Book Reports / A play called "The Rove" (Angelica is the classic jealous woman only?) [3]


What you mean by "this current society" is unclear. Do you mean to refer to her contemporary society? Also, the comma after unacceptable should be removed.

Right here, a colon would be better than a comma: Angelica threatens Willmore for his actions to prove once again that she cannot be messed with: "One thou hast...

This essay is so good!! I cannot criticize it much, because it is high quality writing. Maybe in some places you use more words than necessary, though... for example:

Due to the Angelica's behavior it seems as if she Angelica commits herself to becoming better than everyone else. ---With the words I eliminated, you are given more room to say something meaningful with this sentence.

Anyway, you did very well, and the MLA is good. I think you could improve the essay by digging deeper and making the thesis statement MORE complex.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE AW issue 131 The arts reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society [3]

... so complex that arts still have its limits. --I had to cross that out so it would have good grammar.

The long river of history sees how the works of arts art mirror the real but hidden ideas of human societies. ---Good sentence

In such kind of society, arts may not reveal the real hidden ideas but instead mislead people to some extent.---You write so well that I cannot make many corrections, but I just give my little ideas, like in this sentence.

When you have more than one adjective in a row, use a comma: ... the real, hidden soul of society mixed with ...

Again, treat "arts" as plural, because it is plural:
After all, arts will ever belongs belong to...
Or you can make it singular:
After all, art will ever belong to...

:-)

Graduate / MBA Essay Operations in Agriculture [3]

...have been responsible for managing the operations and planning the network for managed services wimax project as a Sr. Delivery Engineer. ---wimax... should this be capitalized?

Do not use although and also but. Just use one of them:
Although Farming has been my family business, but most of my family members have migrated to different professions because of rising inflation and plunging profit margins in agriculture. but I think agriculture, with a professional approach and proper management, still can be the most profitable sector in India.---You have an inspirational idea. I fixed this sentence so that it will sound nice...

I will be able to utilize my current...

I believe that, in In the extremely competitive ...

:-) Good luck, friend!

Undergraduate / An interest in Neuroscience or Philosophy - Transfer essay (grammer, content, tone) [4]

I see so many of those qualities in myself as I take this long road to success. Like many other students, I applied to a school and did not get accepted. let's take these sentence right out of that first paragraph... it will be much better without them. I can see it objectively, and I see that you will make a better impression if you just take these sentences out.

I really think there is no need to mention not getting accepted.

Your interests are fascinating subjects!! Let's not say OR... say AND. That is the real truth. Of course you will use both philosophy and neuroscience if you go into neuroscience... but what do you want to DO every day when you are working after college?

that ten year years ago...

I'm the eagle when it comes down to something and how determine I am that requires determination.

I cannot help but go for it. ---I like this sentence.

Most of the things I want are hard to get unless you have the opportunities. I want take an internship opportunity at Anderson Cooper 360 or science research center. --Should this be capitalized? Also, if you want to work for AC360 give a good reason why... cite some accomplishments.. for example, his recent trip to Egypt...

I have the mind of someone like Oprah.---Here at the end, you also have to mention the eagle again. :-)

Writing Feedback / O level: cloning is a science disaster to come. DYA? [6]


Well... the question is about whether or not it can be a disaster. The question is not about whether it has benefits. However, you did make a good point! Also, i apologize, because I think I moved posts from the other thread to this one without moving the original essay. If you post 2 versions of the same essay, please keep them in the same thread.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A person of two worlds" - Common app Transfer Essay [6]

This lesson would come in handy when I realize realized that I would have to venture out of my comfort zone to fulfill my dream of being an actuary. ----- I did not notice this error the first time! :-)

No, I do not think it is too much. But always remember that when you give information, you make the reader work; when you give action verbs and imagery words, you make an experience for the reader to enjoy. So limit the info and maximize the experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A person of two worlds" - Common app Transfer Essay [6]

Even though I was just three then, my mother decided she wouldn't send me to those classes again, as she believed I didn't have the passion for it, regardless of how many times I pleaded with her later on.

Hey, this looks very strong. I especially like this part:
I like that Stern, unlike many universities, choose to focus on the financial aspect of Actuarial Science, rather than the calculations alone, because the application of those theories in the real world would be clearer. ---I am not knowledgeable enough about the school or this subject to assess the truth of your observation here, but if it is true it really shows that you have given this deep consideration.

I do not like the first sentence of the second paragraph. You had just said something about being an actuary, but then the first sentence of the second paragraph does an abrupt subject change. You can ADD a sentence to the beginning of that paragraph, and let it include the word actuary. That'l make a nice transition.

The location that encompasses NYU is a plus factor, because it is home to many insurance companies. The abundant summer internships available are a chance for me to gain insight into the inner workings of the competitive industry.---This is not useful unless you show that you already have some places in mind. Then it becomes very impressive! Show that you are already making plans.

:-)

Undergraduate / What is your contribution to your community and why would you require financial aid ? [4]

Well, i'll tell you what I think is the most important thing. You need to show how enthusiastic and idealistic you are, how motivated you are. You need to show the reader that you are reading and working hard to become an expert in your fields of interest. Therefore, when they ask what you contributed you should tell them ENCOURAGEMENT. You should use it as an opportunity to reinforce to the reader how committed and driven you are. If you contributed encouragement to everyone involved in your efforts associated with the interests you will be pursuing now, that will be very impressive!

:-)

Writing Feedback / The causes of IMMIGRATION: social reasons, politic reasons and economic reasons. [4]

Another great point to think about is that you do not usually need to use "the" when you talk about immigration. You can talk about the planet, the sky, or the road, but other words do not need "the," including: Immigration, water, freedom, parenthood....

It is hard to explain why, so you have to read a lot to get the good habits.

And I want to work on this sentence, too:
Also, those countries cannot provide jobs for all the people, especially for the younger people that are considered as new comers to the job market, where they shocked when they discover that there aren't enough jobs for them. Therefore, their decision will surely be to travel abroad or to immigrate definitively.

:-)

Undergraduate / "improving people's lives with computers" - Computer Engineering - Michigan [4]

You can say you want to take an interest in science to the next level, but do not say "interest in computer."
You have to use an s with computer.

I dream to take my interest in computers to the next level and develop ideas that can improve people's lives with computers.
However, if you write computer science, you do not need to add an s:
... my interest in computer science to the next..."

To make my dream into become reality, I know ...

You wrote this very well. I am impressed by your knowledge. You can use it when you write application letters: Use your knowledge to cite some books or articles you have read. Also, it is obvious that comp sci is changing so much that you cannot really predict your future. So, as you write essays for college, write in ways that reflect the fact that you are ALREADY a practitioner in this field, and you are adding to what you know and do. You are no longer a kid, and you are ready instead to assert yourself as someone contributing to your field and improving people's lives with computers.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-should universities accept equal number of males/females or not? [4]

The whole world aims for women's empowerment, and to achieve this females should be given opportunities equal to those enjoyed by males. ---I made some small changes for you to consider here.

Hey, there is something special about your way of writing. I can tell you still have a few errors when writing in English, but your way of thinking is very organized, and the presentation is very enjoyable because of the way you carry my attention along from one point to the next.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Students have to study a wide range of subjects, even the ones they don't like. [3]

Here is a great way to improve the first part.
Students are going to school to gain knowledge, and the more subjects to which students are exposed, the greater the knowledge gain will be.

Expects Experts say adults usually underestimate the capabilities of brains. bairns .---I made many changes for you here.

Students are in a period of competing with each other on everything.

Hey, this is quite interesting. It is a little obvious, but the prompt calls for some statements of the obvious. Yet, the real "counter-argument" is from people who would tell you that this modern age is an age of specialization and that to give students an edge we should enable them to focus on their special areas of interest and not waste time with the other subjects. I do not think that is true, but in your essay you should give a paragraph to address that argument and show why it is wrong.

:-)

Book Reports / King Lear Paragraph - Forming a good topic sentence? [4]

Hi George, great question. You seem to have a pretty good sentence here already, so I suspect that you are getting thwarted by something else.

Look:
Lear's riotous entourage of a hundred knights clearly disrupted the sanctity of Goneril's castle so her decision to dismiss half of Lear train was good justification.

The only change I need to suggest is for you to change the end.... it should say well-justified instead of good justification. "Justification" is the excuse for doing something.

But this only enables you to write one paragraph. After writing this topic sentence, you will write a paragraph with examples or a quote, etc,. but then you will need to give another point of justification and write body para #2. After that, perhaps you should write a paragraph to "refute the counter-argument." Google that.

:-)

Poetry / Another Sunday morning [5]

Punctuate that ending with an explanation mark! I mean... not exclamation... ha ha, I am malfunctioning. I really liked your poem, and it put me in a cool state of mind. But punctuate the reader's experience with a question mark at the end. That is what I was trying to say. I don't know if you deliberately chose not to use the question mark at the ned, but I think it would make the ending more poignant.

Thanks for hosting a great experience!

Also: can you find a clever new version of the common expression, "What's the point of it all?" When a cliche appears, it can be great, like it is here, but you can also use a clever variation. A play on the words.

Undergraduate / "rich history in arts" - Hitching Latin America/Connecting With the Heart Common App [2]

Is it necessary to make the already-complex sentence even longer here?---> to Parsons, The New School for Design, seemed ---I think that phrase was unnecessary, so i killed it. Dead.

In early October of 2010 I set out for eight months of travel - a journey away from all things familiar. ---I just have to stop here and comment on how nice it is to let youhost a mental experience with your writing. You have such a nice way of leading the reader along... very good, eloquent use of language.

Ha ha, this is so good... if the AO does not accept you, it must be because of some kind of terrible misunderstanding. If that happens, let me know! I'll drive to Providence and straighten it out.

Two ideas:
These provided a great platform for many purposeful reflections and shed light on my evolving desire, and eventual decision to take time off -- and __________________ (give a few words that capture the main theme of this essay. The sentence at the end of the first paragraph is very important.

Such reflections often led lead to realizations of the heart.

Undergraduate / Cornell - "Finding Nemo among the Stars" (Molecular Biology and Genetics, Astronomy) [9]

Yes, it is definitely interesting. You seem to have a strong insight about how to write in an interesting way. And now the next thing is to instill an emotion in the reader. That is why I say it is good to try to show, at the end, that you are doing a lot of planning and research. And yes, I have seen some of your other writing as well as the great help you give people. In this essay, particularly, your first line really catches the attention -- as does your username!

:-)

Undergraduate / "A new day means a new beginning" - MICA Autobiographical Essay [4]

Every day, we learn ...---2 words, not 1

When I was at a young age, just like any other child, I had spent most of my time playing with toys, enjoying the outdoors, and watching cartoons.---Actually, I think this whole sentence is unhelpful and should be cut.

However, upon entering high school, I made another discovery, one that should have been implanted ...

I had learned that I was not the only one with an interest and talent in art.

... that something new comes every day, and you shouldn't let something destroy your hopes; instead, let it inspire you to bring your creativity to life.

Great ending!

Undergraduate / Would Writing My FIT Essay in Present Tense or Third Person Be Too Much of a Risk? [4]

The present tense... I think is always powerful. The third person perspective... maybe... yes, I think I would feel okay about it.


Great idea... I think I can imagine what you mean.

Even third person present could be great.

Just make sure you really attend to that question... what is your plan? That is what it is really asking. What are you trying to do in life that is meaningful and requires an education in this program? Show that you chose this program as the result of a lot of proactive reading about your chosen field.

:-)

Graduate / "Promising young web media professional" - too cheeky? SoP for MA in Media [4]

but academic knowledge as well, also ________, thus opening the opportunities in Russian media that were closed heretofore.---I think you should use some other word there.

Also, how about "enable" instead of allow, and I think you should cut out the word indeed.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for MSc IN manufacturing ENGINEERING in UK [6]

Capitalize here:
This was the time when I said, "This is ...

Keep it in the past tense here:
The best part of manufacturing is was that ...
I think they will be very impressed. Nice use of "magic."

Undergraduate / RISD supp "reach for the moon", DiCaprio [3]

I am a dreamer. ----This is a cliche, so it makes the reader yawn.

No, I am not...

No , I am more that than the...

I think doing this as all one long paragraph makes it confusing... Use paragraph breaks.

Also, the reference to the kind of dreamer you are not makes it confusing.I think you should get to the point more quickly. Also, I think you can make it so that this is about more than just watching films. You can cite some recent articles about cinema and maybe even make a connection between it and your visual art and design interests.

But wait a minute... is this considered visual art? Seems like it should be.

Most importantly, I think you should get rid of that first line, because it is really a cliche and unworthy of your great observations here.

:-)

Research Papers / Oil production capacity (graph comparing the estimated oil production /capacity) [3]

The graph compares the estimated oil production capacity from 6 different oil countries which recorded from 2004 to 2010.
The way you had written this, it was as though the countries had recorded something. But I fixed it by simplifying.

During these periods, Saudi Arabia was taking the leading role in the selected group, and its unit oil ...

Meanwhile, fairly quite a few had chances to win the number two No. 2 position because of ...

In a conclusion, Saudi Arabia has gained tremendous growth in its oil production capacity, whereas the other five countries stayed ...

:-)

Research Papers / "don't shoot the messenger" - essay for my intro to latin american study class [3]

Hi Frankie, no need for the preposition here:
...disputing on what occurred.

And here we can improve it with "number agreement"---> of both sides played an important role important roles in relaying exaggerated information to ...

You write very well. I curse anyone who does not give this an A. Unless... is MLA required? You are not supposed to give direct quotes without giving the page number. For MLA, if you don't know it yet, a good way to start is by getting in the habit of putting the author's last name in parenthesis at the end of a sentence that tells something you got from that author (Hacker).

Oh... sorry I am a day late in responding. I hope you did well with it! Congrats on being a good writer.

Graduate / LOW LSAT SCORE AND GPA ADDENDUM [4]


Hmmm.. my first thought was that you could do better with this last line of the first paragraph. But then I settled into it and appreciated what you are doing. It is right for you to highlight this great, proactive effort you made... and the steps you took for practical application.

Here, maybe you can do this: After six marathon-like weeks of study, I concluded ...---ha ha, maybe I am wrong, actually. With your essya, I for some reason lack confidence in any ideas I have!

You made a strong case. With your great writing skill, I'm surprised you had trouble with the GPA.

My best advice is like this: Add a sentence to the end of the intro para and the conclusion para, both of which express some clear goals in your envisioned future. Show the reader that you know precisely what you intend to do and why. That really motivates the reader to feel emotionally invested in your success.

:-)

Undergraduate / personal statement essay, first generation american going into business [2]

Wow, very good... the intro has great... very interesting. The end of the intro paragraph leaves me feeling intrigued.

I was walked to school by grandmothers wearing Ukrainian headscarfs, and instead of having Wonder bread sandwiches my packed lunch reeked of chicken livers, baked beets and jellied meat, and you could hear it in the accents...

When my parents divorced during my sophomore ...

It is a lot of story, but I think there should be less story. I think there should be more about the "compelling academic or personal need." That is the good stuff. Show them that is is SO important to you to achieve some meaningful, SPECIFIC goals, and let them feel some pressure because of how important it is that you attend this school.

Undergraduate / "I was the minority" - My UT ADMISSION TOPIC A Paper [2]

The first sentence is no good! :-) It is too obvious. I am happy to have this opportunity to emphasize to you the importance of giving a first sentence that is the MOST interesting sentence the reader has seen all day.

Do no tcapitalize high school unless you are naming the school: In high school I was ...

At Austin Community College I constantly studied, stayed late at school, and worked hard. Due to my perseverance, I made ...

Either do it as a proper noun, or don't:
... at the tutoring center until ...

or.. at the Tutoring Center it closes.

Keep the verb tense the same: I go to the tutoring center on weekends, so I could can make sure ...

Do not capitalize unnecessarily: through my college career.

I'm sorry, I don't like the ending. You need to express your plan, your aspiration. A person without a plan cannot achieve much unless it is accidental. A person who makes a plan will express it in an essay like this. I think you can use that counselor's lack of confidence in you as a theme, but within the essay you MUST share with the reader a detailed plan. :-) Share some short term goals.

Undergraduate / statement of purpose for naval architecture [2]

Cut unnecessary words:
...watching and sketching out the various vessels entering and leaving the dockyard.---Now that is a nice, rhythmic sentence...

Use a comma for a compound sentence: It was during these days i was sure of what i wanted to do with my life, and naval architecture provides me with the best scope to further continue my interests.----But I am not going to capitalize those i's for you! Don't be lazy! :-) just kidding.

As a high school student, I always considered myself to be an ambitious and self-confident individual. I preferred approaching---I kept it in the past tense for a nice style.

Efficiency with word use:
I believe that The best way to achieve these goals is to provide myself with seek a sound education, and after going through your course program i feel the University of Strathclyde is best suited to cater to my needs. ---But I think this sentence is devoid of meaning. It is not helpful! Replace it with a sentence that has some interesting observation. :-)

The University of Strathclyde's Naval Architecture Program is well reputed all over the world with the department being over 150years old. They already know this. Instead of telling what they know, tell them what YOU want to do. That is how to inspire people with your aspirations.

:-)

Letters / Salary requirements after an interview [5]

They responded and we set up an interview, which went well. We established ...

exactly what the job entails, and ...

Another run on sentence: The interviewer emailed me the next day and asked my salary requirements for the job. He wanted ...
ha ha, oh, I was correcting this... I thought this was an essay.

Okay, I am the wrong person to ask, because I always negotiate in a way that gives the other person the advantage!
However, here is a tip. He wants you to give a number first, and that will tell him how he can best exploit you, ha ha.

So... seriously, think of an amount that would make you feel okay, and then add about 30%. Let him talk you down to about 15% over what you would be happy with.

But also, if you are young and need experience, maybe you do not mind working for less. It all depends on what you can get. BTW, check out Elance!

Graduate / Specialist Hospital, Software Engineer - MPH Personal statement [4]

Hey, you make a good first impression with those eloquent sentences in the intro.

It is this impression that has led me to pursue a career in the Medical Industry. ---You should be more specific here. Don't be unnecessarily vague.

I always recomment three instead of 3 (i.e. the word, not numeral)
...than 3 three years working in XYZ (company) as a software engineer.

If you capitalize some of these words, capitalize all:
Career interest Interest and Goals: Having explored ...

Again here, do not capitalize unnecessarily:
The required credits in the Curriculum curriculum build ...

You are very impressive! I hope I helped.

Undergraduate / I'm having trouble with a thesis for my essay "the most impacting moment in my life" [5]

Yep, post a new draft below! :-)

Undergraduate / "the day Uganda gained its independence from Britain" - U of Michigan Supplement [5]

Great writing style here. I am going to be showing this essay to other people as an example of rhythmic, flowing sentences.

Then I typically assist my father in medial menial??? tasks, while he ...

I think you "knocked it out of the park," or whatever you want to call it. This is great use of the 250 words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-visitor/host? who should adapt for cultural differences [10]

Do not use debate this way:
while others debate argue that ...---Actually, it is probably not incorrect, but I want to tell you that "debate" usually is used like this:

People often debate the question of whether culture is a good thing or a bad thing.

A country welcomes guests to promote cultural exchange, not to be insulted or having their culture polluted. ---Oh, very good sentence here. Your argument reflects real understanding.

A host can tolerate minor mistakes, but intentional, disrespecting behaviours isn aren't acceptable.--You have a very good way of writing. I am just making a small correction here.

Undergraduate / Bridging the gaps between America and Iran - Topic E - University of Texas [4]

...shared by the populations of both countries.

The actions of both governments over the last 60 years has have contributed to their poisonous relationship. ---good sentence!

a greater ability to represent a more realistic and positive portrayal of the lives of ordinary citizens.--Very interesting! I think this must be true.

Great ending, too. You must be very interested in what is happening there this week!

Graduate / A doctorate degree in Architectural Design - research proposal [2]

My primary purpose in pursuing a doctorate degree in Architectural Design is to become a professor of architecture. ----This sentence uses too many words to say something simple. You should express ideas in only the number of words necessary. Also, the first sentence of an essay should say something that is inherently interesting, so the reader will start feeling interested.

...the praxis of architectural production that combines the pragmatism of a professional practice with the academic discourse... ---This is what I call gobbledegook. It is a lot of big words that express something rather simple. You want to have meaningful work in collaboration with good people. It is more powerful to express strong ideas in ordinary language.

. Doctorate studies will give me the opportunity to concentrate and allocate more time and energy on my research intention in order to achieve a comprehensive knowledge and experience for future positions both as a professor and professional architect. Again, a lot of words are used to say something simple. It would be better if you used 10 words to disclose your research interest. What research interests you? What are you reading lately? That is the good stuff.

My interest in the connection of health and architecture has ...---Oh, you did a very good job with this part. I don't like all that gobbledegook in the intro, but when you started describing this, you wrote very well.

...main question involved the the way spirituality can ...

Seems like some capitalization is necessary here:
...and partner, henriettenstiftunghannover by architektengruppe Schweitzer and ...

As I continue to read, I see that you write in a very concise, impressive way. This is very good!

Use a hyphen: first-hand

Here, at the end, you waste words again:
I truly believe the Sheffield School of Architecture will provide a stimulating environment for my future research and inquiry; also ...---The sentence does not actually say anything.

working under supervision of the scholars at the University of Sheffield would be ---Here, it is better if you specify one of them whose work you admire.

Nice job! I'm sorry about al the criticism, but you probably know what I mean. Eliminate all "high speech," or "empty sentences," or whatever you want to call it.

Undergraduate / "Graduated in Russia" - School of Business, Personal statement for UW admission [2]

...had a hard time deciding what ...---See the change I made? Do not write, "had a hard time to decide."

...I wanted to do next. My ...

...couldn't decide what I wanted.

I lacked understanding of the educational system

Great sentence here: One of my ...

... pursue my degree and an interesting job. whatsoever .

good carrier career starts with ...

:-) Good luck! They will know that you are a serious student when they read this.

Writing Feedback / O level: cloning is a science disaster to come. DYA? [6]

I don't think you should use epitome that way. Usually it is used with "of."
This job is the epitome of thanklessness.

Cloning is a epitome a breakthrough, which allows human and animals to be reproduced asexually.

First and foremost, cloning has brought a glimmer of hope for the homosexual couples.

Come to think of it, they are also ...

Okay, the whole paragraph about homosexuality is not relevant. The question is about whether it will bring a disaster. You have to be very focused when you answer the question.

You can include this part, and make it an argument that the benefits outweigh the risks:
Furthermore, plastic or cosmetic surgery will be less risky when cloning... and you can make it about organ transplants, not cosmetics.

But you have to include a paragraph where you talk about the likelihood that a "disaster" will happen.
:-)

Writing Feedback / a society's ideas and values revealed by observation of its people---GRE [4]

However, when it comes to a society which composes by groups of people, merely observing the outlook and the actions of single person is far from enough and sometimes is misleading. ---I put these 2 sentences together. They needed to be a single sentence, or the first one would be incomplete. But, I want to also tell you that this does not make sense: which composes by groups of people. I don't know what you are trying to say there.

Another example is the United States, where most people dress up themselves whatever they like, no matter how exaggerated that might be.

Moreover, when it comes to some more hidden, deep-rooted values and ideas, the observation is impossible to function well. The last part of this sentence does not make sense, and I don't know how to fix it.

When you say individual and use 's it is like this: individual's
But when you say individuals and use 's it is like this: individuals'

Summing up, individuals' attitudes and ...

:-)

Research Papers / Pregnancy discrimination act research [2]

I am not sure how this sentence is supposed to be... like this?---> Most importantly, how are pregnant women protected when it comes to complications during pregnancy? Well, before the PDA they were not.

Now luckily women can go through a pregnancy and take up to six weeks off to bond with their child. Fa thers can even take advantage...

guidelines is one word, not 2 words.

... or one's own sick days. ---Look at the change I made here.

I hope this feedback will show you how to learn a new rule about writing and become an even better writer.
:-)

Student Talk / Need-based scholarship; how do i demonstrate my financial need? [4]

First, think about that potential for development. You have to show that you have a lot of potential, and to do that you need to show that you have made a very serious plan with several short term goals.

In fact, for ideas, google this: How to write a business plan

Do something like that, and you will have an advantage.

Next, you need to show need. As part of your "business plan" (Which must be based on a career of interest to you), you should show HOW your next few years will be if you get the scholarship and HOW it will be if you do not. Show that you need the scholarship in order to achieve your short term goals as planned.

:-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The Jealous reactions of one person to the success of a friend. [3]

Jealousy can lead you to do something which you yourself would not even have expected. This was what happened to me when i became jealous of John for being the best player in the school {what kind of?} team.

John and I had been good friends ever since primary school. Ever ything changed after John and i enter I entered the CCA(Co-Curricular Activity), Floorball, for three years.

Once, I asked John as to how was he able to have such tremendous skills. ? Being humble, he replied that it was merely luck that the stick

I maneuvered the ball right into John's goalpost without hesitations hesitation. John was shocked at my roughness, however, it was only expressed on his face. For the next few goals, I intentionally banged body-checked him for several times. At In the last two minutes, I deliberately pushed him...

...did not have the courage to apologize to him...---This is such a powerful story!! You have a little bit of work to do to make your English perfect, but the story is great.