This essay does not feel like it delivers that serious requirement. Changing the topic of your essay or the prompt that you are trying to answer may solve that problem as Alexa said. You need to find a life event that you connect better to. One where you actually learned an important lesson that helped change your perspective about life or the way that you conduct yourself. Perhaps the bike ride and subsequent accident in front of your peers caused you to learn about being humble and not being so filled with pride? Try to find a serious lesson that you learned from the event and build that up in the essay. Tone down the backgrounder regarding your physical abilities. It is not as important as the lesson you learned.

Undergraduate / "Don't trust anyone" my parents constantly reminded me. Mexican Korean - Rice perspective supplement [3]

I agree with Lyra, are you Mexican Korean? Korean American? What? You need to clarify how you classify yourself because that affects the overall theme and feel of the essay. Having read the essay and trying to find a way to connect what you wrote with the prompt required, I feel that you have not been able to properly address the prompt. You need to revise the work to reflect the unique life experience and cultural traditions that you bring to the campus. Right now, you seem to want to bring fear tot he campus owing to your experience in Mexico. That is not the perspective about life that you should be presenting on paper. You need to be upbeat, hopeful, ambitious. Try to present the positive side of your life experiences and the rich cultural traditions you might have being of Mexican - Korean - American. That would make for a very unique paper that will stand out from the pack.

Undergraduate / I was surprised to learn that such a diverse range of people were educated at Carnegie Mellon [3]

While I agree that your essay tends to sound like you took some information directly from a brochure about the university, I believe that the method of presentation that you used is still effective when the prompt requirements are taken into consideration. Your use of the information has shown that you have a clear understanding of the programs CMU has to offer you academically in relation to your major and your future plans as a student there, based upon what you know about the offerings of the university tells the admissions officer that you have a student career planned for yourself that you fully intend to see to completion during your time at CMU. At this point, the essay is not concerned about what makes you unique as a student. It's main concern is what you understand about the university expectations of its students and that can only be portrayed by displaying how well you understand the background of your chosen degree and the reasons why you feel that CMU is the proper place for you to achieve your dreams and ambitions. I suggest that you work on lessening the brochure sound of the essay in order to make the essay sound more like it is written in your voice before you submit it :-)

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon University provides an abundance of opportunities for students like myself [2]

The essay should concentrate more upon the reasons why you chose to apply to CMU instead of offering only what amounts to a one paragraph long response to that question. Your essay concentrates on your development, your beliefs, your training, your everything. Lessen the information about you unless you can directly relate it to the reasons that you opted for CMU. While you may not be afraid to say that CMU is not your first university choice, you still need to justify the reasons why it became your final choice. The only direct mention that you have to that is the reference you made to SURF, which does not offer as much as it should in the context of the essay. Try to revise the essay to speak more about the qualities of CMU that attracted you to it. The academic aspect , reasons why you chose to major in their particular department, and the social aspect of their university life should be presented in a balanced manner in the essay.

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

The essay has improved with the addition of


However, the paragraph lacks a sense of clarity regarding the urgency of the matter on your part. We don't understand where all the concern is coming from and why this event could have triggered time management consciousness in you. Somehow, you need to present the fact that your cousin had partial custody or visiting rights with his son that he could lose if he failed to do something right in relation to the time that his son spends with him. Adding that will bring out the full meaning of the essay and why this lesson is very important to you. It is just a small tweak that will make your essay ready for use.

Undergraduate / We've all been there. We've all been trapped in the endless chain of Wikipedia articles [3]

Wikipedia is neither a place nor an environment and is therefore not the correct response to this prompt. The essay requires you to present a place or environment that you frequent in order to clearly establish why you go there and where the sense of contentment comes from. Wikipedia articles do not exactly fall into that qualification so you should really reconsider your essay and try to look into a different place or environment to use in response to the prompt. Some of these places could be summer camp, a coffee shop, a library, your bedroom, school, or abstract places such as your mind, or environments like competitive sports, school, study period, or any place where you engage in a hobby, etc. Any of these samples can work for the essay. You can choose your own place or environment to use as long as it is a place you frequent and truly find a sense of contentment in as you stay there.

Undergraduate / "I'm not even Chinese, stupid!" - Identity Crisis; The Common "language barrier" [3]

The way you wrote the story does not make it clear that you are the child in the story. You switch from telling the story of an unidentified little girl to suddenly taking responsibility for what happened then switching back again. Clearly that is a formatting problem in your essay which will leave the admissions officer confused when reading this. As a central identity story about a language barrier, you need to make sure that you represent yourself from the very beginning. Try to convey these emotions from the various events that happened in your life into one thought provoking, clear, and concise essay. While your paper may work as a draft for creative story writing, it does not work at all in response to the prompt based upon the reasons I mentioned. As a central identity story, the story just does not make it very clear that the situations presented are all about you.

Undergraduate / As a child, hearing the term "the good life" I often thought of being enormous rich [6]

The first part of your essay responds to the prompt in a common sense manner. The latter part does not respond to the prompt as it is a futuristic view of your self and your life. The good life prompt is all about philosophical thinking in terms of how you view a good life. So your response, which is basically "The good life is about maintaining" is the part of the essay that you should look into developing. It is the part of the essay which, due to your life experiences, shows us the kind of definition you have developed over time. My advice is to delete the last paragraph that you wrote in order to make room to develop the line of thought that you have at the beginning instead.