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Posts by anhammond
Joined: Dec 21, 2009
Last Post: Dec 26, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 20  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 23
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anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / stanford supplement: what makes stanford a good fit for you? [6]

i like my essay a lot but its too long for the 1800 character word limit. help!

I jumped and grabbed the monkey bars while my friends stared up at my dangling, four-year old legs. I wrapped my legs around a neighboring bar and hoisted my body through the gap. After wrestling with my arms for the perfect position, I sat up victoriously on the top of the bars. For the rest of the day, I couldn't wipe that smile of satisfaction off my face. Looking back, I can remember those days of elementary school when I was the fearless kid, the first to do everything. Not much has changed for me since then.

When I first started to narrow down my list of colleges, the traits on the list were strong engineering programs (in a university), strong learning environment, great athletic facilities, and near/in a city. However, so many schools fit into these categories that I had trouble narrowing down my prospects. These traits are all good in a college but I was missing the point. What do I want to gain out of my college experience? I want to feel the same way I felt that day on the monkey bars: curious and eager to explore. Stanford is the only college that shares those feelings with me.

Stanford is a research university. More than any other school on my college list, Stanford wants to explore, not only teach. The amazing feeling I felt when I discovered something new on those monkey bars is one I never want to let go of. We might experiment differently from each other but Stanford and I are still both curious. I can see myself several months from now reading in the Meyer Library, searching the stacks with the same curiosity as a jungle gym. Wandering the gorgeous Mediterranean architecture, I will find my new hang out spot for the next four years.

Stanford has thousands of unique qualities, all of which I pondered while choosing it as my first choice, but at the end of the day all that matters is how I feel about that college. I love the way Stanford makes me feel because of its commitment to curiosity.
anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement #1: Intellectual Vitality (Human Trafficking) [3]

this is a really good topic but maybe you should focus more on how the topic affects you and your thought process

im applying to stanford too and this question really hit me as stanford's way of of looking into the way we think about certain issues, not necessarily the issues themselves.

i agree with hehalter, your writing is really good and effective.
anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Hello my future roomie! Stanford University Short Answer [6]

great topic!
i like how you talk about random qualities to showcase your uniqueness.
maybe instead of being so direct "I wanted to present a more holistic view of myself", you could just show holistic through the essay.

in my opinion it is better to show rather than tell in a college essay
you could try to just say "...and how every ounce of life around me inspires a film. But I then decided, a few random facts ought to do the trick." or something similar.

i really like your tone too. its a letter to your roommate so informal works as well as your examples: life of the party, love to sing, etc.

good luck!
anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "dance my worries away" - stanford supplement: letter to roommate [6]

i've read this essay over a thousand times and i could use some fresh eyes on my topic, tone, and message i want to send in this essay

Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

Dear Roomie,
My hair is tousled and messy as it flies around my head, only loosely attached. My face is glistening with sweat but a giant smile still spreads between my ears. I could be preparing for a hot date, my next class, or even a lunch with a friend. But don't worry, I'll try to not be in your way.

Dancing is a routine activity. My audience is usually just me and my mirror image but since we will be living together, you are welcome to watch (and join in!).

Personal dance parties are most common when I am stressed. At the end of my junior year I took a total of 5 high stakes tests including the SAT's, two AP tests, and my first IB exam. Every morning before a new test, I woke up, got ready for school and then plugged in my iPod and danced in front of my mirror to my favorite jams. The exercise gave me energy, the tunes gave me something to think about, and when I showed up to the exam room, I was jitter-free and ready to go.

Dancing is also worked into almost every action of mine throughout the day. Walking always includes an extra swing of the hips. If I am in a less crowded area fist pumps and shoulder shrugs are sometimes added, but once I get into a rhythm the risk of looking crazy to passersby dramatically decreases. Showering is the perfect release for my energy. I am totally alone and the walls have great acoustics for singing. Sometimes I run up stairs and brush my teeth to the beat or work in a few head bobs during a work out. Usually I dance in front of the microwave while I wait for my morning egg to finish cooking.

I cannot wait to have a roommate to share my energy with so I made a list of all our dorm room essentials for our endless dance parties. The most important would have to be speakers. They can't be so loud that they annoy our neighbors but so quiet that we can barely hear the music over our own voices. Second are objects that can double as microphones. Hairbrushes, shampoo bottles, pens, pencils, remotes, and flat irons are perfect. I have resorted to using my fist in the past but having a real microphone makes the experience much better. Make sure that breakables are out of sight while we are dancing. I am known for my clumsiness. We also must have a mini fridge. Dancing is exercise so sustenance and hydration will be needed to keep us from getting tired.

Don't ever feel nervous or insecure around me when I am dancing. The fact that I am dancing most likely means that I am nervous too. It is daunting to know that six months from now I will be on my own. My parents won't be there to make me soup when I am sick, comfort me when I am stressed, and protect me from the predators that are the real world. But that just gives me all the more reason to get my groove on. I'll just tune in, rock out, and dance my worries away.
anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answer #2- Things my Roommate needs to know [8]

these are great qualities to talk about because they show that your not a perfect person (which is a good thing)
it might be a bit to negative and dreary though.
try talking about how these qualities are all benefits, not drawbacks
ie. I love singing along with my favorite Death Cab for Cutie songs, but I apologize in advance, [for its not one of my better talents]

overall just little changes to your word choice will dramatically enhance your tone
this is an amazing start though! im applying to stanford too and this essay is by far the most fun. play around with your tone because it is to a future roommate, not a teacher. its okay if your tone is naturally more formal but don't be afraid to dumb down your word choice a bit

hope that helped! and good luck getting in
anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: I'm from an Island! [5]

this essay is awesome. it really shows stanford your thought process and what topics make you think

the grammar is obviously off but there are few instances where it actually takes away from the meaning of your essay

the imagery is amazing and i give you the best of luck when applying!
anhammond   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / 'going to die eventually' - stanford: intellectually engaging [6]

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Moving their mouths unconsciously up and down as they chew, the sheep blankly stare into the woods that surround my house. While they graze for hours and days at a time, I am working on homework, watching TV, or reading books to keep boredom at bay. To sheep, there is no boredom and sense of time like we humans have created. They lack that sophistication that makes us human, but is that necessarily a bad thing? I wonder what they think about as they sit there. Do they have a meaning, feel a purpose for their life, or think beyond their daily hay and grain? Do they even know where they are?

I constantly look for ways to attach meaning to my life. Through college, going to my friend's party or concert, and my hobbies, I strive for that all important satisfaction in life. But the sheep just eat. Life is supposed to be exhilarating, full of surprises, good times and bad, so how is it that sheep are alive as well?

Sometimes I look around my room at the collection of Harry Potter books, the mounds of clothes, and my cat and wonder if all of this is necessary in life. I can still function without the use of entertainment, pets, and clothes that don't even keep me warm but why don't I? The Harry Potter books remind me of when I was younger and enthusiastic about the possibility of magical worlds and fantasy lands. They make my life meaningful just as my cat and wardrobe do too.

It doesn't ultimately matter that the way my sheep and I lead our lives is different from one another. We all die eventually, but that hunger for meaning will always be in the human spirit. That is what makes me different from my sheep. Yes, I can read Harry Potter and the sheep can't, but more importantly I can remember how excited I was for each new book to come out and the excitement with which I read each book for the first time. The feelings associated with my book collection, hobbies, and experiences is what makes this life worth living. If I am going to die eventually, I might as well have fun while I am here.

please give me some feedback as to my topic and approach to this essay. im not quite sure yet as to what I want to get across with this essay

thank you!
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

i like the way you interpreted this prompt. its really asking to show your creativity and you did that

really capitalize on the importance of this scene to you. thats where the college sees why you wrote this topic and what makes you intrigued and engaged.

A friend of mine said that I have become crazier these days. Another even called me abrupt and blunt. try not to sound too negative about yourself. maybe say... a friend of mine described me in a similar way to these children: random, silly, and naive. Maybe I am like these kids...

and then go on to talk about the meaningfulness of the scene.

its better to always be positive, even the slightest indication of negativity can make you sound arrogant, pessimistic or sarcastic. no admission officer is going to want to admit a pessimist
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "dance my worries away" - stanford supplement: letter to roommate [6]

i see what your saying about the roommate and admission officer thing, but i like the letter format because it makes the essay a little more creative. the other two prompts for the supplement aren't as lenient so i thought i'd get it out here.

but i did like your other suggestion, ive been having trouble cutting the wordyness of the essay out too and i noticed that some of the stuff i wrote, like the fridge thing, could just be cut out entirely.

thank you for the comments. i really appreciate the fresh perspective. i have other essays for this supplement if you guys wouldn't mind checking them out.

thank you!
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Unlimited learning - stanford supplement essay (why stanford?) [5]

i like the sophisication with which you decribed stanford and the specifics of your examples.

make sure though that your response is not just some elegant brochure spit back at the admissions officers. they know what makes their college great, but what makes it great to YOU?

ask yourself...
am i excited for college? why?
what do i want to gain out of college?
what can i contribute to stanford?
how is Stanford different from all the others?

these sorts of questions really helped me when i wrote this essay. stanford wants to be bragged to about how awesome they are but they also want to know how stanford will conform to you as well

this is definately the most difficult out of the three essay prompts and good luck to you with the admission process
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / SMU Supplement - how is SMU good fit for you? [5]

how long does your essay have to be?

your response would really benefit if you could add a specific example of "my inclination of giving back to the community"

overall though it is a great start
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay-One of the weirdest things you may read [8]

i agree with the negativity. you could be a the most sarcastic person in the world but the college essay isnt the place for it.

i agree with using an example or two too.
maybe instead of starting out the essay like you did, start with an example of how unique you are. maybe a party scene or your calculus class or something where you can describe your personality without being so direct.

its always better to show rather than tell.
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / SMU Supplement - how is SMU good fit for you? [5]

get rid of the introduction and get straight to the point. focus on just one aspect of the college like the student-faculty ratio.

you could start with "Due to my experience...small class size high school, I will feel at home in a college with a small student-faculty ratio.

then add a sentence saying why that factor is important to you
it makes you feel at home...
you are a shy person...
or any other reason at makes this answer unique to you. that is the most important part to answering any question
anhammond   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay... [13]

i really like the idea!
try to capitalize more one the similarities you share with the clock in the end and cut out some of the story itself.

the revelation you made from the clock is the most important part to the admissions officers anyway.
anhammond   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / STANFORD- Roommate essay (observe the people you hang out with) [5]

try not to be too negative when you describe your friends
and when you say that you cannot stand inefficiency you could come off to the admissions officers as a person who cant cope with change and is therefore not quite mature enough for college

i like your overall theme though. with a few changes to the tone you will have an essay with great potential for getting in
anhammond   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay (50 majors across the Art and Sciences schools) [8]

In 1975 , the british comedy troupe Monty Python...
the commas were wrong. its okay to have some grammatical errors but the first sentence is the one that should be the best for the admissions officers

i like how you used your experiences and the monty python thing to show how you became interested in international relations in the first place.

i also like how you humbled your ambitions in the last paragraph. the last thing admissions officers want to see is a student with lofty, boastful aspirations

the last paragrah does need some tweaking though. i'm sure what yet but it seems as though its not nearly as strong as it could be
anhammond   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Unlimited learning - stanford supplement essay (why stanford?) [5]

be more specific when you say "improve my weaknesses and expand my strengths". you want to stay away from generalizations about your personality like that

it may seem to you like all the qualities you listed are unique to you but you really have to emphasis why you like those specific qualities for your essay to stand out to the admissions officers
anhammond   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford's students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality [2]

it seems much to general. im guessing your essay is about the experiment and how its related to curiosity and age but i dont think you get personal enough with the essay for the admissions officers to think that you are really passionate about this topic.

one thing that i noticed is the language. make sure that you are comfortable with the language you use. its okay to write in language that is similar to the way you speak. no word is out of place or "thesaurusy" but big language doesnt show intellectual vitality, your topic does (which yours does well)

this concept of intellectual vitality is huge at stanford. they really want to know your thought process and see your love of learning shine through.

dont use the "thrist quenched" concept. its overused and doesnt show passion quite as clearly as your experiment itself could. capitalize on why you did the experiment, what you found, and what about your findings made you want to continue things like it

good luck!
anhammond   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / The unexamined life is unworth living- Stanford [5]

i like the other one better
it is more personal than this one

this one had great writing but it is more in a research style than college essay style. if you polish up the other one so that it really shows how intellectually engaged you are then you will have a great essay
anhammond   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay (50 majors across the Art and Sciences schools) [8]

i think structurally if you tweak the focus of the last paragraph the essay will be really powerful.

you mentioned earlier "the real world setting"
i think if you tie in different aspects of the questions you asked about the movie into a real context it will nicely wrap up the point of your essay

for example, In the real world, governments and people across the globe are interacting with each other and exchanging multitudes of resources and ideas. These interactions may not be as comical as Monty Python, but...

keep your last sentence. it really brings your voice into the essay and provides that needed connection between international relations and monty python
anhammond   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Epistemology- stanford supplement-common app [5]

you are definetely answering the question but i agree with mel77
don't generalize and use all girls

instead say "why do many girls feel attracted to the high school jock"

a huge thing that I noticed is that epistemology is the theory of knowledge; how we learn. Its not necessarily a concept involved in psychology which is the focus of your essay (even if you wanted it to be philosophy). epistemology is associated with different ways of knowing-reason, emotion, sense perception, language- not brain functions. i think the concept you are looking for is more priming or subliminal not epistemology
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