/ Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence
Ok. I tried addressing those spots you pointed out, though I had a few questions.
Right here, this is redundant: I plan to become the engineer I aspire to be.
Can you explain? I'm not sure how it is redundant.
Even before I began schooling, my parents beat knowledge into me, infusing me with academic excellence. Over time, I believed that generosity and perseverance were also necessary to fulfill my dream of becoming a successful engineer; engineers must drudge through painstaking labor while sacrificing time to educate others. However, I often found these qualities difficult to attain. Fortunately, I discovered through an aeronautics article an exemplar of my ideals who championed every imaginable obstacle in order to achieve her life dream of becoming an accomplished scientist. Mae Jemison, through her intellectual breadth, determination, and munificence, guided me in the pursuit of my dream.
Jemison often faced racism but remained focused in her studies. Her academic caliber despite such obstacles inspired me to take advantage of my love for math and physics; I enjoy reading science magazines such as Popular Science and competing in math competitions. Her broad knowledge, encompassing engineering, aeronautics and dance, convinced me not only to focus on academics but also art and athletics. Initially I despised rigorous swimming and flute and piano practice, but I eventually grew to love the sport and music; I hosted concerts with a flute ensemble and joined the varsity swim team. By following her well-rounded path, I aspire to pursue swimming, music and engineering in college.
Besides academics, I admired Jemison's steadfast determination. Often, because she was a Black woman, people mocked her for her scientific dreams, but she ignored such petty criticism and persistently sought a scientific career. Her dedication inspired me to disallow anyone to dissuade me from pursuing my passions: when I was young, bullies targeted me for my illness that bleached portions of my skin; although commotion about my skin gradually subsided, when I tried out for the varsity swim team, I was still afraid that others would tease me for my white patches. Through Jemison, I learned to cast away my impeding fears and, despite my illness, to pursue my love for swimming.
After Jemison became well-off, she generously donated to numerous research institutes and tirelessly advocated the spread of education through Third World school programs. Although I was not wealthy or influential enough to help internationally, I wanted to help at least locally. Her charity inspired me to volunteer at a soup kitchen and motivated me to join math circles and online teaching communities to help others achieve the full potential of education. By adhering to Jemison's philosophy of altruism, I learned to acknowledge and improve the plight of the unfortunate through teaching and charity.
Jemison's admirable qualities inspired me to amend my lifestyle and character. Initially, I was overwhelmed by the difficulty to achieve my goals; I often dawdled and procrastinated and, consequently, drifted away from my aspirations. However, through Jemison, I learned to rectify my idling habits and persistently chase my ambition. By adamantly pursuing my passion while serving my community, I established an equilibrium in my life. Through these virtues, despite all obstacles, Mae Jemison achieved her dream and became the scientist she longed to be. By continuing to follow her path, I plan to become that engineer I aspire to be.