Graduate / Masters of Advertising - I want turn my passion about advertising into a career, not a just a job [5]

You seem to be on the right track. You may want to talk a bit more about how you hope the particular university you are applying to will help you achieve your goals. Also, the grammar could use some tweaking, as in the examples below:

"My second goal is to develop into grow into more conceptual thinker"

"Moreover, mixing a traditional campaign with and non- traditional elements can be a creativecreate different approach to advertising needs"

"I will gain the skills I need that will lead to accomplish this"

"Mrs. Lazarus spoke about how reaching consumers has is getting hard because of the deluge of advertising"

Essays / Where to Find good literary Criticism [5]

The book is too new to have gathered much critical analysis as yet, but you can find a list of what potential sources do exist here: library.duke.edu/research/summerreading/2005/literary-resour ces.html

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: education and experience at OIT and my goals. [3]

You have a fairly strong first draft here. Revising for conciseness is always a good idea. Of course, that will mean that the essay will be even shorter than it is now, whereas you were looking for ways to make it longer. You might want to consider expanding dramatically on this:

"already in my second year at OIT, I have yet to be let down once with my OIT experience, even with my high expectations. The professors at OIT and expertise in their respective subjects are second to none. The professors have a real passion for teaching and a bountiful knowledge of each and every one of their classes. The professors also are always willing to give a helping hand to any student whom may be struggling. The fundamental knowledge and information provided by the instructors at OIT has been flawless. In addition to the quality education I'm receiving in my classes, I have also gained a great amount from my experience living in the Residence Hall at OIT."

The above excerpt could benefit greatly from some specific anecdotes demonstrating how helpful the professors are, what you have learned from class, how living in residence has improved you, and so on.

Writing Feedback / Teachers should encourage their students to question everything - essay [5]

You could improve this essay by adding specific examples in your body paragraphs. For instance, in your first body paragraph, you could pick a specific theme and give examples of questions students might be encouraged to ask, as well as telling the reader what the students might learn as a result.

" . . . is fundamental to getfor them to getout the most out of class

Scholarship / Short write-up on internship application Qn [7]

You seem to be on the right track. I don't know if this will work as a template, exactly; you should probably tailor your application essays to each internship, as you seem to have tailored this one to MAS. Some grammatical fixes:

"Similarly I am applyingfor an MAS internship not for its financial benefits,but because of my identification with the goals of MAS.

"This would be possible in MAS where monetary policies are used to intervene and fight inflation, and to contribute to the growth and development of the financial sector and the Singapore economy."

"These will have great impact on our society."

Undergraduate / NJCU Essay [3]

The main problem I can see with this essay is that it sounds unconvincing, more like you are writing about why you want to go to NJCU because you have to rather than because you are genuinely enthusiastic about it. This may actually be the case, but if you are applying to go to NJCU, you should at least make an effort to sound sincere in your application essays. Okay, so the university has a diverse student body living on a pretty campus. This describes over half of the universities in America, and probably virtually all of them that anyone would want to go to. What about the university makes it appeal to you, specifically? Do you have (or can you pretend to have) some reasons that are unique to you? Also, if you do some research on the university, what does it pride itself on, apart from the obvious things? Can you work the uni's main selling points (from its perspective) into your essay?

Also: Though, if dorms were not available to me, I live close enough that I am capable of commuting .

Undergraduate / INTELLECTUAL INTERESTS; 'I love to study psychology and learn about behaviors' [6]

The obvious approach here would be to explain a bit about your own understanding of psychology. What theoretical approaches do you favor? Why? Answering these sorts of questions should allow you to complete your introduction, and give you a good idea of what you will talk about in the body of the essay.

Research Papers / 2 view of mississippi river vs. some reflection on american manner. [4]

Tocqueville's "Some Reflections on American Manners" is not written in Old English. It isn't even written in Middle English. It is, in fact, written in modern English, as you would expect from someone writing in the 1800s. If you are trying to read something written in Old English, you have got the wrong text in front of you. A decent copy can be found here: xroads.virginia.edu/~HYPER/DETOC/ch3_14.htm

Undergraduate / Do I have to take MCAT for Pharmacy ? [6]

Your best bet would be to go the web site of the university you are planning to apply to, and find the page for the department that runs the program you are applying to. From there, you should be able to find a detailed list of what you need to include in your application.

Writing Feedback / Essay About Malcolm X [3]

"In general, common people start reading from the comic books" I don't know that this is necessarily true. Also, don't confuse "common people" with "typical people" -- the two adjectives have very different connotations.

If you are going to quote Malcolm X, you should cite your source(s).

"By doing this, he not only had he taught himself the vocabulary, he had also learned how to write fast and accurately"

"Also, from the readings, he learned aboutthe ideas of other people, history, archeology, religion, genetics, and other kinds of knowledge that he couldn't learn from school." In what way can people not typically learn about history, archeology, etc. from school?

Essays / TRANSFER reasons; Need help with "What I would like to achieve" [9]

Well, you should start by explaining why you want to transfer, which will hopefully lead naturally into a discussion of what you hope to achieve by transferring. I don't know the answer to your common applications questions -- I get the idea that's an American thing, so hopefully one of the other moderators or contributors can help you out there, but if you have a choice, specific essays tailored to each one would be a better way to go.

Essays / COMPARISON AND CONTRAST PARAGRAPH - Savannah GA vs Roanoke AL [10]

Yes, you have to have a larger point that your details demonstrate. I forgot to mention that, but it is sort of vital. You could do this merely by concluding that one place is superior to the other in some respect, or you could try for something deeper.

Undergraduate / UMich - Discuss an issue of local concern, today's teens [2]

This essay is well-written. If you had more time and space, I would suggest engaging in a more in-depth discussion of what constitutes alcohol abuse, and why teenagers might engage in it ("to fit in" doesn't really work, because that is only an issue if many teenagers are already drinking. Thus, peer-pressure might add to the problem once it is established, but it doesn't explain how the problem gets established in the first place). However, I don't think you have the room to do this in an admissions essay, so what you have should be fine.

Essays / The methods of argumentative essays [9]

So, why not post your rough draft here, so that we can help you as you have asked?

Undergraduate / USC Admissions Essay (Cinema Major) - an external influence [3]

Overall, great essay. Well-written with lots of specific details and totally on-topic. A few minor things:

"unnecessary percussion " Um, you played the drums unnecessarily in the hopes of avoiding injury? Perchance you mean "precaution?"

"or spontaneously combust" How exactly did you attempt to avoid this potentially dangerous activity? Or, as you said, "potentially dangerous actives."

"I just laid motionless in the pond" What exactly did you lay in the pond? Or do you mean that you "lay in the pond," which would imply that you were the one doing the lying. I know the two verbs can be confusing, but its lie, lay, lain, and lay, laid, laid.

As for shortening it, you have included a few details that add richness to the essay, but that are not strictly necessary, so you could just pick one of them and omit it. For instance, you could cut "I looked down at my body, and saw my appendages drooping like spaghetti. My limp noodle arms floated across the murky water, alongside the coy." Or, in the following excerpt, you have used two sentences to say pretty much the same thing: "My whole life, I have never been one to take many risks. I always saw myself as a quiet, introspective child, always taking unnecessary percussion to avoid injury." You could therefore get rid of one of those sentences.

Essays / Paper on Queen Elizabeth (I have a thesis statement) [5]

Well, what aspect of Queen Elizabeth II do you want to write about? You could answer the question "What was her most important accomplishment?" or "How successful was her reign?" or a host of others. As long as the question could generate more than one possible answer, your own answer will be thesis material.

Graduate / Help in choosing a topic to write about (significant issue in education) [6]

There are all sorts of topics you could write about:

Multicultural sensitivity
Standardized testing
Civic values
Political indoctrination
Evolution

And undoubtedly many more.

Undergraduate / my writing and communication skills, help with mt saf [3]

So, for example, you might talk about how you are a good listener who can easily understand and empathize with others, but who has trouble with written communication due to your refusal to proofread your work to catch obvious spelling mistakes. As with most application essays, though, you should make sure to accentuate the positive.

Essays / Management Essay (successful or unsuccessful organizational behavior) [6]

"how does the selected organization successfully benefit from using or suffer by ignoring any three of the following concepts . . ."

Give a one sentence answer to the above question, and that will be your thesis statement. If you don't yet know what the answer to the question is, start by researching Disney, and finding out which of the concepts it has used, and how, and looking to see what effect its use of these concepts has had on its level of success. Once you know all of that, coming up with a thesis statement shouldn't be that difficult.

Undergraduate / 'From Cuba to the USA' - UCF Admission Essays Help [7]

For the first essay, you might want to elaborate on this "Then on the other side I learned and was influenced by Americans culture" a bit more before submitting.

For the second essay, revise to make the tone more consistently formal. At the moment, certain phrases sound a bit too conversational. Worse, they tend to be irrelevant:

"I liked the idea of attending UCF." You probably liked the idea of solving murders and chasing ghosts when you were in elementary school, too.

"I also applied because I'm interested in a couple of the major . . ." "a couple of" is informal.

"I plan to learn a lot of thing's from being in UCF" Well of course you do: it's a university.

Writing Feedback / College Dropout Rates - vause & Effect Essay in 3rd person, need direction [5]

""She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, talked about all the details of campus and classes, to anyone who'd listen." Actually, this is fine. "spent" agrees with "talked," with the past perfect "had" modifying both of them. You might want to get rid of the last comma, though, and add an "and" after "applications."

As for the tone, it isn't really so horrible. It's just that it becomes a question of whether the essay is going to be about Denise's personal experiences in college or about the general reasons why people drop out of college. Using a personal anecdote to demonstrate a point is a perfectly valid technique, but if the anecdote begins to expand into a competing narrative essay within your expository one, that becomes a problem.

Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Glad to hear you did well. Congratulations.

Undergraduate / U Chicago, desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future. [5]

The essay seems really strong overall. You cite specific people and examples of why you want to attended U Chicago, and stick to answering the prompt throughout. It does seem like its a bit long for an application essay, though. Do you have a word limit? If you need to, you could probably get rid of the modesty markers you've scattered throughout your essay. They aren't really necessary, and detract a bit from your presentation of yourself as an ideal applicant.

Undergraduate / Personal statement AUS [4]

The first paragraph is solid. The last one seems to be a bit off-topic, unless there was more to the prompt than you posted. As to dealing with the why this university part, usually you would research the particular university you wanted to attend, and see what they pride themselves most on. Then you could craft a response that fed into what they were looking for.

Undergraduate / UAlbany Admission Essay. Unsure about rough draft. [5]

Seems interesting so far. You might want to add a bit explaining what exactly it is that you want to do with your life. Go to Japan? Then why apply to U Albany? You did say that it wasn't finished yet, though, so I look forward to reading the completed essay.

Writing Feedback / College Dropout Rates - vause & Effect Essay in 3rd person, need direction [5]

You can be more concise in places:

"Denise had no idea that some popular and common causes for college dropout rates were consequently attributed to the following factors: expenses, stress and social issues-welcome to reality."

"Denise did not realize that expenses, stress, and social issues often prompted students to drop out of college."

Also, you seem to be referring to yourself in the third person, a practice that may make people question your sanity. I would suggest either using the first person, or, if the assignment criteria force you to use the 3rd person, sticking to a general discussion of the causes of college dropout rates.

Essays / COMPARISON AND CONTRAST PARAGRAPH - Savannah GA vs Roanoke AL [10]

Well, start by listing all of the important differences between the two places, along with another list of key similarities. Then, write up the items on your lists into complete sentences, and try to connect them in some way that seems logical to you. That will give you a rough draft that you can post here for more specific feedback.

Essays / Paragragh about Comparison & Contrast (computer and typewriter) [7]

First, you should probably compare a word processing program to a typewriter, rather than a computer to a typewriter. Otherwise, all the extra functionality of the computer makes the comparison pointless. Second, you should probably elaborate on your points a bit more, possibly even expanding it from one paragraph into several (a proper essay, even). What exactly were the assignment criteria? Were you asked to just write one paragraph, or is this meant as an introduction?

Book Reports / 'symbols throughout the book' - The Stone Angel [15]

The idea is that you would summarize the main points in your introduction, then expand on them in the body paragraphs. You want your introduction to be a road map for the reader, so that the reader knows where you are going with your work.

Writing Feedback / Essay on empty space; I live a fast paced life [6]

Transitions can be tricky, but they are also necessary. Fortunately, with a bit of practice, linking paragraphs together can become second nature to you. Hope the transitions you added go down well with whoever is marking the essay.

Graduate / How have people, events, and/or situations in your life influenced .... [7]

Here is one example of a section you could revise. Notice that, in addition to being shorter, it also eliminates two uses of "was:"

"This period of my life was challenging, but it was exciting as well, and it helped me to prepare myself for everything that would come after, from my mandatory military service to my studies in Sweden and career in the US."

"This challenging yet exciting period of my life helped me to prepare myself for later events, from my mandatory military service to my studies in Sweden and career in the US."

Likewise, you could do something similar with this section:

"My college years were also when I learned to make the most of my very limited time-while most of my classmates in the Chemical Engineering Department did nothing but study, I was determined to "have a life.""

"During college, I learned to make the most of my very limited time, to balance the need to study with the need to 'have a life.'"

You lose a bit of detail in the revised version, but the main idea is preserved, in little over half the length of the original. Also, the "were" and "was" have been eliminated.

Essays / Paragragh about Comparison & Contrast (computer and typewriter) [7]

I think maybe you forgot to post the paragraph you want help with. Post what you've written and we'll be glad to help.

Writing Feedback / Essay on empty space; I live a fast paced life [6]

Wow! you have some really great thoughts on the topic of empty space. You also have a smooth, interesting writing style. What you tend to lack, however, are transitions. Your four paragraphs don't really connect all that well, except by virtue of the fact that they all talk about empty space. If you were to work on making the paragraphs link together naturally, your essay would be even stronger than it already is.

Undergraduate / USC Short Answers (Cinema Major) [4]

Overall, your essays are solid. The first one seems a bit general. Improvisation is normally something you do when you have failed to adequately plan/prepare for a situation. Or do you mean musical or theatrical improv? You should probably clarify.

Undergraduate / Stevens Inst. of Tech: how your ungrad will contribute to 21st century [3]

The impossible cannot be made into reality. Your assertion that this is happening in the 21st century betrays a misunderstanding of the word "impossible."

"Rotating buildings were developed and conceptualized"

Overall, the essay is bland and uninspiring. Pick a specific engineering project you would like to be involved with, and discuss how that project would benefit the world. That would be more interesting than a general overview of why engineering is a worthwhile profession.

Undergraduate / Returning to college at the age over 40 - how would this education change your life? [9]

Note that the topic, as phrased, can be taken in two different ways. It could either ask you to talk about how having a college education would change your life, or merely how attending college would involve a change in your routine. If you can't think of what to write for one interpretation, you can always try the other.

Writing Feedback / Introductory Paragraph: Mary Shelley and Frankenstein [6]

A hook isn't normally necessary for literary essays, but if you absolutely must have one, try to make it something interesting about the parallels you are going to be talking about, even if you have to add a bit of explanation to connect the hook to your final thesis.

Book Reports / 'symbols throughout the book' - The Stone Angel [15]

I'd say you need to add a bit more about the significance of each symbol. For instance, how does a stone angel represent pride? In what way is she made of stone? In what way can she be seen as an angel? Etc.

Undergraduate / 'From Cuba to the USA' - UCF Admission Essays Help [7]

Your essay should answer the question "How did my experience in moving from Cuba to here make me a better person?" Focus on answering that question in detail in your essay, and you should be able to come up with a solid second draft.

Undergraduate / Returning to college at the age over 40 - how would this education change your life? [9]

Most of your essay at the moment focuses on your past. This is interesting, but the prompt really asks you to talk more about the future. So, maybe you should elaborate more on how a college education would help your career. Also, how do you think the college experience would be different for you than for a teenager?