Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - critique content/style [3]

Hi Li, I have to say, your writing style is quite humorous and allows the reader to get to know you in a very lighthearted manner. The letter to your roommate was hilarious and could almost be imagined by the reader as the story would unfold in your dorm room. However, I think that you should also tell your roommate about how you do manage to wake yourself up in the morning. Just so the person will know what to expect in case you have some eccentric morning ritual they should be aware of.

As for the second response. It would be nice if you could find a way to merge the two things that matter most to you in a method that shows these two lines of learning have merged into the person you have become. That way, the reasons as to why these matter take on a more solid and coherent personality in a character trait of yours. That would certainly show that what matters to you is the person you have evolved into because of these interests. In my opinion, the stories you shared don't really give much strength to your beliefs as dictated by the anime story and Jon Stewart. Rather, the story should be about your vision for your future and how these lessons that you learned helped you come to that conclusion. After all, it is the conclusion that matters the most :-)

Undergraduate / Suffering from Bipolar Disorder - mental health of my father. What shaped me as a person. [2]

Aisha, the reason why you got lost in the middle part of the essay is because you tried to explain too many aspects of your background at once. In writing any effective statement, it is always best that you choose the most important topic for you to concentrate on discussing. This means choosing the 2 most closely related parts of your background to portray in the essay. So in this case, it would have to be your father's disorder and how it affected your family. Leave the community out of it.

Try to focus on the direct relation of the incidents to your development as a person. You can revise the introduction to start with the fact that you had to move homes because of his disorder. You don't really need to define the disorder for the reader. The real center of the story is how you had to move homes because of the bipolar problem. Your story is interesting and engaging to tell. Work on tightening it and making sure that the focus does not move from you as the center of the story. Be sure that you present how this experience helped shape the person you have become by explaining the lessons you learned from the experience. That is what the reader would like to learn more about towards the end of the story.

Undergraduate / Naval Academy Admissions Essay, need another set of eyes to see what I may not have! [2]

Hi Josh, I feel that your essay is both good and bad in the sense that it clearly responds to the second prompt but does not accurately portray how the navy can help you achieve your long term goals. Your response to the first prompt is really quite vague and long winded. I believe that this particular section of your essay can do with a little more extra work. For example, rather than vaguely telling the reader about the opportunities that the navy offers a graduate or a student, explain certain interests that you have which will have a chance of growing or being enhanced by your studies at the naval academy. The idea is to show them that you have a clear career path in mind, using their in-house educational system. That way, you can truly represent your ideas and how the naval academy education seamlessly integrates into those plans to make them a reality.

Undergraduate / How my mom changed my life, childhood to adulthood [4]

Amanda, I think you need to focus your essay more on the story of how your mother's illness jump started your entrance into adulthood. Always remember that the center of the essay must never deviate from the main character, namely, you. If you review the first part of your essay, your mother is actually the focal point. So when you start to talk about yourself, you constantly refer back to her illness, which should not be the case. I think fixing the introduction should work well in this instance. For example I would say something like:

In the summer of 2011, my mother suffered from a Myocarditis. As she fought for her life at the hospital, I fought to help my father keep my family together. This was a turning point in my life. This was the time when all my life experiences converged to help me develop into an adult.

Then you can tell the story of everything that you did while your mother was in the hospital. Close it with her return home and the main lesson that you learned that made you feel like you were an adult now. By telling the story this way, I really think that you can keep the focus on yourself as the main character.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay, "My Fathers Killer" [4]

Hi Dominique ! Listen, I really liked the story that you had to share with the readers. It was really engrossing and gave us an insight into a life that was affected by drug use. However, I have a sense that the story lot its way towards the end. You spoke of looking for signs that your father was watching over you but you did not follow through on it. Did you ever receive the sign you were looking for? Also, the latter part of the story told us about how you have tried to repair yourself from the damage that the event created. Can you somehow include some information about an interest in drug prevention and abuse into it? That is, if you participate in such activities. I mention this only because the essay asks you to show that your life would be incomplete without this event. So, I would assume that you would have taken an interest in prevention activities because of the way your own family life was affected by drug use. It seems like a normal transition or part of the story because you called the addiction your father's killer. As such, you should have some strong feelings about either preventing it from happening to someone else or a family member, or bringing the killer to justice somehow. Like, did your family go after the drug pusher? What happened after that? Or if you did not go after the pusher / killer, why was that decision made and how did it affect your family and your life? These are some of the questions that, if answered, I feel would relate more towards the title and introductory paragraph of your essay.

Undergraduate / Passed away parent college essay [2]

Leigha, I sense a disconnect between the main focus of your essay and its content. Your opening statement was very strong towards helping the veterans and the latter part said that you want to help the veterans who do not receive any healthcare. Yet your actions towards helping veterans this early, their connection to your actual ambition and how you hope to help them in the future cannot be seen nor felt in the other parts of the essay. If you give helping the veterans as the main core of your essay, then it should be a continuous process seen throughout the essay. Even as you speak of your other activities, you need to connect those to your desire to help the soldiers in need. Otherwise, you seem to be trying to tell two stories at once within the essay. The essay is good, but it needs to be improved in order to become better. Focus on a single story you want to tell and make sure you thoroughly develop that part of your essay in order to create a well written statement.

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay Prompt2 --Princess Charming (Not exactly finished) [7]

Jasmine, try to collect your thoughts and focus on the true center of the story. The reader should be learning about the outcome of the failed volleyball game. The lessons that you learned from it, and how it helped you evolve into a better person. That said, your story seems to be all over the place at this point. So you failed to help your team score a point during the first half of the game. How did that affect the final score? Did the team lose? Were you the cause of the failure of the team to win the game? Explain why you feel it was your fault. What happened after that? Discussing your birthday deviates from the topic. I don't really feel like there was a lesson to be learned from this failure because it sounds like you gave up during the game. As a failure, you should have learned something from it. Probably something like "I decided to concentrate on learning the language instead because that is what I was good at." or something along those lines.

The rest of the essay sounds more like you did give up on something. There was no sense of you gaining a lesson from the event and using it to help better your future somehow. So when you say "Thank you for not giving up", the story doesn't relay the same message from my point of view. The rest of the information you provide about travel around Germany and the like do not relate to the story you told so it doesn't help to move your story along. In fact, it deviates from the topic and creates a secondary story that does not manage to tie in with the first story towards the end.

Scholarship / British university graduate - my essay for Chevening scholarship [5]

Madouh, Have you given any thought to actually developing a career plan that would fully utilize a partnership with the British groups as part of your long term career goal? I was thinking along the lines of having you mention a specific British group in general, rather than one that is part of an organized effort or as common as the Red Cross or Red Crescent Partnership. Consider if you will, what you hope to accomplish for Syria in terms of recovery and development. I am sure it relates to your chosen profession right? So find the specific British group that can work with you and lay out your plan for working with them for the good of Syria. That way your long term goal becomes something tangible. It tells the reviewer that you are actually looking forward to making a real difference in the long term pursuit of rebuilding your country. As of now, all you have are general ideas that sound nice on paper, but in terms of execution, remains wanting. So if you have at least a solid long term goal to present, in terms of cooperation at least, then your essay will have a more solid presentation of your future plans. Basically, what you should present looks something like this:

Plan + Partnership + idea for execution = Solution to an existing long term problem in Syria

Undergraduate / 'Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs.' NOV 1 help in editing.... [9]

Shivani, before we edit the content of your essay, we first have to fix the content. There are some instances of lacking information that need to be filled in before this essay can be ready for editing. For example, instead of saying you were in Grade 7, instead tell the reader your age and if you were still living in the Terai region or, if not, say where you were living and if the same traditions applied in that area. You said you lived in the Terai region till the age of 8, but to be in grade 7, you should be around 12 or 13. Remember to provide accurate information in the essay.

Also, I believe that the following quote lessens the impact of the lines that come after it:


Like I said, mention your age right at the beginning of the paragraph, then immediately jump into the way that you felt after hearing the conversation. The paragraph will have a stronger impact if you adjust the content in that manner. It will also keep the essay interesting because you do not spend too much time creating a setting that isn't really relevant to the essay content.

The rest of the essay is alright content-wise as far as I can tell. Those are the parts that just need to be edited along with the rest of the revised essay in order to create a smoother narrative for your essay.

Writing Feedback / The Power of Negative Thinking by Tomas Chamorro-premuzic [2]

... research F or almost a decade between REGARDING people's perception on OF their abilities
... true abilities to do something in 40 nations across the world.
...there were least WAS LITTLE relations between confidence and competent COMPETENCE.
...70% of people ARE overconfidence OVERCONFIDENT.
benefits of FROM being overconfidence OVERCONFIDENT based on recent p Psychology publications ...
First, it is feel good for people A PERSON to imagine [sthemselves HIMSELF as ...
... these misconceptionS may BE useful to help IN HELPING others.

... are several dire NEGATIVE effects STEMMING FROM of overconfidence ...
... ON PEOPLE such as gamblers and people...
Overconfidence has IS also linked ...
people with obesity issueS or their addiction on TO smoking ...
... low confidence for the personal advantages and for other's benefit THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS.
... confidence is AN essential factor for people to remains humble...

Undergraduate / Description about me as a personal statement [9]

Nguyen, I cleaned up the essay for you and cleaned up the grammar to make it sound more professional. I hope the changes work for you.

To be honest, I enjoy making new friends and helping people to WHICH IN TURN, broaden ...
In some situations, I am a determined student; I will pursuit PURSUE my final goals till I obtain them SUCCEED, no matter how ...
In addition, I can co-operate WORK well with other ...
HAVING LIVED Been living with my family...
to study abroad is a reckless move and I could turn my life to a new page WILL HELP ME WRITE A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.

... receptionist so I gained LIFE LESSONS that I COULD NOT BE was not taught in class ...
... I can improveD my personality from them .
Being aware of the truth that I BELIEVE THAT A book is a priceless treasurE...
... reading them whenever I have ...
I think I have stayed in my comfort zone too long, it is high time for me to step out. I will catch GRAB ...
Once I receive it COMPLETE MY STUDIES, I will HAVE polishED my understanding in OF NE ...
have some minor contributions THE ABILITY TO CONTRIBUTE to the development of Nuclear Power in my country.

Writing Feedback / Why are group study sessions more helpful and efficient than studying alone? [6]

Rick, it sounds to me like you were supposed to write a comparison essay based upon the title that includes versus (vs.) in the title. This implies a comparison is to be done in the essay. Therefore, your essay should have followed the structure as follows: 1 Introduction (that includes your choice or side supported) , 1 discussion paragraph opposing your stand, 1 paragraph supporting your stand, then a summation in the form of a conclusion. In this instance, you only supported one side and thoroughly discussed that aspect of your essay. However, even in a persuasive essay, you need to discuss both sides in order to successfully persuade the reader or, as in this case, present a convincing comparison essay.

The overall content of the essay is well discussed and supported. You made a convincing discussion supporting your side. You understood the prompt and knew exactly what you wished to say. Those are the positive aspects of your essay that made it strong. It's weakness, lies in its one sided discussion of the prompt provided.

Undergraduate / 'Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs.' NOV 1 help in editing.... [9]

Shivani, I'll help you edit the content of the essay first. I think we can make it shorter and more interesting. Let me know if you have any problems following the editing I am posting below.

And the imagery was not just enough to speak the misery ...
For, w While residing there, I had witnessed THE WEDDING OF one of my friends, Nima, getting married. AS PER HINDU TRADITION TO A 30 YEAR OLD MAN.

She was dressed elegantly in [...] married as per the Hindu traditions...
Seven years later, my family had already migrated to Kathmandu.
The summer of my 7th grade, I was THIRTEEN AND spending ... playing treasure hunt with my elder OLDER BROTHER. ...
I was hell bent on finding the coin one day as pin ... While playing I overheard someone ...
The eagerness inside me thought [...] my dad replied my grandfather...
"I don't care. My daughter has bigger dreams." MY DAD REPLIED.
Shocked at the conversation. Content [...] -resembling the grey sky outside. The
MY size said I was 13 but MY looks spoke SAID I WAS much older.
... about my community and myself. MY FUTURE BASED UPON MY COMMUNITY'S SOCIAL NORMS...
... I promised myself to THAT I WOULD help girls ...
...to stand out on TO FULFILL my father's ...
... started WORKING WITH Hoste Hainse...
... work harder in ON my academics...
... was ,indeed, hard ... my father was absolutely right ...
Perhaps my community was proud that day.
Because in IN my community, THE minds never impedeS THE girls ... but the mindset does, .
I have an MY ultimate ambition IS to make a change ...
Hope for a transformative [...] education. Acceptance at Princeton.

-----

You don't really need that last line about acceptance at Princeton. It doesn't relate to the prompt requirements so I removed it from the essay.

Undergraduate / 'Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs.' NOV 1 help in editing.... [9]

I see some parts that can be switched around in order to create a better flow for your essay. Try to make:
The source of my inspiration- Madhesi community and its unexpected challenges ... , my ultimate ambition is to make a change ...
the start of the paragraph that currently begins with:
That very night, I promised that I would help girls who were married off early...
In my opinion, this set up better provides an insight into your strength of character, future plans, and conviction in your beliefs.

With that in mind, I also believe that changing your first paragraph from a description of your hometown to the wedding you witnessed would better open the essay. The opening paragraph, in my opinion doesn't really tie-in with the rest of the essay so it can be rewritten for better impact or relation to the essay content. I think these changes can better organize your content. Let's see if these changes work for you before we try to organize the minor details.

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay Prompt2 --Princess Charming (Not exactly finished) [7]

Hi Jasmine, I know that I will be offering unsolicited advice here but I'd like to try and help you get the refection part written. Now that I know what you are trying to write about, I believe that I can offer you more relevant advice. There is actually a writing process that you should go through in order to better develop your reflection paper and it starts with narrowing down your discussion points. That means you have to choose the 2 connected experiences in your life and explain how it affected your development as a person through the lessons you learned.

With regards to your Germany experience, I feel that you should totally omit the volleyball story because it does not have an ending that relates to your story. It is actually open ended at this point. There is no conclusion to it. For a better and more relevant discussion, I would suggest concentrating on the discussion regarding your learning how to speak in German. This is a topic that you can better connect to your American experience

If you opt to discuss the difficulties that you had in learning German, then somehow, manage to relate that experience with a specific event that happened to you in the U.S. , something that shows how your perseverance (never give up) attitude was enhanced in the U.S. by your previous experience, then the essay should be more reflective of your learning experience.

Trying to pile in different types of information into your essay is what is holding you back from clearly reflecting the requirements of the essay. Just use one or two (related) experiences as the foundation of your essay and things should come easier for you in terms of developing your reflection essay.

Undergraduate / Description about me as a personal statement [9]

I'm not sure what you mean about the omission parts. How can I help you with it? Here's what I'd like you to do just so I can get a clear picture of the work that needs to be done. Edit your existing essay using the revisions I am suggesting. Read it over. Try to identify the parts that you feel you still need to work on and do what you can to improve it. Then post the revised essay here so that we can review it together for editing purposes. We should be able to identify the omitted parts or other areas for improvement if you edit the paper that way.

Right now, the paper should be in an almost usable form for you. I can't really tell if you want to add any information or remove / reduce the content of the paper until I see the new version that will come from you. In my opinion, the last paragraph of the essay that talks about you staying in your comfort zone too long doesn't help the essay. This essay should center upon your personality as in your strengths and weaknesses as a person. It should not discuss plans for your future because that does not help to describe the person you are. Maybe you can try to rewrite that part? Remember, a descriptive essay is most effective when it shows your strengths and your weaknesses. Most specially, when you discuss how you manage to overcome your perceived weakness. That creates a balanced descriptive personal statement.

Writing Feedback / Overweight mothers give birth to biologically older babies [2]

This summary is full of problems. Part of the problem with your work is that you use the wrong terms and descriptions within the essay. I can see that you understand the meaning of the word you want to use. Now, all you have to do is connect the right term with the right meaning. Let me show you those problems:

Woman WOMEN (PLURAL FORM)who are obeses (THE SINGULAR AND PLURAL FORM ARE THE SAME FOR THIS WORD)
while pregnant having impact which related to the their babies healty IMPACT THEIR UNBORN CHILD'S HEALTH.
There is big A corelation CO-RELATION between overweight
... is their babies ageing 10 years older FASTER than ...
babies sceptible get more deseas ARE MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO GENETIC ILLNESSES from their mother,...

... is A corelation CO-RELATION between people biologicals HUMAN BIOLOGICAL and telomeres lingking to the DNA. BIOLOGICAL MAKEUP, TELOMERES, AND THEIR DNA.
... team of researchS DISCOVERED FASCINATING INFORMATION invent fascinating finding that ...
women expected 10 years older HAD BABIES THAT AGED 10 YEARS FASTER than the babies ...
it causes that the fat in our body can prompt the inflammation, and give reactive chemicals can threatening cells and shorten telomeres.
BODY FAT CAN CAUSE INFLAMMATION AND CAUSE AN INTERNAL CHEMICAL REACTION THAT THREATENS CELLS AND SHORTENS TELOMERES.

Now, you also have a problem with the way you state the facts in your summary. The original article contains data that is not included, but is very important in this summary. When summarizing factual or data evident work, you must always include the numbers / percentages when you write your summary. These digits help to create a more informative summary and also gives it a more authoritative stance. Since your current work lacks those information, then the work cannot be considered to be an actual informative summary.

Undergraduate / Description about me as a personal statement [9]

I don't really see a need for you to say "To be honest" as part of your descriptive sentence. It is not like you were lying about something in the previous statement or, that you were unsure about something you said. So just stating the description will be sufficient enough. The term doesn't really help convey anything additional about you so it really isn't necessary in this instance. You already said that you enjoy making friends, the next sentence is just part of that description. It is a supporting sentence that makes more sense when you omit the unnecessary phrase "To be honest."

As for the alternative, yes, I do believe that we can work on something additional for that paragraph. Now that I have the prompt to refer to as the basis of your essay content, I would like you to do something extra in that final paragraph if you don't mind. You have a pretty good opening starting with "I will grab this chance offered by UNIST to study Masters in Nuclear Engineering (NE)." . Right after that sentence, expand upon the goal that you have for yourself by studying at UNIST. What possible dream or ambition do you have either career-wise or personally that will be helped by your studies there. For example, if it is something about harnessing nuclear energy for another purpose than the creation of electricity, mention it. Explain it as thoroughly as you can so that you can present a clear career goal. I realize that you would rather remain vague at this point because you probably don't have any idea as to what your actual goal is. When responding to a statement like this though, you should take a few days to try and think about what your career goal might be and present it. It is a must because it proves that you have a focus and clear desire to complete the course.

Undergraduate / "Time really flies by" - My personality and future goals [2]

Sabrina, your essay seems to have deviated from the main focus of the essay towards the latter part. There is really no sense in discussing the university, its course offerings, and opportunities in such a manner. Rather, you should be indicating how you plan to use their offerings to help you achieve your goals. Perhaps you have an interest in an internship program? Or an exchange student program that can assist you in solidifying your future goals? Whatever it is that you want to discuss as one of the main reasons you are focused on attending this university should always have a relation or lead back to a discussion of your future goals. That is one of the focal points of this essay and should be clearly represented. Right now, that part of the essay sounds more like a statement that is made when enticing a student to attend the university. Try to focus more on your goal of becoming a successful marketing director. Talk about your plans regarding how to achieve that. What is the end goal aside from simply getting the position? You can strengthen your discussion by explaining why this goal is very important for you to achieve. Don't leave the explanation to just a few empty sentences.

Undergraduate / I want to bring my creativity and diversity to Yale because Yale is the right place for me. [4]

Chizy, the essay really sounds good at this point. You have really thought about the reasons why you wish to attend Yale. However, I feel that the work can be further improved if you mention when you first gave thought to attending Yale. What were you doing when you first heard about the university and its programs? How does this relate to your future goals? When I think of the question "Why does Yale appeal to you?" I think of my future and the goals that I have for myself. Goals that Yale can help me achieve. So instead of just mentioning a "real world focus", mention instead what focus that will be. So I think that, if you wish to, you can revise the first couple of sentences in your response to reflect when you first heard about Yale, your future goals, and how the Yale experience can help you make that goal a reality. Those are the reasons why Yale appeals to you. Don't discuss what you have to offer Yale as that is not being asked for in the essay and just takes away precious word count that can be used strengthening other aspects of your statement. Concentrate on creating a stronger response to the question.

Letters / A Letter of Recommendation From My Research Adviser--M.S. Program Application. How To Revise It? [3]

Hi Yang, this is what I came up with in terms of necessary corrections to your paper.

I'm writing to support Bowen Yang for applying to admission ...

... Students Research Training Program (SRTP) for around a year, I can attest TO his ability in research and his leadership in a team, which ... I CAN ATTEST TO HIS LEADERSHIP ABILITIES.

In the year 2014, with the recommendation of his peer, Bowen contacted me to be involved in my research lab [...] I had a simple conversation with him and

... So I asked my PhD student Lina to guide [...] which was a normal phenomenon for beginners.
- THERE IS NO SENSE IN MENTIONING SOMEONE ELSE IN THIS LINE. FOCUS ON YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE TEAM EFFORTS ALONE. THIS IS NOT A NARRATIVE, THIS IS A RECOMMENDATION LETTER. FOCUS ON YOUR SKILLS.

In DURING his junior year, a year with heavy tasks and courses,
... in DURING the evening and weekends.

... and I happened to see the lab was light-he was analyzing experimental statistics through Matlab, not aware of my passing by.
- WHAT EXTRAORDINARY THING HAPPENED THAT HE NEEDED TO MENTION THIS INCIDENT? IF NOTHING HAPPENED THEN REMOVE THE REFERENCE.

... committee and not surprised for me, they won the first prize in the Beijing-Level program conclusion.

...In return to his endeavor,
AS A RESULT OF HIS HARD WORK, two papers collected b...
... preparation of the material could not be neglected. WAS DULY RECOGNIZED IN THE PUBLISHED WORK.

These qualities combined above makes him a qualified candidate in your FOR YOUR program admission ...

Writing Feedback / This Baby Got Herpes After Being Kissed By a Stranger (Article Summary) [2]

Fauzan, it looks like the summary is informative but in need of grammar correction in order to make it sound more professional. Let's see if I can help you clean this up.

Cold sore is common HUMAN disease of human nowadays which caused by THE herpes virus type-1. Data from THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION (WHO)
- Always tell the reader the full name of the organization, then place the acronym, and from that point, you can start using just the acronym alone. This is to ensure that the reader knows what the acronym stands for and how it is connected to the article.

... adults have HAD herpes simplex type 1... and not A really dangerous threat for adultS but it is a disaster for baby BABIES.
- Be consistent in using either singular or plural form. You can't use both in a sentence.

THE Body system of babies have ARE not ready enough PREPARED to battle with this THE virus.
Once they get BABIES CAN GET this virus from interaction especially SUCH AS kissing . , THE NEGATIVE HEALTH EFFECTS ON BABIES ARE THE the baby will gets the risk to get OF brain and liver damage. However, THAT IS WHY we need to keep newborn baby BABIES stay away from THE KISSES kissing of people even IF they... and ARE do not suffering from this illness.

Scholarship / Ideas on Scholarship essay - your plans for the future. [9]

Hi Nethiyaa, it seems to me like the essay is asking you to pick 3 career paths based upon your interests or the college degree that you completed. You see, for each college or university that you choose to discuss in your essay, you should be able to justify your interest in the university through a connection with a future career path. So the essay, in my opinion, or rather, an example of your essay should look something like this:

1. I am interested in attending Le Cordon Bleu because of its well known Pastry program. In the future, I plan to become a pastry chef and.....

2. The classes at the Culinary Arts Institute appeal to me because, should I fail to become a pastry chef, my other plan is to open a restaurant...

3. The thought of attending Kendall College of Culinary Arts became obvious to me as a culinary graduate because of their...

Notice that all of the courses relate to that of a culinary major entering into masters degree studies. That is how it should be approached. Setting out 3 different career paths, which all happen to be related to a branch of your college degree. That will make it easier for you to write the statement because all of the topics go back to your completed degree and related work , academic, or internship experiences.

Graduate / SOP: applying for Masters in Big Data. [2]

Hi Karthick, I think that your essay needs to be shortened. You have so many portions that don't really matter to the reader of the essay because it does not concentrate on the purpose of your interest in applying for the course. What I would like to do is have you revise your essay in such a manner that it tightens the content and concentrates on the development and purpose of the interest that you have. My suggestions for the actual content of your essay is as follows:

Even though I am an Electrical Engineering graduate, I understand the importance of effective data handling... As Mr. W. Edwards Deming says "... 93% of companies to improve customer experience...advantage of their asset.

... industry propelled me to accept ... where I have worked on major components of ... I also delivered work related to the use of ... During this time, I also concentrated on gaining and receiving my Oracle Implementation Specialist Certification.

... decision making, which solidified my decision to concentrate my future focus of learning on Big Data Computing Science. I strongly believe that Simon Fraser University has the best program related to Big Data and Analytics and offers me the best opportunity to learn and advance in my chosen field.

I hope that I was able to clearly show you or give you an idea as to how to edit your essay for clarity and immediate presentation of purpose.

Scholarship / Letter of Motivation - ErasmusMundus Scholarship - MS in BDMA [3]

Hi Saleha. I believe that the first part that you wrote in the essay does not relate at all to your personal motivation for wanting to undergo MS studies. It sounds like information that is best presented in a personal statement or background essay, not a motivation letter. Your essay should be busy presenting your college achievements or professional experience that create the foundation for the belief that your career path in the future will benefit from your MS studies in BDMA. I think the essay should start by saying instead that you graduated with a degree in Computer Engineering as that immediately informs the reader that your chosen career is something you have planned from the start and is not an unrelated career switch for you.

In terms of your experience, always mention the company you worked for. Don't be so vague as to simply say that you worked at a software house. The name of the company also adds credence to your claim regarding your motivation for higher studies in the field. Also, you don't have to inform the reader that you are applying for the scholarship. That is a given since you are writing these essays as part of the application. You would not be writing this essay if you weren't applying. Stating the obvious doesn't move your essay forward.

Basically, you need to just edit the essay for length and content. I believe that the advice I have given you can start you off on the right track towards that.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master - 'to help develop my country, Yemen and the world' [5]

Sanaa, your essay is really well thought out and developed. In fact, it is a little bit over developed because it lost its way, in terms of keeping on track of your motivation after the fourth paragraph. My opinion, is that the first four paragraphs of your essay are quite strong in terms of its ability to properly present your motivation for further studies in this field. It not only presents the basis for your motivation in terms of your past work, but also accurately represents your motivation in terms of your future growth as a professional. It is refreshing to read a motivation letter that requires only minor editing (in terms of length and substance) and grammar correction in order to polish the content into a final, usable essay.

The last 2 paragraphs don't really work for the essay because it already talks about what you expect to experience as a student involved in the program and the exposure / immersion you hope to enjoy as a foreign student in the country. Those types of information are in no way related to your academic motivation to become part of the program. I believe that is part of your the social motivation which should not be part of this academic motivation letter. All that you speak of in these paragraphs are already a given or an expected part of the learning experience and doesn't necessarily have to be pointed out in your motivation letter. Again, that is just my opinion so I hope you consider it.

Writing Feedback / Why do you think people decide to go to school? Use specific reasons and examples. [5]

Rick, you have shown a very good understanding of the prompt that was given. The essay you presented followed the format to the letter and in the process, you achieved a well discussed and presented written piece. However, there are a number of grammatical errors present that should be addressed in order to beef up the presentation of the work.

In the contemporary society, the number of all types of schools even including , colleges a...
Schools are considered to be good places for children to learn ...
As what was just said, there THERE are a variety of good ...
Among those reasons, I would like to point out THE two greatest advantages of schools that can be offered to many individuals, not only just children...

... for people , including children ...
... be improved and thereby SO THAT students are able to understand and get GAIN a better perception of how others think about a particular topic .

... interactive class activities usually caused TAUGHT by their teachers or instructors. Basically all of them are recommended THE STUDENTS ARE ENCOURAGED to form a group ...

From this exercise, people will become aware of how to efficiently perform AS a team work .
... gain in valuable benefits ...

... to schools simply for basic academic education. Schools are known for their generous helping in terms ...
... those but also teach them practically PRACTICAL LESSONS THAT CAN BE USED IN EVERYDAY LIFE; ...

... schools are AN integral part of people'S life LIVES because interpersonal ...
... and basic education can support HELP someone early in their childhood to discover their true talents.
... however, IS the amount ... each of student putS into their ...

Undergraduate / 'Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs.' NOV 1 help in editing.... [9]

Try to revise the opening paragraph to provide a better opening statement. I think it works better if you open by saying:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 10, I had to see my mother in the hospital for one whole year ... married at the early age.

I thought of adding a few sentences to what would become your second paragraph. I think it should be revised to say:
I almost became a child bride myself at the age of 13, when my grandfather insisted I must be married offer but my father thought otherwise. He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. He wanted me to have the freedom to choose my husband even though my parents were a result of an advanced marriage themselves. The day I overheard the conversation between my father and grandfather, and considering what had happened to my mother, I became determined that in the days to come...

Then close it with:
I like to think I have already started my journey....

You can remove the phrase you closed the essay with because it doesn't really have a meaning that can properly close the essay. See if this works for you and it it does, you can further develop it.

Undergraduate / Description about me as a personal statement [9]

Here are the corrections that I suggest you apply to your work:

...My aim is to polish my knowledge I acquired during my academic years in THE university and to perceive GAIN new perspectives of NE ... programs in OFFERED BY UNIST. Particularly,

I desire to be BECOME competent ENOUGH to design a real reactor by THROUGH neutron behavior analyzing ANALYSIS.
... it is HAS BECOME necessary for me to study coding and METHODS OF simulating A reactor core. Doubtlessly, by reason of WITH THE HELP AND the assistance of professors ... achieve those skills with no obstacles. WITHOUT DELAY OR ENCUMBRANCE

In brief, UNIST education programs [...] as well as personality there.

The last line is not necessary in my opinion. You already stated that in the earlier parts in better detail.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master - 'to help develop my country, Yemen and the world' [5]

Sanaa, I think you need to be more specific about the last paragraph since it is also an important part of the essay try to be more specific towards the activities that you look forward to doing. For example, when you mention going back home with 4 languages learned, why don't you mention what languages those are? Would you consider talking about what you already know about the culture of the country where you hope to gain the scholarship? Remember, your enjoyment of the cultural experience will also depend upon the specific interests you have in the country you will be living in.

Normally students dream of studying in a particular country because of their interest in the culture and traditions of the country. They know that by studying there, they will also fulfill their dream of getting to know more about the culture that intrigues them. So I think that the last paragraph needs to be more definitive in content by relaying certain specific information about the culture that you look forward to gaining more knowledge about. That is, aside from the academic experience. The last paragraph should be all about how you will unwind and relax and have a different learning experience.

Undergraduate / Moving to America and getting more freedom [5]

I'm not sure what you mean to explain based upon the title of your essay. The title gives the implication that you were restricted in movement and freedom in India. The restrictions that held you back were not related at all in the essay aside from you saying that your brother had more freedom than you did. What restrictions were these? The essay could be improved, based upon the title, if you explained what the restrictions upon you were in the first two paragraphs of the essay. Then, you could have done a comparison of those restrictions compared to the implied freedom that you enjoyed in America. Right now, you clearly explain your freedom in the new country, but did not really explain why you felt that you were experiencing freedom when compared to your previous life. For example, you can say, "As a woman growing up in India, I was not allowed to..." then compare it by saying, "However, when I came to the United States, I found that this was an acceptable behavior because..." The closing statement is quite strong and compelling. I believe that, with proper editing, it could be the strongest way to close your discussion.

Writing Feedback / Robots and machines are gradually replacing people in their works. [3]

Chau, your essay tries to convey an analysis of a given topic which was not properly developed although properly understood by you. As such, the essay comes across as scatterbrained or lacking in focus. I believe that you wrote this essay using a timer so you just kept on typing without giving any though to the words that you were typing. So the misspelling of certain words ended up making your statements difficult to understand, leaving the reader to piece together that it is that you really want to say. For example that you did not mean to say "undiniale". You meant to say "undeniable." Do you see how your lack of focus on vocabulary use is a weakness when it comes to your writing? There are other similar mistakes that can be found throughout your essay.

You also need to learn to use transition sentences in the final parts of every paragraph. If you do not ease your reader into the next paragraph topic, you end up with this kind of essay. Something that does not seem to have a clear direction in terms of discussion. Looking into how you can connect your paragraphs will help you create a more informative essay.

Undergraduate / "Not Just a Job" Transition to adulthood. Entrance essay for Ohio State. [4]

Kara, when writing this sort of essay, you need to focus on the biggest accomplishment that you have accomplished in your life instead of trying to discuss many topics as you are trying to do here. It is always better to discuss just a single accomplishment that can best reflect your transition to adulthood instead of trying to explain your transition using various situations. That leaves the essay with an under developed discussion process and does not allow the reader to thoroughly feel the transition that you underwent.

My opinion, is that you should remove the sections referring to the letter to your future self. It doesn't really serve a purpose in this essay. You need to instead, present how your previous lifestyle was such an epic failure that when you realized how bad your situation was, you decided to take charge of your life and become a better person. These realization aspects of maturing are always impressive to the reader because it shows who you were and how far you have come in terms of becoming an adult. I believe that if you just concentrate on this process -- the challenge of having 2 jobs and what this taught you, aside from becoming a more financially responsible individual, then the essay will focus better on your transition process.

Undergraduate / Painting for the school art show and a disaster. Common app: Describe a problem you've solved. [2]

This is quite a strong narrative essay in response to the prompt. However, it seems to start at the climax instead of at the beginning of the story. I would have liked to have read something about the background regarding the painting. What were you painting it for? Was it for a competition or an art class? Of course the importance of the painting after the accident is clear to the reader. But, what was the importance of this painting to you prior to the accident? The reason I ask is because you come across as calm and composed after the accident. So it would be interesting to know why your attitude was like that.

It would also be interesting to know if you react this way to all problems that come your way, or if you only reacted that way in this particular instance. Any comparison you can make to your reaction to similar problems prior to this one will create a clearer picture of you as a person and how you deal with problems. It makes you sound 3 dimensional in the narrative. Right now, there is just one character portrayed and it is not as interesting as I feel it can be.

Letters / A [Job Application] Cover Letter: Why consulting is for me, and why this firm is the right place [4]

You are not writing a college application essay. You are applying for a job at a consulting firm. The recruitment team is not interested in reading your autobiography related to how you came to the US and your educational background. They are interested in your skills, related experience, and specialized skills that you can offer the company should you be hired for the job. Your long term goals are irrelevant at this point. Most of the information you have sounds more like you are applying for school admission instead of supplying a cover letter for a job application.

A cover letter for a job application should only offer bullet points on the important parts of the resume that you will be submitting to the company. It is meant to call attention to your specialized skills and work related experience. Traditionally, a cover letter is no more than 5 paragraphs long and uses bullet points whenever necessary to make your point or bring the attention of the reader to what you believe are your core strengths as an employee. I suggest that you consider revising your letter to make it shorter and more informative as a supporting document for your CV.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership and Influence Question. Have a look, it would be very very nice of you. [5]

Ruslan, your essay doesn't really respond to the question regarding your leadership qualifications. You are spending the essay discussing topics that do not shine a light upon your ability to be a leader. You speak instead, of how you know how to work with a team. That is not what the essay is asking you to discuss. The terms you use are also wrong. For example:

Leader is a team: The mistake in this term is that a team needs a leader. The leader is not a team. The correct term is "Team Leader" which means a person who put together a team and is leading his people in a particular direction. A leader can never be a team.

Leader is a result, which is achieved by the team. : No. This sentence does not make any sense. A leader achieves results with the help of his team. A leader can never be a result achieved by a team. The solution to the problem is achieved by the team through the guidance of their leader.

You are trying to portray yourself as a reluctant leader in the essay. However, your leadership role is not clear because you always speak in terms of team achievement rather than your leadership skills that led to the results. Remember, you have to explain how you embody the leadership requirements of the scholarship. I don't really see that reflected in this essay.

Scholarship / Future plans & Networking Skill Essay Suggestions need. [2]

Meroona, I am not sure what you are trying to portray in this essay. Your first paragraph seems to be a call to arms for some reason. There is no need to define networking for the reader. Even the story that you tell about the place in the world where you come from doesn't resonate with the requirement of the essay which is to highlight your networking skills.

Your second paragraph works towards responding to the prompt but falls short of actually showing that you have the ability to create networks that can be useful to you because you did not expand upon that discussion. You only gave an overview of your process when you should have dedicated an intricate paragraph discussion on the topic. I believe that if you eliminate the first paragraph and just develop the paragraphs after that, then you will be able to better develop the idea behind your networking skill development.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership and Influence Question. Have a look, it would be very very nice of you. [5]

My advice is, don't go for the textbook definition of what or who a leader is or should be. Define leadership on a personal basis because the idea behind any leadership varies on a case to case basis. Actually, a leader is someone who is able to inspire people, who think the same way as him, to develop and implement solutions to a given problem. Therefore, you are partially correct, there cannot be a leader if there is no team. However, if a leader does not have a vision that can inspire others, then he can never have a team to lead. Do you understand what I am trying to explain?

You have a pretty good topic regarding leadership in terms of how you discovered that you actually have the ability to lead a team. Therefore, what you should be doing is relating how your idea of leadership helped to inspire these people who, believing the same as you, decided that you should be their leader. Explain why they believed that you were the right person to lead the team. Then explain how you led them towards success. That is all you have to do within the essay. It doesn't need to be over analyzed or over edited. Keep the language simple. Make sure you reflect your leadership traits in the essay. That is all that is required of you.

Scholarship / This my essay for Chevening scholarship about Leadership and influence... [3]

I believe that your essay doesn't deliver the requirements of the essay. I do not really see any leadership traits being shared here. Probably because your essay is under developed and does not really delve into a leadership discussion in relation to your application. I believe that you should write a new essay that is based upon this statement that you wrote:

For me being a leader means lead someone else to a good path and bring someone else life to happiness.

In my opinion, this really reflects your idea of leadership and it is a statement that can benefit from your experience as a teacher. Mostly because teachers are leaders by default in the classroom and you are expected to inspire your students to lead better lives through learning. Why not touch on a topic of a difficult student whose learning attitude was touched or inspired by the way you treated him as a student? Show your natural abilities as a teacher in relation to leadership. That would probably be the simplest and most accurate way for you to display your leadership skills in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Climate change: human's role and effects - exploratory essay [4]

Khoa, your instructor is trying to teach you how to do research. That is why he asked you to choose a topic that you would be interested in writing. Now, I can see that you chose the topic Climate Change for your paper. That is a highly interesting topic indeed. But he is right, it is too broad. You see, there are sub-topics under Climate change that you should have chosen from in order to concentrate on one particular issue related to climate change. An example of the sub-topics you could have chosen from include the greenhouse effect and the melting polar ice caps. In order to create a truly informative exploratory essay, you should have narrowed down your topic of research. Trying to report on Climate Change in general is a disservice to those reading your essay.

Do a research on Climate Change and its related topics for discussion. From that list, you can opt for one topic to discuss in your revised essay. Developing a singular, but related topic to Climate Change will allow you to better find your 5 sources and present a better discussion of the topic from all available points of view. I believe that this will be the best way to narrow down your topic for research as your instructor has requested you to do.