Graduate / Reasons for pursuing graduate study and your academic and professional interest [2]

The essay suffers from a case of too many words. You need to cut down on it by focusing on 4 main aspects always considered in a graduate school statement of purpose.

1. Is your current career relevant to your chosen field of advanced studies? If yes, how is it relevant?
2. What do you hope to accomplish in terms of your career by completing this course?
3. How will this university be able to help you achieve your goals?
4. What kind of work experience (seminar, training, etc.) do you have which is relevant to your chosen masters degree? Include a summary of your relevant college background and internships relevant to the discussion.

Those are the pertinent information that the reviewer will look to learn about you so be sure to provide those in a direct manner . Don't waste time with long flowery paragraphs, these people don't have the time to waste reading overly long but little informative statement of purpose essays.

Undergraduate / I was never interested in college because I had no aim in life. Common App Transfer Essay [5]

Another way of writing this essay, in order to place a positive spin on your community college experience would be to explain how you feel that community college was an excellent way for you to get an introduction to your chosen major. However, you now sense that the exposure the university can give you has reached its peak. You know that there is more to be learned regarding your major and that by moving to a regular university, you hope to gain the well rounded and thorough education in your chosen field. Explain that while the community college exposure helped lay your educational foundation, a 4 year college offers you advanced studies, experience, and a chance to move on to even bigger and better dreams and ambitions career -wise.

Writing Feedback / Which of my qualities would add value to community of scholars? [3]

Your response is not one that instills confidence in the reader. Never talk about a failure in life unless explicitly asked to do so. Always present yourself in the best light. Revise the essay by basing your theme around the best quality or trait that you identify with in the admission philosophy statement of the school. I did not see you do that in this essay. Therefore, your ready does not properly respond to its requirements. Choose the quality or trait then explain how you identify with it and how it will help you enhance the university scholar community.

Writing Feedback / Business Vs House - what to buy? Give necessary reason and example [3]

There is a more logical way of discussing this essay prompt. Think of it this way, a house requires money to purchase. Money can only be sourced by working. Working for yourself through a business means you earn more money to purchase the house. This argument proves that the business is more important than the house. Although, a house is definitely add important as the business as well.

Writing Feedback / The best day of my life (so far) was. tell a story that allows us to experience your best day [2]

This is a truly creative story that relates your immigration experience. The problem is the lack of emotional connection and back story that explains why this is the best day of your life. I know you are worried about the word count, but prioritizing the count over the quality of the story is a mistake. Try to revise the essay by including the back story. Go over the count if you must. We can delete as needed. The important thing right now is to make sure you make this day leap off the page for the admissions officer.

Undergraduate / Education has always been a bit of a delicate matter in the Aziz household; Common App prompt 1. [2]

Proper feedback and scoring may only be provided one you supply the essay prompt. Right now we can't offer you either of your requestsbecause you have not given us the guidelines / instructions to consider with your work. Provide both the necessary guidelines and I will make sure to provide your requests and more in my review :-)

Undergraduate / Collaborative Residential Community - how it inspires and draws me to Bates [5]

In my opinion, this is only a single paragraph essay as both paragraphs relate to the same subject and should therefore be only in one paragraph. Your second paragraph should respond to how you will benefit from and participate in this collaborative student community instead. It is this collaborative energy that drew you to Bates in the first place. A two paragraph essay should be at least 250 words. Bat for a clearly explained 2 paragraph essay. The word count is not really a serious concern in such instances.

Undergraduate / Mayo anecdote explaining a challenging situation [5]

Monica, though the story you presented is interesting, it only somewhat relates to the prompt requirements. Something that happened to you when you were four years old and the fact that there was no real resolution to it makes it a very weak response basis. My advice is to find a more recent predicament that you had to call with and discuss how you solved it. A cultural identity or discrimination story would work well as I gathered that you had such experiences as you implied it towards the end of the essay.

Scholarship / "Winner is dreamer" - Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to [2]

Young response top the essay is incorrect. Being a dreamer is not a personal value, it is a character trait. A value is something in your life that defines the kind of person and life that you lead. After analyzing your essay, I feel that the value you should be discussing here is the value of a good education. This can be supported by your desire to get going grades and attend what you believe to be the best school for you. The word count does not matter right now. Just write what you feel and we will edit it down to the max count while adhering to the prompt after ;-)

Undergraduate / "The Wakeup Call"; I grew up in a house that values education and hard work. Common App essay [5]

Adonay, your essay is too wordy and does not depict a deeper understanding or emotional impact upon you after having met your less fortunate relatives. I strongly suggest that you try to add a serious connection between you and the event in order to properly show the development of your central identity. Talk about how you were changed by the event through the influence it had on you. Did it make you civic minded? Did you start to help the family members in your own way? Show us how you became a changed person and this created a new central identity because of the experience.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Ivanka, I agree with Kevin. The essay needs to be less self centered and more about your desire to impact the general population through your studies at FIT. You have some unique ideas about inspiration, so why not use those ideas to describe how the actions of people in general create inspiration for others ? That way you remove the person centered theme and convert it to a more inspiring theme instead. Bring the person centric theme back when you discuss how fits into the picture you just described. Do you think you need a sample template for that? Let me know so I can develop a simple version for you. Just give me the prompt again to serve as my guide.

Undergraduate / Yale - reflect on something you would like us to know about you [4]

Lee, your essay presents a sociocivic side of your personality that I am sure was not touched upon by the other common apps. This is good work that can be made even better. My suggestion is to write the narrative based upon the development of your interest in the cause. By presenting is development prior to your petition story, you will be able to present an accurate description n of this character trait and its importance to you.

Graduate / "Archaeopteryx" - why graduate study, why Purdue, career goals, research interests - SOP [15]

I really don't see how else we can improve your essay due to the lack of experience on your part. I will try to pull the interest of the reader into your potential as a student instead. Let us see how the essay will look and feel if you change the opening statement instead to portray your vision of the world will be like if your project became a reality. The idea will be to sell them on your skill set instead. Just revise the introduction. The rest of the essay is fine so far :-)

Graduate / "Archaeopteryx" - why graduate study, why Purdue, career goals, research interests - SOP [15]

Hey Vinayak! About the paragraphs I omitted, if you don't see me editing it, that means it should be included in the next version of the essay. Sorry if I did not make that clear to you. My fault :-) At this point I am just trying to make sure that we keep the portions that will somehow enhance your application and highlight some skills and abilities that could call the attention of the admissions officer. Hopefully, it will work to your benefit and convince him or her to forgo any shortcomings in your application in terms of professional experience, seminars, etc. We will keep adjusting the essay until you feel that it works best for you already :-)

Graduate / SAIC graduate statement of intent essay for Photography MFA [2]

Kyra, the essay is excellent when it comes to depicting the foundation of your interest in photography and the development of your career. It falls short however, of describing one of the important facets expected by the essay prompt. There was a failure on your part to describe the future career path that you see for yourself as a MFA graduate. You need to explain where you see yourself career-wise in 5 years and then , maybe 10 years. This is what you should do. Lessen the explanation about the foundation of your love for photography. Tell of only the most important parts of that history. Then explain your current accomplishments, making sure mention any awards or nominations you have received in only one paragraph. Then, conclude the essay by presenting your immediate, short term, and long term goals as a student then as a graduate of FA (Photography). This should help you revise the essay without going over the word count.

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Now this is the kind of academic level application essay that can help your quest for university admission. It is straightforward, honest, and opens up various facets of your personality in relation to your choice of university. The fact that you are willing to put yourself out there for consideration, based upon some very personal reasons shows a deep analytical part of your that can be applied to your studies. It shows that you understand how university life works, what it will take for you to succeed, and that you are confident you can complete the course you are charting for yourself. Excellently written Tecjoon :-) Be proud of this version. I would not change any part of it. As far as I am concerned it is ready for use in this current form.

My apologies for coming down hard on you in the reviews.It is something that I find has to be done sometimes in order to get the essay on track and to jolt the writer into realizing that the essay can be better in an academic instead of wordy but irrelevant way. I do believe that it helped you get on track with the kind of essay that best suits the presentation of your personality in an academic and professional method :-)

Research Papers / Statement of research object / sample summarizing / methodology mentioning [4]

In order to write an effective study objective, you will need to consider the reason that you are applying for one of the highest levels of advanced studies available to professional practitioners. Detail the reasons that you have for undertaking these studies and how you feel your plans will be positively influenced by the academic and professional training offered at this level. Name some mentors you hope to work with during your study and how you hope they will be able to assist you further develop the research objectives you have set for yourself. Explain your previous academic and work experience in relation to the next level of studies you require. Then finally explain how the scholarship program can help you achieve these objectives. Make sure to represent yourself in such a manner that also reflects the criteria that the scholarship is looking for in their potential sponsor students. Try to find a common denominator between the two of you that can serve as the basis or anchor of your request to be considered for the scholarship slot.

Writing Feedback / Teaching as a Professional Career [2]

Hanan, you need to learn to proof read your essay before submitting it. I see that you started the essay with a small rather than capital letter in the first word of the sentence. We both know this is a grammar rule violation. The first word of every sentence should be capitalized. Please revise the first sentence and review the rest of the essay for possible capitalization issues. Your in-text citation lacks proper formatting. Choose whether this essay is to be written in APA, MLA, Chicago, or whatever format and make sure to follow the correct in-text citation procedure for the academic writing format specified by your professor. Is this supposed to be a simple statement with sources or an actual 3-5 paragraph essay? The statement lacks clarity in terms of formatting. You have all of your topics bunched up into one statement instead of as well developed discussions pertaining to each specific topic you mention. That is not the right format for an essay but could be acceptable if you are writing a statement depending upon the word count limitation.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]

Yes, add the section that I am referring to in the previous thread and delete the portions that I am advising you to omit. Those simple edits should produce a better essay. A statement of purpose can truly get boring to write in the drafting stages. Imagine having to do that numerous times until you get it done right, that is what this kind of writing and editing entails. Getting bored is not an option for you because you need to be able to direct this essay in a manner that will assist your application even though your credentials are not only lacking, but not even directly connected with your chosen masters program. I expect that this essay will undergo at least 2-3 more revisions before you may decide that it is already usable for your purpose. Be patient and bear with me. Don't let boredom get the better of you because it is your future that will suffer if you cave in to it.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in Economics with bachelor and master's degree in accounting [5]

H Janjan, I am really glad to see that you understand the reasons behind the need to revise your essay. In answer to your question, yes, you should revise your essay based upon the 4 basic guide questions that I provided in my previous response. As of now, I do not want you to worry about the word count or the chronological order of the content. Just give your answers to the questions in your most honest way and then post the essay here. At that point, we will be able to review it better for content and then determine the best possible chronological order for the paper, barring any more content changes or edits :-)

Letters / I enjoy my job and I am benefited from taking part in project [4]

Hao, it is MS. not MR. :-) Unfortunately, the motivation letter that you wrote does not work very well for your purpose yet. It is still overly long, does not contain enough of the correct information, and suffers from a lack of direction. I am going to assume that you are not comprehending my instructions well enough for you to be able to properly revise the letter. Let me try to restate the method of writing this letter in a simpler form.

When you write your motivation letter, think of why YOU want to complete this course of higher learning. Do you want to invent something new? Change something that you think does not work well? What are your reasons/ motivations for striving to learn more about this particular field? After that, tell the reader how you plan to make those changes. By telling us how you think you can make these changes happen, you can connect the need for higher learning and thus, create a stronger motivation for yourself in the letter. Write about these topics in the simplest way you can. I will try to see what I can do to help you raise the level of your writing from there. Right now, the letter does not reflect your personality, desires, or motivations. It is very dry, overly informative in and irrelevant way, and does not really set up your motivation for higher learning in the proper manner.

Scholarship / World Food Programme Internship Letter [2]

Winnie, when writing an internship letter, you should only create an overview of the documents that you are submitting. Highlighting the portions of your qualifications that you wish the screening committee members to note as they review your application. Start off your letter by immediately stating the reason that you chose to apply for an internship with this particular organization. While using your personal back story is alright, you overused it in this version and thus, created a very informative but irrelevant letter.

It would be in your best interest to use bullet points in your letter to mark the important details of your work traits and/or your relevant work duties (not experience). This is to make it easier for the reader to determine if you have the major points that they are looking for in a candidate. The eyes of the reader tends to veer directly for the bullet points when reading because of its itemized format. Doing this will make it easier for the reader to sort through the irrelevant and unnecessary information in your letter as well.

Graduate / "Archaeopteryx" - why graduate study, why Purdue, career goals, research interests - SOP [15]

Hi Vinayak. Don't worry about it. It is just easier and better for both of us if I revise the full essay each time instead of doing it portion by portion and then having to revise the whole essay another set of times because of problems that will finally show up once the paragraphs are spliced together :-) I am sorry if I sound harsh in my reviews. I have to be direct to the point with you because we are trying to accomplish and almost impossible task here. I am not angry at you nor irritated. Let me review your current version now.


- Prove it. This is your introduction paragraph. This is where you set the tone and foundation for your whole statement of purpose. Show the progression of your interest prior to your college enrollment and subsequent graduation. We are going to have to deviate from the proper SOP standards in your case and write a convincing essay instead based upon your life experience qualifications. So explain what you did and what you learned on your own, without any help from formal academic training that can prove your abilities to work individually and without supervision on complex problems and critical situations.


- I would like you to develop this portion further. If you do not have the experience to back you up, then we will try to prove that you have the intellect to succeed. I assume this work got published? If it was, state the publication and date. Discuss the content of the paper in a more in-depth manner and explain the reception to your presentation at your conference.

- This is not a college application essay. Such discussions belong in common app prompt essays.


-Make this your opening hook. Add this to your introductory paragraph. It is quite strong and is misplaced at the middle of the essay.

- Think of how you see yourself advancing career wise after you complete the masters degree instead. Talk about your future plans ranging from 5-10 years. Make the basis of this paragraph a particular project idea that you plan on developing, researching, and concluding during your time as a student.

- Again, this is a college level application statement. You need to sound very professional and determined to succeed on a higher level. Just omit this for now.

After you complete the revisions, let me know how you feel about the changes I suggested and if you feel like the essay has improved to a higher degree. Then post the revision in this thread and I will offer more comments and revisions if necessary. This can be a long and tedious process. I hope you have the patience and determination to see it through. The essay will be ready when you tell me that you feel it is :-)

Scholarship / "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." [4]

Anon, you need to balance the content of this essay. Try to eliminate the quote from Emerson because that deducts from the all important word count. While you have a very personal reason for wanting to attend UWC, you should also touch solidly on the academic offerings of the university in relation to your decision to attend UWC. the path that you should be blazing should be for yourself. You cannot do anything for the other women in your country except become a status symbol for them as the one who succeeded in getting out. That however, is not the main reason you should wish to attend UWC. Offer an insight into the kind of academic expectations and goals that you hope UWC can help you achieve during your tenure as a student. Try to balance the essay between your personal reasons, academic desires, opportunities offered by the university, and finally, what you in turn can offer the university in terms of creating a diversified student community and achieving academically during your time as a student.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]


- Do not apply for a job in your statement of purpose. Your purpose here is to prove that you are capable of completing the masters course even though you have no background in it. Applying for an assistant position out of the blue, with no apparent connection to the rest of the essay will hurt your application.

- Discuss the research project you look forward to conducting using the university resources instead. That is the only way that you can show that you have the potential to perform and accomplish the requirements of this course sans and proper academic background and work experience.

Graduate / "Archaeopteryx" - why graduate study, why Purdue, career goals, research interests - SOP [15]

Write the whole essay and then post it here. I cannot edit it in piece mill or paragraph section form. I need to make sure that the whole essay will flow properly and connect in a manner that will hopefully present you in a light that shows how you can benefit from the masters program even with your short comings experience-wise. You need to prove you are an exceptional student and worker who deserves this chance. Don't waste time writing it by section. Show me the whole paper and then we will work on the problem parts and enhance certain sections. Remember, you have a word limit. So we need to move in a precise manner within the given word count. If you feel that mentioning the mentors from their university who inspired your future goals will help enhance your presentation of your abilities then go ahead and do so. Mention them in your future research portion.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in Economics with bachelor and master's degree in accounting [5]

Jan jan, your SOP is too well detailed but does not really provide the necessary information that is expected in a standard statement of purpose. There are actually only 4 questions that you have to answer in order to write an effective SOP. Kindly revise the content of your SOP based upon these 4 rudimentary questions:

1. What is your current profession and how does your desired masters degree relate to it?
2. What are your career goals and ambitions that will be supplemented by this advanced training?
3. Summarize your college background and then deeply discuss your current work related training, seminars attended, and internships the admissions officer should take note of in relation to your desire for higher studies. How are these experiences relevant to the masters course you wish to pursue?

4. What are your long and short term career goals and how will completing these masters studies help you achieve the purposes you outlined?

You may mention a few mentors at the university you are applying to and how you hope to work with them and any possible notable projects you have planned to complete using the facilities of the university. Don't make it too long though. It should only be a summarized mention in order to not detract from the 4 important questions that must be represented in your statement.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]

The first half of your SOP is irrelevant to your application. You should begin your essay with the below paragraph instead:

That is the portion of your application that directly relates to your desire for further studies in the field of Sustainable and Environment Engineering. The main objective you have to accomplish in the succeeding paragraphs of your essay is to create a believable connection between your college major, current field of work, and your desired masters degree. Once you accomplish that, you will be able to credibly apply for the program.

- This is totally irrelevant to the criteria being considered in a statement of purpose. Omit this paragraph entirely.

Merge the part I quoted above with these paragraphs and you should have a more effective SOP. Please splice the paragraphs together and post the new version here so that I can better analyze and edit it for you :-)

Undergraduate / I wondered how humans could prove their existence after reading the "brain-in-a-vat" - 'Why' Essay [4]

Coco, you have a very well developed essay that addressed the prompt in a highly detailed and articulate manner. Your decision to attend UChicago for academic reasons catches the attention of the reader quite well. I did notice a part in the essay that could be confusing to the reader though.


- What papers? This statement is unclear. Please expand upon it further.

I just have a very slight concern about the way that you wrote the social / student community aspect of the essay though. It is quite short and could really use some beefing up. You could do that by making some statements about you wish to make a contribution to the student community as well. This could be in the form of starting a new club or just being an active participant in the community activities. Develop it further to show that you plan on taking advantage of the well rounded education that the university offers.

Graduate / "Archaeopteryx" - why graduate study, why Purdue, career goals, research interests - SOP [15]

Okay. I will help you try to fix this essay. At the moment, the essay is already too long for an SOP. Summarizing your academic experience and internship opportunities will work best at this point. Try to develop the latter paragraph relating to your future project ideas and goals upon completion of your masters studies. Let's see how strong we can make it.Maybe strengthening your future plans will work to the benefit of your application. We will do our best together. I will be honest with you and tell you that at the moment, your SOP is very weak and may not hold up to further examination by the admissions officers when considered side by side with more qualified applicants for the program. I will help you strengthen it but I am not making any promises about how it will be received for consideration by the relevant parties :-)

Undergraduate / NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you and vice versa? [6]

Song, this is a very weak essay. There is nothing in the essay that tells me that you have given great consideration to the academic offering and potential that NYU students normally aspire to be influence by and achieve. You have spent too much of the discussion on the social aspect of your expectations at NYU. While you should definitely include a social discussion in your essay, you should be concentrating more on the academic aspect of NYU and what it has to offer you. Surely there are academic programs and training opportunities that you hope to participate in as a stepping stone towards your goal of academic excellence. Don't forget that you are going to college not to socialize, but to prepare a better future for yourself. An academic discussion is sorely lacking in your essay. Please make sure to represent that aspect strongly by indicating how the university can help you achieve your goals through their various offerings. After that, you can solidly develop and discuss what you have to offer the university in terms of academic and social skills.

Undergraduate / In pain and tired, but happy - the gym has become one of the most meaningful places for me [2]

There are quite a number of grammatical errors in the essay that I am currently refraining from correcting as there are a number of paragraphs that need to be revised. Once you have completed the revision, we should be able to start working on the grammar errors and tightening of the essay. Does it have a maximum word count? Are you within range?


- You need to clarify that the gym owners offered you a job. Right now, that portion of the paragraph is unclear. The idea is confused and thus not properly developed. Revising this paragraph should help clarify that.


- This paragraph deviates from the essay prompt. Try to rephrase it in such a manner that the environment of the gym and the gym itself becomes the center of the closing statement. After all, it is not the exercise that you are describing in this essay but the place and environment that helps you feel a sense of contentment .

Grammar, Usage / Rephrase text about research paper (sentences) [9]

You could also try to state this sentence in a manner that shows how the college was impressed by your credentials as a student and hence, offered you enrollment into their university which you gladly accepted. I would phrase it in this manner: One of the university's that offered me a student placement in their engineering department was XYZ University. The invitation to join their student community was based upon my excellent academic record and achievements. I gladly accepted their invitation and graduated from their Engineering Department in XXXX.

Writing Feedback / Advertising - there are many advantages side of it which is changing our lives to positive side [3]

Raimov, you are one paragraph short in this essay. The positive and negative paragraph discussions of the essay are based upon the common perceptions regarding the effects of advertising. Both of your discussions offer plausible and acceptable reasons on behalf of the side the discussion is supporting. Your personal opinion should have been the third paragraph in the essay. A lengthy discussion of your personal opinion is actually the main aim of this type of essay. You were required to present a first person opinion on the matter before finalizing the essay with a summary conclusion that included the shortened form of the positive and negative effects, a reiteration of your personal opinion, and a closing statement. A conclusion cannot contain a new idea. With such a type of essay discussion, should should easily make 300 - 500 words which is the standard length of a well developed essay.

Letters / Cover Letter to Space Agency - I wish to work in this industry [3]

Guet, your cover letter should only serve as an introduction and overview of the credentials and documents that you have submitted for consideration as a graduate trainee. It should not read like a common essay narrative detailing your education, work experience, grades, etc. You should not rehash the information that can be better analyzed by the reader upon further consideration of your credentials. That said, the proper cover letter for this type of application should include the following:

1. The reason you are interested in working with the organization and an assurance that you academic and work experience makes you a viable candidate for the trainee position.

2. Detail the early foundation of your interest in the field of work you are applying for. Explain your need to learn about the field in a more involved and hands-on basis.

3. Share your relevant work experience and your duties and responsibilities in this position. Highlight any notable work achievements they should note in your application screening.

4. Use bullet points to list down your important work skills and employee traits.
5. Explain how this internship will best serve your future employment plans.
6. Explain why working for them will be your dream job.

I see that you have touched on some of these topics in your letter but you have not properly developed the paragraphs and have overlooked some important parts. If you are willing to revise the essay to cover the above suggestions, I believe the letter will become better and more effective :-)

Undergraduate / My educational goal is PhD of engineer - Waterloo's Computer Engineer Admission Information Form [6]

Pereira is right. You need to dig deeper and try to reflect the development of your interest in computer studies. You need to go back to the time that you first saw a computer. What did you feel at that moment? How did you react to seeing it function? After you got over the initial phase of using a computer, what else did you do in relation to computers that helped to fuel your passion? Did you dabble in software design? Web page development? Perhaps you hacked a few simple systems? You need to give the admissions officers a vivid description of what it was like for you growing up being influenced by computers. That way you decision to pursue this major becomes self - explanatory.

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

145 words. Good enough? :- )

I stood alone in the skating rink, balancing on the thin blade attached to a plastic boot. "Let leg first, imagine your right leg drawing an S, start at the tail, draw the symbol with the blade , push forward." I muttered to as I tried to ignore the pain from my bruises earned the day before. No one was there to coach me. I learned to skate all by myself. Sure my S method had my trained friends laughing at me, but I stood tall and proud at having learned to skate on my own. My skill was gained through experience. This was how I learned lessons on the ice that I would not have learned if I had professional coaching. I built my confidence by defining myself in the most unique manner I could think of, on the ice and in my skates.

Writing Feedback / Proud to be Americans - cause, event, consequences essay about the American Revolution [3]

Eleanor, did you have to do actual research in order to write this paper? If so, where are the source references within the essay? You need to double check the way you write the essay as well because it as sentence structure problems. The first problem I saw was that you wrote King George, which is the title of king including his name in the wrong manner. King needed to be spelled with a capital K because it accompanies the proper name. There are also a few sentences that start with "And". As you know, no properly written English sentence can start with "And" or "Because". There is a need to revise that sentence a bit. The essay has a very casual and easy reading feel to it which is good because it deals with such a historical and data heavy topic. My only concern, is whether such a relaxed writing style will be acceptable to your teacher. Perhaps you can try to achieve a sense of semi-formality with the way you wrote the essay? These are only my suggestions for your consideration :-) The decision whether to follow it or not is really up to you.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

In my honest opinion, the essay is ready for use. Remember though that my idea of ready for use will vary from yours. So judge the essay preparedness upon your personal criteria instead of mine. If you feel that you have represented yourself as best as I can in this essay and you are confident that this is the version that you want to use, then go ahead and submit it already. I cannot really decide upon that for you. I can only guide you until you feel that the essay has reached a point of readiness that will benefit your application. Good luck with your submission! I wish you only the best :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

See if my edited version works for you. Feel free to use it :-) That is, if you like it.

I stood alone in the middle of the outdoor skating rink, balancing on the thin blade that was attached to a plastic boot. Willing myself not to fall. "Let leg first, imagine your right leg drawing an S, start at the tail, draw the symbol with the blade and push forward." I muttered to myself as I tried to ignore the pain from my bruises earned the day before. Pushing off, I began to glide against the wind. No one was there to coach me. I learned to skate all by myself. Sure my S method had my formally trained friends laughing at me, but I still stood tall and proud at having learned how to skate on my own. My coach and trainer were called by the same name, experience. This was how I evolved as a skate. This was how I learned lessons on the ice that I would not have learned if I had professional coaching. I built my confidence by defining myself in the most unique manner I could think of, on the ice and in my skates.