Undergraduate / I had a great life in Russia, but I have always been challenging myself - BOARDING SCHOOL ESSAY [2]

Anastasia, your essay is quite interesting but you managed to clump together 2 years worth of experience into only one paragraph. You should have at least 2 paragraphs for this essay. Each paragraph represents one summer and contains all of the notable activities and accomplishments that you have from that period. You don't even need to mention your father at this point. His presence is not relevant to the summer activities that you had. Drop that part from the essay and revise the content. This time, make sure to tell us what you did during the summer of 2013 and the summer of 2014 or the summer of 2013 and 2013. Just your activities. If it was all about TOEFL preparation then discuss that in full. Now, about the Grier School. Was this a school that you attended over the summer? If it wasn't then it does not belong in this essay either. It does not sound like a summer activity school because you had to pass the TOEFL to attend it. Please be more mindful of the little details in your essay that can affect the information presented within. Stick to only the summer months and nothing more.

Graduate / HOW TO STRESS MY JOB AS A RESEARCHER MORE EFFECTIVELY? sop-civil Eng. [9]

Hamed, your SOP is too wordy and offers information that is already irrelevant to a Statement of Purpose of Masters studies. In all of the SOP's that I have assisted in reviewing here, I have always reminded the writers that there are only 4 major points you have to discuss in a statement of purpose to make it effective. These points are:

1. What is the masters degree you are applying for?
2. How does it relate to your current work experience?
3. State your relevant work experience that will support the need for higher studies (e.g. job promotion or change of careers within the same field)

4. Your long and short term goals after completing the degree.

It does not matter how extensive your college experience is or what kind of hands on training you got as a student. What matters now is your professional reference. The actual work that you have done, seminars and other training programs you may have attended, and the reason behind your desire for a masters degree. You are no longer in college. It is assumed that you have been working for at least 2 years as a C.E. before applying to graduate school. Nothing you did in college is impressive anymore because those were all academic. A Masters is all about the practical job application in an advanced environment already. Thinking that your college accomplishments matter is wrong to a certain degree. You can mention, skim, and summarize your college experience, but it cannot take up almost 75% of the content of the paper. 75% of the paper should contain your current and immediate past accomplishments in the workplace or in any advanced studies you have taken up so far.

Maybe it pretty obvious that I am driving at a need to revise your essay. You really need to do that in order to present a more professional looking and sounding statement of purpose to the university you are applying to.

Writing Feedback / Crime and fixed punishments. Discuss both views and give opinion [2]


- Chris, you don't provide this last, you provide this as a part of your introduction in order to show the flow of discussion throughout the paper and allow the reader to anticipate the paragraph changes and content. State your opinion.

- Good discussion, but incomplete. You jump directly to your opinion in the next paragraph without discussing the varying punishments depending upon the degree of crime committed. Remember, 2 sides, the opposing and the supporting have to be discussed before you present your opinion.


- Your opinion cannot be introduced as the closing statement as it presents another idea in relation to the discussion. Keep in mind that the conclusion of your essay must only contain a restated prompt, summary of points discussed, and a repeat of your opinion. No new ideas can be presented in the conclusion. That is a hard essay writing rule.

Undergraduate / Beyond your academic credentials, what else makes you unique and colorful? William and Mary essay [3]

Lauren, this is definitely an inspiring essay that takes us from your youth to the person you are today. The inquisitiveness and ability to go after what you feel you need to learn in order to get the answers you want are abilities that admissions officers admire in students. This go-getter attitude shows that you will not fail in your college studies because you simply will not let yourself fail. I just have one question though, and this might be because I never paid attention to the world map but, is Russia supposed to be the tip of the earth? I think that telling us how you planned to prove your child like theories would be an interesting touch. Specially if it involved going to Russia to find its highest point to jump off of, or something like that :-)

Undergraduate / Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage [10]

This is definitely an essay that better describes the world that you come from. The two worlds actually. Your opening statement certainly delivers a strong impact that I am sure will hook in the reader. I have some suggestions to make that I I feel will help improve your essay. I hope you feel the same.

- "By the way, what are you?" For my entire life, people have been posing this question before me. They could never seem to accept that one can be a Samsae, third generation Korean immigrant born in Japan. It seems that to them, I could only be either Korean or Japanese, but never a hybrid of both leading Asian country descendants. I never thought that I had to define myself by race or country, that seemed pointless because I believe that ...

- You can delete this portion because what you have to say in it is not as important as the one that comes after it. Do not spend time on half developed or little informative paragraphs.

- Do not deviate from the prompt. You are only being asked to describe the world that you come from. You are not being asked how your inclusion in American society will add to its diversity. Write a strong closing statement instead that describes how your being a Samsae has helped Japan become a better, diversified country because of what you learned at your work in the museum. Then relate the two cultures in a way that explains how they no longer exist separately in you but rather, exists as a unique kind of person in your being and why.

Scholarship / I can always remember the feeling of wanting to know just how computers worked [2]

Leonard, the essay is not asking you about your past interest and experience with computer information. It is asking you to think forward by imagining what your future will be like as a s student and after you graduate from ASU. You are being asked to outline your student objectives, this means that you need to let them know what you hope to achieve academically by the time that you graduate. What might the topic for your thesis be? Or perhaps imagine what kind of programming breakthrough you will be on the verge of discovering at that point. As for the career objectives, look into the IT needs of Nigeria and then discuss how you plan to make your positive contribution to its development from the grassroots level. From what you have related, Nigeria is way behind its competitors and badly needs help catching up. Explain how you may want to create a international network of contacts as a student at ASU that you hope to take back to Nigeria with you as potential investors. Those are some guidelines that you can use in revising the content of your essay.

Undergraduate / I always I asked my mom when I would get the chance to go inside of one plane [3]

Jagrit, this is a very interesting story but has become superficial in content because of the concentration on your desire to enter and ride an airplane. That should merely be the starting point of your essay, not your main theme. The reason that I say this is because there is a stronger story that needs to be developed which is the fact that you were an 8 year old who had not seen his father in 9 months and now, you were getting onto a plane to meet him again, this time as an immigrant, leaving behind all that was familiar to you in India. Tone done the details about the plane and instead, play up the sad actors of leaving India while building up the details of the best day of your ride, the fact that the plane took you to meet your father. Then detail the reunion that you had. Can this be done in 250 words? You will probably have a hard time doing it, but if you can revise the essay with the information needed to bring the word count down, we can help you meet the word count without a problem :-)

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Definitely mention the slum girls and any other experience that you have which can possibly indicate a non academic learning environment for you. The goal here is to show and highlight the fact that you managed to get some sort of education while away from the academic setting. Reiterate the fact that these girls inspired you to retake the SAT's and dream higher and bigger than you used to. Explain how that year away from school was not only a learning, but also a reflective experience for you that helped you find your true path in life. However, you should not make yourself sound like too much of a wanderer. Instead, portray yourself as someone who had many paths to choose from in life and needed help on deciding which one would be perfect for you. That is how you can perfectly work in the slum girls story into your essay. Make them the inspiring point of that whole year in your life :-)

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

In that case, you must concentrate on explaining how you spent a full academic year just preparing for your SAT's. What did you do in preparation during this time? Be detailed. Discuss the lessons you learned about yourself and your desire to finish school during this time. Try to offer a look into your world during that gap year. Explain why you neglected to pass the SAT's the first time you took it. The year it took you to prepare to take the test again must have been nerve wracking but eye opening for you. Be sure to point that out in your essay. The admissions officer needs to be convinced that you have an acceptable reason for having taken a gap year in order to make him or her consider your application. Not passing the SAT's and needing to take time to better prepare for the second take is a very acceptable reason to have taken a gap year. Concentrate on that in order to show that you have matured over the past year. Whether you have volunteer activities to speak of or not does not matter at this point. You have found your reason for the gap year already :-)

Letters / I am writing to express my enthusiasm for the Master's program in Computer Science and Engineering [4]

X, don't worry about it. That is why we are here to guide you :-) You do not need to explain that you did not get a job immediately after graduation, but you do need to prove that you have been using your education in some sort of manner. Be it in a part time or advisory capacity. After all, being a graduate school student, it is assumed that you have at least 1.5 years work experience under your belt and your desire to achieve advanced studies is related to job security or promotions. If you have reasons other than that, then make sure to mention it as well. While explaining what you did in college does help in a way, it is not impressive since you have not used it in an actual work setting, thus the effectiveness of your accomplishments are diminished in terms of impressiveness and impact on the reader. Think about it, when considering two candidates for the school program, who would you choose, the one who graduated and did not work in his field of study after almost a year of graduation, or the applicant who has at least a year of actual work experience in his credentials? One has only hypothetical and controlled environment accomplishments to present, the other, actual work experience and hands on training? I think the answer is quite obvious. Remember, you want to make the reader believe that you have the best credentials and truly require these advanced studies in your line of work. If you are not practicing what you studied, why are you even applying to graduate school? Of what use will the advanced studies be to you?

Since you cannot offer any accomplishments in terms of professional experience, you definitely need to concentrate on your professional goals and how the program can help you achieve your short and long term objectives. Yes, you need to mention your career objectives in order to prove that you plan on making a career out of what you are studying, even if it is taking you some time to get around to it :-)

Undergraduate / "Young antique" - challenge myself; common prompt1 essay [7]

Cheng, I understand that this is some sort of personal essay for the common app prompt. the problem, is that I have no idea regarding what the requirements of the common app essay is. You need to provide the thesis statement for the prompt so that the essay can be properly reviewed for content and grammar usage. Don't forget that we can only provide accurate advice to you based upon the instructions that are provided to us. We need to know where the essay should be headed so that we can guide you towards that end result.

Right now the essay seems too wordy and can use some work in cutting down the word count. We also need a better explanation as to why you were called a "young antique" by your coach. What exactly is the purpose of your story? Which portions should be front and center in the story? These are all questions that can be answered and addressed better once you provide the complete essay prompt for the accurate review of your essay.

Undergraduate / 'The study of physics never fails to bore me' - Governor's School Essay - Computational Physics [2]


-Jongheon, this is a red flag sentence. You just told the reader that you do not like the subject of physics. Rather than saying "never fails to bore me" you can instead try to say "the study of physics always excites me." Just replacing the word "bored" to "excites" totally changes the dynamic of the paragraph :-)

Aside from that one problem phrase at the start of the essay I do not see any real problems with it. Your work is informative and answers the prompt in a manner that shows a clear career path on your part. I commend you for the obvious thought and care that you placed into the formulation of your response. It truly made the essay worth reading.

Letters / COVER LETTER FOR UN SECURITY OFFICER POST [4]

Rajender, while your letter is quite informative and expressive, it is too long. A cover letter should be no more than 3 paragraphs with your most important work experience noted in bullet form for easy and immediate information of the recruitment officer. This letter is only supposed to be a summary of your resume / bio data therefore the description in the letter should only be an overview of the positions you held, work duties involved and length of service. All in bullet format. Your letter should also indicate your desire to work in a specific position and why you believe that you are a viable candidate for the position. Keep it short yet informative. Do not provide too much information as it will become a redundancy of the documents you submitted along with your application.This is only supposed to be an introduction, not a personal statement.

Writing Feedback / I strongly oppose to the use of TV ads on young children [5]

This version is definitely better than the last. The addition that you made to the paragraphs really work even though there are some grammar issues to address. There is just a problem with the way that you present your opinion in the essay. As you know, the essay writing rules dictate that you cannot use the conclusion to present new ideas in the essay. In this case, you presented your point of view as a part of the conclusion instead of as a stand alone paragraph. You need to revise that and develop your opinion further in order to properly prove your opposition to the targeting of children in TV ads. After you clearly present that part, you can finally conclude the essay with a summary of the prompt, discussion points, and your opinion.

Writing Feedback / I'm in need of help on how to convey myself better [4]

Khanh, we would be able to analyze your essay better and also assist you with expressing yourself if you could tell us what the essay prompt you are trying to answer is. The prompt will be the guideline that we will follow in assessing your essay so that we can tell you which portions you can improve and what you can delete or add to make the overall essay better. Please provide the prompt as soon as possible so that we can accomplish that task. In the meantime, let me offer you an overview of your current essay.

I am unclear at the moment as to whether you should be addressing this essay in the past or present tense. Mostly because these essays are normally written to refer to the past events in the student's life. Perhaps you should double check the essay prompt just to make sure that you are using the proper tense in the sentences? There are also a number of grammatical and sentence structure errors in the essay that need to be fixed regardless of the prompt that you are trying to answer.

I hope that you will be able to provide the prompt soon so that we can move on to revising the essay.

Essays / The main aspects of your mobility proposal. Lotus+ Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Application Form [7]

Kuoy, study proposal essays all have the same basis in that the scientific factors need to be represented in your research. When you write your proposal, make sure to point out / specifically mention the following:

1. The computer science problem that you have identified and wish to find a solution to;
2. present a theoretical background and your possible approach to the problem (problem resolution);
3. the time frame that you hope to resolve the problem in and what expenses you might have to answer for during the research.

The aforementioned criteria are the commonly known criteria for writing your essay. You should still remember to consult with your project adviser when the time comes for the specific requirements of your research proposal :-) It varies depending upon the topic or research method that you have chosen. I hope my advise helps :-) I am not too familiar with computer science proposal essays so I only gave you the advice that I know about the common scientific proposal papers :-) They all have the same foundation as far as I know.

Scholarship / Smiles Foundation: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You [10]

Here is a sample opening statement that I hope will help merge the two ideas that exist as separate ideas in your essay at the moment. I hope you can use it as the basis for your revision :-)

I participate in two unrelated worlds of public service that have each managed to teach me something important about community service and leadership. In one community, the Smiles Foundation, I function as a community member helping to better the lives of others. While in the other community, as a IT department head of (name of company), I learned all about leadership and the importance of team work. Values which I hope to contribute to the ASU community once I begin the school term next year.

From that point you can discuss the Smile Foundation without having to relate it to the IT world. Just make sure to properly transition the paragraph before you begin discussing your IT work. Do you think you can develop a transition sentence for the two on your own?

Scholarship / Nigeria. Describe your vision for your country and how you hope to contribute to that vision [3]

Leonard, there is still something about the essay that does not work. I think it is because you are referring to Nigeria as a person instead of a country. I would like you to try something different in approaching this essay that just might work. Instead of explaining how you view Nigeria in 5-10 years and then enumerating the steps you will be taking to correct it, talk about the things that you want to do in Nigeria to help alleviate the country's situation over 5-10 years instead. Hopefully, this method of writing will seamlessly present your vision for Nigeria and your contributions to the improvement of your country in paragraph form. I am sorry to have to ask you to constantly keep changing the content and format of your essay. These are the steps that it takes to create an essay that will eventually feel perfect enough for you to submit with your other application documents :-) I ask you to be patient as I try to guide you towards that end result :-)

Undergraduate / For Good Measure: ApplyTexas Topic A; Interacting with people with different beliefs/experiences [4]

Arianne, that is the perfect anecdote to accompany this essay. It truly explains why you have a belief in the importance of numbers and how your way of thinking would conflict with others who do not give the same weight to numbers results as you do. I would advice you to make that a separate paragraph though and develop the anecdote a little bit more. Try to explain how you felt after seeing the results of your first SAT and how the numbers translated to what would equate to harsh words reprimanding you if it were compared to an oral or written assessment of your exam results. That would help the readers better identify with why you said " I knew that based on my score, it clearly wasn't. ". Give us the sense of reasoning behind that statement from you. It was quite strong. Ride the emotion and logic that it built up :-)

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

Adeyemi, use the following as the template for your revision or use it in totality if you want to :-) :

My father lost his job. That is a fact that most families deal with in today's financially strapped world. For most families, this would mean the end of the marriage of the parents and the ruin of the family unit that a child badly needs in his life. When my father lost his job, my family stayed strong and united. All because of the one figure in the family who served as our guiding light and source of strength, my father's wife, our mother.

[...]

Undergraduate / UtProsim is way more than just a Latin saying, it's a lifestyle. VA Tech Essay application [4]


- Try to be specific instead of general. Explain the activities on campus that embodied UTProsim. Relate how you identified with it and then comment about how the Latin saying truly has relevance in today's world and is embodied by the students of the university. That should help you make a definitive comment about the Latin term.

Instead of explaining what you saw during your visit to the campus that embodied the saying, you should instead discuss how you feel about the Latin saying and how the students of the university apply it to their lives. You are supposed to comment about the saying. Not just offer an observation or explain what you understand about it. A comment means to give your point of view about an issue. After commenting, you should try to make a comment that tells the admissions officer how you plan to enhance UTProsim during your time there as a student. That ought to fix the essay / statement for you :-)

Scholarship / My four years plans essay when I lose this scholarship [6]

Adeyemi, let me offer you an example of how to answer this particular prompt. It does not need to be this long nor long winded. Consider the following a template for your next revision :-)

My family has always struggled to make ends meet on a day to day basis. Our financial struggles weighed down my family so much that finishing school, be it primary, secondary, or tertiary, was never a sure thing for my sibling and I. Yet it never deterred us from dreaming of and achieving dreams that went far beyond the abilities of our station in life. Our determination to change our lives for the better has always been the driving force behind everything that we do, regardless of failure. That is why I know that even if I am unfortunate enough to not be awarded this scholarship, I will never give up on my dreams of college. Although it will be rough and it may take me longer than four years, I am determined to get my college diploma and have a rewarding career afterwards.

I am currently working part time to help my family with our immediate needs. I work harder than everyone else in the family because I am pushed to provide for my own educational needs. Having said that, I know that without this scholarship, I will triple my efforts to work and earn the money that I need to fund my college education. Working part time and studying is not a bad habit for one to have and in my case, it will be only way that I can achieve my goals and ambitions in life. I need to help myself because if I don't help myself first, there won't be a reason for other people to want to help me either. So I will have to figure out the perfect balance between work and academics. Impossible? I don't believe so.

Sure working and studying at the same time could have an adverse effect on my academic standing. Provided I do not fail in any of my classes, then I have not failed as a student and I know that I will eventually achieve my dreams. As Abraham Lincoln once said ''I walk slowly, but I never walk backward''. Therefore, with or without this scholarship, I will achieve my college dreams and improve my lot in life. I will just have to work harder and longer to achieve it. I won't give up because by persevering in life, I know that the rewards at the end will be sweeter and well deserved on my part.

See how this template works as a reference for you. Feel free to use this as is if you wish to also. I won't mind :-)

Undergraduate / I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition [9]

Thank you for the compliments Adeyemi. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to grant any permissions at this forum. I am only a user just like you are :-)What you are asking me to review for you are statements and those statements have been dealt with in this forum in the past. I have seen others post their "statements" in this forum for review though and their posts were allowed and were actually discussed. I have even participated in a few of those "statement" reviews. I suggest that you post those two statements as separate threads in the forum and allow everyone to participate in helping you revise it :-) You can choose to follow the advice that best suits your needs.

Writing Feedback / I strongly oppose to the use of TV ads on young children [5]

Phuong, your first line of reason about a balanced meal is flawed. 2-5 year old children do not have any idea what "a balanced meal" is or what it means. They don't care about the words in advertising. They only pay attention to the images onscreen. The actions taking place on screen and "child directed" dialogue are what they remember and what influences their early lifestyle choices. I suggest that you revise the first reason to reflect these reasons which will tie in directly, and offer a transition statement into your second line of reasoning which is spot on for the discussion. By the way, you are not allowed to pose a question in any type of essay without placing your response to it after. You will need to delete that question since you don't answer it within the essay.

By the way, you need to practice timed writing so never take more than 30 minutes to complete the research, draft, and final version of the essay. I know it is hard to do because you are not a native English speaker. That is why you should read more English materials relating to current events and pop culture during your free time. It will be a plus to already have a little familiarity with the possible essay topics that you may have to deal with during the practice tests. It will offer you a better chance at presenting a more polished and informative TOEFL essay during the actual test.

Graduate / Enhancing energy efficiency is an important issue for oil and gas companies; letter @ my dream univ [2]

Afraah, the important question that this letter should answer is "How will completing this higher degree program help my career in the future?". Consider what qualifications you have at the moment and how it relates to your future work objectives. Disregard your college accomplishments, those do not amount to much in higher learning applications. That information should only be skimmed over as a part of your educational foundation. You need to show the reader that you are a qualified student based upon your current work experience and future goals. Mentioning your current work experience and recently attended seminars or training programs will also be a definite plus in such applications. Don't dwell on the past too much. What you think may be impressive and applicable from that time may not serve any purpose at present. Stick to portraying yourself as a strong candidate for the school based upon your current work experience, training and seminars, short and long term goals, and finally, the need or reason for your desire to complete these studies. Talk about YOU TODAY NOT THE YOU IN THE PAST.

Essays / The main aspects of your mobility proposal. Lotus+ Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Application Form [7]

A mobility program is described as an opportunity for higher learning students to gain limited work permits in the country where they are studying through the Erasmus Program. The aim of the mobility program is to allow the student to work in the host country in a setting related to his field of study in order to provide outside of the classroom knowledge and experience. Your plans in relation to the type of work that you wish to engage in (in a limited capacity) as a student at the institution must relate to the field of study you are enrolled in and allow you to show a progression as a student and as a professional. The information you relay to the university in relation to the mobility program will be one of the major criteria that will be considered during the application review process.

What you have to do now is find a company in the country where your university is located that has open programs for such types of students. The university usually has partner companies that will consider you for limited work experience with them. You should contact the university about further details relating to your application and that portion of your essay. It is not an easy essay to complete because it it quite intricate and requires a tremendous amount of planning. Good luck with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / The development of economy, technology & many other fields has profoundly transformed human society [2]

Vi, the introduction is incomplete because you did not present your point of view as part of the first paragraph. You must include a restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and your personal opinion in that paragraph because it is required by the prompt. Without a proper introduction to the problem, the introduction becomes incomplete and does not allow the reader to discover whose opinions are being presented in the essay. This becomes even more evident as one advances in reading the essay and upon reaching the end, learns that while both sides of the matter were discussed, you did not add your own opinion in the essay. I suggest that you revise the essay by adding your own opinion as a paragraph before your conclusion, then revise your conclusion to reflect the same. After you do that, the grammar errors can already be corrected.

Letters / I am writing to express my enthusiasm for the Master's program in Computer Science and Engineering [4]

X, the admissions officer will not have interest in rehashing the information about your college accomplishments in relation to a masters degree. Your letter should only discuss the reason you want to enroll in the program (which is usually related to your desire to improve your status in the workplace or new employment opportunities in a related field), your current work experience in the related fields, and finally, your short and long term goals after completing the program. It is vital that you present yourself as a viable candidate for masters school based upon your current experience because the masters program requires a hands-on and work experience acquired knowledge for its participants. You are no longer in college. What was impressive then is not impressive now. You should have enough practical experience under your belt at the moment to qualify you for the next step of advanced education. Kindly revise the essay in that format in order to make it more acceptable as a motivation letter. While your strong desire and academic background is admirable, it is not enough reason for advanced education schools to admit you into their demanding masters programs.

Writing Feedback / Plants can provide food, shelter, clothing, or medicine. What is one kind of plant that is important [2]

Shin, save for a few negligible grammatical errors in your essay this is a pretty good effort on your part. There is a clear understanding on your part of the prompt requirements and your thought process is more coherent in this essay than your previous attempts. The essay provides an insight into rice as an important commodity for Vietnam. However, I believe you should point out that it is an important plant throughout Asia as well because Asian eating habits require rice to go with the meals just as bread is a staple for American food. The sound reasons that you provided helped to give authority to the message of your paper and allows you to show the great concern and interest on your part in rice as a method of improving your country. In a grade of 4 out of 5, I would give this a 4.5.

Writing Feedback / Each generations have unique features with technology development. My time is different in many ways [3]

Meenu, this is supposed to be approached as a compare and contrast essay between two generations. Therefore, when you discussed the lifestyle of your parents at a similar age to yours, you should have also discussed the same for your generation. Meaning, if your parent's lifestyle was relaxed, what kind of lifestyle does your generation live now? How different is it? The discussion about your generation being technology dependent should have been compared to your parents lifestyle in the sense that it was their generation that lay the foundation for the development of today's modern technology. Due to the lapses in the way the essay was discussed, and the severe grammatical errors in it (gob instead of job) I would give this essay a mark of 4. You need to learn to proofread your essays before submitting. Check for spelling and punctuation errors and make sure that the thought process is clear throughout the paragraphs.

Undergraduate / My life, for as long as I can remember, has been rather good. I have always had advantages. UC essay [4]

Navin, your essay comes across to me as extremely honest and grateful for all you have in life. If that is a generic essay, then you are on the right track :-) The stories that you have related actually helps the reader understand why you are different from the other immigrant students in the country. I would advise you to lessen the privilege talk and try to add to the information about the volunteer work that you did instead. That is a world totally different from your own and it definitely helped open your eyes to some other aspects of our society and way of life. It is a world that is not familiar to you and as such, helps to create a more open and different central identity for you. I believe that such a revision will truly help your essay get out of the generic feel that you think is holding it back.

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Gia, I don't see any clear reason that can qualify as your definite reason for taking a gap year. Did you take a gap year to learn how to play the guitar? I which case, you will definitely have presented yourself in a very bad light to the reading admissions officer. One of the acceptable reasons for a gap year is to be able to take a break from academics without truly giving up the learning experience. Try to relate your year away from school with some non-academic learning experiences that you have had. Volunteering your services or working for a year before college is always looked upon favorably by the admissions officers because it shows that you did not waste that year of your life. You were actually productive and learning something new in the form of life lessons. Is there a chance that you will be able to revise your essay to reflect such a development in your life? I believe that it will really help make your explanation more effective.

Scholarship / Personal statement that outlines your study and career objectives including what you will study. [3]

Chibuzo, when you mention such high profile names in your essay, you should not waste it by not following up with more information about yourself in relation to those names later on in the essay. You already stated a very good reason for wanting to study IT. You want to disprove the negative publicity associated with it by the big name wanted criminals in the world of IT today. Explain how your objectives in studying this major relate to that and make sure that you highlight the objectives of your study as being able to prove that IT is not political. Explain how it has a social consciousness that goes unnoticed these days because of the fear of privacy violations. Outline how you hope to be able to alter that mindset in the future. Your essay just spends too much time disconnecting in paragraph form from one another. You need to learn to use transition sentences and you have to develop a method of writing that will help you create that seamless connection in your essays. In this current form, it feels like I am reading a number of separate essays on a single page.

Writing Feedback / EssaySome movies are serious,other movies are amuse and entertain.Which type of movie do you prefer? [2]

Sami, there was really no need to discuss the other movie types in this essay. It was only mentioned in the prompt as a point of reference for you to consider. Your essay should be concentrated upon the movie genre that you prefer and your explanation as to why you enjoy those types of movies best. Explain how you have a connection with the movies because of a hobby or interest. Or perhaps you enjoy the movie type because of the scenery? The story lines? Maybe, even the fact that you use it as a basis for writing fan fiction? The reasons that can support your choice of movies are endless. You need to build up that discussion and make sure that you defend your choice of movies the best way that you can :-)

Undergraduate / For Good Measure: ApplyTexas Topic A; Interacting with people with different beliefs/experiences [4]

The essay works well in responding to the essay although not many readers will be able to identify with your experience. The fact that you had to deal with different beliefs and experiences relating to numbers makes this a unique and interesting essay. Mostly because numbers are considered to be precise and thus, does not leave any room for discussion or debate. You were able to show another side to that belief though which helped the essay become quite interesting. Somehow though, I feel that the essay will benefit from your concentrating on the most important time that you had to deal with the difference in opinion about numbers and then concentrate the essay upon that. It will make it easier to understand where you are coming from, what happened, and how you dealt with the situation as opposed to having to read your numerous experiences and then having to read each time about how you dealt with it. Just present one story, develop it well, and make sure it represents you in the best light :-)

Scholarship / Smiles Foundation: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You [10]

Leonard, how about shortening the introduction to the Smiles Foundation? It is simply too long when you should only be presenting the introduction to the organization as the group that you belong to where your leadership abilities are being honed for the benefit of others.

- There is a disconnection between your first and second paragraphs.First you talk about the organization and then without warning, jump to your idea of what a leader should be. You need to ease us into that paragraph. Also, you will notice that you were first discussing all about social issues handled by the organization. Then all of a sudden, you jump to an IT related issue. That just makes the essay feel extremely disconnected and without direction. You need to somehow relate you organization experience with IT instead of social consciousness.

The last part of the essay may work well with a revised version of the first 2 paragraphs. Care to give it a try? :-)

Writing Feedback / We can get knowledge from news, but some people think we can't trust the journalist. IELTS essay [6]

Have you given any thought to addressing the way that some people do not trust journalists for a number of reasons? You can discuss those reasons and then use them as transitions into the qualities that journalists should have since it is the very reasons that we don't trust journalists that they have to change in order to use to trust them more. You also need to properly answer the prompt about why we should or should not trust journalists. Present both sides of the issue. The one that supports the journalists and the one that does not. Present reasons as to why we can trust them and why we cannot trust them. You can talk about tabloid journalism, yellow journalism, payola in the media, etc. to explain why they cannot be trusted. Then explain that we can trust them because they are the traditional source of information, they put their lives on the line to bring us news, etc. That should help you strengthen the discussion aspects of your essay.

Scholarship / Smiles Foundation: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You [10]

Leonard, the key to properly writing your essay stems from this particular sentence that you wrote in it:


That should be part of your introductory statement. Explain how you came into this leadership position through hard work, creative thinking, etc. Then start a new paragraph that explains your most recent leadership experience. My example for what you experienced would go something like this:

When my team was called to service the IT needs of one of our major clients, I came to the company with my whole team. Expecting to do the job quickly, and swiftly because of the number of people i had on-board with me to meet the problem and resolve it. As the leader of the group, it was my responsibility to analyze the situation, zero in on the problem, and delegate the tasks for solution application. However, after careful analysis, I realized that I over-prepared for the situation, owing my being a new leader, and would hinder the repairs if I used the whole team. At that very moment, I made a command decision to use only a few team members and let our instruments and equipment work to solve the problem for us. However, the problem was not so easily resolved either. I spent a sleepless night trying to find a better solution to the problem and eventually found it. I applied to on a experimental basis at the site the next day and managed to resolve the issue seamlessly. I then ordered that the same solution be applied across the board in order to resolve the issue. It is this same tenacity, skill, and perfectionist attitude that I plan to take with me during my university studies. These are the attributes that I know will help me get ahead in my classes. These are also traits that I hope to pass on to my fellow students as we work together in teams or as partners, hoping to inspire them to do their best in the same manner that I inspired my work team.

Again, the above is only an example of how I would approach writing your essay. You don't have to follow it if you feel it does not suit your writing style or needs. It is just a template for your consideration :-) Remember, base the revision on the quote I noted above in order to correct the content of your essay. That is most important.

Graduate / Rainbow nation child - Diversity Essay [10]

I would definitely use the cultural diversity experience that you had while staying in South Korea. The relationship with your boyfriend should be a highlight since it is obvious that the two of you come from highly different worlds. So the individual, ethnical, and cultural diversity will be interesting to see in your story. Play on those factors by presenting a specific example for each (if possible) and then explain how you and he dealt with the situation.

For the second experience, I was wondering if you can think back to the time when you were in school? Perhaps there was a particular situation then when you experienced the difficulties presented by the 3 criteria? I am thinking that maybe you can find something in your past relating to this following comment of yours in the essay:


It would seem that in order to actively want to participate in having other people embrace their diversity, you had personally experienced some opposition to your own. If you remember any events in that aspect, you should definitely use it in the essay.

Those are just my suggestions of course. You may have some other ideas for the stories you want to use. There are no wrong or right stories for this essay. It can always be spun in such a way that it can answer the prompt. It just needs to be properly edited and at least have a window of opportunity to connect it to the prompt somehow :-) I can help you find that.

Undergraduate / I have become best friends with a stationary saw - I feel great working on my tiny house. [4]

Lucy, you can do more with the content of your essay to ensure that it answers the prompt in a clear manner. Be more specific about the challenges and obstacles that were in your path as you began this project. Illustrate how clueless you were at the start and how you had to learn how to use a hammer and a saw. Talk about how the experience served to be a learning process for you that resulted in one of the greatest accomplishments of your life. Being a woman who built a house, regardless of the degree of completion of the project, shows that you are a woman of substance. A woman who knows how to do more than is expected of her gender. So play that up as a part of your accomplishment as well. I believe that your essay stands out merely because of the topic you chose to write about as an accomplishment. We just have to make sure that your talents and accomplishments in this instance are highlighted and made the center of the essay instead of the house :-)