Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 1] Line graph: spread consumption [3]

The graph below shows the consumption of three spreads from 1991 to 2007.
Summarize the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Please help scoring this essay. My test is in 3 days' time!!

margarine, low fat and butter consumption

The given line graph visualizes the information on how much three types of spreads were consumed between 1981 and 2007. Units are measured in grams. Overall, despite being popularized from a much earlier time, butter and margarine intake declined throughout the years. The pattern was reversed for low fat and reduced spreads however.

In the initial year, butter dominated with over 140 grams consumed. The number then rose to a peak of almost 160 grams in 1986. From this point, butter intake went through a crash to approximately 70 grams in 1996 and further to 50 grams by the end of the recorded period.

With regards to margarine, its consumption began with around 90 grams before reaching the highest figure of 100 grams in 1991. Remaining unchanged in the following five years, the figure then experienced the same downturn similar to that of butter, finishing at 40 grams.

On the other hand, the year 1996 marked the emerge of low-fat and reduced spreads. Since then, this kind of spread began to gained popularity with a remarkable speed. In 2001, the reported consumption stood at above 80 grams, which was equal to that of margarine. It then fell slightly to 70 grams in 2007, classified as the most prevalent choice of spreads.

[211 WORDS]

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Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 1] Table: Underground railway information summary [6]

The table below gives information about the underground railway systems in six cities.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Can you give specific mark to my writing based on four academic IELTS writing criterias? Much appreciation!
Here's my essay:

figures of railway systems in six cities

The given table presents statistics on the network of underground railway of six cities across the world. Data is compared in terms of year of operation, length and annual ridership. Overall, London had the oldest and largest metro system while that of Tokyo had the highest capacity.

Specifically, the London underground was first opened in 1863, which was 37 years earlier than the operation in Paris, thus making it the only metro from the nineteenth century included in the list. Other cities began put their subways into service throughout the following century, with Tokyo, Washington DC and Kyoto respectively. Whereas Los Angles was the last one to feature this means of transportation in the year 2001.

By a fairly wide margin, the route length of London underground was higher than all of the remaining cities. Standing at 384 kilometers, the figure also doubled that of Paris. Meanwhile the Japanese city of Kyoto had the shortest route, extending to merely 11 kilometers.

Nevertheless it was Tokyo's subway that had the highest ridership (1927 million passengers per year). Paris came second at 1191 million passengers. Kyoto, in parallel with its small size, scored the lowest ridership, carrying only 45 million passengers annually.

[200 WORDS]

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Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Performance enhancing drugs : causes and effects? [4]

More and more athletes are using drugs to enhance their performance. What do you think are the reasons and effects of this?

artificially enhancing muscle mass, endurance or speed

Here's my essay:

Performance enhancing drugs (or PEDS) refer to medicine with the purpose of enhancing an individual's muscle mass or endurance or speed. The ever-rising availability and frequent uses of PEDs among sportspeople has sparked concern. This essay will address two principal reasons for this action, along with some potential effects.

To begin with, it could be some unexpected incidents that prolong or postpone athlete's training section, such as an injury or a falsely calculated schedule. In order to keep up, sometimes relying on PEDs become a must. Secondly, nobody can deny the unbearable pressure on each athlete to live up to public's standard. This can come from the cutthroat competition in sports with countless athletes competing to win a very desirable position. This could also come from the society's molded perception of what a sport person normally looks like and perform like. All of these tension combine, posing a threat to every single athlete that only by quickening or cutting short their training process may they strive to fame, otherwise being far left behind, or even out of job. Not to mention, the additive power of PEDs has been proven, which explains why all athletes who have succeeded with their medication are bound to repeat this action.

Consequently, there are many downsides to PEDS use. Firstly, the drugs put users' health in jeopardy. Studies after studies have pointed out the severe side-effects to frequent PEDs use, including changing in hormone which leads to cancer. The main problem lies in the ignorance of athletes, despite forewarning. In fact, having acknowledged this, many countries have illegalized such drugs, carrying out strict punishment to the trading chain. America's famous annual sport games, NFL and NBA, are a prime example. Furthermore, athletes may fall into the vicious circle of adding fuel to the fire. Such unrealistic, popularized images they are aiming to maintain can act as a double-edge sword, encourage further over-reliance on PEDs, for them and the sport world as a whole.

In conclusion, the abuse of performance enhancing drugs is often stem from internal as well as external factors. Despite satisfying short-term pleasure, such drugs can have negative long-term impacts individually and socially. A cooperative partnership between athletes, sport competitions and government would be required to put on hold such alarming trend.

(381 WORDS)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 1] Three bar graphs - British album buyers [2]

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

--> What would be the best way to split data? I did it this way:
body paragraph 1: gender comparisons
body paragraph 2: age comparisons

Here is my answer:

statistics for music sale in britain

The given bar charts provide data regarding the proportion of British music album buyers across gender and age. In general, while the patterns of Pop and Rock music bore a striking resemblance to each other, that of Classical genre was reversed.

As illustrated, a sales record of around 28% revealed that Pop and Rock music were mostly purchased by men. This number was smaller for women(18%). However, in reference to Classical music, both sexes appeared to be far less interested, with a share of just below 10% for males and approximately 3% less for women.

When breaking down the data further, it was clear that the statistic for Pop and Rock music, in terms of age, was also on par. Specifically, adults between 16 and 34 represented the great majority of Pop and Rock albums purchasers in Britain, with the 25-34 age group slightly ahead. Overall the contributed more than two-thirds of recorded sales. This was followed by those aged 35 and above. In contrast, at the other end of the age spectrum, British over 45 years old were the heaviest buyers of Classical music, occupying 20%, compared to merely around 8% of the other two genres. Purchasers in the 35-44 age bracket accounted for a minor proportion of 3%, yet still doubled that of those between 16-34 which was classified as the least significant buyers of Classic music.

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Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Online shopping: discuss both sides and give your opinion. [3]

A few questions:
- Should I present my opinion in the intro paragraph?
- If the question said "Some shoppers choose to shop online..." --> Would it be wrong for me to include the advantages/disadvantages of the VENDORS?

I would greatly appreciate your help. Thanks in advance!

In recent years, online shopping has become increasingly popular. Some people think such shopping method is beneficial, while other believe it creates more problems than it solves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Shoppings over the Internet

Ever since the internet declared a takeover, digital shopping has been on a constant rise and has the potential to be the dominant shopping method. Such pattern ,however, has created both problems as well as opportunities. This essay will explore two sides to e-commerce, along with providing my own perspective.

On the one hand, there are several serious pitfalls when one makes a purchase on the web, namely: risks of fraud and limited access to the products. As the term suggests, online shopping is only possible through the internet, a place hidden with countless threats, including frauds, identity theft and virus. At the same time, unlike conventional stores which don't close unexpectedly, online stores incur frequent malfunction. A further drawback is the fact that shopping websites would only provide product description and links to the merchandises, instead of allowing buyers to test the products personally. This can be extremely inconvenient when purchasing goods such as clothes or cosmetics.

Conversely, this novel way of shopping can be beneficial for two parties of the business. In particular, customers from around the world are able to gain information about a company and its products in 24/7, despite geographic limit, thus saving time and money. They can also compare prices of different products or keep up with the latest discount programs within a few clicks. For vendors, opening online stores means lowering overheads with regard to employing staff as well as depending on distributors and retailers. Some companies may cut costs further by terminating printing catalogs or constructing new stores. The latter would be notably profitable in countries with ever-increasing property taxes such as Britain or Japan.

Ultimately, it appears to me that the advantages of e-commerce can far outweigh the hassles. This is highly recommended for busy buyers who wish to save time and sellers who aim to reach out to a wider range of customers.

(313 WORDS)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Rising pressure on students, positive or negative? [2]

In recent years, pressure on School and university students has been increased and they are pushed to work very hard from a young age. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Please help pointing out all the strengths and pweaknesses of my essay. Much appreciation!!!

Learning without pressure?

The ever-rising tension for modern students to excel in every aspect has sparked concern. I firmly believe that this trend is only riddled with problems, in a sense that it overrides the joy of learning and limit the potential of such young minds, as will be explained in this essay.

To begin with, education only achieves good outcome when learners are nurtured in a positive and encouraging environment, which is opposed the reality today. Some school systems are now obsessed with a narrow definition of success - with standardized testing, ranking, comparison and competition. This, not surprisingly, puts an unbearable burden on students, resulting in disinterest and misconception of learning as well as several mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression or even suicidal tendency. Such alarming pattern has been recorded in countries like Japan, Korea and possibly more in the upcoming time.

Furthermore, vast majority of young people do not yet gain enough experience to make a decision of their career paths. Restricted within the setting of parents, teachers and classmates, these minds are still being molded, their understanding of many other issues are inadequate. Narrowing down a person's focus and options is a way to steal from him or her the opportunity to be broad-minded and creative. Whereas, the opposite direction, which means allowing students to explore the world from various perspectives, can have a wonderful effect. This has been proved in Finland, where education system routinely ranks top worldwide and is famed for minimizing testing and homework.

In brief, despite the fact that pressurizing students may help them to be more ambitious, it seems to me that such pattern is rather problematic. Learning should be full of positivity instead of pressure. It is vital for schools, parents and students to be aware and cooperate to aim for a better education approac[h.

[303 WORDS]

Writing Feedback / Working from home: Effects? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? [5]

Performing tasks remotely

It has been a prevalent trend for modern employees to perform tasks from a distance thanks to the advancement of computer networks. This has led to both inconveniences and opportunities. Ultimately, it appears to me that such work pattern is still worthwhile, in a sense that it allows workers to overcome several disadvantages of conventional labor.

On one hand, working at home has its own pitfalls, namely distraction and isolation. Interruption from neighbors, friends, family might be very disruptive, thus reducing work productivity, combined with the temptation to procrastinate and let the work pile up. Meanwhile, most people find it hard to finish tasks because of not being able to bounce ideas off colleagues or because of breakdowns in communication through emails and phone calls.

On the other hand, it's no doubt that one can greatly benefit from starting a business in the house. Firstly, by personalizing their work situations, such as setting up a flexible schedule as an alternative to the traditional 9 to 5, employees can keep a work-life balance. Home-based employees are often capable of working continuously when sick, returning to work quickly following surgery or pregnancy, and handling personal appointments without losing a full day of work. Secondly, remote work means cutting numerous costs including costs of commuting as well as indirect costs like professional wardrobes and on-the-go meals. Lastly, this novel way of work has enabled top talents to be hired despite geographic limits. Therefore, I reckon that the advantages can far outweigh the hassles. The main explanation is that some problems listed have the potential to be tackled with dedication, focus, and high self-discipline from employees themselves.

Overall, the idea of having a home-based office is very challenging yet appealing at the same time. It is recommended for those who wish to be their own boss and strive to develop such modern attitude towards work. This work pattern should be encouraged in this era of modern telecommunication technologies.

[324 WORDS]