Writing Feedback / People are moving in to the big cities for more comfortable and convenient life [10]


Try to avoid phrases like "I personally feel." They don't really add anything to the essay. How about replacing that part with "In many respects," or something along this line?


Again, be more direct.

Undergraduate / Texas App. Essay About Family [5]

First off, the question asks you to write about someone who has made an impact on your life. Therefore, I think it'd be more appropriate to mention 1 person and go into details about how he/she made what kind of an impact. Try to think about specific pieces of advice this person gave you and/or interesting anecdotes to elaborate your point. This is pretty much what shalini singh mentioned already. The general remarks will not provide the admission officers with much insight.

Secondly, the intro is a bit too long and lacks in substance. The essay doesn't require you to pick the one that has made the most impact, so I don't think you should be too worried about making your choice, though I understand it's not always too easy to pick one. You can maybe sum up your feelings about this matter in a couple of sentences, but the intro, as it stands now, is too wordy and quite frankly, boring.

Lastly, I agree with EF_Susan that this part:


is great.

Maybe it'd be a good idea to expand from this you know, think about one of those particular instancies in which she really made you feel that way and so on.

Good luck with your essay!

Undergraduate / Georgetown EFS Prompt, current global issue (medicine) [7]



"as if I were a superhero" sounds awkward.


The conclusion is proper but generic. I can't think of any better alternatives though. :/

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Caltech Humor Prompt [4]

Uh... I gotta disagree with Punpunpun that it sounds all that "artificial and disengenuous." Okay, this maybe.


I could be wrong, but that's the impression I got.

I don't really think you need to explicate all the details.

The end is just fine.
The lead-up is a tad too long though.

Undergraduate / Columbia - Who am I? birds and beauty (is it focused? do I repeat myself?) [5]

This is definitely "an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are."


Add a hyphen.

Avoid using terms like "I guess."

I wish I could write as well as you do. :/

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - McDonald's [5]


I presume your grandma lives in South Korea. It sounds very starnge that your grandmother knowing the existence of McDonald's is a proof of its prominence, especially if she lives in an urban area. Then it'd be like saying, "hey, even my cousin who lives in NYC knows about McDonald's." If that's not the case, you have to specify.


That "and" between "childhood" and "also" should be removed.


This is just a suggestion. You should definitely break this up into 2 or more sentences.


I like the style of your writing. However, some sentences are too long and lack commas.
The topic is fine, and so is the structure.

Undergraduate / Chubby Charm - MY COMMON APP ESSAY [7]


Here, "a typical high school guy" is supposed to refer to "I", which I don't think is what you intended it to be. It also seems strange that you previously mentioned that he's thoughtful and then, in this sentence you say that he is immature and silly.



Sounds awkward.



What do you mean by "Intensive Beating"?


What problem are you referring to?


Again, terms like "a few of us" cannot be used without previoiusly mentioning who the "us" are.

Hmmm... This essay does present some intriguing qualities about you, but Kevin is probably right. Include some aspects that adcoms would usually look for in an admission essay. It's a great essay nonetheless, and I think you can definitely stick with this topic.

Undergraduate / "I am clean, but not tidy" - Stanford roomate essay [6]

Wow, I really get a good idea of who you are by reading this essay.

I agree with yang that the frequent use of "you"s and "like"s is not so desirable.


How about taking out "we sometimes lose things" and combining these two sentences? Just a suggestion.

Also,



These two essentially mean the same.


Haha, so am I.

Oh, and shouldn't "Math" be spelled with a small m?

Undergraduate / Poverty - Common App. Essay on a National Concern to You [5]


You don't need to define what poverty is. Besides, this sentence is flawed. Actually, I think starting your essay with your second paragraph is better.


So... Are you referring to "the working poor" or to the people without jobs? The two cannot be the same.


So it was the staff that inspired you to help the poor? That's the first time you mentinoned "staff and the stories." I mean, weren't the plights of the poor you witnessed that motivated you? This is very strange...



These two essentially talk about the same thing.

You should organize your ideas more and think about what to add and what to subtract from this essay. I suggest you focus more on describing your experience with "food pantries" and the lessons you learned.


This is a great quote to use in this kind of essay, btw.

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: About me. Acting. [4]

Oh my... I hope you do realize that this essays is WAY over the limit (1800 characteristics).
This is 3200+ characteristics long, so... it needs to be cut short.
Plus, I gotta tell you, I didn't really get all the analogy of acting in this essay.
Since you mention this,


I'm not sure what to make of from the first two paragraphs... What were they for? If they don't really portray who you are?

I suggest you be more straight-forward and kinda informal, especially with this kind of essay.
But it's really up to you I guess.

Undergraduate / MIT spare time essay and appealing major [5]


This could be said about virtually any field one wants to major in. You don't need to mention it. Try to be more specific about it maybe.


This sounds not only generic but also a bit awkward. You have great details about your past... why not about right now and about the future? Briefly mention your current activities and then really focus on how MIT's mechanical engineering program is the right choice for you.

Oh now I see that yang already mentioned this...

I'd like to add that I really like your answer to the first prompt.


What I understand from this is that you are aware of the "environmental concerns" of cutting down trees to make paper for magazines and such. Not too sure if I'm right, but you should revise this sentence to make it... make sense.

Undergraduate / BROWN- my dream university; 'My interest in the international community' [7]

The first two answers are... great. However, it's too bad you cannot exceed the character limit and therefore should look for a way to cut out more than half of your answers for each prompt.

So... Here are my suggestions.


For example, this sentence is somewhat repetitive. Without it, the message you're trying to convey will not be lost.


The adcoms will probably know you have good grades by referring to your transcript. Also, I'm a bit concerned about the part after the comma... Again, I don't think there'd be a major change in your 2nd paragraph if you remove this sentence altogether.


Hmm... sounds quite generic. Besides, these sentences don't deal with why and how your experiences at MUN helped you to develop communication and diplomacy skills.

Oh, btw, since you are going to talk about MUN mainly for the second prompt, maybe it's not such a good idea to write about it twice.

Moving on,


and


Some parts of these two sentences overlap. Plus, "I definitely... world" part is generic.


This last sentence from your answer to the last promt contradicts your statements you had made in your answer for the 2nd prompt. Didn't you mention that you want to become a diplomat?

Lastly, try to avoid using phrases like "I feel, definitely(as in "I definitely want to...", etc.

Okay... I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Good teachers should give Challenging tasks to their students [4]


One word...


This probably isn't the best way to fix it, but you should definitely change the tense.

Hmmm... Judging by the tone of your essay, this doesn't seem like an admission essay.
If it is, then you should be more personal when discussing whatever the topic you want to talk about. For instance,


Sounds like an intro for an argumentative or persuasive essay rather than a personal essay that reflects your experience...

Also, regardless of whether this is an admission essay, posting the prompt for it will be helpful to the readers at essayforum.com, or anybody else who would look over your essay.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]


Very unnecessary...

The fact that you had to travel 2 hrs to get to the uni and how your friends call that... All of these details are irrelevant to your interest in maths.

Describe more of what you do at the program. Do you solve difficult math problems? Do you listen to lectures? Do you have to work in groups to solve some kind of puzzle? Those kind of things are probably what adcoms(especially the ones at MIT) look for.

Undergraduate / "I loved the water" - UM Short Answer, Issue of Local Concern [6]


Sounds pretty awkward. I think removing this bit would be a good idea.


This sounds better... to me.




If you insist on using the repetition, then you should use semi-colons or periods instead of commas.



I don't think it's the best way to fix the problem. But the preposition "for" doesn't work for either enjoyed or protected here.


Moving this sentence to right before the previous sentence seems more logical.


"Nonpoint source pollution" is spelled without the "-". Also, what kind of development are you referring to? You mentioned dams, which could be thought of as a part of that development.


I'm not too sure if by "a fragile eco-system" you were referring to the river. Again, discard the "-", as ecosystem is spelled without it. Plus, "this" should be replaced by "there", "to take" by "to be taken"... I suggest you just remove this sentence altogether.

The ideas in the second & third paragraphs are jumbled up. The best way to revise them would be to concentrate on describing the harmful effects of the pollutions in the second, and talk about the ways people could contribute to reduce the pollutions in the third.

The last paragraph is just a repetition of things you mentioned previoiusly, and thus, unnecessary. Focus more on answering the question: "How do you think it should be addressed?"

If I were you, I would briefly talk about how the government and the firms could also help to reduce pollution and add something like, "HOWEVER, the most solution to this problem is awareness..." and so on, though this sort of response sounds very, very hackneyed...:/

Hope this helps.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


I think the addition of this sentence definitely helps.


I think this-> "this intricate course also merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures" would be one of the reasons that you fine economics fascinating. If what I'm assuming is correct, putting "not only" before "a fascinating topic" would be awkward. No?

Oh, here's another suggestion. How about this


This sounds more logical to me, but I'm not so sure.

Ah well... I'm just nitpicking. Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]


How about "deserve" instead of "get?"


"concentrating"->"wasting" Just a suggestion...


I think the use of "but" instead of "and" would be more appropriate here. Also, don't forget to put a comma before a conjunction when you are combining two sentences. So, that should look something like... "her life was at stake, and(but) she believed that it wasn't going let go of her so early."

Undergraduate / Her face -U Wisc-Madison prompt [4]

This is rather well-written.

However,


I'm afraid your essay does not anwer the prompt.

You did talk about your "particular life experience," but this should somehow show that you will contribute to the university's community.


This is what they are ultimately looking for in your essay.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


Hmm... I guess I was being a bit more reasonable the first time I critiqued your essay yang. :/
I still think this is an integral part of your essay where you really talk about the "evolution," so it'd be probably wise to keep it in there.

One option I thought about was "tying" your third paragraph with the words of your econ teacher.


Afterall, he did mention many of the stuffs you stated in the third paragraph. I'm not too sure if it was due to this one remark of his that you realized how all your different interests were relevant to the field of economics, but I'm just sayin'... I hope this makes sense to you.

I also find that


may sound somewhat contradictory to the remarks you made in the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / "I guarantee to not let down this marvelous institution" - FSU essay [5]


Getting rid of these first two sentences might be a good idea.

I agree with Mustafa1991 that your essay sounds like... yea... He described it quite vividly and I'm guessing he meant it sounds quite disjointed. It's maybe because you are trying too hard to sorta fit those words in to your life.


According to the prompt you cant talk about "one or more" of the values of the concepts. Rather than trying to incorporate every single aspects of them into your essay, try to focus on just a couple of them that really define who you are.

Lastly, I think you need to revise your essay with your English teacher because... frankly speaking, I could spot quite a few grammatical errors.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / MacaulayHonorSupp; "I am picturing everyone in the audience in their underwear." [4]


What do you mean? Why would you do that? No offense, but while I found this to be somewhat funny, I don't see what this has to do with the rest of your essay. It sounds so random.

Also, the use of past tense is more appropriate when describing your experience in the first tournament.

Most importantly, I don't think you actually answered the prompt. You are supposed to "identify a significant risk/intellectual experience you have taken/gone through and how it has changed your life." I can see that what you experienced did change your life in some ways, but it seems to me that your experience with the tournaments is neither a risk nor an "intellectual" experience. Now, don't get me wrong. I certainly do think debating is something usually intellectually engaging. However, from the way you described your experience, I don't really get a sense of intellectual engagement. Okay. I may be overanalyzing.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


I thank you! I really appreciate it!


I'm not so sure if I'm good enough to become a contributor, but thanks a bunch. I will consider that.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay Topic #1: A "Walker" to Remember [9]

Avoiding redundancies will help you tighten up your essay.

For instance,


this part should be taken out. Since you wrote about this in the previous paragraph quite extensively, I don't think you need an extra explanation for your "fateful encounter with Mrs. Walker."




I don't know if it's just me... but anyway, I found it repetitive that you used three adjectives that start with "self-" in one paragraph.


Here, you can remove "personally."

I think what yahyakhan meant by


is that a lot of the things you talk about in the third and the fourth paragraph overlap.

Stylistically speaking, you rely too heavily on adjectives and adverbs when you describe people or events. Good use of action verbs will not only reduce the "dragging" problem, but also strengthen the impact of the messages you are trying to deliver.

Oh, and your conclusion could be improved by talking about what specific activities you would like to engage in instead making a rather generic remark like this:


Overall, I do think that you write quite well and that you chose a great topic to write about.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


Nah, the first time I read your essay was right before I made my first comments. By second time, I didn't mean that I had to re-read your essay. I was just saying I read it again before making my second comment.

I'm afraid I don't quite get what you mean by "flipping the question," but I don't think your essay is boring at all. Your way of answering question is the best possible way I could think of to address prompts like this. You answer every one of the aspects mentioned in the prompt, and I don't see any problem with that honestly.

Oh, and I only spotted this upon reading your essay for the second time:


If that's the case, the adcom will hopefully understand what you mean by "assimilation of three cultures" and how it shaped your interests. Afterall, I don't really think you can eleborate on that too much given that the prompt asks you to include all those different things in your essay within the 500-word limit.


Yea, I think using a semi-colon is a great idea.

OK. That's pretty much it. I feel like most of the things I've said you already knew. :(


Hahaha don't be so harsh on yourself.
I do have to say though, "My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!!" did make me chuckle a little bit.:)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell! [4]

I'm guessing you chose the first prompt.


Yet you state,


Self-contradiction, maybe? Or are you implying that being "a lead actor" and managing "a straight A average" aren't that big of a deal?

You stated several times that you worked hard and learned that striving hard is important.



How so? Provide support for your claims.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

Having read your essay over for the second time, I realized I was maybe being overly-critical.

I now see that you are explaining mainly the "evolution" part of your intellectual interests in the third paragraph and how economics encompasses all those different interests.

I wanted to clarify a few things.


Correct me if I'm wrong.
When I first read your intro, I interpreted your lack of knowledge in those particular fields as the reasons that you were dismayed, which, while not totally irrelevant to studying econ, I thought had little to do with Economics itself. Now, however, I think you meant that just as in these other social studies classes in which you felt overwhelmed by other kids' "common American knowlege," you expected pretty much the same to happen in the econ class.


I find this sentence confusing because I wasn't sure whether you were expecting an actual history lecture in an econ class, which is sorta strange, or you expected the econ class to be like the typical history lecture, in which you found yourself at a disadvantage. I'm guessing you probably meant the latter though. Oh well... I may be the only one confused... :/

Anyway, I hope you get what I meant.

Here are just a few more suggestions.


I think it'd be better to begin with just "Through my assimilation..."
"In fact" in this sentence sounds inappropriate... but I am not so sure.


Breaking this up into two sentences sounds better...to me.
How about "I enjoyed solving algebraic equations as much as reading a novel in French. I even relished watching historical movies and analyzing the significance of the fall of the French domination over Quebec, despite my struggle in social studies."

All right. That's it. I hope this helps you.

Undergraduate / "transforming their bodies into pendulums" - Stanford short answer [4]

Oh, well... As I was half way through commenting on the fourth paragraph of your essay, I realized yang already covered pretty much everything I wanted to say.

Though this may sound trivial, I would just like to add that the possibility of explaining the physics while doing that incredibly difficult flip sounds very unlikely.


Maybe you could rephrase that somehow.

Undergraduate / Cornell application essay for Arts and Sciences - interest writing [9]

This is a well-written essay and answers the prompt sufficiently.

However, as t1292 said, listing the title of the works with just one- or two-word descriptions sounds a bit superficial.
Since you more space to write anyways, it'd be great if you could eleborate more on some of the works and artists you mentioned.

Also,


I think this would be a good place to begin a new paragraph.

Undergraduate / My world, my Greek family, my dreams - UC Prompt #1; Weightlifting and Psychology [12]


I believe this sentence is an example of a logical fellacy called "circular argument."
You are basically saying that getting a good education is very important because you know that it is important. I hope you find a way to fix that somehow...

Aristotle was the very first person in the West to provide the definition for "begging the question" fallacy, which is often considered similar to "circular argument," though he actually argued that while "begging the question" is a fallacy, "circular argument" isn't.


I get what you mean, but you should rephrase "allow me to start my life" to "allow me to become independent of my parents" or something along that line.


^Suggestion: "I had tried many different sports, but decided to focus on water polo, wrestling, and discus."
You cannot put a comma before "however", as it is an adverb, not a conjunction. If you want to keep "however", you should replace that comma with a semi-colon instead.


"The reason... because" is redundant. It should be "the reason... that."


Again, I get what you are trying to say, but If I were you, I'd probably leave this part out. If you wanna keep it, then try to find another way to say "bonus with the girls."

Also, as in the case of this sentence,


you used present perfect tense when addressing events that took place in the past. Use simple past or past perfect.

I don't wanna sound too harsh, but there are many, many grammatical errors in this essay. It'd be a good idea to revise it with your English teacher... I hope this helps. :)

Undergraduate / 'The best advice is experience' - Cornell university --why cornell engineering? [5]


There are many great universities for undergraduate education, both within and outside the Ivy League. Cornell being "a member of the Ivies" in itself does not really have much to do with it's strong engineering departmet.


Mentioning "the co-op program" is good, but you don't mention in what way it will help you.


Again, this statement is too generic and could be said about many other universities.

I advise you to go to Cornell's website and do some research on its engineering department and find specific programs or some other aspects that interest you. Then, talk about how they relate to your interest in engineering istead of making general remarks.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

First off, I would like to mention that I am not a competent writer. Nor am I a native speaker...

Some of the points you made confuse me.

For example,

What I understand from the first sentence is that you were dismayed to find out that you were required to take both US Government and Economics.

Given that you mainly talk about your interest in economics in your essay, I don't see how your lack of knowledge in history, geography, or politics has anything to do with you not expecting much from your econ class. I also found it a bit weird that you expected a "typical history lecture." Maybe it's just me...

Also, I don't think you sufficiently explain the link between the topics you discuss in the third paragraph and how those relate to your prospect of becoming a brilliant economist.

I like the last paragraph. You address many specific details about Cornell that match well your interest.

Lastly, I couldn't spot any grammatical errors...but I'm not so good at grammar, so...

Well... those were the things I wanted to mention. Hope this helps.