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Posts by freezard7734
Joined: Aug 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 8, 2010
Threads: 17
Posts: 144  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 161 / page 1 of 5
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freezard7734   
Dec 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "4.5 out of 10" - MIT: something important that didn't go according to plan [8]

Yeah... I'm a bit uneasy about the topic you chose. Also, I'm not exactly sure what happened in the competition to cause the changed in results/etc. You seem to state a problem and then go entirely on a tangent. You should focus on what you did to deal with the "fraud," and how you "managed the situation." You don't seem to answer that question. You need to address what you did to deal with the competition itself, not the math. The problem is the event, not the subject of the event. Do you understand what I mean?

Also, avoiding math because of one mistake/fraud/whatever-you-want-to-call-it in a competition seems to be very superficial, so I would suggest you don't write about that.

Remember, answer the prompt! :)
freezard7734   
Dec 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being an editor" - Common Application Short Answer [4]

you can always go over the limit but it has to be good enough.

Actually, quite the contrary. Do NOT go over the word limit. It is hard (those damn constraints :) but if you do go over the word limit, your response will get cut off, which nobody wants.

This is ok (the last sentence eludes me though - they taught you what?) You need to elaborate on what you learned from the experience. You describe what you do a lot, but you should add details about what you gained from being an editor of a less-than-ideal staff.
freezard7734   
Dec 2, 2010
Research Papers / why did north Korea attack south Korea? [4]

South Korea is a communist country.

You have it all wrong. North Korea is the communist country. You have all the wrong information as well. You had better research more thoroughly before attempting this topic.
freezard7734   
Nov 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Computer science, I want to continue to serve the people" - Why Carnegie Mellon? [2]

Hello World! I was eight years old when I discovered the realm of computer science. Ever since I had found my passion for programming, I strived to understand the logic behind algorithms and code. I loved to translate the problems I encountered daily into C++ programs and Java applets, and I relished the tingling sensation whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world.

As an exhilarating challenge, I developed an interactive program to help my friends balance equations for chemistry class in high school. Whenever I came to a dead end, I would take a break and consult my programming friends. We would sit around a small, isolated desk in a library and discuss the problems with my program and different ways to improve it; the quiet environment was conducive to efficient collaboration, through which I would tackle the program again with fresh ideas. After weeks of coding, recoding, frustration, recoding, and compiling, I finally completed the software. It was my masterpiece, one into which I had poured my efforts and imagination in order to help my class.

In this way, I want to continue to serve the people. At Carnegie Mellon, I can not only broaden my expertise in algorithmics but also learn to apply my newly acquired knowledge to reality through its leading professors. Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. The numerous opportunities to study human-computer interaction will also allow me to explore how I can improve my programs to better serve my community. Furthermore, the School of Computer Science offers a unique fifth year masters program, through which I can more quickly utilize my learned skills for the real world.

Besides its high educational caliber and program, CMU offers countless research opportunities. I once had a privileged chance to experience the exciting environment and challenges of research. During an internship at UC Berkeley, even though my project dealt with fabricating sensors for power cable maintenance, I explored the power of analytical programming while creating models in Mathematica and Matlab. I loved the active participation, experiments and rigor of research. At CMU, I hope to participate in its many research programs such as the Cognitive Tutor Authoring Tools Project and the ground-breaking Artificial Intelligence program and continue to invigorate my passion for computer science.

One thing I didn't like about the Berkeley lab, however, was the lack of a certain concentrated environment; there were so many people of various disciplines that it took me hours to get a programming question completely answered. Fortunately, at Carnegie Mellon, I can experience the focused atmosphere I had been seeking. CMU, unlike most other colleges, has a distinct school set aside just for computer science. With its small size of 150 peers, the School of Computer Science will make group collaboration more personal and accessible. There, I can not only relive the joys of research and computer science but also pursue my goals to serve the people in an environment conducive to focus on my prospective major in Computer Science.
freezard7734   
Nov 28, 2010
Book Reports / Gender roles. I need to shorten this Macbeth essay thesis into one sentence. [3]

I think I have a better one, if Grace doesn't mind :)

Macbeth's and Lady Macbeth's conflict of gender roles, including Lady Macbeth's attempt to fulfill the male roles, leads to their demise both as individuals and as a couple.

I don't understand how Macbeth's living up to the male stereotype can bring as much conflict as Lady Macbeth's going against her own gender role, so I took that part out.
freezard7734   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "to design it my way" - Brown University Supplement Essay [3]

Brown University will provide me with the supplies I need for my future, but will allow me to design it my way.

I kind of agree with Grace. You need to be a little more specific. What kind of supplies/resources does Brown uniquely offer that will help you pursue your goals?

Having my service projects be a big influence on my life, the Swearer Center is an ideal place to work with others and take action.

Small grammar error. "Having my ... life" is describing you, not the Center, so it should instead say
"Having ... life, I can work with others and take action in the ideal environment of the Swearer Center."
Also, you should mention what about the Center makes it ideal.

Hope that helped.
freezard7734   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Scientists investigate, engineers create" - improvisations in the end and beginning [4]

The feeling of a challenging small school environment in one of the largest campuses in the world; and the opportunity to study whatever interests me, even if I am still exploring what I want to bemy interests . This is why I am considering The Ohio State University.

The first sentence is a big, long phrase. You should combine this with the following sentence like:
"Ohio State University offers the feeling of a challenging small school environment and the opportunity the opportunity to study my interests."

The following statements on diversity feels out of place. You start off talking about the challenging environment and the opportunities and all of a sudden talk about diversity...

Overall, I think it is okay. However, I think you should focus more on what you plan on becoming or doing at OSU. How do you plan on using OSU's resources to achieve your dream of becoming an Aerospace Engineer?

Also, I feel that you began to drift focus away from the quote as you progressed through the essay. I'm not sure if that's ok. In my opinion, you should keep the quote alive and fresh and part of your main thesis in the short answer.
freezard7734   
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Excellent computer science professors and diversity" -Allegheny college essay prompt [6]

"They emphasized the excellent computer science professors, and the diversity of the student body. Upon seeing these testimonials I immediately decided to apply."

Yes. I agree with Kevin. You should explain what makes the computer science professors excellent, etc.

""Allegheny's computer science majors understand the theories and concepts behind the technology, and there's almost no limit to the ways in which this broad-based knowledge can be adapted.""

Although I may picky, I'm sure other colleges, such as Berkeley and Carnegie Mellon and MIT, can claim that too. :) (*sigh. I'm having a lot of trouble with this kind of prompts too x.x)

"I want to use the knowledge I acquire to help solve the world's problems."
Explain this. Don't just make a great (and rather pretentious) claim without explaining yourself :) How do you plan on solving the world's problems with comp.sci.? Do you plan on solving every problem - or which ones?

"Computers are the future of the world"
:) Environmentalists often joke that the future is either computers or nothing.
freezard7734   
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "a second generation child in America" - my family and my world [4]

I think its fine, although it partially answer the prompt. It isn't too general (not everyone has split parents and came from a first generation class, etc); however, I feel that you leave out too many details. For example, you make me wonder what it is in junior year that made you realize doing your best is important? You say that being different from everyone else has affected you, but how specifically?

You also need to more directly answer to prompt. What are your dreams and aspirations? Reading this, I didn't get a clear picture of what your ultimate goal is.
freezard7734   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a a royal pain" - Stanford Roommate Essay [7]

You shouldn't use contraction's in formal essays, but this is more of a letter format, more informal. In the end, depending on what the writer wants to do, contractions can be acceptable.
freezard7734   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

"Everyone knows about how great Stanford is for Computer Science, how great the weather is and how their campus is so beautiful, but the marching band sets Stanford apart from any other university I have found."

I would have some reservation about putting "everyone," because everyone may not know. :) You could say that Stanford is famous for XYZ, but saying that everyone knows might be a little pretentious both for you and Stanford. Just to be safe :)

Otherwise, nice voice! It is definitely entertaining and engaging!
freezard7734   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Ford demolished a pole" -Common Application ESSAY; the perils of parallel parking [3]

Nice story. I have a comment though:
"between failure and success, the difference between me riding a bike or driving a Mustang."
When someone reads this, he might think that you think that bike = failure and Mustang = success, or something trivial like that. I'm sure you're just adding that for humor, but the unaware reader might be suspicious that your definition of success may not be that profound. Just a thought. :)

Otherwise, the story is pretty nice. Another suggestion is that you could more develop your main thesis throughout the story instead of leaving the explanation for the conclusion paragraph.
freezard7734   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am human" - Common App supplement [5]

" After all, people are essentially the same no matter where they live, aren't they?"
I would have some reservation about having this in the essay... it seems a little pessimistic (or can seem) to the reader... try rewording that.

"What exactly defines race and nationality anyway? Some imaginary lines drawn on a map? Hardly something to brag about. After all, people are essentially the same no matter where they live, aren't they? And so I began to expand my boundaries once more, until, finally, I came to a conclusion that I could be proud of."

Not to be picky :), but don't have the AO reader's think about this. They have a lot of papers to read, and you can't afford to force them to think to understand your essay. Instead, be more straightforward with what you think defines race and nationality (which are technically defined by those imaginary lines).

This is a good attempt to get at a more novel idea at defining community, but I think it can be better. And as a side note, I think you seem to avoid the second part of the question. What place do you hold in your community? How do you contribute to that community?
freezard7734   
Oct 16, 2010
Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

because it doesnt have to be my from my mind

No. It should be from your own mind. You should put the ideas and concepts in your own words. If you aren't capable of doing that, then it only shows you have no idea of what you want to talk about. There is no point of discussing things that you don't understand.
freezard7734   
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "to do what you love" - Common App - What is really important for me. [3]

I began to recall that faithfulfateful day

I think that is what you meant :)

"his simple advice, to: be silent. "

to do nothing but wait

Wait for what? This part seems a little unclear...

I like how you end up at the beginning :) May I suggest one thing though? To close the essay into a complete circle, maybe you could end the essay with a scenario exactly like the beginning, imagining how you, in the future, are reminiscing your life as someone else much younger and naive comes to you and asks that same fateful question "Why are you so happy?"

Something like that :) In my opinion, that would make this much more powerful.

Oh! And one more suggestion. You keep the reader here lost at your interpretation of "be silent." As a typical reader, it keeps me thinking, which is a good thing. But as an AO reader, who is reading essay after essay, thinking about the essay's meaning may not be the best thing... I suggest that somewhere in the essay, you be a little more explicit about how you interpreted his advice of being silent. :) Very nice job though!
freezard7734   
Oct 16, 2010
Book Reports / Essay - Impulsiveness: Romeo and Juliet [6]

It's been a while since I've read the play. I can help you some though :)
It all depends on what you mean by "impulsiveness."
If you speak about wit, you can use the "debate" in the beginning of the play where someone bites his thumb, etc. There, you can analyze the argument and show that the "better" and wittier one is often the one who is more "impulsive" and quicker at throwing insults back. If you really want to go into this, you can try researching the concept of sprezzatura.

Of course, there's always the kind of impulse that leads to tragic consequences. Don't ignore the main characters just because they are the main characters. They are the protagonists of the play for a reason. USE them in your essay. Write about the dark side of impulsiveness, etc, and the devastating consequences of it. There are many examples of this in the play.
freezard7734   
Oct 16, 2010
Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

We tend to help those who actually try - it doesn't seem that you are trying very hard. Kevin gave you a few tips to start you off, but all you did was copy and paste (we don't know if you know what you are talking about). Unless you start showing at least some effort, our help will be useless to you.
freezard7734   
Oct 12, 2010
Research Papers / logical fallacies (editorials from the news) needed [10]

I think the best bets are articles of extremely political nature (maybe Wall Street Journal or something like that). Many of the authors use red herrings, etc to mislead their readers.
freezard7734   
Oct 12, 2010
Poetry / "I recall your gentle touch" - Poem Corrections [5]

Every poem, like every essay, should still have a "theme" or "main idea." What is the main idea in this essay? You seem to be talking about another person...
freezard7734   
Oct 7, 2010
Scholarship / revenue management: two questions for scholarship essays [3]

Try to think of some accomplishments or personal traits that set you up in a positive light. Talk about an experience that you have had that inspired you to pursue RM or an obstacle you overcame in studying RM. Talk about why you want to study RM. This should help you get started on thinking about why you should then receive this scholarship.

Then you can think about how the money will help you pursue your goals/career in RM.
freezard7734   
Sep 23, 2010
Graduate / applying for Police officer (essay about an policeman carrying an educational book) [3]

Hi to all, i am applying for Police officer,please help me to construct an essay describing an policeman carrying an educational book.

I am confused? What exactly is it that you want? Why do you want to describe a policeman carrying an educational book? And I hope that you are not asking us to write an essay for you.
freezard7734   
Sep 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

I still don't think you fully understand. "The sky is the limit" is an idiom that was introduced, I believe, decades ago when there were no airplanes and when people believed there couldn't be airplanes - to them, the sky was indeed the limit. They believed that flying was impossible. However, now, it is obvious that we are past the sky, but we still the idiom grew into Modern English to mean that there is no limit. In other words, is supposed to be another way to say that limits don't exist...

Am I "overreading" this?
freezard7734   
Sep 19, 2010
Scholarship / School - healthy lifestyle is a big plus for me [3]

In my opinion, I think the first is better - but it all depends on your thesis. If you want to talk about how healthy lifestyles is paramount to youth, then the second one would be the way to go. However, if you want to broaden the essay to the variety of benefits of healthy choices, I would use the first one and elaborate on it.
freezard7734   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

I was just joking!!!!

Oh - haha! I knew that :P

Thanks for the compliments. This is actually one of three essays (the other two are The Enigma of Success and It's Just a Matter of Time and Intelligence) that I'm using for a scholarship. I wanted to try different styles for each one instead of having all three sound the same.
freezard7734   
Sep 19, 2010
Research Papers / scientific paper reference list [6]

Try Googling "IEEE reference format" or something like that. I'm sure you can find information online. You could also ask experts in your field (I'm assuming that you are working with researchers, etc)
freezard7734   
Sep 19, 2010
Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]

Well, first of all, just plain "revenge' is not a thesis. It is a topic, an idea. It's perfectly okay to use revenge as the topic, but for the thesis, saying something about revenge. Make a general statement relating us people and revenge, and find evidence from the story.
freezard7734   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences and Engineering: "I don't know" - JHU supplement [10]

Woah. By now, if "you don't know," it's not a good thing. Hence, I strongly advise against saying that. The last thing AO readers will probably want is someone's essay that does not give strong reason for the writer's choice of that college. Just choose a major. The admissions officers know that people will change their major at least twice, so they will know that your choice is not final. But still, make a choice and elaborate - it will make your essay much stronger and more appealing.
freezard7734   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

Actually, I think you misspelled the sound of lights burning out. Webster's dictionary has it this way, with 4 z's:

Wow. I had no idea that it was actually part of a dictionary. :) Thanks for the information.

Soon, I longed research ways to prevent such disasters. What does this mean?

Woops. A mistake on my part - I meant to say: "Soon, I longed to research ways of preventing such disasters."
freezard7734   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

Just to let you know, you are sometimes using the semi-colon in place of a comma.

Yeah. That was one mistake. I had an older version that had two sentences connected with the semicolon, and I ended up changing it to one sentence as shown. I just forgot to change the semicolon to a comma -.-

The fast rule of thumb, so to speak, with respect to the semi-colon is to use it very infrequently, if at all.

Actually, I have to disagree. Semicolon are generally used to connect two sentences fluidly where using an 'and' or another conjunction would seem cumbersome.
freezard7734   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

naively (not sure this word is necessary)

Well... if I left it out... actually, you are right. Now that I read it again, I feel that it is unnecessary. :)
Thanks!

the first time I read this I wasn't sure "which" case you meant - do you mean the exterior of the game? Like the face place? If so maybe you could use the word "body" - that would fit with your theme

Hmmm. I see. I'll use "body" to be a little clearer.

(is morbid the word you want? Here are some synonyms for morbid [which don't make sense with the context you're using]: ghoulish, macabre, unhealthy, gruesome, unwholesome

Well... I wanted something that meant "still as death" and morbidly fits fine here.

did you attend school? Internship? What is Berkeley?

Right. I forgot to be more specific here.
freezard7734   
Sep 15, 2010
Research Papers / effects the australian gold rush had on the economy [3]

Well, just simply asking for help like that may not give you useful results. First of all, have you research this topic? If not, that should be your very first step. Find everything you can about the Australian gold rush. Then organize the facts and analyze the details and find out how the gold rush affected the global economy.
freezard7734   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

I spent a long time trying to formulate this analogy ><. I hope it fits alright.

Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you.500 words)

My Electronic Surgery



Surgery is the way! When I received my first Gameboy, it became my closest companion, and I caressed every scratch I found. One day, in the middle of an intense Pokemon battle, the screen faded. Scared, I demanded my dad to revive it. As my dad dissected the body, I witnessed my first transplant of the heart that my dad called "batteries." Once he sealed the incision, I eagerly snatched my friend and switched it on, and to my utmost relief, it flickered to life! I was grateful for my dad's valiant salvation of my dying friend; he inspired me to become a hero like him and save electronic appliances and its users from devastation.

Boom!

Years later, in the distance, I heard an explosion and saw a fire flare from the asphalt road.

Zzyzx!

The neighborhood suddenly died; lights flickered out. Everything stood morbidly still. A power surge had occurred. For hours, darkness dragged on, and I grew restless. Why couldn't the electric company prevent this disaster? Why are the blowout-cleanups taking forever? No one could offer me answers; since that night, I have decided to take matters into my own hands.

I explored power and discovered the captivating magic of electricity. Its ability to deliver power over thousands of miles baffled my imagination; yet, it had its drawbacks: it often degraded the imperfect materials of the cable, causing power failure and costly explosions. Soon, I longed research ways to prevent such disasters. Fortunately, a Berkeley internship offered me a unique opportunity to investigate the underground vessels that fueled our homes with life.

There, I beheld the ugliest cable. Its skin was ravaged with nasty burns; its core was rotten with rust. It was hopelessly dead. However, I remembered my father's heroism and grew determined to study this cadaver for future good.

Surgery is the way! My mentor and I amputated the mutilated cables and hacked at the silicone skin until we reached the copper veins. We dissected every layer and scrutinized the plastic membranes and aluminum arteries. With multi-meter probes, we analyzed the conditions of each segment until we discovered the culprit of the bane of the cable: the cable suffered the lack of degradation detection.

We knew just the right remedy: sensors would detect cable corrosion and alert the people of impending disaster. Together, we investigated the versatility of electrical sensors and prescribed the dimensions and material of potential models. After weeks of rigorous experimentation and calculations, we formulated our final product: interdigitated copper capacitors. With these sensors, scientists can prevent annoying blackouts, and people will no longer drudge through power outages and prolonged periods of expensive explosion-cleanups.

Although have yet to achieve my father's glorious status, I had succeeded in my first surgical endeavor! My success is by no means final though; scientists will still have to manually replace cables. Can we go further and develop sensors that will repair degrading cables? I hope my research will inspire this search for the ultimate, flawless power system.

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