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Posts by Wanderer_x
Joined: Dec 19, 2009
Last Post: Mar 5, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 88  


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Wanderer_x   
Mar 5, 2010
Writing Feedback / Life in symmetry - Essay. [2]

Well this is just one of my random pieces. Not for any use. I just want it to be read and discussed if anyone is interested. Any creative criticism or argument regarding my views are welcomed!

Life in symmetry



Today, I spend almost two hours trimming the hedges and doing other gardening stuff. After I finished, I liked the change I noticed in my garden. But then I wondered what I really did to please my fastidious eyes. The plants were same as before, exactly at the same place. The only change in them was that they had a kind of distinct pattern, rows of hedges neatly trimmed to give the desired look. What really pleased me was the symmetry I noticed in my little garden.

Human beings have a peculiar affinity for symmetry. In everything they see they search for a kind of symmetry. And at times, they call it beauty. They call a person beautiful if he has all the desired bodily features perfectly in place; if his one eye is a bit large than the other, his beauty gets scarred. And the same applies to his life. If he gets a good job, earns enough money, marries an attractive woman, gives birth to bright children and earns some respect in the society, his life is termed successful. In other words, that much-desired success is a kind of desire for symmetry itself. I don't know how I can explain our love for symmetry. Maybe it is because our body itself is perfectly symmetrical; two eyes, two nostrils, two nipples, a set of limbs and even two nuts, everything in two so that when our body is split from the middle, the symmetry is perfectly maintained. The ones in singular count, belly button or penis, are kept exactly in the middle so that they won't dare to disrupt the symmetry.

I know our hearts do not follow the symmetry; that I learned in A-level Biology. What I truly wish to know is whether our souls are symmetrical. What do you say?
Wanderer_x   
Feb 22, 2010
Book Reports / corporate greed and the Grapes of Wrath [3]

Well you need to at least post something you have written or your raw ideas so that others may provide constructive inputs.
Wanderer_x   
Feb 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / Personal Essay- How the children from India transformed me [3]

materialistic gratification were the only means of obtaining happiness.

attaining happiness(obtaining sounds a bit weird)

It seems to be a very honest peace of writing. I like it. Well connected throughout. Good flow and neat organization! Yes, your essay makes perfect sense in relation to the quote.

You can be confident of this one. Good Luck!
Wanderer_x   
Feb 22, 2010
Book Reports / Powerful Afghani women in "A Thousand Splendid Suns" thesis help [5]

maybe something like...The novel, not just limiting itself to Afgani women's plight, portrays their earnest longing for freedom amidst the external subservience, their capacity to take bold steps despite adversities and their innate ability to love even in the atmospehere of hatred.

(If you want I may explain a bit with examples from the story)
Wanderer_x   
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "ready to return to my learning state of mind" - SCAD STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [5]

My old love was loss lost, as I was too addicted to this lifestyle.

My learning stopped for an ample amount of time; however I am ready to return to my learning state of mind.

I should tell you that this line indicates that you have yet not "returned" back (ready to return). So, instead, you can state that you have overcome your addiction and have been pursuing your interest with much more vigor and passion since you have realised what you truly aspire to be.

After going through a year of Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned a lot about myself. One of the things I learned was that I never wanted to be an alcoholic; I want to be a graphic designer.

These lines are the most important part of your essay.So you may highlight these lines by expanding a bit for to make your essay more impactful.
Wanderer_x   
Feb 3, 2010
Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

Thanks KEvin! Yeah I have already submitted it. But never mind. Since it's for DePauw, a comparatively less selective university, it does not make much difference if the soul of the essay is in the right place.
Wanderer_x   
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

KEVIN I was not able to express what I meant in the first paragraph properly.(So, I think you got it wrong.) My bad!

SOmeone else to comment on my essay??? Deadline is today itself. So please help soon!!
Wanderer_x   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Smith College Supp. "Is a women's college still relevant in 2009?" [3]

From The Journals of Sylvia Plath, I first met Smith.

"I first met Smith" sounds like Smith is some person.

I was really surprised that Smith is the college that I have been looking for.

can do without this line better.

Most imp, the prompt asks you to tell how did you "first learn" about Smith, nothing like why smith. So, your answer is somewhat out of topic. Just two-three lines on how you came to know about Smith and what made you try to learn more should be enough. For instance, because you wish to become a advocate for women and children, the fact that Smith is a women's college clicked in your case.
Wanderer_x   
Jan 29, 2010
Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

>>its asked in the site...either submit a graded paper or an essay to this prompt...any critiques on my essay?..
.please help!
Wanderer_x   
Jan 29, 2010
Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

This is my response to the Depauw prompt. Since the deadline is Feb 1st, I really need some help. I ll try to return the favor.

Describe a personal experience or a circumstance that has moved you towards a greater understanding of the value of diversity.

"Do you speak English?" a French man, who visited our family as my dad's guest, asked me once. In response, I wagged my head sideways. "Sorry, is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?", he seemed genuinely confused while I was taken aback. I thought it was a common gesture throughout the world. "Yes, I do speak a little bit of English", I replied. "Oh! Your sideways head-wag is same as the forward nod then. I have noticed other Nepalese do that as well." he said. "It's the Nepalese way, a bit of our unique style you see!" with a subtle sense of pride, I replied when a British friend of mine asked me the same question during my stay at Bhakunde.

A few months earlier, I had gone to a remote Nepalese village called Bhakunde where I worked as a volunteer to construct a "Child Care Home" along with five British volunteers from the University of Oxford. During our six weeks stay at Bhakunde, we worked as full-time manual laborers. We ate the same food those people with one-dollar-per-day income would eat and did the same work they did. We, I and my British friends, belonged to the complete different worlds from that of those villagers. For the Britons, skin color was just one the hundred obvious differences. For me, the language of that village itself was different to the Nepali I spoke back at home. Yet, just after a month's stay, we felt like we too belonged to that village. We loved the jokes those villagers enjoyed sharing repeatedly with us. We displayed superb skills at their local games and learned almost all the steps of their folk dance. We loved their local wine even more than they did. For my British counterparts, language was no more a trouble for they could interact well with the villagers even with their limited Nepalese vocabulary and elaborate hand gestures. Slowly, our distinction was marred and all that truly remained was our mutual love and respect.

At Bhakunde, I understood that diversity is nothing to be tolerated or adjusted for. It is rather something to embrace and appreciate. The more openly one embraces the differences in others, the better will he notice the beauty hidden in every subtle difference. Every variation, be it a cultural or an individual difference, makes the world all the more interesting.

After my return from Bhakunde, when I took an Australian friend of mine for a drive around Kathmandu valley, he asked me a question, "I have seen many guys in Kathmandu holding hands together. Are they all gay?" With a smile on my face, I promptly replied "No that is just a Nepalese way of displaying friendly affection. Besides, doesn't that make our culture even more fascinating?"
Wanderer_x   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chicken Curry Sushi" - my common app personal essay [8]

Its definitely a good piece. The way you tell your story is interesting. But at times, it gets out of focus. Also its quite long (must be 1000+ words I suppose). you can do without Ban ki Moon episode. Since you basically talk about things adcom must have read before(in an engaging manner of course), your essay will work better if you trim down a third of it.

Will you review mine:
Wanderer_x   
Jan 6, 2010
Book Reports / "The Struggle Of Women in Afghanistan"; "A thousand Splendid Suns" [4]

This would be my version of its thesis if I were to write one:
"In the Thousand Splendid Suns, Mr. Hosseni paints the dreams and aspirations of Afgani women and depicts their plight and resignation in a male dominated setting through a story that spans over two generation."

Though I like the book, I found it a bit melodramatic, like a Bollywood moive.
Wanderer_x   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Sticks and Stones) [9]

daniel.. It actually sounds good now(despite few problems in wording)...work on it and you ll have a fine essay.
Also make your point in the first few paragraphs more subtle...something like he tried to demean you in every way possible rather than curse you every time. You can trim down the first part a bit so that you may add some proper reflections about the event and its relevence to you on the last para.

Good Luck!
Wanderer_x   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Sticks and Stones) [9]

The guy always used to taunt you and one day, just because you confronted him bravely with a hard-hitting line or two, he changed his entire attitude towards you. IS that what you are trying to say? The transition is not very believable. Things like "heartfelt" part don't ring true. If it did happen, describe it in detail. His exact reaction, what he must have felt at that time, what must have had made him react in such mean way before. Also, you need to reflect more upon the experience as mentioned in the post above.

Overall, you do seem to have a good command over your writing.
Wanderer_x   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Bard Supplement Essay - Role of non-commercial art in our Society [6]

utter control over all the actions which is visually obvious for the audience.

to the audience

This was the root of all art forms until the age of modernization where artists decided to experiment and shift from the classical customs which seemed like a tired subject but the worthy treat of classic art is that modern art would not exist without the derivation of the ideas from the old style.

it's too long to follow. You can easily break this sentence into two.

Avoid contractions...weren't: were not

I find your essay a bit like a newspaper article. You seem so detached throughout. You can add about why this art form is important to you, why you particularly you find it interesting and so on.

I don't exactly know what kind of response this Bard supplement demands.
Good Luck!
Wanderer_x   
Jan 5, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]

I think essay is a very convenient form of expression with comparatively less barriers. An essay can be like a story, a prose, a poem or a unique combination of two or more.
Wanderer_x   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / My Common App main Essay - Unsolved mystery of my life [5]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I don't know in which way your essay answers the above prompt. I could not derive much about you through your essay since there is no such personal touch to it.
Wanderer_x   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

"Dream a Little Dream"
"Dream Deferred"
I think you should come up with something else(topic I mean) for Jan 15 deadline :)
You neither defer your dreams, nor are they little!...Maybe "Dreams unlimited"..just my opinion
Wanderer_x   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / 'I had been overwhelmed' - LAB EXPERIENCES AND TRANQUILITY [4]

Yes, I get your point. For an IVY league coll, this essay will surely catch the attention of the adcom. They might love it, they might hate it. But they will at least read it carefully! :)
Wanderer_x   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

I know now am aware that life won't will not always work out the way I plan, but I will not stop dreaming big still not stop to dream big, working work relentlessly to fulfill my dreams, and appreciate the ones that do come true.

Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I had been overwhelmed' - LAB EXPERIENCES AND TRANQUILITY [4]

Its evident that you have a strong command over your writing.

But I find your essay difficult to follow. You don't use heavy words as such but the way you arrange them makes your sentences a bit cryptic. I find your essay quite abstract (I don't know if that's your deliberate intention.)

Or maybe I am not able enough to comprehend your essay.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]

When some days she felt inspired,
Wonders upon her canvas transpired.

wonders or wondered?

Into all she that she did she put her soul,

I sense something wrong out here. Are you trying to say "Into all she that she did she put her soul"
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Sorry I am not really being clear. Your essay is technically perfect with sound content. The only thing is that its not outstanding like your commonapp essay. Perhaps I have read and written about such things like "medicine cures, science is beautiful" too many times. So, to me, they don't sound much original. Still, your essay complements your personal statement well. So, don't panic!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / What would you research about and why...my supplement.. [5]

thanks twizzlestraw! I found your suggestions really to the point and very helpful. Since the deadline for Bard in JAn 15, I will work on it later. I ll definitely keep all your suggestions in my mind while reworking on it.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Actually, since your commonapp essay is really strong, this can serve as a decent backdrop. You don't really need to worry. :)

Also, have you, by chance, read Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coehlo? The whole kissing episode of your essay seemed strikingly similar to an episode of that novel.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

I had read that Oprah Winfrey came in second in the nation in d

came second nationwide in

Furthermore, it truly could not erase all the things that I had achieved because I saw myself doing them. Does this point get lost?

Yep, this does get lost.

Although I did consider for a while that "the bigger my dream gets, the harder shall it will fall", I later realized that "the bigger my dream gets, the farther shall I reach."

That was just my version. You don't need to agree :)

Interesting!!! I enjoyed this one. All I can say is GOOD LUCK!
If you got time, please check my last supp:
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Read your tweaked version carefully once. There are some silly grammatical and spelling errors.
like I did not "have" a particularly sig...,my (space) memory, resonateds, mreover
Oh Sorry I forgot to mention, your response is fine(can be better). Right now, I m reading your commonapp essay which I am finding really interesting!!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]

Beautiful, dirty, rich, as well as intelligent and talented, Stefani Germanotta, better known as Lady Gaga, is someone I would love to spend a day in The Big Apple with. Quirky and queer, we would bond at one of New York City's many karaoke bars singing to our favorite tunes from the classics by Queen to the hits from ofthe late Michael Jackson. Spending a day with this especially eccentric individual lady would teach me(ain't you daring)would inspire me further to be fearlessly daring, a mindset important for any artist to have a quality an artist must possess.

Hope that helped.
I liked your haiku. But I think your poem has problem with tense. You switch from present tense to past. ????

Rest is good!
If you have a little more time:
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'It was love at first strum' - Common App Short Answer: the ukulele [4]

I like to think that in my life, there are endless possibilities.

I sense a bit of structural problem. My suggestion : "I believe that there are endless possibilities in life."

Well written indeed! Nice conclusion.

If you can spare few minutes, please help me with my supplement:
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

... I spent the next five minutes committing it to my memory. I can not say I had a particularly good reason for doing thisawkwardly worded "I did not have any significant reason for doing so ; the disease was ...

To me, it is abstractwell, "abstract" is a really (...) word or delete it and beautiful.

... she went to the hospital, I would ardently dig out my crayons / ardently dug out my.. and glitter and masterfully crafted a beautiful "get well soon" card.

... visits became more frequent, it became evident to me/ you ve just used "became" a word before I realized that she ...
Thus, at the age of seven I realized Even at the early age of seven, I knew only one thing could make my aunt better: medicine. I decided that when I grewwould grow up, I would discover (...) cure would be my dear Aunt Barbara.

... but as a source of life and thus beauty. Undoubtedly, that is why I fell in love with it. Its The beauty of medicine resonated s from the fact that it was is the science of humanity. Medicine retained the ability in itself to save my aunt's life.this sentence is not quite clear Although my aunt passed away years ago, my dream has not. My passion is all the more stregnthened the beauty I see. Something is really wrong with this line!

Hope I helped!
Thanks for your comments. Please help me once more:
Wanderer_x   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay... [13]

I'd love some more comments. This is my edited version. I tried to take in account everyone's comment. However, I did not want to lose my essence and so stuck to few points.

srandhawa: Thanks for your elaborate comment. But for now, I am really finding it difficult to come up with new ideas. Maybe, I ll try to do that for Jan15 deadline.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for Harvard, Yale, Stanford - What impression do you get? Is it arrogant? [14]

I like your essay. Nice flow. I can get a good picture of you through your lines.

I aspire to be an American.

This line makes you seem like you don't like your nationality. My suggestion would be " I aspire to be an American, not literally, but in terms of thoughts, values and spirit."

Would you check one of mine?
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Red, my favorite color" - Common App Essay Draft- Needs critiquing [7]

Amazing work!

So, while a favorite color may be a predisposition to aesthetics; one may prefer the cheery brightness of yellow to the solemn tranquility of purple, and another may prefer that same solemn tranquility to the scathing scorch of orange, "favorite" colors can be derived from the specific qualities of a person, whether they are based on physicality (deep blue eyes or dark brown skin) or personality (a lighthearted, cheery "yellow" disposition).

This is one long sentence. You can break it into three sentences. After aesthetics, comma, not semi-colon. After purple, fullstop. After orange, another fullstop. That way, your ideas will be easier to follow.

I'd love if you'd review my commonapp essay.

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