Writing Feedback / I think, no one can't live these days without a mobile phone and a computer. [4]

rokajo, before I comment on your essay as a whole, I feel that you need to be informed about how we review essays here. You need to provide us with the essay prompt, the question that was provided to you either for the TOEFL, IELTS, GRE, or university essay app. That question will be the basis for the way we review your essay for content and adherence to the prompt requirements. I advise you to post the essay prompt in full this thread so that we can properly review your paper. In the meantime, I can offer an overview of your paper, without correcting grammar errors at the moment, because the content of your essay may change once we find out what the prompt is and we make suggestions regarding how to align your answer with the prompt.

In an academic essay, you are supposed to provide an introduction to the discussion that poses the question asked, the kind of discussion that will be found in the paper, and your thesis statement or point of view. This will normally cover around 3 sentences. You need to inform us if the opinions that will be stated are solely coming from your point of view or if you will be making reference to other people's opinion or reading material. That is to provide continuity and to allow the reader to know when to expect changes in the paper.

- The reasons you provide are too shallow to defend the stand that nobody can live without a mobile phone or computer these days. Remember, there is a growing movement that advocated not using your gadgets on weekends so that your body can rest and recharge. These people live without phones and computers for a few days or even more. Try to find a stronger reason that you can validate with evidence.


- Try to use only one reason at a time and be sure to fully develop your reason for credibility sake. Do not offer 6 half discussed reasons and then leave it at that. You weaken your essay that way and risk getting very low grades in the process.

I'll save the rest of my comments, opinions, and suggestions until after you have revised the paper. That is, if you choose to do so :-)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

middya, I have some points for you to consider in revising the content of your essay. I believe it will better strengthen your application if you should choose to add my suggestions :-)


- Be more specific about the school of engineering information. How were you attracted to this school in particular out of all the choices that you had in your list? Can you describe the one thing that makes this school unique in your opinion that aligned with what you were looking for in an engineering school? Give us an overview in the introduction.


- How do you plan to fully utilize the educational offerings of the school? Does it offer any internship programs you hope to participate in? Why do you think you will be a fit for those programs? Whom among the professors at the university are you familiar with and why do you look forward to learning from him or her? You need to fully develop your statement in this part since you already speak of the academic advantage of your choice.


- What are your characteristics that you feel will help you succeed under the "Whole Brain" teaching concept? You need to detail that information in order to show your unique qualities that will help you as a student at the university.


- You should avoid any reference to any tradition or culture that the admission officer will not understand upon immediate reading. Having to explain the tradition to him will deviate from the essay prompt. So rethink this paragraph and try to use a thought that is more easily understood by the reader.

Undergraduate / What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military? [8]

America, I have some further points for paragraph discussion and development pointed out below. Don't worry about any word count at the moment, we can cut it down once we are sure that the content of the essay answers the prompt.


- You talk about the cost of freedom not being free. What is the cost of freedom then? In your opinion, what kind of payment for freedom can a person give in exchange for freedom? Work on an answer gearing towards service to the country in defense of freedom in order to create a motivational answer within your introduction. Make sure it relates to your motivation to enroll in the service academy.

- It would be best to combine the visit to the Flight 93 shrine and the Boston Bombings. Scale back on 9/11 a bit because you were too young to remember anything and thus, can't really have a full understanding of the events other than what the history books tell you. Concentrate on the latest act of terrorism that took place at the Boston Marathon instead. You speak of naturalized American citizens, can I assume that you are not a citizen by birth of the United States as well? If you are not, if you are a naturalized citizen or an immigrant, offer a strong point of view about freedom in the United States and how you have come to understand and wish to defend the freedom given to you by the country that trusts you to become American by defending its sovereignty and keeping all its citizens safe more than anything else.


- What motivates you to want to become a military officer? How can the service academy help you achieve those goals?

- Do not provide any information that is not being asked for by the prompt. The admission officer only wants to read about your reasons for being admitted into the service academy and what you military plans are. This is a civilian plan and therefore has no place in a military plan essay.

Undergraduate / What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military? [8]


- Always write this as the date 9/11. 911 is the emergency services hotline. Correct all references to 9/11 in the essay to reflect the tragedy and not the emergency number.


- These were the catalyst events that led to your decision to enroll in service academy. However, you have not made clear the reasons behind your desire to enroll. How did you feel about these events? How does it relate to your motivation for enrollment in the service academy? Those are the questions that you need to provide answers to. You need to cut down your samples to mere mentions since people are highly familiar with these events.


- How do you plan to help these modern heroes? What are your future goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Graduate / Information Systems Essay with prompt [10]

Speedbiker, with your permission, I will step in now and try to help you edit the paper in such a manner that the word count will continue to go down so that you can allot more words to important essay parts.

- During my college years, I invested $983 in my start up company called "The Hive Network", an online platform showcasing the arts and literature of Hyderabad. Unfortunately, I was unable to monetize the popularity of my 5000 contributor large website. With its over 50,000 page hits a month, we were reduced to a defunct Facebook page within 2 years. Somehow, my knack for technology did not come with a knack for business. Prior to the start of my senior year, I made the conscious decision to try and save my floundering business instead of working harder on my academic career. This was a decision that I would some to regret as my grades reflected the slew of bad decisions I made in my life.


- With an average GPA of 7.8 during my last two semesters, it became very obvious that I was not a businessman. Technology was my thing ever since I set up m first virtual server from scratch and managed Cloud services at the age of 19. That is why I made another conscious decision regarding my masters studies. I am good with technology so I should specialize in that. More specifically, I should concentrate on furthering my Information Systems know how with a masters degree. I already started the ball rolling towards that by working at the Information Services department of Tata Consultancy Services in order to strengthen my technical skills alongside the business requirements of the company. It was this exposure that opened my eyes to the fact that I need an MS in Information Systems if I want to remain competitive in the job market.


- Merge your answers to these two prompts in one paragraph since they are connected prompts.
I cut the essay down to 354. You have room to discuss your goals nowDoes it work for you? If it does, feel free to use it in its totality :)

Undergraduate / When I first came to Boston, Tufts wasn't more to me than an option out of a list of possibilities. [7]


- Danah, let me see if I can clean this up for you. Feel free to use my version if you think it is something you can use :-)

I chose to attend Tufts because of its status as one of the top medical schools in the country. Since I plan to complete a medical degree,ultimately earning my Phd in Nuerosurgery, I need to enter the best school possible. Completing medical school is hard enough, add my ambition to obtain a Phd and it becomes an almost impossible dream. But I am confident in the knowledge that Tufts will best prepare me for the rough and demanding road ahead of me. After all, Jumbo the Mascot welcomed me with open arms and a place to call my academic home.

This is exactly 100 words.

Graduate / Information Systems Essay with prompt [10]


- Yes. I believe this is a masters application right? So you can definitely skip the information about your past academic life. Masters essays look more towards your future accomplishments rather than previous accomplishments.


- Yes. You can play with the conclusion/summary. This is not an academic essay so the restatement of the prompt, summary of facts, and point of view emphasis rules do not apply.


- Try to trim this portion down. Analyze if you can totally skip this or if it is relevant to your application and just needs to be whittled down some more. The decision is yours to make :-)

Undergraduate / Caltech- "What are some quirky ways in which you have fun" [5]

Martin, there is nothing in the statement that tells me you are playing a game. It is almost like reading the middle of a creative writing assignment instead. So you need to revise the essay. Make sure that the reader will know right from the start that you are describing a game and that this is how you have quirky fun in your life. After you clarify the objective of the game and how it is played, then you can give a short example of how the game may end.It would be nice if you could also give a quick description of why and how you developed the game. It is always interesting to find out how the creative mind of a game-maker works. This is your opportunity to show Caltech how deep your analytical thinks and how precise your mind works when it comes to developing logical conclusion to complex scientific problems. I don't believe that we should cut out any words right now because the essay requires a total content revision. The word count will change once you do that. We can shave off some words after your statement finally meets the prompt.Good luck with your revision. I look forward to reading it. That is, if you actually decide to revise your statement :-)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

If you provide us with the essay prompt, we can advise you about the content. In general though, you should be researching the qualifications that the university is looking for in a student and make sure that you can meet the requirements. Then look up some notable graduates of the school. Pick out the ones who are related to your chosen major so that you can relate to them as image models or inspiring personalities. Note any of your academic achievements that may draw their attention to your application. Work that into the essay as well.

After you do that, you can begin to draft an essay that integrates your own personal traits with the research that you did. Drawing inspiration from the graduates as you explain the reason why you chose to attend NU. Then create a forward thinking plan for yourself that shows how attending NU will be beneficial not only to you, but to the university as well. Close it with a statement that reiterates your desire to be mentored by the academic faculty of the school. Speak of any internship or mentor programs that the university has that you hope to become a part of in preparation for your future career.

Undergraduate / When I first came to Boston, Tufts wasn't more to me than an option out of a list of possibilities. [7]

- Danah, you are not really answering the prompt in this case. "Why Tufts?" means, what made Tufts your university of choice? Don't speak about transferring schools or Tufts simply being a choice among many possibilities. Instead, discuss the medical program as the fact that enticed you to choose Tufts. If Jumbo's tale resonated within you, quickly mention why so that the admission officer will know what you mean by his courageous tale. Don't waste your precious word count on fillers. Use the words to beef up your application and present you as a good candidate for admittance to the school.

Letters / I believe we will be friends - letter about me to my future roommate [3]

Your note to your roommate should be less formal and more welcoming. In the letters like these that I have assisted other students in writing before, an emphasis was always placed on the way that the two of you should have open communication and always be meeting to meet each other halfway, even when you do not agree with your roommate. One of the important aspects of this letter should be a promise from you to work with your roommate in order to have a cordial and friendly relationship, reminding your roommate that you also expect the same from him or her.

It is important that the note detail the kind of eccentricities you may have as a person so as to forewarn your future roommate about any behaviors or traits that he or she may find odd. Explain why you do certain things beforehand, that includes letting your room mate know of any potential allergies you might have so that he or she can deal with it in case of an emergency.

Don't forget to let your roommate know about your pet peeves and the hard "no's" or non negotiable things while living with each other. You know, things like, "don't take my food from the fridge without letting me know first." and the like.

Let your roommate know that you are open to having new adventures with him or her. Signify and intention to be the sibling that the person never had as a sign of the kind of close relationship that you wish to have with him or her. Be willing to introduce your world and customs to him or her if he or she finds it of interest. Then explain that you would also be willing to learn more about your person as the semester progresses in whatever way he or she may want to bond with you. In the end remind your roommate that you will both have to make big adjustments and that your lives together might be rocky due to your differences as individuals. Recognize the fact that the two of you will have to live with each other all semester long so the least that the two of you can do is learn how to get along with each other.

By laying out these guidelines, the system might be able to pair you up with a roommate that is most compatible with you.

Writing Feedback / "Norouz" - it would be a beautiful celebration for all nations in the world; TOEFL essay [2]

Hamed, sorry I missed this essay. Is it too late for me to give my review and suggestions? I'll try anyway :-)

- The custom of a nation is something that immigrants take with them to their new country in an effort to preserve their past heritage. That is why customs these days have become adaptable in other countries and somehow finds itself becoming a part of the new world traditions. My country also has a number of customs that I believe are important to our culture and traditions and must be celebrated. However, none of these customs and traditions can be more important than the "Norouz", our cleansing and celebration of the New Year during the Spring season.

- Our five thousand year old Iranian belief in "Norouz" comes from the belief that springtime must be celebrate by welcoming new things into a person's life. It our way of cleansing ourselves, our spirit, and our homes. It is the perfect time to make amends with enemies and give forgiveness when asked. Being a celebration based on the belief of bringing peace and harmony into personal lives, families, and friendships, I believe that this is a custom that other countries should adapt for themselves as well.

- "Norouz" is the time of the year when people can actually make peace with one another by making time to be with others and just talking, sorting out our differences in the process and coming to an agreement that can bring peace to all concerned. It is because of the "peace" factor that I believe the whole world would benefit from celebrating this particular custom of ours. As a universal custom, it would help bring peace to the most war torn nation and help countries recover from failures through the help of their neighboring countries. What better time to enact such important changes in the world? The "Norouz" welcomes peaceful change during the spring, when even nature itself is experiencing a rebirth after being lifeless and emotionless all winter long.

- Hamed,you need to learn to talk in a more dignified manner. Use language befitting an incoming college freshman. Do not be so relaxed when writing TOEFL essays. That shows a lack of respect for the exam and, if done in school papers, a lack of respect for the professor and the subject he teaches.

Graduate / Information Systems Essay with prompt [10]

Speedbiker, your current word count clocks in at 643. That is still 143 words over the normal limit for a masters application essay. A normal application essay is only 500 words long (maximum) and uses double spacing. So we still need to cut back on the wordiness of your essay. It is important to cut back on the words because the admission officer will not be interested in reading a short story length essay of your accomplishments. He has over a thousand essays to read so he needs to get through your paper quickly. summarize as much as possible and only go into lengthy paragraphs when you are discussing an important accomplishment.

That said, I have to commend you for using a very impressive hook at the beginning of your statement. Talking about your endeavor truly builds the image of a go-getter, never say die, don't give up, and keep trying person that any university will be glad to have for a student. Do you think you can shorten it a bit more though and integrate your grades discussion into it as well? We should try to achieve only 10 paragraphs maximum covering only 2 pages, double spaced. That means you can only write 5 paragraphs per page. As for the sentence number per paragraph, try not to go over 10 if possible. I am not sure where you would want to tweak the essay so I will leave the editing up to you for now. I don't dare make any suggestions as you may something else in mind for your editing.

So that is the stage we are at at the moment. We need to compress the information in your essay in order to make it more effective by summarizing the important aspects and less time consuming to read by writing more informative sentences that use lesser words. Don't beat around the bush, always talk directly to the point. It will be a great help towards shortening the essay. If you find yourself stuck in the editing portion, if you can't figure out what to delete, let me and the others here know so that we can offer suggestions as to which parts we think you can cut or shorten.

Writing Feedback / My Castle - it all started from one brick. This is the place I feel comfortable in. [2]

KM, I can see that you are trying to go for an abstract description of the place where you feel comfortable in. Unfortunately, the creative writing method fails because you have divided the essay into years rather than simply giving us an abstract description of a single place in time. If you want to discuss your body as your castle and thus, the place where you feel most comfortable in, then do so. Concentrate on discussing your body in the abstract manner that you have started. Don't confuse the reader with the laying of bricks and other actions that take away from the focus of your body being your castle. You do not want the reader, the admission officer to be specific, to get confused about where you really feel comfortable and why. You need to focus your essay on only place and then develop all of your discussion and explanations around that particular place. right now, the essay tends to get lost in translation and the reader can lose his place because of the structure of the essay. Try to concentrate on that moment when you felt your body was your castle and discuss why that is so. It does not help your essay in any way to talk about the physical castle you were trying to build because that was not really the place that you felt comfortable in. It just takes up space on the page but does not help your narrative along.

Undergraduate / Beyond rankings, location, and athletics, why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech? [8]

If you have not paid a physical visit to the school it will definitely be hard to discuss the social life and the kind of students that can be found at Georgia Tech. I actually did a Google search using the keywords "What is social life like at Georgia Tech" and came up with a number of insightful articles and blogs written by students who either visited the campus or are students at Georgia. You may want to run the same keywords through Google so that you can do your own research. It was quite informative and I believe it can help you develop an essay that will answer the prompt requirements. Sites such as "Student Review", "College Confidential", and even Yelp were quite informative with regards to the campus description and student activities available. These websites just may point you in the right direction.

Now, about your major, since you already know what major you want to go into, but have not decided on the specific field yet, then you can write about your interest in studying at Georgia from a general academic point of view. Talk about general subjects rather than majors and concentrate on the the fact that you feel that the university offers you the best options for learning. You can insert the portion about Problem Based Learning and Flipped Classroom here, Just make sure you discuss how these teaching methods apply to you as a learner.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is better to wait in patience than take action. [13]

Diesel, can you please provide us with the actual prompt for this essay so that the basis of your response can be properly reviewed? Considering that this is a TOEFL and not a GRE essay I believe that your examples and discussion are too complex to be written an thoroughly discussed within 30 minutes. Normally, a TOEFL essay asks you to use personal experience of your readings as source material for the essay. In this case, the discussion is world-wide in scope and thus, cannot be accurately discussed within 30 minutes. I believe that your paper will benefit from a revision based upon something closer to home. Perhaps your experience with the results of waiting patiently instead of taking action during a particular time in your life. Discussing your personal reasons for your action and the resulting outcome could help create a more identifiable essay. Identifiable in the sense that your reasoning will appeal to the logic and common sense of the reader. This will make your essay easier to understand and give your opinion more credibility as opposed to discussing world related reasons that most people may not identify with or understand very well. You don't want your true opinion and point of view lost in the essay. I'd gladly help you with the revised essay if you choose to do so. However, my opinion and advice may very well change depending upon what I read in the essay prompt once you post it :-)

Writing Feedback / Mahatma Gandhi, is the most important spiritual guide in contemporary world; important world leader [4]

Mary, it is important that you first introduce your reader to Mahatma Gandhi because not everyone is familiar with him and his work during the move of India to gain independence from Britain. You must ease the reader into this essay by giving an overview of how he is viewed historically and also, you need to give concrete examples of Gandhi's work that you feel adequately promotes him as an important world leader. You can do this by explaining how he developed his idea about non-violent protests and its effectiveness in the cause of India's moves towards independence.

Remember that in order to prove his importance during this notable period of India's history, you also need to present the side that he fought against. Describe how he overcame adversity and political pressure in order to help India emerge victorious. By presenting all of the facts relating to the life and times of Mahatma Ghandi, you will be able to successfully defend why you choice him to be the focal point of your essay.

Graduate / Why OT as a career? Long term goals? Personal, education and professional background. [4]

Kim, the biggest problem of your essay is the word count. An application essay should never be more than 500 words. Anything over that and you will have a very wordy essay that an admission officer will not take the time to read to the very end. So the best advice that I feel I can give you at this time is to have you review the content of your essay using this process:

1. Outline the requirements of the essay based upon the prompts provided
2. List down the top 5 reasons you chose this career. Whittle it down to the top 2 then the top 1.
3. List down the top 5 ways that completing this degree relates to your future goals. Choose the top 2 but use only the top 1.
4. Choose the top personal, educational and professional background accomplishments from your list of 5 (per topic). Choose the best accomplishment from each field and use that in the essay.

You don't need to present a very wordy essay nor a very detailed essay to the admission officer. He has other sources for information from you such as your transcript and other detailed essays for your application. So you can always keep your essays short but informative. By choosing only the top answers that apply to the prompts, you will be able to present a short but detailed presentation of who you are as a person. Most importantly, you are sure that the admission officer will read it to the end. Try to stay within or below the 500 word limit so that you won't lose the interest of your reader. Do not forget the all important hook in the first paragraph that will pull the attention of the officer to the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / Feeling different and misfit in the family. (UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA ESSAY PROMPT 1) [5]

CaptainCook, feel free to use my corrections and suggestions. Don't forget to double check the essay for the tense problems :-)


- ... Living in a multicultural society with a language barrier setting us apart made it harder for me to blend in. That is why I continued to be trapped the "I am different and I do not belong here" mindset.


- I continued to distance myself from my peers because I felt it was easier to live in my bubble than have to face people who I knew would not understand me. Somehow I felt like I always needed to be right and everyone else had to be wrong, so rather than stir up trouble, I chose to be alone.


- That is why I did not progress with my social growth for a period of time. As I observed other people around me, it seemed like they were always ahead of me because they chose to step out of their comfort zones. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this was the reason why they seemed to learned more things everyday while I stagnated. Finally coming to my senses I decided to "pop my bubble" and try to socialize more in an effort to learn from my peers. Even though I felt uncomfortable at first, I learned that there were things that I could do to blend in. Simple things like learning a few Mandarin and Tamil phrases I could speak to the Chinese and Indians in my community helped to bring me out of my shell.


- My life got better with each day that I opened myself up to people. I began to excel in my studies, made new friends, and learned how to get along with other cultures. At the age of 16, my efforts to help myself improve socially and academically paid off. I was selected as the representative of my country to a knowledge exchange program in Melbourne, Australia. That is a highlight of my life that would not have been possible if I continued to live in my shell and stunt my academic and mental growth.


- That experience in my life taught me that discomfort comes with progress. Being uncomfortable is necessary in order to create and accept change. Progress cannot occur if change is not openly embraced. It is because I am now able to openly embrace change and understand the lessons that it offers that I hope to become an even better version of myself in the future through the help of my exposure to a new world at your university.

Undergraduate / Beyond rankings, location, and athletics, why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech? [8]

I can understand how hard it can be for an incoming freshman to decide upon a major so early in the application process. Universities require that because students normally have a major chosen prior to their college applications being sent out. I suggest that you choose a course from their listing to major in that you are familiar with, and have the credentials to apply for just so that you can fulfill that part of the requirement. You can always shift majors or drop subjects once the semester starts. In the meantime, try to talk in general about the reasons why you want to apply to college. Once you have a general idea regarding that, you can write the essay based upon those reasons only instead of talking about college in general, replace the word college with Georgia Tech. Once you have done that, you can post the essay here and we can help you clean it up or develop it to answer the prompt some more :-)

Undergraduate / Feeling different and misfit in the family. (UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA ESSAY PROMPT 1) [5]


You should use that as the opening sentence of your paragraph. It has a strong implication towards the content of the paragraph and establishes how you felt about your family and academic life early on. Restructure the introduction to center around that mindset. Placing particular attention to the pressure placed on you as an only son. What is this legacy that your family expects you to carry on? Explaining that will give us a reason to understand why you chose to go to boarding school.


Why did you decide to not be open socially? Why was it more comfortable for you to be in the bubble? When you mention things like these, you should provide a simple analysis of the reasons that led up to these decisions. Why did everyone seem to be ahead of you at the time? Develop those ideas before you introduce the stepping out of the box transition.


Explain to us what you meant by stepping out of the box and how you approached doing that. Why were you constantly doubting yourself? Let us into your world. Give us an insight. Don't leave the reader hanging, wondering about why you said those things. What research was done on Phillip Island? Why did you choose to join the group? There are a lot of questions left open in this paragraph that you need to plug.


This is a strong closing statement. So we need to strengthen the earlier parts as well. Don't worry about the word count or grammar errors for now. Just express yourself and we will work on the revisions later. The important work that has to be done now is creating a solid message or narration within the essay. Everything else will fall into place after that :-)

Writing Feedback / Too much attention on small things! [4]


Vns, you can add more to this introduction so that you can strengthen your opinion on the matter. Remember the rules of essay writing? Your introduction should contain a restate prompt, overview of your discussion, and finally your opinion. You already have a strong opinion, so you just need to add more to it :-) Don't forget to openly agree or disagree prior to stating your opinion.


Essays are more effective when the sentence does not start with a bunch of filler words. Also, you want to say "First and foremost", not "First and uppermost". Let us know if this point of view is part of your point of view on the matter or if you are referring to the general opinion on the issue. That way we know how to take or understand what is being said.


You can better open this sentence by saying "However" to show that this paragraph has an opposing stance.


You are stating a new idea that is based upon your personal opinion. Therefore you cannot use this as a closing or concluding paragraph. Essay rules dictate that no new ideas may be presented at the conclusion. So write a separate paragraph and made your opinion stronger using examples from your personal experience or other reading materials. After that, you can write a concluding paragraph :-)

Undergraduate / The most powerful thing you can do is make someone think what you think. Personal Statement for JMU [2]

nassimnina, it would really help if you provided the essay prompt so that we can get a better idea of what the paper is about and in the process, analyze how you answer is suited or not to the requirements posed. As of now, the essay is running in one of two modes. confused or spinning its wheels with pointless redundancies. Your arguments run from points of view to an analysis of other opinions without really telling the reader what the whole purpose of writing this paper is. That is why the essence of the paper seems quite confused and pointless at the moment. Providing us with the essay prompt will help us to guide you towards developing your current answers in line with the expectations of the essay prompt. At this point, it will really not serve a purpose to criticize your grammar and punctuation problems. Once the essence of your response is not clear, it fails to answer the prompt and thus, does not serve the purpose it was meant to in your application. We will be able to offer you a better review of your paper once we are clear on the prompt expectations so we hope you can upload it soon :-)

Undergraduate / "My passion for creating"; what attracts you specifically to your field of study? [3]

Maria, you have presented an essay that answers the prompt in great detail. You should give yourself a pat on the back for that accomplishment :-) The essay just needs to be polished at this point by correcting certain grammatical errors and tightening the paragraphs so that it will be very concise and easy for the admission officer to read. I will revise the paragraphs whenever possible in order to shorten the essay even further. Remember, you don't need to hit the maximum word count to be interesting. The more you say with less words, the more effective your response will be. Right now you have 299 words. I was able to reduce it to 235 words without deleting any important aspect of your essay. I also aligned the answer to better suit the prompt provided by Columbia.


-I was greatly influenced by the time I spent with my uncle who is an electrical engineer. Ever since he gave me my first set of Lego bricks and encouraged me to be more than just curious about engineering. He enticed me to get creative and build things with my bricks. I was hooked on becoming an engineer after I build my first Lego car. From them on I would sit for hours at my work table, building immobile and mobile models of cars and robots, dreaming of what I could make them do without limitations. My uncle was always there to cheer me on and feed my curiosity with answers to my questions until he passed away.


- My interest in electrical engineering did not wane with my uncle's death. Instead, it built a stronger fascination within me, While in high school, I found myself dawn to the world of robotics because it allowed me to work with real nuts, bolts, and circuits the way my uncle did. Even though it took me a while to learn how to program the robots, perseverance helped me achieve a great sense of satisfaction when I finally developed a working design from scratch.


- In preparation for my college courses, I enrolled in Computer Math this year as part of my AP studies. I feel that this course will best prepare me for my future classes in Engineering at Columbia University.

Undergraduate / I was born and raised on the island Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa - Introducing to my online class [5]

Then I suggest that you make mention of the reasons why you chose to major in criminal justice within your introduction. Your professor has no idea about why most of your chose to major in certain courses and this would help him get an idea of who you are and where you are coming from. I assume that this introduction is for a major class in criminology? If so, explain your point of view about the current state of the criminal justice system and how you hope to improve it in the future. Letting your professor and classmates know your ambitions in life will help create a connection between you and them in a virtual world. You can actually drop the part about your cousins in the NFL and try to gear the introduction more towards introducing your personality and class expectations. Talk about what you look forward to learning in the class and how you hope to be able to help your classmates if possible. Doing so should create a stronger introduction for yourself. Remember, in an online class, you need to make yourself sound interesting and eager to learn. Point out a reason or two about why you chose to enroll online rather than in a traditional university. After all, most criminal justice students prefer a face to face interaction and class discussion because of the real world requirements of the course :-)

Undergraduate / What if something stark and bold shaped my personality? How brutally honest can I be with my essay? [4]

Pallavid, admission officers are always looking for those exceptional students who have managed to overcome obstacles and adversity in life. If you feel that this particular incident / event in your life helps you to fall into that criteria then use it with caution. However, you should also consider what the essay prompt is and reflect upon whether this is really something that you would be comfortable letting complete strangers (from the admission officer to the admissions committee) know about you. Remember, you are dealing with mature subject matter that could backfire in your application if presented without great care and consideration. So if I were you, I would outline the essay first and choose the points that I would feel comfortable with disclosing in public. After that, I would draft the essay and have someone who is familiar with what happened to me, and is supportive of me read the essay and ask them if they feel that I have carefully presented my situation and the lessons I learned from it. If the answer is yes, then go ahead and submit it. If not, adjust the way you are telling the story until you get it just the way you like it.

Think of it this way, if you would feel uncomfortable posting the essay here for our review and comments, you still need to work on the content, theme, and presentation of the essay. The minute you feel like you can have strangers read your paper and still feel good about it, then you have the paper right where you want and need it to be. You don't need to be brutally honest in your essay. you can use metaphors in order to tell your story if you wish. The method by which you share your quest is a decision only you can make. So choose wisely and carefully. Remember, you have your future riding on that essay so you should not take any chances in writing it. If you feel it will catch the admissions officer's attention and totally satisfy the required prompts then go ahead and write about it :-)

Undergraduate / I was born and raised on the island Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa - Introducing to my online class [5]

Sivea, let me help you clean this up :-) It can actually be tighter and shorter than it actually is.It is important to keep the introductions short in an online class otherwise you will lose your audience.


- Hi everyone,
I am Sivea Mata'u, a native of Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa. My two brothers, sisters, and I lost our mother on April 24, 2002. I was only 12 at the time but that change in our family unit sparked a change in our family life. We moved to Oxnard , California a month after her death. I completed my lower education requirements there prior to moving to Eureka, California with my family members. As you can tell, I love to spend time with my family and sports, mainly football, has had the strongest impact on our relationship because my cousins play for the NFL. I'm really looking forward to spending time with you guys and learning from each other as we complete our Bachelor's Degree here at Strayer University.

Some points for clarification that need to be mentioned in your essay:
1. Why did you just decide to complete your bachelor's degree now?
2. What degree are you aiming to major in?

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

Hc, your essay has improved remarkably. I found some portions that needed revising though. I have included my thoughts on some points that I felt needed clarification as well.


- It was he who opened...


- ... I have yearned...


- I connected with my...


- Upon graduation from Parsons,


- How exactly did you end up talking about teaching when you were supposed to be talking about your visions for your future plans after Parsons? This would be more acceptable if you said something along the lines of "After graduating from Parsons, I hope to be able to share my knowledge about interpersonal communications through the arts by teaching children about the power of non-verbal communication through arts."

One more revision and this should be ready to submit :-)

Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]

Moreover, I teach english, and sometimes other lessons, to those labor children. They are not normal children; therefore, I am not an ordinary teacher; they have lots of psychological issues which should be considered while you interact with them. Teaching them something, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. If we do not stand up for them, who is going to? Who is going to tell them that they have a value in this world, just like all other so-called "fortunate" children?

- This is the cause that is important to you. It illustrates who you are and why this cause is important to you. I suggest that you delete all other portions of your essay and develop this idea, this important activity within 100 words. This is the answer to the prompt. All you need to do is describe how this activity embodies who you are and why doing this is important to you.

Writing Feedback / I was only thirteen at the time but old enough to understand that Leukemia was cancerous; UC essay [4]

Teeddy, you have presented a very touching story that reveals an important character maturing experience in your life. However, there is a problem with the essay as you have it in its current form. too much time is spent discussing your family and the illness of your brother which took away from the discussion and analysis of your character growth and development. I believe that you should read over the essay and consider the portions that you can either shorten or delete so that you can develop your response to this family tragedy instead. I would do it for you but I should give you a chance to edit the essay to your liking first. After all, this is your story and only you would know now to truly shorten it by deleting certain aspects. Concentrate more on discussing how the illness affected you. How did you react? How were you of help to your family and your brother? What did this event inspire you to do? By discussing those aspects, you will be able to show us why you are proud of your accomplishments and how your actions have helped you develop into a better person, son, and family member. After discussing all of those points, you will have created an essay that adheres to the guide questions that were provided in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages and disadvantages of traveling by air? [5]

Kristy, I would give this essay a C because of the lack of proper essay formatting and haphazard discussion presented within the essay. You do not follow the Introduction, Body, Conclusion (IBC) rules of essay writing and you did not really work on properly developing your reasons in an academic manner. The reasons that you present are also very shallow and lack clarity. A sample of a problem statement of yours is as follows:


You can do the same thing by car. You should have instead said "We can travel to another country in a few hours", which is something that cannot be done by car.


This is an exaggeration. Who is spending millions to travel these days? It may amount into the thousands or hundreds of thousands, but no person will spend a million in travel tickets. That kind of airplane bill comes from traveling all over the world in a private jet. Even then it may still be an exaggeration. Be truthful with all your statements. Do not say something just for dramatic effect. That ruins the possibility of getting a good essay grade.


This conclusion needs more work. An effective conclusion will restate your essay prompt, your point of view and summarize the facts that you presented.
I hate to say it Kristy but you need to rewrite the essay in totality if you want to get a better grade on this. Take the essay seriously and do some research and try to present yourself academically. Right now the essay sounds like you just wanted to get it over with so you just wrote anything that came to mind or whatever you heard from others. That does not paint you in a good light as a student.

Writing Feedback / The first and foremost consideration is to be able obtain a stable job, satisfaction would be next.. [2]


- William, you forgot to introduce the topic statement prior to entering your full discussion. Without the topic statement, your thesis does not make any sense. Kindly insert the topic statement for clarity in the introduction. You must also present your opinion as part of the introductory statement so that we will have an idea of what the slant of the essay discussion will be.


- Using the words "To begin with" and "Firstly" does not instill confidence in this paper as an academically balanced piece of research. Try to avoid these word fillers by going direct to the point and discussing the main topic of the paragraph beginning with the first sentence, without any fillers.


- These are common reasons for job security. Try to use some new ideas that will give your essay a fresher outlook on the issue. Do a little research on the topic and use the most recent reasons for job security over job satisfaction in order to create a better and more up to date discussion.


- So which do you think is more important? Job security or job satisfaction? You did not make that clear. Present your reasons and evidence to support your choice.


- Do a recap of the reasons why job satisfaction is more important in order to properly close your essay.

Undergraduate / If I could continue with any of my activities, I would continue coaching gymnastics. [2]

- guerinm, I deleted the last portion of your response because it is not related to the prompt and should therefore not be included in the discussion. Do not deviate from the prompt. Develop the discussion only from the point of view of continuing to do one of the activities in your common app list. Don't keep referring to your career choice and the reason you chose to enroll at this university because it is not required information.

- ... corrections I gave my students.

Writing Feedback / The value of plans. Toefl exam. [6]

- Adam, you need to fix your introduction because it does not contain a restated thesis. While you present a very good overview of the topic to be discussed and you present your opinion on the matter quite clearly, you still need to let the people know what the basis of the topic is by presenting the essay prompt.

- Clearly you have forgotten that when discussing an opinion paper, you need to present the opposing view in the first paragraph and then contradict it using your opinion on the matter. I suggest you do so in order to strengthen your position on the matter.

- Adam, I suggest that you present a comparison at this point in order to prove that knowing how to plan and making plans is an essential skill that young people need these days. Compare the kids who do not make plans to those who make plans. Show whose lives are better organized and well functioning and why.This will be the example that is necessary to support your stance on the matter. You also need to write a concluding statement for your essay.

Adam, your essay needs a lot of work before it can even be ready for grammar editing. Try to fix the content using my suggestions. It just may help you :-)

Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]

Sa1na, you only have 100 words to state your case and you are wasting it using fillers. You need to go direct to the point. If the activity is teaching others to speak in English, then say so right from the start. You don't need to get flowery with your statement. Directness is the only way your comment will make an impression on the admission officer.


- Why are you talking about something that you have not yet done? The essay is asking you to describe who you are using an activity that is important to you. If you are already teaching students to speak in English and you consider it important, then discuss that and explain why it is important to you. Right now, your essay is not answering the prompt because you are talking about something that you are not directly participating in yet so it cannot describe who you are as a person. You will need to revise this paper in totality.

Undergraduate / I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement [13]


- hp, let's see if I can help you polish this. The sentiment is good and feel free to take any of my ideas to use for your paper anytime :-)

Owing to all of the of the challenges that I have faced in my life in order to get to this point, I feel that I am well prepared for the academic and social challenges that Penn State will throw my way. I know what it is like to have to overcome opposition to my plans, I am even more familiar with the benefits of working with a team. I am looking forward to my academic success under the tutelage of the excellent mentors available to the students of the university. I am even more excited about the opportunity to widen my horizons as a person as I mingle and learn about varying cultures as represented within the student community. All of my previous experiences have prepared me for this moment in my life. I know that the perfect combination of my past, present, and future experiences will translate into my successful academic career at Penn State.

Does this work for you?

Undergraduate / 'the one thing I did enjoy was drawing' - School of Visual Arts-Statement of Intent. My vision. [11]

hc, I strongly advise that you drop the Aristotle quote and rework the story of your grandfather into the essay. Your essay should be along the lines of "I create Calligraphy by using long hand painted strokes on a white canvass. It is a Chinese form of artistic writing that has existed for centuries. I make calligraphy art because it reminds me very much of the power of art to create relationships among people who do not speak the same language. I create Calligraphy in memory of my grandfather, I create Calligraphy because I want to be able to communicate with people without using words." This is the line of reasoning that you must use in order to answer the question


After having read your completed essay, I can tell you that you have not satisfied the given prompts at all. You did not even try to answer the list of questions that I listed down for you to answer. Had you answered my questions, the design for you answer to the question


would have been completed and we would now just be working on the grammar issues and format finalization.
You need to answer my questions so that your essay answer will fall into the given prompt. You should learn to align your answer to the first question using my sample answer above. Once you have done that, post the new version in this thread so we can further help you clean it up :-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Parents should be more involved with their children's upbringing. [8]

handsome, when writing an introduction, you are allowed to present an overview of the topics that you will be discussing within the essay. So by presenting the essay in a manner that seems like i am already presenting a point of view, I am actually developing a solid thesis statement that will be followed up with a complete discussion and analysis within the body of the essay.

When presenting an introduction, you need to create an informative hook that will entice the readers to find out more about what you have to say. By promptly presenting your opinion, you immediately satisfy the direct prompt that indicates that you must


Your opinion then becomes the thesis statement of the essay, which is the last sentence or part of your introduction. So by immediately presenting my opinion within the first paragraph (introduction) the essay prompt was satisfied and the discussion about the topic was immediately started.

Graduate / Information Systems Essay with prompt [10]

Speedbiker, you can immediately cut down your word count by immediately giving your answer to the question "Why do you want to go into advanced studies? What is your goal ? What do you hope to achieve career-wise by completing this advanced course?" Show us the relationship between your past academic and professional achievements in such a way that the we will arrive at the conclusion that you need to enroll in advanced studies in order to promote your skills and career development. You don't need to summarize all your academic and professional information. Just show us the logical flow or progression of your career path. That is all you need to present in order to write an effective SOP.

In answer to your questions:


- No. You do not need to restate any information you have already presented or can be read by the admission officer in other sections of your application. He or she will take note of it based upon importance or impression of you in other areas.


- See my comment about immediately stating your purpose in the introduction of the essay. Then refer to my comment about summarizing your work and achievements. Those should help you lower the word count to a more comfortable 250-500 word count.


- You don't need to sound like a pretentious expert in your essay. In fact, it could harm your application if you get too technical in discussion with an admission officer who is not familiar with the theories and practical applications of your chosen major. So keeping it simple was a good move on your part.


- Since my advice to you requires a major revision of the content of your paper, I would rather hold off on revising any grammar problems until we have finalized the content of your paper. We need to nail the content first because if the admission officer will not bother to read your paper due to boredom or irritation, then correcting the grammar errors would have been a futile exercise.

Writing Feedback / Naturtint vs. Tom's of Maine - Compare and Contrast 2 advertisements [4]

behendrix, there are certain points within your essay that need to be clarified in order to create an image of yourself as having fully understood, analyzed, and researched the compare and contrast advertisement essay that you wrote. I am offering my comments and questions below.


- You need to mention certain aspects of both advertisements that made it very obvious that the products were targeting women. It could be anything from the color of the ad, the fashion being used, or the tag lines presented. Without this information, we wonder as to why you said that you were sure women were the target demographic of the advertisements.



- Build up to this statement that you made as a fact. What trends in advertising have led you to believe that "green" is the color of the moment and is an effective marketing tool for the companies? The rest of the paragraph will be more believable once you have laid a solid foundation for your claims.


- ... dyeing your hair...


- ... of the word natural, as used in the ad .


- The primary purpose of advertising is to sell the product by convincing people to buy the product, the legacy users, those who use the product continuously because they love it, are only 2nd in line in terms of advertising importance. Advertising is supposed to constantly attract new consumers to the product, You need to revise this portion of the paragraph.


- ... in terms of their effective use of marketing strategies .