Undergraduate / Dilemma on writing an essay on 'a person who has impact on your life' [14]

The example you give sounds fine to me. Just remember to be very detailed and specific in your essay. Don't just tell us about the teacher, related anecdotes that show us how he/she influenced you.

Writing Feedback / About edgar allen poe essay [11]

The problem with this sort of essay is that it's thesis is almost certainly wrong from the outset -- many, many writers have written stories meant to shock and horrify the reader. Most, apart from those by contemporary authors, are not now widely read, except in selected English classes. Yet Poe's work endures, and is widely read by contemporary readers, even outside of academia. That sort of staying power strongly implies that his work does in fact do something special.

Worse, how can you possibly conclude in an essay this short that "Edgar Allen Poe is nothing more than an artful adolescent - if stripped of shock tactics and an elevated style, Poe's works are reduced to nothing. I conclude that the substance in his short stories and poetry is entirely nonexistent." To prove that, you would have to go through every one of his works and show that everything good and literary that has ever been alleged about each one is contingent in some way upon his shock tactics and style. And even then, all you would prove is that no one has yet found anything appealing about his works apart from those two things, not that no one ever could (it is very difficult to prove a negative).

Also, if by "shock tactics" you mean the content of his work, then you are essentially saying that, if we ignore the content and style of Poe's work, then there's not much to it. But, if we ignore both the content and style of any author, what is left of his or her work?

Your essay, as your conclusion seems to acknowledge, mostly appears calculated to keep the reader's interest by fronting a shocking thesis that will offend virtually all of your readers (as people who don't like Poe probably won't be reading essays about him). You might want to consider writing an essay that says something substantive and provable about his work. So, if you think he relies heavily on shock tactics, look at examples of shock tactics in his work, and see if you can see patterns that would allow you to say something about the way he uses them that you could actually prove in an essay of this length.

Undergraduate / common app short answer help ("bare room lined with mirrors") [19]

It's a pity you are limited to 150 words. I'm sure you could easily expand this to four or five times that length.

Undergraduate / 'open mind' - Diversity essay - How I can contribute? [6]

In keeping with the other suggestions you've already been given, I'd say you should go into a lot more detail about your experiences if you want this to be a strong essay. So you have traveled to Argentina a lot and were born there. This has altered your perspective on the world, how, exactly? Give some specifics. Also, how has this and your other travels taught you to appreciate cultural diversity? It is entirely possible to go to all of the places you mention, stay in the Hilton, eat at McDonald's and other Western restaurants, and play the tourist without ever really having to leave your initial cultural comfort zone. Specific examples of what sort of experiences you had and how they taught you open-mindedness would go a lot further in convincing the reader that you are in fact an open-minded individual who prizes cultural diversity. Then, of course, you would have to say how you would use these qualities to enhance the university.

Essays / Grad School Personal statem. in Childhood Education Major; from art to education [9]

Whichever approach you take, just remember that your ultimate goal is to show the admissions officers that your prior experience still qualifies you to enter into your new field of study, and that your decision to switch has been carefully thought out. So, you might want to start by writing down all of the details you could include about your decision to switch that would help you to make these points, and then see which approach would best allow you to tie those details together.

Undergraduate / USC Short Answer! ("to incorporate Hollywood into my studies") [7]

You could also fix the last sentence thusly: "it's only fitting for me to combine my own communication skills with my love for entertainment into a curriculum that I will genuinely enjoy studying ."

Undergraduate / USC Essay, an external influence [3]

Hmmmm . . . I don't know if the essay as it stands would work for the "external influence" prompt, unless you rewrote it to focus a lot more heavily on Curtis and the effect his music had on you. It is well-written, though, so it might work for another prompt. What are your options? Do you have a "tell us a bit about yourself?" topic, or one of its many variants?

Research Papers / Need ideas for a research paper [12]

Wow! You could write about just about anything. What class is it for? If it's an English paper on a random topic of your choice, you could go with the usual controversial subjects: gun control, abortion, euthanasia, stem cell research, legalization of narcotics, racial profiling, creationism, the proper role of government in providing social programs, etc. If it is for a specific class, such as biology, though, then you will have to let us know, because that limits your topic significantly.

Writing Feedback / need help with this essay - "the subjects with which you had difficulty" [5]

The essay isn't that bad. A few grammatical fixes:

"History has always been the subject in which I have struggled the most"

"I could not see the relevance of learning history"

"I struggled through my classes"

"This enthusiasm rubbed off on my classmates and myself"

"I came to realize the importance of our past."

"Ms. Holland truly inspired me by teaching me that history was connected and that I was a part of it"

Poetry / Lineage by Margaret Walker [7]

Some literary devices you might want to consider discussing:

Anaphora: repetition at the beginning of lines, in this case "They" and "My grandmothers," which serves to keep the focus on the grandmothers as the subject of the poem until the very end.

Alliteration: "sowing seed," "grain grew," "sturdiness and singing," "rolling roughly"

Meter (rhythm): This poem doesn't really seem to have a consistent meter. A lack of consistent meter is a deliberate choice that requires explanation as much as the presence of a consistent meter would have. Also, break down the poem into stressed and unstressed syllables, and see if you can detect places where the poem slips into meter. The second line, for instance, is essentially iambic. Then ask yourself why the poet chose to use meter in those places.

The shift from past to present tense between stanzas. I don't know if this has a name, exactly, but it is clearly also a deliberate choice by Walker that qualifies as a poetic device.

Hopefully these will give you a good place to start.

Undergraduate / "My Final Year" - refine my response essay [6]

The essay seems to lack focus. In choosing to cover three separate events, you have ensured that you don't have enough room to make any of them interesting. I'd suggest focusing one only one of your examples, but going into a lot more detail on whichever one you choose.

Graduate / 'building new systems' - SOP for Master of Science in Software Engineering [8]

Here's a quick revision for grammar:

As part of my undergraduate research, I developed software allowing the use of XML digital signatures on web services . At that time, I realized that detailed planning, is very important including data collection, system analysis, software architecture, and software testing is very important .

After finishing my college, I decided to choose CIM development as a career ; I am in charge of developing programs according to customers' requirements . I gained a lot of experience in discussing feedback with the customers, performing requirement analysis, and designing plans to complete my work. During 2006-2008, I joined XXX Materials' MES Project in Japan; I am in charge of Software Quality Assurance. Among the various projects I worked on, I was most interested in Software Engineering.

I hope in the future that I can using my understanding of software engineering to improve CIM system quality.

Essays / Films must be regarded primarily as historical artifacts - film essay [3]

Well, consider that the vast majority of older films are no longer really watched by anyone. Silent films, for instance, and most black and white ones. Art is art because it is admired generation after generation. If films cease to be interesting as the technology of film advances, then they cannot really be art, and must instead be viewed primarily as being of interest for what they can tell us about the historical period in which they were produced.

Or, if you wanted to argue against the statement, you could point out that films such as "A Wonderful Life," "A Christmas Carol," and "Citizen Kane," continue to air half-a-century after their initial release, proving that at least some films can transcend their historical context and manifest universally interesting characteristics that elevate them to a form of art.

Whichever approach you decide to take, this should at least get you started.

Essays / uni film essay, how all films are carriers of cultural identity & ideology [8]

Ah. I thought the page would not show up on Google because it didn't appear when I tried pasting in a random sample from your essay. Apparently that was an atypical result. Sorry about that. Glad the other members of the ef_Team were on this one.

Graduate / 'I was encouraged by my professors' - SOP for Master in Engineering [8]

I have to agree with Rocketeer on this one -- the "in" is in fact necessary, or at least some sort of preposition is. ("for" would work too). If you wanted to write the sentence to avoid the preposition for some reason, you could do so. For instance, "I once worked on a project that had poor official documentation, which forced me to do a lot of experimental work and to contact other professionals in order to be able to finish this task accurately and on time." would also be correct, and remove the "which" issue.

Undergraduate / 'Accountancy and Commerce professor' - best teacher essay [7]

A couple of grammatical points:

"He has been instrumental in shaping up my personality."

"It made me realize that life teaches us several things which only other people can help us become aware of."

Undergraduate / Essay on art education [7]

"An observer might have thought Paul and the other students were playing with markers and paint, but they were also learning how to think abstractly, solve problems, and collaborate. Similarly, the arts can be used as a tool to reinforce concepts learned in other subjects such as Mathematics, English, and History." You might want to give a couple of specific examples from your class that illustrate these points.

Undergraduate / Why GWU? This new beginning. [6]

Use a comma rather than a semi-colon; the second part of that sentence is a dependent, rather than an independent clause, so the former is more appropriate.

The conclusion holds together quite nicely. Some grammatical stuff:

"This is why I believe we should be more aware of and educated about . . ."

" . . . but also with through first-hand experience with its diverse campus .

"I believe that GWU will prepare me to face any challenge and to become a leader in an increasingly globalized world. "

Writing Feedback / an experiment essay - A memorable evening [9]

To quote shamelessly from wikipedia: "'All Along the Watchtower' is a song written and recorded by singer-songwriter Bob Dylan. It initially appeared on his album John Wesley Harding. It has been covered by other artists in different genres, most notably by the Jimi Hendrix Experience."

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Describe Yourself" Essay [10]

The essay is great -- interesting, original, and it says plenty of good things about you. Your transition into the middle of your essay could use a bit of strengthening, though. The middle of the essay is supposed to arise spontaneously and naturally as a train of thought ignited by seeing the maintenance worker at his rounds. Instead, you start off the middle part with a statement about yourself that is a bit abrupt and more formal than actual thoughts would be. At the same time, your use of asterisks to set of your thinking makes the transition seem even more abrupt. If you could think of a way to smooth this out, your essay would be even stronger than it already is.

Undergraduate / Common App essay - to be a pharmacist or a doctor [7]

You might want to leave off the pharmacist angle altogether. The prompt really wants you to focus on how you will add to diversity, or on something that you experienced that made you appreciate diversity. Unless your desire to be a pharmacist ties into that in some way, it will seem off-topic.

Essays / uni film essay, how all films are carriers of cultural identity & ideology [8]

In your introduction, you talk about how important it is to view a variety of films, but then list only those films that are most likely to reflect deliberate attempts to convey cultural or ideological messages. You should probably include films that are meant purely for entertainment, Hollywood blockbusters aimed primarily at making money. Most people don't view Dark Knight, for example, as a propaganda piece. If, however, you can find cultural and ideological messages in such a film (Hint: you definitely can), then your argument becomes much stronger.

In the body, there is a distinct lack of specific examples. You should not only mention movies from each era that prove your point, you should reference specific scenes that function in ideological or cultural ways. This would really help you flesh out the essay into something closer to the length you need it to be.

As to coming up for plagiarism, I would guess not. If you try pasting some of the essay into Google, this page isn't listed in its search results, for instance. On the other hand, I'm not an expert on the workings of anti-plagiarism software, so perhaps one of the moderators could give you a more definitive response.

Writing Feedback / an experiment essay - A memorable evening [9]

Why not just throw in Dylan? If he were sitting with the joker and the thief, then the allusion becomes somewhat more obvious, since even if the reader hasn't heard the song, he can at least guess that the reference is to such a song.

Letters / Seeking Internship; COVER LETTER - Computer Networking [3]

Here are a bunch of grammatical fixes you could make:

"My name is Reza Adinata, and I am a student in Parayhangan University, Indonesia.

"I am seeking for an internship in February."

"with my final project focused on "Implementation of an Backbone Network."

"I am very interested in networking and am eager to learn more about it. "

"Thank you in advance for your highly consideration of my application"

Writing Feedback / an experiment essay - A memorable evening [9]

An interesting and worthwhile approach to writing an essay, certainly. Whether or not it is suitable for an admissions essay is debatable. However, it certainly tells the admissions officers a lot about you, so I'd say to go for it. I'm not sure the joker and thief reference fits as is, though, mostly because with Kafka and Mozart you provide names, which make it really easy to pick up on your allusions, whereas with the joker and the thief, anyone not familiar with the song is likely to have to look it up. Also, the former are actual historical figures, whereas the latter are fictional creations. So is Gregor, of course, but his inclusion is sort of necessary to set up the ending with Franz. Just something you might want to think about.

Essays / 'The emphasis on "practical benefit" in Williams v Roffey Bros Nicholls [6]

Glad to hear you are making progress. I look forward to reading the draft.

Research Papers / analysis of wendy cope's poetry, THIS IS A MESS! [3]

A good place to start would be to eliminate all of the biographical information you include on Cope. Then, get rid of most the generalizations you make about poetry. This will give you a lot more space to do what you are supposed to be doing in this essay -- analyzing the work of a specific poet. Remember that poetry is essentially different from prose in that its form in some way reflects or modifies the message. So, select some of Cope's poems, and start thinking about how the form of the poems and the various poetic devices within them contribute to the theme of the poems. Then look for patterns that recur throughout most of the works you have chosen, both in terms of theme and form, as well as the connections between them. That will then form the backbone of your essay. Good luck.

Essays / uni film essay, how all films are carriers of cultural identity & ideology [8]

Well, you could start by posting those 800 words. Beyond that, cultural identity doesn't have to be national identity, though it could be. For instance, most films contain a mixture of men and women from different cultural backgrounds. The way they are portrayed, both as men and women, as well as as black, white, Asian, Native, etc. promulgate certain cultural values. At the same time, most films have some sort of message, theme, or point that can be viewed as promoting some form of ideology.

Undergraduate / Major decision to choose a university - why swarthmore essay [5]

And then, when you've taken the other poster's suggestions, go through and cut ruthlessly. Once you have the essay down to about half its current length, it should be really strong. At the moment, though, it tends to ramble on. An example of how you can fix this:

"When I visited Swarthmore a few months ago, the first thing that caught my interest upon walking into the campus was a beautiful and extensive arboretum, which stood out among all of the other arboretums I had seen at other colleges that I visited." could easily be rewritten as "Upon first visiting Swarthmore, I was struck by the beautiful and extensive arboretum, which was unlike any other I had previously seen." Given that the revised version uses "was" twice, this could probably be boiled down even further, but you get the idea. You can go through your entire essay revising like this.

Undergraduate / Does financial aid count on the excellence of one's essays??? [7]

To add to the consensus -- no, your essays don't really affect your chances of getting financial aid. An awful lot of aid is purely needs based, and the rest tends to be tied to your overall academic performance.

Undergraduate / Metallism: a real unorthodox commonapp essay [8]

Keep the essay on file, though. You might find a use for it in another venue. The essay wasn't poorly-written -- it just wasn't all that appropriate for your particular audience. In any event, I hope you post your new essay here for more feedback.

Research Papers / SENIOR RESEARCH PROJECT about Michael Jackson --HELP [12]

What exactly is your thesis? You ask "Why did the world accept Michael Jackson after everything he did over the past years?" Is your essay meant to be an attempt to answer this question? If so, you might want to establish in your introduction that the world does still accept him (I was under the impression he had become a living joke, a punchline guaranteed to get a laugh regardless of context). You might also want to look at why he became so popular to begin with. Was it his image? Or his music? If the latter, then his messed up personal life doesn't seem so important. If it was the former, then any public acceptance is a tad confusing. In any event, your essay at the moment seems to be mostly a biographical sketch of Jackson, which may be okay if it is merely a research project. A well argued essay centered on a thesis would be more interesting, though.

Undergraduate / UGA short essays on application.. [6]

And don't forget, you can always make something up, or alter details of a real event in your life to make it seem more interesting than it actually was. This greatly expands your pool of potential material. Also, if you are determined to write about something that really happened, but can't think of anything, try asking your family and friends for suggestions. I'm sure someone who knows you can think of at least one interesting or humorous anecdote about you. As for the second prompt, the key phrase is "respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences." At some point during your high school experience, you must have encountered ideas that were different from your own, so tell the reader about a time this happened to you.

Essays / 'The emphasis on "practical benefit" in Williams v Roffey Bros Nicholls [6]

It sounds as if you should start by making a list of the consequences of Williams v. Roffey, so that you know what direction the case moved the law in. Then you could brainstorm reasons why that direction is either good or bad. Then you could post your preliminary findings here, so that we can help you structure the information.

Undergraduate / "Leaders in the Making" - CMC Leadership - admission essay [13]

A minor grammatical point:

"but also shone a new light onto the dark and mysterious world of sex." "Shined" as the the past tense of "shine" is mostly used when the word is being employed to refer to the polishing of an object. So, "he shined his shoes." "Shone" is more usual when using the other meanings of the word.

Undergraduate / essays for penn state u (career goals / personal statement) [6]

You seem to be on the right track for the first one. You would start out talking about your wider reasons for wanting to study in your chosen field, and then get more specific about what you hope to accomplish in that field.

For the second one, the prompt does indeed ask you to talk about extracurricular activities. Try to relate them to the ways in which they helped prepare you for college. The degree to which you describe them will depend upon how many you have and how much you have to say about them.

It would help if you wrote out a rough draft, even if you did it through free writing, so that we had something substantial to comment on.

Undergraduate / Colgate supp to get to know you beyond what is defined in your scholastic and extracurricular record [2]

You might also want to elaborate on how the experience changed your attitude about failure. At the moment, you just sort of say that you resolved to learn and improve from your experience, without really telling the reader what it was about this specific incident that had such a strong impact on you.

Graduate / 'I was encouraged by my professors' - SOP for Master in Engineering [8]

Some more tips:

"Dear the admissions committee members" -- you don't really need the "the" here.

"I gained a very good experience in the CAD Tools industry" This is a bit awkward. What exactly was the nature of the experience?

"I look forward to hearing back from you at your earliest convenience ." This is a bit more concise, and doesn't make any assumptions about the nature of the reply, which is more diplomatic.

Undergraduate / Metallism: a real unorthodox commonapp essay [8]

You can certainly go with finding God in music, even in heavy metal music -- just don't make it any specific God. In other words, talk about god with a small "g" instead of with a large "G," so as to avoid giving offense to any particular religion. If you say that listening to heavy metal is a spiritual experience for you, then that is a personal thing that no one will take offense to. If you say you find Jesus, or Vishnu, or Buddha, then you risk offending people, because let's face it, a lot of heavy metal music has lyrics that might at first glance seem incompatible with the religions from which these figures come. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's fine to talk about spirituality -- I'd just avoid religion.

Also, don't forget that you want all of your application essays to show something about you that makes you a good applicant. Spirituality might work, but only if you can connect it to something outside of heavy metal. In other words, your love of heavy metal is not in and of itself a quality that the application reviewers would care about, because it does not immediately suggest any way that you would contribute to the university.

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Controversies are by definition interesting, and you should therefore definitely include them if you can do so without going off-topic. Try to avoid merely mentioning that something is controversial, though, and explain what exactly the objections to reality television are. The problem with merely saying that something is controversial is that doing so automatically indicates a bias against it. So, for instance, when Kevin writes about "controversial practices such as racial profiling," it implies that he is against racial profiling. Otherwise, he would presumably have written something about the controversial practice at some airports of refusing to take race into account when screening passengers. A controversy by definition means that there are at least two camps, one that supports the controversial idea and one that opposes it. Therefore, the opposite of the idea must also be controversial. So, if a political who believes in, say, criminalizing abortion, can be described as having controversial beliefs, then so too must a politician who believes in keeping it decriminalized. Thus, saying that something is controversial should not be used as an argument in and of itself against it. You should instead identify the issue as controversial, then give the main reasons why some people oppose it, and then discuss whether this opposition is likely to impact the direction of the show. Don't forget that, because controversy is interesting and sparks discussion of the shows, the shows' producers may actually want to make their shows more controversial in order to drive up ratings.