Undergraduate / "I started swimming when I was 7" - influential person, Syracuse University [7]


I agree with Victoria that you should tell more about yourself, mention your achievments. You wrote about becoming independent and mature, learning not to give up, but did not show facts of it. Try to relate what you've learned from a person who influenced you to your current accomplishments.

Essays / If given a second chance. What would you do over? [3]

Well, I could be wrong, but I think the topic implies the action, the event that you did wrong and would like to do differently, if given a chance. Describe the event, why and how you would like to change or redo it.


It is within your capability to change something in your character, that is to stop worrying about people' thoughts, so you can start even now. You do not need a second chance.

Undergraduate / "Poetry in Mongolia" - elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities [3]

Also, knowledge was not only found in classrooms, but also in many places, as long as I was willing to learn. --it's not clear what you meant by this sentence.

You might elaborate more on the emotions reciting poems stirs in you or on reasons that encourage you to conduct this extracurricular activity

Writing Feedback / New viewpoints, motivation, enthusiasm and concectration are needed in early education of a child [8]


Avoid starting a TOEFL essay with words "I agree or disagree". Start with a sentence that will capture readers' attention, f.e: a quote or a question. Also, I think that the introduction is too short. Since the purpose of introduction is to interest the readers and introduce them the stuff to be discussed further, you should compose longer ones.

Good luck!

Poetry / Suggestions for my poem : "My Flight". [10]


You can create a new thread, after you provide at least 2 comments on other members' posts.

Writing Feedback / Baku-- a short paragraph about the hometown [9]


Ok, I will change to Oriental - it sounds better in the sentence.


Exactly. I usually use Lingvo dictionary, and it provides another meaning of this word, which is "rising, ascending"

Poetry / Suggestions for my poem : "My Flight". [10]

Hi, Kamal


I want to answer with an example. As you see, in this poem the poet capitalized each word at the beginning of the new line regardless of commas at the end of the previous line.

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end,
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.

Shakespeare: Sonnet 60


Great words! For me, a poem resembles an iseberg. People guess of what is underneath the surface based on what is above.

Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]


I still insist on that. Those sentences are too long for this poem. Actually, I don't mind blank verse and unrhymed lines unless there is harmony between lines and stanzas. I did not find any harmony there, though.

Writing Feedback / Baku-- a short paragraph about the hometown [9]

I meant north and south wind :)


I was sure that it was correct but after you asked this question I began to doubt:)
I checked in my dictinary, which states that Orient is archaic, poetic way of using Oriental, and that they are equal in meaning.

Poetry / Suggestions for my poem : "My Flight". [10]

I know not, my own.

I am hardening myself each day, to the core.

For I pity not the situation that I am in, today

for I ask not, the joy or contentment to fill my heart

and to take there, my flight.

I think, you don't need commas in these sentences.

Start a word in a line with a capital letter.

Beautiful! I liked it!

Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]

I am not good in poetry, but, in my opinion, this resembles a descriptive essay rather than a poem. Besides, 6th and 7th lines are too long for a poem.


this part is unclear to me; panic about what? you were going well in description of the beach activities until you switched to unknown danger.

What is your goal? What you want to say by simply describing beaches? I see only beautiful words joined togehter, but as a reader, I would like to sense something unique that belongs to you, that demonstrates your attitude. Everything that you wrote is quite obvious and does not require broad imagination or deep thinking to understand. I don't know if I managed to convey my thoughts, but this is what I got from your poem.

good luck!

Writing Feedback / Baku-- a short paragraph about the hometown [9]

Oh, sorry for that. I forgot to give explanations for some word written in the Azerbaijan language.

Gilavar is the south winter.
Khazri is the north winter.
Chinar is the plane tree.

Thank you all for the feedbacks! :)

Research Papers / Help with how to cut 600 words from my research paper [4]

Hi, Heather

It's difficult to talk about it without seeing the essay itself. I would suggest some ideas though.
First, try to restate some long sentences where it's possible. It would add expressivness and shorten the essay.
If there is a requirement on word number, it means that it is possible to discuss thoroughly the topic without exceeding the limit. So you may also delete some sentences in the essay that contain repeated or minor points.

Writing Feedback / Three reasons for studying in a diffrent country [4]

I suggest to start a new para here:
The first one is to possess world standard education.

in academic essays. you may replace it with more general term "people", for example.

Poetry / This is the first poem I've ever written - "Sorrow" [7]


Shattered goals left behind
No regret for broken dreams
Revived faith washes away
Snatches of sorrow around me.

I changed "strengthened" to "revived". Does it fit the overall composition of stanza and the spirit of the poem?


Yes. he is "Metallica" of the essayforum.(for those not interested in rock, this is the best metal band in the world) :)))

Undergraduate / "Argentinian parents" - FSU admission essay "VIRES, ARTES, MORES" [3]

Experinces I've gone through and learned through others have sculpted the person I am today. Vires embodies the morals I will never break, the endurance I have physically, and the intellect I hold.-- add one more sentence and use this part as an introduction.

An important factor in my life is my family in which areis the backbone to my every decision.

leaving everything behind

The American Dream was what they had in plan, and -- what was their plan? this part sound odd -- After many years of tireless toiland days they had enough to buy their own home. -- try to get rid off unnecessary expressions. Construct succinct sentences; composing long sentences is like choosing circuitous paths to reach the destination instead of direct ones.

At the time, my family and I lived in Miami where the neighborhoods were dangerous and the education was poor.

Two hours away my parents found a city where they could make their dreams realityhave their dreams fulfilled

I excelled in school where I kept..

Years after when the econmic problem boiled over the city I lived in were known for the highest national foreclourse rates.

My parents struggled for keeping a stable home for the family. but throughoutDespite all discoragements my family was still optimistic,and I- - insert comma when you join independent phrases -- learned at a very young age that it's not what you have in life, but who you have in it that counts.

As I got older I took on the responsiblilty and choose to be another helping hand in the Landaburu household. I started off by babysitting and mowing lawns. -- I suggest to split the sentence to make the second part sound stronger.

Later, as I grew more responsible, I cleaned houses and office buildings and operated Drive- Thru at the Steak & Shake Restaurant. - I inserted commas here. Although I don't remember the exact rule, natural pauses after "later" and "responsible" urged me to use commas.

I propose to separate this part as a conclusion:
As I reminice about all the troubled times I am left with the conclusion that my family will always come first, and no matter how much I sweat it's all worth it if I give it my all. I know the importance of my education because education and knowledge is priceless. - this phrase does not fit here. Also, it lengthens the sentence to the extend when it confuses a reader.

Good luck with your admission!

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]


Yes, it does. I would appreciate if you can help to find some of them online, as they might not be available in local markets. :)

Poetry / This is the first poem I've ever written - "Sorrow" [7]


May be, this is because I wrote the poem while listening to music :) Sad accords impelled me to take the pen and create something that reflects me.


Maria, as you pointed correctly, the poem expresses struggles with my ego. After pouring my reflections out on a paper I felt like I got rid of burdensome stuff that gnawed me somewhere in my subconscious. Now I felt much easier :)))

Thank you both! :)

Grammar, Usage / Quick Comma Question - is it needed after "small amenities"? [5]

HI, Noto

You need a comma there. Also I think you need it after "falling asleep".

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Hi. Maria

Contributers and moderators might explain it better, but in my opinon, you ought to state explicitly all the details about the essayforum (website's name and goals) and your participation here (what you do as a contributor).

Writing Feedback / GRE (Argument203) the question about the contrast of hospitals [3]


this part is excessive. there is no need to state once again the fragment from the topic; instead, write an introduction and thesis statement at the end with your attitude to the topic.


there is nothing that indicates that the author assumes it. Overall, the sentence is too long and confusing even though I got your point.

However, it is possible that the larger hospital in city M has more advanced medical technology

So some diseases like the brain surgery which takes long time to heal have to be treated in the large hospital. And thus it is natural that the average stay time of large hospital is longer, which has nothing to do with economy. In short, without providing more evidence to prove the assumption the claim cannot convinced me.is not convincing


This para is like a short essay in the essay. You would better discuss each of three reasons stated above in different paragraphs.

Since the special diction cannot respective ascribe for the whole country, it is entirely possible...

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]

Kevin, you know so much about Yoga and meditation!


I completely agree, but:


this is the hardest part. Yoga is unfamiliar field to me, but if I understood correctly one should energize herself. I didn't know techniques of doing this - generating energy to myself. My main source of energy, at times unreliable, is my surrounding -- things and people around me. I get energy by communicating. When I run into a positive person, or read thoughtful novel (not necessarily with happy ending) or poem I experience the flow of energy, and hence, raise of mood and vice versa.

May be I should go deeper into Yoga :)

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]

Hi, Vaishali

I know this question is not addressed to me, but because I took TOEFl exam as well, and is familiar with your writing to some extend, I decided to comment on reported defects:


Yes, sometimes you include minor ideas, not completely relevant to the topic. Even though plenty of ideas may congest in your mind, you should focus on the two or three most pertinent ones (because of the tome limit).


Besides grammar mistakes, I noted that you rarely use transitions to connect your sentences and paragraphs. The main attribute of toefl essay and all academic essays in general is coherence, that is mostly achieved with insertion of transitional words.


To rectify this shortcoming you should ensure that supporting sentences relate to topic sentences and, that each of your topic sentences directly answer the thesis statement. Usually a topic sentence introduces the main idea of the paragraph, that is further to be discussed in the paragraph.

Good luck with your studies! try harder and the fortress of TOEFL will surrender. :)

Writing Feedback / My Sister and I - help proof-reading comparison/contrast paragraph [2]

Hi, Clarita


I think, this is self-evident and true almost for all people, except twiling perhaps. Even they are not completely similar. So, this is not the original sentence to start with an essay.

Start a new para here:
First of all, not only does a 9 year age gap differentiate us but so does how we look.

Secondly, we are very different in behavior.-this is the second para.

I have always been a fast learner and very goal oriented; as long as I remember my goal has been to be a successful architect, to built many homes and get recognized by people, nothing has been able to stop me.

WhileMy sister, in contrast, has always had difficulty learning and can't concentrate on a goal long enough to achieve it, and worst of all, she gets put down easily.

I will always support her;because after all, isn't that what older sisters are for?

Finally, we have very different likes in almost everything, from food to entertainment. - the third para begins here.

I could say this loudly and my sister will be proud of it: she loves food.

I am a vegetarian and believe that anything in its raw form is the healthiest. I don't eat out because I can't control what the cook does and don't eat meat.

My parents prefer taking my sister out to eat rather than taking me

When it comes to music it is the most complicated part in all,since she likes


Again, not the best sentence to end up an essay. All the more, you have mentioned blood and genes in the beginning. You may say it different, like: No matter how different we might be we will always support each other, as we are the family. or: No matter how different we might be we supplement each other as differences bring us closer.

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]


I sometimes experience exactly the same feeling. As like life is rushing by leaving me, the passive observer, outside. I cannot reach and subdue breakneck speed of life, get myself involved. Not my faith which is at times seemed to be blowed out by gusts of utter despair, and not the faith of others that are even wanner than my own, but my perseption that I have to struggle for my place, for my ego, desire to prove that I'm able to change things to the better help me not to stand aside of the unceasing course of life. May be this is what called faith or dreams, I cannot comprehend completely, and this makes me even more confused. My life is a constant battle for not being pushed out, battle of my thoughts.

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Comparison of two cars [10]

Hi, Ershad

Hope, the following suggestions would be useful:


Apart from discussed, you may say that Sloda is cheeper because there is low demand for this brand in the market, which has nothing to do with its superiority.


Also, cars are usually assessed on set of parameters. Although Cosmic's fuel economy is relatively low, at all other points it may surpass Sloda cars.

Undergraduate / High School Chess Championships: A winner [10]

Hello, Navaneet

I'm glad I run into your essay. It captivated my attention from the first sentence.

I have few suggestions, though. I would propose to cange the title into "The winner". It would be more pertinent, since you talk about yourself as the victor in the life.

It was the morning of April 18th, 2010. The sun had just begun breaking the clouds and bestowing its gentle light upon civilization. - it can be inferred from the sentence that the sun spreads its light only upon civilized world and parts of the planet the civilization has not reached yet remain in the darkness.


The highlighted sentence contain information that can be viewed as culmination point. So you would better emphasize it differently.


this para looks redundant.

Thanks for sharing it with us!
Best of luck to you!

Writing Feedback / Favorite Word and why-Rate/give advice for my college essay [4]

you write well, as you have rich vocabulary and good knowledge of grammar, but this essay lacks structure. If you divide into paragraphs, it would look more consistent and coherents. So I suggest to break the essay and start second para with "Discounting.." and the last para with "Without":

To add on to that, the word "quirky" is worth a minimum of 72 points when played in the game Scrabble.
Discounting all of these very appealing attributes of this word, the chief reason that I would call this word, out of the hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, is that it describes my personality to the core

Quirks like these are what make all of mankind unique individuals with our own eccentricities. Take away these, and you take away our identity.
Without the word the can best be defined as my word, what would I be? For one, my skills at hangman and scrabble would be greatly diminished, as that is my signature word, but more importantly, I would lose some of my uniqueness.

very convinsing, I particulary like the para where you described yourself.
good luck!

Writing Feedback / The main purpose of art is not to teach, but to show [3]

- to show certain historical, cultural events visually that took place at the lifetime of the artist. There were time when painting was the only tool to convey visual scenes of an event. For example, "The last day of Pompey" by Karl Brullov.

- to fix in painting and display prominent people for the future generations
- to reflect the mood of the society at the certain period of time, by drawing scenes from political and cultural life, city and rural environment.

Research Papers / the harmonized sales tax - Newspaper Article Summary [3]

Hi, Jacqueline


Can you specify what kind of help you want to receive?

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic high levels of violence in films today :D [8]

Thank you Philip. I'm proud of being part of this forum and trying to do my best, cause I really understand the scope of help that the essayforum provides to people.

Writing Feedback / 'You didn't build that?' - Luck has nothing to do w/ success [7]

Luck is something that is not in one's hands, that could not be controlled. Luck might not come exactly at the moment when we need it, or might never come at all, so people cannot rely on it. Hard work is different though. Any sound individual can address to hard work, as it is within his/her abilities and capasity. It's unreasonable to pin all hopes on luck to accomplish goals. Even if success isn't come, one will not experience regret for omission and inactivity, since he/she has done everything they can. At least, they would not waste time awaiting delusive luck. But, certainly, the right combination of both would be the perfect solution, as Shoumik pointed out.

Writing Feedback / Memory from the past can always give people more specific guide in the present - SAT [6]

Hello, Laura

to be an educated person

There, Iqbal received great tender and loving care.

..people applaused for his action and encouraged him to continue on .

I cannot score the essay, since I do not know scoring standards of SAT essays, but, overall your essay is optimistic and encouraging to actions.

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Recommendation to change the marketing style of a company [11]

exhaustive analysis; I think, you mentioned all controversial points.

Just one oversight, I found: The argument would have - what? - if the above mentioned flaws were taken into account.

Undergraduate / The future of our society and foreign policy: UT Austin, Important Issue [4]

in South-Central Asia

an increased availability of contemporary technology

However, they are well aware of its fate and hear of its name daily.

It is the country of Afghanistan. - This country is Afganistan. your version is correct, so this is just a suggestion.

What is the price of the abrupt withdrawal in Afghanistan?

If we choose not to fight for the liberation of people

These are the answers my generation gives to this issue that will shape the future of our society and the future of foreign policy.

Your writing skills are impressive, but you slightly deviate from the topic. I could find direct responce to the question of significance of this political issue to you and your generation. The last para seems close to explaining it, but it's too general.

It's also a bit difficult to go through your essay because there is not clear structure. I could not identify the thesis statement, for example.

Best of luck!

Essays / Studying History is pointless - stuck on this essay question [3]

Hi, Sophi.

Before starting an essay you should choose your standpoint. Then write an introduction and complete it with a thesis statement to indicate whether your agree or disagree with the topic, and what the essay will center on. Then comes the body of the essay. Select 2,3 or more strong reasons, as many as you can find and discuss them, by allocating one paragraph for each argument.

You may support them with examples, saying, quotes and explanatory sentences. Finally, write a conclusion, summarazing your work, and stating arguments that you brought to support your point of view.

If you haven't formed your opinion about the topic, search in the Internet. google "why study history". you'll see plenty of materials relating to the topic.

historyguide.org/guide/study.html
historians.org/pubs/free/whystudyhistory.htm

After finishing the essay, place it here. Forum members will check the grammar and content, and provide relevant improvements.

Good luck!

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]


All but one are orient languages, and I should say very challenging ones. Are you interested in Eastern culture and languages, or you like to face a challenge?

Undergraduate / International University of Art and Design, trying to apply [7]

Hi, Cookie.

I think, it's Ok, but if there is a strict requirement regarding the length of the essay, you may consider eliminating some phrases or paraphrasing sentences to make them shorter.