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Posts by phong3baotap
Name: Phong Van
Joined: Feb 6, 2020
Last Post: May 4, 2020
Threads: 7
Posts: 19  
Likes: 4
From: Viet Nam
School: BK

Displayed posts: 26
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phong3baotap   
Apr 29, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: The percentage of water consumption for some goals in four continents [3]

the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas



The diagrams give information about the percentage of water consumption for some goals in four continent.
The agricultural purpose for which water is used around the world accounts for the largest proportion of the total amount consumed, those figures are higher 80% in Asia, Africa and 70% in South America. Whilst the number for Industrial is higher in North America and Europe as standing at 48% and 53% respectively.

In contrast, the percentage of domestic use is the smallest in North America, Europe and South East Asia as stand at 13%, 15% and 17% respectively. The industrial sector also in the same situation as it required the least amount of water in Africa, Central Asia and South America, specifically the figures of that is 7%, 5% and 10% respectively.

Step into the analysis, we can realise that in two continent around the North Atlantic people consume too much water for industrial objective while in the other mainlands this need is only a minority. The other disparity can be seen on that for the farming segment as it varies from one-third in "old continent", through almost half and two-third in the land in Earth's western hemisphere, and to around four-fifths in the oriental and the hottest area. The smallest difference belonging to internal consumption goal as the modest figures are less than one-fifth in all-region.

(224 words)




phong3baotap   
Apr 29, 2020
Writing Feedback / Essays about benefits of smartphone [4]

Some errors:
...better by with the help...
...thowusands...
...everything has its a downside...

...ourshelves.
phong3baotap   
Mar 30, 2020
Writing Feedback / Our planet's nature - writing IELTS Task 2 cambridge 14 [3]

Some grammar error you need to note:
1. important environmental problems.
2. In addition, on in a busy city, .. that there are is a large number ...
3. If these things still are done ...
4. ... problems of this these aspects.
5. .. by reduceing the killing ..

phong3baotap   
Mar 30, 2020
Research Papers / Mental Health Disorders and their Causes [3]

@Daniirish2804
OK, some grammar error:
1- forty six => forty-six It appears that you are missing a hyphen with the compound number forty six . Consider adding a hyphen.
2- is because => is that It appears that the conjunction because is the wrong word choice after reason is. Consider changing it to that or rewriting the sentence. Because is redundant because it means 'for the reason that' (The reason is for the reason that...) Is is a linking verb and should not be followed by an adverbial clause introduced by the conjunction because.

3- a mental illness The indefinite article, a , may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun illness in your sentence. Consider removing it.

4- caused from by a stressful environment

5- The amount number of people to ...
It appears that the quantifier The amount does not fit with the countable noun people . Consider changing the quantifier or the noun.
phong3baotap   
Mar 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / 'Museums should be open to everyone' - IELTS Task 2 - Many museums charge for admission [4]

Many museums charge for admission while others are free.


Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the
disadvantages?

My essay:
There is a fact that lots of museums charge a fee whilst others do not. This essay shows the author's point of view that the drawbacks of charging prevail over its benefits.

Truly, a museum is one of the main social infrastructures for the community since it is a unique place that attracts both locals and international tourists alike to go on weekends for vacation, leisure, travel, and study purposes. Therefore, the government needs to be responsible for funding its activities. In addition, the current average price for the entrance fee that is about 30 USD is so high that children or families which do not earn much simply can not afford such amount.

The opposing view that like all other building, they need money to maintain their performance and to prevent someone from entering with ill intentions, so, charging visitors is necessary as it is clearly a direct and fastest way to do this. I disagree with that view because museums can be operated based on supply from the national budget or can use the revenue generated from rental stores inside it to reduce ticket prices and security issues can be solved by high technology measures. For example, Independence Palace, a landmark building in Saigon today serving as a museum, houses many service stall inside such as cafeteria, fast food, souvenir shop, monographs, and so on, besides, the building management board also install cameras everywhere from the interior to exterior in order to monitor and prevent valuable property theft activities. Above all, museums should be open to everyone.

(259 words)
phong3baotap   
Mar 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Public funds on the arts? Is the government wasting money? [5]

@bee_linhtinh
Some grammar errors you can fix:

1- Not all countries in the world can provide their citizens with enough basic necessities in life. Some of which are even suffering from wars and severe life living conditions.

The phrase "life condition" is true but uncommon and rarely used. "Living conditions" refers to the circumstances of a person's life-shelter, food, clothing, safety, access to clean water, and such. I don't think "life conditions" is an idiomatic phrase. An alternative might be "conditions for life," which refers to circumstances needed for physical or biological life to exist-water, energy, a suitable environment, and such. If there is a distinction then:

- "living conditions" = conditions under which you live
- "life conditions" = conditions under which you are alive, though other phrases like 'conditions for life' are more common

2- Arts in general can promote physical and mental well-beings of individuals and this can only be achieved after physiological needs are fulfilled, which means people are not starved and fully sheltered.
phong3baotap   
Mar 23, 2020
Writing Feedback / The salmon passes from infant to adult during the natural process known as the life cycle [4]

The life cycle of the salmon



The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My Essay:
The pictures illustrate the way in which the salmon passes from infant to adult during the natural process known as the life cycle.
Overall, the process has different stages starting from a higher stream through a lower stream and eventually to the ocean.
Beginning at the watercourse, which flows sluggishly, the salmon exists as an embryo in fertilized eggs, interspersed among pebbles right at reed stumps in the riverbed. About half a year later tiny fry, which are from one third to nearly 1 decimeter in size, leave the nest of gravel to prepare for a new life downstream.

The second phase labelled "lower river" with the swift current lasts roughly 48 months until when they have grown to between 5 and 6 inches in smolt's body length.

Finally, the juvenile fishes gather at river estuary to travel offshore and thenceforth they officially enter adulthood. They spend 5 birthdays before reaching the size of three-quarter meter to be able to swim against the current in the river where they were born and lay eggs there to reset a new cycle for the next generation.

(215 words)




phong3baotap   
Mar 23, 2020
Writing Feedback / Will printed media soon be a thing of the past? What is your opinion ? [4]

@nguyenluuphuchao
Your essay is lacking example.
First, you suppose that the prolonged exposure to these digital devices will take a heavy toll on our eyes in the long term but you have not given any specific figures or statistics according to a health agency.

Second, you argued that e-books do not cost as much as the tangible ones. Why? In fact, I still find some books sold at bookstores for just $1, while sold online is more expensive than those for a few reasons.
phong3baotap   
Mar 23, 2020
Writing Feedback / [Task 2 IELTS] Communication between employers and workers is the most important factor [3]

@lovewriting
You might consider the alternative:
1) ... and present my own position. (the word "own" seemed to create a tautology.)

2) Additionally, or maybe, as a result... (It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter as a result. Consider adding the comma(s). You can find example at url: merriam-webster.com/dictionary/as%20a%20result)
phong3baotap   
Mar 16, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Countries are becoming more and more similar because... [4]

similarities between nations



My Essay:
It is a fact that there are increasingly many similarities between nations for the reason that any person can purchase equivalent merchandise from around the globe. This phenomenon, as know as globalization, has been becoming a trend thanks to its practical economic benefits. Nevertheless, almost everything has its price, it's difficult to avoid the potential risk behind it.

It is clear that internationalization facilitates economic and trade cooperation, hence promote competition between industries in all countries. For example, someone can buy cars from every brand such as Toyota, Mercedes, etc. right in their homeland without import tax and don't need to travel to the distant countries of manufacture. Consequently, either domestic or foreign car-makers must incessantly change and improve its design as well as technology in order to enhance competitiveness from which we can get better choices of products with higher quality as well as in affordable price.

Furthermore, it promotes cultural exchange, thus it improves the mental life of people. For instance, everyone can wear any types of fashion style, eat any traditional dishes from other countries right in their fatherland.

In contrast, universalization is not without consequences. It can cause a loss of cultural identity and diversity, in particular the confusion between cultures. To illustrate, there many building in my country draped in a mess of architecture style, such as a hybrid of old and new, western and eastern, etc.

Besides, as we have been experiencing, the difficult-to-control spread of COVID-19 being causing the hundreds of thousands of casualty over the world is to some degree due to globalisation. So, we need to have a measure to ensure epidemiological safety, even applying the closed-door policy for a while if necessary.

Altogether, globalisation has been making life more comfortable than in the past, although there are some issues to resolve. So, I hope this trend will progressively be accepted by everyone soon.

(312 words)




phong3baotap   
Mar 16, 2020
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 of IELTS: UK TELEPHONE CALLS - the total number of minutes by three categories [3]

@vanessazhang00
One more key feature that you can add to your essay as an alternative to making the conclusion sounds more general:

=> In brief, although the rankings remained the same, the three genres gradually narrowed the margin between them from over 30 billion minutes to about one-third of that number throughout the period.

Because your summary only mentions 2 categories, meanwhile the task gives you 3 categories.
Besides, the strong increase in mobile phone data is mentioned in the last sentence of the third paragraph, so I don't think you should repeat it at this conclusion.

Hope this help!
phong3baotap   
Mar 16, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in New Zealand, from 1901 to the prediction for 2101. [3]

@kerry19910620
You can use the phrase "overtake that of ... and ended up at..." as an alternative to making the sentence sound better and provide more information:

In the last 40 years. The death

..., it increased dramatically and overtook birth rates in 2041 and it is expected ... In the last 40 years, the death rate is ...
phong3baotap   
Mar 16, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 #Antarctic ozone hole and damaging gases [6]

@Eileen0216
You can use the phrase "LAGGED THAT OF" as an alternative to making the sentence sound better and provide more information:

In contrast, ... respectively, while. Both of them ... and 1990 as the figure for H2O2 lagged that of NO2 by a significant margin.
phong3baotap   
Mar 9, 2020
Writing Feedback / What UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after graduation. [4]

Destination of uk students (2008)



The graphs below give information about works students attained a bachelor's degree or higher in the UK do, excluding full-time employments, after graduation in 2008.

Overview, there is a huge difference in the figure for voluntary work and further study, whilst there is a small dissimilarity in term of correspondence between the types of jobs that graduate and postgraduate chose.

Regarding quantity, the further study holds the most dominant position on the chart at 29,665 graduate and 2,725 postgraduate. By contrast, the voluntary work seemed not to be attractive to alumni. For its part, the figure for unemployed is around half as many as for further study.

It is clear that the figures for 3 of 4 given types of work picked by graduate were 10 times higher than that by postgraduate, including voluntary work, further study and unemployment as stood at 345, 2725 and 1625 students respectively. Yet, there was a difference in the correlation of part-time work between postgraduates and graduate as the number of postgraduate for this activity was almost the same as for further study while the number of graduate is around half.




phong3baotap   
Feb 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like... [3]

students should choose a subject they desire



My Essay:

Opinions are divided on whether undergraduate need to research what they enjoy or just be able to learn beneficial matter for their later career, including science and technology topics. Personally, I do think both views are reasonable as each has its own merits.

It is certainly true that newly-graduated students should have a job to support themselves. They must be in the know about certain subject to do a good job, whereas today many professions need the help of scientific and technological advances resulting from the GNR Revolution including genetics, nanotechnology, robotics and the industrial revolutions including personal computers, internet of things, cloud computing, intelligence artefact, big data, cyber-physical system, smart cities, etc. So they are recommended to explore these helpful things while they are in college.

However, there are other benefits of doing what they love. First of all, science and technology are such difficult issues that not everyone can learn it. Besides, they need to ensure the balance among field of study for sustainable development goal because a complete and perfect man is a person that is generally good at a wide range of things, either in a sector or many, for example, an all-rounder is a learner who is good at math, science, history and English. Moreover, the fact that all successes in life do not come from natural talents but from the effort and hard-working that can only be achieved by passion. We can found it in the examples of celebrity in a number of areas from science & technology such as Albert Einstein, Steve Job, etc. to athletic such as Christiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, etc. And last but not least, they tend to be expert with something that is our knack.

For the reasons mentioned above, while studying the topics that will be useful in the future, it seems to me that students are more likely to be successful in their careers if they choose the subject they desire.

(324 words) Thank you all in advance!




phong3baotap   
Feb 19, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS1: Earnings generated by the selling Fairtrade-labelled coffee and bananas in five countries [5]

My Essay:

coffee and bananas sales numbers



The table charts show earnings generated by the selling Fairtrade-labelled coffee and bananas in some European markets in 1999 and 2004.
Overall, the largest quantity of product purchase on coffee and bananas happen in UK and Switzerland, which generates above 5 million euros in revenue. On the other hand, the Denmark, Belgium and Sweden market makes lower profits.

Out of the five countries, consumer spending on coffees was noticeably higher in the UK at 20 million euros and in Switzerland at 6 million euros in 2004. Concerning the banana consumption, the most important market is Switzerland at 15 and 47 million euros (in 1999 and 2004 respectively), which is followed by the UK generating income of 5.5 million euros in 2004.

It can be seen that Belgian consumed least on the banana as it spent only 600,000 euros on it in 1999, while Danish expended only 900,000 euros for the native tropical Asian fruit. As for coffees, a drink derived from dark brown powder with a strong flavour and smell, don't seem to attract Swedes much as they only pay 800,000 and 1 million euros (in 1999 and 2004, respectively) for it.