Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

Alina, we are polishing the essay now. It is almost there, bear with me :-)


- There are ... words each of them...


- Russian is ...


- ... one's beliefs ...


- I am not sure what you are trying to say here. It does not make sense. Can you reword it for clarity purposes?


- I believe that people should not judge one another. Instead they should have the sense of responsibility and courage to face their own weaknesses in life.


- Change all the questions into statements because these are historical facts.
- This is what the great Russian ...

If you will kindly apply these changes, we may have a solid and ready essay at the end of it :-)

Writing Feedback / Lying has disturbed millions of relationships and transformed the previous friends to enemies [5]

Sallas, I will be offering my comments and suggestions below. The text in blue is my effort at cleaning up your paragraph. Anything I suggest is merely for your consideration. Whether you use it or not us up to you :-)


- This is the prompt that the essay has to answer and yet it is not represented in your introductory paragraph. Remember the essay writing rules? You need to restate the prompt, introduce how the discussion will be done, and then present your opinion. I believe that a new introduction is in order. At the moment, you seem to have jumped directly into the body of the essay.


- Man has always been experiencing the demise of relationships due to the existence of lies between friends, family members, and other members of society. Historically, we are led to believe that honesty is the most important consideration in the relationship between people. Yet somehow there seems to be a ring of untruth to this claim because honesty often results in more hurt and betrayal than lies have ever produced. That is why I am not in agreement with the aforementioned belief about truth. In my opinion, truth is not that important in a relationship because the truth also contributes to the destruction of some relationships.

- This could be your introductory paragraph. Note how it follows the rules for introduction writing. You can use this as a your template.


- This statement of yours has given me an idea that I believe you can use for this essay with much effectiveness. Have you considered writing this essay from a compare and contrast point of view? By writing the essay as a side by side comparison of the good and bad effects of lying and telling the truth, you will be able to properly support your claim that telling the truth is over-rated because it causes more harm than good to tell the truth.

You have actually began discussing the lying and telling the truth foundations and results in your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. So if you build upon those discussions, you will be able to present a new way of looking at the issue. Discussing direct to the point about this prompt is already old and tired. You have stumbled upon a new way to look at the topic. I wonder if you can develop it further? The reason I ask is because in actual essay tests, creativity in the presentation of an argument is also awarded points. The more interesting and fresh you can make your discussion, the better your grade or chance of passing will be.

If you want to give that version a try, I will be more than willing to guide you in developing it. That will be a new essay writing skill that you can develop and use in the future :-)

Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

Alina, that is exactly the problem. The essay prompt asks you to consider a word that should not be translated. Esperanto is your attempt at sounding more intelligent than you need to be in the essay. The main objective of the prompt is clear. Choose a word that is personal to you, from your language, which is Russian, and explain why, in your opinion, the word should not or cannot be translated into another language. There is nothing in the essay prompt that asks you to discuss Esperanto. It is trying to be a universal language like English is. How exactly does that relate to the prompt? Do you see where I am headed? The prompt is not asking you to consider a universal language, just your mother tongue. Your native language. The emergence of Esperanto has nothing to do with the prompt and therefore should not be discussed. I appreciate your opening my eyes to Esperanto but the more I learned about it, the more I understood that it has no place in your essay and deviates from the actual objective of the prompt.

I apologize if I sound harsh but this Esperanto thing needed to be addressed because it seems to be a fixation for you that you need to get over :-) it will not help you meet the prompt of the essay in any way so it should not be mentioned. Do you think you can make the essay work without it?



- Add this to the part where I cancelled Esperanto. That should work as an introduction for you and show that you really understood the prompt and will be sticking to its requirements :-)

Overall, the new and final version of your essay works well, just drop the Esperanto reference. It adheres to the essay prompt and discusses the word on a personal basis for you very well :-)

Undergraduate / 'It was March 12th of 2006' - Coming to the US - CommonApp Essay [7]

Mengyang, you have a well written essay that totally tells a unique story that portrays your assimilation into the American culture. From the time you left China with one image of America in mind to the time you landed on American soil and had to struggle to become more American and less Chinese, everything was depicted well in your essay. It was particularly interesting to find out that you still miss China but that you have come to realize that you have a better future now than before. The overall essay shows your development as a person and an intellectual ability to rationalize that is rarely seen in college students these days. Be proud of the work you have done. This is one story that is truly central to your identity and a reflection of who you have become over the period of time that you have been in the United States.

If I were to nitpick on your essay, the one thing that I would have like to have read more about what your struggle to become a part of American society when you first landed. That is a character building period that would have taken us deeper into your development as a person. If you feel that this is something you would be comfortable discussing then go ahead and try it. You can never have too many versions of one essay :-)

Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

Alina, let me try my hand at this. Let's see what happens :-) I think we need to lose the Esperanto part in order to make this work.

There are just some words in foreign words that defy translation.Words like Esperanto, which is Russian for (insert English translation here) just cannot be translated for universal use. To do so would make the very word lose its essence and spirit. For me, the "personal" word that defies definition and translation, and therefore should remain unchanged is the Russian word "Samokopaniye".

Does this work for you?

Graduate / Honor, courage, and commitment, those are the Navy Core Values. Navy Motivational Statement [4]

Joshua, this is certainly shorter than the first one, which is good. There are some errors I need to point out though.


- This particular part of your story just does not fit into the motivation of your becoming a sailor. It would be best to avoid any mention of people or life events that do not show how you developed a motivation for a naval career.



- ... injury while manning an anti...


- As a previously enlisted Navy man ...


- ... critical points in the battle ...


- ... who will put the mission... As a man coming from a long line...

This is a more Navy-centric motivational statement that shows how familiar you are with the navy and the career plan you have ahead of you. It just might draw the kind of attention you need in order to get into the Navy. I am not saying it will work, but with more polishing, it might be in a good position for consideration :-)

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, like I said, the essays come with prompts. The common prompts also have topics about you that help you develop an idea to discuss in the essay. Read the essay instructions. It should have a question listed somewhere there. It could be something along the lines of :

"What event in your life do you feel defines you as a person?"

"Is there anything special about yourself that is not mentioned in the application form? Please tell us about this special thing that sets you apart from the other applicants."

"How do you feel our university will help you achieve your goals as a XX major?"

Those are some examples of prompt questions that you might come across. It will be better said in the official forms. Mine are just off the top of my head versions of the common essay prompts. Try to see if you can find some of these questions in your list and try to write an essay or post the prompt here so we can give you some topic ideas :-)

Essays / I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay! [28]

Fiona, before you start to worry needlessly about how you come out as unique and passionate or whatever in your essay, you first need to understand how the essays are written. Right now, you believe that you need to think very hard of what you want to say in your essay when it is actually the other way around. First wait for your application packet from the university of your choice and then look over the essay requirements. These essays are what we work on helping the students to polish here.

The university will send an application packet that will include some essay requirements. Read the questions being asked by each essay. Ponder the question, then outline what it is you want to say. Make sure you understand what the essay is asking you write about even before you outline you paper. It won't hurt if you ask for an explanation if you don't understand the question. Once you have outlined your essay, you can now draft it and bring it over here for further review and improvements as needed.

I hope this clarifies things for you. The students do not just write a personal essay in general terms. There is always a question posed and an answer being given. So you cannot second guess the essay and write something that you hope will answer a possible question. So for now, just relax and wait. You will be nervous enough when the application packets start arriving at your doorstep :-)

Writing Feedback / University must wisely allot money on sport activities and libraries because those all are essential [4]


The TOEFL tests many avenues of your English skills, one of these avenues is your ability to analyze and comprehend English sentences via the questions posed as an essay prompt. Therefore, when it is necessary to discuss two elements or you feel that something should be equally done, then you must discuss it as such. Just remember to defend your stand very well. There are no wrong or right answers in the TOEFL. The examiners are looking at your ability to apply analysis and logic to the questions posed. This proves your ability to understand and communicate accurately in the English language which in turn, shows them that you will probably be a a good student in the American school you will eventually be admitted into.

Graduate / Honor, courage, and commitment, those are the Navy Core Values. Navy Motivational Statement [4]

Joshua, your essay is currently suffering from too much information. Let me try to help you whittle this down to only the important part of a motivational letter and suggest ways that you can build upon it.


- This is the portion o the essay that should be the concentration of your motivational statement. More importantly, you should tell the admissions officer more about your participation in the Navy and on the battlefront if possible. Develop the idea that you come from a line of naval officers and you will be falling into the legacy that your father and grandfather started. From that point on, we can look into adding or removing information as it applies to your motivation.

Your academic information does not have any place in a motivational statement. This should be all about the inspirations and ideals that exist in your life and within you that have led you to the port of the Navy.

Undergraduate / The feeling I get while reading a good book is unparalleled - I could even go on reading for a 24hrs [2]

Saugat, you need to revise the essay you wrote in full because it did not respond properly to the essay prompt. You spoke of an activity rather than of a place or environment. Being a voracious reader myself, I can go on reading for hours as well and get lost in the written word. However, that is not an environment nor a place. In order to make this essay work using reading as a basis, you need to set the environment and place in a library. From there you can develop your essay to suit your reading activity.

For example, you can explain that you feel perfectly content in the library because of your love for the written world. Describe the feeling you get when you are among the hard bound books. Transform that world for us into a place where you find peace and contentment as you travel through space and time through the books that you read. Develop the idea that you find a sense of inner peace as you dive into the quiet world of the library, where noise is non-existent and your imagination can soar without limits.

Basically, you will have to take us into this abstract place in your mind that can only find a life and manage to exist within the confines of the library and your reading activities. When you manage to do that, the essay will finally work using reading as a part of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

Alina, From what I understand of the prompt, you need to choose a word that carries a special meaning in its original sense. A meaning that is far deeper than any common definition or translation can give. It is a word that when translated, cannot seem to carry the same meaning as when it is said in its original form. That is why I used "Te Amo" as an example for you. That is the essence of an essay. You need to choose a word that is so special to your language that it could lose its essence if translated. That is the essence of the prompt portion that says:


If you look at my explanation about the word "Te Amo" and why it should not be translated to any other language, you will see that I was able to meet the essay prompt because I said that ;


Did I clarify the prompt for you now? Don't hesitate to ask more questions if you need to :-)

Writing Feedback / Lying has disturbed millions of relationships and transformed the previous friends to enemies [5]

Salman, providing us with the prompt for this essay will help us analyze whether you answered the question properly or not. Kindly supply the question as soon as you can so that we can do a review of your essay based on accurate guidelines. You see, I have a problem understanding the following quote from your essay:


- What is the question being posed for you to answer? It is quite unclear and cannot easily be picked out of the introduction that you wrote because you discuss lying and honest in the same paragraph as two separate topics. Are they supposed to be connected in the discussion? If so, what is the connection? You need to clarify that as you make your stand on the topic being discussed.

The discussion that you posed becomes lost because of the lack of direction in the paragraphs. Your statements need to be developed with a particular direction, but without the prompt, I am not sure how to direct or correct what I can see are obvious mistakes in the discussion of the perceived topic. I hope to read the prompt soon so that I can help you give your essay the proper direction and paragraph topics that it requires in order to become coherent to the reader :-)

Undergraduate / One "Personal" Word - UChicago Supplement [21]

Alina, there are some words that seem to carry more depth and emotion when left untranslated, words such as "Te Amo" in Spanish means "I love you". While you can say the same words in English, Saying it in the original Spanish term, due to the emotions that are included in the pronunciation of the word in the original language, makes it more dramatic and emotional when heard. I stirs an emotion in the person who hears the original word, thus making the word more meaningful when left untranslated. That is why certain words, such as "Samokopaniye" should not be translated. Sometimes, the importance of the word and its meaning is better delivered in the original language. I am sure that "splittable chopsticks" sounds better and more dramatic in its original Japanese from than the rough English translation would lead us to believe. The same goes for the word that you chose. To put it another way, foreigners react better to learning the original word and its meaning rather than having it roughly translated for them so that is one reason why some words should remain personal and untranslated.

Do you understand what I have just explained? Feel free to ask more questions if you still need clarifications :-)

Undergraduate / "Culumbia is the place for me" [3]

Maria, I noticed that you spoke at great length about how Columbia will help you expand your horizons by teaching you about Engineering. It would help your application if you can explain how you plan to utilize their internship programs for this purpose and which of their international programs would help enhance your leadership skills. Most importantly, mention which of their projects or programs are of interest to you because of your plans for a future engineering project. Then mention how you hope to be mentored by certain professors, name names if you can, in the development of your projects. You also mentioned a minor in HIspanic Studies but you did not expand this topic. You should mention what it is about their Hispanic program that drew you towards the decision to minor this course. It is important to portray the academic influence that Columbia offers because that is what is implied in the prompt.

If you have had a chance to visit the campus and immerse yourself in the student community, then add that experience to the essay. If you have not had the chance to do that, then it would be best to avoid discussing it. Instead, use the remaining word count to concentrate more on the academic side of Columbia and why you feel that you can be a productive part of their academic community.

Undergraduate / First Gen American - UC ESSAY [3]

Brian, I know you want the comments on your essay to include grammatical and sentence structure error corrections right from the start. However, I believe that those can be left for the latter part of editing the essay because the most important part of the essay is the topic or theme that you want to get across to the Admissions Officer. The words that you used in the essay could change depending upon the reviews we give so grammar advice is something I usually save for later. That said, I would like to comment on the content of your essay.

I see that your parents had a very hard time adjusting to life in the United States as migrant workers. However, you strongly pointed out towards the end of your essay that you parents taught you the value of hard work and taking the opportunities that come your way. If I were the Admissions Officer, I would like to see more of that story in your essay. The story of your parents taking the opportunities that came their way and their work ethic that has made you the person you are today. Don't dwell too much on the hardship of your parents. Instead, paint them and the world you grew up in with an inspirational theme. By doing so, you will have created a strong image of the kind of parents that you have and an inspiring tale from the world you come from. As of now, the essay seems to exist too much in the world of negativity, even with your experiences. Try to paint the situation in a better light in order to show an inspiring side to your personality that could attract the Admissions Officer's attention to your application.

Should you decide to take my advice, we can work on polishing the theme and content of the essay as we correct the grammar and any other problems that might arise during editing.

Undergraduate / I have always dreamed about studying something which is related with humans beings; applying letter [11]

Abbys, please allow me to show you how this letter of application should be done. Use it as a template for your next revision.

Dear Admissions Officer,

The world we live in is full of anger and strife. It is a world where people are separated by race, religion, and ideologies. Yet somehow, all the nations need to get over these divisive factors in order to unite for the good of mankind. The need for international relations is an immediate necessity in our world in order to bring a balance of peace, unity, and cooperation into our world. That is how I see our world today and that is why I am interested in pursuing a degree in International relations.

The reason that I am applying to an overseas university instead of a local one is quite simple. Being an international relations student, I must practice what I preach. I must immerse myself in a world where I will be able to put my lessons into practice. I cannot do that by staying in my comfort zone. I need to step out, into the true international world known as college, in order to gain the ultimate understanding of how foreign relations can work for the betterment of mankind. After a thorough and exhaustive search, I came to realize that AUC is the university that answers all of the requirements I am looking for in a university. I have the utmost confidence that AUC will be the university that can teach me all I need to know about international relations.

AUC offers me the opportunity to learn about international relations by allowing me to develop my communication skills by perfecting my English, which is the international language of business and also, gives me an international perspective of the world because of the diverse nationalities of students enrolled and professors working at the university. This is, in my mind, the perfect place to practice cultivating peace among a melting pot of students. I will also be provided the rare opportunity of continuing to practice my music under the AUC musical program. As a violinist, I believe that music is one of the equalizing factors in international relations. Music brings peace and calm to a troubled soul and helps soothe the wounds of an ailing nation. Therefore, my education in International Relations is sure to be well rounded by the AUC curriculum.

These are the reasons why I am presenting myself as an applicant for the International Relations Program at AUC. I hope that I may be seriously considered for a spot in your student community during the upcoming term.

Abbys, you have the option to use this letter in full if you wish to or write your own version using this as a template. The choice is yours :-)

Undergraduate / For six generations, my family has lived in a rural black hole known as New Iberia; Texas A&M [4]

- This is the portion you need to concentrate on in your SOP. Explain how you feel that there is a need for you to transfer schools due to your quest for higher quality and more relevant education in the medical field. Explain your plans for your future medical career and how you feel that transferring to this new university will be able to help you achieve that through their course curriculum. Make specific mention of any programs or internships that you feel will propel you to the head of your field. More importantly, if they have any mentor doctors whom you wish to work with, mention those names and how you hope to work with them. If you have a possible plan for future medical experiments or studies, now would be the best time to tell them about it and relate it to the mentoring that you hope to encounter at the university. By doing so, you will be able to present your career plan to the admissions officer in a way that your documents cannot.Yes, I am asking you, rather, advising you to change your whole essay to meet the slant of the prompt instead. The one you have right now does not really apply to its requirements.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Newly-invented technology VS the role of teacher at schools. [3]

Tia, you have created a good essay that shows tremendous improvement over your past work. While the grammar remains an issue, the thought coherence is beginning to take shape and you are able to now get your points across in your own unique way :-) Keep up the good work. I will be making my comments and suggestions below.


- With the emergence of new technologies such as online learning and e-distance education, there has been a growing belief that the internet and computers are far better avenues of study than the traditional teacher based education. There arguments to the contrary however, stating that the traditional teacher based education is still the best way for children to learn. Being a child of both worlds and generations, I feel that both avenues of learning are important from different points of view.


- If we were to look at the technological advances that have allowed people to continue to pursue their education via non-traditional means, we will see that the very same traditional requirements such as attendance, quizzes, and homework are also applied, but in a more relaxed setting that allows the student to learn at his own pace. The existence of the computers and the internet also means that the students learn more because of the easily accessible information pertaining to their lessons. That is something that does not exist in a traditional classroom set up.

- Tia, considering discussing this essay as a compare and contrast essay because you need to show the benefits and drawbacks of each type of learning environment.


- Traditional schools with teachers require the students to learn at the same pace, which results in some students not learning as well as they should be.This is because teachers are faced with a multiple students per class so they cannot devote individualized attention to the students, thus hindering the learning process for others.

Traditional learning methods also limit the knowledge that the students can acquire to only what the textbooks and teachers can share with them. Other than that, they have to become an autodidact in order to learn more about the lessons that interest them.While students using new technology to learn have the freedom to go beyond the limitations of teacher and classroom teaching. They are allowed the freedom to learn as much as they want about topics of particular interest to them. This proves that technology has widened the learning horizon for students when compared to the traditional classroom set up with a teacher.

Teachers are still used as moderators and sources of additional knowledge in a technologically set up classroom. However, they find themselves with the freedom to teach the students in a more effective manner because of the seemingly individualized set up for the classroom. Students can use email, chat, or class discussions to ask additional questions without fear of holding back the class or looking less intelligent than the others. Without teachers, the new technology classrooms will be ill effective because there won't be anybody around to help direct the students towards the right learning direction.

- I added to your discussion just to show you how you could further develop your information in a compare and contrast manner. You need to be able to determine when a comparison essay is required for an essay such as this one.


- It is because of the aforementioned reasons that I believe that the new technology method of teaching students will slowly become the preferred learning method of the future. Teachers will always be an important part of information sharing and teaching so eventually, the traditional method will find itself merged with the new style of learning in the 21st century as technology makes learning more enticing and interesting for the students to absorb new information. In my opinion, there is no competition between new technology and the importance of teachers in the learning set up of students.

- I did not really see a solid personal opinion from you in the paper so I thought I would show you how to develop one prior to presenting your conclusion. I hope you don't mind :-)

Now you can develop a proper conclusion that will adhere to the conclusion requirements of essay writing :-) I hope I was able to help you as well as you expected :-)

Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]


- Definitely talk about the passion that developed in you after the experience. It does not matter how long the passion or your interest has been shaping up as long as you can lay the foundation for its development. By showing a progression of interest, you will be able to depict yourself as a student who will go the full length of the course curriculum in order to graduate. Just remember to keep it related to your friend's anorexia experience.


- You can mention that in general terms. I believe that there is a specific essay in the application packet that asks you write either a statement or full page essay to that effect. Try to keep the supplemental essay simple and direct to the point. Why you chose to go to Cornell is not exactly important to the prompt provided.

Writing Feedback / University must wisely allot money on sport activities and libraries because those all are essential [4]

Comments and suggestions to follow below. Please take note of the very important note I presented at the end regarding your method of writing the concluding statement. This is an ongoing problem with your essays that needs to be addressed.


- This is a good way of presenting your restated prompt and thesis statement. You clearly understand what kind of answer the prompt is expecting.


- These are good arguments. However, both are under developed. You need to provide a strong discussion of both reasons as separate paragraphs. Present more reasons for the need to allot an equal amount for the library such as upgrading the technological facilities where students can work on the computers for their research and the maintenance of the existing materials in the library such as the books and archives. That is one paragraph unto itself. Then the sports part needs to be discussed separately since you can only discuss one thought or topic per paragraph. For sports, you should develop the obesity and health related concerns as the reason for the equal budget. These discussions will prove the importance of equal budgeting for the two.


- This line of reasoning does not resonate with the essay prompt. I suggest you delete it and in its place, discuss why some sectors believe that the library and sports facilities should not have equal budgets. Remember, these kinds of essays need an opposing argument in order to become effective in its defense of its stand.


- I keep reminding you that you are not supposed to present new ideas in the conclusion and yet you keep on doing that. Please stop doing that. You know it is against the essay rules. If you want to talk about enticing new students, do it in a separate paragraph and then write the conclusion to your essay covering the restated prompt, summary of facts, and a repetition of your stand.

Undergraduate / I have always dreamed about studying something which is related with humans beings; applying letter [11]

Abbys, we need to work on some more aspects of the essay that remain unclear. Note my comments and suggestions below:


- The idea behind this paragraph is confusing and unclear. You are talking about studying international relations, therefore, you should present the basis for the way you developed an inclination towards that field of study. That means you need to present more specific details about what it was about human relationships that brought you believe that there is a need to study international relations in order to understand human relationships.


- Abbys, if you are studying international relations, concentrating on the Arabic and English cultures is not a good idea to present in your letter. Instead, you should be talking about how you wish to enroll in the course because you want to gain a deeper understanding of the world cultures and how the symbiotic relationship between nations helps to foster peace and understanding in the world.


- You should delete this paragraph as well for the same reasons I mentioned above.


- I don't understand, are you planning to have a double major in college? How does the music program fit into your international studies curriculum? You need to show a connection between the two or just concentrate on developing the international studies idea.


- Your conclusion does not provide the admissions officer with an idea of your future plans and how AUC fits into those goals. You should revise your closing statement to reflect that.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The food we eat today may put a damper on our health rather than making us live healthier [7]

Yue, your essay actually answers the prompt or question being posed in the statement. It is actually a very good essay in the sense that you show a good understanding of the prompt and you know what the expectation are in your answer. The only problem I have with the examples you use is that the samples are too generalized. Do you see the statements in the first thread that I answered you in? The ones colored with green text are my suggestions about how you can improve the content of your essay. Again, you do not digress from the essay prompt. You just need to fix the answers that you are giving so that it will make more sense in the paragraph.

Pay attention to the comments I made and try to provide what I am asking you to in the essay. After you have done that, it is called a revision, post the revision in this same thread so that we can review it for content and tell you how improved the paper has become and what else we have to work on so that it can reach its final form. By doing that you will learn how to revise your paper the right way, learn some new English words along the way, and gain confidence when it comes to your writing style :-) I hope to see your revised paper here soon.

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

Middya, of course you may combine my work with yours. That is why we are advising you :-) Go ahead and use any part of the essay that I wrote in your next version. Hopefully it will turn out to be the one that you feel comfortable enough to submit. We will just have to perform one more grammar and sentence structure check before you do that though. I would like to let you know that I appreciate your patience with me while we were editing your essay. I know it ran a little long in the editing department but it was something that we had to do in order to get the essay to where you need it to be :-) If you have any other questions about the content of the essay or how to finish certain parts, don't hesitate to ask. I'll try to answer you as soon as I can :-)

In the meantime, I am looking forward to reading the next version of your personal statement. Hopefully it will not require too many changes and we will be able to finally polish it to the point where you will feel good and confident about submitting it with your other application forms :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: working alone appears to be better. It helps us to be more responsible. [9]

lephuc, develop the essay some more based upon my suggestions, including the third paragraph. Then we can look at whether we can somehow make the reasons sound different from each other instead of just being repetitive ways of saying the same thing. This is just the draft of the essay. There is room to improve the essay. Try out different versions and see which version appeals the most to you. At this point, we are still playing around with the content, not necessarily the grammar. Go ahead and develop the third paragraph, I look forward to seeing how you can develop it.

I know that you can revise this essay properly. I have that kind of confidence in you because you understood the prompt correctly. I'll be here to help you develop this essay to the point where you feel comfortable with the way you have written it. Regardless of the number of revisions you might need. That is how you learn to write a proper essay :-) I look forward to reading the revision soon. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Don't come here again! Loser!' Identity Essay Common app [9]

Atom, do as you wish with the essay. My work here is simply to guide you towards the polishing of your written work. If you feel the vocabulary is dumbed down, feel free to use more sophisticated words. I have to warn you though, most essays fail to impress the admissions officers because the writers use big words they found in a dictionary or thesaurus without really considering if it is applicable to the sentence they have constructed. Be careful with your choice of words. Just because you use a sophisticated word does not mean you will impress the admissions officer. There are times when simply using ordinary words, but allowing the real you to shine through in the essay is more effective than a bunch of important sounding words strung together.

I am not dissuading you from upping the ante on the vocabulary, I am just informing you of the possible drawbacks when you use words that you may not completely understand or is not truly applicable to the situation you are describing. Admissions officers know when the words used were based on a dictionary or thesaurus. Remember these are native speakers of English who can tell when someone is putting on an act in their essays.

What I posted was to serve as a guide for you and nothing more. Do what you will with the essay. There are no right or wrong answers in the forum. That is for the admissions officer to decide.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The food we eat today may put a damper on our health rather than making us live healthier [7]

I cannot tell for sure if you digressed from the topic because you have not provided the essay prompt yet. the essay prompt is what tells us how to help you direct the essay and how to help you improve upon it. It will be the criteria that tells us where to cut things out or add things to the essay. Without it, we do not really know how to properly advice you on the way you wrote the draft. We need to know what the prompt or question being asked is so that we can tell you if you have digressed or not from the essay.

All I am saying right now is that the essay needs to be worked on. The content has room for improvement but that improvement can only come with an understanding of what is expected from your as the writer of the essay. The suggestions I made are supposed to help you with the revision of the essay. It does not mean that the essay is wrong or a failure, It is just supposed to offer you a guide or example of how you can further improve the paper :-)

Don't feel bad. You have not done anything wrong. Don't be sad. Any errors in the paper can still be corrected as soon as we get the prompt of question to answer from you :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The food we eat today may put a damper on our health rather than making us live healthier [7]

Yue, where's the essay prompt? I'm not sure what your essay should be discussing and if you are discussing the right topic. Please provide that so that we can have a basis for your essay review. Thanks. I am going to give a generalized review of your essay for now.


- If you are talking about the effects of Genetically Modified Organisms on our food choice, then discuss that as a separate paragraph and use the actual term. Your introduction should only contain your restated prompt, facts for discussion, and your opinion on the matter. That is nowhere to be found in this version.


- When you say modern technology affects our health negatively, you must provide examples that support that claim. Without evidence to support the claims you are making, the essay does not have the academic integrity to be believed by the readers.


- Again, you need examples here. Mention the effect of the emergence of the food truck as an unhealthy eating habit because it provides unhealthy quick meals.


- You never really stated how people have started to eat healthier food. You need a paragraph dedicated to that discussion in order to create a balance of opinions and facts in your essay.

Overall, this is a very weak essay and I have not even seen the prompt for it yet. Once you present the prompt for this, we will be able to assist you in improving the essay to further adhere to the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'Don't come here again! Loser!' Identity Essay Common app [9]

Atom, let me try and fix this up for you.

- I grew up in a secluded environment because my parents did not want me to be exposed to bad influences. The only time I socialized with children my age was when I was at school where football was the main bonding activity of the kids. Sadly, I never learned how to play football before coming to school because nobody in my family had the time to teach me. So I played very badly and would often not be chosen for the team when the game was played at school. When I did play, all I did was run across the field because I did not know how to score goals, make saves, or avoid my opponents. Needless to say I was often embarrassed because not even the worse team in school wanted me to play with them. I could never really understand why I could not play the game and I did not have the guts to ask my peers to teach me how to play the game properly.


- To this day I still can't understand how I ended up playing in the zonal matches when I was the worst player in my zone. The football matches were important games that were set up between 10-11 year old boys. Losing in the games meant that your team could not participate in other games for 2 months. Winning meant that the team would only have to sit out 5 days. Needless to say, I played very badly and probably caused my team to lose. So I can understand why they decided to take their ire out on me after we lost the game. I can still remember what happened;

"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
Tunde was the person in charge of choosing the boys who would play in the zonal matches. The person screaming was Ade, and I was the boy lying on the ground, curled up and wincing in pain after having taken a beating set upon me by eight kids who used sticks and punches to inflict bodily harm upon me. Each time I tried to escape, the more I was beaten, It seemed to me that they would not stop until I lay lifeless on the floor.


- I began to think that my parents were right about keeping me secluded in the house. My social life was inconsequential. I withdrew from socializing with other people my age because I could see that they did not see me as a friend. Some of them had anger and disgust for me. Others showed me compassion and regret for beating me up with their eyes. to protect myself, I no longer left the house unless I needed to.Playing may have been fun but it was not worth risking my life over. It was not until secondary school that I changed my mind about mingling with my classmates and I began to try to make friends again.Now I was finally accepted because I excelled where others could not, academically. My peers were now supportive and shared my interests in math and science. Others welcomed me to their circle where were spoke about the latest songs and other kinds of music. I finally realized my dream of being accepted as an equal among my peers. No longer was I discriminated against for being a poor player. No longer was I on unequal footing with my peers. My life began to improve and eventually, I was able to put the past behind me and become a new, better person that I could be happy with.

Try my suggestions and see if you will like it. If you do, try to make it the basis of your new version. Let's see what we can do with it :-)

Writing Feedback / Benefit of education is to create someone smart, skillful, religious, lofty moral and strong in life [3]

Tuan, in order to write a successful essay, you need to first understand what question you are being asked to answer. That means you need what is known as an essay prompt. The prompt will be guide by which you will build your answers to the question. All of the information that will be contained in your essay will come from there. Without an essay prompt, you will have a bunch of words or research material that you will not make sense because you do not know how to build it or direct it towards a logical discussion and conclusion.

That said, you need to ask yourself what benefit of education you want to talk about. As you can see, the topic has quite a vast coverage and not all of that can be covered in an essay. A simple essay is comprised of an introduction, 3 bodies of paragraph composed of 3-3 sentences each (minimum), and a summary conclusion that restates the thesis prompt, the facts of the essay, and your opinion. I take it that this essay prompt was not professionally provided to you but was only a topic that you chose to write for yourself? If that is the case, let me offer you a sample essay prompt on education that you can use in writing a new version of this essay. The prompt is "The education of children is said to begin at home because they learn by imitating their parents. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?"

Try to see if there is any information in your research material that will help you answer this prompt. This is only a simple question that does not require a complex answer. I hope you can see the difference between what you tried to do and how an essay written using a prompt are different from one another.

Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]

You need to write two separate essays for each school. Do not try to pass off a generic essay for both. One or the other version will fall short of the requirements or over inform the admission officer by giving data that is not required or expected in the essay. Try to write two different versions of the essay, paraphrasing is acceptable in this instance because you need to submit a fresh essay each time you apply to a university.

Now about your current essay...

You should first mention how you developed your passion for the field you are applying to study. After you have successfully informed the admissions officer about how your interest developed and what you have done so far to learn about the field, you can then introduce the story of your friend's bout with anorexia and how you helped her. But don't get overly dramatic about it like you did in the first draft. Just go direct to the point, she told you, you were adverse to what you found out at first and then, this is where you begin to expand your statement again, you talk about how you helped her overcome her illness using the information that you learned. This will clearly depict the community that you come from and the kind of person / friend that you are. End the essay with a statement that reiterates your desire to further your knowledge in the field and how you hope to take what it is you learn from the university back to the community so that you can help the others who are suffering like your friend.

Try out these suggestions for your essay revision. We will help you edit it further as we go along :-) Good luck. Ask questions if you need to ;-)

Undergraduate / 'Don't come here again! Loser!' Identity Essay Common app [9]

Atom, here is an example of the combined paragraph:

Zonal matches were something I never dreamt of playing.They were very consequential.I had that in mind when I pleaded to play the day before I was beaten mercilessly.I wanted to try.I wanted to be seen.I wanted my colleagues to know I could stand up in the big days.I wanted to be a surprise.I wanted respect.I was hoping that the worst case scenario would be like one of those days where I won't be noticed.I got none of that.I missed two goals that I should clearly have scored.This time it wasn't just about my talent at football;It was also about nervousness.Even a young and inexperienced player would have scored with those opportunities. My errors were too numerous. I received just not a blow in the stomach or a kick in the knee.I was surrounded and beaten by eight kids,with sticks and punches. It was as if I was a thief. Whenever I tried to escape,a hard blow would send me back to the floor.

''Don't come here again! Loser!
"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
That was Ade yelling at me.I lay on the floor,curled up, wincing at the pain of the bruises I had sustained from being assaulted by my colleagues.Ade was the biggest and strongest amongst us, who were 10-11 year old kids.He chose who would play the zonal football matches.These competitions were very special because young players from all zones of the local government area participated.It was an opportunity for the participants to display their talents and hopefully receive tons of accolades.If any zonal team lost,they would take a compulsory hiatus of two months from playing. If not, they would only have five days.Everyone of course wanted the latter.

This describes what you went through in life that became central to your development as a person.

Here is a sample of how you can use your conclusion as an opening paragraph:

Inequality exists in our world because of the diversity of personalities and desires of each person. It is the nature of man to want to achieve the best that he can and prove his worth in collective engagements such as sports. Sports is a world where all men can play the game but not all men can succeed. I can play football, but as my previous experiences in life have proven, I cannot succeed at it due to various reasons that stem from the inequality of my upbringing from my peers.

You can then proceed to explain how you were brought up sheltered by your parents...

I hope i was able to clarify your questions. Don't hesitate to ask if you feel the need to do so :-)

Writing Feedback / There are some common factors we all share to gain happiness; each have own definition of happy life [2]

Ni ngo, you need to develop this essay further. It presents good arguments but lacks paragraph development through the presentation of examples of factual evidence. the introduction alone is weak because it does not present the information that is normally expected in an introduction. This includes the restated essay prompt, your opinion, and what the discussion will take place within the essay.

You need to offer a simple definition of happiness at the very least, prior to discussing the meaning of the word in the lives of different people. Even then, your paragraph does not clearly define an individualized understanding of happiness. Instead, you present methods by which happiness can be identified. That is not the same as a definition. Improve your first paragraph by presenting that definition first.

There is also no sign of your discussion regarding the factors that are important in achieving happiness. You can mention at least two of these factors for consideration in order to create the discussion. One reason can discuss, in a complete paragraph, how contentment is an integral factor to consider in the achievement of happiness. Once a person is content with his life, then he is happy. You can also mention self-fulfillment as another factor to consider. A self - fulfilled person will find himself quite happy because he has no wants or needs left to achieve, thus offering him happiness in his life.

If you present the additional information as I detailed it here, you will be able to write a better developed conclusion to the essay.

Undergraduate / A life without companionship can be synonymous with a life without purpose - story or background [2]

Sarib, I have placed my comments and recommendations below for your consideration :-)


- Sarib, while your opening statement was nice, it would be better for you to open your essay with the above paragraph instead. The reason I say this is because it immediately offers the admissions officer an idea of who you are, what conflicts and obstacles you had to overcome, and how it influenced the person you became. This is the interesting hook that all common app essays require.


- This can be your second paragraph because it shows us exactly how you were affected by the events unfolding in your world. It also shows us how your world was constantly changing in order to adapt to the situation you found yourself in.


- Your third paragraph. Speaks of how you were affected by the events and how you dealt with it.


- Your closing paragraph. When combined, this becomes the strong conclusion that shows us the kind of person you have become because of the world you live in and its effects upon you.

If you choose to apply the revisions to the paragraph placement in the essay, we will be able to help you further polish the content and eventually, we can start cleaning up the grammar and sentence structure problems. I hope you will consider my suggestions for your essay :-)

Essays / Modern day communication via social networks puts an end of true and sincere relationships. [2]

Tay, this is a very interesting topic for an essay. There are many examples that you can choose to base your writing on. For example, look at the way cyberbullying occurs. Due to the way that the internet allows people to pretend to be anybody they want to be, people no longer think twice about saying bad things about others and making false friendships. Then discuss how social media is now seen mostly as a tool to show off rather than actually build relationships and friendships.

Refer to the recent study that showed how Facebook users tend to be depressed after reading about the accomplishment of their "social" friends. That could actually be the basis of your whole essay. Explain how social media makes people care less about others because the slant of the service is simply to entertain and not build friendships or sincere relationships. Everything about social media is superficial because it is not based on reality or common denominators. Rather, it is based simply on increasing the likes or followers of an account. That never translates into meaningful and sincere friendships. Explain how half the people who follow each other on Twitter barely know each other, if at all.

I hope my ideas help you to develop your essay. Good luck! I can't wait to read your draft.

Writing Feedback / My new neighbor is a restaurant [4]

Gbekil, you need to address 2 stands in this particular essay aside from your own in order to effectively discuss the pros and cons of having a restaurant open in your neighborhood. Consider discussing the positive and negative effects of having a restaurant in the neighborhood. The positive side include convenience, job opportunities for the members of the community, and increased income for the city. The negative side is sanitation problems due to the trash volume the restaurant will produce, the smell of the food coming from the kitchen that will mix with the air of the neighborhood, and the dietary considerations of the residents in the area. After you have discussed those two sides, you can then present your own opinion on the matter as you have described above.

By presenting two other sides to the situation, you will have effectively balanced the discussion to show the concerns of the community and the concerns of an individual who will be affected by the opening of the restaurant. Consider all of the factors in your own decision making process and go with the side that you feel best fits your own reasons for supporting or not supporting the restaurant. That will create a solid basis for your own opinion.

Don't forget to follows the rules for writing a proper conclusion. I noticed it was missing in your draft essay. You know that your essay will be deemed incomplete without a solid conclusion to close it :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

lephuc, I have just a few revisions and comments for you to note.


- ... and the environment.



- You need to present solid, factual evidence of this claim. This is a very under developed paragraph that lacks the required minimum number of sentences. It is not effective at all. Present an example that shows how ordinary people can save money by taking public transport instead of private vehicles. Compare the price of gas used by cars weekly as opposed to the bus or train fare. Then compare it by month to show the savings of a person.


- This is a very confusing sentence. First you are talking of the environment then you start to talk about social interaction, which should be a separate paragraph. Go for thought clarity and try to restate this paragraph with acceptable supporting facts. Move the social interaction to an additional paragraph and develop it further.


- Your conclusion falls short. It does not have the restated prompt clearly set out, there is no summary of facts, and your opinion is not repeated at the end. There is a need to revise this part as well.

Undergraduate / Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement [10]

dumbnerd, I really hate calling you that. It sounds so disrespectful. Anyway, you need to supply the essay prompt for this so that we will know what direction the essay should be taking. It will also give us a clearer idea of what the expectations are in your responses. We will look for those points in the essay and show you where you can improve and what to change. In the meantime, I present to you a general essay review.

One major problem that I see with this paper is that we are learning too much about your friend and very little about you. From the very start, you should be discussing how you reacted to the news, how you tried to help and what the outcome of that help was. Do not concentrate on describing your friend too much. This essay is not about her. It is all about you and how you coped with the situation. Don't forget, you are the one applying for admission so the admission officer is definitely not interested in your friend. Revise the essay totally to center more on you and how you took the revelation of your friend and the reasons you decided to help her. Right now, this is all about your friend, which it should not be.

I may have additional comments and suggestions as to how this essay can be improved after you post the prompt for it. So I will reserve my other statements till after i have read it :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Diesel, the TOEFL test is more than just a test of English language proficiency, it is also a test of how much you know about American and popular culture. As such, you must always use information in your essay that is common knowledge or easily known to people. That shows that you are not just a bookish student but also a student of life. That is why I was advising you to use an example of a current event that most people can identify with.


- The problem with that example is that it uses a medical situation that not everyone can relate to. As such, it lessens its effectiveness in the overall impact of your essay. Do not assume that all your readers will be familiar with medical science news. In such instances, it could adversely affect your rating. Try to go with examples that people can understand such as fixing a leaking faucet immediately instead of thinking of how to best fix the leak so that the leak turns into an exploded water pipe. Or something like that. The reader needs to be able to easily understand your examples in order for it to be effective in supporting your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : what is the impact of technology on the frequency of face-to-face communication? [4]

Kim, I have some comments and suggestions for you below. Please consider these as you revise the essay :-)


- The debate regarding the demise of face to face conversations has become more urgent due to the increasing use of technology to communicate. Some sectors believe that the internet and mobile phones will become the de-facto communication standards of the future, causing the demise of personal communication. Others believe that there will always be a place for face to face communication regardless of the available communication technology. I believe that communicating via technology will cause the loss of face to communication for a number of reasons. This essay will discuss all the sides of the issue and leave the final opinion on the topic to the reader.


- Others will say that there is no denying the fact that traditional face to face communication seems to be dying with the emergence of communication technology. There are still people who prefer the old school, face to face communication method. Mostly because face to face communication allows people to read beyond the written word. The tone of voice, the body movements, the eye contact, gestures, everything that takes place during face to face communication helps to deliver the clear message of the words being spoken.There is no second guessing it. There is no need for emoji's or emiticons to create a sense of mood as usually happens with text messages. This is what makes traditional communication significant when compared to technology based conversations.


- However, with every technological advancement, the need for physical face to face conversations is decreased. The face to face part is being further enhanced by technology such as video calling, VOIP, and other emerging video and voice based technologies which have the ability to overtake and enhance physical face to face talk time. Time and distance are no longer an i]ssue for face time communication as it is with physical face time conversations. Virtual communication has shrunk the world without our realizing itThe way we communicate and do business across the seas has forever been changed by communication technologies.


- This was compressed into the previous paragraph.

Your conclusion is good an requires no comment or revision in my opinion :-)