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Posts by hailung
Name: KENZIN
Joined: Jul 1, 2017
Last Post: Sep 28, 2017
Threads: 6
Posts: 18  
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Displayed posts: 24
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hailung   
Sep 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Sporting events can control people's tensions internationally and national feelings [5]

SPORTING COMPETITIONS INFLUENCE ON CITIZENS FEELINGS

Why do you have a title here as IELTS standard structure does not promote essay title

Identifying the methods which can control the emotions between people is always not clear. After some researches, they understand popular events can perform this among the folks. Sport events specially act the main role because most of people like sports competition either playing or watching, so its affection is remarkable. I believe that these kinds of popular happening help human calm down their tensions even in the range of international and show their national emotions in a better way.

We don't use research or studies
hailung   
Sep 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if they won't affect you [4]

Firstly, we are living in the global village that every event may end up influencing us to certain degree. That is to say, we are all in part of the events when something happens and we have nowhere to escape. For example, financial crisis breaking in the U.S. in 2008 causes whole world into recession. I still remember I sat at couch and thought it was not our business as I heard the news. It turns out financial crisis indeed impact my country a lot. Many people lost their jobs and a few banks went bankrupt.

I do not think that using "I" is acceptable in an IELTS or TOEFT essay.

"a few" otherwise means some, small amount but enough, so did you mean many companies went bankrupt
hailung   
Sep 15, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] THEORY VS EXPERIENCE IN FUTURE JOB MARKET [3]

In today job market, it is far more important to have practical skills than theoretical knowledge. In the future, job applicants may not need any formal qualifications. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

I find this topic really challenging as I cannot express my points clearly throughout my essay. So I am desperate for help.

practical skills versus theoretical knowledge



Nowadays, employers are likely to employ applicants who have handy experience over those with good academic results. In my opinion, formal qualification will still be priorities in certain professions while it is less important in others.

On the one hand, a degree is an indispensable prerequisite to land a job in medicine and science. Complete of a four-year college does not only mean dedication but also proves applicants' ability to grasp and comprehend a myriad of knowledge. Medical students, for example, have to complete book study, laboratory experiment , mock exams and continuous assessments before they are trusted to provide care for patients. In addition, academic assignments also develop skills that are in high demand among employers. Interpersonal skills, presentation, writing, and collaboration all play a vital role that enhance their chance to seek employment and make progress in their future career.

On the other hand, there are certain jobs where formal education is not a priority. Employers in manual and creative industries are inclined to employ those who can really do the job rather than others with good academic background. The outbreak of online learning and the availability of tutorials on the Internet enable people to flourish their talent and land a glamorous occupation. The nature of their job, which promote individualism and independence, putting less emphasis on the development of soft skills which are the requirements of the bulk of other jobs.

In conclusion, formal qualification is important for those who seek employment in scientific fields, while creative industry prefer experience over theoretical knowledge.
hailung   
Sep 15, 2017
Writing Feedback / The resistance to change is a striking human's instinctive trait [IELTS TASK 2] [3]

Hi @Holt thank you for your remarks. I've finished the final work, please take a look at it and provide me some insights on my writing.

People have been known as creatures who do not really like it when events in their lives change. This resistance to normal changes causes certain problems for those who are unable to cope with the evolution of their lives. However, some steps can be taken to mitigate those potential liabilities.

One of the change human resist is related to the way they need to sometimes change the place where they live. This is because their fear of leaving the familiarity and ambiance of their current residence and friends they have made while settling in in a new place is all about uncertainties. For example, a man who has been living in an apartment in the city outskirts for years and is acquainted with a great number of like-minded friends would find it difficult to move into the city center. Despite of being convenient, his new home is more likely to be small and the fact that he has to do everything from scratch will definitely discourage his willingness to leave. In addition, his children also prefer staying at their old home rather than making new friends at a totally new nursery school.

In an effort to resolve that sort of fear, a person needs to first understand the underlying causes of the change. For children, maybe their parents need to work in a new place. For adult, maybe changing accommodation would be difficult at first, but in the long-term, short commute distance may shorten travel time, thus increase their productivity. In addition, they may seal better opportunity in a new company. The bottom line is when a change being made, a person must first understand what the reasons are for the change to take place. This helps him become less reluctant and more accepting of change.

While people will continue to be resistant to change due to certain reasons, this does not erase the fact that change is required in human lives. Through resistance to change, a person will always accepts it eventually has to happen. With enough thought and reasoning, the problem of resistant change can be overcome in a manner that makes a person accept change.
hailung   
Sep 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / The resistance to change is a striking human's instinctive trait [IELTS TASK 2] [3]

People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kind of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

reluctance to change



It is not uncommon that resistance to change is a striking human's instinctive trait. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences, some steps can be taken to mitigate these potential problems.

Being reluctant to change can decelerate human evolution and civilization. If early human races' inner fears of the unknown were far greater than an eagerness to find new homes, they wound be content with their status quo and and the turning point in human evolution was unlikely to take place. From individual perspective, resistance to change is the biggest obstacle preventing excellence. For example, employees may not bring out the best in them since the dread of failure outweighs the rewards, leading to a monotonous world where people are afraid to be different. This means either world famous inventors or advanced gadgets would not exist while outbreak of epidemics would threaten existence of human beings.

However, there are several actions can be taken to solve the problems described above. Firstly, organizations should promote a culture where changes are encouraged. By being tolerate to losses and rewarding innovation, uncertainties will be replaced by excellence and other scientific breakthroughs. In addition, competition should be held both locally and internationally to fuel major successes in all areas. By taking part in a contest, contestants have to present and defend their most compelling ideas in order to achieve highest prize. Kickstarter and other crowdfunding platforms have proved their efficiency in inspiring and empower young people to make changes for the better. An increasing number of ideas turning into real-life commodities, in fact, shows a brighter outlook for the future of human kind.

In conclusion, while struggling to change hinders evolution of human being to individual level, a transparent and supporting culture may eliminate the risks involved in change process, thereby boost revolution in every domain of life.
hailung   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TAKS 2] CAMBRIDGE 12 TEST 5 - INFORMATION SHARING [4]

It is considered by some that accessing to scientific research, business and academic world should be free while there are others who think that some vital information has not to be publicized. In my opinion, I believe that free flow of information to some extent should be encouraged while limited access to some is necessary.

On the one hand, sharing information freely could be tremendously beneficial. From a scientific perspective, publicizing of new findings will interest world's scholars and scientists. This may accelerate pace of research and increase the potential to lead to many other advances and achievements. Similarly, from an economic perspective, free access to global business insights may minimize failures as the same time foster business success in foreign markets. Transmission of academic know-how; moreover, will cultivate learning process and promote world civilization.

On the other hand, the availability of some information should be strictly restricted. Revealing secrets to success of a particular product or a nation would promote unfair competition and discourage people from striving for excellence. In addition, military intelligence, if falling into the wrong hands, may pose serious threats to not only the local political stability but also world peace.

Finally, in my opinion, whether to share information freely or not depends on its purposes. Sharing of foundation knowledge and insights should be encouraged as it makes a better world. For example, experiences and lessons in dealing with economic, political matters could be transmitted from developed countries to less civilized nations. This helps shorten the time, minimize potential risks and guarantee for better results. Similarly, medical advancement and breakthroughs would open new doors for patients as well as improve world average longevity. In contrast, formula to success of such giant brand like Coca-cola should be kept secretly. Its fame is built on life-time dedication and hard work; thus, their achievement should be widely recognized and awarded in forms of exclusive patent and copyright. Testing of weapons of massive destruction like atomic and chemical bombs should be banned to avoid catastrophic consequences.

In conclusion, sharing of information is heavily rely on its types and purposes. Disclosure of any information should be considered thoroughly to maximize its benefit while minimize its potential threats to the world as a whole.
hailung   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Should a city try to preserve its old buildings or replace them with modern buildings? [4]

Some people belive architecure that ...How ever, I think we ...

This is not a complete sentence. "some people believe architecture" is subject, your relative clause modifies the subject but the main verb for the subject is missing. In addition, please check word spellings.

First of all, the old buildings where have historic value.

Another fragment sentence.
hailung   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Everyone should become vegetarian [6]

... a good health is always a large question for ...

- I suggest: a big question

It's so useful that (...) vegetarian and don't need to eat meat.

It's = it is

Don't = do not

Many researches showed that we will use less fat and ...

Use = consume

raw spinach providing all our nutritional needs is proved one ...

You use three verbs in one sentence which is very confusing

vegetarian diet (...) also makes the environment better.

How a vegetarian diet improves our environment?

our body will be lack of many nutrition

nutrition is an uncountable noun thus cannot be accompanied by many. Some is more appropriate

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hailung   
Aug 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] CAMBRIDGE 12 - BAR CHART - PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES [5]

Merged:

[IELTS TASK 1 - EDITED] IELTS CAMBRIDGE 12 - TEST 5 TASK 1



The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

I edited my writing according to your remark. So please help me with this new piece of writing HOLT

The bar chart compares men and women of different ages in Australia who exercised physically on a regular basic in 2010.

Overall, it is clear that the proportions of female who took part in some forms of workout is far higher among younger groups, while the oldest one is least likely to exercise. On the contrary, men are most active at their earliest ages and their interests towards such healthy activities increase as they get older.

Men aged 15-24 was the most active group as 52.8% of them did exercise regularly. In the next two decades, only 42.2% and 39.5 men paid interests in such activity, respectively. The figures rose gradually for men in their late-thirties to the 65 and over age group.

47.7% of women aged 15-24 spent time doing physical exercise. There was a steady increase in the number of women did these activities in the next 20 years. The figures for women aged 45-54 and 55-64 were almost the same, at about 53%. The oldest group was prone to other activities rather than doing exercises as the figures for this group was the lowest at 47.1%, which was virtually the same as 15-24 age group.

(198 words)




hailung   
Aug 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / Purchasing other countries' products in the same place [3]

Since people are more available to buy the same products anywhere = able

- Goods are available to be bought but not people are available to buy.

- So I suggest "able" = the ability to do something

the culture around the world would interact with each other together. Not only does hte availability of various products progressing, but different kinds of culture have a chance to interact. = repetitive words

- I suggest expose to different cultures

For instance, every country has their own food culture = cuisine

I suggest some examples for body paragraph 1 so that it is more convincing
hailung   
Aug 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TAKS 2] CAMBRIDGE 12 TEST 5 - INFORMATION SHARING [4]

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe some information is too important or valuable to be showed freely.

Discuss both views and give your opinion


I am preparing for the next IELTS so please give me the band score I may reach. Thank you

access to important information for everyone



People have different views about how information is shared. Although there are good arguments in favor of keeping secret intelligence, I personally believe that valuable knowledge has to be both available and accessible.

On the one hand, sharing information makes a better world. Firstly, developed countries like America and England certainly have handful experiences in dealing with economic instabilities such as economic crisis and inflation. By transmitting such intelligence, they can help less civilized nations stabilize their economic state and save money from making avoidable mistakes. In addition, collaboration between countries in terms of exchanging advancement in certain fields would benefit the whole world. For example, Cuba's breakthroughs in curing lung cancer now opens a new door to not only American cancers' patients but also bring more hope to people who are suffering from that disease globally. Finally, from academic perspective, exchanging information in terms of seminars may help improve knowledge gap across continents as well as promoting learning. An academic workshop, which takes place in developing countries like Cambodia, presented by a famous scholar in biological science will nurture interests in science among students which turn into some fascinating discoveries and invention.

On the other hand, secret intelligence has to be secured due to its importance. Coca-cola formula, for instance, is a national treasure of the US, thus disclosure of this global product should not be encouraged. Moreover, military secrets and technologies are too vital to the survival of a particular nation that they must be classified. Intelligence leaks may be used to harm political opponents which eventually threaten lives of millions of civilians.

In conclusion, while some information should be kept secretly, the majority of them have to be shared to vastly benefit the entire whole in many different aspects.
hailung   
Aug 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] CAMBRIDGE 12 - BAR CHART - PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES [5]

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

Please help me as I couldn't figure the similarities and differences between two values to make comparison. Thank

PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES at all age



The bar chart compares the percentage of male and female in Australia in six distinct age groups who took part in regular physical exercises in 2010.

It is clear that Australian men exercised more when they got older while their female counterparts lost their interest in such activities over the same period of time.

Men aged 15-24 spent the biggest proportions on exercises at 52.8 percents. The figures then declined to only 39.5 percents for 35-44 age group before gradually increased into 46.2 percents, which was the lowest figures of group aged 65 and above.

The majority of women, on the other hand, showed great interest in physical activities. While only 47.7 percents of female aged 15-24 involved in physical sports, the figures for other older groups saw a gradual rise and peaked at 53.3 percents, which was the figures for women in their middle-forties to early fifties. Only 47.1 percents of female aged 65 and above considered doing exercises on a regular basic.




hailung   
Jul 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Cooperation and competition are imperative and children should master both of these skills [3]

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adult. Discuss both these views and give your opinions.

COOPERATION VS COMPETITION



While some are in favor of nourishing a competitive schooling environment, others hold the belief that children are more likely to be valuable team players when collaboration is cultivated. In my opinion, these skills are equally important and children will vastly benefit from sustaining a proper environment where both cooperation and competition are deliberately nurtured.

On the one hand, being competitive could bring about a number of advantages. Firstly, it helps bring out the best in children. In spite of criticisms regarding its rather catastrophic consequences on children physical and mental development, competition is an indispensable trait for those who thirst for triumphs in both sport and scientific fields. For example, if inventors had been content to sustain the status quote, steam locomotives would have been the only mean of long-distant transportation. Secondly, children are prone to develop critical social skills through competing with other students. Regardless of the result which is either win or loss, they will be able to learn the value of hard-work, strengthen their self-esteem and tenacity. More importantly, they would acknowledge that life is a series of ups and downs, and failure will not be the end of the world.

On the other hand, no one could deny the magnitude of cooperation. In addition to providing cooperative skills that are necessary later in their working lives, students also recognize that everybody has their own limitations. In other words, each of them is excellent in something but is dreadful at another thing and there is no mean to achieve success rather than working closely together. Moreover, collaborating helps ease pressure on kids, which is a major drawback caused by intense competition. A child who is lagged behind in math would benefit from the aid of their classmates in exchange for a free art lesson that he or she excels in. Consequently, students become more tolerant and proud of their aptitudes.

In conclusion, cooperation and competition are imperative and children would be best benefited from mastering both of them to the extent that a proper setting is promoted.

(341 words)

=======

Please give me some pieces of advice and the band score I could reach
hailung   
Jul 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Graduates should travel and work for a period of time instead of going directly to university [6]

@Minh Thi

According to + source will lower your overall score due to the fact that the examiners are not keen on this type of explanation. Your references which are used as examples has shortened room for your further and more persuasive ideas. I suggest that you develop the skeleton first, listing out how many ideas for each paragraph and types of back up you will employ to support your proposal.
hailung   
Jul 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Can we use animals for our personal benefit or this is unacceptable? [4]

Some individuals believe that human ...
... and security purposes other than this ...

One the one hand, those who (...) exploitation is a good practice might argue that all animals are living being they should also have ...

.., people whosupport utilization of animals mightsupport the idea that it ...

... animals should to not be exploited for ...

1. I suggest not to repeat words too many times (support, utilize), you might try to use synonyms (thetherasus might be a good source for that)

2. Focus on ",", those minors points can absolutely reduce your band score

3. Your choice of words and grammar are not complex enough to achieve band 7

4. I am dubious about whether your essay meets 250 words or not.

Sincerely,
hailung   
Jul 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some famous athletes and entertainers earn millions of dollars every year. [4]

@ERIC SUNG

I've not been doing any TOELT writing recently but it seems that you've written the hooks.

The introduction is though not straight to the points so takes up many words.

The second and third paragraph seem irrelevant to me.

If I were you, I would develop the idea centering their hard-work, personal expenses (diet, clothes, media ...) to support the topic question
hailung   
Jul 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Give opinions on teaching a foreign language in primary school years. [5]

Hi, there are some points that I don't agree with your argument

1. According to linguistics, children can learn up to 3 languages or more without falling into a state of confusion.

During my teaching time, students who started learning English at very young age perform better than adults in terms of vocabulary, reaction, memory ..... In fact, children do not have a lot of other things to care about and due to their psychology matter, they learn by playing and the amount of language input is small so they won't find it hard to excel in other languages.

2. Your benefits and drawbacks tend to conflict each other. One proposal in the disadvantage is to confuse with their mother tongue language, second is they learn in their fastest pace.

3. Culture is a very broad context and most of textbooks do not prepare such exposure for student to cope with in their future life.
hailung   
Jul 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / GAP YEAR could be a huge asset if used for proper activities - IELTS [5]

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


stepping out of academic treadmill



Taking a year off before starting college is no longer a common occurrence among Western countries but is gaining popularity in other parts of the world. Delaying college studies obviously bring about tremendous benefits while on the contrary its drawbacks are notable.

On the one hand, stepping out of academic treadmill would give students certain advantages. Firstly, this helps them ameliorate a sense of academic burnout. By travelling and discovering contrasting way of life rather than their own, or pursue a passion, students can unwind, take a hard look at their habits and assess the feasibility of their goals. In addition, being exposed to divergent cultures could also broaden their horizons, aid emotional maturity prior to transitioning to college. Secondly, deepening one's professional awareness is crucial to ensure not making wrong choices. The fact that students switch their field of study several times during the course of their study not only put more strain on their supporter's pocket but also is considered a huge waste of time and effort. Knowing what suits one best is better than chasing unattainable dreams due to incompetence

On the other hand, lazing around without a thorough plan is root of potential downsides. For those who postpone the difficulties of college, being free for a whole year could result in involving in binge drinking and other self-destructive behaviors. The startling consequence may be losing their hard-earned study skills that ends up in being reluctant to dive back to school.

In conclusion, taking a gap year in terms of engaging in meaningful activities could be a huge asset while self-indulgence could backfire and trigger unpleasant experience, in the worst case not go back to school.
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