Writing Feedback / Starting a new business is very advantageous [2]

Your essay is well set up, informative, and you made some very good points. I think you could make it even better though, if you add one or two more sentences at the end, about possibly taking a business class to increase the chances of making a business successful.

Writing Feedback / The basketball on 'Martin Carpena' - Writing about an event I've lived [2]

The game was tied most of the time, all the people were nervous, there was a lot of stress in the stands, because this was an important match.

The players waswere tired in the last minutes, when it was the most important moment,...

With less than four seconds left, Unicaja took too fast, and Mclntyre beats the defender and ran to the opponent field, he shot a triple, and in in the last second.

Still I see the video andit gives me the willies, how the reporter said, 'tell me I'm not dreaming'.

This is great! Also the most exciting essay I've read tonight!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Career women can trigger juvenile deliquency [2]

I found a few small changes you could make, and hopefully a 'career woman' won't be reading this, lol.

However, this trend has had a negative impact foron the development of children who ...

Nowadays, the numbersproblem of juvenile delinquency is ...

... in the school, such as skipping class , smoking, or stealing.

Extra money received by children, often being misused, such as for dissipate , ... I don't think this word is right in this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Should be health budgets spent more to health education? [2]

The improvement upon system and technology in medical field is very essential and most of developed countries had been realize about this. matter.

The US government, for instance, allocates more than one trillion dollars every year for funding research in health technology.

... destroy virus and bacteria which causes severe illness with laser, so as in the future, it would reduce the death rate and enhances life expectancy of patients.

At basis perception, it is more wisely to allocate higher proportion to ...

... incurable and fatal diseases , like HIV, as they believe that altering the mind set of people is more effective and on-target rather than allocating huge amounts ...

.... I firmly agree that governmentssupposed toshould educate their inhabitants (...) about keeping healthy , so that is why moreof the budget should be distributed to programs related to this matter.

I made a few small changes, but good essay!

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Many people believe that having a fixed punishment for all crimes is more efficient [2]

Then, the law of fixed punishment prevents public revenge so ... The meaning of this sentence is unclear to me. Do you mean in case the public thinks the criminal got more or less time in jail than deserved?

Therefore, people will think twice before committing crimes because they know ...

On the other hand, there are also some drawbacks to this commandment.
She stole the cocoa in order to buy ...

It was an injustice to punish her as severe...
The case of U.S federal court issuing false victim Aarthi S. Rao in 2010 embodies this idea perfectly. I think you should elaborate a bit here.

To conclude, it is clear that even though a fixed sentence has positive ramifications, its applications in courtrooms may draws unfairness.

Here are a few small changes you could make, but you made some very good points!

Writing Feedback / Severe problems in regard to children behavior at schools [2]

Children are educated in school for improving both their knowledge and their morals .

However, students' behavior in school has become a severe problems in many countries.

The causes are strongly associated to the way schools divide their portion for (...) system in their child's school .

Students' bad behavior which is extremely problematic for education institution can be caused by several factors.

Meanwhile, children spend more time in schools than in their own home.

... it is no doubt that children will do not understand what is right and wrong.

It is correlated to more complaints from parents when (...) disturbed by the schools rules.
First of all, schools have to balance their way of educating students how to behave while teaching some knowledge .

I found a few mistakes, but most can be fixed with spellcheck, and just reading it aloud to yourself to see how it sounds.

Writing Feedback / The typical steps of items production for consumers [2]

I found a few small changes you can make to fix this up a bit:

The diagram displays procedures of items in production for consumers, which is divided into two different steps, such as the fabrication process and information feedback.

It can be seen that though there are two starting points , but both of them are merge and resultingin same end point.

First of all, the manufacturing process is started by...

... the process to assembly, inspection, testing, packaging and dispatch , before the product...

... in production planning stage as this stage needs exact information about the number ...

The second step is on testing stages which influence the design stage.
... next step as this stages affects design, advertising, and packaging stages.

Great diagram!

Writing Feedback / Schools from different areas report that students tend to have behavioral problems [3]

Here are a few things that could be changed:

As it is commonly understood,that school influences the way of student's thought and behavior.

Some schools in different part report that students tend to have behavioral problems.
This will helpteach them how to respect each other.

You made some very good points, like the amount of time children spend unsupervised, and the way they might imitate video games. Good luck with school.

Research Papers / "High Wages, Low Ambitions" - Peer Review for My Argumentative Research Essay Regarding Minimum Wage [2]

Here are a few mistakes I found:

Many think that if the government would riseraise the minimum wage...

The reasoning behind minimum wage laws being put into play in America was tothat it would allow the people of the United States to...

Before President Obama was voted into office in 2009, he had a goal of making the minimum wage raiseraising the minimum wage even higher, to $9.50 per hour, yet even after taking office, there have been no signs of...

In America, there will always be a lower, middle, and upper class, but there is also a way for every one to get the education that they want.I think if you say this, you should elaborate, because who making minimum wage could afford the time/ cost of higher education?

A common misconception people have is that if the government raises the minimum wage, then the problems regarding...

Research Papers / Making a Murder Research paper Rough Draft [2]

I think that you can fix this best by just reading it aloud to yourself, and seeing the little mistakes. Here are a few examples:

...DNA evidence was found to prove that Avery was wrongfully accused, and he was released soon after that.

The officers that had arrested him, were then underinvolved in a 35 million dollar lawsuit after he was in falsely convicted.

Though, Hallbach's burned remains were found on the Avery's property after a searched had occurred .

In Another time, he was with a lawyer that was questioning,....(?)... Halbach's burned remains were found... This sentence needs to be revised.

Evidence wise, There was a lot of evidence used against Avery...

There was also evidence that included finding blood in Halbach's vehicle that belonged to Avery.

Book Reports / Atticus is one of the best characters that exemplify the real courage in To Kill a Mockingbird novel [2]

Here are a few ways I think it would be better:

Most of the time,s people with this quality risk or sacrifice themselves , .... I think this would sound better if you wrote something like ...sacrifice 'something of' themselves... because usually when someone shows courage, they don't actually die, which what you wrote sort of implies.

On the other hand, Atticus does not listen to the town when he explains to Scout the reasons...

Atticus' actions throughout the novel shows that he wants...

In addition, Atticus risking his reputation is another way in which he shows courage throughout the novel.
Atticus does not want Scout to use her violence to solve problems. He wants Scouther to use her head to think and solve the conflict rather than using her fists. Atticus is willing to risk all he has, even his reputation to create a new world, in wherewhich people does not judge each other by their appearance.

Undergraduate / Public speaking fears - UW madison essay [2]

This is a great subject, and I think it fits in well with the prompt. Here are a few fixes:

... but for me it would be first time I had to speak in front of a group in my entire life.

I had few friends, and have always found it difficult to talk to a stranger.

My I had heavily scripted what I was going to say, in order to fight my anxiety.

When the teacher finally got to me, everything that wentcould have gone wrong, somehow did.

After what seemed like an eon, I quietly mentioned something about how I liked tennis because it only required a few people to play.

From that day on , I became more and more anxious about public speaking, ...

To me , I knew I had finally overcome my fear of public speaking.

As a student, speeches and presentations are relatively few and far between.

I had made friends, not only on my own team, but teams across the country.

:)

Graduate / "I grow up in small village" admission into Graduate School - Master of Eng. Petroleum Eng. (SOP) [4]

I grew up in small village xxxx, and it was pretty hard to get clean drinking water.

I had to get up very early at 4 am every day to go get clean water from the stream.

I had to leave the house very early because the distance from our home to the stream was about 6 miles and to get clean water. I started doing a research on how to drill water a well in our back yard.

I came to realized that it was very expensive and my parents cannot afford it.

I contacted some of my friends and I coordinated the project.

I was very excited because finally I had solved the water problem.

In 1997 after high school, I jointed a small NGO company called Mason International.

The College of Engineering Dean's Honor Roll awarded me Dean's Honor Roll award in Fall 1999, 2000, 2002 and Spring 2002.

I designed and tested cement to cement both horizontal and vertical wells.

I did lots of problem jobs and investigation report s, and researched on production and injection wells to identify water control problem that occurs in these wells.

here are a few trouble spots corrected, but your essay is pretty great. Good luck with school and have fun!

Undergraduate / 'At a younger age, the idea of me doing well in school was unheard of' - SOP for UT in Austin [2]

My academic history was not something I amwas proud of, yet...

Throughout my life I've witnessed my parents working hard to provide for my three siblings and I.

Being very active in my church, Life Ministries, has also persuaded me to continue my studies.

Your essay is great, and I only found these few minor things to edit. Good luck with school!

Undergraduate / 'CNN and Mexican military' - UT Austin essays B [2]

I pray that my mom isn't left alone. I pray that I can see my dad again.

America's ravenous appetite to get high fuels the war that every day ---usually, but not always, every day is 2 words. ---has sisters crying over their brother who was just assassinated in front of her eyes.

Every day a mother sobs and screams to the Virgen de Guadalupe...

The candidate for PAN vowed to keep the same strategy for fighting the cartels that President Calderon had initiated six long years ago.

In the months and weeks leading up to the election, my father and I worked to convince as many people we could to not vote for PAN, not out of past party loyalties, but because ...

My family's fear hasn't gone away.

Great essay, very informative. I have a flag waving uncle who lives in Texas, always whining about the border, Mexicans taking jobs, etc. I told him that anyone saying they're proud to be American, has black men and Mexicans to thank for it, as they built this country. He went a year without speaking to me, but has since matured, lol. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Your Future Roommate is Minnesotan"-Sanford Roommate Essay [7]

I am very excited to share my space with you, as we begin a new chapter in our lives.

I like your essay! The essay shows that you're outgoing, have a sense of humor, and seem easy to get along with. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Jumping into the Ocean Without a Lifeline UC PROMPT #2 [3]

It's not every day that a child attempts to learn the same skill that nearly claimed his father's life just five years before.

And As it was my job to teach him to conquer that ocean, my apprehension was just as paralyzing.

To Danny, I was a lifeline and a confidant, his trust weighing heavily on my inexperienced shoulders. ---Great sentence!

I think your essay answers the prompt very nicely. Good luck with school!

:)

Essays / Cornell College of Engineering Essay Topic - Virtual Stock Market (what to write about?) [4]

I was going to write about a piece of software I wrote in high school as FBLA president that allows its members to participate in a "virtual stock market", buying and selling stocks in real time and managing their portfolio.---awesome idea! If software would be considered engineering, it's great.

or could I write about the idea I had and relate it to my other interests in combining disciplines with computer science and how cornell could help me achieve that? ---That's an excellent idea, as long as you work Cornell in there and let them know they can help you!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / UT Austin Essay A- My Autistic Brother's Lesson [2]

I remember the night vividly.

To this day, a warm sweaty feeling still suffocates me when I even think about it.---This sentence is great, and a much better opening for your essay.

My family and I were sitting in a booth (the kind your thighs stick to) ---(nice )--waiting for our dinner to arrive at the restaurant , when my brother Matt started wailing- the kind of wailing that sounds like someone is being stabbed, but my brother had simply spilled cold water on himself.

If I could relate, I wondered how many other people could relate as well.---I can relate!

It's been five years since I realized I could educate people and make a difference, and I'd like to think that I have.

:).

Undergraduate / 'least developed areas of Pakistan' sop of 250 words. its for semester exchange prog [2]

My outlook on life, ---no comma here--- can be determined by how I feel about people and diversity, which all came from where I grew up.---Always leave a space between sentences.

I belongs to Gigilt , which is enriched with natural resources and perhaps, the most spectacular region of Pakistan in terms of its geography and scenic beauty.

But still GB is one of the least developed areas of Pakistan because of sectarianism,in adequate developmental policies & lack of infrastructure.---Always leave a space after each comma, also.

I started to involve ---became involved in community services very early in my life because I always wanted to be a part of change in socio economic and socio political status of the region.

That's why I choose social science as my field of studies in the university, as It allows me to understand ...

Being a student of social sciences, I am very interested to learnin learning about the US society, its culture...

Be sure to start each new sentence with a capital letter!
Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / My Man O' War Experience-COMMON APP ESSAY [2]

The two weeks of routine 5am wake up, rigorous day tasks and inspirational talks were over and I was moving along on the road with my fellow students en route to Orozo which was ...

Now I tried t desperately to conserve the water, rather than to think of the distance the journey held.

True, it seemed like and the weight of the camping materials which I carried made it a struggle to keep up pace with them.

I listened carefully and struggled to accept the ways of life of those living in such areas, especially those villagers I saw earlier on.

Great ending!

:)

Undergraduate / 'a future CIA Agent' - St.John's University Essay [3]

I could not find anything to edit, and you seem to have answered all the prompts. I can tell by your essay that you're intelligent, well spoken, and a great writer. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'The Central Dogma of Molecular Biology' - SOP for a PhD in Cancer Biology [2]

It was only then that I truly appreciated that everything we are is derived from a macromolecule composed of five common elements.

The level of satisfaction I gained from doing so was unprecedented, because I felt as though I had finally found something that I could dedicate my working life to; molecular research.

My final year of university increased my communication, planning and problem solving skills to unknown heights, and I wish for this to continue.

:)

Undergraduate / 'get out of this car right now!' - UF narrative application [2]

My Mom wanted me to go into the gym where volleyball tryouts were being held so I could be on the team, and she was highly determined I would do so.

I on the other hand, was being stubborn because I have played volleyball for many years and had decided to give up after I recently moved to South Carolina.

Usually I have no problem being "the new girl" because I have been the new girl in eight different states and eleven different schools, but today was different.

My Mom began knocking on the glass window, "You're going to be late and make a bad impression and you will regret that". ---Start a new sentence here.

This was such an important event in my life, because it was the one day I went against everything I knew, and I ended making the varsity team and I had nothing to worry about.

Due to this day I will never again forget what I have always known about myself, I know I am an easy person to get along with, I give my 100% all the time, and I always adapt well to new places.

Lol, I like your ending! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Pulsating Diversity to Enhance Experience- Rutgers University Admissions Essay [2]

I was raised in a unique family, having a culture different from that of my peers.

...have given me the knowledge to spread diversity in the world, while captivating --I'm pretty sure this isn't the word you should have here. ---different cultures I experienced.

When I moved to the America, I realized the changes that would occur, as the culture would be slightly different.

My goal of becoming a health professional will include various obstacles, however, and the life experience through the community of Rutgers University will help me get through...

:)

Undergraduate / We often place unrealistic expectations on celebrities or politicians. [2]

In our minds, if they have made it that far, have achieved "success", then they must have everything figured out.

When we don't see their faults and weaknesses, we run the risk of holding them to such an unattainable standard that we setting ourselves up for disappointment.

...relationship with, in whom we place any kind of trust, can and will fail us.

Having people we can looking up to and respect is a good thing.

Realizing that they have just as many if not more issues than we do is letting the truth sink in that we can all learn from each other.

You're an excellent writer! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'everyone has their strengths' - admissions topic is diversity [2]

Another way that I can contribute to diversity at UK is that I am adopted.

I grew up going to mass every Sunday with my family, and I have received four of the seven sacraments, and I love God.

Although I am proud to be Catholic, I accept other people's beliefs and do not criticize their religions .

I believe my examples of my diversity will be a great addition to the classroom and the kids I will be going to classes with.

:)

Undergraduate / Common application essay computer hacking and ary [2]

After a couple of days of programming, I found that my computer had the ability to access not only the Facebook pages of other students, but any supposedly secure page of any user was viewing on the network.

Showing off like sports----(?)

An hour after the meeting started, I was consulting on computer security for the school. ---This is awesome!!

People thought I was some black hat menace, lurking in the shadows, ---this is so great!--- but I was really making the network a safer place.

I meet with him almost every day , and I am not as nervous ...

--------------------------------------------

Artistic expression was once something that I never fully understood, but now it is a hobby I enjoy developing.

I have no intentions of being a world-renowned artist, but painting is a practice that has greatly affected my personal growth and has helped me become a well-rounded and reflective individual.

:)

Undergraduate / 'The District Attorney's office internship' - TFA Letter of Intent (<500 words) [2]

Their high schools had taught them so little, I find that my sixth grade students often know more than my college tutees.

This is by no means an isolated incident; ---WHAT is not an isolated incident?--

Teach for America sounds awesome, what a great idea! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Drinking and Driving - 'Andrew Chet Hamm died in an automobile accident' [2]

Chet's death, ---I think this sounds better.--- being the most recent loss, really had a tremendous effect on me.

When I received the news about Chet's tragic death, my mind raced thinking about all of the opportunities and experiences he will never be able to have because of another person's decision to drive in a hampered state.

The woman who crossed the double white lines and crashed into Chet had three previous DWI tickets, yet she was still driving.---I think the word 'tickets' should be 'convictions', because I don't think people who get stopped for drunk driving get off with just a ticket.

:)

Undergraduate / "Can film inspire social change?" - Cornell A&S Supplement Essay [2]

The art of cinema and its influence on me as a child were similar to the obsessions every kid has over Spider-Man or Toy Story.

...fascination and asked, "Can film inspire social change?"

...elements of powerful emotion and story I had seen in international movies, like My Name is Khan and Schindler's List.

... my bullying problems and the discrimination I felt throughout my life, inspired me to become change I wanted to see in the world.

It is this passion for social change that motivates me to pursue a double major of Film and Government at the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University.

:)

Undergraduate / Being Black in Suburbia -- Common App Essay [2]

Looking back now, I was right in some ways, and completely wrong in others.

This was definitely a new school, and the environment was not like any other that I had seen, but the school was not diverse in the ways that I had wanted it to be.

Although the students enrolled were exposed to a more international diversity, with kids of diplomats interacting with kids of CIA agents, they were very ignorant and naive about African American culture and life.

Living in suburbia as an African-American girl with an affinity for literature and education is still difficult, as there are many naysayers who still do not believe that I have the wits and passion to succeed in education as my other peers.

However, it is exactly this that fuels me every day to accomplish more than the last day before .

Great essay, you're an excellent writer. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / Oedipus the King argument thesis statement [2]

Oedipus the King is the story of a prominent king torn by "fate" and the destiny of the gods.

There are common lessons to be learned byfrom Oedipus and his catastrophic story.

Learning not to react emotionally and mentally different, regardless of the circumstances, and the critical mistakes of being judgmental and self-righteous, and ...

:)

Letters / 'vehicle's electronic system and the ECU' - Engineer letter for scholarship [2]

I am writing to express my greatest interest in applying for the Master program of Automotive Engineering at City University of London.

The idea of innovating new things to make people's lives easier or finding the optimum solution for a problem has always fascinated me.

I graduated with a bachelor degree in Power Mechanical Engineering in 2011 from Faculty of Engineering, Alexandria University.

I managed to innovate a new idea, which is "the conic steering wheels".

Although I did a great job winning four out of seven tenders I prepared, I quit my job after 3 months .

Selling engineering products - with all due respect - does not make an engineer out of me.

I learned how to inspect a vehicle closer and I got much more familiar with using tools to get anything out of the vehicle.

I enhanced my knowledge of the vehicle's electronic system and the ECU, which was not an area...

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Research Papers / Ethics College Class, Paper on Moral Courage (what to write about?) [2]

This sounds like a very interesting essay to write! What about dogs in the military, the morals behind bomb sniffing dogs, and whether you think using them for such a dangerous job is wrong? Or police dogs and their handlers? Have fun with this, then send it here for an edit.

:)

Essays / How to write essay about teenagers / minors (who complain they are being treated like children) [5]

You have to write the essay first, then send it here for an edit and/ or advice. This should be fairly easy to write, just write it out like a story, then state your opinion. If you want to, you can just begin it, then we can tell you if you're on the right track, and perhaps what to do next.

:)

Undergraduate / 'the children of New Orleans' - My meaningful experience/event - UF Essay [2]

While on my two-week mission trip, my youth group was able to contribute to the rebuilding of our "adopted family's" home and help provide clothing and home-goods to help them start fresh.

On the Forth of July, my church, along with several others from around the state, came together to hold a free festival for the people of New Orleans. Throughout the day, some five hundred people visited us to eat a hot meal, get new shoes and enjoy many activities.

We took our opportunity in the city to hold a week long camp to prepare the kids for the upcoming school year.

Giving back to the community is an important aspect in my life, and visiting New Orleans was more than just a chance to contribute, it was a chance to learn.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Career in finance and motivational speaking' - Rutgers Transfer Essay Critique [2]

I plan to pursue not just a career in finance, but a career in motivational speaking as well as business to business consulting, in employee motivational strategies.

I believe that through working with individuals, as individuals, I can help to not only create financial plans, but successful plans in order to truly bring out the full potential of such individuals.

Currently, I am studying for an associate's degree in banking and finance, as a first step towards my goal of not only giving financial advice, but also leading people towards a positive future through motivational strategies in the workplace.

:)

Undergraduate / UBC 2012 app, Lifeguarding and Life changing Experience [3]

Last summer, I applied for a j ob ---Don't capitalize 'job'.---as a lifeguard at a local lake, where I was responsible for the safety of hundreds of swimmers who flocked to the lake on hot summer days.

The city was very selective, requiring lots of experience and the passing of a specialized lifeguard test.

I had made it through their interview, and now it was time for the test, which tested my physical endurance and skills in rescue.

"Do I really want this job ?"

I jumped into the pool thinking that no matter what I did, I couldn't pass.

I wanted this j ob more than anything else.

:)

Graduate / 'my mental evolution' - SOP petroleum Engineering [2]

The study showed that doing so would decrease the energy requirement, as was also verified by implementing a simulated prototype on ASPEN Plus.

A thoroughly informative two months, where I worked...

Continuing my optimization studies through implementation of pre-flash strategies and a detailed study and research on the phase equilibrium computations of crude, the direction and motive of my studies would be to increase the output of middle distillates per ton of crude and reduce the loss of light components thereby enhancing the yield.---This is great!

Especially, I have found the work of Dr.XXX in the field of XXX to be in perfect agreement with my line of research and I'm looking forward to working with him/her.

I wish to contribute to the research at your university and that globally, thereby I solely dedicate the upcoming...

:)