Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: "I thought I was in hell" [5]

Personally, I think the idea behind your essay is very strong, but it doesn't flow too well. Try reading what you wrote out loud, and you might see what I mean. In personal essays like these, you should try and make your tone conversational. Also, make your beginning sentence really reach out and grab some attention! The beginning sets the tone for the essay as a whole, and shouldn't be so wordy. For example, it doesn't really help the essay to know that Camp Whitsett in Kern Valley, or that you went there in 2004. Cut the extra info and edit it after reading out loud and I genuinely think you have a winner.

Undergraduate / Peer pressure - just finished my first UC essay. Have some questions about topic. [5]

The topic is up to you. It's good that you are trying to think creatively, just make sure that you are able to write about your topic comfortably. Also, the ending you have is fine, but it's hard to know for sure unless I can read the rest of the essay. Why not post it on here?

Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

Thank you very much. You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Now for the other 4...

Undergraduate / Peer pressure - just finished my first UC essay. Have some questions about topic. [5]

I posted an essay on here. This site is only here to help other students find some critique, and it's not like you're making money from your admissions essays.

Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

I understand where you are coming from on that, but it's kind of an inside joke with the band. Whenever they are being announced, it's tradition to pause right after the "Junior"

Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

I'll run it by my English Teacher and see what she says. I thought it might show that I did a little research, but I understand your point also. Thanks again for taking the time to read it though.

Undergraduate / "The Gift of Perception" Rice University Entrance Essay [8]

This is extremely good. The tone of your essay is very well put together, and a little dark. I think that this will help your essay really stand out as something unique and truely worthy of acceptance. Your answer, however, isn't totally clear. The essay describes yourself brillantly, but I think you should elaborate a bit more on what you can bring to Rice other than what you put in the conclusion. How does being able to embrace the dark side of the world make you unique, and why would that make Rice want you? I think if you add a little bit more on the conclusion to strengthen your ending point, this is a serious winner.

Good luck to you my friend!
-Mitch

Undergraduate / "My world" - how can I distinguish myself from other applicants.. [3]

I think that if you can even loosely tie your topic to the prompt, you should write about wanting to be a detective because it makes you much more interesting as a person. Lots of people are in your situation, but not many people have the dream to be a detective. If you talk about what influenced you to be a detective, like what you wrote above, you will stand a much better chance of being accepted in my opinion.

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

Yeah, I understand what your saying. I'll see if I can focus my topic a little more, because it's more about the creation of A.I in general. I'll rewrite it and see what I can come up with. Thanks!

Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

Thank you for your time! I think I agree. I'll rewrite this one to include some of the other changes mentioned.

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

Alright. Working on it now. Thank you for your critique!

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

Okay, I rewrote the second paragraph, and some of the intro. Let me know if you can find something else I can do to make the essay more focused and concise. Thanks again to anyone that will read my work!

Undergraduate / "going to prom-a Zombie Prom" - Tulane Personal Statement, experience [10]

I think the essay has a lot of potential, but you didn't answer the prompt in the way you need to. Spend some more time describing what about theater is special to you, not how you got into it; especially since that is mostly irrelevant to the essay. Also, really make the ending come out and punch the reader! The way it is now isn't too impressive...

Sorry if I sound a little harsh. I'm in band, and if there's one thing I've learned from music, it's that you can't improve off good criticism. Good luck!

Grammar, Usage / "The name of the product ..." - Revising a sentence in essay? [4]

Try something like, "It's just like saying 'dictionary,' but you stop before the 'ary' and repeat."

Hope this helps, you've come up with a doozie there. Are you sure it's necessary to include this piece of information in the essay?

Undergraduate / "From Toronto to NJ, I established my place in society" - Rutgers Essay [6]

I think you need to try and answer the prompt better. Your tone and writing style are very good. You used great imagery, and wrote a consistent, cohesive essay, but all you did was list a bunch of events. Try to explain better what you will bring to Rutgers, not just how you fit in there.

Undergraduate / "going to prom-a Zombie Prom" - Tulane Personal Statement, experience [10]

It may be okay to keep some of those events. I would especially put down the part about moving in from South Korea, just cut out the "fluff."

Undergraduate / Foundations of Journalism / Middle ages - NYU academic areas of study [8]

It's definitely not bad. Especially since you only get 500 characters (And I thought Stanford's 250 word essays were bad...) That being said, I don't think the intro fits. I can tell that you were just trying to start it off somehow, and I don't see how it connects to the rest of the answer. Make the intro fit the rest better, and you're golden with this one.

Undergraduate / "Gunpoint; God had answered my prayers" -UC prompt 2 [5]

Okay, I hate to have to say this, but you may want to consider rewriting this. Tell the story with as much imagery as you possibly can. Make the whole scene vivid and scary. Then you need to discuss how the event relates to who you are in more than just the conclusion. Since it looks like you have a lower word limit, I would use half the essay to describe the event, and the other half to how it has made you stronger as a person.

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this, but an admissions essay is where this horrible experience is actually going to help you out quite a bit. This is something that will set you apart, so put your best foot forward in writing about it.

Good Luck to you!

Undergraduate / "From Toronto to NJ, I established my place in society" - Rutgers Essay [6]

Look at the prompt again,

"Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? "

Until the conclusion, you hadn't answered either of these, and you didn't really explain either of them. This is a personal essay, I think you may be getting it confused with a personal narrative. Really go into detail about how you are going to benefit from going to Rutgers, and how they are going to benefit from having you. You seem like a very strong writer, so just take a little while to brainstorm the last 2 paragraphs again and come back at it. If that doesn't work, then you may need to rewrite it. Whatever you do, just make sure your answer to the prompt is clear and concise.

Undergraduate / "Gunpoint; God had answered my prayers" -UC prompt 2 [5]

I mean descriptive words, not just what you saw. What did you hear, smell, and feel? If that doesn't help you, try bringing by your English teacher and asking for help. He/she might be able to better explain what the essay needs better than I can.

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

Thank you for your input. I'm afraid I really don't have the room to make any more additions. The word limit is 250 words, and if I remember right, this one cuts it pretty close. Do you have any other comments as to the content of the essay? I really just want to know if you found it interesting enough, and if you think it will stand out, though any input is appreciated :)

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

Alright. Thanks! I may change it to say "us computer geeks" though. I'm trying to major in Computer Science, so that's kinda what I meant to say, but I didn't catch it so thanks for pointing that out.

Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

Thanks everyone. This is the first time I managed to get a draft of this essay out without rereading it and deleting everything, but I agree it is somewhat bland. I'll try rewriting some of it and see what happens.

Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

Alright, I rewrote the second paragraph and touched up the conclusion. For comaparison, here is the original:
...

And the revised version:

Navigation has never been my strong point. I just mastered my way around my high school, and now that I'm moving to a new school, in a new city, I really hope you're a local. Any directions you try to give me ...

(250 words)

Thanks again for reading, let me know what you think, and remember to be honest!

Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

Hmmm. This all makes things difficult. I will see if I can combine the two in some way without making some kind of frankenessay.

Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

After having my mom read both versions, I decided to go with the original version. She said that it captured my voice better, so I think that'll work. This is (hopefully) my final version. Please read and let me know any more thoughts you might have. Thanks as always!

P.S. I wasn't kidding about getting lost. Keep the phone charged if you ever want to see me again.

(249 words)

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay..interests, their evolution, and How Cornell.."Med Research Mecca" [6]

Well, I can definitely tell that you are a good writer, but your essay has some fundamental problems. I saw that you are intellectually engaged in medicine, but I didn't see too much about how your interests have evolved. I think the admissions officers want to read a paradigm shift; something that occurred and changed your view on something. Even if that's not the case, you need to develop your essay a little better, because in its present state, it seems pretty bland. Also, remove some of the uncertainty in your paper.



Spend some time revising the content, and I think you will do just fine. Should you choose to rewrite it, try doing some brainstorming. Come up with one general idea you want the reader to leave with in every paragraph, and write based on that. I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, it's only my opinion. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay..interests, their evolution, and How Cornell.."Med Research Mecca" [6]

Okay, the content is much improved this time. Now that you have a paradigm shift in it, there is one more issue. The essay doesn't read very well becuase it almost seems like you tried too hard to include giant words. While it is very important to include intelligent vocabulary, you shouldn't over saturate your writing with humongous words. Look at the intro:


That's pushing it a little too far in my opinion, and the word "initiate" doesn't really seem like it fits here. Like I said, keep using good vocabulary, but not to the point where the meaning or use of those words is out of place. Much better than your first attempt though. Keep at it, and good luck!

Graduate / Do the experiences written in my personal statement reveal my academic ability? [4]


Always write the name of the university, it will read much better that way.


I'm not sure if the college you are applying to is American, but we typically say "my years in college." We use the word "university" more for when we are naming the school.



Try rewording this sentence to say something like, "I discovered that many of the leaflets I handed out were thrown away."


I would reword this conclusion. Add the name of the school before the comma, and delete the second part of the sentence. I would say something more like, "I have recognized the school as my top choice."


You could combine these sentences to read, "Thus, I have taken two related subjects, Advertising Psychology and Photographic Art Appreciation, in the Communication and Literature College at my university." Also, don't use the "&" symbol. Always write out "and" in an essay.





You don't need to say this. Instead just open the next sentence with something like "Another valuable experience I have had..."



You don't have to use the word "studying" but there are better ways to phrase what you are trying to say there.


You can say drama or acting, but only choose one because using them both would be redundant.




I would say "in conclusion", becuase saying "In a word" suggests you could describe your experience with only one word.


Be sure to mention what kind of things you had to deal with.





Reword this sentence to say something like, "Another experience that has made me mature took place during my time working with the School Television."



Say that "I suspected Alice of plagiarism."


Here, you don't have to mention that accusing her of plagiarism would end your relationship, it is understood.


I would revise this sentence, the conclusion for your paper should wrap everything up a little better.

Overall, you have done a very good job for having English as your second language. There weren't too many misuses of phrases or terms, and it was all very understandable. However, your writing is a little elementary. I don't know what kind of consideration you will receive from the admissions office being from China, but if you have an English Professor that could review your work, particularly an American (if you are trying to go to an American school) I would see if they would consider reading your essay and giving you a few more tips to make it better. Also, keep in mind that although I speak English, I am not a great editor. There may be more mistakes or better ways to phrase your sentences, so keep asking for advice from other people.

I hope you find my corrections helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in the future!

Undergraduate / "Peer Support Leaders" Common app essay [3]

Thank you very much for your helpful feedback, I will try and rewrite it with your critique in mind.

Undergraduate / "Probably dreaming about his future Pulitzer" - good for CommonApp? [6]

Well, if it didn't work the first time, I wouldn't bet on it a second. The creativity isn't your problem, it's just that I didn't learn a thing about you in that whole essay. I think you may have simply confused creative writing with admissions writing. The admissions officers don't really care about your ability to write (unless you're an English major,) they want to learn about you and what makes you tick. Sorry to be a little harsh, but if you want to make it into this next school, I would highly advise you rewrite this.

Undergraduate / "computer science Olympiad" - department or program at MIT [3]


It's not a bad essay, but it's not great either. I could help you more if you post the topic though...

Undergraduate / "I like traveling, cultures, and the world." - Yale - who am I?! [4]

It has some grammatical issues, but I think this is a good option to go with. Some of the facts you gave were entertaining and fun, but what you gave was a list. "I am this, I do that,..." as entertaining as it was, you do run the risk of an admissions officer not liking it because you're just listing off qualities, but in my opinion, it is well-written enough to pass off as genuine essay because so much of yourself (or at least who I think you are) that you can't find on your application came through.


But even with this correction, you still use the word "about" twice and too close to each other. I would recommend revising the sentence as a whole.


I can see that you're trying to do a pause here, but pauses like what I think you're trying to achieve don't translate well to the written form. Plus, I don't that I gain much from this sentence at all.



Good luck to you!

Undergraduate / ARGENTINA - CMC Leadership Essay [6]

Your personal motto is pretty great, but this essay is supposed to focus more on you. A common mistake that many people make is they take an essay that is supposed to include someone they admire, and talk about that person way too much. Remember that you want to admitted, not your idol. If you feel that you have a good balance, then that's okay. I just felt like I learned more about Messi than I did about you.

Good luck to you!

Undergraduate / "I love to take long walks" - My Yale [15]

Well, someone was paying attention when they talked about sensory language in English!! Your essay includes beautiful visuals and is very descriptive. One thing you may want to consider however, is actually dumbing down the vocabulary a little bit though. Yale is going to want you to pepper in some college level vocab, but don't oversaturate it with huge words, because it becomes slightly difficult to read. Minor quarrel though, and don't freak out, I'm sure you will do just fine!

Undergraduate / Rochester Short essay 150 words edit [10]

Okay, your responses are pretty good, but you have a serious problem with vocabulary here. Sure the words you choose are college level, but you should never oversaturate your writing with giant words because it becomes really difficult to read. Dumb down the vocabulary, and I think you will do just fine.