Undergraduate / Bu essay. 3 words that describe you! comments are welcome! [4]

Ilike your approach. But you should go into an example of how you are ambitious as well. That just seems tacked on now.

I would take out the first sentence, but that's purely a personal prefrence.
For this paragraph you're awfully general. A better strategy would be to do some research and be specific about how your compassion, ambition, and creativity will contribute to BU (specific activities/organizations).

Undergraduate / A book that has affected you and how - Occidental Supplement [5]

Yeah, I agree with Vicki. You're hook is great but your conclusion is very weak and lacks much needed nuance. You should spend less time talking about how much you didn't want to read your AP Biology book and more about how the book actually affected you (answering the prompt). Also, it could really be more personal instead of so general.

I was indolent, and lacked the motivation to commit to the long study hours. I spent half an hour skimming chapters, assuming I would be prepared for class, when I should have been focusing on in-depth reading.

- If you legnthen your conclusion for word count. You could take this out, or shorten it. I can see you're being honest but this kind of makes you sound bad.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

CommonApp - Topic of your Choice - Final Draft

Because the original one does not allow for replies anymore...

So this is pretty close to my final draft. Any advice is welcome! But also, I really want to make sure I don't have any silly grammatical errors or awkward wording. I bolded the sentences I have been having trouble with. It would be awesome if you guys could suggest a way to improve on them.

Thanks so much!
I have no problem returning the favor if you ask! =)

Prompt #6 - Topic of your choice

Also, do you guys have any ideas for a good title?
Dreams Deferred was just the first thing that came to my mind, but in reference to the poem by Langston Hughes, it really doesn't make much sense.

Thanks!!!

Undergraduate / I was completely ignored by Freshman Mentor; COMMON APP [19]

Being a motivated individual, I was ignored, with no concern shown for my academic well-being.

This sentence doesnt make sense...Why would your motivation cause you to be ignored? Elaborate or change it to something more clear.

Undergraduate / "real, tangible, and alive - Science!" Cornell Arts and Sciences interests essay [7]

Cute hook! I like you're essay, but you could always go add more nuance and really illustrate the beauty and captivation you feel for science...But that's not really necessary.

I do think it would be a nice touch to end your essay with:

If someone were to ask me what my favorite subject was again, I would without a moment's hesitation blurt out "science!"

That way you are referring back to the introduction, and giving your essay a clean finish.

Would you mind reading mine? Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'devotion to education and good' - UPenn academic and social community [6]

Hey first off, I really like your essay! Its strong overall, but you could add more detail about how tutoring personally affected you and why you want to continue on with it.

I reach out to open the door to my home and watch as my world suddenly changes colors and swirls all around me. The next thing I know, I am lying in my bed and listening to my radio alarm as it plays Michael Jackson's "Just Beat It."

Your intro was great. I would just add one more detail that's really "american" to emphasize the shift.

I ask that UPenn invest in my being so that my knowledge may growand that I may participate in The Community Algebra Initiative thus reflecting Ben Franklin's devotion to education and his commitment to public good.

This sentence sounds a bit awkward. I would suggest breaking it into two sentence

Would you mind looking at mine?
Thanks!

Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer for Theatre for Stanford, Yale - Too pretentious? [6]

Overall, I like your writing. My main critique is that I think you should spend less time "telling" and more time "showing." A simple fix to this would be to take out "something uniquely pleasing to someone with my love for character complexity." (not really necessary) and elaborate on "the necessity of friction to keen performances." (doesn't make sense as of now)

Would yo mind reading mine?
Thanks!

Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer for Theatre for Stanford, Yale - Too pretentious? [6]

In my time at Winchester College, I directed two plays, God Bless America, a satire I wrote on the 2008 presidential election which I wrote, in my fourth year, and Henrik Ibsen's Ghosts in my fifth year.

I didn't even notice this problem at first. Haha.

The experience of directing Ghosts is among those I most value from my school experience. I would use a different word for experience

Otherwise yes, this is better! =)

Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]

"I'm going to such a lot of classes," ? I thought, fidgeting Okay, I get what you mean. But the initially connotation with fidgeting is a bit negative, makes me think you were either nervous or impatient, maybe add fidgeting with excitement. as the admissions officer explained Brown's requirements.

Very nice! I dont have any critiques, I really like it. Would you mind reading mine? Thanks!!!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement event or experience [10]

So one more thing...
I really like your essay, but I don't see clearly how your quote applies. Are you saying you didn't know yourself? Like the fact that you were colorblind?

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Really??
Maybe you've read my essay before..?

Oh and thank you I will look at yours now..

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

This is what I have so far. I'm not ver pleased. And, I still need to add, just don't know how/what yet.. Please tell me what you think!

Tnanks!!!

''The world as revealed by science is far more beautiful, and far more interesting, than we had any right to expect. Science is valuable because of the view of the universe that it gives.''

George Greenstein, Professor of Astronomy, Amherst College

"Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva."
The first time I heard a doctor on Discovery Health Channel announce this term, I spent the next five minutes committing it to memory. I can not say I had a particularly good reason for doing this; the disease was virtually irrelevant to my life. Yet, I repeated this term to myself over and over again, slowly enunciating each syllable in order to learn the proper pronunciation. I did this because medicine captivates me. To me, it is abstract and beautiful.

I developed this sentiment at the age of seven. My aunt, Barbara Alexander, had been diagnosed with lupus. I remember every time she went to the hospital, I would ardently dig out my crayons and glitter and create a masterfully crafted "get well soon" card. However, as the years went on and the hospital visits became more frequent, it became evident to me that she was not going to 'get well soon.' Thus, at the age of seven I realized only one thing could make my aunt better: medicine. I decided that when I grew up I would discover a cure for lupus and the first person I would cure would be my Aunt Barbara.

My young mind began to view medicine not only as a source of knowledge, but as a source of life and thus beauty. Undoubtedly, that is why I fell in love with it. Its beauty resonated from the fact that it was the science of humanity. Medicine retained the ability in itself to save my aunt's life. Although my aunt passed away years ago, my dream has not. My passion is all the more stregnthened the beauty I see.

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Yeah, I'm really stuck on how to add to it... How is my approach/organization of ideas? Do I just need to add or completely rework?

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Thanks! =)
but really, do you have any further uggestions?? I really want to get into this school.

Oh and no I haven't lol.

Undergraduate / A Tree or a Cloud? - Harvard Optional Essay [7]

And it is amidst these inabilities to understand our life, that we choose to leave the inscrutable only as thoughts and questions we all bewilder at; passive, subservient to the works of the world. The phrase after a semi-colon should be a complete sentence

Life, as William Blake poetically puts it, paints a tree and a cloud above it; Is that a quote? If so use quotation marks that the tree, graceful as it is, devours only the riches of the Earth bestowed within its reaches, and falters at the same ground where its seed first birthed. The cloud above it, however less lush nor graceful, is fluid and roams the Earth - worriless, so fast-changing, that its riches abound in greater multitude, and in far places, you and I, would never know.

You start a lot of sentences with "and," which I understand given the informal tone of your essay. However, I would be careful with that. Often, its really unnecessary. Maybe do it once or twice (not in the same section) to keep the informal tone, but don't get carried away; this is still somewhat formal writing.

Overall, your essay is very impressive!
I reall enjoyed reading it and it really makes me want to sit down and have a conversation with you. Very creative approach!
My only concern is, what exactly is the prompt? Your approach is very creative and unique, but I hope you're still actually answering the question!

Other than that great job!

Would you mind reading mine, please??!
I really need help with this:

Undergraduate / "A shepherd's dream" The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. [6]

A few more suggestions, don't forget to look at mine please! =)

We have the same ingredients and share the same, simple recipe: mix passion, dreams, and guts, and cook in slow flame for seventeen years.
Yeah that sounds reall good!

Besides,I think this totally throws off the tone of your essay. Maybe use a different, more formal word my country doesn't offer me the chance to deepen my knowledge in the field I am most passionate about. A Neuroscience major, which I will most likely pursue , is still unfortunately a missing concept in the (name of country) Universities' curriculum. Will I leave everything to follow my dream?

I haveunecessary passive tense loved to see that part of Santiago that lies within me and within every other human that has dreams, and wishes for a voice to shout at him/her I liked that you had him before, especially if you're a guy. Either way is grammatically correct. : "You can make it!".

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Thanks poisenivy, yeah I think I already read it haha.
Hmmm yeah you're probably right!
I also feel like the prompt requires more creative response... but I'm not much of a creative writer. I can be anecdotal, yes, but artistic or poetic no. =(

Is my response okay in that respect?
Can you think of any way Icould make it better

and thanks for the corrections Christine!

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

Other than what's already been said, I would suggest:

By the time we arrived, I had named the dog Buddy, and I insisted on cuddling with him while we waited, even though I would later have to throw out my clothes.

Overall though, great writing! I do hope you plan on doing more than just a closing sentence. You need a real conclusion. I'm not sure at all what the point of this essay is as of now, otherwise I would advise you on whether or not you should also allude to it throughout your essay. Basically, its a really great story! Just doesnt say anything about you, well much, but I'm sure your working on that.

Good Job. You're a fantastic writer.
Would you mind helping me with mine?

Sooo.. Sorry I edited your old one haha. This one is actually much better, as far as cutting back in concerned. However, I think your conclusion could be stronger.

It was as though he understood that a smile can heal.Hmmm... It could just be me, but this kind of bothers me. Maybe you need to elaborate on what you mean. It just seems kind of tacked on. Eight years later, stressed out about college applications and career choices, all I have to do is close my eyes, picture Buddy's big, bright grin, and I know I'll be fine. As does this. You should cut this and make your message deeper. LIke right now it seems that you're saying his smile had the ability to heal... First off what do you mean by that and more importantly what does that mean to you I don't see how that relates to you being stressed out by college apps...I mean I can, but you could go much deeper with it.

The rest of your essay is still good though

Please do look over mine =)

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

I hope you noticed I re-edited your essay. Sorry I edited the old one!
Thanks for your comments!

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

Yes, that conclusion is much better. =)

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Final comments? What do you guys think about the title? Thanks and I'll be sure and reuturn the favor! =)

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Okay that really helps! haha
I tried to look at your but I didnt really see how I could help you right now..
Is there anything else you need help with??

Undergraduate / A Tree or a Cloud? - Harvard Optional Essay [7]

No I really liked the title actually.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Haha thanks for checking back Wanderer!
You've been very helpful!

Also, does my new title work: Dream a Little Dream. I was really having difficulty thinking of anything clever =(

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Thank you for your help!
One question though...I always gets antsy about grammar.

Should my last sentence have a colon?
Moreover, my passion is all the more strengthened by my realization of the beauty in medicine: its touch on humanity.
or is the way I have it correct???

Undergraduate / NYU Common app supplements-- 2050 movie, famous NYorker, poem on me, why NYU? [4]

As one who has hardly set foot into New York City, I miss much of the rich culture flowing underneath the business centers that I have visited with my father. Of all the spectacles in NYC, the one I am most interested in seeing is the unique amalgamation of foreign races and cultures. Jerry Seinfeld, for one, is sure to hit every aspect of foreign culture in NYC right on its head. We would tour the hot dog stands, ride the taxis, and explore the deep culture of NYC, laughing all the way.

This response is a bit off for a number of reasons. First of all the part of your first sentence does not do a good job in relating to/exemplifing the second half of the sentence - I would just scrap it. Then in your sentence about JS you really dont need "for one" - It would also be nice if you explain why you think that and elaborate on what you mean by "is sure to hit every aspect of foreign culture in NYC right on its head"

Other than that I like your response, with the exception of the poem, unfortunately I am not the one to ask for help with such things... Sorry!

Would you mind looking over my amherst supplement?
THANKS!

Undergraduate / Academic and social communities in the University of Pennsylvania [11]

WOW this is really good!
I don't see anything wrong with it...and yes I think it does sound better

Would you mind helping me with mine?
Thanks!!!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Thanks! Yeah, its a song by louis Armstrong... I don't know I guess I should think of something else.

maybe: "I will dream"
idk
ugh I wish I was clever..

Could anyone help me with a title???

Undergraduate / Stanford essay: I am...I like... [8]

so do not cross the soccer field? unless you want to get hit by a ball.

the hardest of all subjects for me, e specially statistics hahaha Yeah I really dislike this class too - but I think I hate calculus more..lol

the passion I inherited from my mother and father

librarian I will play "Fiesta" ( Party) , a song I wrote on December 25, 2005,eh, not really necessary - makes the sentence a bit wordy on my guitar as celebration.

Cute ending!

Would you mind reading mine?

Undergraduate / UPenn page 217 of my autobiography: Strength of Stature [8]

AWE this is good!
I really like it.
The only thing is - it sounds more like a personal statement than p.217 of your autobiography... but it still works so don't sweat it!

Would you mind reading mine?
Thanks

Hope to seee you at Pennn! =)

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Haha thanks!
I decided on "What's in a dream?" for my Jan 1 deadline..?
Is that yourlast deadline? I have 2, 10, adn 15 left - ugh I really wish I was done though!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Thanks yeah - I changed the title to - "What's in a Dream?"

Should I keep that title?
I still have like four different deadlines left lol

Undergraduate / Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community. [6]

Always in my life I have pursued challenges aiming for excellenceI have always... or Throughout my life... : that's why I am now knocking ...

Okay your first paragraph could be much stronger. To say you want to attend duke because they are known for their medical program isn't unique or that convincing - make it more personal and specific.

Undergraduate / "Nursing degree" - all they want is a simple response on academic goals? [12]

My grandmother was always in amazementamazed when I had full fledged

... she reassured everyone it was nothing major and ...

Nice essay. But it doesn't really feel very cohesive until the last line. I think you should find someway to say that language and nursing were your passions at the beginning so the reader doesnt feel like youre jusmping around

Thnaks for reading mine!

Undergraduate / "Nursing degree" - all they want is a simple response on academic goals? [12]

Haha, yeah that really made all the difference!

Good luck!
=)

Undergraduate / Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community. [6]

Good job gettig rid of the verbosity, flows a lot better now.

Uhm its better but I still feel like something's missing (it could totally just be a personal opinion though!). Is there a club/association that is at Duke you can talk about - that really flows nicely with your topic?

the examples you list are just a bit generic - I think thats my problem with the first have with your essay.

Would you mind looking at my revised Carleton Short answer pleasse! =)

Undergraduate / To assist people with problems - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [8]

You're essay is not bad!
Although you could really answer the prompt better, more creatively.

Include an anecdote - about a fulfilling experience you had helping someone - really the stuff about your parents is unecessary and a weak example.

Also, clarify your point. Do you want to pursue these fields becasue you want to help people or because they are intresting to you. Its alright if the answer is both, but your essay really needs to be more cohesive.

Look at mine?
Thankss!

Undergraduate / My Bitter Days, Common App - Character in Fiction [3]

From the moment Lucy utters these words, we all know what to expect. Despite an initial refusal, Charlie Brown will eventually become persuaded into following through on the offer. But as usual, moments before the kick, Lucy will swiftly snatch the ball away, causing Charlie Brown to fly in the air, screaming, "AAUGH!" before falling with a "WUMP!" on his back. It's the classic prank that the Peanuts comic is perhaps most famous for. As I grew up reading it as a kid, I initially felt inclined to, of course, laugh at the gullibility of Charlie Brown. However, as I grew older and continued to read this comic, I began to notice more admirable qualities in Charlie Brown's character. Qualities that, dare I say, inspired me.

Yes, I managed to become influenced by a child living in a world of comically small pianos and a typewriting beagle. I acknowledge that it seems strange, but it was the uniqueness of this source forof inspiration that gave me the confidence to follow Charlie Brown's example. As I reflected upon his countless attempts to kick the football, I became moved by his strength of character and ultimately, his refusal to give up in this situation. As a role model, he was unique in that instead of teaching me how to succeed, he taught me how to approach failure and adversity in my own situations.

Similar to Charlie Brown's difficulties with kicking a football, I also faced a challenge that involved a seemingly simple task. For a large portion of my high school career, I struggled with the skill of writing, often finding the process to be difficult and frustrating. My troubles showed when I entered my freshman year as it quickly became clear that I was not academically prepared for the curriculum offered at my new school. In addition, my mother and I faced struggles of our own. Shortly before I began high school, we had just moved to a new city. Unfortunately, we found ourselves without a permanent home and sometimes struggled to find a place to live. The combination of attending a new school and our troubles in finding a home overall made it more difficult for me to focus on my studies.

However, I still continued to endeavor towardsweird wording - work towards becoming a better writer. I began by devoting extra time towards practicing the skill and meticulously analyzing assignments in school that involved writing. But when I initially noticed hardly any improvement from my efforts, I felt disheartened. I attempted to keep up my efforts, but my motivation gradually began to fluctuate when I saw little reward Nice job expressing that! . My goals to succeed as a writer, it seemed, were doomed.

At that point I felt as though I could empathize with Charlie Brown. I believed my failed attempts must have felt no different than the "WUMP!" Charlie Brown experiences from falling on his back. However, this connection I realized eventually led to my inspiration. No matter how many times Lucy offered Charlie Brown the football, I could be assured he would make an effort to kick it every time. Seeing these difficulties, similar to the ones I had been facing, approached with such resilience and determination by a cartoon of a little boy pushed me to continue my efforts.

So I did. As I approached my later years of education feeling more determined and confident, I saw my situations beginning to improve. During my junior year, my mother and I finally bought a house, allowing me to dedicate greater focus to my studies. Shortly afterwards, at long last, I finally achieved a significant improvement as a writer. Teachers who previously taught me during freshman or sophomore year began to note an improvement in my writing level. It left me feeling incredibly overjoyed, and as the months went on, I finally began to see the reward for my efforts.

Lucy once sarcastically said to Charlie Brown, "Look at it this way Charlie Brown. These are your bitter days. These are your days of hardship and struggle. But if you'll just hold your head up high and keep on fighting someday you'll triumph!" Ironically,Hmm.. is that ironic? - Maybe interestingly, coincidentally... I believe she accurately described the reasons why I looked up to Charlie Brown. We all face obstacles in our lives, but it is how we approach them that is important. I may have been a late-bloomer when it came to my high school career, but these trying experiences have made me stronger and ready for the years to come.

AWE I really liked this! Creative way to approach the prompt!

Would you mind looking at mine?