Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Posts by freezard7734
Joined: Aug 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 8, 2010
Threads: 17
Posts: 209  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 226 / page 1 of 6
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Dec 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "4.5 out of 10" - MIT: something important that didn't go according to plan [8]

Yeah... I'm a bit uneasy about the topic you chose. Also, I'm not exactly sure what happened in the competition to cause the changed in results/etc. You seem to state a problem and then go entirely on a tangent. You should focus on what you did to deal with the "fraud," and how you "managed the situation." You don't seem to answer that question. You need to address what you did to deal with the competition itself, not the math. The problem is the event, not the subject of the event. Do you understand what I mean?

Also, avoiding math because of one mistake/fraud/whatever-you-want-to-call-it in a competition seems to be very superficial, so I would suggest you don't write about that.

Remember, answer the prompt! :)
Dec 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Computer science, I want to continue to serve the people" - Why Carnegie Mellon? [3]

Are you sure it's not too long. They asked you not to exceed a page and they even said please! :-)

Hahah :) It actually all fits on one page, so no worries on that part :)

it would be good to add a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that tells the reader the single most important message of the essay, the idea you want them to associate with you.

Hmmm... how about:
"Hello World! I was eight years old when I discovered the realm of computer science. Ever since I found my passion for programming, I had strived to understand the logic behind algorithms and code. I loved to translate the problems I encountered daily into C++ programs and Java applets, and I relished the tingling sensation whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world. Programming and computer science is, to me, the ultimate source of delight and inspiration to serve the world."

I think the last sentence encapsulates the joy I find in programming itself and in using my programs to help others.

Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. ---this is just name dropping. To make it meaningful you should cite an article he wrote or refer to research he is doing or his area of specialization.

Yeahh... I thought it was a bit sudden. What if I added a short description of where I learned about him :
"In this way, I want to continue to serve the people. At Carnegie Mellon, I can not only broaden my expertise in algorithmics but also learn from its leading professors to apply my newly acquired knowledge to reality. Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis, who was featured in an article on software management and development in my favorite magazine ComputerWorld, can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. "

Again, thanks a lot! :)
Dec 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being an editor" - Common Application Short Answer [4]

you can always go over the limit but it has to be good enough.

Actually, quite the contrary. Do NOT go over the word limit. It is hard (those damn constraints :) but if you do go over the word limit, your response will get cut off, which nobody wants.

This is ok (the last sentence eludes me though - they taught you what?) You need to elaborate on what you learned from the experience. You describe what you do a lot, but you should add details about what you gained from being an editor of a less-than-ideal staff.
Dec 2, 2010
Research Papers / why did north Korea attack south Korea? [4]

South Korea is a communist country.

You have it all wrong. North Korea is the communist country. You have all the wrong information as well. You had better research more thoroughly before attempting this topic.
Nov 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Computer science, I want to continue to serve the people" - Why Carnegie Mellon? [3]

Hello World! I was eight years old when I discovered the realm of computer science. Ever since I had found my passion for programming, I strived to understand the logic behind algorithms and code. I loved to translate the problems I encountered daily into C++ programs and Java applets, and I relished the tingling sensation whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world.

As an exhilarating challenge, I developed an interactive program to help my friends balance equations for chemistry class in high school. Whenever I came to a dead end, I would take a break and consult my programming friends. We would sit around a small, isolated desk in a library and discuss the problems with my program and different ways to improve it; the quiet environment was conducive to efficient collaboration, through which I would tackle the program again with fresh ideas. After weeks of coding, recoding, frustration, recoding, and compiling, I finally completed the software. It was my masterpiece, one into which I had poured my efforts and imagination in order to help my class.

In this way, I want to continue to serve the people. At Carnegie Mellon, I can not only broaden my expertise in algorithmics but also learn to apply my newly acquired knowledge to reality through its leading professors. Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. The numerous opportunities to study human-computer interaction will also allow me to explore how I can improve my programs to better serve my community. Furthermore, the School of Computer Science offers a unique fifth year masters program, through which I can more quickly utilize my learned skills for the real world.

Besides its high educational caliber and program, CMU offers countless research opportunities. I once had a privileged chance to experience the exciting environment and challenges of research. During an internship at UC Berkeley, even though my project dealt with fabricating sensors for power cable maintenance, I explored the power of analytical programming while creating models in Mathematica and Matlab. I loved the active participation, experiments and rigor of research. At CMU, I hope to participate in its many research programs such as the Cognitive Tutor Authoring Tools Project and the ground-breaking Artificial Intelligence program and continue to invigorate my passion for computer science.

One thing I didn't like about the Berkeley lab, however, was the lack of a certain concentrated environment; there were so many people of various disciplines that it took me hours to get a programming question completely answered. Fortunately, at Carnegie Mellon, I can experience the focused atmosphere I had been seeking. CMU, unlike most other colleges, has a distinct school set aside just for computer science. With its small size of 150 peers, the School of Computer Science will make group collaboration more personal and accessible. There, I can not only relive the joys of research and computer science but also pursue my goals to serve the people in an environment conducive to focus on my prospective major in Computer Science.
Nov 28, 2010
Book Reports / Gender roles. I need to shorten this Macbeth essay thesis into one sentence. [3]

I think I have a better one, if Grace doesn't mind :)

Macbeth's and Lady Macbeth's conflict of gender roles, including Lady Macbeth's attempt to fulfill the male roles, leads to their demise both as individuals and as a couple.

I don't understand how Macbeth's living up to the male stereotype can bring as much conflict as Lady Macbeth's going against her own gender role, so I took that part out.
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "to design it my way" - Brown University Supplement Essay [3]

Brown University will provide me with the supplies I need for my future, but will allow me to design it my way.

I kind of agree with Grace. You need to be a little more specific. What kind of supplies/resources does Brown uniquely offer that will help you pursue your goals?

Having my service projects be a big influence on my life, the Swearer Center is an ideal place to work with others and take action.

Small grammar error. "Having my ... life" is describing you, not the Center, so it should instead say
"Having ... life, I can work with others and take action in the ideal environment of the Swearer Center."
Also, you should mention what about the Center makes it ideal.

Hope that helped.
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Scientists investigate, engineers create" - improvisations in the end and beginning [4]

The feeling of a challenging small school environment in one of the largest campuses in the world; and the opportunity to study whatever interests me, even if I am still exploring what I want to bemy interests . This is why I am considering The Ohio State University.

The first sentence is a big, long phrase. You should combine this with the following sentence like:
"Ohio State University offers the feeling of a challenging small school environment and the opportunity the opportunity to study my interests."

The following statements on diversity feels out of place. You start off talking about the challenging environment and the opportunities and all of a sudden talk about diversity...

Overall, I think it is okay. However, I think you should focus more on what you plan on becoming or doing at OSU. How do you plan on using OSU's resources to achieve your dream of becoming an Aerospace Engineer?

Also, I feel that you began to drift focus away from the quote as you progressed through the essay. I'm not sure if that's ok. In my opinion, you should keep the quote alive and fresh and part of your main thesis in the short answer.
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Successful not only for my parents" - how my world has shaped dreams / aspirations. [3]

You should check up on your typos here and there :) Use the Microsoft Word spell/grammar checker - it's really useful.

"Though my parents were opened minded and supportive, they were very strict and concerning about academics."

"Occasionally, though, I would skip my homework to talk..."

Occasionally though, I would skip my homework to talk on the phone or play video games and my parents threw fits because I wasn't prioritizing what was most important. I was confused. I had the choice to do what I wanted to do. Why are they angry?

I'm a little doubtful that you were asking yourself this. I'm sure you understand earlier why playing games instead of doing homework wasn't the best thing to do. :) I'm sure you could state the question in a different way, like: "I was only going to play for ten minutes." or "I just wanted a little break from work." Something like that. But not something blatantly "child-like" (no offense meant :) ) as, "I had the choice to do what I wanted to do."

Do you understand what I mean?

"The evening would have been perfect if my sister didn't ask my mother an innocent and harmless question..."
The evening was ruined by a harmless question? I think a better word choice is needed. Maybe choose a different word for "perfect" because I'm not sure what you mean by a perfect evening. Maybe "quiet" or "uneventful?"

"They wanted me to be the person they wished they could be."

"I believe the best way to do that is to keep working hard, be accepted to a prestigious college, and become a happy, successful adult."

The first part is good. However, readers might be skeptical at the second part and unclear about the third part. By saying, "being accepted to a prestigious college," you might sound desperate to the AO reader, so you might want to reconsider that part. For the third one, you don't really tell the reader what you exactly mean by successful. You should try to clarify your definition of success.

Nice anecdote though! :) Must have been a very enlightening moment.
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Excellent computer science professors and diversity" -Allegheny college essay prompt [6]

"They emphasized the excellent computer science professors, and the diversity of the student body. Upon seeing these testimonials I immediately decided to apply."

Yes. I agree with Kevin. You should explain what makes the computer science professors excellent, etc.

""Allegheny's computer science majors understand the theories and concepts behind the technology, and there's almost no limit to the ways in which this broad-based knowledge can be adapted.""

Although I may picky, I'm sure other colleges, such as Berkeley and Carnegie Mellon and MIT, can claim that too. :) (*sigh. I'm having a lot of trouble with this kind of prompts too x.x)

"I want to use the knowledge I acquire to help solve the world's problems."
Explain this. Don't just make a great (and rather pretentious) claim without explaining yourself :) How do you plan on solving the world's problems with comp.sci.? Do you plan on solving every problem - or which ones?

"Computers are the future of the world"
:) Environmentalists often joke that the future is either computers or nothing.
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "a second generation child in America" - my family and my world [4]

I think its fine, although it partially answer the prompt. It isn't too general (not everyone has split parents and came from a first generation class, etc); however, I feel that you leave out too many details. For example, you make me wonder what it is in junior year that made you realize doing your best is important? You say that being different from everyone else has affected you, but how specifically?

You also need to more directly answer to prompt. What are your dreams and aspirations? Reading this, I didn't get a clear picture of what your ultimate goal is.
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a a royal pain" - Stanford Roommate Essay [8]

You shouldn't use contraction's in formal essays, but this is more of a letter format, more informal. In the end, depending on what the writer wants to do, contractions can be acceptable.
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

"Everyone knows about how great Stanford is for Computer Science, how great the weather is and how their campus is so beautiful, but the marching band sets Stanford apart from any other university I have found."

I would have some reservation about putting "everyone," because everyone may not know. :) You could say that Stanford is famous for XYZ, but saying that everyone knows might be a little pretentious both for you and Stanford. Just to be safe :)

Otherwise, nice voice! It is definitely entertaining and engaging!
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Ford demolished a pole" -Common Application ESSAY; the perils of parallel parking [3]

Nice story. I have a comment though:
"between failure and success, the difference between me riding a bike or driving a Mustang."
When someone reads this, he might think that you think that bike = failure and Mustang = success, or something trivial like that. I'm sure you're just adding that for humor, but the unaware reader might be suspicious that your definition of success may not be that profound. Just a thought. :)

Otherwise, the story is pretty nice. Another suggestion is that you could more develop your main thesis throughout the story instead of leaving the explanation for the conclusion paragraph.
Nov 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mathematics in Poetry" - My Response To This Math Quote [4]

"The true spirit of delight... is to be found in mathematics as surely as poetry." (Bertrand Russell). What would my response be?

You should cut this out and reword the following sentence. Instead, I think you should try to allude to the quote elsewhere without explicitly restating the quote.

"describing exactly how I feel withabout math"

"The quote means that a person can find happiness in math like one would a poem."
Again, this seems a little bland. Try to incorporate the quote itself instead of saying "the quote means..." Maybe:
A person can find the true spirit of delight in a math problem as one would find in a poem.

"The quote tries to explainLike a poet, I attain the sense of challenge when the equation is presented to meI confront an equation , a sense of excitement while solvingwhen I am solving it , and a sense of achievement I feel when I foundfind the answer."

Secondly, I agree with Bertrand Russell's quote.

Aren't you already agreeing with the quote? I think you can take this sentence out :)

"Another reason I agree with his quote..."
Again, you should take this kind of stuff out.

Overall, it is ok... You do a nice job of analyzing the quote. However, I feel that you are referring to the quote too much to a point that the essay sound impersonal and generalized. Try to show more how the quote fits uniquely to you. One way to start off is to get rid of all the statements that says "I agree with the quote" or something similar because it become very redundant. Once is enough. Use that space to instead show how to you math is like poetry in that it offers exhilaration upon discovering to solution.

Good luck!
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am human" - Common App supplement [5]

" After all, people are essentially the same no matter where they live, aren't they?"
I would have some reservation about having this in the essay... it seems a little pessimistic (or can seem) to the reader... try rewording that.

"What exactly defines race and nationality anyway? Some imaginary lines drawn on a map? Hardly something to brag about. After all, people are essentially the same no matter where they live, aren't they? And so I began to expand my boundaries once more, until, finally, I came to a conclusion that I could be proud of."

Not to be picky :), but don't have the AO reader's think about this. They have a lot of papers to read, and you can't afford to force them to think to understand your essay. Instead, be more straightforward with what you think defines race and nationality (which are technically defined by those imaginary lines).

This is a good attempt to get at a more novel idea at defining community, but I think it can be better. And as a side note, I think you seem to avoid the second part of the question. What place do you hold in your community? How do you contribute to that community?
Oct 16, 2010
Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

because it doesnt have to be my from my mind

No. It should be from your own mind. You should put the ideas and concepts in your own words. If you aren't capable of doing that, then it only shows you have no idea of what you want to talk about. There is no point of discussing things that you don't understand.
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "to do what you love" - Common App - What is really important for me. [3]

I began to recall that faithfulfateful day

I think that is what you meant :)

"his simple advice, to: be silent. "

to do nothing but wait

Wait for what? This part seems a little unclear...

I like how you end up at the beginning :) May I suggest one thing though? To close the essay into a complete circle, maybe you could end the essay with a scenario exactly like the beginning, imagining how you, in the future, are reminiscing your life as someone else much younger and naive comes to you and asks that same fateful question "Why are you so happy?"

Something like that :) In my opinion, that would make this much more powerful.

Oh! And one more suggestion. You keep the reader here lost at your interpretation of "be silent." As a typical reader, it keeps me thinking, which is a good thing. But as an AO reader, who is reading essay after essay, thinking about the essay's meaning may not be the best thing... I suggest that somewhere in the essay, you be a little more explicit about how you interpreted his advice of being silent. :) Very nice job though!
Oct 16, 2010
Book Reports / Essay - Impulsiveness: Romeo and Juliet [6]

It's been a while since I've read the play. I can help you some though :)
It all depends on what you mean by "impulsiveness."
If you speak about wit, you can use the "debate" in the beginning of the play where someone bites his thumb, etc. There, you can analyze the argument and show that the "better" and wittier one is often the one who is more "impulsive" and quicker at throwing insults back. If you really want to go into this, you can try researching the concept of sprezzatura.

Of course, there's always the kind of impulse that leads to tragic consequences. Don't ignore the main characters just because they are the main characters. They are the protagonists of the play for a reason. USE them in your essay. Write about the dark side of impulsiveness, etc, and the devastating consequences of it. There are many examples of this in the play.
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "hope you like having fun" -a note to future roommate -- Stanford supplemental essay [4]

This is very interesting. Some suggestions:

My name is [Fill in my name], but you can call me whatever you'd like until I get your name down.

What do you mean here? What does your not getting his name down have to do with his calling you whatever he wants?

I have to wake up early, because in Phoenix, waking at seven could mean running in near-hundred-degree weather.

"I used to wake up early because, in Phoenix, seven in the morning meant running in near-hundred-degree weather."

I feel that the first sentence in the second paragraph belongs in the first paragraph, where you talk about names. You can start off the second paragraph with "I love running..."

Other than that, I like calculus or physicist jokes.

Like which ones? It would make your essay stronger if you included a small example.

Other than that, I like calculus or physicist jokes. I drink lots of water for my running. I incessantly have to go to the bathroom (surprise there). I've developed immunity to caffeine from many late nights studying. I write more than I talk, although the balance is starting to swing in the other direction. I draw lots of aliens, though they're supposed to be humans. I get along with almost anyone, and I really look forward to meeting you.

You go through a lot of things here. Others may disagree, but in my opinion, I think you should focus on one thing in this paragraph. Maybe you can talk about your physics jokes, or maybe you can elaborate on your "alien" drawings of humans :) To me, focusing on one thing at a time makes an essay more fluid and easier to read.

If you don't mind, could you take a look at mine?
Oct 16, 2010
Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

We tend to help those who actually try - it doesn't seem that you are trying very hard. Kevin gave you a few tips to start you off, but all you did was copy and paste (we don't know if you know what you are talking about). Unless you start showing at least some effort, our help will be useless to you.
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Here is my most updated version. Please comment and critique it if you see any errors or have any suggestions. Thanks:

The black screen flickered to life. I breathed life into the computer's heart. The neuronal algorithms intricately weaved the cluster of bytes into a fine specimen of euphony as I navigated through the sea of sites and finally docked at YouTube. Anxiously, I awaited the electronic rendition of Dvorak's Violin Concerto.

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke the rosined hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as my ears absorbed the violin's tender melodies. The morning sun dimmed and the atmosphere grayed. I was whisked away to my rural childhood, and my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the dulcet tones subsided, I slowly came into a hopeful realization that the computer, which has always been branded as inanimate and unfeeling, had created this poignant beauty. Since then, I sought to sway emotions by composing my own harmony between music and computers.

After thorough research, I discovered that only Stanford offered not only rigorous education and a beautiful nearby campus, but also the unique musical algorithms I had long-sought. I believe that only through Stanford's Laptop Orchestra (SLOrk) can I hone my programming expertise while composing and producing music near home. Not only will I learn to modify computer software and graphics hardware, but I will also learn to creatively accommodate the variety of tones necessary for sublime digitized music. Through the Orchestra, I can also develop my lyrical talents, contribute to its musical agenda with my own engineered compositions, and improve the Chuck audio language with my programming experience in C++. No other nearby prestigious institution offers this unique opportunity; through Stanford, I can achieve the ultimate electronic euphony.
Oct 12, 2010
Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

I think the best bets are articles of extremely political nature (maybe Wall Street Journal or something like that). Many of the authors use red herrings, etc to mislead their readers.
Oct 12, 2010
Poetry / "I recall your gentle touch" - Poem Corrections [5]

Every poem, like every essay, should still have a "theme" or "main idea." What is the main idea in this essay? You seem to be talking about another person...
Oct 7, 2010
Scholarship / revenue management: two questions for scholarship essays [3]

Try to think of some accomplishments or personal traits that set you up in a positive light. Talk about an experience that you have had that inspired you to pursue RM or an obstacle you overcame in studying RM. Talk about why you want to study RM. This should help you get started on thinking about why you should then receive this scholarship.

Then you can think about how the money will help you pursue your goals/career in RM.
Oct 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Ok. I tried addressing those spots you pointed out, though I had a few questions.

Right here, this is redundant: I plan to become the engineer I aspire to be.

Can you explain? I'm not sure how it is redundant.

Even before I began schooling, my parents beat knowledge into me, infusing me with academic excellence. Over time, I believed that generosity and perseverance were also necessary to fulfill my dream of becoming a successful engineer; engineers must drudge through painstaking labor while sacrificing time to educate others. However, I often found these qualities difficult to attain. Fortunately, I discovered through an aeronautics article an exemplar of my ideals who championed every imaginable obstacle in order to achieve her life dream of becoming an accomplished scientist. Mae Jemison, through her intellectual breadth, determination, and munificence, guided me in the pursuit of my dream.

Jemison often faced racism but remained focused in her studies. Her academic caliber despite such obstacles inspired me to take advantage of my love for math and physics; I enjoy reading science magazines such as Popular Science and competing in math competitions. Her broad knowledge, encompassing engineering, aeronautics and dance, convinced me not only to focus on academics but also art and athletics. Initially I despised rigorous swimming and flute and piano practice, but I eventually grew to love the sport and music; I hosted concerts with a flute ensemble and joined the varsity swim team. By following her well-rounded path, I aspire to pursue swimming, music and engineering in college.

Besides academics, I admired Jemison's steadfast determination. Often, because she was a Black woman, people mocked her for her scientific dreams, but she ignored such petty criticism and persistently sought a scientific career. Her dedication inspired me to disallow anyone to dissuade me from pursuing my passions: when I was young, bullies targeted me for my illness that bleached portions of my skin; although commotion about my skin gradually subsided, when I tried out for the varsity swim team, I was still afraid that others would tease me for my white patches. Through Jemison, I learned to cast away my impeding fears and, despite my illness, to pursue my love for swimming.

After Jemison became well-off, she generously donated to numerous research institutes and tirelessly advocated the spread of education through Third World school programs. Although I was not wealthy or influential enough to help internationally, I wanted to help at least locally. Her charity inspired me to volunteer at a soup kitchen and motivated me to join math circles and online teaching communities to help others achieve the full potential of education. By adhering to Jemison's philosophy of altruism, I learned to acknowledge and improve the plight of the unfortunate through teaching and charity.

Jemison's admirable qualities inspired me to amend my lifestyle and character. Initially, I was overwhelmed by the difficulty to achieve my goals; I often dawdled and procrastinated and, consequently, drifted away from my aspirations. However, through Jemison, I learned to rectify my idling habits and persistently chase my ambition. By adamantly pursuing my passion while serving my community, I established an equilibrium in my life. Through these virtues, despite all obstacles, Mae Jemison achieved her dream and became the scientist she longed to be. By continuing to follow her path, I plan to become that engineer I aspire to be.
Sep 23, 2010
Graduate / applying for Police officer (essay about an policeman carrying an educational book) [3]

Hi to all, i am applying for Police officer,please help me to construct an essay describing an policeman carrying an educational book.

I am confused? What exactly is it that you want? Why do you want to describe a policeman carrying an educational book? And I hope that you are not asking us to write an essay for you.
Sep 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

I still don't think you fully understand. "The sky is the limit" is an idiom that was introduced, I believe, decades ago when there were no airplanes and when people believed there couldn't be airplanes - to them, the sky was indeed the limit. They believed that flying was impossible. However, now, it is obvious that we are past the sky, but we still the idiom grew into Modern English to mean that there is no limit. In other words, is supposed to be another way to say that limits don't exist...

Am I "overreading" this?
Sep 19, 2010
Scholarship / School - healthy lifestyle is a big plus for me [3]

In my opinion, I think the first is better - but it all depends on your thesis. If you want to talk about how healthy lifestyles is paramount to youth, then the second one would be the way to go. However, if you want to broaden the essay to the variety of benefits of healthy choices, I would use the first one and elaborate on it.
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

I was just joking!!!!

Oh - haha! I knew that :P

Thanks for the compliments. This is actually one of three essays (the other two are The Enigma of Success and It's Just a Matter of Time and Intelligence) that I'm using for a scholarship. I wanted to try different styles for each one instead of having all three sound the same.