Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (for transfer) - Keeping it Simple [6]

In that case, I suggest something like this:

"I hope that you are able to look past my admittedly numerous withdrawals from classes, and be able to see the dedicated student the I strive to be. I hope that your university will see the member of the workforce I will become, making your institution proud to be the university on my resume. Most of all, I hope you grant me the opportunity to become the first person in my family to complete college."

A change in tone makes all the difference. :)

Undergraduate / SOP help - what am I supposed to write? [2]

Good evening :)

A SOP is a detailed description of the career the applicant intends to pursue after graduation, or a brief and focused essay about one's career or research goals. I'm not sure that this really fits that criteria. While your piece is very intriguing, it contains a lot of expressionistic phrasing, making it not so brief or focused. For example, how does the first statement and the following paragraph describe the career you want to pursue once you graduate, your career, or research goals. If it doesn't fit into those categories, it should be removed.

The SOP is just that; a statement. It should be clear, concise, and to the point. It really isn't the appropriate place for much creative writing material. Keep the focus and purpose of the statement of purpose in mind when writing, and you'll be fine.

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Confusion about UC prompt #1, any additional examples? [5]

How about hobbies or food?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Why do you want to study abroad? Is this SoP ok for M.Sc. Pet. Engrg? [9]

Well, it should match the question in the prompt. For instance, this piece (as it is) might not work for a prompt that asks about the influence of a specific event on you, but it might work with one that wants you to discuss what you plan to do with the degree you have obtained.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Born and raised in Abu Dhabi" - UC prompt 1 - Off topic?? Advice needed. [18]

Much better! The whole piece sticks to the same topic now; great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Poli Sci Major UC Transfer Personal Statement (opinions required) [7]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure not to use contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate; for instance, "didn't" should be "did not." Also, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences; for instance, "Political Science" shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content, I agree with the other members' opinions; I also like the revisions to the opening paragraph. I like your description and example; it is very appropriate for this prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - Christmas party; UC / World I come from [4]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate; for example, "it's" should be "it is."

Make sure that you are including your punctuation inside of your quotation marks; for example, "Santa", should be "Santa,"

I like those adjectives! How about "eccentric," "quizzical," or "whimsical"?

What is it about this get-together that has shaped your aspirations? I suggest analyzing this part of the prompt a little deeper; otherwise, I think it's a great piece! Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'one thousand different answers' - Texas Lutheran University Personal Statement [5]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, when you are making a list such as you have the semi-colons are inappropriate. Also, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Biology" shouldn't be capitalized. In regards to spelling, I suggest you run the piece through Word or the Mozilla web browser for submission.

In regards to content, I like your organization. Answering prompts like this with such a restrictive word count is difficult, but I think you've done a fine job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 transfer - Cognitive Science. It made inspired me to further my studies in psychology. [3]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only; as such, "Psychology" shouldn't be capitalized. The general rule for numbers in formal academic writing is that if it is between one and ten, it should be spelled out; if it is 11 or over, it is acceptable to use the numerals.

"...the psychology 1 professor I took..." this is awkward and should be rephrased. Where did you take her?

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. For instance, "We've" should be "We have."

In regards to content, I like your topic; it is not "run of the mill" and that will help your piece stand out. I like your organization as well; this makes the piece easy to read as it stays on topic and move smoothly. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: "Unconditional Love" - my separate, idealized world [8]

Good evening :)

I think that the subject is definitely a rare one. The prompt opens it up to include "family" and he could someday be a family member. I think that if he is a large part of your environment, he is an appropriate subject. Now, the important thing is how you analyze the rest of the prompt and integrate your relationship with him into it. While the three topics mentioned above are definitely stapes of the admission board, your overall presentation of yourself is also looked at. With that said, how has he helped shape you as a person? It seems like he has given you a great deal of self-confidence; how will this help you in college? You will probably take more academic chances and be a confident student; how does this relate to you being an asset to the college? You will make good grades and do great things. This type of train of thought could be implemented into your piece to make him "more than a boyfriend" and more of a positive force on the person/student you are/will become. If you go at this piece from this angle it will be much more credible, serious, and strong.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - If you were an admission counselor, what would you think? [19]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, don't begin your sentence with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."
I also agree that you use "father" too much; since the essay is about him, it is safe to use "he" or "him" periodically. I would definitely keep it in that closing sentence for emphasis.

I think this prompt answers the first question, but not the other two; you really don't discuss how it has prepared you for college; you have said that you are a harder worker than before, but you should describe in more depth. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. Also, I don't see how this essay answers what kind of asset you will be to the institution; again, don't assume that your reader will presume anything.

In regards to mechanics in the second piece, see my comments above because they apply to this piece as well. Also, "parent's" should be parents'.

In regards to content, I think this piece flows nicely. How do these expectations and accomplishing them make you proud? I think if you acknowledge that question in your answer it will be a great submission.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 - trouble figuring out the topic about the world I came from [7]

Good evening :)

Excellent changes! I think this is ready to submit; I wouldn't change anything. I think you acknowledge all of the facets of the prompt, it is well organized, and it flows nicely. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I have no idea what world I come from" - UC prompt #1...again [5]

Good evening :)

At the beginning of the piece I wasn't so sure, but by the second paragraph I could see where you were going and really like the "reverse logic" feel of the piece. You definitely grab your audience's attention!

The only mechanical correction I would make is to make sure that you don't begin your sentences with "and."
Other than that, I really like this piece. It is unusual, but in a good sort of way!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'My dealing with depression' - University of Washington Personal Statement [3]

Good evening :)

Wow. What an important piece. Congratulations for having making it down the path far enough so that you are comfortable sharing this experience with other. That takes a great deal of strength.

I think this is a great response to the prompt, and very well planned. Mechanically, make sure you avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "don't" should be "do not." Also, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words like "so," "and," or "but."

I think this piece answers the prompt effectively, and with a little mechanical polishing will be a very formidable piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The worries - UC Personal Statement [4]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, I agree with sukjeffrey's comment. Also, when using "however" as a transitory word, it should be followed by a comma. Make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; as such, "Dad" shouldn't be capitalized. Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "I'm" should be "I am."

In regards to content, as it is I don't think it's as strong a response as it could be. You really need to link your height to the prompt. It is a focal point in the essay, yet it really doesn't answer the question; how has it shaped your dreams and aspirations? Make sure that everything you discuss in the paper relates to those questions in the prompt. If they don't, they shouldn't be included.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I want to be the president of the United States" -UC Personal Statement [4]

Good evening :)

I'll never make you cry!!

Mechanically, make sure that you are ending your sentences with punctuation, including the quotation at the beginning of the sentence. Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and." Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "it's" should be "it is." Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

In regards to content, I think your introduction links to your conclusion very well, wrapping up the essay nicely. Your explanation of the art contest is detailed enough without being arduous, and it is organized well. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 - Art (freshman applicants) [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure your sentences really say what you mean. For instance, did you mean "While I no longer..."?

In regards to content, I think this is a great response. You answer the prompt very well, describing your transformation and the effects of those around you. Very nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'study group' - aspiration for my life - UC Prompt #1#2 [4]

Good evening :)

In regards to the first piece, please see my comments on it previously.

In regards to the second piece, mechanically, you have several short sentences one after another throughout this essay, and I think that is what is giving you the feeling you describe. This results in a choppy flow, and thus your sensation. To resolve this, try combining these shorter sentences with commas or semi colons, as this will smooth out the flow. For instance:

"My acting was not good; actually it was terrible. It was like a textbook reading whenever I said my lines and robotic whenever I made a motion. Everything I did was awkward, and after I experienced the strict, harsh practice, I realized thousands of people would watch my acting. That time, everything became so serious. I had accepted to act on the stage because it just looked fun and interesting, however, I had not realized that it also take a huge responsibility to act in front of people."

Try going back through your piece and see where you think you can condense and link more of these sentences. That will help this a great deal.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'success has lost its intrinsic meaning over the years' - mission trip [8]

Good evening :)

I think that you should elaborate a bit further as to the last sentence. I don't think you should begin a new paragraph, just expound a little bit further on this paradigm. Also, in your last paragraph, how do these experiences make you proud?

The rest of the piece is great; very descriptive, yet not too much. It is structured well and organized nicely; it is easy to read and flows smoothly. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "The special interest group"; what do you think? - considering civil engineer B.S [12]

I think it would be a good fit for that prompt; you might have to go into its impact on you a bit more for this prompt, but I think it could work.

I think it would also answer the second prompt very well. You relate your academic interest to your professional goals easily in the piece as it is, so it's just a matter of meeting the word count for this one.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "To start life afresh in California" - UC, What do you think of it so far? [6]

Good evening :)

I think you're off to a great start. Your descriptions are very vivid, and your tone is wise. You are well organized and your structures look good. I think this will become a great piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / What is your favourite word and why? - Uni of Virginia [15]

Good evening :)

I think it would be fine to use. You could make sure to include this definition in your essay, but I don't see it as a problem, since it is your favorite word.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Service Above Self" - UC Prompt #2 [3]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, replace the hyphen with a comma in the sentence "...kindhearted, determined leader..."

In regards to content, your conclusion is a bit abrupt. In the ending, never introduce new information and not follow it up. As it is, the conclusion seems like an after thought added to increase your word count.

Otherwise, I think this is a good piece; well organized with a sooth flow. It answers the prompt well, and will be much better once polished a bit.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Catholic school, September in Florida - Common App Essay PROMPT 2 [6]

Good evening :)

I have edited a paragraph from your piece and included some general comments as well:

"It is not a question of God's existence for me, though. Whether it be a stranger holding open a door on a difficult day, t he feeling of losing oneself in the rhythm of a piece of music, or even in biology l earning the sublime complexity and immaculate efficiency with which atoms bond to atoms to perform tasks in the cell; I have no doubt in the existence of a God. With a vastness of personal experiences to draw upon, and the concrete logic of those like Aquinas, theism is easy. What follows is a mishmash of religions and rites, churches and creeds, denominations and dogmas that leave my head spinning. It is impossible to simply step back and make a reasoned decision. There are no "Idiot's Guides" to choosing a religion, no flowcharts or compare-contrast tables of positions and ideas to help me decide. Facts are scarce, support is rare, and for an empirical mind like mine making the leap is difficult. ButAvoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "so," or "but." I keep trying: I attend services that are unfamiliar to me, I read books that are outside of my comfort zone, I experiment with approaches to life that I feel can make me a more spiritual person. It will likely take time but, hopefully, the patchwork of experiences that I have exposed myself to will eventually come together and provide me with the courage to take the leap."

In regards to content, you are very well organized and your paragraphs are structured well. I think it answers the prompt well, in a formal and even tone; you have a confident voice, resulting in a strong essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about the environment and how we can improve it [2]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences; for instance, "Environmental Science" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, "facet" should be "faucet."

"I hope that if I apply..."

In regards to content, I think it's a great essay. You use good examples from your life and apply them to greater society. You are well organized and the piece flows evenly. Your intro grabs the attention, and your conclusion wraps everything up nicely. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I am shy - what I did to overcome this trait? [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, one change:

except: hi, bye, yes, and no.

Should be "except "hi," "bye," "yes," and "no."

In regards to content, I think you've got a great essay that describes your life after overcoming a major obstacle. You do a great job of evaluating your life after this change, and relate that to your hopeful college experience. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'US financial meltdown' / 'Khaled Hosseini' / 'Authors' - Three short answer essays [3]

Good evening :)

The only corrections I have are mechanical. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "I've" should be "I have." Second, make sure you are properly using commas in a series. For instance, "Edgar allen Poe, Shakespeare and George Orwell" should have a comma after "Shakespeare." Same thing in the sentence about JK Rowling.

In regards to content, I think all three of these are great responses. They are clear and concise, right to the point, and very easy to read. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / From Los Angeles to a small, rural town - UC Prompt #1 Essay [2]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

In regards to content, I think you've got a great piece here. It is very organized, answers the prompt well, and is very smooth. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 - my academic experience [4]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "but," or "so." Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "wouldn't" should be "would not."

How/why does this experience make you proud?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Born in France" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [8]

Good evening :)

I think you've got a good start here. How does this experience make you proud? What did it have to do with making you the person you are today? You begin to touch on this last one, but the admissions board will be looking for some pretty deep self-evaluation in this regard.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Runners in my school - Prompt 2 [2]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, watch run-on sentences. For instance, your first sentence is a run-on. Make sure you break them up with proper punctuation or split them into independent clauses with periods and capital letters.

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing, as it is inappropriate. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "I'll" should be "I will."

Remember the difference between "its" (possession) and "it's" (contraction). Have you used the correct form in this sentence: "...keep that amount at it's maximum"?

In regards to content, I'm not sure if this is a good response to the prompt or not because you didn't include the prompt in your posting. As a standalone essay, it looks good. You are organized, your paragraphs are well structured, and your overall flow is good.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Grammar and sentence structure check needed for my economics report! [3]

Good evening :)

I have edited one paragraph from your essay fully, and included some general comments in regards to the rest of it:

"When the unemployment rate goes down, it increases workers' demand for higher wages.š As compared to the theories of Robert Gordon, Karl Marx, and Michael Kalecki, all agreed that although NAIRU changes over time, but capitalists purposely avoid full employment because it would weaken profits.š Friedman's view, on the other hand, wasIs this a view he still holds, or has it changed? If it is one he still holds, this should be "is." that mass unemployment results when workers demand wages more than their productivity.š After understanding the class conflict, some important issues can be seen clearly. For instance, workers' demand of increasing wages does not cause inflation directly because power is in the hands of the "capitalists, " not the workers. š In contrast, inflation occurs when capitalists fulfill their workers' demands for higher wages by increasing the prices on the goods and services.š Pollin said that the worker's well-being cannot be determined by the full employment.š From the 1990's workers could not increase in their wages; therefore, the United States needs a well-developed policy to maintain full employment and living wage levels while controlling the inflation.š"

In regards to punctuation, make sure that you are including your punctuation inside your quotation marks. For instance, "Unemployment and Inflation", should have the comma inside the last quotation mark.

Watch your use of commas; for instance, "...workers such as,..." shouldn't have a comma after "as."

Your citations look great, as does your works cited page. Double check your required citation style's requirements for the works cited page; the entries should be alphabetized.

In regards to content, I am not very versed in this field of expertise, but it looks very well organized and well planned to me. Your overall organization is good, and your paragraph structures look great. You seem to answer all of the questions in the prompt, and have a good intro and conclusion. I suggest you have the piece looked over by a classmate or another person well versed in this field before you submit to double check the content.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I intend to major in communication studies. I have become extremely fascinated by mass media. [5]

Good evening :)

While this piece is also good, I prefer the first piece. It seems to fit the prompt better; but, in the end, it is your choice :) !

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Presentation on Pepsi advert speech [2]

Good evening :)

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited because your question refers to very specific source material out of my area of expertise that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - If you were an admission counselor, what would you think? [19]

Wow; you've got quite the formula! I'm impressed!

Keep up the hard work, you're getting closer!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC personal statements 1 and 2 (transfer student, anthropology) [7]

Sure; post them here and I'll take a look at them!

Undergraduate / "hope to be a vanguard of technology" -Describe the world you come from. [3]

Good evening :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included more general comments in regards to the rest:

"I remember a phrase I had heard years ago that intrigued me: "One World and No StrangersThe "O" should be the only capitalized letter here. ." I was struck by its utterly simple, yet profound meaning. When I moved to America from Hong Kong, my stunted English always stood between me and the other children; however, it did not hamper me from fixing computers for those that encountered problems. My short, punctuated keystrokes and hurried clicks would melt stubborn, frozen screens, to the enormous excitement of the owner. On more than one occasion, this connection was the sole foundation for a strong friendship, and I realized that technology would become the bridge for me to interact with everyone else. With the help of technology, I soon assimilated into my new culture."

There should be a comma after "invention."

"Web Entrepreneur" isn't a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized.

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "hasn't" should be "has not."

In regards to content, I think you've got a great response here. It is well organized, it has nice flow, and the transitions are smooth. You answer all of the aspects of the prompt, and do it with enough detail to keep your audience interested. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "to work at a hospital helping children" - personal quality, talent [4]

I think this is a great response that absolutely answers the prompt. You describe the events that are important to you, how you responded to them, and how it relates to the person you are. The only thing missing is how this makes you proud. You could discuss how you and your family helping makes you proud, or that you were able to alter your perception of your life. Other than that, I don't think I'd change anything! Nice work.

Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Good morning :)

I think you've got a great response here. You describe the event and it's result (your career choice), but I don't really see a strong connection to what you gained from that event. It sounds like you have always had a background and an interest that would suit you for international relations, but what was it specifically about this trip that was beneficial to you? Once you expound upon that a bit more, I think this will be a great submission. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "the school varsity tennis team" - Prompt #2 [7]

Good morning :)

How about times in your life where you have achieved something that you didn't think you could, or when you helped someone in need? What about an instance where it was tough to do the right thing and show moral character, and you did? Or, when you stood up for someone else when they were in need/distress?

Think about one very narrow incident, with these things in mind. I'm absolutely positive you've done great things in life that would make you proud :)