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Posts by PaulthePhoenix [Suspended]
Name: Phuong Tran
Joined: Jul 31, 2018
Last Post: Aug 14, 2018
Threads: 4
Posts: 16  
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From: Vietnam
School: RMIT

Displayed posts: 20
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PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: why many people still go hungry although the advance made in agriculture [5]

@oanhkieu208 Hi Oanh, here are some of my comments, hope that helps
1) Task response: this essay has clear structure and address the question well. But try to use punctuation better (e.g. Although, agriculture, in this age, have been developed considerably, there are still a worrying number of people who are hungry). In the conclusion, you also need to summarise it precisely and better using complex sentences. Do that and your band will increase

2) Cohesion: I can see that you use a lot of linking words so that's the good thing.
3 & 4) GRA & Lexical resource: I think that's where you need to improve on. There are quite a number of phrases and words that are inaccurate and inappropriate.
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELT Task 2: Building function or exterior design? Which is more important? [2]

When designing a building, the intended use of the building should be taken into account rather than its outward appearance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

building and its appearances



It is widely believed that the interior function of a building should be more significant than its outward design. Personally, I disagree with that point of view.

The first reason why the exterior of a building should be taken into consideration is that it is the appearance that creates the first impression. People are likely to go into a shopping mall with an appealing outward design first before researching what is inside. It is, therefore, not an exaggeration to say that the revenue of any shop highly depends on the prominent look of its store. The coffee shops in Ho Chi Minh city, for instance, always spent a great amount of money renting the unique location and renovating frequently to please the customer eyes.

Furthermore, I strongly believe the exterior of any building should receive more focus as it needs to be in harmony with the city it is located. There are certain requirements set by the city council when erecting a building. In Vietnam, for example, you are not allowed to construct a skyscraper in an archaic city or a model facility near a historical site. Moreover, every buiding is the representative of the city, thus, investing in the appearance is unquestionable as it will be beneficial for both the city and the building's owner. If a building has an astounding look, it is highly likely to become the symbol of the city. Sydney Opera House is the clearest example of this. This iconic of a building and the city have been so inexorably linked that we can not talk of one thing without thinking about the other.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the outlook of the building is just as significant as the its interior function.
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 13, 2018
Writing Feedback / Immigrants deal with a number of undesirable issues when trying to adapt with the new society [2]

Hello @zhongruansg, good to see you
I have a few feedbacks, hope that helps

1) Task response: For the "what extent agree do you agree/disagree part" you just need to support one idea. It will be clearer for the examniner to see your idea. This essay did not address the question fairly, I'm afraid, as the idea you support has not been developed in depth. It is even shorter than the opposing idea. You may lose your mark here. Also some of the idea is not fully developed which make it hard for the reader to keep track (e.g.: the prompt is about speaking a foreign language but in one of your sentences you mentioned they can barely speak their own language, which is quite unrealted to the topic without further explanation. Shouldn't they be more comfortable speaking their own language if they have difficulty speaking a foreign one? Instead, you can say it create a detrimental effects to their mind and eventually lead to depressions, making them unable to share their ideas with others, even if they are his people)

2) Cohesion: I can see you use linking devices so that's the bright point.

3) Lexical Resource & Grammar: Your vocabulary is wide and a lot of grammar structures were used. You may try to improve by learning collocation related to the subject to increase your band
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 13, 2018
Writing Feedback / Building and its appearances - the exterior look is not so important as usefulness? [3]

@jalp HelloJae Chan. Hope you are doing good with your study. I have a few comments for your essay as below.
First of all, your introduction is not clear enough to adress the prompt. Just lose the word "while" then you will have a good paraphase.

For the body, you need to add some linking words to structure it better. Besides, you need to add more ideas to your essay, all 3 paragraphs you wrote only bring out one idea "appearance attracts more customers". You can have more ideas like "the design of a buiding needs to be harmonize with city it is situated". You can not errect a skycrapper in the middle of an ancient city for example.

Your vocab and grammar is good, although there is some typo and odd expressions here and there
Hope that helps
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 10, 2018
Writing Feedback / Traditional and international music are two forms that are completely different [2]

Hi @HKad2210
For the Introduction, you should state your intention clearly (e.g: Music plays an important roles in the world today. In this essay, I shall put forth my argument to analysis why we need music and prove traditional music is more important than...)

The body is quite short, I am afraid. In the real exam, you will lose mark for that. You also need to restructure and use aprpriate wording in your essay so that the reader can follow your idea easy. For example:

First of all, the reason people all over the world need music is that it is a major component of any culture....Moreover, the second reason is that...

In my opinion, traditional music is more important than international music. Firstly (reason 1). Furthermore (reason2)
Your vocab is quite good but try to use more complex sentence to raise your band score.
Hope that helps
Good luck with your practice
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 4, 2018
Writing Feedback / A rise in price of petrol is the most effective method to tackle the growth of traffic congestion [3]

Hello Quan
Nice start, if I may, just a few improvements here:
1) Task response: For this kind of essay, you may want to put the idea you support in the 2nd paragraph of the body to emphasize it. Otherwise, the examiner may think you have not answered the task or your argument is not strong enough. So in your case, I suggest the 1st paragraph is to discover other options and its effects and the 2nd I would confirm that increasing petrol oil is the best. Some of the argument in the 1st paragraph is not really related also (e.g.: Increasing price encourage the use of public transport (ok) BUT why do you also fine the public transport?). Remember the goal in the 1st paragraph here is to discuss the positive effect of oil price increase. Also, in the conclusion, your position is not clear that may cost you mark.

2) Lexical Resource: You showed quite an ability in diversifying your vocabulary but I think you could do more. For example, in the introduction, I can see an attempt was made to paraphase the question but it still looks a lot like it. You can practice to make it better.

3) Grammar: I see you use relative clause and complex structure, which is good. Try to acquire more collocations on this topic

4) Cohesion: A lot of linking device are use. So you gain mark for that.

Hope my comment helps!
Thank you
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 3, 2018
Writing Feedback / Parents need to learn how to be skillful in looking after their children [6]

Hi Tung, it's nice to see you make the first attempt to post your essay here. In my opinion, however, it is not a well-written essay, i'm afraid.

1. Task response: You did not address the question fully: Do you agree or disagree? My advice is that in this type of essay. You can write I'm totally agree with the idea in the Introduction then the two following paragraphs below can be used to present the reasons for your support. This will help you think straight and avoid presenting a weak argument like in the first paragraph of the body.

2. Lexical resource: Try to widen your vocabulary a little bit more. There is no such word as "famousity", instead you can use reputation or renowned.

3. Cohesion: I can see you use some linking devices so it is the bright point of the essay.

4. Grammar: You mostly use simple sentences, please try to use complex sentence with relative clauses and combine vocabulary as well and you will be fine

For example, if I may, I will reproduce one of your arguments as below:

Despite its necessity, coercing young parents into a training course can impose more economic burdens in their shoulder. In a developing country like ours, some family can barely feed their hungry children. A course, therefore, no matter how useful it will be, is not feasible for them. Moreover, taking part in a mandatory training also take away their working or leisure time after work. This is counter-effective as they will enter the class with a tired mind and fatigued body making it difficult to absorb whatever taught in the class.

This is just my suggestion only. You can based on it to create a more well-developed essay.
Have fun studying!
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 3, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Printed newspaper vs Online newspaper. What will be more important? [3]

Internet or printed news?



Some people think that in the future, printed newspaper will still be the most important source of news. However, others think that news provided on the Internet will play the most important role. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

These days, opinions differ as to whether Internet or printed news will be the most crucial source of news. Some people believe printed format will retain its significance, while others think it will gradually be replaced by online news. From my standpoint, I tend to agree with the latter.

It is understandable why people believe in the importance of printed format. The publishing industry has existed for hundreds of years employing millions of personnels all around the world. It is often depicted as "too big to fall" as the failure of such may leave some detrimental effects on any national economy. Besides, reading daily newspaper has so long been established as a die-hard habit for some. Such people adhere to the traditional form of news as they gain the distinctive joice flipping through the pages.

However, I strongly believe it's the online news that makes the future of journalism. The speed of Internet is undeniably faster than ever before, facilitating live-stream coverage of sport events and music concerts. Moreover, the online multimedia platform equips journalists with ample ways to report news such as: infographics, animated videos or interactive discussion. Those creative methods can never be feasible on a printed format. Another reason to reinforce to the growth of online news is our over-reliant on the Internet. It is not an exxageration to say that we have been so inexorably linked to the Internet that it is hard to live without it. Online articles, news that spread through various platform of the Internet, will surely benefit from this trend.

In conclusion, although there are evidences to suggest traditional newspaper is still favoured, I strongly believe online format will be the most important source of news in the future.
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 1, 2018
Writing Feedback / ESSAY- What can human being do to help stop global warming? [3]

Hi Chau
You clearly show a good lexical resource in your essay. The grammar is at an acceptable level but you certainly can try more complex structure and sentences. The structure is clearly shown and easy to follow.

Your essay, however, is under developed a little bit in idea construction. You should dig deeper in the paragraphs for a through analysis. For example, just my suggestion, in paragraph 1, it'sfollowed by a great opening sentence, you can write like:

"One method for the reduction is the replacement of fossil fuels with renewable energy source. The exhaust from automobile is renowned as the main source of air pollution therefore, I believe that a cleaner atmosphere can only be possible if electric cars are utilized to its bes potential. The government could play a roles by imposing taxes on goods that releases carbon dioxide into the environment. As a result, this will encourage people to consume environment-friendly product."

Again for paragragh 2 and 3, expand it a little bit more. Personally, I prefer to write 2 paragraghs but with in depth analysis rather than 3. You should also beware of over-using the linking words (To begin with, Furthermore, As a result, etc...) they are good if you use the right amount but putting it in every sentence make the essay become like a formula not really attractive to read.

Hope that helps
Keep it up, Chau.
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 1, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Printed books vs Electronical books - what brings the future? [5]

Some people think that printed books are no longer necessary in this digital era as all writing can be stored electronically. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

conventional books being replaced by digital publications?



The novelty development of technology in this century has made people believe that conventional books are being replaced by digitalised publish. In this essay, I shall put forth my argument to analyze both standpoints and give my own impartial view on the topic.

It is, first of all, without a doubt that books have and are still playing an essential roles in the spreading of knowledge for thousands of year. It is a reliable and available source of wisdom that is suitable for everyone, even for those who are computer-illiterate with limitted access to the Internet. Besides, some people gain such a distinctive joice fllipping through the pages that they can't never obtain by scrolling through the line in the computer screen.

Digitalised book, on the other hand, is believed to be the future of publishing. The first advantage of storing written materials online is that it can preserve the content inside perpetually. The book can now shun damages from natural disaster, fires and immenurable causes. Not only does this benefit us but the future generation will be gratified to inherit the intact valuable knowledge from the past. The cloud computing, furthermore, facilitates the establishment of online library. Such development will save spaces and energy, which could have been consumed in a physical library.

As a conclusion, in my opinion, digitalise book is an inevitable development trend. I also believe, however, in the lasting existence of printed book as it provides a fair chance to acquire knowledge for all people.
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 1, 2018
Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Reading books vs. Watching films and television [6]

Dear Rita
Good structure and all but improve your vocabulary a bit more then it will be a fine essay
A small suggesstion to rewrite your introduction. You can write I completely agree/disagree with one problem but do not I partly agree or not completely agree as it present a weak argument in the examiner mind. Instead, if you want to present a balanced approach, two-sided argument you can use this template:

- While I do agree that book can help our imagination to a certain exent, I believe that movies/film has an equal roles in developing one's creativity.

Good job, keep it up.
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 1, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - will tax on fuel ease the traffic and pollution? [6]

Hi Smally
Nice essay in term of structure and vocab. As the other two pointed out you need to proofread your work. Do not give the examiner the chance to degrade your fine work with some typo or obvious mistakes in grammar.

Just a tip here, if you are in shortage of time and you still want to point out your opinion without writing another paragragh, you could ask phrase such as I believe or in my opinion, from my standpoint in the 2nd paragraph that you choose to support. Besides, to make it even clearer, in the 1st one, you can use phrase like some people believe. It is assumed by some people...

Hope that helps
Keep it up
PaulthePhoenix   
Aug 1, 2018
Writing Feedback / Smoking is detrimental to the smoker and those who are nearby - smoking ban in public places [2]

Dear Tricie Liu
Your essay is neat and thorough with clear structure. However, I would argue that you can change the second paragraph in the body into the first one. By that way, it matched with the requirement of the topic "Not only harm the smoker (body1) but also those who nearby (body 2)

You also need to improve on your lexical resource and sentence form to make yourself clearer. For example in your 2nd paragraph: One people smoking in public places can coerce thousands of other people into suffering. Besides the common symtomp of coughing, breathing problem, those who have a long and constant exposure to the exhaust of cigarettes can experience severe disease such as....

Again for the 2nd paragraph, diversify your sentence vocab and structure would be nice. For example, If there is a restriction on smoking in all companies, cigarette consumers will reluctantly find elsewhere to practice their harmful routine

For the conclusion, you can combine it into one sentence by saying I strong believe that anning smoking in public pla, ces would benefit non-smokers...

Good job, keep practicing, Tricie!
PaulthePhoenix   
Jul 31, 2018
Writing Feedback / Topic relates with recycling system, could you check up my essay? Is that appropriate? [4]

Hi Nurislam, hope you are studing well.
I have some comments on this essay, firstly, pay close attention to the words (frist - first, comprison - comparison, glasss- glasses, reccycled - recycled). It is such a pity if your point get dedcuted for errors like that

- Task response: if you are totally agree with the idea, you don't have to state the disadvantages of the trend.
- Grammar: You can adjust some phrase to be more formal (What I mean is - In my opinion/From my standpoint etc..What is more - In addition, Furthermore, all for this process government in charge in order to ... - this process also play a key role in raising the efficiency of recycle goods.). My advice is that you should try to use complex sentence by combining several into ones using relative clauses. Connection devices (in addition, fu is also a great tools to express ideas clearer

- Lexical resource: You could diversify your choice of word by learning more vocab on the topic.
PaulthePhoenix   
Jul 31, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Discuss both view on whether or not to keep animal in zoo. [4]

Some people believe it's wrong to keep animal in zoos while other think that zoos are important for both its educational and ecological value. Discuss both views

zoo still plays a crucial part in protecting endangered species



In this modern world, there has been an ongoing debate on the controversial roles of the zoo. Some believe keeping animals in cage is morally wrong wwhile others emphasize on the preservation and education roles that rest upon the shoulder of the zoo. In this essay, I shall put forth my arguments to discuss both perspective to get the impartial view of the problem.

There are several reasons to implicate that it's unethical to nurture wildlife animals in captivity. Confining animals in small spaces has been scientifically proven to assert some detrimental effects on their behaviors. Predators raised in the zoo lose their instinct to hunt while small creatures do not feel threatened by their hunters. The disappearance of these traits, which keep them alive in the wild, put their existence in peril. The dependant on human for food and care, in addition, worsen the above problem.

The zoo offers some crucial benefits despite of the downsides. It is, first of all, a sanctuary for some endangered species, which should have perished if left alone in the wild. Take dodo birds for example, if it had not been for the relentless effort of the Australian Zoo, this distinctive bird could have been wiped out. Scientists at the zoo work their best to provide an environment that is predator-free and with stable temperature so that the bird and its offspring can thrive. Another factor to demonstrate the significant role of the zoo is its ample educational value for children of all ages. Zoo is the ideal place to instil the awareness to preserve the environment into young generation's mind.

In conclusion, although facing with several criticisms for its moral issues, the zoo still play a crucial part in protecting endangered species and education young children.
PaulthePhoenix   
Jul 31, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - Musical albums purchased in the UK according to sex and age [4]

Hi Hiền, the essay is great, well expression, rich lexical resource. I just make one comment on the sentence: it is clear that most musical albums were purchased ... You should avoid using this is clear or this is obvious (as if this is so clear why don't you are asked to analyze it). Instead you should correct it the graph show musical album is most bought by people from 25 to 34.

Good luck with your study!
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