Writing Feedback / Starting a new business is very advantageous [2]

Your essay is well set up, informative, and you made some very good points. I think you could make it even better though, if you add one or two more sentences at the end, about possibly taking a business class to increase the chances of making a business successful.

Writing Feedback / The basketball on 'Martin Carpena' - Writing about an event I've lived [2]

The game was tied most of the time, all the people were nervous, there was a lot of stress in the stands, because this was an important match.

The players waswere tired in the last minutes, when it was the most important moment,...

With less than four seconds left, Unicaja took too fast, and Mclntyre beats the defender and ran to the opponent field, he shot a triple, and in in the last second.

Still I see the video andit gives me the willies, how the reporter said, 'tell me I'm not dreaming'.

This is great! Also the most exciting essay I've read tonight!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Career women can trigger juvenile deliquency [2]

I found a few small changes you could make, and hopefully a 'career woman' won't be reading this, lol.

However, this trend has had a negative impact foron the development of children who ...

Nowadays, the numbersproblem of juvenile delinquency is ...

... in the school, such as skipping class , smoking, or stealing.

Extra money received by children, often being misused, such as for dissipate , ... I don't think this word is right in this sentence.

Writing Feedback / The typical steps of items production for consumers [2]

I found a few small changes you can make to fix this up a bit:

The diagram displays procedures of items in production for consumers, which is divided into two different steps, such as the fabrication process and information feedback.

It can be seen that though there are two starting points , but both of them are merge and resultingin same end point.

First of all, the manufacturing process is started by...

... the process to assembly, inspection, testing, packaging and dispatch , before the product...

... in production planning stage as this stage needs exact information about the number ...

The second step is on testing stages which influence the design stage.
... next step as this stages affects design, advertising, and packaging stages.

Great diagram!

Writing Feedback / Schools from different areas report that students tend to have behavioral problems [2]

Here are a few things that could be changed:

As it is commonly understood,that school influences the way of student's thought and behavior.

Some schools in different part report that students tend to have behavioral problems.
This will helpteach them how to respect each other.

You made some very good points, like the amount of time children spend unsupervised, and the way they might imitate video games. Good luck with school.

Research Papers / "High Wages, Low Ambitions" - Peer Review for My Argumentative Research Essay Regarding Minimum Wage [2]

Here are a few mistakes I found:

Many think that if the government would riseraise the minimum wage...

The reasoning behind minimum wage laws being put into play in America was tothat it would allow the people of the United States to...

Before President Obama was voted into office in 2009, he had a goal of making the minimum wage raiseraising the minimum wage even higher, to $9.50 per hour, yet even after taking office, there have been no signs of...

In America, there will always be a lower, middle, and upper class, but there is also a way for every one to get the education that they want.I think if you say this, you should elaborate, because who making minimum wage could afford the time/ cost of higher education?

A common misconception people have is that if the government raises the minimum wage, then the problems regarding...

Book Reports / Atticus is one of the best characters that exemplify the real courage in To Kill a Mockingbird novel [2]

Here are a few ways I think it would be better:

Most of the time,s people with this quality risk or sacrifice themselves , .... I think this would sound better if you wrote something like ...sacrifice 'something of' themselves... because usually when someone shows courage, they don't actually die, which what you wrote sort of implies.

On the other hand, Atticus does not listen to the town when he explains to Scout the reasons...

Atticus' actions throughout the novel shows that he wants...

In addition, Atticus risking his reputation is another way in which he shows courage throughout the novel.
Atticus does not want Scout to use her violence to solve problems. He wants Scouther to use her head to think and solve the conflict rather than using her fists. Atticus is willing to risk all he has, even his reputation to create a new world, in wherewhich people does not judge each other by their appearance.

Undergraduate / Public speaking fears - UW madison essay [2]

This is a great subject, and I think it fits in well with the prompt. Here are a few fixes:

... but for me it would be first time I had to speak in front of a group in my entire life.

I had few friends, and have always found it difficult to talk to a stranger.

My I had heavily scripted what I was going to say, in order to fight my anxiety.

When the teacher finally got to me, everything that wentcould have gone wrong, somehow did.

After what seemed like an eon, I quietly mentioned something about how I liked tennis because it only required a few people to play.

From that day on , I became more and more anxious about public speaking, ...

To me , I knew I had finally overcome my fear of public speaking.

As a student, speeches and presentations are relatively few and far between.

I had made friends, not only on my own team, but teams across the country.

:)

Undergraduate / 'At a younger age, the idea of me doing well in school was unheard of' - SOP for UT in Austin [2]

My academic history was not something I amwas proud of, yet...

Throughout my life I've witnessed my parents working hard to provide for my three siblings and I.

Being very active in my church, Life Ministries, has also persuaded me to continue my studies.

Your essay is great, and I only found these few minor things to edit. Good luck with school!

Undergraduate / 'CNN and Mexican military' - UT Austin essays B [2]

I pray that my mom isn't left alone. I pray that I can see my dad again.

America's ravenous appetite to get high fuels the war that every day ---usually, but not always, every day is 2 words. ---has sisters crying over their brother who was just assassinated in front of her eyes.

Every day a mother sobs and screams to the Virgen de Guadalupe...

The candidate for PAN vowed to keep the same strategy for fighting the cartels that President Calderon had initiated six long years ago.

In the months and weeks leading up to the election, my father and I worked to convince as many people we could to not vote for PAN, not out of past party loyalties, but because ...

My family's fear hasn't gone away.

Great essay, very informative. I have a flag waving uncle who lives in Texas, always whining about the border, Mexicans taking jobs, etc. I told him that anyone saying they're proud to be American, has black men and Mexicans to thank for it, as they built this country. He went a year without speaking to me, but has since matured, lol. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Your Future Roommate is Minnesotan"-Sanford Roommate Essay [7]

I am very excited to share my space with you, as we begin a new chapter in our lives.

I like your essay! The essay shows that you're outgoing, have a sense of humor, and seem easy to get along with. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Jumping into the Ocean Without a Lifeline UC PROMPT #2 [3]

It's not every day that a child attempts to learn the same skill that nearly claimed his father's life just five years before.

And As it was my job to teach him to conquer that ocean, my apprehension was just as paralyzing.

To Danny, I was a lifeline and a confidant, his trust weighing heavily on my inexperienced shoulders. ---Great sentence!

I think your essay answers the prompt very nicely. Good luck with school!

:)

Essays / Cornell College of Engineering Essay Topic - Virtual Stock Market (what to write about?) [4]

I was going to write about a piece of software I wrote in high school as FBLA president that allows its members to participate in a "virtual stock market", buying and selling stocks in real time and managing their portfolio.---awesome idea! If software would be considered engineering, it's great.

or could I write about the idea I had and relate it to my other interests in combining disciplines with computer science and how cornell could help me achieve that? ---That's an excellent idea, as long as you work Cornell in there and let them know they can help you!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / My Man O' War Experience-COMMON APP ESSAY [2]

The two weeks of routine 5am wake up, rigorous day tasks and inspirational talks were over and I was moving along on the road with my fellow students en route to Orozo which was ...

Now I tried t desperately to conserve the water, rather than to think of the distance the journey held.

True, it seemed like and the weight of the camping materials which I carried made it a struggle to keep up pace with them.

I listened carefully and struggled to accept the ways of life of those living in such areas, especially those villagers I saw earlier on.

Great ending!

:)

Undergraduate / 'a future CIA Agent' - St.John's University Essay [3]

I could not find anything to edit, and you seem to have answered all the prompts. I can tell by your essay that you're intelligent, well spoken, and a great writer. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'The Central Dogma of Molecular Biology' - SOP for a PhD in Cancer Biology [2]

It was only then that I truly appreciated that everything we are is derived from a macromolecule composed of five common elements.

The level of satisfaction I gained from doing so was unprecedented, because I felt as though I had finally found something that I could dedicate my working life to; molecular research.

My final year of university increased my communication, planning and problem solving skills to unknown heights, and I wish for this to continue.

:)

Undergraduate / Pulsating Diversity to Enhance Experience- Rutgers University Admissions Essay [2]

I was raised in a unique family, having a culture different from that of my peers.

...have given me the knowledge to spread diversity in the world, while captivating --I'm pretty sure this isn't the word you should have here. ---different cultures I experienced.

When I moved to the America, I realized the changes that would occur, as the culture would be slightly different.

My goal of becoming a health professional will include various obstacles, however, and the life experience through the community of Rutgers University will help me get through...

:)

Undergraduate / 'everyone has their strengths' - admissions topic is diversity [2]

Another way that I can contribute to diversity at UK is that I am adopted.

I grew up going to mass every Sunday with my family, and I have received four of the seven sacraments, and I love God.

Although I am proud to be Catholic, I accept other people's beliefs and do not criticize their religions .

I believe my examples of my diversity will be a great addition to the classroom and the kids I will be going to classes with.

:)

Undergraduate / Common application essay computer hacking and ary [2]

After a couple of days of programming, I found that my computer had the ability to access not only the Facebook pages of other students, but any supposedly secure page of any user was viewing on the network.

Showing off like sports----(?)

An hour after the meeting started, I was consulting on computer security for the school. ---This is awesome!!

People thought I was some black hat menace, lurking in the shadows, ---this is so great!--- but I was really making the network a safer place.

I meet with him almost every day , and I am not as nervous ...

--------------------------------------------

Artistic expression was once something that I never fully understood, but now it is a hobby I enjoy developing.

I have no intentions of being a world-renowned artist, but painting is a practice that has greatly affected my personal growth and has helped me become a well-rounded and reflective individual.

:)

Undergraduate / 'The District Attorney's office internship' - TFA Letter of Intent (<500 words) [2]

Their high schools had taught them so little, I find that my sixth grade students often know more than my college tutees.

This is by no means an isolated incident; ---WHAT is not an isolated incident?--

Teach for America sounds awesome, what a great idea! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Drinking and Driving - 'Andrew Chet Hamm died in an automobile accident' [2]

Chet's death, ---I think this sounds better.--- being the most recent loss, really had a tremendous effect on me.

When I received the news about Chet's tragic death, my mind raced thinking about all of the opportunities and experiences he will never be able to have because of another person's decision to drive in a hampered state.

The woman who crossed the double white lines and crashed into Chet had three previous DWI tickets, yet she was still driving.---I think the word 'tickets' should be 'convictions', because I don't think people who get stopped for drunk driving get off with just a ticket.

:)

Undergraduate / "Can film inspire social change?" - Cornell A&S Supplement Essay [2]

The art of cinema and its influence on me as a child were similar to the obsessions every kid has over Spider-Man or Toy Story.

...fascination and asked, "Can film inspire social change?"

...elements of powerful emotion and story I had seen in international movies, like My Name is Khan and Schindler's List.

... my bullying problems and the discrimination I felt throughout my life, inspired me to become change I wanted to see in the world.

It is this passion for social change that motivates me to pursue a double major of Film and Government at the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University.

:)

Undergraduate / Being Black in Suburbia -- Common App Essay [2]

Looking back now, I was right in some ways, and completely wrong in others.

This was definitely a new school, and the environment was not like any other that I had seen, but the school was not diverse in the ways that I had wanted it to be.

Although the students enrolled were exposed to a more international diversity, with kids of diplomats interacting with kids of CIA agents, they were very ignorant and naive about African American culture and life.

Living in suburbia as an African-American girl with an affinity for literature and education is still difficult, as there are many naysayers who still do not believe that I have the wits and passion to succeed in education as my other peers.

However, it is exactly this that fuels me every day to accomplish more than the last day before .

Great essay, you're an excellent writer. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / Oedipus the King argument thesis statement [2]

Oedipus the King is the story of a prominent king torn by "fate" and the destiny of the gods.

There are common lessons to be learned byfrom Oedipus and his catastrophic story.

Learning not to react emotionally and mentally different, regardless of the circumstances, and the critical mistakes of being judgmental and self-righteous, and ...

:)

Research Papers / Ethics College Class, Paper on Moral Courage (what to write about?) [2]

This sounds like a very interesting essay to write! What about dogs in the military, the morals behind bomb sniffing dogs, and whether you think using them for such a dangerous job is wrong? Or police dogs and their handlers? Have fun with this, then send it here for an edit.

:)

Essays / How to write essay about teenagers / minors (who complain they are being treated like children) [5]

You have to write the essay first, then send it here for an edit and/ or advice. This should be fairly easy to write, just write it out like a story, then state your opinion. If you want to, you can just begin it, then we can tell you if you're on the right track, and perhaps what to do next.

:)

Undergraduate / 'the children of New Orleans' - My meaningful experience/event - UF Essay [2]

While on my two-week mission trip, my youth group was able to contribute to the rebuilding of our "adopted family's" home and help provide clothing and home-goods to help them start fresh.

On the Forth of July, my church, along with several others from around the state, came together to hold a free festival for the people of New Orleans. Throughout the day, some five hundred people visited us to eat a hot meal, get new shoes and enjoy many activities.

We took our opportunity in the city to hold a week long camp to prepare the kids for the upcoming school year.

Giving back to the community is an important aspect in my life, and visiting New Orleans was more than just a chance to contribute, it was a chance to learn.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Career in finance and motivational speaking' - Rutgers Transfer Essay Critique [2]

I plan to pursue not just a career in finance, but a career in motivational speaking as well as business to business consulting, in employee motivational strategies.

I believe that through working with individuals, as individuals, I can help to not only create financial plans, but successful plans in order to truly bring out the full potential of such individuals.

Currently, I am studying for an associate's degree in banking and finance, as a first step towards my goal of not only giving financial advice, but also leading people towards a positive future through motivational strategies in the workplace.

:)

Undergraduate / UBC 2012 app, Lifeguarding and Life changing Experience [2]

Last summer, I applied for a j ob ---Don't capitalize 'job'.---as a lifeguard at a local lake, where I was responsible for the safety of hundreds of swimmers who flocked to the lake on hot summer days.

The city was very selective, requiring lots of experience and the passing of a specialized lifeguard test.

I had made it through their interview, and now it was time for the test, which tested my physical endurance and skills in rescue.

"Do I really want this job ?"

I jumped into the pool thinking that no matter what I did, I couldn't pass.

I wanted this j ob more than anything else.

:)

Graduate / 'my mental evolution' - SOP petroleum Engineering [2]

The study showed that doing so would decrease the energy requirement, as was also verified by implementing a simulated prototype on ASPEN Plus.

A thoroughly informative two months, where I worked...

Continuing my optimization studies through implementation of pre-flash strategies and a detailed study and research on the phase equilibrium computations of crude, the direction and motive of my studies would be to increase the output of middle distillates per ton of crude and reduce the loss of light components thereby enhancing the yield.---This is great!

Especially, I have found the work of Dr.XXX in the field of XXX to be in perfect agreement with my line of research and I'm looking forward to working with him/her.

I wish to contribute to the research at your university and that globally, thereby I solely dedicate the upcoming...

:)

Undergraduate / 'pianist's fingers' - Commonapp about personal activity -- School Choir [3]

The pianist's fingers began dancing and music flew out of the black, giant monster. ---I think it would flow better as 'the giant black monster'.

The conductor winked at us, so I started singing while my throat was burning.

I tried to blend my voice with the chorus; soon I could ...

:)

Undergraduate / Why choosing Web Development major: Drexel App Essay [2]

Back I turned to computers, where I finally discovered my real interests: web development and media design.

Starting with my parent's website, I have come a long way from creating simple designs, to building fully functional sites.

As the world has turned almost completely digital, data no longer appears handwritten on pieces of paper, and art has transitioned from paint to pixels.

So too, have my interests from my childhood merged together , and conformed to these new world standards.

With these prerequisites, however, I need to go somewhere with them, hone in on the skills which they require, and learn how to put them into practical use for the future.

:)

Undergraduate / "Never stop exploring" Villanova Supplement 2013 [2]

"I think we're lost." Those are never comforting words to hear.---Great opening!

At camp, the leaders ease you into backpacking with shorter trips and day hikes, and our first big hike was to "the falls".

Realizing we were lost, we struggled to retrace our steps, to little avail.

As the sun dropped lower and lower into the Sierra Nevada horizon , I realized that we might not get home that night.

As the hot Sierra day had turned into a cold S ierra night, we huddled together in the cold.

Once home, my group made a pledge.

We had all been terrified by what had happened to us, but we pledged to keep hiking and backpacking, even though we had seen the worst of it.

:)

Essays / UC where I'm from - shall I talk about being Lebanese? [3]

Oh, if I were you, I'd start the essay with a fitting quotation from (my favorite author) Kahlil Gibran. He was also from Lebanon, and I believe that if you open 'The Prophet' you'll have inspiration and the words you're looking for will come easily.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Columbia Area Career Center' - Nursing Essay [2]

It is a beautiful thing to use your knowledge and capability to perform such a powerful role in a life as well as the workplace.

I know that I have what it takes to accomplish anything, and nursing gives you such a feeling of self-worth that it would make...

I firmly believe that my eagerness to learn, to help people, and personality along...

:)

Undergraduate / SCAD - Statement of Purpose - Illustration Major (does it fit requirements?) [2]

Ability has the potential to be wasted by those without inspiration, and that is something I desire to change.---This is a really good point.

I've always had a feeling that a mundane office job was not for me.

The idea of being trapped within the ever-shrinking walls of a cubicle horrified me and still does to this day.

By doing so, I hope to prepare myself for a job I love doing , to learn to express myself, and to provide inspiration to others in the process.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Senior student's pressure' - medicine, radiotherapy Essay applying to universities [2]

Myself, I have nothing more than my hard works and enthusiasm towards health care, and a wish of your understanding.

Being the publicity officer of the Students' Association, I have become confident in speaking in front of the public and have improved my communication skills .

Joining the Innovative Energy Design Competition made me realize the scientific knowledge that is in this everyday modern world.

I always find my own value through serving others .

I have joined different kinds of voluntary work, including visiting the elderly, organizing games for children to play, taking trips with the disabled...

For example, I know that most elderly cannot walk fast and it is a warm action to walk at their pace.

Academically, if I have problem with a math question, I review my answer.

To alleviate it, I exercise regularly and share my personal feelings with my parents.

Due to my strong interest toward science and a heart of willing to serve, I would like to continue to further my studies in health care.

:)

Graduate / Bilingual and Spanish speech therapy -Speech-Language Pathology grad school statement [2]

Throughout my undergraduate career, I have made it a priority to gain experience with a wide variety of clients and age groups, in order to hone the population that I am best suited to working with.

During this past summer, I challenged myself as a clinician (and ?) a speech-pathology intern in Costa Rica.

The commitment and dedication of both parties to the improvement of speech and language skills was truly inspiring and has further shaped my chosen career path.

Majoring in speech-pathology and studying Spanish as a secondary major has allowed me to simultaneously acquire skills to help those with language difficulties, while overcoming the...

In many ways, this has created a depth of patience and compassion towards my clients.

:)

Undergraduate / 'The longhouse children' - experience shaped me / COSMOS and my brother [5]

I wanted desperately to blend in , to look like I knew what I was doing.

Initially, the vast unfamiliarity of the Iban society overwhelmed me; my self-consciousness dominated, assuring me that pretending to understand their culture would be safer than admitting my ignorance.

Indeed, I came to love the Iban culture, and learned to appreciate the excitement of the unfamiliar. I risked my integrity to explore the unknown, and my pride suffered little, compared to the tremendous knowledge I gained.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- --

Rather than observing politely and nodding where appropriate, checking my adventurous urges, I shrieked ecstatically at stories and climbed trees, always out of breath from laughing.---You are an amazing writer!

He had helped me pull out baby teeth, eagerly offering various primitive or violent ideas, and more than once trying to stick his little hands in my mouth; he had consoled me when I lost my Barbies, remorseful that he had cut their hair or ripped their heads off; and he had taught me to enjoy myself, demonstrating on a regular basis, multiple techniques for not doing work.

It was a pleasure to read your essays, they were very interesting and thought provoking. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Mu Alpha Theta' Short Response Common Application [2]

Last year after elected as President, I took the initiative to make substantial changes to the society.

You are an excellent writer! Your essay shows your intelligence and personality, your passion for math and organizational skills. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)