Posts by yang - page 6

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

I now see that you are explaining mainly the "evolution" part of your intellectual interests in the third paragraph and how economics encompasses all those different interests.

wow, you totally hit the point. my counselor told me that this way works as well, so...

Now, however, I think you meant that just as in these other social studies classes in which you felt overwhelmed by other kids' "common American knowlege," you expected pretty much the same to happen in the econ class.

exactly. From the past social studies classes i took, i had a prejudice of economics

I find this sentence confusing because I wasn't sure whether you were expecting an actual history lecture in an econ class

so, should it be: "instead of a typical lecture,"

I think it'd be better to begin with just "Through my assimilation..."

yea, my first draft started with that.
do you think there would be a gap tho? like suddenly jumping from economics to my past/interests? if so, what would be a better transition?

how's this?

...I gained a diverse set of intellectual interests ranging from mathematics to languages. I enjoyed solving algebraic equations as much as reading a novel in French; I even relished watching historical movies and analyzing the significance of the fall of the French domination over Quebec despite my struggle in social studies.

Having read your essay over for the second time, I realized I was maybe being overly-critical.

by second time, do you mean that it was confusing to read? what were your initial criticism? while my counselor said it was ok to flip the question, is it more tiresome to read?

thanks a lot man, hope to interact you further on this essay!

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

They tell you to briefly elaborate on a work experience...so that's what I decided to do.

yes, but they don't want to know what you did, unless that changes something in your mind.

for example: i go to the library. do they care about how i arrange the books? no, what they care about is how the experience made me more patient, or careful, or helpful or a bookworm, or SOMETHING internal.

I learned work should never simply be work for a paycheck.

as i prob mentioned, this is...trivial. making this your main theme seems like you're trying to show the admin how you've finally caught up with the idea of working for what you like, and not money.

what i'm trying to say that it's not personal enough. you've got a great job, but that's all you learned? I can work at a lemonade stand and come to the exact same conclusion as this. therefore, it's really not unique enough

Again, not really sure what you expect me to talk about

Rather, work should be something you enjoy and look forward to every single day.

i guess i had a prob here. It's great that you see work as something you can enjoy, but that's IT? that's all you've got? your focus for this essay shouldn't be that job is fun, cuz this conclusion tells nothing about you, except that you enjoy work? instead of focusing on how fun you thought the experience is, it might be worthwhile to talk about it's impact on you, except the monetary side

Not a whole lot I can do in 150 words.

i understand your plight, and I'm not trying to discourage you or something, so no need to get defensive.

However, I've had to do an essay on "something you do for pleasure" in 100 words...so i know how you feel. You really don't need 150 words to talk about how you've been changed by a job, if you do it the right way. Don't waste sentences on talking generically about how fun it is, but tell the admin things they might not know. You've got an unique experience here, so tell it in an unique fashion and about the unique stuff you've done.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]

6000 characters

6000? you sure? cuz that's like 1200 words. 1800's about 300 words.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Writing Feedback / Dead Poets Society movie vs. my classroom [4]

contrast to

contrast with? i don't think contrast to is the right usage.
--yea, i checked and it's in contrast to (adverbial phrase). contrast (verb) to

to that of

correct me if i'm wrong, but shouldn't that be those since it refer to qualities?

successfully highlights

highlight, your subject's still qualities

real life example of Heart of Darkness

haha dunno what you're talking about YET, but it's still funny

The activity portrayed the novel's idea that imperialistic ideas are blind and apathetic to the cultures and traditions of the victimized country, and the obstacles representing emotional contemplations and physical difficulties that drag Marlow behind demonstrates that to attempt to incorporate a new culture or practice is impossible to accomplish without the acknowledge of and the respect for the differences in culture

this is hell of a long sentence. Maybe cut it with ; or .

for a school paper, this is not half bad. but one thing i'd like clarification upon. In our class we also talked about this movie, briefly. Isn't this where the character suicides because of the teacher's teaching that you have to live the world like there's no tomorrow? (if i'm off track, don't mind the rest)

our teacher argued that Keating is the irresponsible teacher for not giving the consequences to fully living. It's not because that you might die tomorrow that you can do whatever you want today. Life has rules and consequences, and if you lead a careless life since everybody's gonna die anyway, then you might just end up killing yourself when the consequences catch you.

If I'm not completely wrong, then you should prob mention that only the first part of prof's philosophy's actually right, since without worrying about the consequences of your actions is just a stupid and irresponsible teaching.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / "The war on terror is not fought on distant shores" - international concern [4]

be careful about this topic. you really don't wanna put too many radical statements cuz it's politics.

and I had nothing else to do,

and I had free time? nothing to do makes you sound like a really boring person

they are created and if they are created by society, we, as part of society have a role in their creation.

you mentioned the same thing in your second paragraph, but what proof do you half? It's really dangerous to just spur out these big theories if you don't have any backup. remember, this in itself is very controversial, and the admin might just discard it for its dangerous pessimism.

again, how did this impact you? I can talk about poverty all i want (that's the topic i chose for this), and how poverty isn't just money, but also deals mental stuff, but SO? it's great that the reader gets that you have insights on terrorism, but the reader learns nothing about you except that you excuse the twisted minds of terrorists with the fact that the society is evil

I began to think of his transformation from innocence to brutality

Do you know his life? If not, then how can you say that? I can simply be a crazy maniac and kill people for NO reason, yet wasn't I born an "innocent baby"?

the prose is good, but the idea is very very controversial and should be avoided or else you are going to offend the admin. I have particular trouble with:

The problem is not the terrorists; it is "us", the society that breeds these villains.

even it might sound logical to you, without explanation or solution, you are purely criticizing the society and say that it's the people's fault that they get bombed by some crazy maniac.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

I'm not totally sure why the essay made you so angry,

nono, i'm not angry at all, it's just that if i say state the same thing, without the same emotion, then you won't get the same meaning out of it.

i learned this trick when my english teacher pretty much did the same thing to me and left me in shock, but that transformed my way of thinking, so...sorry to be brutal tho, i just thought that it might help you the most.

well, kevin pretty much covered my main point, but he didn't say that you really need to ADD something. Your life can't be perfect, and both you (and the admin) know it. so you need to add some of the struggles you had and show how the good things in your life helped you through.

your essay right now is kinda like the high gpa/scores a person have. unless you tie something significant in that shows their value, then they'll just be numbers, in this case words

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / "Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life" - admission essay [9]

lack of colorful words in some places

well, i'm not critiquing the lack of colorful words, cuz i myself don't write that many colorful words. What I'm saying is that generic sentences without outstanding vocab is even worse than really well written generic sentences

kevin, you mind editing my essay? pllz help me out.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

history, geography,

that's just part of the social studies, i had to mention them for the sake of my first sentence.

politics

reference to US gov.

still not clear?

It definitely does help, thanks Logical_Fella_C!

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / "Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life" - admission essay [9]

Kevin, dunno if you'll read this, but is it irony? cuz i read these two sentences as generic statement that are simply word filing transitions, compared to some other ones: "I stammered" nice use of word! and the complete thing, powerful

and idk if you notice, but this essay has wayyyyy too many tony taught, he taught. it might be parallel structure, but... 1 or 2 is PLENTY. especially when "he taught" isn't particularly fancy.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / "transforming their bodies into pendulums" - Stanford short answer [4]

To have enough momentum for the first flip, I needed to collect force from my partner's hand, shoulder, and the floor simultaneously. I worked out how fast to swing my legs and when to curl up to have enough torque.

No idea what you are talking about, and i'm sure that the admin don't, and will not spend time picturing this in his/her head

why don't you go briefly over the details, and instead talk more about your psychology? why did you find it intellectually engaging, you covered HOW with physics and stuff, but not WHY (except when saying that you are the co-pres of dancing club, which suggests that it's a responsibility that you create new dance moves?)

And yet, it was my curious, exploratory nature that fueled my adventurous dancing spirit.

ok, in your conclusion, you cover the why part, but it's a bit too late don't you think?

you kinda get too much into explaining your passion and not why, which is actually the prompt. your conclusion pretty much has 2 parts: physics+dance. but where's the physics in the intro? remember, to captivate your reader, you NEED to say everything in intro, and conclude while referring back to your intro. WE SHOULD LEARN NOTHING NEW IN YOUR INTRO that you haven't covered. MANY MANY students forget this, including me.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / My heart is for FASION; FIT-Fashion Merchandising/ Perfect candidate [5]

You just say you love fashion and you are dedicated to fashion.But you don't say why are you interested in it.

good point, you only mention that BRIEFLY in the intro

which college you are transferring from

actually, since she talks about the awards (which is great btw, just enough, not too much), she needs the name of the college. Plus that makes it more personal than to say: the college i'm transferring from

The first two sentences are quite irrelevant to the rest

true, you never really come back to the moving part. was it immigration? or just a move? one way or the other, irrelevant.

I think you essay doesn't really answer the questions asked in the topic.

now, she did address to 2/3 of the prompt with her outline

Additionally, will you also find it intimidating to attend college

good point. talk about how you overcame the challenge, or the admin's gonna wonder: should i get a student that has fear in change?

You should move the last two paragraphs above the currently second paragraph.

actually, you should considering taking out your second paragraph and instead create a conclusion that answers: why choosing FIT? talk about the specific programs. do some research.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

ok, go to homepage-->undergrad essay(or whatever other forums)then you're gonna see on right top corner NEW THREAD.

click this, post title, your essay, and you're done!

btw, put the prompt, makes it easier.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / U of Michigan - book essay [4]

english...wow, no wonder you write so well!

from your writing, i'm 80% sure that you'll get in (unless you bombed classes)...so good luck and don't worry!

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words)

"No, not another social studies class!" was the first thought that came into my mind as I found out last year that I had to take not only US Government but also Economics. It's not that I dislike history or geography, but as an immigrant, I always found myself at a disadvantage in those classes since many things I learned for the first time were already part of the common American knowledge. Thus, having spent a semester being overwhelmed by my peers who all seemed expert in politics, I waited for the economics teacher to enter the classroom without much eagerness.

Instead of the typical lecture that I expected, the first economics class turned into a discussion under the guidance of Mr. Smith, our teacher. Although I lacked knowledge of American history and didn't contribute much to the group conversation, I became intrigued by this unusual way of teaching a social studies course. It was with much curiosity that I attended the second class...and saw something that completely blew my mind: Mr. Smith was writing math equations on the board. What happened to the economics class I had imagined in which the word "integral" would be a profanity? Hopelessly confused, I was struck by Mr. Smith's enlightenment: "...a big part of economics is the study of demand and supply, which can be visualized through graphs and analyzed using past data. Eventually, the economist can make accurate predictions through history and propose plans that will benefit the society in accordance..." That moment was the beginning of an infatuation.

Actually, Mr. Smith's speech was simply the spark that set the fuse; my love for economics laid its foundation in my cultural background. Through my immigration to three countries, each with a different educational system, I gained a wide set of intellectual interests ranging from mathematics to languages. I enjoyed solving algebraic equations and analyzing graphs as much as reading a novel in French or watching documentaries on ancient Chinese dynasties. Unfortunately, this diverse array of academic interests also harbored unsolved discords...until I discovered economics. Not only a fascinating topic, this intricate course also merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures since macroeconomics deals with foreign affairs. I realized that with my unique past experiences, my potential in economics is limitless. I could even aim for the international!

My discovery of the economics programs in Cornell was yet another "love at first sight". Its Independent Study program will allow me to conduct research as an undergraduate student and provide me with experience before I apply for the Honors Program research opportunity my senior year. Also, I really look forward to interacting with other passionate students through the Cornell Economics Society and to read its publication of "The Visible Hand" journal, which incorporates insightful updates on the current economy and job status. Finally, with math being one of my favorite subjects and an inherent part of economics, I plan to double major in mathematics.

-------------
extra info:
* i talked about this a lot in my main app essay which entitles diversity :)
same routine, be as gentle as you can :D jkjk, an arrogant challenge: kill the essay if you can!

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / My heart is for FASION; FIT-Fashion Merchandising/ Perfect candidate [5]

Although as a high school senior I can really no give much thought about your topic, but from a purely literary point of view, this essay is good, but lacks the personal information that the college seeks.

If the transfer process is the same as the new freshman app, then you need to talk more about your passion for fashion, and tell WHY fashion is special to you.

I had always had a special place in my heart for fashion. This class introduced me to the many fields within the fashion industry.

why was the class special?

At first I was very interested in the design, but when I realized I did not have the artistic skills needed I decided to take on the business aspect of fashion.

so fashion is just your "second choice" or backup after failing in design?

This experience allowed me to understand how important it is to know your customer.

how?

I loved the rush of having to change the models and send them back out on the runway.

why?

This experience sparked my interest in styling and trend forecasting.

be more precise?

the outline seems good, but you need to explain EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT ABOUT YOUR PSYCHOLOGY. you're happy, why? you're excited, why? you fear, why? you stop fearing, why? if the reader doubts, then he/she will start imagining things that might not be who you are. see where i'm going at?

hope that i helped despite my limited knowledge of the transfer process

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

sorry dude, that's not how this website works. either you comment on other people's work, or you don't.

Please don't post your work in others' thread. Start your own! you will get help.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / U of Michigan - book essay [4]

no good. I was

transition? After a few pages maybe?

wham!

putting those interjections make your essay sound baby-like. they don't really convey effect much anyway...o i take that back, you talk a lot about baby steps. nice thinking

highly effective

tone down a bit? when you praise yourself too highly, the reader has tendency to disregard your accomplishments

overall, not bad. It reflects on your personality, your struggles, and your logical approach to problems. i think this is ready for submission!

what major are you applying for? I applied there as Early notification economics major.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

obviously she looked for the word tomboy AFTER her personality developed

yup, agreed. but either way, if she actually chose a word that reflects perfectly her personality (very unlikely anyway, since each human being is so different), then chronologically it doesn't matter does it?

I mean, would you say: smart, logical, nerdy, a geek? or would you say Geek, smart, logical, and nerdy? I guess it depends on your own "voice" and preference.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

the pay almost nonexistent

still is awkward

but I wouldn't trade my camp experiences for anything else

sounds magnanimous: Oh, even though I'm not paid, the experience was SOOOOOOOO great that I wouldn't do ANYTHING else for money.

still not personal enough. It's not about what happened to you, but how you THINK. everything you talked about are FACTS. the admin can care less about facts, unless they determine how you think.

it changed the way I viewed work.

so, HOW DO YOU VIEW WORK?

Rather, work should be something you enjoy and look forward to every single day.

great, you understand work. so why should the admin accept you? i mean, work comes later and you never tied it to college or your personality.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

where you seek out the word tomboy to describe an extant personality

yea, but then the word will sound like it's been added... for some reason

the whole point of putting a word is to catch the reader's eye, so if you put it later, it kinda loses the whole purpose. i mean the prompt isn't find a word that describes you.

yang

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [11]

Essay 1 sounds like a pseudo-slugfest with someone who has been jamming your head in the toilet forever

i pictured a little white boy with big glasses like in the Peter Pan movie, you know the youngest? except 10 times as nerdy and... the type who's really easily intimidated. ah, me and my fantasies.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [11]

Plus no greencard, so international.

how unlucky...

What kinds of awards have you guys gotten?

haha, as long as it's not IMO or international junior nobel prize, harvard'll just skim at it with squeaky eyes and disapproval hahaha

i mean with harvard, the only thing you can do is cross your fingers and pray.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests:

eye catching, yes, but no social OR interest? what kind of maniac are you or trying to tell the admin? i mean, what you ARE is reflected in what you WRITE. So tone down a bit in this. you really don't want a NEGATIVE eye catch. after all, the admin remembers you by your first sentence.

this said, I agree with this strategy, just not this EXACT first sentence.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

on a literary level, i believe that voice is style and tone, but more style.

does that person write crazy thoreau-like sentences with a bunch of sat words? or more down to earth and direct? or very elevated with a bunch of metaphor?

personally, I can't write like natives, so I have to use ideas to compensate my lack of mastery of writing. My voice would more down the line of normal, direct, and fast pace.

but i might just completely misunderstand voice. I mean, it's not a well defined literary term.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

o... haha , i see what's going on, it's restricted to contributors.

carlyang007@hotmail.com, i trust you with this, don't spam me plz

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

("Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests: " etc)

beware, don't make you sound like an antisocial maniac.

your reflection on being yourself and the problem with the term 'tomboy.'

well, you don't want to focus on the word, but who you are, which isn't exactly the word from your description.

my suggestion, again, is to use an event.

your reflection on being yourself

is good, but how do you change that without something happening to you? How do you go from shy to not shy? something MUST happen.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

isn't what PM means?

well, you should see a mail symbol next to my name, one of the privileges of signing up for a contributor lol :D

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Temple essay - who will I be in 10 years?; education administrator [3]

Ten years ago if you asked me where I was headed, I would fumble to come up with what I thought would sound impressive. I honestly didn't know where I was heading or who I was as an individual. I was constantly trying to find my niche in society. Not only was I uncertain of what I wanted to major in, I simply felt like I had no exceptional talents in one specific area. Could I be a future doctor? No too clumsy How about a a lawyer? Not objective enough.

this passage doesn't hit the prompt, which was asking AFTER the graduation. Start with your next sentence, in which you actually begin to talk about your ambition and future!

the rest is great, just shorten your misleading first sentences (i understand that you're trying to start and capture the reader, but don't make it 10 lines, one sentence should be enough) and talk more about your actual psychology, ambition. HOW did drop rates and all these change? do you have any ideas?

the point of this prompt is to figure out whether you are ambitious (which you covered) and if you have ANY type of plan, or is it all fluff (that part you haven't).

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

why not? technical or personal?

and sure message me.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

nonexistent. However I wouldn't trade my camp experiences for anything else.

, but I wouldn't

Money can't buy happiness.

the admin knows that already

your essay answers the prompt, but it doesn't really link to your numerous emphasis of how little the thing pays. if money is so important to you, then tell an instance where you realized that this experience is EVEN MORE! talk about how this experience CHANGED YOUR PSYCHOLOGY. or else, the money observations just make you sound like a greedy person.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

Can I talk about how Hamlet is unable to take revenge until it's too late... ?

haha, that wasn't my point. it wasn't too late. revengers are bound to die, and hamlet actually succeeded in what he did. my point is that he questioned himself and finally, his bleak view of the world pushed him to act (as i said, i misunderstood bleak to be weak, when it's actually hopeless)

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Rice Supplemental: Choice of of academic study: Am I clear and concise? [4]

The small class size, reputation for academic excellence and a commitment to leadership is the catalyst for my applying to Rice for a career in environmental engineering.

last sentence really killed all the good things you talked about. it's wayyyy to generic. You could end with your previous sentence and maybe add some specific programs before.

What is the theme of the essay, the moral of the story?

it's to convince the reader that you really want to go there, which mia7 does with the forum thing, but not enough facts.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

sorry, i misunderstood the meaning of bleak.

if you want to talk about his pessimistic view on the world, then talk about the trouble he was in: his father dead, his mother remarried 2 months later, now he's treated as crazy, killed an innocent, sent to england to die, survived b/c of pirates, killed his childhood friends (ros and guil) with the letter, and realized his love died, and confronted by Laertes, everybody, including his other, were against him. Briefly talk about these facts, then go on talking about his desperation.

which led to:

his statement that if one will eventually die, then why not accomplish something noble (scene 4 i believe, the sparrow argument i think)
so this ties in "to be or not to be"

end with his view on the relationship between his mother and his uncle --> the scene right before he kills Polonius, when he questions his mother why she would choose a man such as his uncle over the godlike figure of his father --> no hope between his mother and his uncle and of others. O DON'T FORGET THE GRAVEYARD SCENE. He saw yorrick's skull and lamented on the shortness of life, which also helped his decision to act.

you could play with the order a bit, hopefully that's enough info to play with.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of a tomboy is: "An energetic, sometimes boisterous girl whose behavior and pursuits, esp. in games and sports, are considered more typical of boys than of girls."

how about: tomboy, "an energetic..."? makes your start more powerful.

This amazes me, as this definition validates who I was growing up.

awkward phrasing. this word reflects my personality?

dressed, I wasn'

; or :

If one denies his or her individuality, then they deny themselves.

it was personal, until this generic statement killed your momentum

Embarrassing to say there were instances in my life where I was ashamed of my differences, however as I became older I started seeing these differences as something special.

Although I am embarrassed to say that there were instances in my life when I was ashamed of the peculiarity of my character, I started to see these differences as something special as I grew older.

different meaning I was too skinny, ugly, shy, I was a tomboy and I was strange. In elementary school I

too many subjects. combines your segments.

ok... don't go too far. no need to say skinny, ugly, shy. just shy's enough. but how is you being nerdy a tomboy?

the beginning looks decent and does carry momentum. but you probably don't want to set your negative difference as individuality, unless...
actually, you could talk about how something changed you internally. An event, or something, that transformed your view of yourself. No longer do you view nerdyness as a hindrance, but as something "part of you". you could also (if it's true) talk about how through this change, you gained confidence and integrated in the school life and made friends.

but the entire thing has to be a story and flows well. For me, I went through immigration and realized that being a nerd isn't bad and I shouldn't be ashamed of it (of course, my topic and my circumstances were very different), but you could use an event to tie your individuality.

Don't forget one thing, you have to talk about your psychology. The reader wants to know why you are different / special INTERNALLY, so talk A LOT about your feelings and change in your psychology.

good luck, hope that helps.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

Hamlet's Realization

I'm not sure if you understand what's Hamlet's realization. It's not a balance, but "To be or not to be" which is "to act or not to act" and Hamlet finally chooses to act, and does all the things he does.

notice that even though it's a revenge story, nobody dies (except duncan) until act 4. WHY? because Hamlet was struggling whether to take action or to wait. He finally realizes his mission and his "road to glory" and decides to become active, which is why everybody dies in act 4 and 5.

his realization is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THEME. He overcame the bleaker side of himself (which was to submit himself to fate) and decided to take his revenge. So, I'd suggest you putting this in the intro and 1st paragraph. you need to make this your main point, not his loss of innocence (you sure? He was never truly innocent, he was smarter than everybody else and had the most devilish schemes) or his helplessness (or lethargy), which could be combined with melancholy.

hope that helps.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / Racism, UT essay B - issue of importance [5]

We see all sorts of problems in our society today, but one of the world's major issues has always been racism.

it's very generic and pretty much useless

and a lot of people are oblivious to the fact that it still exists

but a lot of people? don't you want to establish a contrast?

conclusion from racism?

your next sentence should answer this question

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

alright, you answer the part "choose an issue", but that's IT. THE ESSAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU CHOOSING THAT ISSUE ONLY, IT'S NOT ASKING YOU TO DESCRIBE A CONCERN, BUT TO write an essay in which you explain the significance .

the admin won't give a f about facts racism. the admin already knows what's racism, no need to remind. your essay would fit great if the prompt were: describe an issue, but that's not the freaking prompt!

this question doesn't want to know how much you know about an issue, but how YOU are changed. Point to me 1 sentence in which you described the impact of racism to you? were you discriminated against?

"People must understand that racism still exists to this day" so what? why should UT accept you?
COLLEGE ESSAYS NEED I's. If you don't have an "I" every other sentence at least, you are not doing what you are supposed to, which is to convince the college that you are an insightful person aware of a problem and changed by it. If you talk from the perspective of another person, then how will the admin learn about YOU?

My suggestion: either you have been discriminated against, talk about it, or change the subject to something much more person. It doesn't matter how much you care about it, if you can't say how you were changed or at least what you did to correct the problem, it will be a documentary and the reader will throw away your essay in 5 seconds (literally, the admin has about 5000 essays to read during a day, so s/he doesn't have time to read your impersonal view on slavery)

ANSWER THE PROMPT!!!!!!!

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / My Common App Additional Information Portion. making a difference by sailing [7]

I have a lot to say

you don't want to talk about the experience too much. the admins are trying to find out about you. so no need for unnecesary details of what you have done.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]

my family who has Uighur and Uzbek roots immigrated to Turkey in 1997 from East Turkistan which is an autonomous region belonged to China. Due

there's no main

Although I am applying from Turkey,

verb in this sentence
absolutely no relevance to the rest of your intro. so what if you are applying from turkey?

I think that friendship should not evaluate as political views. I liked them personally.

ok, if that's your thesis (it should be), then your essay is completely off topic. ANSWER THE PROMPT.
plus, political views? this is totally random. so you're saying people make friends in a new country cuz of politics? to belong? not true, at least without support

128th in national exam among 800.000 candidates.

impressive... but the fact that you used exact numbers make you sound pretentious. THEY HAVE YOUR RESUME

I was learning French,

haha emphasis of language... too blatant. and still to this point, I don't see how you answered any part of the question. are you telling me that you want your roomate to know that you are a genius? lol weird way of making friends...

that's why I can't talk about more special about our relations

haha THAT'S WHAT THE QUESTION IS ASKING FOR, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU CAN'T ANSWER THE PROMPT?

The only problem that could occur between me and my roommate is the soccer or the basketball team we support. I will look over my roommate's hobbies because these reflect passions and treats of him and I will catch minimum discord. I believe that the first person I can trust would definitely be my roommate.

this is the first and only part where you attempt to answer the question... that's not good

alright, i'm gonna be blatant with you. if this is an essay you can blow cuz it's not important or cuz you are absolutely sure that you'll get in stanford, then ignore what i'll tell you. otherwise, you really need to redo it.

What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

1. actually answer the prompt. it's a 2 part question: tell your roommate/stanford about you that they'll be interested. not how smart you are. everybody who goes to stanford are smart.

2. tell something about you that will hep your roommate. yes this is in the prompt, but please do it. it's very important that they do not only see how social you say you are, but actually know what kind of person you are and how you will deal with your mates.

anyway, don't konw what to tell you. i'd rewrite it if i were you. i mean it's worth the trouble if it's stanford.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / BU essay - Artistic, receptive, and inspired [5]

My artistic personality will be used to its fullest potential at Boston University. One way would be through theatre

my artistic personality will be used to its fullest through the Boston Theater program (put the actual name of the program or major).
avoid generic statements.

Boston University will allow me to express my artistic abilities

how? as far as i'm concerned, every colleges have theater programs

Because of my enthusiasm for learning,

it's too... cheeky. it sounds too much like you trying to get in college. enthusiasm for learning... it's not bad, but makes you sound a bit pretentious. It's obvious that everyone can say that they are enthusiastic for learning, but only a few actually do. So i'd suggest be more specific. What kind of learning? about the world? in school? languages? cultures? math? what?

Because of my enthusiasm for learning, I would describe myself as receptive. My openness towards new ideas and insights has led me to learn much about the world and its details. I am excited about what knowledge can do, and therefore I try to gain as much information as I can. The receptive manner in which I have will take me far at Boston University. College is meant for learning, and I intend to acquire all the knowledge needed for my future whether it is for my career or for my life-long skills.

this entire paragraph tells nothing about you or BU. honestly, I can duplicate your paragraph and put it in any of my essay. kills the momentum you built so far by mentioning theater, which is actually not an interest that everybody have.

My life is driven by inspiration. For example, I am a juggler; I was inspired to learn after watching a juggling competition on television. Since then juggling has become my passion. Works

you spent 3 sentences to say: One day, I watched TV, and was inspired to be a juggler (this sentnce is not to be used, but you get the idea. be BRIEF!)

ok. typical "i write an essay that shows my strength (vaguely) to make my go in BU, but I didn't actually do any research and don't know anything about BU" type essay.

not to be mean, but you showed 0 reason why BU is the right school for you. If all you know about the school is shown in your essay. I suggest you finding a school you are actually passionate about.

TALK SPECIFICALLY. both in your description of yourself and of the college. what makes you receptive, artistic (that paragraph actually gets the point), and inspiration (really? do you even know what that means?)

you need to be more personal and actually do some thinking and research to answer the prompt.

yang

Dec 5, 2009

Undergraduate / My Common App Additional Information Portion. making a difference by sailing [7]

This day was June 22, 2009, my first day on the job at the Downtown Sailing Center.

it was June 22...

gaining new friendships

maybe more personal? making new friends?

my friends and I; my peers and I...

Concepts, such as man-overboard, docking and capsize recovery, was continuously practiced

never use passive unless you really intend it. This case, active tense may be much stronger

Faced with frightening tasks,

when? where? what happened? you didn't actually discuss any task

Taking advantage of my summer, I made a difference on people's lives

really? how?

Remember three rules when sailing with me: Always 1) wear your life-jacket 2) remain seated and 3) have fun. The exhausting days of rigging sailboats and learning new boating concepts paid off. Next summer, I am looking forward to back as a sailing instructor!

so very generic. It has to be more personal than simply you learning boat skills and having fun right? I mean you did say in the intro

What started as my first time rigging and sailing a boat turned into discovering a new passion of making a difference by sailing.

what difference is that?

Overall, unconnected last sentence. It was supposed to wrap up everything you talked about, but you made it into a mundane experience in which you had fun.

This experience is a very special thing not many had done, but you talking about SAT's and sharing with your peers and learning new skills and things are... very typical. I can pretty much duplicate your second paragraph (most important one) and apply to an essay of working in the library or going out fishing. It doesn't tell anything about you, except that you are an outgoing asian who can learn... so can the 5000 other ones that apply to the same school

Therefore, I suggest that you pick out a specific even in which you made a difference or that CHANGED your THINKING. Don't talk about what you did, not interesting. talk about what you THOUGHT and what kind of person you really are.

is that honestly harsh enough?