Undergraduate / As I matured I experienced increasing stress in combination with a lack of sleep. CommonApp [3]


- Amy, the term you want to use here is either a bath soak or a tub. A shower means you are standing under a shower head with water raining upon you. What you describe in the essay is a bath soak which is done in the bath tub :-)

Aside from that very minor correction in your essay, the overall effect of the written words are a sensory involvement that is not normally found in these types of essays. Your description was all involving and appealed to the sense of tranquility that most bath takers have when they soak in the tub. The reasons that you feel content in the tub, soaking away is quite acceptable and offers an insight into the kind of personality that you have and how you deal with stress. This is an excellent piece of writing that you should be very proud to turn in with your other essay apps :-)

Undergraduate / Walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I realized my dream [4]

Karen, this does not sound like an accomplishment essay because it does not truly mark a transition to adulthood on your part. Participating in this program may have been the fulfillment of your dreams and a representation of what you can accomplish in life but because the rest of the essay dealt with other topics other than this particular, life changing event, it became more of an accomplishment than a transition essay. This essay is not about your dreams or ambitions. It is not about realizing your potential for the future either. This essay is meant to discuss an event in your life that made you a more mature and responsible individual. The essay that you chose to deliver does not represent that.

Revise the essay to tell the story of something important in your life that led to a more mature outlook or understanding of yourself and the world around you. The topics could include the responsibility that you had to take on after the death of a leading family member, a tradition such as a Quinceneara or Bar Mitzvah, or a certain family tradition that is performed by members of the family as a certain age to mark their acceptance into the family as an adult.

I am not saying that you wrote a bad essay, I am saying that you wrote a good essay that answers a different prompt. Keep this essay for now. I may come in handy in the future when you have to answer a common app essay that is more aligned with this theme :-)

Undergraduate / Elon Gap Semester Program gives me the opportunity to learn in a completely new and innovative way [2]

Excellent work Lauren! I would not change any part of this essay because it answers the prompt in a clear manner and presents your various traits and abilities in relation to your potential to succeed and serve the community during the gap year. It is short but informative and highlights the important points of your other volunteer activities which places a spotlight on the contributions you can make as you participate in the gap year. If you have any other relevant experiences, you should be sure to mention it in the same manner in order to further highlight your passions and how you will definitely be an asset during the gap year. I congratulate you on a job well done. You have definitely come a long way since the first paper you submitted for review here :-)

Graduate / HOW TO STRESS MY JOB AS A RESEARCHER MORE EFFECTIVELY? sop-civil Eng. [9]

You don't really need these paragraphs because they are no longer relevant to the advanced studies you are applying to . Why are you insisting on turning this into a college level application essay when you are trying to write a statement of purpose for the PhD level? I asked you to simply summarize your college experience and yet here I see you going all the way back to your high school experience. Those are not necessary for your application. Delete these paragraphs and instead concentrate on the missing aspect of your essay, your professional experience in relation to your masters studies and the need to achieve a PhD level of studies as well. You cannot just mention that you had students who have completed PhD degrees. You need to explain how the PhD will be relevant in your line of work. How will it help your career? What are your plans for after you complete the degree? These are the most important questions that need to be answered in your essay. Deleting the two paragraphs I mentioned and answering these questions in its place should help you fix the content of the essay :-)

Scholarship / Fulbright-García Robles Scholarship (comexus) - Study Objectives [2]

Mariana, the essay is definitely wordy and needs to be cut down. The problem is that you are trying to over express yourself in the English language. You need to simply state the facts and not try to dramatize the content. You can do this by simply presenting the objective if your studies in the first or introductory paragraph. Once you have established the reason behind your desire to complete these studies, everything else will fall into place and shorten in length. I advice you to keep this down to 4 informative paragraphs at the most. Breakdown your paragraphs into the following content:

1. Introduction - The field of study you wish to enroll in and why. Avoid any references going back to your childhood dreams and aspirations.Those are irrelevant at this point in your life. That is not important here. If there is a social or scientific problem that you wish to solve, then mention it. That is the reason for the interest in your field of study.

2. Body 1 - The method you plan on using to achieve the solution to the problem you wish to solve. These will be part of your study objectives.

3. Body 2 - Your expected outcome or results upon graduation.

4. Conclusion - How you expect these studies to help change the field you work in or help you achieve more in the field of work you are in.

Just keep it simple. You don't need to over emphasize in a study objective essay. Relate the facts as needed and in relation to your desired advanced field of study. Do not dwell too much on the past as you do in this current essay. You are supposed to be applying to one of the most important scholarships in the world. Don't waste the time of the reviewer by making him read all about your past failures and successes. This is all about looking towards the future and how you can create your memorable niche in that world. Right now, your essay does not work in offering a study objectives essay.

Letters / COVER LETTER FOR UN SECURITY OFFICER POST [4]

Here is a sample for you to follow:

Dear Mr. G.I. Joe:

I am quite interested in presenting myself as a candidate for the position of U.N. Security Officer as announced by the XXX office. My education, skills and experience have all developed in such a manner that would make me the most suitable candidate for this position. It is my belief that I am also a worthy candidate for this position because of my advanced training in this field under XXX and hands on experience relating to the necessary tasks for this job.

Having worked as a XXX at XXX I made sure that I would develop a strong and notable list of accomplishments on the job. Accomplishments that would show me consistently climbing the promotional hierarchy of the office that I serve. I have displayed an uncanny ability to XXXX (Mention your office related skills in relation to the position you are applying to. )

I am quite enthusiastic about discussing the possibility of my assuming this position at the soonest possible time. I plan to call your office on (mention a date) to follow up on my application. If you wish to contact me for more details about my application, please don't hesitate to call or email me. I hope to present my candidacy in person at the soonest possible time.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my application.

Sincerely,

ec: Resume and reference letters.

Remember, this is just a sample. Your letter may be presented in a different way. The format is a decision you have to make for yourself. I am just offering an option as to how to write the letter.

Undergraduate / "Young antique" - challenge myself; common prompt1 essay [7]

Cheng, while I understand the reason why you were being called a "young antique", I think that there is a disconnection between that paragraph and the succeeding paragraph about the challenge from your coach. We do not understand what sport you were playing or being challenged to accomplish You also need to explain further regarding the reasons why the memories you recalled as your began the challenge pushed you to take the plunge and do something you have never done before. The essay just seems to be lacking a sense of clarity regarding the connection between the challenge and the "young antique" statement. Why did the fear suddenly turn into desire? Perhaps you should first decide upon what trait of yours you wish to discuss in this essay then develop a clearer and more easily discussed essay around it. This essay is just confusing to the reader and does not really explain how this event became a central identity building event in your life.

Writing Feedback / I'm in need of help on how to convey myself better [4]

You are way off tangent in trying to answer the prompt. You needed to pick a place, not an activity to describe in this essay. Don't describe the game that was being played. That is not of importance to this essay. If you feel content on the football field, then explain why. We are looking for a place, not an activity. How the game was played is irrelevant to this essay. If you wish to discuss the football field as the place where you feel most content, use the following sentence from your previous essay as the jumping off point for your revision:


- Add the word field after the word soccer in order to make this sentence completely address the essay prompt and then begin to explain the sense of contentment that you feel on soccer field. Soccer is just a sport being played. It is not relevant to the essay prompt. However, the soccer field, that is a real place where one may be able to achieve a sense of contentment. You can definitely discuss the soccer field in this essay.

Try to revise the essay using my suggestions so that we can see if it is totally possible to use the soccer field as the reference point for this essay.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

Hi Azucena :-) Listen, I have read enough versions of your essay to consider myself quite familiar with the points of discussion in it. I might be able to piece together a template for you to follow with regards to writing your essay is you can tell me what the point you are trying to make is. My idea is to take what the essence of your point is and then recreate it for you in a way that you will be able to easily use it as a guide for your own version of the essay. If you can tell me, in number format, the exact points you want to get across, I might be able to help you come up with something that will work for this essay. Get the list of information to me as soon as you can and I will try to come up with something for you as soon as possible :-)

Writing Feedback / My responsibilities and contributions to my household [2]

- I grew up in a community where children were expected to help out with the simple household chores. For me, this meant doing chores around the house, which included normally female chores such as sweeping the house, tidying up, helping to cook and care for the younger family members by giving them baths. My duties increased as I got older and now, I already work part-time in order to help my family out financially. We have never been wealthy or even comfortable in life so I have to do my part in order to ensure that our daily needs are met.

- My community includes my tightly knit family members. So if I were to leave the community for any reason, my cousins, uncles, aunts, nieces, and nephews, would be sure to come to my family's aid in terms of getting the chores done. That is something that we have always done for the family members each time one of the relatives leaves his family for a long period of time. I do not doubt that they would do the same for my family since i did the same for them. As for my financial contribution, nobody would be able to take over that duty. Which is why I am applying for a scholarship. With a scholarship I would be able to concentrate on my studies and not worry about having to pay my fees. Instead, I can work part time to continue helping my family financially.

Undergraduate / I had a great life in Russia, but I have always been challenging myself - BOARDING SCHOOL ESSAY [2]

Anastasia, your essay is quite interesting but you managed to clump together 2 years worth of experience into only one paragraph. You should have at least 2 paragraphs for this essay. Each paragraph represents one summer and contains all of the notable activities and accomplishments that you have from that period. You don't even need to mention your father at this point. His presence is not relevant to the summer activities that you had. Drop that part from the essay and revise the content. This time, make sure to tell us what you did during the summer of 2013 and the summer of 2014 or the summer of 2013 and 2013. Just your activities. If it was all about TOEFL preparation then discuss that in full. Now, about the Grier School. Was this a school that you attended over the summer? If it wasn't then it does not belong in this essay either. It does not sound like a summer activity school because you had to pass the TOEFL to attend it. Please be more mindful of the little details in your essay that can affect the information presented within. Stick to only the summer months and nothing more.

Graduate / HOW TO STRESS MY JOB AS A RESEARCHER MORE EFFECTIVELY? sop-civil Eng. [9]

Hamed, your SOP is too wordy and offers information that is already irrelevant to a Statement of Purpose of Masters studies. In all of the SOP's that I have assisted in reviewing here, I have always reminded the writers that there are only 4 major points you have to discuss in a statement of purpose to make it effective. These points are:

1. What is the masters degree you are applying for?
2. How does it relate to your current work experience?
3. State your relevant work experience that will support the need for higher studies (e.g. job promotion or change of careers within the same field)

4. Your long and short term goals after completing the degree.

It does not matter how extensive your college experience is or what kind of hands on training you got as a student. What matters now is your professional reference. The actual work that you have done, seminars and other training programs you may have attended, and the reason behind your desire for a masters degree. You are no longer in college. It is assumed that you have been working for at least 2 years as a C.E. before applying to graduate school. Nothing you did in college is impressive anymore because those were all academic. A Masters is all about the practical job application in an advanced environment already. Thinking that your college accomplishments matter is wrong to a certain degree. You can mention, skim, and summarize your college experience, but it cannot take up almost 75% of the content of the paper. 75% of the paper should contain your current and immediate past accomplishments in the workplace or in any advanced studies you have taken up so far.

Maybe it pretty obvious that I am driving at a need to revise your essay. You really need to do that in order to present a more professional looking and sounding statement of purpose to the university you are applying to.

Writing Feedback / Crime and fixed punishments. Discuss both views and give opinion [2]


- Chris, you don't provide this last, you provide this as a part of your introduction in order to show the flow of discussion throughout the paper and allow the reader to anticipate the paragraph changes and content. State your opinion.

- Good discussion, but incomplete. You jump directly to your opinion in the next paragraph without discussing the varying punishments depending upon the degree of crime committed. Remember, 2 sides, the opposing and the supporting have to be discussed before you present your opinion.


- Your opinion cannot be introduced as the closing statement as it presents another idea in relation to the discussion. Keep in mind that the conclusion of your essay must only contain a restated prompt, summary of points discussed, and a repeat of your opinion. No new ideas can be presented in the conclusion. That is a hard essay writing rule.

Undergraduate / Beyond your academic credentials, what else makes you unique and colorful? William and Mary essay [3]

Lauren, this is definitely an inspiring essay that takes us from your youth to the person you are today. The inquisitiveness and ability to go after what you feel you need to learn in order to get the answers you want are abilities that admissions officers admire in students. This go-getter attitude shows that you will not fail in your college studies because you simply will not let yourself fail. I just have one question though, and this might be because I never paid attention to the world map but, is Russia supposed to be the tip of the earth? I think that telling us how you planned to prove your child like theories would be an interesting touch. Specially if it involved going to Russia to find its highest point to jump off of, or something like that :-)

Undergraduate / Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage [10]

This is definitely an essay that better describes the world that you come from. The two worlds actually. Your opening statement certainly delivers a strong impact that I am sure will hook in the reader. I have some suggestions to make that I I feel will help improve your essay. I hope you feel the same.

- "By the way, what are you?" For my entire life, people have been posing this question before me. They could never seem to accept that one can be a Samsae, third generation Korean immigrant born in Japan. It seems that to them, I could only be either Korean or Japanese, but never a hybrid of both leading Asian country descendants. I never thought that I had to define myself by race or country, that seemed pointless because I believe that ...

- You can delete this portion because what you have to say in it is not as important as the one that comes after it. Do not spend time on half developed or little informative paragraphs.

- Do not deviate from the prompt. You are only being asked to describe the world that you come from. You are not being asked how your inclusion in American society will add to its diversity. Write a strong closing statement instead that describes how your being a Samsae has helped Japan become a better, diversified country because of what you learned at your work in the museum. Then relate the two cultures in a way that explains how they no longer exist separately in you but rather, exists as a unique kind of person in your being and why.

Scholarship / I can always remember the feeling of wanting to know just how computers worked [2]

Leonard, the essay is not asking you about your past interest and experience with computer information. It is asking you to think forward by imagining what your future will be like as a s student and after you graduate from ASU. You are being asked to outline your student objectives, this means that you need to let them know what you hope to achieve academically by the time that you graduate. What might the topic for your thesis be? Or perhaps imagine what kind of programming breakthrough you will be on the verge of discovering at that point. As for the career objectives, look into the IT needs of Nigeria and then discuss how you plan to make your positive contribution to its development from the grassroots level. From what you have related, Nigeria is way behind its competitors and badly needs help catching up. Explain how you may want to create a international network of contacts as a student at ASU that you hope to take back to Nigeria with you as potential investors. Those are some guidelines that you can use in revising the content of your essay.

Undergraduate / I always I asked my mom when I would get the chance to go inside of one plane [3]

Jagrit, this is a very interesting story but has become superficial in content because of the concentration on your desire to enter and ride an airplane. That should merely be the starting point of your essay, not your main theme. The reason that I say this is because there is a stronger story that needs to be developed which is the fact that you were an 8 year old who had not seen his father in 9 months and now, you were getting onto a plane to meet him again, this time as an immigrant, leaving behind all that was familiar to you in India. Tone done the details about the plane and instead, play up the sad actors of leaving India while building up the details of the best day of your ride, the fact that the plane took you to meet your father. Then detail the reunion that you had. Can this be done in 250 words? You will probably have a hard time doing it, but if you can revise the essay with the information needed to bring the word count down, we can help you meet the word count without a problem :-)

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Definitely mention the slum girls and any other experience that you have which can possibly indicate a non academic learning environment for you. The goal here is to show and highlight the fact that you managed to get some sort of education while away from the academic setting. Reiterate the fact that these girls inspired you to retake the SAT's and dream higher and bigger than you used to. Explain how that year away from school was not only a learning, but also a reflective experience for you that helped you find your true path in life. However, you should not make yourself sound like too much of a wanderer. Instead, portray yourself as someone who had many paths to choose from in life and needed help on deciding which one would be perfect for you. That is how you can perfectly work in the slum girls story into your essay. Make them the inspiring point of that whole year in your life :-)

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

In that case, you must concentrate on explaining how you spent a full academic year just preparing for your SAT's. What did you do in preparation during this time? Be detailed. Discuss the lessons you learned about yourself and your desire to finish school during this time. Try to offer a look into your world during that gap year. Explain why you neglected to pass the SAT's the first time you took it. The year it took you to prepare to take the test again must have been nerve wracking but eye opening for you. Be sure to point that out in your essay. The admissions officer needs to be convinced that you have an acceptable reason for having taken a gap year in order to make him or her consider your application. Not passing the SAT's and needing to take time to better prepare for the second take is a very acceptable reason to have taken a gap year. Concentrate on that in order to show that you have matured over the past year. Whether you have volunteer activities to speak of or not does not matter at this point. You have found your reason for the gap year already :-)

Letters / I am writing to express my enthusiasm for the Master's program in Computer Science and Engineering [4]

X, don't worry about it. That is why we are here to guide you :-) You do not need to explain that you did not get a job immediately after graduation, but you do need to prove that you have been using your education in some sort of manner. Be it in a part time or advisory capacity. After all, being a graduate school student, it is assumed that you have at least 1.5 years work experience under your belt and your desire to achieve advanced studies is related to job security or promotions. If you have reasons other than that, then make sure to mention it as well. While explaining what you did in college does help in a way, it is not impressive since you have not used it in an actual work setting, thus the effectiveness of your accomplishments are diminished in terms of impressiveness and impact on the reader. Think about it, when considering two candidates for the school program, who would you choose, the one who graduated and did not work in his field of study after almost a year of graduation, or the applicant who has at least a year of actual work experience in his credentials? One has only hypothetical and controlled environment accomplishments to present, the other, actual work experience and hands on training? I think the answer is quite obvious. Remember, you want to make the reader believe that you have the best credentials and truly require these advanced studies in your line of work. If you are not practicing what you studied, why are you even applying to graduate school? Of what use will the advanced studies be to you?

Since you cannot offer any accomplishments in terms of professional experience, you definitely need to concentrate on your professional goals and how the program can help you achieve your short and long term objectives. Yes, you need to mention your career objectives in order to prove that you plan on making a career out of what you are studying, even if it is taking you some time to get around to it :-)

Undergraduate / "Young antique" - challenge myself; common prompt1 essay [7]

Cheng, I understand that this is some sort of personal essay for the common app prompt. the problem, is that I have no idea regarding what the requirements of the common app essay is. You need to provide the thesis statement for the prompt so that the essay can be properly reviewed for content and grammar usage. Don't forget that we can only provide accurate advice to you based upon the instructions that are provided to us. We need to know where the essay should be headed so that we can guide you towards that end result.

Right now the essay seems too wordy and can use some work in cutting down the word count. We also need a better explanation as to why you were called a "young antique" by your coach. What exactly is the purpose of your story? Which portions should be front and center in the story? These are all questions that can be answered and addressed better once you provide the complete essay prompt for the accurate review of your essay.

Undergraduate / 'The study of physics never fails to bore me' - Governor's School Essay - Computational Physics [2]


-Jongheon, this is a red flag sentence. You just told the reader that you do not like the subject of physics. Rather than saying "never fails to bore me" you can instead try to say "the study of physics always excites me." Just replacing the word "bored" to "excites" totally changes the dynamic of the paragraph :-)

Aside from that one problem phrase at the start of the essay I do not see any real problems with it. Your work is informative and answers the prompt in a manner that shows a clear career path on your part. I commend you for the obvious thought and care that you placed into the formulation of your response. It truly made the essay worth reading.

Letters / COVER LETTER FOR UN SECURITY OFFICER POST [4]

Rajender, while your letter is quite informative and expressive, it is too long. A cover letter should be no more than 3 paragraphs with your most important work experience noted in bullet form for easy and immediate information of the recruitment officer. This letter is only supposed to be a summary of your resume / bio data therefore the description in the letter should only be an overview of the positions you held, work duties involved and length of service. All in bullet format. Your letter should also indicate your desire to work in a specific position and why you believe that you are a viable candidate for the position. Keep it short yet informative. Do not provide too much information as it will become a redundancy of the documents you submitted along with your application.This is only supposed to be an introduction, not a personal statement.

Writing Feedback / I strongly oppose to the use of TV ads on young children [5]

This version is definitely better than the last. The addition that you made to the paragraphs really work even though there are some grammar issues to address. There is just a problem with the way that you present your opinion in the essay. As you know, the essay writing rules dictate that you cannot use the conclusion to present new ideas in the essay. In this case, you presented your point of view as a part of the conclusion instead of as a stand alone paragraph. You need to revise that and develop your opinion further in order to properly prove your opposition to the targeting of children in TV ads. After you clearly present that part, you can finally conclude the essay with a summary of the prompt, discussion points, and your opinion.

Writing Feedback / I'm in need of help on how to convey myself better [4]

Khanh, we would be able to analyze your essay better and also assist you with expressing yourself if you could tell us what the essay prompt you are trying to answer is. The prompt will be the guideline that we will follow in assessing your essay so that we can tell you which portions you can improve and what you can delete or add to make the overall essay better. Please provide the prompt as soon as possible so that we can accomplish that task. In the meantime, let me offer you an overview of your current essay.

I am unclear at the moment as to whether you should be addressing this essay in the past or present tense. Mostly because these essays are normally written to refer to the past events in the student's life. Perhaps you should double check the essay prompt just to make sure that you are using the proper tense in the sentences? There are also a number of grammatical and sentence structure errors in the essay that need to be fixed regardless of the prompt that you are trying to answer.

I hope that you will be able to provide the prompt soon so that we can move on to revising the essay.

Essays / The main aspects of your mobility proposal. Lotus+ Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Application Form [7]

Kuoy, study proposal essays all have the same basis in that the scientific factors need to be represented in your research. When you write your proposal, make sure to point out / specifically mention the following:

1. The computer science problem that you have identified and wish to find a solution to;
2. present a theoretical background and your possible approach to the problem (problem resolution);
3. the time frame that you hope to resolve the problem in and what expenses you might have to answer for during the research.

The aforementioned criteria are the commonly known criteria for writing your essay. You should still remember to consult with your project adviser when the time comes for the specific requirements of your research proposal :-) It varies depending upon the topic or research method that you have chosen. I hope my advise helps :-) I am not too familiar with computer science proposal essays so I only gave you the advice that I know about the common scientific proposal papers :-) They all have the same foundation as far as I know.

Scholarship / Smiles Foundation: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You [10]

Here is a sample opening statement that I hope will help merge the two ideas that exist as separate ideas in your essay at the moment. I hope you can use it as the basis for your revision :-)

I participate in two unrelated worlds of public service that have each managed to teach me something important about community service and leadership. In one community, the Smiles Foundation, I function as a community member helping to better the lives of others. While in the other community, as a IT department head of (name of company), I learned all about leadership and the importance of team work. Values which I hope to contribute to the ASU community once I begin the school term next year.

From that point you can discuss the Smile Foundation without having to relate it to the IT world. Just make sure to properly transition the paragraph before you begin discussing your IT work. Do you think you can develop a transition sentence for the two on your own?

Scholarship / Nigeria. Describe your vision for your country and how you hope to contribute to that vision [3]

Leonard, there is still something about the essay that does not work. I think it is because you are referring to Nigeria as a person instead of a country. I would like you to try something different in approaching this essay that just might work. Instead of explaining how you view Nigeria in 5-10 years and then enumerating the steps you will be taking to correct it, talk about the things that you want to do in Nigeria to help alleviate the country's situation over 5-10 years instead. Hopefully, this method of writing will seamlessly present your vision for Nigeria and your contributions to the improvement of your country in paragraph form. I am sorry to have to ask you to constantly keep changing the content and format of your essay. These are the steps that it takes to create an essay that will eventually feel perfect enough for you to submit with your other application documents :-) I ask you to be patient as I try to guide you towards that end result :-)

Undergraduate / For Good Measure: ApplyTexas Topic A; Interacting with people with different beliefs/experiences [4]

Arianne, that is the perfect anecdote to accompany this essay. It truly explains why you have a belief in the importance of numbers and how your way of thinking would conflict with others who do not give the same weight to numbers results as you do. I would advice you to make that a separate paragraph though and develop the anecdote a little bit more. Try to explain how you felt after seeing the results of your first SAT and how the numbers translated to what would equate to harsh words reprimanding you if it were compared to an oral or written assessment of your exam results. That would help the readers better identify with why you said " I knew that based on my score, it clearly wasn't. ". Give us the sense of reasoning behind that statement from you. It was quite strong. Ride the emotion and logic that it built up :-)

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

Adeyemi, use the following as the template for your revision or use it in totality if you want to :-) :

My father lost his job. That is a fact that most families deal with in today's financially strapped world. For most families, this would mean the end of the marriage of the parents and the ruin of the family unit that a child badly needs in his life. When my father lost his job, my family stayed strong and united. All because of the one figure in the family who served as our guiding light and source of strength, my father's wife, our mother.

[...]

Undergraduate / UtProsim is way more than just a Latin saying, it's a lifestyle. VA Tech Essay application [4]


- Try to be specific instead of general. Explain the activities on campus that embodied UTProsim. Relate how you identified with it and then comment about how the Latin saying truly has relevance in today's world and is embodied by the students of the university. That should help you make a definitive comment about the Latin term.

Instead of explaining what you saw during your visit to the campus that embodied the saying, you should instead discuss how you feel about the Latin saying and how the students of the university apply it to their lives. You are supposed to comment about the saying. Not just offer an observation or explain what you understand about it. A comment means to give your point of view about an issue. After commenting, you should try to make a comment that tells the admissions officer how you plan to enhance UTProsim during your time there as a student. That ought to fix the essay / statement for you :-)

Scholarship / My four years plans essay when I lose this scholarship [6]

Adeyemi, let me offer you an example of how to answer this particular prompt. It does not need to be this long nor long winded. Consider the following a template for your next revision :-)

My family has always struggled to make ends meet on a day to day basis. Our financial struggles weighed down my family so much that finishing school, be it primary, secondary, or tertiary, was never a sure thing for my sibling and I. Yet it never deterred us from dreaming of and achieving dreams that went far beyond the abilities of our station in life. Our determination to change our lives for the better has always been the driving force behind everything that we do, regardless of failure. That is why I know that even if I am unfortunate enough to not be awarded this scholarship, I will never give up on my dreams of college. Although it will be rough and it may take me longer than four years, I am determined to get my college diploma and have a rewarding career afterwards.

I am currently working part time to help my family with our immediate needs. I work harder than everyone else in the family because I am pushed to provide for my own educational needs. Having said that, I know that without this scholarship, I will triple my efforts to work and earn the money that I need to fund my college education. Working part time and studying is not a bad habit for one to have and in my case, it will be only way that I can achieve my goals and ambitions in life. I need to help myself because if I don't help myself first, there won't be a reason for other people to want to help me either. So I will have to figure out the perfect balance between work and academics. Impossible? I don't believe so.

Sure working and studying at the same time could have an adverse effect on my academic standing. Provided I do not fail in any of my classes, then I have not failed as a student and I know that I will eventually achieve my dreams. As Abraham Lincoln once said ''I walk slowly, but I never walk backward''. Therefore, with or without this scholarship, I will achieve my college dreams and improve my lot in life. I will just have to work harder and longer to achieve it. I won't give up because by persevering in life, I know that the rewards at the end will be sweeter and well deserved on my part.

See how this template works as a reference for you. Feel free to use this as is if you wish to also. I won't mind :-)

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Thank you for the compliments Adeyemi. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to grant any permissions at this forum. I am only a user just like you are :-)What you are asking me to review for you are statements and those statements have been dealt with in this forum in the past. I have seen others post their "statements" in this forum for review though and their posts were allowed and were actually discussed. I have even participated in a few of those "statement" reviews. I suggest that you post those two statements as separate threads in the forum and allow everyone to participate in helping you revise it :-) You can choose to follow the advice that best suits your needs.

Writing Feedback / I strongly oppose to the use of TV ads on young children [5]

Phuong, your first line of reason about a balanced meal is flawed. 2-5 year old children do not have any idea what "a balanced meal" is or what it means. They don't care about the words in advertising. They only pay attention to the images onscreen. The actions taking place on screen and "child directed" dialogue are what they remember and what influences their early lifestyle choices. I suggest that you revise the first reason to reflect these reasons which will tie in directly, and offer a transition statement into your second line of reasoning which is spot on for the discussion. By the way, you are not allowed to pose a question in any type of essay without placing your response to it after. You will need to delete that question since you don't answer it within the essay.

By the way, you need to practice timed writing so never take more than 30 minutes to complete the research, draft, and final version of the essay. I know it is hard to do because you are not a native English speaker. That is why you should read more English materials relating to current events and pop culture during your free time. It will be a plus to already have a little familiarity with the possible essay topics that you may have to deal with during the practice tests. It will offer you a better chance at presenting a more polished and informative TOEFL essay during the actual test.

Graduate / Enhancing energy efficiency is an important issue for oil and gas companies; letter @ my dream univ [2]

Afraah, the important question that this letter should answer is "How will completing this higher degree program help my career in the future?". Consider what qualifications you have at the moment and how it relates to your future work objectives. Disregard your college accomplishments, those do not amount to much in higher learning applications. That information should only be skimmed over as a part of your educational foundation. You need to show the reader that you are a qualified student based upon your current work experience and future goals. Mentioning your current work experience and recently attended seminars or training programs will also be a definite plus in such applications. Don't dwell on the past too much. What you think may be impressive and applicable from that time may not serve any purpose at present. Stick to portraying yourself as a strong candidate for the school based upon your current work experience, training and seminars, short and long term goals, and finally, the need or reason for your desire to complete these studies. Talk about YOU TODAY NOT THE YOU IN THE PAST.

Essays / The main aspects of your mobility proposal. Lotus+ Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Application Form [7]

A mobility program is described as an opportunity for higher learning students to gain limited work permits in the country where they are studying through the Erasmus Program. The aim of the mobility program is to allow the student to work in the host country in a setting related to his field of study in order to provide outside of the classroom knowledge and experience. Your plans in relation to the type of work that you wish to engage in (in a limited capacity) as a student at the institution must relate to the field of study you are enrolled in and allow you to show a progression as a student and as a professional. The information you relay to the university in relation to the mobility program will be one of the major criteria that will be considered during the application review process.

What you have to do now is find a company in the country where your university is located that has open programs for such types of students. The university usually has partner companies that will consider you for limited work experience with them. You should contact the university about further details relating to your application and that portion of your essay. It is not an easy essay to complete because it it quite intricate and requires a tremendous amount of planning. Good luck with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / The development of economy, technology & many other fields has profoundly transformed human society [2]

Vi, the introduction is incomplete because you did not present your point of view as part of the first paragraph. You must include a restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and your personal opinion in that paragraph because it is required by the prompt. Without a proper introduction to the problem, the introduction becomes incomplete and does not allow the reader to discover whose opinions are being presented in the essay. This becomes even more evident as one advances in reading the essay and upon reaching the end, learns that while both sides of the matter were discussed, you did not add your own opinion in the essay. I suggest that you revise the essay by adding your own opinion as a paragraph before your conclusion, then revise your conclusion to reflect the same. After you do that, the grammar errors can already be corrected.

Letters / I am writing to express my enthusiasm for the Master's program in Computer Science and Engineering [4]

X, the admissions officer will not have interest in rehashing the information about your college accomplishments in relation to a masters degree. Your letter should only discuss the reason you want to enroll in the program (which is usually related to your desire to improve your status in the workplace or new employment opportunities in a related field), your current work experience in the related fields, and finally, your short and long term goals after completing the program. It is vital that you present yourself as a viable candidate for masters school based upon your current experience because the masters program requires a hands-on and work experience acquired knowledge for its participants. You are no longer in college. What was impressive then is not impressive now. You should have enough practical experience under your belt at the moment to qualify you for the next step of advanced education. Kindly revise the essay in that format in order to make it more acceptable as a motivation letter. While your strong desire and academic background is admirable, it is not enough reason for advanced education schools to admit you into their demanding masters programs.

Writing Feedback / Plants can provide food, shelter, clothing, or medicine. What is one kind of plant that is important [2]

Shin, save for a few negligible grammatical errors in your essay this is a pretty good effort on your part. There is a clear understanding on your part of the prompt requirements and your thought process is more coherent in this essay than your previous attempts. The essay provides an insight into rice as an important commodity for Vietnam. However, I believe you should point out that it is an important plant throughout Asia as well because Asian eating habits require rice to go with the meals just as bread is a staple for American food. The sound reasons that you provided helped to give authority to the message of your paper and allows you to show the great concern and interest on your part in rice as a method of improving your country. In a grade of 4 out of 5, I would give this a 4.5.

Writing Feedback / Each generations have unique features with technology development. My time is different in many ways [3]

Meenu, this is supposed to be approached as a compare and contrast essay between two generations. Therefore, when you discussed the lifestyle of your parents at a similar age to yours, you should have also discussed the same for your generation. Meaning, if your parent's lifestyle was relaxed, what kind of lifestyle does your generation live now? How different is it? The discussion about your generation being technology dependent should have been compared to your parents lifestyle in the sense that it was their generation that lay the foundation for the development of today's modern technology. Due to the lapses in the way the essay was discussed, and the severe grammatical errors in it (gob instead of job) I would give this essay a mark of 4. You need to learn to proofread your essays before submitting. Check for spelling and punctuation errors and make sure that the thought process is clear throughout the paragraphs.