Writing Feedback / GRE Issue -should imaginative courses be required ? [2]

Hi all, I just wrote this essay so please take a look at it and leave me any comments you like ! Thanks.

Prompt:
In order to become well-rounded individuals, all college students should be required to take courses in which they read poetry, novels, mythology, and other types of imaginative literature.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

The statement arguing about an individual's well-roundedness tries to address the necessity in taking imaginative literature classes. Surely these classes have been beneficial for college students' as they can broaden their horizon and potentiate their creativity. The poetry or novel classes may even pique students' interest in subjects outside their fields of study. However, it is not necessary for all the students to take these classes in order to be well-rounded and versatile, since some of these classes can be indeed a waste of time. A closer inspection reveals that, in order to be well-rounded, taking imaginative classes is not the only way.

Universities around the nation have devoted time and money in developing imaginative courses, in the hope that students can be versatile with interests in fields other than their own. A poetry or novel course may impart students with unprecedented knowledge about special writing skills or new ways of critical thinking. However, as these courses are established in college academics, some of them can be quite time-consuming. This may have a negative effect on students majoring in science and engineering. For these students, a great amount of time has to be spent on learning engineering concept or research. As imaginative courses often require intensive writing assignments, mandatory addiction of these courses may consume their energy more rapidly. On the other hand, if they slack off on these imaginative courses in order to have more time on their own major, their grades would be at stake, and this is detrimental to most engineering students' academic excellence. As a result, these imaginative classes should be chosen in accord with one's own interest, rather than being enforced into a student's academic life.

On the other hand, one may argue that students would lack knowledge in humanity or become less well-rounded if these courses are not required. While an individual's versatility is as important as his/her knowledge in their own field of study, taking imaginative courses is not the only way to be well-rounded. A student can choose to read novel in his/her free time without being interfered by compulsory writing homework or projects. In this way, students can focus on their major study without been preoccupied by these imaginative courses. Another example includes going to museum or seeing imaginative films, which is also a plausible way of developing individuals' well-roundedness. Therefore, although imaginative courses may be beneficial in developing students' versatility, it is only a recommendation, rather than a must, to take these courses.

In addition, taking imaginative courses have even negative effect on a student. What if a student, who takes no interest in these areas, is forced to take these courses? He/she would probably become frustrated, which would exacerbate his/her grades and even cause mental problems. Even if a student has interest in imaginative literature, he/she may not get used to the teaching method or the amount of workload. For example, a student with interest in imaginative literature may enjoy writing imaginative stories in his/her free time. However, if he/she takes classes about this subject, he/she is likely to be forced to finish onerous writing assignments in class. This sometimes would unfortunately extirpate their interest in imaginative literature.

In conclusion, imaginative literature courses are playing an indispensable role in college academics. Taking these courses can cultivate a student's spirit and make them better-rounded. However, imaginative courses should only be recommended, rather than required, since they can be time-consuming and not the only way to make a person be well-rounded.

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Task--recommendation on opening a cafe store [2]

Hi all, I'm currently practicing writing the GRE argument task. Here is the one I just finished. I'm not sure how to properly "explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation". Anyway, please leave me any feedback you like. Thanks!

Prompt:
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

My response:

It might seem true, at the first glance, that Monarch Books should open a café store to attract more people and maintain its good reputation; however, the author fails to make a logically convincing argument for his recommendation. While it is understandable that a café store may initially pique people's interest in visiting the bookstore, the argument is rife with untenable assumptions that fail to be further addressed.

Stating that Monarch Books enjoys a decent business due to its selection of books, the author assumes that it is the store's wide selection of books that maintains its large customer base. However, he does not explain how the selection of book keeps attracting a large number of customers. A wide selection of books may only attract people with various social backgrounds, but it does not make sure the number of customer is large. The author should answer the question regarding how large the number of customers is in a certain period in order to better defend his argument. The fact that a large customer influx occurs in the store would persuade his readers into believing that the selection of books has led to a large customer base.

Secondly, the author asserts that opening a store can attract more customers, but he fails to consider other factors that may affect the store's business. It may be true for a café store to be attractive at first; however, what if the price of the coffee is too high? If the price of the coffee in the store is set to be unaffordable to most customers, opening store does not necessarily help boost Monarch Books business. Even if the store does keep an average coffee price, it is also possible for the taste of the coffee to be insipid and fail to attract customers. On the other hand, even though the café does succeed in attracting more people, opening a store may even cause a decline in the customer base for the bookstore. The presence of people in the café can make the environment noisy. For readers expecting a silent reading environment, they can be distracted by the noise produced by the café store and thus become unsatisfied with Monarch Books, which would affect its business. To strengthen the argument, we need to make sure that readers are fine with a café store nearby and the majority of his customers prefer a café store to be built. A café store with a strong customer support can be used as stronger evidence in supporting the recommendation.

In addition, the author suggests removing the children's book section for the café store due to a decline in the population below 10. However, he may have falsely assumed that the children's section is mainly visited by children below 10. It is also possible for this section to be popular with children above 10. For example, if the children's section is selling books on video games, than it actually attracts a lot of teenagers. Therefore, the close of this section can even exacerbate Monarch Books' business. To support the argument, the author needs to make a survey on the age range of the people visiting the children's section. If the majority turns out to be below 10, the author then can mention this evidence in his recommendation.

Lastly, the author believes opening a café would increase Monarch Books' competitiveness against another store which also runs a café. However, these is a lack of concrete connection between the café store and the competitiveness. If the other store is run by much more experienced staff, or the other store is at a noticeable location, it has an advantage of attracting more customers than the Monarch's café store. In this case, the Monarch's café may experience a customer loss and a business decrease. Therefore, the author needs to answer the question which store is more capable of attracting customer. To support his recommendation, he should explain why his café store is superior over the other.

While a prestigious and long-lasting bookstore is enjoying its popularity among the public, the opening of a café store does not necessarily boost the bookstore's business. The author, who dogmatically states the necessity of opening a café store, needs to collect more sound evidence in supporting his recommendation.

Letters / Email (letter) to professors about doing research with them [4]

Hi all, I'm a student from UIUC and I'm trying to apply for some research assistant positions in my department. I'm now struggling with how to properly email my professors for inquiry about the availability of these positions. Can anyone help me? Here is one of these emails I've written:

Dear Dr. xxx :

This is xxx and I'm a junior in the Department of Civil and Environmental Engineering. I've recently visited your research website and I'm interested in some of your computational mechanics research projects. Therefore, I would like to seek some research assistant opportunities to assist your team and gain relevant experiences. Are there currently any undergraduate positions available in your team? Am I allowed to apply for them? If not, would you mind recommending some other faculties to me to contact with?

Looking forward for your reply,

Regards,

xxx

I'm trying to be as modest as possible so that I won't offend my professors.

Any suggestions are welcome, thanks a lot!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Smoking should not be promitted in restaurants or other public places [9]

Hi everyone, I'm sorry for posting my toefl essays here again and again, but I will take the exam next week and I really need some feedbacks on my practice or some prediction on my performence, so please take a look at it. Thanks a lot !!

Prompt:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Smoking should not be promitted in restaurants and state laws that prohibit it should be upheld.
Use examples and specific reasons to support your position.

My response:
Smoking brings a person great enjoyment and relief; however, one should not be encouraged to smoke as the cost of other people's health. In this case, I advocate the idea that smoking should be prohibited in restaurants as well as other public places, and that we should support states laws to ban it; because smoking not only damages the restaurant's environment, but also imposes a potential threat on others' health.

First of all, although it is too strong to assert that smoking should be prohibited everywhere in the society, one smoking in a restaurant is considered to enjoy his time with the ignorance of others' health. It is generally believed that, the second-hand smoke, which comes from the smoker's mouth, puts an even greater threat on surrounding people's health than the smoker himself. For example, if there is only one person smoking in a restaurant, all others will smoke unconsciously and their health is under attacked. This is because some burned substance in a cigarette can easily deteriorate a person's respiratory system after he/she inhales it. Therefore, smoking in restaurants should be strictly banned because it makes the restaurant a polluted place which threatens every customer's health.

Furthermore, even though some customers do not worry about the threat that second-hand smoke imposes on them, the disgusting smoke will severely affect their appetite, or, in other words, spoil their meals and make them an unpleasant experience. The smoke exhaled from the smoker often makes other people feel uncomfortable or disgusted, thus affecting their mood in having their meals. This, on the other hand, can indirectly decrease the restaurants' popularity because fewer people are willing to consume there due to their unpleasant experiences.

Lastly, smoking does no good to the smoker himself. Not only does it aggravate his health, making him more subject to respiratory diseases, but also it damages his public image and reputation. This is especially true when the smoker is a popular political figure or an entertainmening celebrity, because most people see smoking in restaurants as an impolite human behavior. At this point, the public are likely to believe that the smoker lacks basic civility and should not be encouraged to be a public leader.

To conclude, smoking in a restaurant is a harmful and disrespectable behavior. It spoils the smoker's reputation and threats other people's health. Therefore, it is unwise to smoke in a restaurant as well as other public places, and relevant state laws should be codified to strictly prohibit it.

I know this topic is quite easy but I just wanted to use it as a confidence-builder.
Thanks in advance for your comments!!

Writing Feedback / Making efforts to ask questions inspires students to thinks critically [5]

Hi everyone, here is my TOEFL essay I wrote for practicing. Can anyone take a look at it and give your comments? And, as always, I will appreciate it if you can mainly focus on its structure and organization.

Thank you very much!

Here it is:
(Prompt)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Teacher should encourage their students to question everything.
Use examples and reasons to support your position.
My response:
Every school is an educational system that involves both learning and teaching activities. It is generally believed that teachers should encourage their students to learn creatively. However, should teacher allow his/her students to question everything? In terms of teaching and learning efficiency, I advocate the idea that student should feel free to ask their instructors everything in the classroom, because this is one of the most effective ways of absorbing knowledge for students and delivering teaching content for teachers.

First of all, as a class usually contains many students, it is required that everyone should be dynamic and interested in the course topics in order to learn something useful. In fact, allowing student to ask whatever they like will easily attain this goal; for example, a student will be highly motivated either by himself or other classmates who ask questions. This is because the class, consisting of different kinds of kids, is a whole part and those extroverts who ask questions will encourage the introvert to become active in the class. Therefore, if everyone is allowed to ask everything, the learning activities will undergo efficiently enough and everyone can learn the required knowledge.

Furthermore, by allowing his/her student to question everything they are curious about, the instructor can teach with greater efficiency and easily accomplish the course objectives. For example, if a student's question is so complicated that it perplexes the teacher; the teacher will probably modify the teaching content in order to make it more comprehensive. Also, allowing asking any questions will enhance the interaction between teachers and students, which can contribute to both the teacher's teaching enthusiasm and student's creativity. Asking questions forces students to think on their own, and this acts as a crucial role in developing critical thinking skills.

Finally, although if students are allowed to ask whatever they want, there is likely to be some digressions as students may distract from the topic they are discussing. However, this should not be an issue because the teacher is the person who can guide students in a class. By giving students proper encouragement or criticism, students can be focus on the subject as the teacher demands.

In conclusion, a successful interaction between students and teachers requires the efforts from both the two. For student, making efforts to ask questions inspires them to thinks critically and boosts their ingenuity. For teachers, allowing asking whatever question makes their teaching more intriguing. Therefore, it should be encouraged that students can question everything in class.

I'm not a native speaker so sorry for my poor language..

Please give your feedbacks, thanks a lot!!!

Undergraduate / "the vice Minister" - My leadership experience-Common App [4]

Hi everyone, this is my common app short answer and can someone help me proofread it? I really have no ideas how to shorten it down since I am exceeding the limit by 50 words...

Please give your comments and me shorten it. THANKS A LOT!!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
My leadership potential was sparked during my freshman year at Southeast University, China, where I joined English Corner and was elected the vice Minister. At first I realized that, as a leader, the first thing one should do is to build trust among team members; I held parties for my club through which everyone became united. During the preparation period for an activity, I worked on designing a plan, taking successive team meetings in which we discussed how this activity should flow. Also, I was responsible for instructing new team members to handle difficult tasks like hosting and decorating. During the activities I was in charge of directing each team member, and it was through solving emergent issues that my ingenuity as a leader was largely enhanced. Among our club activities stood out an English song singing competition-Musical Night in which we invited both students and faculties to attend. It turned out to be the most successful club activity I had ever organized.

Without a doubt, my leadership experience in English Corner at Southeast University was well worth. Not only did I obtain the essential qualities of a good leader: dedication, reliability and productivity, but also my enthusiasm and knowledge as a leader was significantly enriched.

All feedbacks are welcome, thanks!!

Undergraduate / (Civil Engineering) + (my academic criteria) - Virginia Tech Personal Statements [5]

Hello everyone, these are my two personal statements of Virginia Tech. I'm looking for some advice on how to improve them, especially for the first one which has exceeded the limit by about 17 words.

Please don't hesitate to give your feedbacks/comments. Thanks a lot!!!

Here are my essays:
Prompt #1: What are the top five reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech?(250 words maximum)
There are several reasons why I would like to transfer to Virginia Tech. With the great passion in Civil Engineering, I want to become an environmental engineer and I believe that Virginia Tech can perfectly support my professional goal. First of all, its developed and highly-ranked Engineering programs will instill in me practical skills with social responsibilities of a real engineer. Typically, the program of Environmental and Water Resources Engineering at VT is my dreamed field. Also, the prestigious educational system at Virginia Tech will place me on a pinnacle where I can fully explore my academic potential; this includes the high faculty-student ratio which will encourage me to take initiatives to interact with both my peers and professors. In addition, VT provides rich career services like Cooperative Education and Undergraduate Research, which will truly helpful in guiding me to better transit into my future career. Furthermore, VT's inclusive communities and its rural setting have created a pure and inspiring learning ambience, under which I will be motivated to pursue my academic excellence with great satisfaction. Finally, the academic preparation I have made at Saint Louis University also strengthens my confidence to transfer. I have utilized the resources to obtain fundamental knowledge of my major and achieve some excellence. However, it is my assertion that I can do much better. As Civil Engineering at SLU is newly-founded department with limited academic resources, I have decided that I need a more demanding academic environment where I can optimize my academic excellence more successfully. Transferring to VT will give me opportunities to achieve my goals and contribute to society. (267 words)

Prompt #2: If there is something you think would be beneficial for the Admissions Committee to know as we review your academic history, please take this opportunity to explain. (250 words maximum)

I would like the Admissions Committee to be aware of my academic criteria. I performed unsatisfactorily in my course work at Southeast University, China, but I did not stay where I was; since then, I have made great progress, which made me believe that it is the progress I have made rather than the scores I once got that could represent my true academic achievements.

During the first semester at SEU, I struggled with the rigorous courses and became stressed out. Although strenuous efforts were made, I obtained unsatisfactory scores in the finals. Frustrated as I was, I saw this experience as a chance to improve myself. In the next semester, I focused on polishing my study methods. Although I again did not get very high scores in the finals, I made great progress. As I am currently attending Saint Louis University, I am utilizing those methods and my coursework is going smoothly with good results in the finals.

Overall, I am capable of taking advantage of my failures to build up my final success. My bad GPA at SEU persuaded me that I still needed to improve myself. Also, I believe that progress often starts with allowing me to fail the first time, and my true potential can be best demonstrated by the progress I have made. Therefore, there is no way that I will let my previous poor course performance hold me back, and there is no way that I will stop making progress and exceeding my limits. (250 words)

Please be critic, THANKS!!

Letters / Education /Activities / Work, Volunteer / Honors / Skils / Interest - Resume of UMICH [5]

Hi all, I've just finished my resume in UMICH transfer supplement. Can anyone help me proofread it? Do I need to add anything else ? And is it necessary to add a statement of objective at the head ?

Thank you all in advance!!

Here it goes:

Mingwei Hu
xxxxxxxxxxxx
xxx-xxx-xxxx
xxx@gmail.com
________________________________________
Education
Hainan Guokeyuan Experimental Middle School, Haikou, China. 2003.09-2009.06
Class Rank: 5%
Southeast University, Nanjing, China. 2009.06-2010.07
Saint Louis University, Saint Louis,USA 2010.08-Present
GPA: 3.78

Extracurricular Activities
-Vice Minister of English Corner, Southeast University, 2010
Held school activities related to English learning.
-Member of Computer club, Southeast University, 2009
Attended activities such as C++ programming and Photoshop Contest
-Psychology Committee of Class #1, School of Civil Engineering, Southeast University,2010
Worked on helping classmates get rid of their Psychological vexation
-Member of Civil Engineering student club, Saint Louis University, 2010
-Organizer of "One dime" donation fair. 2009.12
-The host of singing competition "Musical Night" in Southeast University. 2010.05

Work / Volunteer Experience
-Physical Education instructor in Xingzhi Club, Southeast University. 2009.10-2010.01

Honors / Awards
-2010 Southeast University 3rd place in 2010 National English Contest for College Student
-2010 Southeast University 3rd place in 2010 National College English Test Band 4
- 2010.08-present: Saint Louis University, Jesuit Transfer Scholarship
-2006-2009: Hainan Guokeyuan Experimental Middle School, Full Scholarship

Skills
Knowledgeable in Microsoft Office(Word, Excel, Powerpoint) and Adobe Flash
Programming Skills in C, C++, Maple and MATLAB
Sketching Skills in AutoCAD
Speaks Chinese

Interests/Hobbies
Playing guitar(1 year)
Cooking (6 years)
Swimming (10 years)

Undergraduate / "China, The community I belong to"-UMICH essay [9]

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice on how to improve my UMICH essay. It is about community and I think my essay is a little weak. Also, do you think that I should shorten it a little bit ?

Please comment or revise my essay, thank you in advance !

Prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

Here is my essay:

"What cannot be achieved in one lifetime will happen when one lifetime is joined to another." Harold Kushner's words remind me that a community can join people together who share the same beliefs. I believe that I belong to a community where people are interested in doing volunteer works to help those underprivileged in the society. People in this community believe that everyone is born equal, and they deserve equal love and care. Working in this community has made me realize my responsibility as an individual, and it provides me with the opportunity to explore my life and realize my personal value.

In my community, I place myself as a dynamic member who is pleased to work with his peers to help others create a better studying environment. When attending Southeast University, China, I got involved in a student volunteer club called Xingzhi whose name meant "spreading love and care to everyone in the world". I became a PE teacher at a rural primary school where teaching resources were in a great deficiency, and I was given the chance to witness the reality that there were still a considerable number of people who lived in poverty. However, with the spirit my community propagated, I was geared up to help the children in need. I researched into the teaching materials with a couple of my peers; and we taught the children to do essential physical exercises and some sports such as Ping Pong and Tai Chi. Eventually, I was able to encourage the children to participate, suceeding in teaching organized classes with well-behaved students.

My teaching experience has prepared me with the understanding and enthusiasm to help the underprivileged in our society, which was also the spirit of Xingzhi. It was a community where I could volunteered to help others with my interest accommodated. Without a doubt, I belong to a community of kind-hearted volunteers, and it is my sincere hope that I can continue dedicating myself in a community like Xingzhi in my future school.

(335 words)

Please be critic, and feel free to give your advice. THANKS!!

I'm not a native speaker so sorry for my poor language.
Anyway, any feedbacks are welcome! Thank you.