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Posts by diodotusX
Joined: Dec 30, 2009
Last Post: Mar 28, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 19  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 22
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diodotusX   
Mar 28, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Short Answers- Blair Waldorf, poem, "49", and politics. [6]

Actually I think I have to disagree about the line with pennies. If you keep the poem, that line, I think is the strongest. The only comment I have on that line might be to cut "chewed gum". But neglected pennies is a great image.

New York is notorious treatment of the poor, the homeless, the underpriveleged etc. Neglected pennies brings on that image of poverty being neglected amidst insane wealth which also makes up New York. Seeing as how Sarah looks to be a politician, poverty and homelessness would be an issue that she would want to touch upon and "neglected pennies" is fantastic.
diodotusX   
Mar 28, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Short Answers- Blair Waldorf, poem, "49", and politics. [6]

Seeing as how these prompts seem to just scream "Be creative!" I think you should take some more liberties with them. Don't get me wrong, they're not bad responses, it justs seems that if NYU asked prompts like "Write a poem that best represents you" or "Explain the story of your life", they'd want some unusual, quirky answers.

I'm not sure if I can really comment too much on the first prompt seeing as how I don't know who the person is, but I don't think I get much of a sense of who you are. Shopping, dinner, and talking about school...that could be anybody. That could be me. I think the point of this prompt was for you to let the adcomm know who you are through the person you are describing. For example, I plan to study creative writing, possibly dramatic and screenwriting. So I used Charlie Kaufman. This is the response I used...

The day would begin around 7:30 in the evening with Charlie Kaufman - the screenwriter, not the character based on himself. Upon meeting with him, I wouldn't be able to resist making a joke about Donald, his fictional twin in his movie "Adaptation". We'd then grab some dinner at 2nd Avenue Deli before going to a coffee place all night for what I call a "doughnut draw", which involves continuous writing or sketching while buying each other doughnuts and coffee - provided the place has doughnuts.

For the second response - again, creativity seems to be the message. I'm sure you've studied poetry and literature in your English classes. How often when you read a story or a poem does the author explicitly state what they are trying to say? You have to read in between the lines, analyze, theorize etc., In doing so, you probably get a better sense of who the author is, what the the author is like, than if he/she said it outright in the work. Authors who tend to say exactly what they are trying to...usually aren't good writers. This is the poem I used. Oddly enough, I decided to do a haiku though I never liked them much....I was running low on time lol.

Light pitter patter
Ink, blood, soul dance on a page.
Rain, a marbles game.

Those are some big goals there! And it's great that you have them...but at the same time it sounds like something anyone would write. It wouldn't stay in my memory for too long; everybody's mothers told them they would be president some day. And again, sounds like your being too blunt. Bigotry, sexism, threats to the family....Personally, it doesn't sound like a movie I would want to watch because movies don't state everything that's going to happen. They hint at it, maybe state something cryptic, but they leave you wondering what's going to happen, what could possibly happen, etc., This isn't the one I ended up using because it was a bit too long, but I used the same exact idea, just cut down on the sentences and words to make it fit.

Down-and-out aspiring writer Andrew Ho has found that he can rewrite his memories. Despite having met with critical success from his peers in his writer's group, he feels alone and is constantly plagued by insecurities, writer's block and a sense of emptiness and meaninglessness. While struggling to write his next manuscript, he stumbles upon an old, blank journal behind his desk and begins writing into it a fictional autobiography of his life the way he's always wanted to live it. He is stunned to discover that he is altering actual memories and begins to lose a sense of himself as he wanders through his changing memories, reliving life multiple ways. "Mnemosyne" is a story of a young man growing up, maturing and coming to terms with himself as he rediscovers his passion to become a writer and understand the person he really is.

I'd say the last one's pretty good because that's the only one where you get to state exactly what you want to do. I suppose I might as well put mine up too.

NYU first came to my attention when I discovered that my close friend and Creative Writing teacher, Jeremy Lum, had attended NYU. He studied film and dramatic writing, and while I do have deep interests in film and theater, I plan to study English and Creative Writing through Gallatin. Having been a part of a writer's group with Jeremy and other writers, I am most looking forward to being able to share my works with others at NYU who also endeavor in the craft of writing.

I don't know how much credibility I have, but I did get accepted to NYU (got my acceptance a few days ago!) Best of luck to you and I hope I helped, even if just a little.

One last thing though....isn't it kinda late to be sending in an application?
diodotusX   
Mar 24, 2010
Poetry / Idle musings of a museless idler. [2]

Thoughts on it?

i never really liked
grapefruits.
they were always so
bitter and
sour and
sometimes when i bit too hard
my eyes would sting

i used to eat them
when i was
small.
my mom would make
them for me for breakfast
my dad too before
he left for work

I Hated Grapefruits

but my dad would
always
make me eat one before
i left for school
and i guess
they weren't so bad
but only when you put
some sugar on it
so it wasn't
so bitter
but my dad would always
get the sugar first.
he was my dad after all.
and then he would use all of the sugar up every last bit of it in his grapefruit and then i'd be too
embarrassed to get more.
and he made sure
i would still eat my grapefruit.

even after i left for good
and decided to become a poet but not an engineer.

ever have one of those days when you just don't know?
...yeah...ah well. so thoughts?
diodotusX   
Mar 19, 2010
Writing Feedback / "What is love?" - It's the beauty of a rose, yet often vile as her thorns [7]

Well...all I can say is write more, I guess. No, I don't guess, haha. Consciously try to improve your writing the next time you write a paper. I mean, the notes I gave here aren't anything you shouldn't already know. You're taught how to write a 5-paragraph essay (the correct way) in your freshman year of high school, right? Wait...what year in high school are you? Assuming that you are, of course, in high school lol...I'm a senior myself.
diodotusX   
Mar 19, 2010
Writing Feedback / "What is love?" - It's the beauty of a rose, yet often vile as her thorns [7]

Some quick notes...
Also, I'm going to be harsh on notes. However, I'll give praise where it is due.

I am assuming that this is a formal essay, and that it is a 5-paragraph essay. The biggest note I will give is that you should practice writing the "standard" 5-paragraph essay. That is:

Intro: Funnel. Meaning, you start with a broad statement (this is the hook. Remember, MAKE IT INTERESTING) or a quotation, and then make the subsequent statements relate to your quotation or statement. These statements get more and more specific until you end with your thesis statement that will govern the rest of your paper.

Body Paragraphs: Start with your TS. The TS must relate to your thesis statement. The TS is essentially a thesis statement, but only for that paragraph. You should also have clear evidence in your body paragraphs to support your argument. Given what the topic of this paper was, that might be a bit difficult...but you could have cited from literature. Love and death are the most written about topics in all of literature (and yet, you used the most cliche example at the end...). You would have found something good.

Conclusion: Begin with a re-statement of the thesis (not word for word). The conclusion is an "inverted funnel", meaning your subsequent sentences get more and more broad, such that the last statement is big and thought provoking, making the reader think more on your essay and feel satisfied.

Well, there was more I could say...but this is enough I think. I hope it helped.
diodotusX   
Feb 3, 2010
Essays / Teaching method. AP English (Literature & Composition) Class Questions [10]

I'm in an AP Lit course right now also.

To be honest, at first I didn't think my teacher taught much at all because the more I thought about the class, the more I realized he never really lectured. Instead, he taught the class socratically. He would assign some reading, either a short story or a poem and we would come in the next day, immediately break into small group discussions, discuss the story/poem and answer some questions he might have up and then we'd all convene together as a class at the end and spend the remaining time discussing what we all came to a conclusion of. Anything we seemed to miss, he would fill in. Otherwise, I guess we really just taught ourselves, while he was there to guide us in the right directions. I think it's a great class and very fast paced. These are the works we've read/will read-

First Semester:
Large works (Novels/Plays)
The God of Small Things
The House of the Spirits
Catch 22
Waiting for Godot
King Lear

Short Stories:
"The Interpreter of Maladies" by Jhumpa Lahiri
"The Man With Enormous Wings" by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez
"The Garden of Forking Paths" by Jorge Louis Borges
"Happy Endings" by Margaret Atwood
"Everything That Rises Must Converge" by Flannery O'Connor
"A Conversation With My Father" by Grace Paley
"The Dead" by James Joyce

Poems (can't really remember the titles for some of them...)
Various Poems by Neruda
"Love Poem" by Linda Pastan
Poetry by Ali
"Indian Movie, New Jersey" by Divakaruni
"Parsley" by Rita Dove
Poetry by Sylvia Plath
Meta-fictional poetry by Ishamel Reed, Collins, and MacLeish
"The Death of the Ball-Turret Gunner" by Randall Jarrel
Poetry by Lovelace
Poetry by Owen
By Auden
By Olds
By Henry Reed
"Journey of the Magi" by T.S Eliot
Poetry by Levertov

Movies:
Adaptation

We had 4 papers over the course of the semester, 1 debate per group, 2 exams, and various reading quizzes

Second Semester (going to read):

Large Works:
Crime and Punishment
Antigone
The Importance of Being Earnest
Wit
Fences
Beloved
Dutchman
Palace Walk

Short Stories by:
Chekhov
Turgenev
Baldwin
Gordimer
Lawrence
Mukherjee
Tan

Poems by:
Marvel
Milton
Heaney
Smith
Forst
Szymborska
Troupe
Collins
Hayden
Harper

Movies:
Decalogue
And another 4 papers, debate/presentation, exams, and quizzes. It's a pretty amazing class. Although hard to keep up with because of all the reading. I also take a Joyce Seminar Honors class and a Shakespeare class all at the same time. Reading Hamlet, Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man, Ulysses and Crime and Punishment ain't easy, but a damn amazing experience...the papers start piling up after a while though...

So what do other people in English classes, AP or not, read? I'm really curious
diodotusX   
Feb 3, 2010
Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

The white lights are blinding my eyes. The blood is rushing through my vessels, and my heart is hitting my chest fast. Emotions have conquered me all, though my brain is totally concentrated . I am standing behind a white line, wearing a red t-shirt. What I am holding in my sweaty, warm hands is cold, putting me in trembles. My eyes are intensely looking to the way it is revolving and revolving on my palm. The brisk rotation blends the colors, creating a sphere neither blue nor yellow, like a little shiny sun radiating its power. My fingers feel its inner pressure pressing my cells. The whistle blows. I hesitate for a moment, I am stuck. Then instinctively my hand throws the ball in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, starting the volleyball championship final.

So this whole first paragraph takes way too long to get to the point. You get so caught up in trying to describe what goes on...that you don't really describe what is going on. So I definitely agree with Kevin's post. Brevity can often do wonders. There is also an issue with the tenses you use. It's always something[i]is doing[i] rather than something [i]does[i] which i feel just makes it seem to drag on even longer. I don't feel that sense of excitement or anticipation or nervousness. A simple change of tenses can easily make it happen. Also, lay off on some of the modifiers. Ironically enough, the more and more you describe something, the less you actually describe it.

Here is the first paragraph corrected (or corrected the way I feel it should, you don't have to take my advice or agree with me because ultimately you are the author):

The white lights blind my eyes. The blood rushes through my vessels, and my heart hits fast against my chest. I stand behind a white line, wearing a red t-shirt. The light, blue sphere I hold in my hands shimmers with the sweat of my skin, cold and warm. Cold and warm. Trembling. My eyes see it revolve within the crevice of my palm, the rotation intense and brisk. It is the sun, neither blue nor yellow, but blending as it rotates furiously.

The whistle blows. And I hesitate.
But then my hand throws it in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, signaling the start of the volleyball championship finals.

Ok...I admit, it's a bit more than a "correction" since it really varies from what you wrote, but I think you get a better sense of nervousness, of anticipation. So you get the idea, I hope.

That's really all I can say about the work. Get to the point quicker. Don't waste time with needless describing when you can describe through action. And since it's a volleyball game, that shouldn't be too difficult. I'm not saying you can't use modifiers at all, but do it sparingly and at points that are most crucial to the theme of the work or the message you are trying to get across because those would be the most important moments. There are also many moments of awkward phrasing that I feel comes out of some desire to sound "eloquent". Just write naturally. Don't try to make your sentences sound too complicated for the sake of having them sound complicated. Or using "sophisticated" words for the sake of letting the reader know you have a bit vocabulary. If it sounds like it fits and it flows well, then go ahead and keep it.

Final comment: Try and ply with a narrative style that would be appropriate to the work. It sounds too...expository. Too blunt. Too "this happened and then I did this and then this happened." Play with the words, with their sounds, with the sentence structures.

For example: You can write a long, winding description of a moment, a single, crucial moment meant to capture the heart of the reader, to hold him -or her- in the reality of the story, to let them believe that this is really happening, to render from them a true moment of terror or pity - or to render a moment of relation with the work that surpasses the bounds of just the story in order to create a single, euphoric moment of realization and epiphany. And follow with a short sentence. See how much weight that last sentence took on as a result of the previous sentence? Try playing with styles like that. Maybe you can mimic your favorite author, discover how he or she tends to write and play with that. It'll improve your writing greatly, I guarantee it.

Have fun, and good work.

diodotusX   
Jan 23, 2010
Undergraduate / a piece of architecture- Sydney Opera House [9]

Sorry, I agree I did get carried away. BUT look at the link in the post above yours comparing Wikipedia's article to this one. a9961m went to the liberty of comparing the essay sentence by sentence. It's plagiarized.
diodotusX   
Jan 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Is it not in my best interest to write "why this college" as a topic of choice? [6]

Well, first of all, the commonapp essay goes to EVERY college you're applying to (hence, "common" app) so it wouldn't make sense to to write an essay that is specific to one college. And second, I would just stick with one of the prompts they give you, unless you have and idea that is totally and completely unique and can't be touched upon through one of the other prompts. In any case, most colleges have a sort of "why are you applying to this college" prompt as their supplemental essay anyway, so you'd have to focus your commonapp essay on something different. And don't write an essay on why you want to go to college in general because i'm assuming you want to go to college to pursue some higher knowledge, to define your own identity, to discover some new meaning to your life, to find some sort of path to the truth, to forge within the smithy of your soul the uncreated conscience of your race, etc, (well maybe not that last one).

So, in short, it would not be in your best interest to write a "why you want to go this college" sort of essay. Try writing something engaging and interesting that will capture the soul of the reader in beauteous rapture. Something like that.
diodotusX   
Jan 20, 2010
Undergraduate / a piece of architecture- Sydney Opera House [9]

I'd be glad to correct and comment on your essays...but they first have to be YOUR essay. This is definitely stolen from Wikipedia. Don't think you're clever because you didn't steal whole chunks or paragraphs at once or that you can get away with plagiarizing by changing just a word or two in a sentence. I went through the Wikipedia article and found the exact same words sentences that you have here.

So cut this...
REMOVED BY KEVIN
let's not get carried away.

diodotusX   
Jan 19, 2010
Research Papers / Need help finishing up my Thesis for Global Warming. [2]

Grammatical errors and awkward phrasing aside, you need to come up with a thesis BEFORE you write your intro. If you haven't written many papers before, this will be a huge help. You need to establish what you are trying to prove before anything else you write. In any case, the intro isn't very good anyway.

So, thesis. You need to figure out what you are trying to PROVE. You said your topic was on global warming, or the myths and facts revolving around it. You need to narrow it down. A thesis cannot be "There are myths and facts about global warming and they are: etc., etc., etc.," You can do something like "Myths regarding global warming are in fact, a reality." and set out to prove that. "Global warming is a direct cause of human interaction with the environment." is another example. I don't much about your paper so these are very mundane topics, one that I would not have fun writing 15 pages on. But they are examples of thesis statements and can be supported with evidence. You know you have a thesis when you can ask yourself: "Can I show that this is true?" and respond "yes" to it.

Once you have your thesis: OUTLINE OUTLINE OUTLINE. Even if you're low on time, outlining will make writing the paper much easier. It'll write itself once you outline it. So how do you outline? Make sure you have topics relevant in proving your thesis. These topics will be the crux of your essay. If it's 15 pages long, I suggest maybe 4 big points to focus on. Write a topic statement regarding each of your points. This is essentially a thesis for your point. Each point should take up a few paragraphs to prove (I suggest 2-3 paragraphs per point) Once you have your topic statements, go and find concrete details to support it. By concrete details, I mean EVIDENCE. Quote from sources. a 15-page paper would require a good amount of sources. Don't rely on just a couple, but don't quote from too many. Once each topic statement is thoroughly supported with evidence, you are ready to start writing. All you have to do now is fill in with commentary or supporting sentences that are relevant to the concrete details and topic. The commentary should shed light upon the concrete details or explain the evidence.

If at some point you realize that your body paragraphs or your topic sentences don't really prove what your thesis statement is saying DON'T START NEW TOPICS OR PARAGRAPHS. Instead, rework your thesis statement to fit your topic statements. Why change whole paragrpahs when you change a couple sentences? This is going to happen frequently, especially if you're short on time. You'll start jumping around on topics and realize they don't match up with your thesis. As long as your topic sentences relate with each other, you can change your thesis to match them.

Once you are finally done writing those body paragraphs, write your conclusion. The conclusion will somewhat re-state your thesis (not word for word of course) to remind the reader what you have just proven. Afterwards, conclude the essay with some words on why the reader just spent a good chunk of time reading the paper. Why is it relevant to them? Why should they give a fuck?

After you have written the conclusion, write the introduction. Begin with a sentence that grabs the interest RIGHT OFF THE BAT. It doesn't necessarily have to completely relate with the essay. The first sentence NEEDS to be interesting. The few sentences after that first sentence will be more relevant to your reader and slowly transition into the topic of the paper.

This is ALOT to consider when you are writing a formal paper. It is highly structured and takes a good amount of thought. I honestly don't know how you're going to write 15 pages in 9 hours without making it complete bullshit...I mean, I need to spend a good couple days reading up on my sources an understanding what I'm writing about before I write it. I might have just told you what you already know, but hey not much I can do since you don't have much written.

My advice for a thesis: Go read some articles or books on global warming. That should give you an idea on what you want to prove.
diodotusX   
Jan 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but was this your possible train of thought (or something similar) when you conceived this essay:

"Hmm, alright let's tackle this commonapp essay. Damn...activities...none really worth mentioning or any I really care about...well, maybe writing. Yeah, okay that might work. I like to write, it'd be something I like to do later. So I guess I'll just do that. But I can't write about writing...that's...well, that's boring. What am I supposed to say? 'I like sitting down, picking up a pen and putting it to paper?' No, that won't work...But what if I write about something that I know no one else is going to write about, something I can expand infinitely upon, and write it in such a way that through the prose itself, I can show personality, creativity, independent and mature thought, wit, humor, and a talent for writing? That's perfect! It's ingenious! No one would ever think of that!...But what to write about? Hmm...well...what do I have going for me...I'm in high school...I'm a senior...I'm an adolescent male bursting with gonadal fury...Aha! GIRLS!"

Unfortunately, you did say something about yourself in this "essay".

Your personality: You sound like the quintessential, immature 17/18 year old male who hasn't yet had any sort of intimate relations with a girl (be they sexual or platonic)

Your personality in terms of your writing (i.e voice, style, etc.): You sound like the quintessential, immature, 17/18 year old male who hasn't yet had any sort of intimate relations with a girl (be thy sexual or platonic)

Creativity: How creative is it to rant about girls (or the lack thereof)? It's the plight of most adolescent guys. Although personally, I don't think most of us seem to obsess as much as you do here, or at least don't express it as much. Seems kind of unhealthy if you ask me. Like i said...gonadal fury.

Independent and mature thought: Uhhm...no. When I talk to a girl, I usually tend to listen to what the're saying. Suprisingly, it often leads to a relationship beyond "milK AND COOkies" (but this is just me. I might be completely off and you might actually be more representative of our sex)

Wit and humor: Actually, yes. It brings to mind an image of a group of 13-year old boys with budding peach fuzz about their faces huddled around each other in the locker rooms looking at their first porno magazine that they managed to steal from their coach; their voices reach a couple octaves as they giggle and joke nervously among themselves.

Talent for creative writing: Who am I to judge what is "good writing", right? Because art is art in it's own sake, right? Well, I still think that there are still those certain ways that words can be juxtaposed to at least sound good. And actually, the essay that you have up there is a pretty darn interesting voice for, say, a character in a story. I say that because upon reading it, I got a sense for the character because there definitely was a voice for it. But this is not a story. It's a college prompt, so the "character" in this essay, would be (presumably) you. I'm not saying you don't have any talent as a writer (because I haven't read of any of your writing besides this), but this isn't the time to show how you write. I'm sorry to say this, but the colleges really are looking for certain kinds of essays. And you have no idea how much this and the college process pisses the crap out of me. But I've found that there are still ways to get around this "formula" essay and portray your own, unique style of writing. Ultimately, they want to see that you can write well and to write something well thought and developed.

I'm going to study creative writing in college also, so I think I have a sense for how you feel about these essay prompts. Trust me, this isn't the time to try and fuck the system. It is a pretty fucked up system, but it's in your best interest to comply for now. Either that, or not go to college, leave the world for a while to develop your writing, go on a spiritual journey in the woods with nothing but a pen and journal to write poetry and stories in, travel across America for a couple years and listen to people speak so you learn how to write genuine dialogue, take copious amounts of hard drugs to combat depression, write stories/poetry off of that, become an alcoholic, and then get depressed again and write about that. Too bad that's kind of already been done. And many times too. Writing is slowly becoming a waning art, and especially in our generatoin but I see going to college as a way to gain access to the centuries of writers before us, which I believe is a neccessity.

Anyway, I've gotten off-topic. My main point is: Go do another essay.
diodotusX   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Wellesley supplement-- women in my country [5]

Comments:

As I read the first line, I was greeted with the hopes of a genuine, interesting and well-written essay. Well, I can say that I think it's well-written. You don't need to worry about that.

What I'm not feeling is a sense of genuineness. I think anybody could have said what you just said, mainly in your second paragraph where you start listing things about the college that they already know. Yeah, you connect it to yourself somewhat, but it's not concrete or specific. The biggest issue is I didn't take away anything from this that told me who you were. It wasn't a [i]memorable[i]essay. What you want to do is to be able to have the adcomm pick out your essay from a mess of others. To be able to have he or she say "Oh yeah, that essay. That's ____'s essay."

Your strong point is the clarity of the sentences and the structuring of the writing. It's good writing. My only comment against it, would be that it lacks a style or voice. It sounds very generic, while being well-written. Again, this can be remedied by using concrete details. Being specific. Bringing yourself into the work. Your personality being the voice of the words and your own experiences (in other words, concrete details) being the strength behind them. You know what I mean?

If your stressed for time and there's not much to make significant changes, I'd go ahead and submit. It'll at least show you can write clearly and can structure your thoughts.

Good stuff.

Best!
Andrew
diodotusX   
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "the first politics woman" - Why Wellesley Essay.. Advice? [6]

It is no coincidence that the first woman to be nominated by a major political party for President of the United States was Wellesley alumna Hillary Rodham Clinton. If I were the adcomm, the thoughts going through my head right now would probably be "Oh, another one of those essays. Using Hilary Clinton isn't necessarily a bad thing (although I wouldn't open with it), but it'd be very difficult to make it work. Right off the bat, it sounds like you're about to list some things that the college is known. In other words, kissing their butt. Neither is it a coincidence that college's female alumnae constitute more than 20% of women in Congress and 30% of Business Week's list of rising women in c orporate America. And that is exactly what I meant. Just as you shouldn't list out your achievements on an essay, you don't need to remind the college of all the wonderful things they have accomplished. They already know. A simple fix could be to use a different, but equally as effective, female to start or even another aspect of feminism, specifically strength and leadership etc., Or you can immediately intrigue the adcomm into reading your essay by starting with something seemingly unassociated with what you are about to talk about, but finding a creative way to transition and tie it into your essay. Because why would you want to continue reading something if from the first line you already know the basic gist of what's about to be said. It's almost like giving away an ending. An example of a very effective first line would be Stephen King's (and I hardly ever use King as examples nowadays. But he used to be good.) essay entitled "Why We Crave Horror Movies". The first line is "I believe we are all mentally insane." Now that's a damn good opening line. Don't you want to continue reading? Now this isn't to say that you should write just any outlandish statement as an intro, but the central idea is there. Begin with something memorable. And end the essay with something memorable also. Let's see if you do (I'm adding comments as I read)No, in reality,Indeed, women contain a special ability ( be specific) that is elicited - awkward word choice by this environment free of gender barriers - I have no clue what you are trying to say here. Do you mean that Wellesley has no gender barriers? Then say something more straightforward. Your phrasing was very awkward and ambiguous. Go for clarity as opposed to an attempt at eloquence. . In an atmosphere where women are encouraged to participate, succeed, and pursue (again, specifics would make this stronger. Something concrete. Pursue what? Succeed in what? , women achieve more than they would have ever been led to believe - awkward . By attending a women's college, I know the dedication to women will strengthen, encourage, and motivate me in all of my endeavors, especially those in math, science, and engineering, more so than in any other environment. To add, not only does Wellesley provide the benefits of a women's college, but also its renowned academics, inspiring faculty with 98% of its members in possession of a Ph.D., resources, opportunities, and the W Network will provide me with the best education I can possibly hope for. - More unnecessary listing. They know all this. End the paragraph with some sort of concluding statement that will make clear what you are writing. Almost like a thesis, eh?

Some sort of a transition would be nice. A sentence to build off of the last and leading into this. Not completely necessary in this case actually. It flows fairly well on its ownMy desire for bringing about change necessitates a university in which the diversity of the world around me is a natural part of daily life. - Good subject and topic for the paragraph. Expand on it Wellesley proves to be the ideal place for me to make connections across disciplines and find a way to introduce them to the world Be more concrete. Otherwise this sentence seems like filler . Wellesley's close proximity to Boston, its encouragement of international and academic variety, and the ample opportunities to study abroad will impel me to become engaged in the real world and make an impact on the city of Boston and the world outside of it. Additionally, as a liberal arts school that provides the opportunity to cross-register with additional research institutions such as MIT and Olin College of Engineering, I will have the chance to thoroughly explore my interest in math and science and build off of what I have learned at Wellesley. With the inadvertent - wrong word choice. Inadvertent means "unintended"...which kind of makes the phrase "inadvertent confidence" somewhat of an oxy-moron. confidence I will develop as one of the many benefits of a women's college, I know that an education from Wellesley will allow me to succeed in such fields far more than an education elsewhere would Oh, really? Then why bother applying anywhere else? Such a superlative statement isn't needed - it's just more kissassery" . A Wellesley education is not solely based on the content of the material presented in the classroom but also the environment in which it is taught. Also, with the school's many resources, I have the opportunity to further investigate the myriad of subjects presented by the core, combined disciplines, and discover new passions that I will pursue at Wellesley, graduate school, and beyond. This paragraph is one big list of what makes Wellesley a college of choice. Even then, it just sounds like any generic college brochure that you've gotten in the mail about this college or that college.

The biggest issue I found with this essay is that there is no concreteness - meaning using examples from your own personality or life or experiences. It almost seems as if you were looking at a brochure for Wellesley as you were writing this essay. It's a list of what makes Wellesley amazing. I don't know anything about you! That's what's most important in this essay. Be memorable.

Other comments:
Needs to conclude.
Technically speaking, grammar and punctuation aren't too much of an issue. Word choice and phrasing here and there, but not too often
Prose is lacking in style and voice.


Overall, I say it's not a bad draft. You have the ideas down. Now you need to put in details - concrete details. Still a couple days left. You can do it!

Good stuff.

Best!
Andrew
diodotusX   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "a further development" - BU supplement Essay [3]

I'm really sorry about being very harsh with this critique, but we're both seniors in high school, you can take it. I don't know if you have enough time at all to make any drastic changes, but you can quickly get all the grammatical changes of which there are many.

Content-wise, it wasn't very engaging or memorable and lacked clear focus and organization. You need concrete details and examples! Sentence structure was also repetitive and didn't sound very confident.

Again, I'm very sorry about being too harsh, but I think should be said. Anyway, you have SOME time left. A little less than an hour. Godspeed. Unless you've already submitted. In that case, good luck.
diodotusX   
Jan 3, 2010
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

No, that just means that the college began processing it (either printed it out or downloaded it into the system). In other words, you sent it into them on time, but it only got into their system on the 2nd. Don't worry, the college will know you submitted on time because it shows the date you submitted on the pdf file which you can preview on the commonapp
diodotusX   
Jan 2, 2010
Student Talk / My social security number doesn't show up! (Boston University) [5]

Yeah, I know this isn't the right place to go to for help but I'm pretty sure the admissions office at BU would be on break so I can't call them. I figured it might be worth a shot here since there's many students working on apps. And yes, I did click save before I hit preview. The same thing keeps coming up. Or I suppose, failing to come up.
diodotusX   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Charlie Kaufman, New Yorker or not? NYU supplement [3]

This is reference to the NYU supplement:

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)

I want to use Charlie Kaufman, but I'm not sure if he's commonly associated. I know most of his movies take place in New York (Synehchdoce, Newyork; Adaptation (sorta); Being John Malkovich; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and that he was born in New York, but he did not grow up in New York despite graduating from NYU's film program. I'm afradi that he might be more associated with Los Angeles than New York

Thoughts???
diodotusX   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston University- 3 words (Observant, Realistic, Logical) Last Day [7]

I'd love to give you're essay a good once over, but I would assume that it's rushed. Therefore, I'm sure you'l be delighted to find out that BU has extended their deadlin till the 4th :) that might give you some time to go over it some more if you need to. if not, lemme know and I'll help you out