Wanderer_x
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]
of or for? :S
enhance my love of learning
of or for? :S
Wanderer_x
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "never met my grandfather" - Stanford Short Response- intellectual vitality [13]
good work overall!!
Its a well balanced essay. I m glad to notice how you provide your essay a soul of its own without being excessively emotional.
Well, what do you mean by subjective out here? I doubt if subjective is the proper word.
Will you take a look at my commonapp essay?
good work overall!!
Its a well balanced essay. I m glad to notice how you provide your essay a soul of its own without being excessively emotional.
fact that handwriting is subjective
Well, what do you mean by subjective out here? I doubt if subjective is the proper word.
Will you take a look at my commonapp essay?
Wanderer_x
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How can you answer the what you can contribute to upenn supplement [16]
Two things:
Its long, really long.:(
Its makes sense despite its length :)
Though I got it, its not quite clear.
Your essay could well do without these lines that dont involve you at all. Why go on talking about what others do in your essay?
Isn't your degree a four-years one?
Though your essay tells a lot about your genuine interest in UPenn, its colossal length kills!! Since its not a story, they might find it boring. Trim it down at least by a third to make it crisp and impactful.
For instance, you could well capture the essense of the last para in 4-5 lines.
Two things:
Its long, really long.:(
Its makes sense despite its length :)
What was separating me from that very same fate at age 23?
Though I got it, its not quite clear.
So many prospective biology students (which I am looking at becoming, either through Bioengineering or Pre-Medicine) only look through material with a biological lens [...]
It had taken so long, but my answer had come so amazingly quick: the research opportunities at Penn.
It had taken so long, but my answer had come so amazingly quick: the research opportunities at Penn.
Your essay could well do without these lines that dont involve you at all. Why go on talking about what others do in your essay?
But finally, at the University of Pennsylvania, the future is definitively emphasized from freshmen year, not for the first time at a job interview three years later as is so often the case
Isn't your degree a four-years one?
Though your essay tells a lot about your genuine interest in UPenn, its colossal length kills!! Since its not a story, they might find it boring. Trim it down at least by a third to make it crisp and impactful.
For instance, you could well capture the essense of the last para in 4-5 lines.
Wanderer_x
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "never met my grandfather" - Stanford Short Response- intellectual vitality [13]
mayble "handwriting was not always legible to follow" would suffice
mayble "handwriting was not always legible to follow" would suffice
Wanderer_x
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How can you answer the what you can contribute to upenn supplement [16]
emphasize on
Even without this paragraph, your essay will be all the same. You state your views about your culture and religion clearly in the last paragraph.
openness and the need to emphasize chemistry that
emphasize on
But even if I could see shade of promise in the future, my eyes [...] Was this was college does to you?
Even without this paragraph, your essay will be all the same. You state your views about your culture and religion clearly in the last paragraph.
Wanderer_x
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Leadership, knowledge, creativity - Brandeis University Supplement [13]
"crave for" is the right phrase.
Its good indeed!
If you are willing to check my Brandeis supplement, I will post it here itself.
knowledge I hunger for
"crave for" is the right phrase.
Its good indeed!
If you are willing to check my Brandeis supplement, I will post it here itself.
Wanderer_x
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Leadership, knowledge, creativity - Brandeis University Supplement [13]
thnx!!
This is mine:
Biology intrigued me since my early days. My interest intensified into my passion when cancer struck my family like a bolt of lightening. My grandpa, my aunt and her daughter( my first cousin) all died from different froms of cancer within last three years. When I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from intestinal cancer, her daughter died from stomach cancer. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of ovarian cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying his full strength.
As a biology student, I apply to Brandeis University beacuse of the excellent reseach opportunites out there which will help me better appreciate the beauty I see in the study of biology. Through the help of excellent faculty and independent reseach projects like BIOL 93 and BIOL 99 at Brandeis, I wish to learn in depth about Molecular and Cell biology. I aim to possess the core understanding of the basic form of life: cell. And through its understanding, I wish to work in the field of cancer research. I believe that Brandeis will challenge me intellectually in ways other colleges can not. Besides, I will not have to worry about my life at a place where people like me gather from different corners of the world with mind full of curiosity and heart full of passion.
thnx!!
This is mine:
Biology intrigued me since my early days. My interest intensified into my passion when cancer struck my family like a bolt of lightening. My grandpa, my aunt and her daughter( my first cousin) all died from different froms of cancer within last three years. When I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from intestinal cancer, her daughter died from stomach cancer. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of ovarian cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying his full strength.
As a biology student, I apply to Brandeis University beacuse of the excellent reseach opportunites out there which will help me better appreciate the beauty I see in the study of biology. Through the help of excellent faculty and independent reseach projects like BIOL 93 and BIOL 99 at Brandeis, I wish to learn in depth about Molecular and Cell biology. I aim to possess the core understanding of the basic form of life: cell. And through its understanding, I wish to work in the field of cancer research. I believe that Brandeis will challenge me intellectually in ways other colleges can not. Besides, I will not have to worry about my life at a place where people like me gather from different corners of the world with mind full of curiosity and heart full of passion.
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / What would you research about and why...my supplement.. [5]
This is my supplement to Bard prompt. Here, I am trying to be really objective. Also I wish to know if I convey my genuine interest on cancer research properly or not. Your help will be really appreciated. Also I will return the favor if possible.
If you were given a grant to research a scientific or medical issue that you deem important to the world, what would it be, why did you choose it, and what kind of research do you think has the greatest chance of being productive?
In past three years, I have seen three deaths due to cancer in my family. My grandpa, my aunt and my first cousin, all died from different froms of cancer. As I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from ovarian carcinoma, her daughter died from adenocarcinoma. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of uterine cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying its full strength.
Cancer does not just kill, it kills brutally. Having spent days and nights in cancer hospital, I have seen hundreds of patients hopelessly struggle just to survive few more days. So, as a biology student, I am determined to work in the field of cancer research. If given a grant, I would choose oncogenomics, cancer genomics in simple words, to carry out my research.
This field is relatively new and less researched. Since cancer originates genetically through DNA mutation caused by various mutagens, further reseach on oncogenomics may provide new insights on cancer diagnosis and therapies. It has not been more than twenty years since oncogenomics came into existence. After the completion of Human Genome Project, researches on oncogenomics came into prominence. Its success so far has been laudable. Trastuzumab(monoclonal antibody developed through oncogenomics) has made a significant impact in the treatment of HER2-positive metastatic breast cancer. Development of Imatinib (a drug commonly known as magic bullet) has opened new doors to the treatment of chronic leukemia. Researches in oncogenomics has added a whole new dimension to the diagnosis and treatment of cancer. If given an opportunity in future, I will definitely base my research on oncogenomics after sufficient study regarding this field.
As a researcher, I would not just possess knowledge and skill but would also have immense faith in my project. My research would aim upon the study and development of cancer-related drugs that can be easily accessible to the general population. The alarming increase in deaths caused by cancer every year further investments in cancer research. Though a research may not always yield desired results, I believe that no research ever goes wasted. As Thomas Edison once said "Every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward to success."
This is my supplement to Bard prompt. Here, I am trying to be really objective. Also I wish to know if I convey my genuine interest on cancer research properly or not. Your help will be really appreciated. Also I will return the favor if possible.
If you were given a grant to research a scientific or medical issue that you deem important to the world, what would it be, why did you choose it, and what kind of research do you think has the greatest chance of being productive?
In past three years, I have seen three deaths due to cancer in my family. My grandpa, my aunt and my first cousin, all died from different froms of cancer. As I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from ovarian carcinoma, her daughter died from adenocarcinoma. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of uterine cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying its full strength.
Cancer does not just kill, it kills brutally. Having spent days and nights in cancer hospital, I have seen hundreds of patients hopelessly struggle just to survive few more days. So, as a biology student, I am determined to work in the field of cancer research. If given a grant, I would choose oncogenomics, cancer genomics in simple words, to carry out my research.
This field is relatively new and less researched. Since cancer originates genetically through DNA mutation caused by various mutagens, further reseach on oncogenomics may provide new insights on cancer diagnosis and therapies. It has not been more than twenty years since oncogenomics came into existence. After the completion of Human Genome Project, researches on oncogenomics came into prominence. Its success so far has been laudable. Trastuzumab(monoclonal antibody developed through oncogenomics) has made a significant impact in the treatment of HER2-positive metastatic breast cancer. Development of Imatinib (a drug commonly known as magic bullet) has opened new doors to the treatment of chronic leukemia. Researches in oncogenomics has added a whole new dimension to the diagnosis and treatment of cancer. If given an opportunity in future, I will definitely base my research on oncogenomics after sufficient study regarding this field.
As a researcher, I would not just possess knowledge and skill but would also have immense faith in my project. My research would aim upon the study and development of cancer-related drugs that can be easily accessible to the general population. The alarming increase in deaths caused by cancer every year further investments in cancer research. Though a research may not always yield desired results, I believe that no research ever goes wasted. As Thomas Edison once said "Every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward to success."
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Sandalwood Keychains [3]
You have a good commnand in your writing. However, I think your essay does not address the prompt clearly.
"How will a Notre Dame education enable you to answer..", you have not answered this part at all.
Your essay sounds sincere, but somewhat amateurish.
Hope I am clear.
Will you take a look at my supp?
You have a good commnand in your writing. However, I think your essay does not address the prompt clearly.
"How will a Notre Dame education enable you to answer..", you have not answered this part at all.
Your essay sounds sincere, but somewhat amateurish.
Hope I am clear.
Will you take a look at my supp?
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Being in a book club - only 150 words =) [5]
In place of "members and I", we should suffice. Or better "As we bring forth our ideas and interpretations of the novel, different perspectives are assimilated."
I still find the last part somewhat akwardly worded.
Rest is good.
Will you help me with my Bard supp? I m afraid its a bit longer.
As the members and I share our conceptions, different perspectives of the novel are assimilated
In place of "members and I", we should suffice. Or better "As we bring forth our ideas and interpretations of the novel, different perspectives are assimilated."
I still find the last part somewhat akwardly worded.
Rest is good.
Will you help me with my Bard supp? I m afraid its a bit longer.
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "S.T.O.P." - Brown University - Best piece of advice you've ever been given? [8]
"It is useful to those that are short-tempered and arrogant."
Arrogant is a very strong adjective. Its risky boss! Either delete it or come up with something less strong.
his highest potential
avoid such heavy words. Adcom may think that you took a lot of help from thesaurus.
And I din't quite get the full form of STOP itself!
"It is useful to those that are short-tempered and arrogant."
Arrogant is a very strong adjective. Its risky boss! Either delete it or come up with something less strong.
But one has to know how to use this advice in order to achieve its highest potential.
his highest potential
quandaries or predicaments
avoid such heavy words. Adcom may think that you took a lot of help from thesaurus.
And I din't quite get the full form of STOP itself!
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]
I m acutally heartbroken. Your essay shares some stark resemblance with mine as well. :`(
I liked your essay though. The pharse "naturally engineered brillance" did attract my attention. Good!
I m acutally heartbroken. Your essay shares some stark resemblance with mine as well. :`(
I liked your essay though. The pharse "naturally engineered brillance" did attract my attention. Good!
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / IM A BIG GIRL -Boston university essay [9]
Lovely!
I would recommend you cut down few "big" and "creative". After a while, the tone gets monotonous if you freuently repeat some words.
that was a bit overdose of creativity.
Well, with no offense, to me it sounds little pretentious.
"the friendliest person" or "friendship freak" would sound more obvious.
Rest is amazing.
Check out mine if you have time :)
Lovely!
I would recommend you cut down few "big" and "creative". After a while, the tone gets monotonous if you freuently repeat some words.
like creative art, creative writing, creative thought, creative clothing, creative music, creative things.
that was a bit overdose of creativity.
I remember when my middle school English teacher told me that I was as creative as Leonardo DaVinci, and everyone in my class agreed.
Well, with no offense, to me it sounds little pretentious.
, so my friends have often termed me as "the friendly person"
"the friendliest person" or "friendship freak" would sound more obvious.
Rest is amazing.
Check out mine if you have time :)
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Red, my favorite color" - Common App Essay Draft- Needs critiquing [7]
Amazing work!
This is one long sentence. You can break it into three sentences. After aesthetics, comma, not semi-colon. After purple, fullstop. After orange, another fullstop. That way, your ideas will be easier to follow.
I'd love if you'd review my commonapp essay.
Amazing work!
So, while a favorite color may be a predisposition to aesthetics; one may prefer the cheery brightness of yellow to the solemn tranquility of purple, and another may prefer that same solemn tranquility to the scathing scorch of orange, "favorite" colors can be derived from the specific qualities of a person, whether they are based on physicality (deep blue eyes or dark brown skin) or personality (a lighthearted, cheery "yellow" disposition).
This is one long sentence. You can break it into three sentences. After aesthetics, comma, not semi-colon. After purple, fullstop. After orange, another fullstop. That way, your ideas will be easier to follow.
I'd love if you'd review my commonapp essay.
Wanderer_x
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for Harvard, Yale, Stanford - What impression do you get? Is it arrogant? [14]
I like your essay. Nice flow. I can get a good picture of you through your lines.
This line makes you seem like you don't like your nationality. My suggestion would be " I aspire to be an American, not literally, but in terms of thoughts, values and spirit."
Would you check one of mine?
I like your essay. Nice flow. I can get a good picture of you through your lines.
I aspire to be an American.
This line makes you seem like you don't like your nationality. My suggestion would be " I aspire to be an American, not literally, but in terms of thoughts, values and spirit."
Would you check one of mine?
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / supplement: why Stanford? can i talk about something abstract ? [7]
To me, the whole structure of your response does not click. More than abstract, it is unclear.
To me, the whole structure of your response does not click. More than abstract, it is unclear.
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay... [13]
I'd love some more comments. This is my edited version. I tried to take in account everyone's comment. However, I did not want to lose my essence and so stuck to few points.
srandhawa: Thanks for your elaborate comment. But for now, I am really finding it difficult to come up with new ideas. Maybe, I ll try to do that for Jan15 deadline.
I'd love some more comments. This is my edited version. I tried to take in account everyone's comment. However, I did not want to lose my essence and so stuck to few points.
srandhawa: Thanks for your elaborate comment. But for now, I am really finding it difficult to come up with new ideas. Maybe, I ll try to do that for Jan15 deadline.
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]
Thanks everyone! This is best I can come up with. Due to word limits, I could not elaborate on the last part much. Some more reviews and comments would be really helpful.
Thanks everyone! This is best I can come up with. Due to word limits, I could not elaborate on the last part much. Some more reviews and comments would be really helpful.
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]
... I spent the next five minutes committing it to my memory.I can not say I had a particularly good reason for doing thisawkwardly worded "I did not have any significant reason for doing so ; the disease was ...
To me, it is abstractwell, "abstract" is a really (...) word or delete it and beautiful.
... she went to the hospital, Iwould ardently dig out my crayons / ardently dug out my.. and glitter and masterfully crafted a beautiful "get well soon" card.
... visits became more frequent, it became evident to me/ you ve just used "became" a word before I realized that she ...
Thus, at the age of seven I realized Even at the early age of seven, I knew only one thing could make my aunt better: medicine. I decided that when I grewwould grow up, I would discover (...) cure would be my dear Aunt Barbara.
... but as a source of life andthus beauty. Undoubtedly, that is why I fell in love with it. Its The beauty of medicine resonated s from the fact that it was is the science of humanity. Medicine retained the ability in itself to save my aunt's life.this sentence is not quite clear Although my aunt passed away years ago, my dream has not. My passion is all the more stregnthened the beauty I see. Something is really wrong with this line!
Hope I helped!
Thanks for your comments. Please help me once more:
... I spent the next five minutes committing it to my memory.
To me, it is abstractwell, "abstract" is a really (...) word or delete it and beautiful.
... she went to the hospital, I
... visits became more frequent, it became evident to me/ you ve just used "became" a word before I realized that she ...
... but as a source of life and
Hope I helped!
Thanks for your comments. Please help me once more:
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Something important about me - Strange Supplement for College of William & Mary. [10]
Strange and funny. I like your essay the way it is.
That sounds a bit rude. Maybe use "I don't mind."
Good Luck!
If you have can spare few minutes, please review mine:
Strange and funny. I like your essay the way it is.
I shall call them lifeless.
That sounds a bit rude. Maybe use "I don't mind."
Good Luck!
If you have can spare few minutes, please review mine:
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'It was love at first strum' - Common App Short Answer: the ukulele [4]
I sense a bit of structural problem. My suggestion : "I believe that there are endless possibilities in life."
Well written indeed! Nice conclusion.
If you can spare few minutes, please help me with my supplement:
I like to think that in my life, there are endless possibilities.
I sense a bit of structural problem. My suggestion : "I believe that there are endless possibilities in life."
Well written indeed! Nice conclusion.
If you can spare few minutes, please help me with my supplement:
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]
Hope that helped.
I liked your haiku. But I think your poem has problem with tense. You switch from present tense to past. ????
Rest is good!
If you have a little more time:
Beautiful, dirty, rich, as well as intelligent and talented, Stefani Germanotta, better known as Lady Gaga, is someone I would love to spend a day in The Big Apple with. Quirky and queer, we would bond at one of New York City's many karaoke bars singing to our favorite tunes from the classics by Queen to the hits from ofthe late Michael Jackson. Spending a day with this especially eccentric individual lady would teach me(ain't you daring)would inspire me further to be fearlessly daring, a mindset important for any artist to have a quality an artist must possess.
Hope that helped.
I liked your haiku. But I think your poem has problem with tense. You switch from present tense to past. ????
Rest is good!
If you have a little more time:
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]
Read your tweaked version carefully once. There are some silly grammatical and spelling errors.
like I did not "have" a particularly sig...,my (space) memory, resonateds, mreover
Oh Sorry I forgot to mention, your response is fine(can be better). Right now, I m reading your commonapp essay which I am finding really interesting!!
Read your tweaked version carefully once. There are some silly grammatical and spelling errors.
like I did not "have" a particularly sig...,my (space) memory, resonateds, mreover
Oh Sorry I forgot to mention, your response is fine(can be better). Right now, I m reading your commonapp essay which I am finding really interesting!!
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]
came second nationwide in
Yep, this does get lost.
That was just my version. You don't need to agree :)
Interesting!!! I enjoyed this one. All I can say is GOOD LUCK!
If you got time, please check my last supp:
I had read that Oprah Winfrey came in second in the nation in d
came second nationwide in
Furthermore, it truly could not erase all the things that I had achieved because I saw myself doing them. Does this point get lost?
Yep, this does get lost.
Although I did consider for a while that "the bigger my dream gets, the harder shall it will fall", I later realized that "the bigger my dream gets, the farther shall I reach."
That was just my version. You don't need to agree :)
Interesting!!! I enjoyed this one. All I can say is GOOD LUCK!
If you got time, please check my last supp:
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]
Actually, since your commonapp essay is really strong, this can serve as a decent backdrop. You don't really need to worry. :)
Also, have you, by chance, read Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coehlo? The whole kissing episode of your essay seemed strikingly similar to an episode of that novel.
Actually, since your commonapp essay is really strong, this can serve as a decent backdrop. You don't really need to worry. :)
Also, have you, by chance, read Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coehlo? The whole kissing episode of your essay seemed strikingly similar to an episode of that novel.
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / What would you research about and why...my supplement.. [5]
thanks twizzlestraw! I found your suggestions really to the point and very helpful. Since the deadline for Bard in JAn 15, I will work on it later. I ll definitely keep all your suggestions in my mind while reworking on it.
thanks twizzlestraw! I found your suggestions really to the point and very helpful. Since the deadline for Bard in JAn 15, I will work on it later. I ll definitely keep all your suggestions in my mind while reworking on it.
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]
Sorry I am not really being clear. Your essay is technically perfect with sound content. The only thing is that its not outstanding like your commonapp essay. Perhaps I have read and written about such things like "medicine cures, science is beautiful" too many times. So, to me, they don't sound much original. Still, your essay complements your personal statement well. So, don't panic!
Sorry I am not really being clear. Your essay is technically perfect with sound content. The only thing is that its not outstanding like your commonapp essay. Perhaps I have read and written about such things like "medicine cures, science is beautiful" too many times. So, to me, they don't sound much original. Still, your essay complements your personal statement well. So, don't panic!
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]
wonders or wondered?
I sense something wrong out here. Are you trying to say "Into allshe that she did she put her soul"
When some days she felt inspired,
Wonders upon her canvas transpired.
Wonders upon her canvas transpired.
wonders or wondered?
Into all she that she did she put her soul,
I sense something wrong out here. Are you trying to say "Into all
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay---Intellectual Experience. Failure is the new Success. [9]
Amazing!!!
Sorry, no criticisms. Your essay is just superb!
I am wondering why you din't get into Brown in ED. :)
(Do you really have 3 kidneys???)
If you have time please read my commonapp essay
Amazing!!!
Sorry, no criticisms. Your essay is just superb!
I am wondering why you din't get into Brown in ED. :)
(Do you really have 3 kidneys???)
If you have time please read my commonapp essay
Wanderer_x
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I had been overwhelmed' - LAB EXPERIENCES AND TRANQUILITY [4]
Its evident that you have a strong command over your writing.
But I find your essay difficult to follow. You don't use heavy words as such but the way you arrange them makes your sentences a bit cryptic. I find your essay quite abstract (I don't know if that's your deliberate intention.)
Or maybe I am not able enough to comprehend your essay.
Its evident that you have a strong command over your writing.
But I find your essay difficult to follow. You don't use heavy words as such but the way you arrange them makes your sentences a bit cryptic. I find your essay quite abstract (I don't know if that's your deliberate intention.)
Or maybe I am not able enough to comprehend your essay.
Wanderer_x
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]
I know now am aware that life won't will not always work out the way I plan, but I will not stop dreaming big still not stop to dream big, working work relentlessly to fulfill my dreams, and appreciate the ones that do come true.
Wanderer_x
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / 'I had been overwhelmed' - LAB EXPERIENCES AND TRANQUILITY [4]
Yes, I get your point. For an IVY league coll, this essay will surely catch the attention of the adcom. They might love it, they might hate it. But they will at least read it carefully! :)
Yes, I get your point. For an IVY league coll, this essay will surely catch the attention of the adcom. They might love it, they might hate it. But they will at least read it carefully! :)
Wanderer_x
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]
"Dream a Little Dream"
"Dream Deferred"
I think you should come up with something else(topic I mean) for Jan 15 deadline :)
You neither defer your dreams, nor are they little!...Maybe "Dreams unlimited"..just my opinion
"Dream a Little Dream"
"Dream Deferred"
I think you should come up with something else(topic I mean) for Jan 15 deadline :)
You neither defer your dreams, nor are they little!...Maybe "Dreams unlimited"..just my opinion
Wanderer_x
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / My Common App main Essay - Unsolved mystery of my life [5]
I don't know in which way your essay answers the above prompt. I could not derive much about you through your essay since there is no such personal touch to it.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I don't know in which way your essay answers the above prompt. I could not derive much about you through your essay since there is no such personal touch to it.
Wanderer_x
Jan 5, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]
I think essay is a very convenient form of expression with comparatively less barriers. An essay can be like a story, a prose, a poem or a unique combination of two or more.
I think essay is a very convenient form of expression with comparatively less barriers. An essay can be like a story, a prose, a poem or a unique combination of two or more.
Wanderer_x
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Bard Supplement Essay - Role of non-commercial art in our Society [6]
to the audience
it's too long to follow. You can easily break this sentence into two.
Avoid contractions...weren't: were not
I find your essay a bit like a newspaper article. You seem so detached throughout. You can add about why this art form is important to you, why you particularly you find it interesting and so on.
I don't exactly know what kind of response this Bard supplement demands.
Good Luck!
utter control over all the actions which is visually obvious for the audience.
to the audience
This was the root of all art forms until the age of modernization where artists decided to experiment and shift from the classical customs which seemed like a tired subject but the worthy treat of classic art is that modern art would not exist without the derivation of the ideas from the old style.
it's too long to follow. You can easily break this sentence into two.
Avoid contractions...weren't: were not
I find your essay a bit like a newspaper article. You seem so detached throughout. You can add about why this art form is important to you, why you particularly you find it interesting and so on.
I don't exactly know what kind of response this Bard supplement demands.
Good Luck!
Wanderer_x
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Sticks and Stones) [9]
The guy always used to taunt you and one day, just because you confronted him bravely with a hard-hitting line or two, he changed his entire attitude towards you. IS that what you are trying to say? The transition is not very believable. Things like "heartfelt" part don't ring true. If it did happen, describe it in detail. His exact reaction, what he must have felt at that time, what must have had made him react in such mean way before. Also, you need to reflect more upon the experience as mentioned in the post above.
Overall, you do seem to have a good command over your writing.
The guy always used to taunt you and one day, just because you confronted him bravely with a hard-hitting line or two, he changed his entire attitude towards you. IS that what you are trying to say? The transition is not very believable. Things like "heartfelt" part don't ring true. If it did happen, describe it in detail. His exact reaction, what he must have felt at that time, what must have had made him react in such mean way before. Also, you need to reflect more upon the experience as mentioned in the post above.
Overall, you do seem to have a good command over your writing.
Wanderer_x
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Sticks and Stones) [9]
daniel.. It actually sounds good now(despite few problems in wording)...work on it and you ll have a fine essay.
Also make your point in the first few paragraphs more subtle...something like he tried to demean you in every way possible rather than curse you every time. You can trim down the first part a bit so that you may add some proper reflections about the event and its relevence to you on the last para.
Good Luck!
daniel.. It actually sounds good now(despite few problems in wording)...work on it and you ll have a fine essay.
Also make your point in the first few paragraphs more subtle...something like he tried to demean you in every way possible rather than curse you every time. You can trim down the first part a bit so that you may add some proper reflections about the event and its relevence to you on the last para.
Good Luck!
Wanderer_x
Jan 6, 2010
Book Reports / "The Struggle Of Women in Afghanistan"; "A thousand Splendid Suns" [4]
This would be my version of its thesis if I were to write one:
"In the Thousand Splendid Suns, Mr. Hosseni paints the dreams and aspirations of Afgani women and depicts their plight and resignation in a male dominated setting through a story that spans over two generation."
Though I like the book, I found it a bit melodramatic, like a Bollywood moive.
This would be my version of its thesis if I were to write one:
"In the Thousand Splendid Suns, Mr. Hosseni paints the dreams and aspirations of Afgani women and depicts their plight and resignation in a male dominated setting through a story that spans over two generation."
Though I like the book, I found it a bit melodramatic, like a Bollywood moive.
Wanderer_x
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chicken Curry Sushi" - my common app personal essay [8]
Its definitely a good piece. The way you tell your story is interesting. But at times, it gets out of focus. Also its quite long (must be 1000+ words I suppose). you can do without Ban ki Moon episode. Since you basically talk about things adcom must have read before(in an engaging manner of course), your essay will work better if you trim down a third of it.
Will you review mine:
Its definitely a good piece. The way you tell your story is interesting. But at times, it gets out of focus. Also its quite long (must be 1000+ words I suppose). you can do without Ban ki Moon episode. Since you basically talk about things adcom must have read before(in an engaging manner of course), your essay will work better if you trim down a third of it.
Will you review mine:
