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Posts by EF_Sean
Name: Writer
Joined: Dec 9, 2008		 Last Post: Oct 30, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 3460  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 3466 / page 75 of 87
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EF_Sean   
Jan 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / ""At present you need to live the question" -help with any grammar mistakes [5]

Your grammar seems solid, and besides, the writing is so close to poetry that strict adherence to grammar is probably unnecessary anyway. Good job with this, btw -- I can think of no better way of responding to a topic based on a line of German poetry than to write an prose-poem redolent with angst.
EF_Sean   
Jan 25, 2009
Undergraduate / USC HOPEFUL ("passion is striving") [3]

This essay has potential. Some suggestions:

"As a typical American not knowing anything beyond our borders I flew 22 hrs across the globe to end up in one of the poorest countries in the world Afghanistan." While my Canadian background urges me to agree with your implication that the typical American doesn't know anything about global affairs, perhaps it is an assertion you don't want to make in application essay?

"It wasn't until I spoke with a woman by the name of Mary Srimp who mentored me." This is not a complete sentence.

"Seeing famine and destruction was heart-wrenching and brought this light I was searching for my years. " This sounds like an excellent place to add in a specific anecdote explaining what changed your attitude.
EF_Sean   
Jan 25, 2009
Essays / Portfolio Articles - criminal justice student [3]

Perhaps you should try writing a first draft, even a really bad one, then post it here so we can give you specific feedback on how you can improve.
EF_Sean   
Jan 24, 2009
Undergraduate / the transfer essay (setback you have faced) [4]

Very interesting and heartfelt topic. The grammar is rough, though, and as Angela pointed out, it gets to the point where your last paragraph is incomprehensible, making it virtually impossible for us to fix. Try revising it using very simple sentences to express yourself, then post the revised version here. We can then help you to combine the sentences to give you a better writing style, once we know what you are trying to say.
EF_Sean   
Jan 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / Ref: Analisis of instructions and procedures. [3]

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

"the power on/off button "

"The second page displays the content of the document in a sequential and organized way"

"However, one can tell it was written in a function-oriented style, making it not always simple for the inexperienced and non-technical reader to follow the instructions" Perhaps you should explain this a bit more, including a discussion of better alternatives that could have been used.

"The manual has been also compiled considering a Spanish speaking audience: on one side of the document we have the English version and if you flip it ove r on the opposite side is the Spanish version."
EF_Sean   
Jan 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / Tragic Hero in "Antigone" by Sophoceles- essay feedback [7]

Well, I assume your thesis statement is "In "Antigone" by Sophocles, the tragic hero is Creon and the tragic flaw that he possesses is his arrogance." So, all of your paragraphs should show ways in which Creon is arrogant. Your second paragraph doesn't really do this -- it reads more like a second introductory paragraph instead. Your third paragraph is more on topic, but suffers because you alternate between stating what Creon did and saying that that was arrogant, without really explaining why it was arrogant. For instance, you write that "Creon thinks so highly of himself and his law that he doesn't take into account who has committed the crime or for what reasons and punishes Antigone according to his law." But isn't a good king supposed to be impartial and to apply the law equally to all? How is this arrogant? Likewise, you write that "Further into the play, the blind prophet, Teirasias, deliberately goes to the king to warn him of the severe consequences of his actions after seeing a sign from heaven that the gods were angry. In response, Creon disregards him and even accuses Teirasias of telling false predictions for money when he says that "the generation of prophets have always loved gold" (5:61)." But shouldn't a king refuse to listen to crazy men claiming to be prophets? Why is this a sign of arrogance? and your third paragraph drifts back off topic.

Of course, I might have misunderstood what you intended your thesis statement to be. It could be that you were going with "Creon's arrogance can be shown in his interactions with Antigone, Haimon, and Teirasias." In which case, you would want to have three body paragraphs, one discussing Creon and Antigone, one discussing Creon and Hamion, etc.

In any event, it is not clear exactly what your thesis is, and whatever it is, it is obvious that you have not proven it. Since the point of an essay is to prove a clear thesis, your mark is unsurprising. On the bright side, a single bad mark isn't the end of the world, and might be more valuable than a good one if you learn something from it.
EF_Sean   
Jan 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / ESSAY: SHOULD TUCK SHOP STOP SELLING "JUNK FOOD"? [5]

I suppose it depends on the type of article, really. I was thinking editorials, specifically, when I wrote the comment. Editorials by definitions are statements of the newspaper's stance on an issue. Also, assuming that both sides are basing their argument on some sort of empirical claims, then presumably a good reporter would engage in some fact checking, while also looking at context, to determine which claims were accurate and which were not. The very act of doing this would tend to result in choosing a side.

On further reflection, I think Kevin makes a good point -- journalism used to be about neutrality and objectivity. But, then, it became fashionable to argue that it was impossible for anyone to be neutral or objective, especially news media, which had to decide which facts to include, which elements of context to cover. I don't know of any news outlets that now make even the slightest attempt at neutrality within a single piece. At best, they aim for balance by presenting two or more articles on the same topic but written from different viewpoints. U.S.A Today, I believe, tends to publish two articles each issue on the same topic, one for, the other against.

In any event, you could try presenting both sides equally well (this is good practice, actually. Nothing builds critical thinking better than learning to argue both sides of an issue, regardless of your actual stance.), but you would still want to cover the counter-arguments for each side. Think of the debate as a dialogue, with the participants responding to each other, rather than as two unconnected sets of arguments.
EF_Sean   
Jan 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

Clearly the issue can spark some lively debate. Now, you just need to write an essay that clearly expresses your opinion on it. I know the prompt says that you need to explain the significance of the issue, and it would be fine if your opinion was simply "While the issue of illegal immigration is thorny, we must deal with it because . . . " However, that doesn't seem to be your thesis statement at the moment, mostly because you start talking about the current economic difficulties, then talk about how it makes some people anti-immigrant, then sound anti-immigrant yourself when you mention how much illegal immigration costs, etc. Also, even taking this approach, you would end up focusing more on why the issue is so difficult to solve. The problem with picking a controversial and widely debated issue is that everyone already knows that it is significant, so writing a whole essay dedicated solely to proving that idea begins to seem a bit pointless. A better approach would be to state your opinion about how the issue should be solved, then talk about why you believe that particular approach is significant. The essay will seem much more coherent and interesting.

Hope that helps.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Avoid the Verb "TO BE" [NEW]

One of the most common stylistic mistakes aspiring writers make is to rely too much on the verb "to be." "To be" is the most basic verb in the English language, and writers can all too easily find themselves using it in almost every sentence.

Unfortunately, "to be" happens to also be the weakest verb in the English language. To understand the truth of this assertion, ask yourself what you imagine when you hear the word "run," or "jump," or "scream." In each case, you probably got at least a flash of a mental image, of someone running, or jumping, or screaming. Possibly one or more of the words even evoked a memory or triggered a very vivid image. Now, ask yourself what you imagine when you hear the word "was." It doesn't give you any sort of mental image at all. It can't, because the word "was" alone provides no material around which an image or sound or smell or texture can coalesce. The word "was," like most of the forms of "to be" leaves the mind blank, a surefire way to bore the reader.

To see what a difference avoiding the use of "to be" can make in your writing, consider the following short paragraph:

As president of the debating society, my first duty was to schedule regular meetings and ensure that there were topics for us to debate. The topics were chosen from newspaper articles that were about controversial topics. Since it was a school club, I was forced to avoid topics involving religion and ethnicity.

In three sentences, the author has used forms of "to be" six times! You can practically feel yourself beginning to fall asleep as you read it. Now consider the following revision:

As president of my school's debating society, I scheduled regular meetings in which the club members gathered to discuss some of the most controversial issues of our times - abortion, euthanasia, the death penalty, and many more. Often, these topics were ripped from the headlines of local newspapers, though school policy prohibited me from referencing any issue involving either religion or ethnicity.

The revised version uses only one form of "to be," and that paired with "ripped," a much stronger and more compelling verb than "chosen," as in the original. Note that the revised version also includes more specificity than the original, by listing actual topics debated by the club members.

If you notice that your writing overuses forms of "to be," go through and ask yourself who or what is responsible for the things you are describing. So, in the case of the sample paragraph above, when I revised it, I asked myself who or what made me avoid topics involving religion and ethnicity. Well, it was school policy. Once I made school policy the subject of the sentence, "prohibited" emerged quite naturally as a strong verb, and allowed me to eliminate two instances of "was." Also, notice that often information introduced with a form of "to be" can be conveyed through the use of adjectives. So, for instance, in the sample paragraph, I eliminated "that were about controversial topics" merely by using the adjective "controversial" to describe the issues in the first sentence.

Sometimes, of course, you have to use forms of "to be." Most notably, the verb is a necessary part of the passive voice and the progressive tenses.

The passive voice turns the object of an action into the subject. So, the active voice sentence "I picked an apple" can be rewritten as "The apple was picked [by me]." Generally, you should avoid using the passive voice, with two exceptions:

1. The passive voice can come in handy if you do not know who undertook an action. So, in the above example, the phrase "The apple was picked" might be acceptable if you were writing about an apple and didn't know who had done the picking.

2. The passive voice also comes in useful for keeping focus on a particular subject. So, if I were writing a story about the apple, for instance, I might prefer to use "The apple was picked," in order to keep the focus on the apple by keeping it as the subject of the sentence.

The progressive tenses are vital for establishing time relationships. So,

"I was driving along chatting on my cell phone when a deer jumped out into the road in front of me."

The use of "was" in this sentence establishes that the driving was occurring at the time that the deer jumped out onto the road. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with the progressive tenses, and you should not go out of your way to avoid them.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Book Reports / Amusing its readers - Grammar Check for Macbeth Essay [7]

If you are writing this for the teacher who wants you to leap into quotes, then you should follow your teacher's advice. If you are writing this for anyone else, then add an introduction, both to explain where the quotation is from, and why you are giving it.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

Yes, they are still immigrants, but not necessarily illegal ones. Presumably, any immigrant can be declared legal by the government at any time if the government wishes to do so. So, logically, if the U.S. army wishes to treat those immigrants who enlist as legal, regardless of their original, pre-enlistment status, it can do so. I notice many of your arguments seem to involve treating legal and illegal immigrants as the same group, whereas, the problem arises because they are different.

Customers are never happy when prices increase. What exactly is your point? This has no bearing on what the government should do when dealing with illegal immigrants.

I could read the article, but the Washington Post is part of the mainstream media that you say is trying to brainwash me, so why would I?

Actually, I did read it (I just wanted to point out that it is illogical to claim that the MSM is trying to brainwash me while simultaneously pointing me to a MSM article to make your point). What it says is that legal immigrants pay their fair share of taxes, while illegal immigrants pay less because they are paid under the table or off the books. The employers may set this up so they can pay less than minimum wage, but the illegal immigrants agree to it to avoid the risk of deportation. If you are in a country illegally, you don't want to give the government information about you.

eharvey03: I apologize for feeding the troll and getting off topic, but this sort of self-contradictory nonsense really, really annoys me. At the very least, you might get some ideas for how you want to argue your essay by reading our exchanges.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Book Reports / Simple one page summary on The Westing Game [4]

This is a great book, at least the first time through. Like many mysteries, it loses a lot of its reread value once you know the solution. Still, if I hadn't read the book before, your description of it would have been manifestly unhelpful. You might want to mention the names of some of the sixteen people, who they are, how they view each other, what tensions that creates, and so on. You also might want to look at themes the author develops.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / A Letter from Birmingham Jail (loaded words effectiveness) [5]

You may want to talk about how King discusses concepts of morality and justice, and how his referencing these terms is meant to affect his intended audience. The letter is written by the son of a Reverend to a group of clergymen, after all.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Graduate / The biggest failure is when one gives up unknowing how close he was to the success... SOP [7]

Your essay tends to be a bit on the dull side. I'd suggest going through and replacing all of the forms of "to be" with stronger, more active verbs. For instance, in one part, you manage to use "was" as your main verb in every single sentence for five sentences running:

It was a very valuable first hand research ...
My work was to prepare YBCO( yttrium,barium ,copperoxide) super ...
The main motive of the whole work was to prepare YBCO superconductor ...
I was assigned to study the basic chemistry ...
This project even though was very raw for me I learnt ...
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

You should probably try to avoid the sort of illogic found in Rich Monte's post when revising your essay. That the government may have wasted trillions of dollars on non-immigration related projects that failed is absolutely no reason why they should spend ten billion dollars, or for that matter one cent, on illegal immigrants who, by the very nature of being illegal, are presumably ineligible by law for most, if not all, government services. The point is that the government is spending so much money overall that the amount lost through funds spent on services for illegal immigrants is negligible when it comes to helping the government out of its financial difficulties, so you need to give other reasons why the issue is important.

Also, in the service of debunking mindless ideological claptrap:

I imagine that many U.S.-born American citizens would take menial jobs if they found themselves facing starvation and homelessness as an alternative. Besides, if the labor market were so small that there were far more menial jobs than people willing to take them, then employers would be forced to pay higher wages for those jobs, making them more attractive. Basic market forces at work.

I don't see how illegal immigrants could possibly pay taxes without risking deportation.

Also, if the U.S. government gives an immigrant citizenship, then the immigrant is no longer illegal.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

Your essay requires a stronger argument, starting with clearer definitions of your key terms. For instance, what do you mean by immigration reform? That could be anything from granting total amnesty to all illegal immigrants in the country to rounding up said illegals and deporting them before sealing the border with a giant fence. Clearly, there is a lot of ground between those extremes, too. What is your stance? How would you solve the issue? Also, you spend perhaps too much time dwelling on the economy. It's fine to argue that illegal immigrants use more gov't services than they pay in taxes, as that answers the question of why the issue of immigration needs addressing. However, it would be foolish to believe that immigration reform is necessary as a solution to America's economic woes. Even if illegal immigrants cost the government 10 billion a year, without contributing anything to economic growth (which seems unlikely), you are talking about 1% of the country's yearly deficit. In other words, it would be a good idea to save money through immigration reform, but the amount of money involved is so small that you probably want to discuss other reasons why the reform is necessary.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / ESSAY: SHOULD TUCK SHOP STOP SELLING "JUNK FOOD"? [5]

You might want to give the counter-arguments that each side would use against the other, rather than just giving the main points for each side. Also, these sorts of articles normally take a stance on the issue, so you might want to consider saying which side of the issue you think has the stronger case.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / USC "Only passions, great passions" USC Transfer Essay [5]

You could still answer the prompt without focusing on the negatives. You merely need to tell how your love of music has inspired you to accomplish much that is positive. You don't need to explain, in detail, how much of a slacker you were before you discovered a love of music. At most, you might mention this briefly in the first sentence. But the focus should be squarely on the positive aspects of your personality and life.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / What domestic or international travel destination best defines you and why? [7]

Yes, but what you are saying at the moment is that you are hiding the fog, and that it is the fog, rather than your traits and surprises, that you want people to reveal. You need to reword the phrase to say what you mean. As for turning it into prose, that should be easy -- much easier than turning prose into poetry, certainly. Just take the ideas in the poem and express them in grammatically correct sentences, combining ideas where necessary to get a flow that seems natural.
EF_Sean   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / What does critical thinking really entail? - essay references and ideas [6]

Those are all key components of critical thinking. You might want to add to the list the ability to recognize, evaluate, and challenge premises, as well as the ability to question and analyze statistical claims, both of which help greatly in determining the validity and truth of an argument.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / By age 24, 60% of bullies have a criminal record; Introduction/ Essay on Bullying [3]

"By age 24, 60% of bullies have a criminal record." Also, do you know that 92% of statistics are made up? If you are going to make claims like this, you need to cite your sources. Also, you might want to define "bullying" at some point. "Verbal and physical assault" seems to be your closest definition, but if every act of verbally insulting another counts as bullying, I doubt there is a kid in the world who could not be classified as a bully. You might want to add something about lack of provocation, how sustained the behavior is, etc. Also, is the essay going to focus specifically on how to stop bullying? If so, your introduction seems generally solid. If you are giving more of a general overview of the subject, you might want to focus a bit more on what causes bullying. In fact, if you believe that understanding the causes of something is necessary to stopping that thing, you might want to delve into that anyway.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / What does critical thinking really entail? - essay references and ideas [6]

Wikipedia is a good place to start. It will give you a fair amount of information about critical thinking that you can use as a foundation for your essay. Then, you only really have to think critically about that information to come up with some good ideas of your own.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcome a dissapointment essay [4]

Yes, it answers the prompt.

I can tell that you have a lot of willpower and determination. These a good qualities. Congratulations.

Something you might want to change: "everything that I have succeeded or failed in was a direct result of my efforts and focus." Presumably the things you failed in, you failed in in spite of rather than because of your effort and focus.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / Several different ways in which colleges fail to prepare students for life. [7]

Using a solitary example weakens an essay that is supposed to discuss "Several different ways" of something, because it doesn't do what the prompt asks. If the teacher doesn't mind you focusing on one example in detail, that's fine -- your approach will probably be stronger than it would be otherwise.

If you say in your introduction that parenting is something colleges should teach but don't, then that would allow you to avoid most of the criticisms I made of the original. If you just say that not teaching parenting skills is a failure on the part of colleges, it raises the question of how exactly that would be considered a failure. This was probably covered in the text you read, btw, but it helps if you set the groundwork in your own essay, which is after all meant to stand apart from the text.

Beyond that, the body of the essay itself is strong, consisting of many graphic, specific details that hold the readers' interest. Mostly you just need to strengthen the introduction and conclusion.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Essays / First College Experience [10]

That's a good start. You have a sort of unique perspective as an older student who has to work a real job while still handling all of the academic material too. Now, decide what you want the point of the essay to be. You can ask yourself questions about how the experience affected you to brainstorm ideas for this: What did you learn from the experience? Did you feel more confident knowing that you were managing to handle both? What did you gain from studying the history of America through a class instead of just reading about it on your own? Once you've found something that seems important to you, revise the essay and tie all of the details back to that point.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / USC "Only passions, great passions" USC Transfer Essay [5]

You spend an awful lot of time dwelling on negative aspects of yourself -- poor study habits, low academic average, etc. -- in what should be an essay meant to sell yourself by highlighting your strengths. Maybe you could cut out most of the negative stuff, and focus more heavily on your love of music. Why do you like music, exactly? What do you think makes good music? If you think small bands are better than famous ones, why do you think the famous ones become famous? And so on.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Graduate / Evaluation of Targetted Admission Essay [3]

You need to find ways to make the essay more interesting, so that it stands out from all of the other applications. You might start by revising your essay to deal more closely with the prompt questions. For instance, when addressing what you find most interesting in the information field, you might talk in more detail about what relationship you believe exists between information, knowledge, and power. (Hint: they are not synonymous, and the ways in which you believe one is converted into another would likely make for fascinating reading.) When talking about why you are interested in pursuing a degree, focus more on your reasons for taking the degree. For instance, at the moment, you start by saying "Having considered the programs offered by various universities in the United States, I found that the courses offered by College of Information Studies appealed to me, as it has the subjects that covered my primary interest for the Masters course." In other words, it appealed because you found the courses interesting, which is as much to say as it appealed because it appealed. The sentence, reduced to its essence, becomes a tautology, and tautologies are not interesting. Moreover, when you do give reasons, they are eminently practical ones -- you'll learn stuff. That's great, but you could learn stuff at other universities that offer similar degrees. Why are you passionate about attending Maryland? (If you aren't passionate about it, pretend that you are, and then write from that stance). On the bright side, your grammar and style are both strong, so once you tighten up the content, you should have a solid essay.
EF_Sean   
Jan 22, 2009
Essays / First College Experience [10]

Well, why don't you tell us about your first college experience? How did it differ from what you expected? How did you handle the changes That sort of thing. Then, once we have some idea of what your first college experience was actually like, we can give you some advice on how to craft a good opening to introduce the material.
EF_Sean   
Jan 21, 2009
Graduate / Personal Essay - MFA Film school [9]

Also, the fact that you have to relate your prior experiences to your interest in attending film school should help you cut out some of the items on your list. Working in film as a propmaster is clearly relevant. Your work with the bands could easily be so, too. Working in a microbrewery, possibly less so. This might help you to narrow down what you want to talk about.
EF_Sean   
Jan 21, 2009
Undergraduate / FSU ESSAY ("what I would attempt") [5]

Alternatively, you could add a sentence or two at the beginning of your essay saying that while you believe all three are important, you find Vires to be the most compelling because . . .

This would allow you to focus in more detail on the one example of your taking AP courses, which might be more interesting than having only a handful of sentences each on three separate examples.
EF_Sean   
Jan 21, 2009
Essays / Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing. (reasons, details) [14]

Some minor grammatical fixes:

"many people would not find a job if businessmen did not take initiative in setting up such enormous organizations."

"Even though my grandpa is no longer alive"

"I still remember his wise sayings, of which his favorite was "
EF_Sean   
Jan 21, 2009
Undergraduate / UMich Essay: Discuss an Issue of Local Concern ("The British are coming!") [7]

You might want to focus more specifically on either public or private transportation. At the moment you sort of keep going back and forth between both. Solving traffic congestion and preventing train congestion are not the same problem, and any attempts to fix one are likely to worsen the others. That is, if you try and relieve traffic congestion by encouraging people to take public transit, then trains will get even more crowded, and if you convince fewer people to take public transit, road traffic will increase. You could propose additional funding for public transit as a solution to traffic congestion, though, and you might also want to mention the idea of walking or biking as alternatives to driving. Really, in most cities, there is no reason to use a car within the downtown core.

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