Undergraduate / About diversity and my empathy for others - Supplemental Essay on Diversity Question [7]


Yes, you're right. Since you say in the next sentence that you developed that quality, so it would be slightly contradictory to say the word innate.

Inherent is definitely better.

Writing Feedback / Factors contributing to job satisfaction of adults at work [6]

I once wrote an essay on this topic. Click on my username and find it. It may give you some ideas.

Undergraduate / UNC Essay - How I Express My Inner World [7]

Hello Addison!!

I agree with Mark. Your writing is excellent and quite poetic!

However, this is an admissions essay, and sometimes such a style can make the essay slightly abstract. I don't know if you intended it to be that way, but your essay seemed like one big metaphor to me. Consequently, I found it hard to follow the actual theme in some places.

I hate to see you rewrite this essay because it is really beautiful. Nevertheless, I'm not sure how effective it will be for an admission purpose.

Writing Feedback / EFFECTS OF INDUSTRIALIZATION TO ENVIRONMENT AND ECONOMY [7]


Whoa! I first took this literally, and the sentence didn't make any sense. Now that I've read it again, I can see it's a metaphor -- a good one.


Many people say that the improvement of major industries all over the world has significantly boosted economic performance.


I didn't understand this. Is that another metaphor? That would be one too many.

Here you need a semicolon
Until one stormy day, it just came to life from hills attacking the roads; since its flowing waters cannot be stopped, people suffered although no one was hurt.


You introduced a new idea in the end. Don't do that. A conclusion should generally sum up the points made in the essay -- not introduce new ones.

Undergraduate / Becoming a nurse to benefit others - USC Essay, in need of revision [5]


Great first paragraph, but the ending seemed weird.
So you used the second person for any/every nurse? I'm sorry, but I'm can't seem to express what I think is wrong with the ending.

Anyway, the second paragraph could start with a better transition.

I think this should be a colon instead of the semicolon:
I was amazed by everything: the hospital, the doctor, the blood counts, the nurse.

Now that I've read the whole essay, the first paragraph seems really detached from the rest.

Writing Feedback / Veteran of Domestic Wars: I need some critique here. [3]


The semicolon should be a comma.


This one...same as above. Also, the word "to" would sound better than against.
Typo I believe --> ore ...should be yore.



These two, also.

Okay, a semicolon is only used when the two parts of the sentence you are joining can stand as independent sentences. In most of your cases, they don't.


Incorrect capitalization.

Undergraduate / Brown Engineering - Why biomedical. "Most potential" [5]

This is well written. However, it would be better if you can specify one single thing you want to do in this field. Read some current articles on the biomedical engineering. That may give you some ideas about how you can be even specific. If you can specifically say that you want to do research/job in XYZ field in the future, your essay would stand out. Of course, your interests may change over the years, but it would be great if you can specify one..

Scholarship / 'high achieving students from low income families' - short answer response [2]


This is a vague sentence. Since you started the response with mathematics, I think it would be better if you stick with mathematics only.

The second response is good.

Same goes for third.


"Financial aspects" sounds awkward. Can you think of a different phrase?


I think you can condense this sentence. Also, it would be better if you don't use the second person.

Undergraduate / "... so just bear with me" - Stanford letter to roommate [7]

Wow Maggie!!

This is great stuff! Very witty and very funny!
If I were you, I wouldn't change a word. There isn't a single sentence which failed to capture my attention. This really is one of the best essays I've seen on this site. :)

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Hey Kayla

This is definitely better, and I think I agree with Mark's suggestion of removing the word "actively."

Good luck for the future :)

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]


I don't like this sentence. It made be wonder why you didn't choose quantum physics or something alike.

One more thing-- it would be great if you mention a potential supervisor, and explain briefly why you find his or her work interesting.

Graduate / Why Statistics? Admission Essay MA Statistics Program [3]


I think this should be statistical science or simply, statistics.

I get special pleasure in extracting information out of raw data.

At xxx College, I took courses that helped me learn about regression

I had a series of courses in Economics during my undergraduate years that gave me greatthe opportunity to analyze different types of data-sets.

a research project at an Econometrics class, taught by Professor xxx,that to utilize the statistical


This is an awkward sentence.
My version would be: To prepare myself accordingly, I have started learning C++ and relevant mathematical topics through MIT Open Courseware and UC Berkeley Webcasts.

I am convinced myself that I am well equipped to start my graduate study.


Rephrase this sentence.


This is a weird observation. Don't all the professors do so, especially when they are from a world class institution?

As you can see, I took out a lot of unnecessary words. You can also improve the conclusion. Add one more sentence that highlights your future plan.

Graduate / the financial markets: MBA program admission Goal Statement essay [4]

Hello Leon!

Can you write the first sentence in a simpler way? I got the meaning, but such a long opening sentence can be discouraging.


Avoid contractions in formal writing.

For the past twelve years, I have spent a considerable amount of time toeducating myself...

Your essay is good; however, you should talk more about the program. Are there any modules which interest you greatly? You have said that you want to concentrate on finance. But finance is such a broad field. Do you have something even more specific in mind?

You talk about the diversity of the student population of the university. But there are also other universities like that -- ones that have lots of international students. So what is so unique about your chosen one?

Undergraduate / 'overcoming and becoming' -FSU prompt (Vires, Artes, Mores) [3]

Your opening sentence is not very exciting. It is just an unnecessary observation.


This is vague. Moreover, it makes it hard to see where your essay is going. For instance, you follow it up with an incident that didn't affect you directly; so how does it relate to mistakes you made or problems you had?


I also didn't understand why you introduced and emphasized this word.

Undergraduate / Aspects Of My Life A University Wants - Essay '10 [2]

Hello Suranjan!
Whenever you post an essay, include the prompt.


This seemed like a really obvious observation until I saw the word "brag." That single word made me like this sentence.

Well, in my case I've got not one, not two , but several traits that I can talk about ---- unnecessary emphasis


Hmm...I'm slightly unsure whether I like this part or not. I think it is clever of you to use that analogy, but ...
Anyway never mind :)


I'm not sure if I got your meaning properly. What do you mean by "points of information?"

Your fourth paragraph has too many unnecessary descriptions for my liking. Condense some of that stuff. It would be better if you join it with the preceding para.

Since I don't know the prompt, I cannot comment on the suitability of this essay. Your writing seems fine.

Scholarship / M.Sc Statement of purpose for chemical engineering (at a reputable ‎university) [8]

Hello Muzamil

Your writing is good. You just have a few minor mistakes. But some of the content needs some working. Let us take the paragraphs one by one.

Paragraph 1
The first sentence is vague. That means it doesn't highlight your qualities. You can say you're hard-working/ brave, but how do we know that? The readers who have never seen you cannot just assume that you have those particular qualities.

Therefore, talk about specific stuff. Stuff that can be associated with you easily. The best way to do that is by taking the help of examples. Consider the following example

I want to say that I am altruistic. I can say that in two ways.
1) I am always moved by the suffering of poor
2) I volunteered in an NGO which provides free clothing to the poor section of society.

Which one do you think is better?

Paragraph 2
You could have explained a bit more about your undergraduate degree. Did you do some project/research as part of your coursework?

Paragraph 4
You should include more specifics about the university you are applying to. Does the MSc course they have include the modules on the topics you have given as your interests? Is there anyone from the faculty working on those fields?

Scholarship / M.Sc Statement of purpose for chemical engineering (at a reputable ‎university) [8]


In my opinion, your undergraduate degree falls under career in a broad sense. That's why I think it should be included. I say this because some people may not have any work experience, and they may still be applying to that particular university. In their case, they will talk about their undergrad degree as their career.


You can write that in the same paragraph.

Undergraduate / The City, The Lessons, The Campus: Why I chose to Apply to UCF [6]

I can still remember back toT he first time I stepped foot on the UCF campus, I was 9 years old and my family and I were moving my older sister in to her new dorm room. -- unnecessary words

donning my kid- sized ZTA tank top around school with pride.


You can shorten this sentence. The "I have always..." part is a bit boring...sorry :(


Here you introduce a different idea. Your essay doesn't say anything about how UCF will help you grow as a human being. So why have you put this sentence?

Your essay was nice overall. However, I think you could add something about your intended course of study.

Graduate / Science and Mathematics: Statement of Purpose- MS in Computer Networks [3]

I was lucky to join the research and development division of a project working in VoIP (Voice over IP), the latest technology or in my manager's words 'the cutting edge technology!' -- cut away useless words

I think you should include more specifics about the university you are applying to. Can you name a particular faculty member whose work interests you? Are the research areas of your intended university compatible to your own?

Undergraduate / Most appealing about Columbia = it fits the mold of my expectations [3]

Your first line seems strangely out of place. This is followed by some points which everyone else could have given. What I mean is that your essay seems to project a lack of research about the university.

You don't have to talk about all the factors which would make Columbia a good place for you. Just concentrate on one or two, but make them seem the most important ones. I believe the prompt asks about that only.

You say that you like chemistry. But you can pursue that in any other college of Columbia's stature. Do you have a specific reason?

Grammar, Usage / Expressing opinions in technical writing? [3]

I don't think I understood your question properly. Nevertheless, what do you think of the following one?

"Despite the fact that both methods have their advantages, it can be clearly seen that the former..."

Undergraduate / "Computer: want to be a computer engineer" admissions essay [4]

Your first paragraph is a very common and overused way of starting an admissions essay. Try to change it.
I'm not saying that you cannot say all those things about your childhood. However, you should include them in a way that is different from others. Read some other essays and you'll understand what I mean.

You can start with a short description of an experience from present and then connect it to one from your past. This is just an example.


I don't like this sentence. It makes you seem a bit...bloated...you know what I mean??

The third paragraph is not good. Here you've put things which everyone knows. Are they really the reasons you want to pursue comp sc.? Do some research into the new and upcoming fields of computer science. You'll see that you will have more than enough material to talk about.

Undergraduate / Essay on how you work with peers in math [3]

I think your first paragraph has too many sentences which are irrelevant to the context. You could have used an example to demonstrate that you can adapt to your surrounding environment. Right now it seems as if you are describing the importance of adaptability on a general basis.


This sentence is not necessary.

The second paragraph can also be condensed. That will give you room to talk about some other things that you think will give weight to your essay.


I'm sorry, but I don't see the logic behind this statement.


Another unnecessary sentence.


Don't make claims which you don't substantiate. Use examples to show your qualities.

The conclusion suffers from the same problem as the introduction.

Graduate / "Polymer Engineering" - STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR GRADUATE ADMISSION [2]


Think about it once. What is "a well trained chemical engineer?"
Don't you think it is a vague term.
Therefore, it's good to name a proper profession. Chemical engineering is a broad field encompassing a host of professions. What do YOU want to be?


I'm sure you have better reasons than these for pursuing your studies. Do some thinking and you will soon realise why you want to study.


I think it's better to avoid talking about school level studies in a grad school essay. Concentrate on college.


This sentence is not needed because your CV will carry these details. Right now it is just a repetition.


When you describe these things, they should be in a language understood by laymen. Some universities ask that directly and some don't, but I think it's always better to keep the jargon out.

Your conclusion could do with one more sentence.

Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

You started off in the clichéd way of talking about childhood. However, I found it different from others. It did seem that engineering was a natural decision.

The second paragraph has no earthly business in this essay. The AOs don't want to know about engineering. They want to know about you.

The third and fourth paragraphs are weak. They demonstrate a lack of research about the university. You can replace Yale with any other high ranking university, tweak the sentence about student to faculty ratio, and your essay will remain the same.

So do your research. Ask questions to admissions coordinators, ex-students, current students, etc. Of course, scour the university website for every detail you can find.

Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

mechanical engineer, as I had performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments

Comma not needed here: my ambition of being a great engineer if I am educated at a top-notch...

The new paragraph is better. However, I still think it would best if you include more Yale-specific information.

Writing Feedback / My political essay on the corrupt release of government information. [3]


Is it necessary to add the dot com part? I mean everyone knows about Facebook, Myspace and such stuff.

Typo here: promotes which also attempts to turn American citizans against its own


I think you forgot to give the punctuation marks (i.e. quotes). Right now it looks like you are making an assertion in the third paragraph.

No capitalisation required here: Organizations

Overall, I think you made some good points. However, I found it hard to discern your perspective while writing this essay. Did you write it from an American perspective or taking the world as a whole? Since you haven't included the prompt, it is unclear what your essay should have been like. If the title of this thread is the prompt, then I think you should stick to one perspective.

For example, a scenario which is applicable to the US may not apply to some other country. In this essay you are using the world and the US interchangeably, which may not be appropriate.

Undergraduate / Designing a course: St olaf supplement [3]


In place of the comma, a colon or semi-colon would fit better.

of diverse disciplines. AndM y course would incorporate areas of study such as culture,

Cut out some unnecessary words: One of the important reasons for this isThat is because the human population is getting more...


This is a repetition of the previous sentence. Avoid repetition, and don't start a sentence with a conjunction unless it seems absolutely necessary to maintain the flow of the idea.

I like the ideas given in the second paragraph.

Your concluding paragraph looks weak. You repeated the same ideas in the same way (in a conclusion, you are supposed to summarise main ideas in a different way). Moreover, the implications that you have mentioned are very predictable. Try to include some new insight.

Undergraduate / School of the Museum of Fine Arts of Boston Essay: "Why us?" [3]

Maybe it's because I am not an Arts person, but I found the first two paragraphs quite vague. Don't get me wrong; they are nicely written, but I couldn't find anything specific about the university.

The same goes for the third. It seems as if you are trying to artistically express why SMFA attracts you; whereas in my opinion, your reasons should be more factual and objective.

One more thing I observed, and I am sure if Kevin sees this essay he'll probably note it too, is that you use adjectives a lot. Maybe you can cut out some of those.

spiritual and social believes, beliefs...

Undergraduate / Political Science: what led you to select your anticipated academic area of study [3]

In the first four sentences you impose an idea. Now consider this -- the people who will be reading this essay may be learned scholars who know all these things and the whole idea behind education. For them, your sentences do not carry any meaning. What I mean is, there is no point in telling the obvious. Moreover, that particular reason for your university selection can be applied to many other universities. The same can be said for the data on faculty-student ratio. These are just superficial reasons. Use your research a bit more.

The main problem with your essay is that you do not address the prompt properly. Your essay can be divided into three parts.
1. Your opinion on an issue
2. Why you think NYU AD is good for you
3. Why you like Pol Sc.

My suggestion is -- stick to Pol Sc. only. Tell them what you like about this area (use examples from recent times), and what is so special about the Pol Sc. programme offered in NYU AD.

Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]

This is a good essay. I like its simplicity. However, there are a few points I'd like to point out.

1. The first paragraph seems to exaggerate your interest in astronomy. It may not be the case in reality, but I'd like it more if you choose some toned down words.

The main problem is the use of the phrase "sheer awe" in combination with a rhetorical question.

However, this is just a personal opinion, and personal opinions may vary from person to person.

2. I don't think the following words are needed.


I love the second paragraph, especially the last sentence.

3. I have to agree with your sister. The last sentence is a confusing one. One thing you can do is follow it up with a clarifying sentence.

P.S. I loved that book by Kaku.

Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]


Hmm...if I were to write the opening, I'd probably scrap quite a lot of the opening para. I think if you want to express something, it's better to use an anecdote than just describing it. For example, if you had given an example from a Astronomy classroom session, maybe it would have been more convincing.

Anyway, like I said, it's just an opinion and definitely not an advice. You can stick to your version :)


I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself properly last time. I meant, if you need to cut out something, you can cut out those.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Ah well becoming a contributor is easy. Just review essays (at least 20) and then send a message to the admin via the Contact page.

If your reviews have been meaningful and helpful, you'll become a contributor.

As for becoming a moderator, it's slightly more tricky. Read the 13th FAQ in this page: Frequently Asked Questions.

Research Papers / My research paper on nanotechnology (both informative and interesting)? [7]

Nanotechnology is a broad field. Why don't you start by selecting a topic within the purview of nanotechnology?

Google: Applications of nanotechnology

There you will find a host of topics related to nanotechnology. Select one of them; for example, applications of nanotech in medicine, material science, etc.

Narrowing down your topic will give a better direction to your essay.

Undergraduate / "I dare to be different" - FAMU Entrance Essay [5]

In this type of essay, it is better to demonstrate your qualities, rather than just claiming to have them. Take your first paragraph for instance. All those qualities you have mentioned sound like empty words to me. That's because I've never met you, and I don't know what sort of a person you are. The same thing can happen when a admissions officer is reading your essay.

So, when I say "demonstrate," I mean, demonstrate your qualities with the help of examples or anecdotes from your life. Rather than saying you're confident, narrate an event where you showed your confidence.

I hope you get my meaning. Good luck!

Essays / When you decide what is right and what is easy - opinion on this hardest decision topic? [5]

I don't know what you want us to do. If you're looking for someone to write an essay for you on that topic, you are at the wrong place. If you are looking to discuss that prompt with people here, I suggest you first write a couple of lines, so as to initiate the discussion.

This seems a straightforward topic. You can select examples from your personal life to answer this prompt.

A variation of this prompt maybe : risk (right) vs compromise (easy)

Grammar, Usage / CONJUCTION EXERCISE (edit the following passage about DNA fingerprinting) [4]

My version:

1. DNA fingerprinting is a technique that can be used to identify a person accurately. I t is also known as DNA profiling. 2. DNA is present in cells and can be isolated from the following: blood, skin, hair, and sweat.

Last two are same as yours.

In the first one, I've replaced the comma with a period. As for the second, a colon looks correct in place of the semi-colon.

Writing Feedback / "moving my eyes over African journals" - what are you passionate about and why? [3]


A question mark needed in place of the period at the end of the sentence.


These is an awkward sentence. The word "sculptor" doesn't seem to fit here. The sentence also violates number agreement.
They is plural, while sculptor is singular.


I am not sure if you properly expressed your thought through this metaphor. The word scope is difficult to decipher without the context. I think you should add one more sentence clarifying the metaphor, if you want to keep this sentence.

In fact, my advise would be to keep the number of metaphors to a minimum in an admissions essay.

When I am reading a sad story full of sweat, trouble and betrayal I scratch my head in response as though I wasam the one involved; however, it reveals a miniature reflection of the future and how carefully I should tread to avoid troubles and mistakes. ----- note the usage of semi-colon

I can see that you have real skill in writing. This is evident from your metaphors. However, like I said, do keep them in check in an admissions essay. You don't want to confuse the admissions officer, do you? That being said, keep in mind that I am not as good a reader as the admissions officers will be; so, my opinion may not be correct.

Graduate / CASPA Application Personal Narrative - career in sports medicine, physician assistant [4]

You need a better transition between the first two paragraphs. Right now it seems you are talking about two different things in those two paras.

I feel that if you somehow merge the second paragraph with the third one, it would give you a better start -- just a suggestion though

You repeat this phrase a few times:- "to learn more"
It would be better if you specify what you wanted to learn; like you mention sports medicine in the subsequent paragraph.

Your writing is pretty good.