Undergraduate / UVA supplement-What's your favorite word and why? 250 [9]


"Yin-Yang", a Chinese word with a deep philosophical meaning, is my favorite word.
...and thus none of the forces will be used up.


I wish you explain this in a bit more simpler manner with more creativity.... this is a bit too long sentence and also sounds a bit too technical.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: more and more pollution and waste are created everyday [7]

OK ... I got it now :)
the The most two common consequences of increasing environmental pollution are healthy problemhealth problems and deteriorating life quality with regarding to ordinary peoples' life .... the latter part does not make much sense :(

Well, it is important that you mention this is which paragraph. Is it the introduction? body paragraph? or the conclusion?

Undergraduate / I had one criterion/ Vassar Supplement- "why Vassar?" [3]


... why did you have this as the main criterion.... the reader would want to know as it sounds interesting to know :)


Many colleges that I was interested, did boast about about strong liberal arts curriculum. However, when I toured in Vassar, I found even some very small things speaking of their strong curriculum.

Good job and Good LUCK! :)

Undergraduate / WATER SKIING; Florida State University; "Characteristic appealing to me" [3]

Learning is the characteristic that appeals to me the most.
A strong foundation in water-skiing contributed to my immediate success of getting up on a wake-board.


On one Saturday of my sophomore year

Writing Feedback / Integrated Writing Task; Research Writing and Quotation [3]

Is this for TOEFL Integrated writing? Mention the purpose in the subject so that other can provide you with more task related comments.


....This is not a very clear sentence. This is what I guess;
Throughout the article, it discusses the differences between the attitudes of professors and students in respect of research writing and quotation.


.... what are these? I cannot make any connection :(

Undergraduate / "Go practice," said my mother; Essay About failure (COMMON APP) [3]


...it taught me the importance of preparing well for everything I do.
I read your response in full and it's quite interesting. As for improvement, you could have added why you didn't you practice the song. Was it because you didn't take it seriously or you didn't like it? That part you could have added.

Writing Feedback / Banning of Smoking in Public Places; 'smoke free environment' [3]

What is the purpose of your writing? I mean, are you preparing for IELTS , TOEFL etc.?
It's always good to mention the purpose in the title because it helps others to provide you with more task related comments.


... good hook :)

Undergraduate / Family Responsibilities and Duties; Business Admin (Finance) Major:) [5]


Looking after two kids and a baby taught me to be a multitask person.


From a young age, being the oldest in a struggling immigrant family, I understood the duties and responsibilities towards my family.


It was pretty demanding, but I did all of them with a great passion and love.


Because of my family's severe financial constraints, my parents had no choice but to work long hours.

Writing Feedback / Students' academic skills strongly reflect how their teacher helps them to promote their performance [4]



.... this sentence is incomplete;
Some researches suggest that paying teachers according to their students' performance is the best way to motivate teachers and enhance their teaching ability.
pupil's - one pupil
pupils' - many pupils


skills reflect / skill reflects
teacher helps/ teachers help

Undergraduate / My letters to Justin Bieber; Story central to identity/ belief [3]


I only had point in my letters.


I was constantly asking Justin Bieber to help cure my cousin who suffered from "Rett Syndrome" , as it is known in the professional world.


She can't walk, talk, eat or even sit up by herself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: more and more pollution and waste are created everyday [7]

I think you need to improve your essay structure. You at least need four paragraphs for this task. They should include Introduction, 2 Body paragraphs (minimum) and Conclusion. This is the structure I generally suggest for this task ;

Undergraduate / Learning appeals most to me; FSU/ leadership, learning, service, and global awareness [2]

Leadership, learning, service and global awareness together makes one well-rounded. However, learning appeals to me the most.


I am not the most good looking person with my appearance, but I am much stronger person with my inner thoughts.
Times fliesfly, two years after the first time stepping on the lovely ground of the United States of America, I now recall all the things happened in past two years, I am very satisfied what I have done.

Undergraduate / UVA supplement-What's your favorite word and why? 250 [9]


Hey Wuhen... you should have posted this in a new thread. You cannot post many essays in one thread as per the forum rules. Whatever you post in a thread, should be under that particular subject title. So open a fresh thread and copy paste this one there. It also would help you earn more feedbacks because others would see it under its relevant title.

Undergraduate / 'Where passion sprouts' - Personal Essay on Common App; A place I feel the most content [2]



In my junior year I took AP Physics BC, which became my favorite class from the day one.


.... it's good to keep it in past tense because you are talking about a past experience.


However, it wasn't the ambiance that made me feel perfectly content.

Undergraduate / "holistic" care ; Essay for Accelerated BSN Program for Spring 2014 [2]


.... that part is getting repeated. You have used the same phrase in the previous line too.
I have always been in a position to help people by listening to their presenting issues and assisting them to find a solution.solutions.


I think it's better you combine the two lines;
After graduation from college, I joined the Centre of Injury Research and Prevention at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia as a Research Assistant where I provided clinical assessments to patients who have experienced trauma.

Undergraduate / Why me and why FIT? The next step for a bright future [4]


I understood that I was in the right place at the right time. However, I also realized that nothing will come to me without my effort and enthusiasm.


That time I had very little knowledge of English ... what do you mean by desire and dream?


... this is not clear ... I think you better rephrase this part

Writing Feedback / 'political stability': Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth [4]


.... It's better to conclude your introduction with stating your position on the argument. Otherwise your writing would look like a direct answer, but not an essay.

Research Papers / Love Sees No Gender ; "Will You Marry Me? I Can't" [2]

If one shares loveslove with another nothing should get in its way, especially marriage.
Love is a quaint yet overly powerful thing, it is an emotion, a desire, a tender affection fortowards someone else.


The definition of gay is that someone becoming attracted to another person of same sex.

Undergraduate / Yes...... I won another medal; UNC Common App Essay - failure [7]


Jacob's coming in third, Wallace in second and Edwards in the first place; the commentators yelling the names who got qualified for medals. ... I used the word "yell" to give the feeling of your disappointment and irritation.


My heart broke and I struggled to hide my tears from others in acknowledgement of my poor performance.


I stopped practicing because that defeat hit me hard psychologically and made me believe that I'd not make a come back.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Professional Short Course- (Participatory Planning and Monitoring) [4]


I am Md Shajala Mohon from Bangladesh.



I have more than two years of experience in project development, qualitative & quantitative research
Well, here they expect you to write about how you'd be benefited by the course. Though you have talked about it in the third para, I think it is better you have more prominence to that in this response. They are more keen about knowing why you want to follow this course and how it's going to help you. In this you don't have to talk about your experience and credentials in depth. You can surely talk about them, but give more emphasis on your short term and long term goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 9 Test 4 - Languages die out every year......... Is this a positive trend? [6]


very impressive :)
The dying languages are spoken by only a few people and they tend to be less expressive and attractive... hmmmmmm, I have a concern here :D

They die out due to low frequency of usage, but it is not fair to say that they are less expressive or unattractive. They may be very rich languages in those terms, but due to the size, I mean small, of such communities , they may be invaded by other major languages.

Writing Feedback / Work place or research updates will help universities in showing direction to educate students [6]


yes...here I am :D
Ok...let's attend to the introduction first.

Writing Feedback / [toefl task] TELEPHONE or TELEVISION? Which one is more effective in people's life? [8]

Copying others comments is against forum rules and such users would be suspended.


.... smart point.... there are grammar issues though;
Furthermore, the telephone has gradually disappeared from our lives, but the TV still survives.

Scholarship / "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away" ; SOP / Masters in Food Technology / SCHOLARSHIP [2]


I never thought that my mom's simple, yet inspiring quote, "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away", would take me a long way to choose my career in Food Science and Technology.

It would help me to manifest many mystified secrets of food and its mechanism


I found a strong affinity towards Food chemistry

Writing Feedback / I was waving goodbye to the life I had for 16 years/Transition from Childhood to Adulthood [5]


....nice ... good presentation :)


I was leaving behind all my friends, family and home in order to begin my journey, transformation from childhood to adulthood.
. My mother had trusted me toand let me move across the country 3,000 miles away from her.


....but because I knew this move would provide me far more opportunities than what I had got by staying in South Jersey.

Undergraduate / Transition from private to public school; How my community has shaped me - UC [3]


The transition from a private, predominantly white middle school to a diverse public school with several hundreds of students , has impacted my life in numerous ways.

Attending Calvary Lutheran for 13 years, I was pretty confined to a smaller circle.


.... we or your school? I guess you are still a student there

Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books any more. [6]


This is more than enough for your introduction. Up to this point it flows beautifully and also it contains all necessary feature of the intro :)

Writing Feedback / New restaurant? My neighborhood would become more prosperous and people living here would be happier [5]


I think this line should have come much earlier in this paragraph. You talk all good about having this restaurant in your neighborhood ignoring the fact that how good its service would be. You could have mentioned that fact earlier in the para and then you could have said it's still worth taking a chance.


... this is good... this para is much stronger than the previous one.
Wish you good luck with TOEFL :)

Writing Feedback / 'Rabindranath Tagore'; Children should be educated at home by their parents [3]


... Very good introduction :)


.... good argument :) very true :)
This is an excellent essay.... Your display excellent writing skills, follow a good structure that can earn you a good score and excellent presentation too :) .... I think you are now ready for this task. You can have more concentration for the other tasks :)

Good luck with exam :)

Letters / Recommendation letter for students aplience for graduate program [4]


... You need to rephrase this line;
????? (name) is very passionate about what he does and that is the main reason behind his academic achievements.


He is ready to take up any challenge that comes his way. He is also a very helpful person in nature. I have often noticed him assisting the lecturers who are weak in English to translate science articles which is a pretty boring and complicated exercise. However ??? (name) thinks that by helping his lecturers he too can broaden his knowledge in various aspects of science. I am very impressed with this positive thinking of ???? (name)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 9 Test 4 - Languages die out every year......... Is this a positive trend? [6]

It seems you have excellent writing skills. Your sentence construction, vocabulary, presentation of ideas , everything seems to be fine. As Pahan commented above, your introduction needs improvement. Overall it is a good essay. If you align your structure with one that you can earn more marks, then you can surely go for a real good score. Practice with time because time too has a bearing on this task :)

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Live in the same climate or changing climates? Which one do you prefer? [5]

Ohhhhhh.... I didn't realize that. :D Well, when I generally check the alignment of the essays with the given prompt and also whether they follow the appropriate structure. When I find they have deviations, I make that recommendation. So, that has what happened with all these 3 essays.


... Every sentence in the introduction should have some relevance to your prompt. The one I cut off is not relevant or may be you have not presented in a manner that reader finds it relevant. What are the most important aspects of this prompt? They are climate and people's choices in different climates for living. So give more focus to that. Let's do an introduction following the structure I suggested you;

Climate is an important aspect in the lives of every living being including the humans. (your hook)
Some places experience different climates throughout the year while others places do not experience such climatic diversity and have got rather the same climatic conditions. People's choice's for living also depends accordingly. Some people love to live in places that have changing weathers while others prefer living in the places with same weather. .... (background of the topic)

However, I personally like to experience varying climatic conditions and therefore I would choose such a place for my living. .... your position on the argument. Always conclude your introduction with expressing your opinion. That gives a neat finish to it :)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: THE TABLE/ Actual Vs Estimated house construction [4]

Very good introduction. It is very clear and well presented.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- The opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people? [2]

I can see that you have excellent writing skills. Also I am sure you can aim for a real good score for this task if you manage time well for this task. However, I doubt whether you were able to manage this essay within the time they allow you to do so at the examination due to its length. This task has a major bearing on time, So practice with time and make sure you do not lengthen your paragraphs unnecessarily.

Writing Feedback / Live in the same climate or changing climates? Which one do you prefer? [5]


... I find this sentence tends to go out of topic. It does not seem to have relevance to what your prompt suggests. Your writing should always keep alignment with your prompt .

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Graphs ; Actual number of houses constructed in UK 2002 [3]


.... this is the sentence that you use to introduce the graph. So it should clearly state the background of what your table presents. It is not very clearly expressed here. This is what I suggest;

The table presents the actual figures against the estimated figures , of the houses constructed in different regions in the UK in 2002.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Schools problems with student behavior. [4]

Hi,
First I have a request for you - You need to post your IELTS essays into the Writing Feedback forum. Also, it is better if you mention the purpose, i.e. IELTS, in the topic (Subject) so that others know that you need feedbacks relating to IELTS tasks.



... Your topic is open to many countries in the world. So do not narrow it down to Brazil in the introduction. You can do that later in the examples of your body paragraphs. Always keep an alignment with your topic.

Writing Feedback / Studying abroad has become a very common phenomenon in the modern world - globalisation result [10]

As a result of globalization, studying abroad has become a very common phenomenon in the modern world. .... this is your hook
Now go and explaing the background of the prompt;
These international students need to choose whom they would be putting up during their academic period. While some of them prefer to have American roommates, others wish to share the room with mates from their own country. Both options have their own advantages and disadvantages.

Now express your opinion;
However, If I am to choose my roommate, I would prefer to ???????? (state your position) :)

Writing Feedback / Having fewer languages is a good thing? [9]

This is your first body paragraph. Here you need to defend your opinion that you expressed in the introduction by giving reasons and supporting those reasons with examples. (I prefer if you limit the number of reasons to one per para).... So what's the reason here? It is that language has a great bearing on one's cultural identity. Then you need to give an example to support this reason. For example;

Language is an integral part of one's culture. Therefore if a language would die, it would die together with its associated culture. This is not a healthy trend because culture has a great influence on one's value system, beliefs, identity and most importantly the personality . For example, if I cant speak my native language, I cannot enjoy a poem written in my own language. It means I get distanced from my own people and their love and affection because I would not be able to understand their feelings.

Writing Feedback / talk about a photograph or painting you have seen that was memorable. [4]


The most memorable photograph that is in my possession was taken three years ago.


The first reason why it is so important to me is that all my aunts, uncles and cousins who now live in different parts of the world and whom I do not see often, did pose for this photo.


... I think you better put it little differently;
The second reason is that this is my grandmother's last photograph as she died from a heart attack an year after this was taken.