Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Give opinions on teaching a foreign language in primary school years. [5]

Hi, there are some points that I don't agree with your argument

1. According to linguistics, children can learn up to 3 languages or more without falling into a state of confusion.

During my teaching time, students who started learning English at very young age perform better than adults in terms of vocabulary, reaction, memory ..... In fact, children do not have a lot of other things to care about and due to their psychology matter, they learn by playing and the amount of language input is small so they won't find it hard to excel in other languages.

2. Your benefits and drawbacks tend to conflict each other. One proposal in the disadvantage is to confuse with their mother tongue language, second is they learn in their fastest pace.

3. Culture is a very broad context and most of textbooks do not prepare such exposure for student to cope with in their future life.

Writing Feedback / GAP YEAR could be a huge asset if used for proper activities - IELTS [5]

@ERIC SUNG

Hi Sung: thanks for your comment. I think it kindda of short too but don't know how to add more ideas haha

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some famous athletes and entertainers earn millions of dollars every year. [4]

@ERIC SUNG

I've not been doing any TOELT writing recently but it seems that you've written the hooks.

The introduction is though not straight to the points so takes up many words.

The second and third paragraph seem irrelevant to me.

If I were you, I would develop the idea centering their hard-work, personal expenses (diet, clothes, media ...) to support the topic question

Writing Feedback / "Spending all your free time studying is not a good idea" What's your opinion? Write an essay. [6]

will help you broaden your knowledge = will broaden your horizons

Writing Feedback / Can we use animals for our personal benefit or this is unacceptable? [4]

Some individuals believe that human ...
... and security purposes other than this ...

One the one hand, those who (...) exploitation is a good practice might argue that all animals are living being they should also have ...

.., people whosupport utilization of animals mightsupport the idea that it ...

... animals should to not be exploited for ...

1. I suggest not to repeat words too many times (support, utilize), you might try to use synonyms (thetherasus might be a good source for that)

2. Focus on ",", those minors points can absolutely reduce your band score

3. Your choice of words and grammar are not complex enough to achieve band 7

4. I am dubious about whether your essay meets 250 words or not.

Sincerely,

Writing Feedback / Graduates should travel and work for a period of time instead of going directly to university [6]

@Minh Thi

According to + source will lower your overall score due to the fact that the examiners are not keen on this type of explanation. Your references which are used as examples has shortened room for your further and more persuasive ideas. I suggest that you develop the skeleton first, listing out how many ideas for each paragraph and types of back up you will employ to support your proposal.

Writing Feedback / Cooperation and competition are imperative and children should master both of these skills [3]

@Holt

Tks a lot bro. I really appreciate your help and thorough comments.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] CAMBRIDGE 12 - BAR CHART - PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES [5]

@Holt

Thank you Holt again for your kind comment.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TAKS 2] CAMBRIDGE 12 TEST 5 - INFORMATION SHARING [4]

@Holt

I got it

Thank you very much.

Writing Feedback / Purchasing other countries' products in the same place [3]

Since people are more available to buy the same products anywhere = able

- Goods are available to be bought but not people are available to buy.

- So I suggest "able" = the ability to do something

the culture around the world would interact with each other together. Not only does hte availability of various products progressing, but different kinds of culture have a chance to interact. = repetitive words

- I suggest expose to different cultures

For instance, every country has their own food culture = cuisine

I suggest some examples for body paragraph 1 so that it is more convincing

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] CAMBRIDGE 12 - BAR CHART - PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES [5]

Merged:

[IELTS TASK 1 - EDITED] IELTS CAMBRIDGE 12 - TEST 5 TASK 1

The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

I edited my writing according to your remark. So please help me with this new piece of writing HOLT

The bar chart compares men and women of different ages in Australia who exercised physically on a regular basic in 2010.

Overall, it is clear that the proportions of female who took part in some forms of workout is far higher among younger groups, while the oldest one is least likely to exercise. On the contrary, men are most active at their earliest ages and their interests towards such healthy activities increase as they get older.

Men aged 15-24 was the most active group as 52.8% of them did exercise regularly. In the next two decades, only 42.2% and 39.5 men paid interests in such activity, respectively. The figures rose gradually for men in their late-thirties to the 65 and over age group.

47.7% of women aged 15-24 spent time doing physical exercise. There was a steady increase in the number of women did these activities in the next 20 years. The figures for women aged 45-54 and 55-64 were almost the same, at about 53%. The oldest group was prone to other activities rather than doing exercises as the figures for this group was the lowest at 47.1%, which was virtually the same as 15-24 age group.

(198 words)

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Writing Feedback / Everyone should become vegetarian [6]

... a good health is always a large question for ...

- I suggest: a big question

It's so useful that (...) vegetarian and don't need to eat meat.

It's = it is

Don't = do not

Many researches showed that we will use less fat and ...

Use = consume

raw spinach providing all our nutritional needs is proved one ...

You use three verbs in one sentence which is very confusing

vegetarian diet (...) also makes the environment better.

How a vegetarian diet improves our environment?

our body will be lack of many nutrition

nutrition is an uncountable noun thus cannot be accompanied by many. Some is more appropriate

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Writing Feedback / Should a city try to preserve its old buildings or replace them with modern buildings? [4]

Some people belive architecure that ...How ever, I think we ...

This is not a complete sentence. "some people believe architecture" is subject, your relative clause modifies the subject but the main verb for the subject is missing. In addition, please check word spellings.

First of all, the old buildings where have historic value.

Another fragment sentence.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TAKS 2] CAMBRIDGE 12 TEST 5 - INFORMATION SHARING [4]

It is considered by some that accessing to scientific research, business and academic world should be free while there are others who think that some vital information has not to be publicized. In my opinion, I believe that free flow of information to some extent should be encouraged while limited access to some is necessary.

On the one hand, sharing information freely could be tremendously beneficial. From a scientific perspective, publicizing of new findings will interest world's scholars and scientists. This may accelerate pace of research and increase the potential to lead to many other advances and achievements. Similarly, from an economic perspective, free access to global business insights may minimize failures as the same time foster business success in foreign markets. Transmission of academic know-how; moreover, will cultivate learning process and promote world civilization.

On the other hand, the availability of some information should be strictly restricted. Revealing secrets to success of a particular product or a nation would promote unfair competition and discourage people from striving for excellence. In addition, military intelligence, if falling into the wrong hands, may pose serious threats to not only the local political stability but also world peace.

Finally, in my opinion, whether to share information freely or not depends on its purposes. Sharing of foundation knowledge and insights should be encouraged as it makes a better world. For example, experiences and lessons in dealing with economic, political matters could be transmitted from developed countries to less civilized nations. This helps shorten the time, minimize potential risks and guarantee for better results. Similarly, medical advancement and breakthroughs would open new doors for patients as well as improve world average longevity. In contrast, formula to success of such giant brand like Coca-cola should be kept secretly. Its fame is built on life-time dedication and hard work; thus, their achievement should be widely recognized and awarded in forms of exclusive patent and copyright. Testing of weapons of massive destruction like atomic and chemical bombs should be banned to avoid catastrophic consequences.

In conclusion, sharing of information is heavily rely on its types and purposes. Disclosure of any information should be considered thoroughly to maximize its benefit while minimize its potential threats to the world as a whole.

Writing Feedback / The resistance to change is a striking human's instinctive trait [IELTS TASK 2] [3]

Hi @Holt thank you for your remarks. I've finished the final work, please take a look at it and provide me some insights on my writing.

People have been known as creatures who do not really like it when events in their lives change. This resistance to normal changes causes certain problems for those who are unable to cope with the evolution of their lives. However, some steps can be taken to mitigate those potential liabilities.

One of the change human resist is related to the way they need to sometimes change the place where they live. This is because their fear of leaving the familiarity and ambiance of their current residence and friends they have made while settling in in a new place is all about uncertainties. For example, a man who has been living in an apartment in the city outskirts for years and is acquainted with a great number of like-minded friends would find it difficult to move into the city center. Despite of being convenient, his new home is more likely to be small and the fact that he has to do everything from scratch will definitely discourage his willingness to leave. In addition, his children also prefer staying at their old home rather than making new friends at a totally new nursery school.

In an effort to resolve that sort of fear, a person needs to first understand the underlying causes of the change. For children, maybe their parents need to work in a new place. For adult, maybe changing accommodation would be difficult at first, but in the long-term, short commute distance may shorten travel time, thus increase their productivity. In addition, they may seal better opportunity in a new company. The bottom line is when a change being made, a person must first understand what the reasons are for the change to take place. This helps him become less reluctant and more accepting of change.

While people will continue to be resistant to change due to certain reasons, this does not erase the fact that change is required in human lives. Through resistance to change, a person will always accepts it eventually has to happen. With enough thought and reasoning, the problem of resistant change can be overcome in a manner that makes a person accept change.

Writing Feedback / It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if they won't affect you [4]

Firstly, we are living in the global village that every event may end up influencing us to certain degree. That is to say, we are all in part of the events when something happens and we have nowhere to escape. For example, financial crisis breaking in the U.S. in 2008 causes whole world into recession. I still remember I sat at couch and thought it was not our business as I heard the news. It turns out financial crisis indeed impact my country a lot. Many people lost their jobs and a few banks went bankrupt.

I do not think that using "I" is acceptable in an IELTS or TOEFT essay.

"a few" otherwise means some, small amount but enough, so did you mean many companies went bankrupt

Writing Feedback / Sporting events can control people's tensions internationally and national feelings [5]

SPORTING COMPETITIONS INFLUENCE ON CITIZENS FEELINGS

Why do you have a title here as IELTS standard structure does not promote essay title

Identifying the methods which can control the emotions between people is always not clear. After some researches, they understand popular events can perform this among the folks. Sport events specially act the main role because most of people like sports competition either playing or watching, so its affection is remarkable. I believe that these kinds of popular happening help human calm down their tensions even in the range of international and show their national emotions in a better way.

We don't use research or studies

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] THEORY VS EXPERIENCE IN FUTURE JOB MARKET [3]

@Holt

Hi Holt, I failed to response to the prompt correctly. My essay is likely suitable for a discuss both sides and give opinions.

Thank for your dedicated help