Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Paul Jo
Joined: Sep 16, 2011
Last Post: Oct 20, 2011
Threads: 6
Posts: 28  
From: Korea, Republic of

Displayed posts: 34
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
Paul Jo   
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Stage for me - common app essay [4]

This is my draft of essay, I would really appreciate any feedback and critique. It may contain numerous grammatical errors.
I'll read your essays and give you necessary advice as reciprocation.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Stage for me

I gasped when suddenly the melody of music went ugly. Unable to play any longer and terrified, I threw a quick glance at the audience. They were grimacing and laughing at me. Too embarrassed to even apologize for my clumsy mistake, I absconded from the stage after taking a hasty bow.

Finally, I woke up from the gruesome nightmare, panting, drenched with sweat all over my back. Playing classical guitar has always been my passion, an intimacy I have maintained for a long period, followed by my academic pursuits. However, having ruined my first contest few years ago, which engraved on me a kind of everlasting trauma thereafter, a painful experience that made me an inward person who detested being in the limelight, I almost always made a cautious decline whenever suggested to participate in a music contest or a concert. Nonetheless, my seemingly eternal withdrawal halted when the music teacher wrote my name on the school bulletin board as one of the soloists for the inaugural fund-raising concert, which is designed to channel the funds to support the restoration of a school devastated by Sichuan Earthquake.

Elected as a solo guitarist and my personal information already being sent to Hong Kong and Beijing to make pamphlets, I had no choice but to practice one of the most famous classical guitar pieces: 'Recuerdos de Alhambra' with Frank, my 20-year-old Yamaha guitar. I practiced this piece over and over again, at least five times a day, all under the eyes of my brother and father, encouraging me forwards. Whenever I made a minor mistake, my face would turn pale, and I was seized by misery. Nevertheless, without giving up halfway, I tried my best to produce the best sound in the limited time given. The day had finally arrived, and I made my unnerving expedition to Qingdao with other members of the orchestra and soloists. I had been reduced to a timid juvenile with fluctuating emotions.

In the concert hall, feeling my heartbeat running intensely quickly, I gripped my fists tightly. When I made my last rehearsal prior to the main recital, the hideous fear controlling my mind ripened into an even bigger monster. However, I ventured to face it, attempting to enjoy the moment that would probably never come later again in my future. Although I thought myself to be well-prepared for the recital, when it was finally my turn to be on stage in front of such a vast audience, all my senses reacted vigorously, so much that I almost threw up on the glistening wooden floor. The roaring claps and dazzling spotlight offered to the performers were more of a strain for me than a fervid reception.

When one of the stage assistants gave me the cue at last, I dashed onto the stage with my cherished guitar, silently yet confidently, trying not to make any offensive noise. The sonorous cheer greeted me. I seated myself, cleared my throat, and commenced a four-minute performance that seemed to last an eternity. I could feel my fingers trembling with tension. It was so quiet. When I closed my eyes softly, nothing could I hear except the melody coming out from the musical instrument I was handling. My rough hand glided from place to place on the neck of the guitar. I was engulfed solely into the moment. The threatening long-term terror had vanished from my brain within a minute, and I could find myself completely enthralled in the rendition of my own. I was proud of myself for doing something meaningful, with so many people watching me.

When I gently thrummed on the last note of the music, the serene hall was again filled with listeners, who sent me a burst of applause that pierced through the bubble of tranquility. A gushing rapture possessed me instantaneously, and I felt I had matured into a more evolved persona. I learned to face fear and to conquer shyness. Getting off the stage, I saw my music teacher smiling at me, with his thumb raised as a sign of satisfaction. A kaleidoscopic panorama of thoughts passed onto me when I descended from the stage. At the end of the continuous days of fear, pressure, and anxiety, I found accomplishment.

Merely playing the guitar had presented me with an invaluable lesson. I reproached myself for avoiding such performances for such a long time, and for not having enough courage to take a small step forward. My heart was still racing, but the inexpressible sentiment, a feeling that I had finally made significant progress, which I procrastinated to achieve for nearly a decade, bestowed utmost bliss on me. I hurried into the foyer, exhaled deeply, and phoned my father, who was the person most anxious about whether or not my performance went successfully. As soon as a quiet beep signaled that the line had been connected, not surprisingly, he promptly inquired about the recital. With a small smile on my face, I replied: "perfect, not because I did it without any errors, but because I made a vital breakthrough."
Paul Jo   
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Breaking my "Shell"- Common App Essay [5]

I really enjoyed reading your essay! very well organized writing with sound structure overall.

I'm an international student, so it might be slightly difficult for me to correct any grammatical problems.

I especially liked your analogy, an intersting misnomer of your name.
Paul Jo   
Sep 22, 2011
Writing Feedback / my GRE argument of "investment in company of heating oil" [5]

First I was astonished that you managed to finish this essay within 30 minutes!

It's a bit of shame that there's no prompt to read, which could have enable other readers to give you proper revision and criticism.

A composition with varied vocabularies and sentense strucrture, I think you definately did a great job!
Paul Jo   
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My experience in moving to Israel' - Common App [8]

A very well written essay Mack! You used familiar topic to fully describe yourself, which is a good approach to take for the app.

However, your essay could have been improved had you tried to 'show' yourself instead of 'telling' who your are.
Paul Jo   
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My experience in moving to Israel' - Common App [8]

estherfm
For example, in the fourth paragraph of your essay, the sentence 'I became a counselor ... is worth listening to.' is the general type of showing.

Although this might be a good strategy to say somethingof yourself in a terse way, I think it's better to take an brief example, or expecience,

not justing mentioning that you learned a good deal of stuff by assuming a role of counselor.

'telling' can sometimes, although not always, confuse admission officers. They cannot fully understand the character of candidate.

wish you luck!
Paul Jo   
Sep 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "Winter Guard" Extracurricular Activities and a Risk I've Taken Common App [4]

You are on the right track there Jennifer! I love both of your essays!

However, I should make some criticisms so that they can be improved.

First, in your common app short answer, you said: 'I had no interest in teaching', which can be a risk.

Participating in an activity should be something you really enjoy, hence don't let such negative phrase be included in your essay.

In the fourth line, the sentence is non-parallel, it should not be 'in art..., in being..., in having.'

As to the common app essay, I liked most parts except the last paragraph.

The ending is so abrupt that it can confuse readers. I suggest you to elaborate more on the process of the competition.

Best of luck!
Paul Jo   
Sep 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / Key Issues to Make City Better to Live in for The Future [3]

Let me go harsh. This essay more fits as a SAT composition, but far less appropriate for undergraduate admission essay.

You are making a mistake of not showing yourself, which is first to be considered when you write the essay.

Writing about eutopia and the means to achieve it is not enough.

Admission officers always wants to understand who YOU are.

I strongly recommend you to carefully revise you essay, and focus on yourself.

may luck be with you!
Paul Jo   
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "unfortunate situations are my favorite..." UVA essay [6]

Lovely opening paragraph!! An extremely well structured writing with perspicacious development of idea.

The conversational tone of the essay made me very comportable to read it.

However, I spotted a few minor grammatical mistakes.

''My mom's stomach was probably doing upside down flips flipping at the mere thought of me my being stranded alone during such a hurricane."
Paul Jo   
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "the comparative advantage model" - time you found something you weren't looking for. [3]

Hey guys! Please take a look at my essay and give me any advice and critique. This is my first draft of essay, so it may contain many errors.

Extended Essay

Essay Option 4: While working at the Raytheon Company, Percy Spencer noticed that standing in front of a magnetron (used to generate microwave radio signals) caused a chocolate bar in his pocket to melt. He then placed a bowl of corn in front of the device, and soon it was popping all over the room. A couple of years later, Raytheon was selling the first commercial microwave oven.

Write about a time you found something you weren't looking for.


Five minutes before the class finishes, and a week before the midterm starts, my economics teacher announced that the international trade will definitely be the main topic on the following exam. I could see my friends shrunk with desperation, as that was the part they found most difficult. We went to the library right away for self-teaching. The sky was crystal clear, and the still breeze tickled my cheek. It was perfect time for me and my classmates to elaborate on the preparation of midterm. As a group leader, I was instructed by the teacher to give other students description about comparative advantage, a concept with which many of them were riddled.

During the group study session, I gave other peers fundamental explanation about the term. Being in the position of teaching someone was something that I enjoyed most. However, because of my imperfect knowledge, I was unable to satiate the infinite academic hunger of my fellow students. The assumption that the countries always has a constant opportunity cost of producing one good to the other, which was contradictory to production possibility curve graph that shows increasing cost as the amount of goods or services produced augments. I recollected my father's statement that if one cannot teach something fully to others, it means that he has limited information or not completely grasps the concept. Tormenting on the idea that my understanding may have been flawed, after returning home, I delved into the entire scope related with comparative advantage. I was resolved to clarify the vague area I wasn't actually well known of, and discover something new that would broaden my view on the subject.

Initially, I could not understand which part had I missed. I pondered over the word repeatedly to get the clear picture of it. However, all the painful efforts seemed to be futile. The deeper I got into the question, the more I perceived myself fallen into an inescapable quandary. A mournful sense of desperation possessed me, and I put my pencil down. After a short moment of rest, to cool my confused head down exhausted with economics, I started my math homework. Solving a question about differentiation, a curved graph, which has variable gradient according to different values, caught my eyes. I instinctively related the graph to the comparative advantage model.

Eureka!

The intricate question that tormented me got resolved swiftly, unexpectedly. I extricated myself from the confusion why production possibility frontier of a country trading with its partner is a straight line instead of a curved one. I understood that the cost have to be equal to the change in level of production, so that the trade can be made. With the fixed opportunity cost, countries can evaluate reasonable terms of trade to be benefited from trading. As a by-product of the fortuitous discovery, I also spotted another reason that the opportunity cost ought to remain constant. Changing cost cannot adequately explain the basic presumption that trade cannot be made when two countries have same opportunity cost, because in such case, none of the both countries can be better-off from transactions.

I carried my steps pleasantly to school, imagining that I could be a savior of the entire class. This amazing knowledge (at least it was for me) was purely of casual encounter. However, it was what fueled even more of my intimate interest in economics. An ineffable exultation was something that greeted me every time I made a new leap or progress. It was sweeter than my favorite lemon tea, and more inspiring than incessant encouragement teacher would grant to me.
Paul Jo   
Sep 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / the water cycle - ielts task 1 [5]

A well-written insightful essay!

I'll just give one correction for your grammar.

Once evaporated, this amount of water - > Once ecaporated, water
Paul Jo   
Sep 23, 2011
Scholarship / "Rise Above Your Skill" - Questbridge - Nat'l College Match (Biographical Essay) [4]

What an original essay you wrote! This is one of the best essay I've read thus far.

As the distances get nearer, I could feel the growing feeling of tension, which you aptly organized throughout the essay.

You will definately catch admission officers' attention with your excelent writing skills.

Good luck with your school!
Paul Jo   
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My experience in moving to Israel' - Common App [8]

a lovely, near-perfect essay Esther!

I think your writing falls into the category of adversity - conquest, and a bit of self-identity.

You successfully altered your essay as the way to really 'show' who you are, excellent!

However, don't try to put too many facts in your essay. Talking too much of your life can often cause readers to misconstrue your intension.

''give your essay focus and you will have the space to cover the topic in greater depth.'' <- This is what I've read from an essay guidebook.

Hope my suggestion can be of help.

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "Matrix of inspiration and dream "- Why UChicago? [5]

Please read my essay and give me any feedback and suggestion. Please be harsh to me!

Respond to Question 1 by writing a paragraph or two.

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

I have always been seeking for a university that provides students with academically competitive environments and hands-on experience, and found out that UChicago is one of my perfect fits. Possessing intimate interest in economics and other fields related to it, such as economics-mathematics and political economics, I am resolute to apply for the university. Since UChicago has a great reputation among prestigious American colleges on the economics, I consider that it would be a rare and honorable opportunity for me to expand unlimited amount of knowledge with which I am concerned. At UChicago, my lifelong dream of pursuing further education of the subject will be realized in the academically demanding curricula and coursework. UChicago will present me with the challenge I need to obtain my ultimate objective of creating an economic union like EU, comprised of three Northeast Asian countries (Korea, Japan, and China), and becoming an economist.

In addition to excelling in the intellectual areas, I'm also a competent athlete. Enjoying Kendo, one of the most famous Japanese traditional martial arts, and squash, I gained the ability to view the world in different perspective that I would not have been able to have, had I merely been a student interested only in academic affairs. Participating in a variety of sports activities is to be emphasized as much as it does continuing my academic career. UChicago is best equipped with its renowned varsity sports, club sports, and intramural sports. Some of them, if not all, will satisfy my desire to remain not only as a scholarly person, but also as a proficient sportsman.
Paul Jo   
Sep 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / Key Issues to Make City Better to Live in for The Future [3]

Basically, SAT essay ask your own opinion on certain issue or idea,

and therefore it's very important to hold certain opinion and give the reason why you think so.

When you're writing this sort of writing, it's better to take some examples from history, literature, or your own experience.

However, when it comes to the undergraduate admission essay,

there is one crucial component that you ought not omit: Showing readers (in most cases admission officers) who you are.

Revealing yourself is the prime thing you should consider when you are writing the essay.

It does not ask you your view on particular topic, but ask you to give info about yourself.

Hope it might be helpful.

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "lesson of responsibility and humility" - a person who has influenced you [4]

I enjoyed reading your essay Arnold. It was quite good.

'Maths was one of my stronger' - Math was one of my strongest

'It was a bitter pill to swallow' - great descriptive writing!

'Barely a week as new principal' - Barely a week as a new principal

'I knew what I had to do and the other monitors agreed.' - I cannot understand what are you trying to say.

'we not only fixed the patchy walls, we even added murals' - we not only fixed the patchy walls, but also added murals

Wish you luck!

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a Japanese speaking class' - Elaborate on one extracurricular activity [4]

Please leave any comment or advice after reading my essay. I really appreciate your help.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

When I was a 12th-grade student, I had a chance to organize a Japanese speaking class to teach university students. Dreaming of becoming a professor after graduating from college, I conceived that this teaching experience would be an excellent opportunity for me to enhance my ability, and find out the way to improve myself. On the first day I made acquaintance with some of my students, I shrugged a bit, thinking if I was a well-qualified person to lead these people for the lecture, as all of them were of Japanese major. Fairly soon, however, I noticed that the concern was purely redundant. They followed the class extremely well, and, in most cases, tried their best to make progress. I enjoyed tutoring them very much. I would rather say that the lesson was mine, because the experience showed me the effective way to communicate with people of difference race, age, and language, hurling down the invisible walls existed between them and me.
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Sounds of Happiness" Common App Essay [5]

Wow, your essay holds same cathegory like mine. I enjoyed reading it.

I found some grammatical mistakes throughout your writing. Please take a look and check what's wrong.

'Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids and the missed notes I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.' - What's the subject?

'When I play for those senior residents, we escape the monotony of daily life...' - who is 'we'?

Overall, it's a good essay.

Good luck with your school!

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / The Importance of Uncertainty: Common App essay [8]

A fairly good essay, though the it sound somewhat too common.

I suggest you to more elaborate on your unique experience, which might successfully introduce yourself and 'the importance of uncertainty'.

You mentioned so many facts that some readers may not be able to get your intention.

Focus on only one fact or two, and leave more space for them to carry somewhat more in-depth desceiption.

No significant grammar error was found, but only one.

'Uncertainty lets let the truth emerge'

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Essays / How to write an essay on my goals for the school year / education importance [13]

First of all, you definately have to mention why are you interested in the subject, and what entices you to learn it.

If the essay is the university supplement, it's also better to talk someting unique about the college, such as its courses and curricula.

Although it's written so clumsily, my essay can be a little help.

Take a look at my why Uchicago essay.

It's a closed thread, so you may not be able to put any post.

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Scholarship / Gia's drive and Coastal Highway - an experience that changed you [4]

The story flows quite smoothly, with concrete example in it.

However, you are making a fundimental mistake that should be avoid writing admission essay.

Admission officers want to know about YOURSELF, not other person's financial hardship, and conquest.

From beginning to ending of your essay, you never introduced yourself, which is fatally demaging. Hope you get it correctly.

I found some grammatical mistakes. Please edit your essay promptly.

'because people often support their self themselves '

'society are incomprehensible incomprehensibly more influential than'

'he now became become '

'Although Gia's parents were both economically successful, but they are painfully' - Delete either although or but.

'but he chose to be persistent toward the original idea of' - but he chose to insists on the original idea.

'The rich always acquires acquire ' - The rich is a plural noun.

'which help help them'

'they were neglectful neglected '.

'He did not recognize his uncle uncle's voice, until he uncle repeated'

'The Company is broken' - I think you better restate the sentence as: The Company went bankrupt.

hibernation - I know this is a sort of euphemism, but I recommend you to found another proper noun to decribe the awakening of Gia.

'University of Nevada Las Vegas, as a member of UNLV Chess Club'

'Although Gia's spare time is now minimized---, but he is enjoying his frugal, relaxed, and "common" life.' - remove either Altough or but
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Math - the subjects with which you had difficulty [2]

Good essay, though it contains many grammatical errors. Have a look at them.

Mas - Math

Being that - because

everyone expectation - everyone's expectation

classes however: - classes. However,

and to say - and said

planning on going - planning to go

I had the entire summer to give it some thought - I had the entire summer to think

either to let my fears take me over or I overcome my fears - either to let my fears take me over or to overcome my fears

I the first week of class - on the first week of class

seemed to ponder in my head - seemed to drift in my head

grade however; - grade. However,

This year my younger sister is taking that same class - This year, my younger sister is taking the same class

The times when I thought I didn't understand, I was truly making process - I was truly making progress among unawareness

Good luck with your school!

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / Three reasons for Overpopulation in Vietnam or India [6]

I guess you selected a wrong thread? This is for Undergraduate Admission.

I fixed some of your grammars. please check.

Vietnam is developing country and it is small country with 311415km - Vietnam is a small developing country ranging 311415km

Most people do at farm - Most people dedicate in the first industry

Vietnam has same culture with China like many families prefert have son more than daughter - The culture of Vietnam is similar to that of China. For example, many families prefer having a son to having a daughter.

it is not enough land - there is not enough land

It doesn't has enough for children - the land is insufficient for the future generation.

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'when my family broke' - VT short answer [2]

I couldn't see any keen insight in your essay. Academic history is barely mentioned.

You gave insufficient explanation what influence did your family situation affected you.

I corrected some grammatical errors. Please carefully revise your essay.

I think of broken - I think of breakdown. Since you said unity, I think it's better to replace broken with a noun to make a parallel sentence.

even if this meant I had a test the next morning - what are you trying to say by inserting 'this'?

everything was perfect up until the other grandparents - everything was perfect when other grandparents

won due to their attorney telling my parents - won because their attorney told my parents

if Ali were never to be born my grades would be better - if Ali had never been born, my grade would have been better

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / Explore some of the aspects or even a single aspect of "identity". [5]

Excellent essay!! You successfully described your double, colliding identities with solid example backing your writing.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. What a impressive ending!

I came up with some grammatical errors, please have a look.

When a person reaches that - When people reach that

that is when a person has reached - that is when they have reached

A child will know the expectations the parents have on them him from an early age.

My father like many immigrant - My father, like many immigrant

Like me, who growing up - Like me, who grow up

There is being a lawyer or doctor - There is a lawyer or doctor

I felt rebellious for wanting to do this - I could not understand what this sentence means.

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Scholarship / Gia's drive and Coastal Highway - an experience that changed you [4]

Oh, really? Then I think your essay is really a masterpeice.

However, it's a bit too long, 1144 words in total. I suggest you to cut some parts making 800 words or so maximum.

Truly inspiring essay. I did't know Gia was you.
Paul Jo   
Sep 26, 2011
Graduate / PHD SOPs - education (human development) - 1500 word limit? [7]

Although 1500 words sound a huge amount to get through, it's not really enough for you to show yourself for the Phd program.

Don't try to be extreme. the quantity of your writing is not as important as the quality of your writing!

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 27, 2011
Undergraduate / I Am Traditional-Commonapp Essay [6]

Your essay falls precisely in the category of self-identity. I enjoyed reading your essay. It flaws so naturally, taking conversational tone overall.

I think you successfully described yourself in the limitted words without being too tangential.

I especially like your second paragraph of your own perspective on 'diversity'.

写的很好,继续加油吧。希望你考上一个名牌大学

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 27, 2011
Graduate / PHD SOPs - education (human development) - 1500 word limit? [7]

Being a first-year applicant, I'm not really sure about the number of applicants for the PHD progam.

I think it depends to which university you are applying to.

For more precise informaion, I recommend you to inquire the university you are targetting, or ask alumni.

:)
Paul Jo   
Sep 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Stage for me - common app essay [4]

Thank you for the suggestions & corrections guys!

A non-native English speaker, I'm a little worried about my grammatical mistakes. (A special thanks to Susan & Kathleen)

Please give me some more advices!
Paul Jo   
Oct 1, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My experience in moving to Israel' - Common App [8]

I really like your essay, but it's too long for the admission officers to read I think.

This is the longest essay I've ever read - 1631 words.

I really suggest you to cut the content into about half, because verbosity can also be a great problem.

As I told you before, talking too much and putting too much fact into your essay is not a good idea.

Although I definately can see your idea develops soundly throughout your writing, it's really too long.

BTW, are you also applying for the UChicago? So is I! May luck be with you!

:)
Paul Jo   
Oct 18, 2011
Undergraduate / How did you spend your last two summers? Princeton supplement [2]

Anyone please revise my essay and give me some suggestions!

Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.

Being involved in various extracurricular activities give me a sort of internal satisfaction and lessons scholastic achievements would not offer to me. It is my attempt to embark on ambiguous area with which I was unfamiliar, a daunting trip that sometimes chases me into stressful predicament. However, at the end of the path, I found myself learned something new, a precious knowledge I could have missed had I solely engaged in my academic affairs.

In the summer of 2010, when I was still a home-schooled student, I was proposed to participate in the All-China Kendo Competition as a member of the representative team of the city of my residence. In order to excel in the match, I practiced rigorously, investing huge part of my summer. In this process, I learned to appreciate the aids and advice presented to me, the way to respect adversaries, and the morals and regulations. Prior to the commencement of opening ceremony, the captain of my team emphasized that blindly pursuing after the triumph of game is a direct contradiction to the main point of this grand tournament. Rather, knowing to pay homage to the winners and being able to maintain modesty were prime objectives. I was surprise to see the civility of sportsmanship. I could see neither the boast of the triumphed nor the frustration of the defeated. Watching the winning team ascending the platform to receive award, without expressing an inch of regret, I acclaimed for the team. Looking up the azure sky, I felt the sun was even more dazzling than usual, as if to celebrate my growth.

The summer of next year is about another story I should narrate, after I finished my senior year of school, I made a plan to publish an anthology of poetries of three Northeast Asian countries: Korea, China, and Japan. I thought this experience would be an excellent opportunity to further my interest in literature. Collecting the poems and classifying them into similar themes required arduous efforts. For several times, I wanted to put the operation into hold from mental and physical exhaustion. However, alluding myself that this is another challenge that should be conquered, I persevered in the work, without being succumbed to any kind of obstacles and quagmire. I could finish the job and have the final copy of the book sent to the publishing company on time without delay. This was an especially significant experience in that I produced a creation of my own and expanded my possibility to confront impossibility.
Paul Jo   
Oct 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'One father, one teacher' - a person who has influenced you in a significant way [2]

Please somebody help me revise my essay.

Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

One father, one teacher

My father was different from any other parents who would force their children to go to school. Instead, he decided to home-school me and my brother, him being the counselor who designs each and every course and curricular we would follow. Few years before he made this irregular plan, he was originally a well-respected diplomat, one of the most difficult occupations an individual can have in Korea. However, he abandoned his precious career for our sake without a single sign of hesitation.

Unlike conventional Korean educational system, which emphasizes only of stuffing simple facts and terms (of which he thought was so unproductive and time consuming) into students, my father led the classes mainly as a form of debate, always demanding for the 'reasons' we made for our conclusions. He marked clear distinction between passive and active learning, and trained us not to be bound in bias and prejudice. He never compelled me to be have certain dreams, but helped me find the most appropriate goal and pursue for the career I was deeply interested.

My intimacy with father grew tight as the time pass by. I could not think of having teachers other than him. I was free to express any idea I hold, and object to his opinion during the debate, through which I learned to think in a deeper level. Instead of just instilling simple facts written on textbooks, he would let us 'feel' the knowledge by taking multiple means.

His method of teaching does not resemble any I previously experienced when I attended school. One day, during the AP economics class (although it may not seem like 'conventional' class to those who received 'traditional' education), he told me that the slope of demand curve of a monopolistic market is always half of that of marginal revenue curve. I knew he would not stop at this stage. Not surprisingly, he asked why it is so, and instructed me to recall all the related concepts to fully explain the term. Although at the very first period of my life as a home-schooled student I thought the courses were too complicated and redundant, soon I knew this is one of the most effective ways to grasp knowledge. By enduring and going through this process, I was able to solidify what I learned, never forgetting afterwards even a minor detail for his successful style of tutoring.

Furthermore, he eagerly tried his best to discover my strongest points and optimize them. Knowing that I was not a brilliant science student, he recommended me to keep the main focus on the subjects of my main interest such as calculus, statistics, social sciences, and foreign languages. My improving academic performances proved that he had unquestionable skills in teaching. His initial opponents who had severely reprimanded him for his decision to home-school his two sons praised his rewarding 'venture.'

One summer night, I asked him if he does not regret the decision he made resisting harsh criticism from his friends and even members of family. With a slight smile dangling on his face, he replied: "Sometimes, of course I do, but I would stick to my original plan until you are qualified enough to receive better education in the university." Yes, he has always maintained his position, and promise he made to me and to himself. He scarcely scolded me of some occasional failure, but more often, he reproached himself and bore most of the resulting responsibilities. Maybe this kind of attitude and mindset were also a part of his means to lead me onto the right track to my dream. I was deeply galvanized to hear him say so. It seemed that he was the last individual who would forsake his own self-designed regulation and philosophy.

Being my father and teacher, he influenced me in various aspects. Not only did he contribute to my scholastic fields, but also guide me to always consider three virtues: modesty, morality, and integrity. He was one of my top role models I wanted to emulate. Though his minds may appear to be the most unorthodox and idiosyncratic, as he believes in me, I also trust him, respecting his principles and rarely frustrating him. Every class I had with him was full of vigor and vitality. He taught me to love knowledge and apply it, to stand against any odd and plight without surrender, and to value the merit of persistence, through all of which I was able to get near to my goals. For my father and teacher and eventually for myself, I will keep proceeding to my dream. I will smile, and so will he.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳