Undergraduate / I'm from a Kazakh family; My college Essay [7]

Hello everybody

This is my college essay, critique it. For the most part I have a teacher for the grammatical corrections so I would like to hear your opinions regarding the content.

College Essay First Draft

I was only two years old. A son of Kazakh students in St. Petersburg, Russia about to start my first day of kindergarten not knowing a single word in Russian, and being a bit scared of this new culture I am about to encounter. Little did I know that it would not be the last time I had to adapt to different surroundings and as a result become more enriched as a person.

Even though my father joked that my family's constant moving is only natural due to the fact that we're Kazakhs( a historically nomadic group of people), It was very difficult for me at first. Being perceived as the "other" everywhere I went including my native Kazakhstan was not only hard for me to take, but it was also creating a sort of "personality disorder" in me, I constantly asked myself "Who am I?". However as I got older with the help of my family I have been able to accept this diverse experience as something that is positive. I realized that while being in different places I was enriching my knowledge, and my character. Throughout my kindergarten years I picked up the Russian language which I still remember to this day. After going back to Kazakhstan I was also able to "reclaim" my native language, and culture solidifying my self-identification. During my first stay in America I was able to quickly learn the English language, and then my diverse knowledge helped me to excel in my education. I realized that I was "different" not because that there was something wrong with me, but because I had many unique experiences to draw from and compare with. Living with people of different ethnic groups, social classes, and background has had an impact on me as my views were widened by people as different as night and day, thus by having many experiences to compare to I have been able to make more thorough choices in my life.

Due to the fact that I traveled throughout three different continents, I developed a natural infatuation with the history of the world, and its different cultures. Because of that I am always open to sharing my cultural, or any other experiences with other people, while also having my natural curiosity to explore and learn from people about something new. Because of knowing people of many opinions and mentalities, I realize that people are different and I am always open to learning something different and new from other people. Since throughout my life I frequently had to adapt to foreign environments, I am very comfortable with a community that I am not familiar with, and I will quickly absorb everything that I can in order to get comfortable.

Being of a different background, and thus sometimes being labeled as "different" or "other" was not always comfortable to me. To this day whenever I am asked to fill the race box I struggle due to not being able to relate to any category. However, I learned to accept my uniqueness, and hope to acquire even more unique experiences.

Undergraduate / Basketball and me; Common App/Extracurricular activity [3]

As I walk down the street, and the sounds of sneakers slipping, balls being dribbled, and nets swooshing intensify, my heart races, and joy overflows my body. Simple movements such as jumping, and running come together in order to put on an aesthetically pleasing show. I become greatly relieved by the appearance of a basketball court, and an opportunity to engage in my favorite hobby of playing basketball.

During my freshman year of high school, I first discovered the game of basketball. Although I've played before, the game took on a whole new meaning to me as I proceeded on my quest to be as good of a basketball player as I could be. Ever since then whenever I felt stressed out, or desolate I would lace my sneakers and hit up the closest ball park or the closest gym.

Even though i'm off the school grounds when I play basketball, the game still manages to teach me a lot of life lessons that I have incorporated. Being defeated once by a forty year old chubby man, because I assumed he was slow, and not good enough has opened my eyes, because it has shown me that you cannot judge people by their appearance. I also used to think that certain people are "just better" than me, and I use to be discouraged from doing something, because "it just wasn't for me". However, after putting many hours into my craft and reaching the heights that I thought I could never reach, basketball taught me that as long as you are patient, and work hard towards your goal you will prevail.

In many ways basketball is a parallel to the life that we live. Basketball has shown me that teamwork always prevails over egotistical approach, and that you have to be patient in order to "score" in life.

Please show me any mistakes, critique it, and if possible help me on ending the essay as I believe I haven't concluded it well

Undergraduate / History, and mathematics have captured me and never let goCornell sup [10]

Please critique my first draft for a cornell supplement
For this copy I am looking more towards help with the ideas rather than the grammar which I'l improve myself

Cornell Supplemental Essay

Throughout my academic life I have been interested in many subjects, but the fields of history, and mathematics have captured me and never let go. I clearly remember when at eight years old I was given by my parents a book on Greek mythology. Although at the time I was mostly fascinated by the supernatural and not historically accurate tales of the Zeus, Hercules, and etc. what it also ignited in me is the interest historical culture of Greece, which I started satisfying in various history, and social studies classes. From that point on that interest grew into one of my favorite subjects as I became thirsty for as much historical knowledge as possible be it an event as major as World War II or as obscure as the Basmachi revolt in the Soviet Union. Along with this growing interest for historical events, I also became enamored with the world of mathematics. Around the age of eleven my elementary school teacher began challenging me to further my knowledge in the area of mathematics as much as possible, showing me that while mathematics do become more difficult the reward of gaining new ways to reason, and think is worth it

The world of history has always excited me due to its deep world of human interaction, and development. Glorious conquests, new explorations, innovations, and creations of new cultures have always grasped my breath. History could also serve as a lesson to the people by analyzing the horrible, and the beautiful events of the past, as George Santayana put "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.". The world of the mathematics however to me was always more in a realm of logic, and reason. To me the laws, and the rules of mathematics contrasted sometimes the unpredictable subject of history. Thus, what I always appreaciated in mathematics is its tendency to teach people how to think critically, and apply reason.

Cornell's mission statement briefly summarized in the words of the co-founder Ezra Cornell: "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." is very fitting as I plan on possibly pursuing both history, and mathematics. The strength of Cornell's School of Arts and Sciences' history program in the ancient, medieval, and modern European history is highly appealing to me due to my desire to acquire more knowledge in the area of European history. The ability of engaging in accredited independent research is of high interest to me due to my passion for research. As for the research I plan on doing in the area of mathematics if given chance would be in the established topics of Logical, and Statistical research, which would allow me to cultivate the beginning for further studies in business.

Undergraduate / Carmelo Anthony/ alumni & fans of SU/ Choice of Academic fields; Syracuse Supplement [6]

Please critique and discuss these supplemental questions
Questions: 1. Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
2. Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
3. If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
4. Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities
with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences
you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

Answers
1. My first impression of Syracuse University came through watching the interview of my favorite basketball player Carmelo Anthony. Although his interview was more related to the athletics of the school, it nonetheless sparked an interest in me. The proud spirit displayed by the alumni and fans of the Syracuse University sports impressed me. Upon researching about the University of Syracuse I became enamored by the fact that it is a school that not only offers strong sports teams, but also strong academics. The abundance of academic fields that Syracuse University provides is one of the significant influencing factors on my decision, because of my varied interests, and desire to pursue knowledge in more than one field.

2. I dream of becoming a person free in his economic abilities, and in his actions. Syracuse University will help me achieve that goal with its broad spectrum of offered academic fields. In this manner, Syracuse University will not box me into a single category, and will give me an opportunity to pursue the academic interests that fit me.

3. Although I have not had an official paid work experience, I did help out as a waiter in my father's restaurant. This experience helped me in substantial ways as it improved my interacting skills in the regard of a consumer seller relations. This experience also taught me the basic etiquette of a restaurant setting. Furthermore, I have gained knowledge in the workings, and the details of the restaurant business, as I was helping my father to market the restaurant as well.

4. I appreciate the commitment of the Syracuse University to provide its students with as much real-life experience as possible. My interests in the areas of history and business make the idea of studying overseas through "Study Abroad" program extremely intriguing. I would like to spend semesters abroad in order to further my knowledge in the history, and the business etiquette of varying regions of the world.

Undergraduate / 'Capital of the World with potential interships' - WHY NYU ? [8]

Please critique my first draft

1. Why NYU New York campus

It is the gateway to all of the cultures, lifestyles, and peoples of the world. Unofficially called the "Capital of the World" the city of New York stands as one of the greatest in the history of mankind. The city of New York enhances the NYU experience by providing students with potential internships, and careers in some of the most prestige companies in the world. For a history enthusiast the city of New York provides abundant tools to explore the world of history with the many excellent museums present in the city, and its historic ethnic neighborhoods which provide one with view into the past. Thus, the City of New York would combine with NYU in order to provide an ultimate real world experience.

I will upload the other question later

Undergraduate / (Study history / Video games) - NYU essays [5]

2.NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve
their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a deï-nitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic

interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses.

A special academic interest of mine has for a long time been the study of history. Ever since picking up a book on ancient Roman history in the elementary school I have been fascinated by the ways of the past. With the strong major program present in NYU in history I would love to participate in the advanced European history courses and the seminars on the Eurasian history due to my interest in the European history, and my heritage pertaining to the Eurasian history. If presented with the opportunity I would also like to participate in the editing of the "Historian" journal which serves to be the oldest undergraduate history journal in the United States of America. The commitment of NYU to its global network is fascinating to me, as I wish to further my education on the European history by taking the course on French Revolution and Napoleon through the Global Study program located in Paris, France, as I would also like to take the course on the history of contemporary Latin America in Buenos Aires. Although history is my major academic interest, I also possess interests in other areas as well. Because of the variety of courses offered at NYU, other than history I would also like to explore the fields of mathematics, and economics by taking courses in these fields, and I would also possibly attempt to minor in economics as well.

3.What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientiï-c achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a ï-lm, book,

performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its signiï-cance to you.

Whenever I am somewhat free, one my favorite hobbies is to play video games. However, the one that always takes away my breath is the franchise of "Assassin's Creed". As the saying goes "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", so in that sense while many people see it as simply a violent video game to me it is much more than that. As a history nut, "Assassin's Creed" games let me appreciate the beauty of ancient cities such as Jerusalem, Rome, or Istanbul vividly rendered in the games. Although not fully accurate, "Assassin's Creed" games offer an interesting spin on the history that we know and in the end divulges into the moral issues present in the game. The main moral question posed in the game is should people commit lesser evil for the greater good? This question pits the order of the Assassins against the order of the Templar. Although, both want peace for all humanity the Assassins want it in a very anarchic way as they believe every individual should have full freedom to do what he wants, while the Templars go about their business in a very totalitarian manner desiring to control people into peace. Although I obviously understand that this is simply a game, and I don't agree with deciding who is worthy of death and who is not, the games of "Assassin's Creed" series have given me many issues to ponder about as these events could serve as a parallel to the modern world. Would one be right in killing a dictator, or is it not right to kill no matter who it is?

Undergraduate / Small class size/ excellent academics / networking/ future careers; WHY UCHICAGO? [4]

University of Chicago's commitment to an interaction-based learning greatly fascinates me. With small class sizes and emphasis on the discussions between the students and the professors University of Chicago creates a free thinking atmosphere that truly lets its students express their passions. As a research institution the University of Chicago also provides its students with sufficient resources to explore their academic interests. Some of these resources include grand libraries containing 8.5 million books, opportunities to participate in research with fellow graduates and professors, and access to the national renowned laboratories of Argonne, and Fermilab as well as Medical Center of University of Chicago. University of Chicago also offers its students tools to pursue their education in foreign countries, as the institution has partnerships throughout the world, while also having full centers in Beijing and Paris.

Aside from excellent academics the University of Chicago also provides its students with close campus experience, and a foundation for future careers. University of Chicago prides itself on its closely knit student body which bonds in its residence halls. Judging from student reviews the bright student body present in the residence halls of UChicago is very co-operative and usually bonds by studying, and coping with the rigors of college together. As an avid fan of sports I find house traditions such as Graham and Henderson very appealing, and I also appreciate the friendly rivalry that is present in the intramural sports of UChicago. With its location in the megapolis of Chicago and social networks UChicago is one of the best institutions that prepares its students into real world. Living in a city such as Chicago will undoubtedly open up internship opportunities for the students of UChicago and thus let them explore the real world, and decide whether they are truly interested in their career choices.

Undergraduate / Insecurity, Fear, Jealousy - UChicago / HUMAN CONFLICTS [4]

Conflict is a part of the human nature. No matter how hard people try to achieve peace among themselves, conflicts remain a crucial part of our lives. Whether it is a fight over toys you had as a four year old, or a heated argument that stemmed from a stolen parking space everybody has had conflicts, and enemies in their lives.

I am no different as I remember having conflicts (sometimes violent) with my peers ever since kindergarten. Soon, however my enemies became not only people that I conflicted with, but also those people that I felt either bested me in any sort of competition, or got what I believed was rightfully mine. As I grew older I began to realize that for some reason all of my enemies have been very similar between themselves, and so I began to wonder why there was such a commonality.

Whenever judging my opponents I would always try to find faults within them, in my mind I thought that it was their faults that caused them to conflict with me. However as I started to look closer I realized that the issues which were bothering me were present within me, and not my enemies. Realizing that everything that is going in my life is the product of my own actions I began to look for answers within myself. What I found changed my life forever.

I began to understand that it were my own mental weaknesses that created conflicts in my life. My lack of composure and self-confidence has caused me to react very immaturely to simple remarks which I now just ignore. Fear of individuals that I did not know has also created many conflicts in my life that should not have been started in the first place. My feelings of jealousy would often cloud my judgement and cause me to bear animosity towards those that performed better than me in various competitions, instead of understanding that I haven't worked enough to reach my goal, I would often believe that there was some sort of "injustice" done to me.

While there are obviously some conflicts that happen regardless of the person's actions, I began to accept the fact that most of the conflicts have stemmed from myself and that they could have been easily prevented. Not only have I accepted this philosophy when dealing with conflicts in my life, I also began applying this pattern of thinking to my general life, I now believe that the world that you live is the product of your own thoughts and actions.

I realize that I have no "enemies" in individuals, rather it is my own feelings of insecurity, fear, and jealousy that I have to overcome as a person. Although I am not perfect and I still sometimes let my emotions get the best of me, applying the philosophy that I have created for my myself has helped me tremendously, and not only resulted in a lower amount of conflicts, but also in a higher emotional satisfaction.