Undergraduate / "I must form a balance between the world about me and the world inside me" - NU supplement [6]

The structure is weakened by your very long paragraphs. You definitely need to break that up into smaller chunks.

And since you're writing about balance, you really ought to be balanced with the essay. Move through the points logically, clearly and directly.

Undergraduate / First generation college student and hopeful doctor; SMU supplement-additional info. [4]

I don't find any grammar errors. So that's a good start.

The only thing I see right now is that you didn't say why you choose medicine over other disciplines. Perhaps you could spend some time talking about that.

Undergraduate / One of the first paintings I ever fell in love with was Van Gogh's Starry Night [3]

First of all, I agree with reader about the word count requirement.

Second, I can feel your passion in your words. That Van Gogh painting made me cry the first time I saw it. it still moves me, as it has obviously moved you. In this essay, you have expressed that very well.

Writing Feedback / How people can gain job satisfaction?/ Factors contributing to job satisfaction [5]

Glad to see you made the chnages. Your ideas are sound ones, too. Of course money and challenge is what everyone needs.

You might want to add in something about talents, too. Job satisfaction comes from doing what we do naturally.

Graduate / MFA Creative Writing Essay [3]

Can't wait to see you put it all together. There are good ideas here.

Mention some of your writing, the kind you like to do. What was your favorite piece. Why?

What do you do when the writing won't come?

Undergraduate / "Call to action, saving the ocean" UC prompt 2 [5]

This is good, but there are some errors that make it not quite perfect. Read it out loud to yourself and you'll see what I mean.

Undergraduate / Transfer Admissions Essay my 'NEW' essay to NYU - "My Valuable Education" [7]


In the first one, you said who 'she' is. Now you didn't, and it's confusing. Don't cut these kinds of things.

Now that all the 'I's are gone, it reads much better. Now you sound much more like a mature young lady. That will carry some weight with the committee.

Undergraduate / I Do Also Have a Dream. [8]

Like tsunami said, a little too much dreaming. Including the King quote was a good touch, and it's ok to refer to it again. But not so much.

Focus instead on the things you accomplished, dreams realized. That's the impressive part.

Undergraduate / "the best team in our district" - critique my short answer essay [7]

This is a perfect opportunity to make football something more. We all played for the glory. That's kind of a no-brainer. What we got were friendships, and memories, and life-skills like teamwork and planning and problem-solving and the pleasure of physical activity. Play those things up. Those things are what the college is looking for.

Undergraduate / "I must form a balance between the world about me and the world inside me" - NU supplement [6]


This is a little awkward. Can you rephrase it?


Remember tha trule about dangling prepositions? It applies here, too, even though it isn't dangling. This is better: the people on campus with whom I interacted.

tsunami's comments are good ones too.

Undergraduate / Essay for Vet Tech School [3]

That third paragraph is reallllllllyyyyy long. It needs to be broken up some. Also there are way too many details. It's obvious enough that you are passionate about this, but those who read it may not feel so passionate about reading what you fed the penguins and rays.

Here's the thing: it's a balance, making people who will make a decision about you care about you. They need and want to feel your passion, they really do. But they aren't going to, after reading hundreds of these, really care about it the same way you do. And you wouldn't expect them to.

So my advice is to cut about half of those details out, talk about it generally, while also speaking about your love of doing it. I know it's a hard thing to do, but you just don't want them giving up on the reading before they're done. Let them wonder about it, if they are so inclined.

Undergraduate / "Choose your future" - Ohio State Admission essay [6]


You might not want to say this. In general, colleges don't stick out. I know what you mean, but you can word it better. Like Ohio State was very noticeable to me from the start, or something. That sounds better.

Undergraduate / Common App-volunteer work at community center... making it flow better? [8]

You can change 'thus' to 'so.' 'Thus' is kind of old-style, not much used any more. 'So' flows better.

You could add a concluding sentence like "Being true to my faith means taking care of even the smallest of details." Something like that. It provides a nice closure.

Writing Feedback / How people can gain job satisfaction?/ Factors contributing to job satisfaction [5]

which influence on satisfaction in career

affecting on satisfaction inat work.

No matter how high positions people are in their organization, they cannot be satisfied if their incomes are not enough for their lifelives and their familyfamilies . Satisfied material demands is one of the most essential factors contributing to get working satisfaction.satisfaction at work.

it is really difficult for all workers canto be satisfied in

Even though they know well that they do are not suitedto for that work, they still work for; , because

He often says to me that he hates working

he still works there due to a high salary.

In conclusion, to achieve working satisfaction isfont#FF0000]it us important part of working life time for every oneimportant to be challenged and well-paid . However, how to be satisfied depends on each person's view. Nowadays, there are many factors that contribute to job satisfaction, and it really hard for all employees to be satisfied about their jobs.

Lots of work needed with prepositions especially, and also subject-verb agreement.

Research Papers / Research paper using participant observation [3]

That's good advice, Jeannie, and you're right.

Sometimes, Samantha, it's easier to write the beginning last. Go ahead and write up the research stuff first, and as you do that, a way of introducing it may come to you. At least it will get you unstuck.

Undergraduate / 'strong and critical mind' - Brown supplement-why does Brown appeal to me. [7]

Good comments. I think they're really helpful.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer Green Team! [6]

Much better.

Undergraduate / Want to get help on my Common Application Essay: an experience [8]


I think 'barriers' would go better here.

It is a good essay. Very nice experience, too. It shows that you are persistent, and when you are in college, you are going to need a lot of persistence.

Undergraduate / Common App significant experience:moving to America [4]

You're English is certainly excellent now. Much better than a lot of native speakers I know.

It is rather long, but you've come a long way, and all of the things you talked about are relevant. Do you have a word limit?

Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]


This is a fragment.

The paper is outstanding, but you are going to need references.

Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

The essay is outstanding and a rwal tribute to your patience and integrity.

Like lalala, though, I'd like to see some of what you really lost. That's a part of the emotional content too.

Undergraduate / 'strong and critical mind' - Brown supplement-why does Brown appeal to me. [7]

No, if you are providing that information to the same people.

This is nice, but needs some cleaning in the grammar department.


'Came across with' is weird. And I'm not sure that a Facebook recommendation is the best way to introduce this thing. Seems a bit shallow for a decision you probably ought to have already been thinking about.

Essays / I need to do a Cause and Effect essay and would like to do it on infertility. [5]

Of course it makes sense.

Right now, the topic is too broad. There are lots of angles to it. Find one or two aspects of it that you like, and then do some research on those. That's the best way to start.

Undergraduate / The Joy of Small Things (Common App essay #1) [7]

I don't think it can be much better. this is one of the better essays I've read here. I could just see those little kids...

Nicely done. The transitions are great.

Undergraduate / Common App. - extracurricular activity - football - I love this game [9]

Much better, and I think that all the comments from everybody helped.

You're on the right track now.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer Green Team! [6]

How about 'different activities?'

It reads very well. One other little mistake---a past tense verb where you need a present tense one.


Otherwise, it's a good piece.

Undergraduate / Common app - Italy!! Legend words [8]

This is really good and you're a good writer BUT:

Find a tense and stick with it. This one jumped around all over the place. I never knew where you were.

Watch the extravagant vocabulary. Some of it doesn't fit. Just use words you normally use when you write.

Undergraduate / Michigan Setback Essay - Irritable Bowel Syndrome [5]

The vocabulary issue was identified. That was what I noticed first. Always use words you normally use while you're breaking in the others.

I was not familiar with this condition, and I was a little surprised you wrote about it. It didn't seem like anything I'd put down for college. However, you did it well, and that's commendable.

Please just remember that all parts of an essay are to be equally strong. Fading away at the end isn't good. Read through it and see where it may be weak, and find ways to correct that. Then it will be much better.

Undergraduate / "Han-bok" - U of Michigan diversity essay [6]

It's nice. There are a few mistakes grammatically, but overall it reads well.

I'm sure that you enjoyed that experience, and I know that the word limit is short. What makes me curious is whether that feeling continued after the costumes were off. That's the real test of what you say you learned and felt.

Undergraduate / 'Jay Gatsby's poverty' - Common App Personal essay: character from fiction [2]

Outstanding! You've answered the prompt very well, applying it eloquently to your self.

There are a few errors. Read it aloud and try to find where they are. It should be obvious when you hear it.

Undergraduate / MIT Short Answer #3 - Time you used your Creativity [6]

Good comments all.

I enjoyed the piece very much. It's what I do when I am writing fiction. So I know exactly what you are talking about.

Undergraduate / "Speak Up" - college essay. NEEDS REVISIONS [6]

Much better. Changing the vocab changed the sense of sincerity. This is just like you would have spoken it. Wonderful!

Undergraduate / Fortification - Rice Supplement Essay [6]

Yes. Sometimes, when we are writing, we have a word in mind, but we want a better one. So we might look in a thesaurus to find a synonym and choose one, but it doesn't mean exactly the same thing, but it sounds good, so we stick it in there. What happens is that the meaning is changed slightly, and it doesn't have the precision we need. It sounds stilted and artificial then.

The point of these essays is to be clear and direct. Use the words that come to you naturally, words you're comfortable with. Reaching is using those other words we've heard but haven't quite broken in.

Undergraduate / Common App. - extracurricular activity - football - I love this game [9]

That's ok, but it could apply to almost anything. Why football?

You could talk more about teamwork, using intelligence to solve problems, taking things as they come, having an awareness of those around you.

Football is hard, and takes skill to play well. And it takes extraordinary ability to lose gracefully. those are qualities you'll need in college, too.

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement:what don't you know.DREAM SCHOOL! [8]

The essay is a good one, and the comments are very helpful.

Try reading it aloud. You'll hear te errors better then and may know what to change.

Essays / Essay for Brit Lit .. First essay need help on theses statement [2]

It all comes down to the divine in nature. That's what you're looking for first. The Romantic believed strongly in the divine as an agent of change in the world. But it would not come as angels on high, or anything like that. Instead, God worked through and with nature to effect change in the individual, and by extension, the world.

So, choose passages which illustrate this. Begin your essay with a quote from one, or another Romantic writer (Keats, Coleridge, etc.). That's where I would begin.

Undergraduate / " volunteered in a kindergarten" - Common Application short essay [10]

The second effort is much better. this is another case where reading it out loud will point you to difficult places. Try that and see if it helps.

Undergraduate / 'High Heels award' - Personal essay for UCLA(Transfer to film major) [5]

I think I'd skip the orchestra part, too. it really isn't necessary.

this is a good essay. I like the feel of it, and can get a sense of your dedication to filmmaking in it.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:ELECTRIC BOOK OR PAPER BOOK?(contrast) [8]

I think there's a lot valid, but the language errors make it almost impossible to decode.

I don't think most people will take the time to get through it. It is too dense with grammar and other mistakes.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP - "Snake" [9]


to which I was submitted

Interesting. I like the juxtaposition between being human and snake.