Undergraduate / Influential person for Common Apps-my boyfriend [12]

I personally thought that your writing style is quite bland and your rambled on and on a bit. As a reader, I was able to lose my interest.

You may want to consider perhaps, polishing some sentences up, using paragraphs, and getting rid of information that does neither justice to the essay and if removed, does not lessen the quality of the essay either.

Undergraduate / "Why I want to major in economics?" - uc personal statement - prompt # 1 [4]

I got bored from the first few lines. I, let alone the Admissions Committee, do not a definition and an explanation of what Economics is

Undergraduate / Personal Growth (Application for Re-Admission to LeMoyne College) [4]




*In reference to the part in bold, how exactly were these people responsible?
It just makes the reader want to know why. However, since no explanation is offered, it lead me as a reader to think that perhaps you are exaggerating? Specifics would prevent that however.



^The part in bold, I did not get.
Also, in your earlier paragraph, you say youve come a long way since then. Yet in this new paragraph, you still have not said how. Claims should always be supported with some material if they are to have any validity.

The last sentence that I have 'bolded', there is no reference to what skills you have developed and you are currently equipped with.




^Good ending.

Undergraduate / Thong Kheng Home for the mentally disabled (Common Application Short Essay) [6]


^Well said

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


^Yea Simone, it seems that Dominic over here decided to make a new user name and post a new thread rather than post on other people's essay and become legible to start a new thread on that account.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Psychology Interest [6]


^The parts in bold require grammar revision. Also, how does this 'experience' pertain to your academic interests exactly?


^None of this discusses your academic interests.

There is no insightful reference to your academic interests, as in why you are interested in that academic field, and there is no discussion on your future goals.

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]




^If you are worried about reducing your word length, this can go in my opinion. It's personal, but I think the idea of how much these kids meant to you is expressed in a very general type of way. Unless you can come up with a more powerful means of saying this, just including this is relatively simple. Such simplicity, can go. It can remain as well, but then again, you have stated your intentions of reducing the word count.


^Your use of the word 'she's is ambiguous.


*Is one of the problems your sick stomach? If so, that is fine. If not, then revise.



EDIT:

It is a nice essay.

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

I think your opening line is arguably your strongest part of your essay. Quite possibly, one of the best opening lines I have read on this site. It's unorthodoxy can cause readers to envision your scenario, and want to read a bit more, which in effect, is a great way to start your essay. It is not vulgar at all by the way, as there is no vulgarity in the word' testicles', especially in the medical context.

It appears that the general consensus is that your essay is a bit long. Noto has already made some suggestions.

Also, your conclusion is fine as it is. You do not need to add more to it in my opinion.


[/quote]
^I think there is something wrong in that sentence.


^I think that the above, in it's entirety can go. Removing it will not disrupt the flow from the previous sentence to the next one.


^That can also go. By removing this, your new paragraph gets straight to the point.



^I liked everything about the above section, although I did not quite get the last sentence...

Your conclusion is fine. Leave it at that. No need to add another point to it.

Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]

Well it would have been helpful if you provided an essay prompt.
With the limited amount of material in your post, I can tell you that your grammar needs to be worked on. You use too many commas, when in fact, full stops will do. Some sentences are awkwardly expressed.

Your overall flow, partly due to the grammar and expression, is quite poor because it just goes on and on and on and has a somewhat, rambling tone to it.

Also, your first two lines...


^Apart for the obvious grammar errors, you have to say how it was a typical late night 'UNTIL'. You need to signal the contrast with the typicality and the event, because naturally, the event was far from your typical Saturday night.


^Again, the grammar here is very weak.
There are commas in stead of full stops and thinking should be in the past tense.
Also, 'Subsequently; in my opinion, has not been used correctly given the context. It was not a subsequent result of anything.

Undergraduate / "How Your Mind Works"; Why I want to major in psychology [5]


^I think you can work on a better opening. Something more, interesting perhaps.

Undergraduate / Major in economics - NYU supplement essay [6]


^You are spoilt for choice then.

Graduate / Graduated from Marketing. SOP for masters in Communication [8]


^I thought that there is an automatic spell check whenever posting on this site.
sfdadsa

^Yea, that became highlighted in red...

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]


Bingo.

From my understanding, the Long essays do not have a word limit, but should be 250 words at the least.

The 'Short Essay' part of the CommonApp restricts the word limit to 150.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

Your essay is mega long Lolit.

It gets boring after the first few sentences, and I was discouraged to read any more of it. I skim read, and my basic observation is that you do a lot more explaining, rather than, perhaps, narrating or discussing. It lacks those personal qualities to present yourself as a candidate.

Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]


^People's decisions are influenced by other activities, surrounding them, that occurred in the past, or can possibly happen in the future.
These influential activities can include people.
Yes, one can stand up to peer pressure. I do it all the time.
However then again, other people feel that they need to succumb to peer pressure, and I have just seen that Simone has given a completely valid explanation as well.



^Well said and well explained. However, I am not sure if Phoenix was going for that kind of an angle or that kind of depth. We shall just have to see in the essay.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

^My contributions on this site are not limited to spell checking. Therefore, an advanced machine would be more suitable. I like the concept of advanced, and the machine suggests that I do an efficient job as well.

^Noto's post was an amazing read.
Well Llamapoop, if it is a secret intention, then it will remain a secret intention. That is what secrets are for.
I think that commenting on the weaknesses of an essay, and making them very clear to the writer, should be more of a motivator to them to want to do something good and improve their essay, rather than a 'Good job. You wrote a fantastic essay'. By saying that 'Good job etc', the writer can easily get disillusioned to the point that he/she may think it is good, when in reality, it sucks. That is why criticism is so much more useful. It gets straight to the point, and the point is delivered immediately.

Strong writers will allows react positively to meaningful and valid feedback.

Undergraduate / Major in economics - NYU supplement essay [6]


^Fictional characters include the characters of Gossip Girl and Sex and the City.
^That is what sprung to my mind immediately.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


Lol. K, even though I am unfamiliar with the idea of having to know some one in order to cry but kk, good to know.


^I was suggestive enough. I was suggestive the first time, until you challenged my suggestions, which is fine, but when you say something like


It comes off as that you are just being too defensive and not open to other suggestions. I was not being 'sarcastic', I was just being realistic in what I believe was a comedic fashion.


^Yes. And the paragraphs that I believe were redundant do neither of these.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


^First of all it is 'criticism'.

Also, you asked:


^If you have specifically requested for advice and feedback to improve, as well as in the thread title, then why are you getting so sensitive?

It was not even criticism. It was just pointing out anomalies.

Edit:

I really do not get why I should tone down. It is not as if I said anything that made, or could make, you cry.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


^That is true.


^The essay question however, does ask for an idea or experience that has been intellectually engaging. The writer, has not addressed this aspect of the essay prompt. Yes, you can argue that the writer here has demonstrated intellectual vitality, however in no way, from what I can interpret, is Stanford asking for an example of intellectual vitality. I understand, that Stanford wants to read about an idea or experience. As I have said before, the writer has not done this. At all.


^Well they may. I also thought your recommendations were wonderful, however, they do not apply to the writer because he is writing from a different angle. He wants to say, that writing a Stanford essay, has been his intellectually engaging experience. My previous sentence is a fact, and I can prove it:

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


I thought I was pretty clear when I said:



^So what? If you are applying to a University, just so that you can sit in a rocking chair some fifty years later, and think to yourself 'Hmm, I made some valuable decisions in life' then ok, leave that in there (Even though you do not make it clear that one of the valuable decisions of your life would be going to UCF, provided that it accepts you)


^Do not try to imply. Such implications are never clear. State and discuss the relative importance to you.
Also, since when did people with doctorate degrees become equipped to show one what it takes to accomplish goals? Without my doctorate degree, let alone my undergrad degree, I can say that to accomplish your goals, it depends on yourself really.

Writing Feedback / princeton summer- I practiced soccer with my cousins [4]

The essay itself is not very personal, and does not flow well at all.
It follows a 'this and that, this and that' type of rhythm, which needless to say, is something that will bore and fail to impress readers.

I also feel compelled to inform you that your grammar, is in serious need of some work.

Undergraduate / "chances of me getting into Yale are slim" - Yale Supplemental Essay - Unique [6]


^Apparently, Gabrielle has an amazing sense of humor. So Gabrielle, if you can modestly talk about that, then go for it. By modesty, I am also referring to not using hyperbolic statements on how funny you are, because such exaggerations tend to be the exact opposite of what humor is all about; they become lame to the point that readers have to cringe and perhaps even bite their lip in agony over having read something that is so obviously fake and not funny.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


^This is neither an idea, nor an experience, that the writer has found intellectually engaging.


^Whilst your points are lovely Simone, I do not think this was the writer's intentions. Afterall,

Writing Feedback / Non-traditional Student College Personal Essay [6]


^You have done a thorough job already.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


^Horrible way to start an essay. This is just so cliche


^None of this is relevant as to why you are choosing to apply UCF. You are just unnecessarily lauding the University, but you are not giving any reasons why you think UCF is great. This makes it sound, as if you yourself do not really know what UCF has to offer.


^You can infact remove everything before this paragraph, and start with this one. You make points on what interests you about UCF. I think you should develop these points, and say what really makes that point interesting to you, as a person. For example, why does diversity representing everyone mean something to you?

Also, the last line, there really is nothing in your essay to support that claim, hence why some development is required.


^You just point out a statistic, but do not apply it to yourself. It looks like youve read something, but do not know the value of that statistic.

Writing Feedback / Qualities to be a good and complete student [11]


^This is a lame way of introducing a point. Also, the sentence needs revision because it is wrong.


^Why are you going off topic and making general statements.

*I read your essay. Your grammar in many sections is very weak and therefore, your sentences are clumsily expressed. Also, I do not think that the 'I am going to list things by paragraph. So firstly, secondly, and last of all' is an effective way of writing essays these days.

Your essay needs to be worked on. Focus on grammar revision and your means of expressing yourself in your writing.

Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]


^It all depends on how you write it.


^Well, I would assume that the Uni is asking for an official, recorded suspension. If your suspension is not official, and not recorded, then I would assume it is allright. However, I may be wrong.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


^Spot on.

Even worse, there is no discussion as to what the intellectual idea or experience is/was? There is nothing mentioned, on anything that you found intellectually engaging.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

My bad.

Undergraduate / "chances of me getting into Yale are slim" - Yale Supplemental Essay - Unique [6]

Well, it kind of seems as if you are trying a bit too hard to make an essay that Yale's Office of Undergraduate Admission. Other people will also try this card. Therefore, it gets boring and more forgettable rather than memorable.


^They probably are not.


^I doubt you are that funny. I apparently am a funny guy. I have seen people laugh for minutes, but never an hour. So smiling for weeks is just such a ridiculous hyperbole.

Also, eating people's leftovers or doing their house hold chores does not mean you are lending a helping hand. You are basically degrading yourself.


^Please.


^What are your SAT scores like?

Undergraduate / Art university communication and design department - how should i end my sop? [5]

Your overall essay suffers from basic grammar errors, spelling errors, both of which contribute to the essay seeming unclear in terms of what you want to say.

Also, this essay lacks the depth and finesse required to show how your true interest in art and why you would like to study art at your particular University

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

I will assume you did not just read my post as within the six minutes or so between my post and yours, you were busy posting your new essay.

Undergraduate / Penn State Personal Statement - 'activities or experience' [5]

wow. Whatever I was about to comment on, Simone already did it and pretty much said what I was about to :o

Anyways, here is some other stuff that I found.


^Why did you feel enlightened? Or even better. How?
If anything, I would have assumed it was the children who felt enlightened?
Also, it is 'effect' on people.
And who knows that is even a profound effect? Revise, cause otherwise, it sounds as if you are flattering yourself, even though you are talking about the preaching of spirituality and religion, which I believe advocate modesty.


^Best reward? I liked your previous sentence, but I do not think that this final one does justice.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


^
It is questionable as to whether you need to mention what school does for it's students. Also, you mention what school does, then you say 'the curriculum', even though you had not introduced it earlier..It sounds wrong.

Also, the final sentence, whilst true, you do need to realize that in Universities, your professors may have biased opinions themselves and may have spent years of research to firmly believe in a subjective view point.

The burden between my history teacher and I continued to develop as the presidential election progressed.
^Burden is not the right word. I think Presidential Election should be capitalized, as I have just done.

My opinion was always undermined and criticized in front of my classmates.
^This sounds as if you were just having a debate. Conversations regarding, politics, history and religion do tend to feature debate. So this is nothing new. Debates will involve undermining and criticizing conflicting viewpoints.

She once commented, "All democrats want to do for the economy is print off more money." At that point I took it upon myself to research the truth. The next day I showed her Obama's economic rescue plan, and her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource.

^She is allowed to believe that. Not believing it, shows your biased viewpoint as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Also, is your teacher a Republican? If she was, then you could have mentioned how during Bush's tenure as President, money was being printed and that is a fact.

After a couple months my tolerance began to diminish, and when 6th period came about I felt resentment.
^Resentment?


^This reminds of me of Animal Farm, where everyone is just the 'masses' easily persuaded. This can be true, but the way in which you express this is arrogant. What makes you so sure that you have not easily been persuaded?


^You can break off the second line into two sentences for starters. Also, you should clarify who 'we' really is.
I do not get your last line.
Also, I think the symbolism here is quite strong. How the Republicans are more powerful in number than the Democrats. Quite something. A Democratic party with less supporters, does not have a strong winning chance. I want to see in your next paragraph if you have really turned the cards around or if the Republicans did win.


^Two seperate clauses.
I had to continually reminding myself to not be biased and to remain open minded, after all that's the issue that troubled me in the classroom. Not always did I know the democratic stance on an issue, but I grew from what I didn't know.

^Needs grammar revision.
Anything I was unsure about I simply looked it up online and brought back what I learned to class the next day.
^What happened to the debate?

Debating with a teacher taught me to be respectful to my rivals . I learned to make sure both of us had an equal time to talk, and to by no means interrupt.

^This needs grammar revision. Also, this is controlled debating. Real life debating, involves lots of interruption.


^Grow as an individual? How? Are you taller now?
You already left your history class to do some online research by the way.
Also, I do not see the relevance of joining the high school debate team to the teacher having impacted your life.

Undergraduate / 'Summer camp days' - Stanford letter to roomate [8]

There are many grammar mistakes in your essays, that need to be attended to if this is going to be admitted to Stanford.


^I dont really get the purpose of the first paragraph I have just quoted. You used to set your alarm really early, your friend disconnnected the alarm, it turned out to be alight, (even though there is no sign of a conflict to begin with) and one other friend just moves in.

Does not really say much about yourself...

The first four sentences of the last paragraph are quite redundant as well

Writing Feedback / I laid there,hoping that I could pass into the void & never return; PATIENCE [6]


^What level of detailed feedback would you like? Perhaps, this answer would be made obvious when you make a post with detailed feedback on somebody else's essay.

Like Simone said, you can not expect people to make considerable effort commenting on your essay, when you in turn do not do the same for others.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]


^Were you tapping your feet as you strode up the steps? That is interesting.


^Lack of grammar parallelism.
Also, 'through my mind' or 'in my mind;'.


^Remove


^Irrelevant

You dont really discuss your violin playing, which is what I assume is meant by 'expand on you extra curricular activities'.
Anyways, Ramadan Kareem and Cheetori? Khobam?

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

Of just being too damn good. Shockingly good.

Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]

There are grammar essays, but I will point out the most obvious one, which is that your first paragraph needs to be in the past tense.

You do not really say why the whole thing was worthwhile.
If everyone on your 'team' thought differently, then how did you share ideas?
A 'unique reasoning'? Please, do not flatter yourself like this with your essays. If your reasoning really was unique, you would have reasoned parts of your essay that need the necessary reasoning.

Also, you do not talk about diversity at all. You just say that you were in a group with five kids, all of whom thought differently.

In your second paragraph, in the early parts, you ramble way too much . As a reader, I already knew where it was going however I did not need five other sentences reading what I already knew in advance. This encouraged me to skim read the essay, and I may have also missed out some important parts just because I assumed that they were unimportant.

So advice: Trim out unnecessary sentences.