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Posts by ziranshng
Joined: Dec 21, 2010
Last Post: Jan 15, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 17  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 22
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ziranshng   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / GMU-- appreciate the life one is given (ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP) [9]

On the first day we were paired with our teammate.

The one obstacle she wanted to achieveovercome was to

To see her development and attitude change in a positive manner, showed me how much of a difference I was making in her life.

At the next team meet, Maria had made the shot she had been striving for.

To experience how ecstatic she was about something so small, gave me a new sense of appreciation

Other than these minor grammatical corrections I think this is a great essay! Especially your introduction is really interesting. The only thing I was a little confused about was your transition to the second paragraph. I thought that Maria was your sister until you clarified in the 3rd paragraph. I would maybe move that part of the 3rd paragraph up to the second paragraph to minimize confusion.

Hope this helps!
ziranshng   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / Respect and Passion drives discussion - Haverford Supplement [2]

Any helpful comments are appreciated! I'll look at your essay in return.

The Honor Code at Haverford creates an environment of deep trust, respect, and collegiality between professors and students which, in turn, fosters open dialogue and free intellectual exchange. Talk about the conditions you think are essential to allowing this type of dialogue and exchange in both academic and non-academic settings.

While the environment created by the Honor Code at Haverford encourages open discussion between professors and students, two major ingredients are essential to a meaningful discussion: an environment where those participating in the discussion feel comfortable expressing their opinions, and a passion for the material being discussed. Without them, it is difficult for free intellectual dialogue to survive and thrive.

Respect is largely important in creating a comfortable environment for open discussion. We've all heard the saying that there is no stupid question, but we have also all heard some person or other say "that was a dumb question." As a result of this insult, others in the discussion do not feel comfortable expressing their views for fear of being labeled as "stupid". By creating an environment of deep trust, respect, and collegiality, the Honor Code ensures that students and professors will keep an open mind and respect each others' views, even if these views seem radical or they do not agree with them. Thus, students and professors alike will feel like their opinions are respected and be more willing to enter a free intellectual discussion.

Even in an environment of trust, respect, and collegiality, open dialogue cannot thrive without passion for the topic of discussion. As I have seen in my high school classes, in a situation where the teachers are really passionate about the subject being taught, they work to make the class interesting by adding in anecdotes and keeping students engaged. As a result, the students are more likely to take part in intellectual dialogue and become more interested even if they originally weren't. On the other hand, if the teacher exudes an attitude of "I don't care", the students will eventually pick up that attitude even if they were at one time interested in that subject.

For all the importance of passion, it is no secret that in class students may be motivated to express their opinions by other factors such as participation credit. However, it is out of class that passion really makes the difference. While students with no real interest may sit around at lunch making small talk, those with a specific passion are able to partake in incredibly animated and deep intellectual discussion without feeling that they are "doing work". While everyone who chooses to go to school must go to class, it is rare to find a student who participates in an extracurricular, be it math club or basketball, without a passion for the activity. Especially in academic extracurriculars, participants enjoy what they do, and won't hesitate to strike up a discussion on some topic in that area. Thus, passion is the major force behind intellectual dialogue in an academic and especially a non-academic setting.

Respect and passion are the two essential components for creating open discussions, but serve vastly different purposes. While respect creates a comfortable environment for discussion, it is passion that drives the discussion. Without both of these, open intellectual exchange cannot exist in its purest form. With the help of the Haverford Honor Code and both of these conditions, students and professors can participate in eye-opening discussions that further the education for all involved.
ziranshng   
Jan 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / "I'm from Kuala Lumpur" - Essay about my self [4]

I have hair complexion

I assume you mean "fair".

I have hair complexion, medium height, dark eyes and not wear glasses.

Rewrite as: "I am medium height with a fair complexion and dark eyes, and do not wear glasses"

There are eight members in my family which isincluding my father

My father is a pensioner ofan administrative assistant

I assume these are the ideas you're trying to get across, correct me if I'm wrong.
ziranshng   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / I have a responsibility act on the compassion I feel for the less fortunate [6]

I would add the noisy and superficial sentence to the end of the 1st paragraph.

Here's an idea:
I have realized that the will to act out of compassion is something that seems to be disappearing from society, even though it is integral to a healthy onesociety .

Then for your last paragraph, something along the lines of: In a society where compassion seems to be disappearing, I am proud to care enough to help people in their times of need. (replace the last part with something that truly describes how you feel).
ziranshng   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / I have a responsibility act on the compassion I feel for the less fortunate [6]

I feel like I have a responsibility to act

It reads pretty well to me. Only thing I could find fault with is the last paragraph. You are pretty subtle with the first two, showing the admissions officers what attribute has affected you, but then in the last paragraph you just come straight out and tell them, here it is and I'm telling you I've answered the prompt. I think if you could figure out how to work in subtly that you are proud of having compassion instead of going "It is therefore the attribute of my personality I am most proud of", it would flow better through the end.
ziranshng   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "going to the library everyday" - UNC- the best advice you've ever received or given [9]

Ultimately I fell short of my goal of getting a 4.0 that semester too and even the semester that just passed.

As somewherefun says, this is a bit confusing and unclear.

I am more determined each time and am convinced that at least one semester before I graduate I will get the 4.0 that I want. I am learning that I am not doing everything I can and achieving my goal will take more effort that I ever could have imagined. Next semester it is my hope that by going to the library everyday I can strive to push myself academically and get a well-deserved 4.0.

This isn't critical, but I think in this segment especially, you use a lot of "I ____", and to me it becomes a little awkward. I think even using contractions for some of the cases (I'm, I'll, etc) will make it flow better. Just read it aloud and write what sounds smooth, you don't have to be all formal uptight with the "I am" and "I will". It just sounds a little mechanical if you get what I'm saying...
ziranshng   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Habits from cross country - Pomona Supplement [5]

Yes I definitely do! Haha not sure if state should be caps, its just a habit to do so since its been so important for me. Do you think I covered the college decisions part enough? I'm a little worried that I ramble too much about running and not enough about the actual prompt...
ziranshng   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Habits from cross country - Pomona Supplement [5]

If anyone would like to read this and comment, I'll look at your essay in return. Thanks!

What experience in high school has mattered most to you? How do you see this experience influencing your decision-making in college?

The rest of my team ran towards me yelling and gesturing, but their words were drowned out by the wind and the pounding in my head. As they got closer, I understood what they were saying. Three points! It was a blustery day at the end of October and our cross country team had once again qualified for the State meet, this time by the narrowest of margins. A season of hard work built on two years of discipline and disappointment had finally paid off. I would finally get a chance to run in the State meet I had dreamed of ever since my school placed fourth there my sophomore year.

One Saturday later, as I reflected the State race I had just run, I realized that although it was an extremely enjoyable experience, it certainly didn't have a huge impact on my life. There is a saying--"the journey is more important than the destination"--and for me this proved to be the case. Running the State race was the reward for my hard work, while the training leading up to my state qualifying race certainly had a much larger effect, and was perhaps one of the most influential parts of my four years of high school.

Ask anyone about me, and the first thing they'll say is "he's a runner". Not only have I molded my happiness around running, but I have learned that the small details such as not eating that double helping of dessert, finishing next week's homework in advance, or making sure I get that extra mile on the cool-down can greatly affect my performance. Therefore, discipline in all aspects of life is incredibly important to running well.

Looking back on my years of running, I noticed a comparable development of discipline and speed. As I stopped eating junk food and procrastinating and started running more outside of practice and consequently, I cut more time and got faster. As I reaped the benefits of healthy living and good time management, I became more motivated to do those things, which led to more improvement, etc. Over time, eating healthy, sleeping early, and managing my time efficiently have become ingrained habits.

Already in high school these habits have made my life easier, and I foresee them having the same effect in college. Although often it is hard to order a salad while everyone else digs into their greasy burger and fries, or to force myself to start on a project I know will not be due for another month, I remind myself that I refuse to give up the effects of countless hours of training by giving in to a moment's desires. In college, I expect to have the same attitude. While I believe in fun as much as anyone else, health and sleep always come first. No "freshmen fifteen" or all-nighters for me. As in high school, my decisions in college will always be based on what is best for my health and fitness, and in a larger sense, the goal I am working towards. Whether I am still running or I am aiming at some other achievement, I will always make the decisions that provide the best conditions for achieving that goal.

Running in the State meet was a sign that I had made the right choices in my life, and the culmination of two years of highly disciplined training. Those two years have proven to be more influential to me than any one experience, and the habits I have picked up will perpetually influence the decisions that I will face for the rest of my life.
ziranshng   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "the monster inside" - work of art, music, science, math, literature Virginia supp [5]

The book, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, strangely attracted me like a light attracting flies.

This thought tarnished even the genuine acts of kindness to hypocritical and self-benefitting acts.

I'm not sure if this is correct use of "tarnished" and "to". To me, saying something like "this thought made even the most genuine acts of kindness seem hypocritical and self-benefitting" sounds better.

You have a powerful essay here, but I feel like the ending sentence kind of peters out compared to the rest of the essay. If you can think of a more powerful way to phrase your meaning, that would really end the essay well. Man, I remember reading Heart of Darkness then watching Apocalypse Now (the movie adaptation), that scared the sh*t out of me
ziranshng   
Dec 29, 2010
Grammar, Usage / "I see the man with sunglasses" - Help Paragraph Formatting + Dialogue? [3]

I think it is fine in one long line, splitting each dialogue into a new line makes it choppy. Of course, the content affects the formatting to an extent. You could either leave it in the middle of the paragraph you are using it in, or put the dialogue in its own paragraph and then start a new paragraph below it continuing your essay, depending on which seems to work better.
ziranshng   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Why BU" and "What do you want to accomplish in BU" [4]

For the first one, you seem to make a direct link between the essay video and your decision to apply.

For the second one:
I was introduced to managerial accounting sincewhen I was nine.

Spending my leisure to readReading relevant books in my free timeonabout business management and biographies of successful entrepreneurs, such as The Predictably Irrational and the stories of Gordon Moore, further impassions me.

I started painting where years ago and have made quite asome progress since then; however, my techniques onin oil painting hashave reached a bottleneck recently.

You do a good job laying out the ideas to answer this essay prompt, your grammar just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Honestly, I don't know whether you should add the Ed Barrows paragraph. While it is specific, I think it may be focusing too much on one professor, while you tout BU's encouragement to explore interests as a major reason for applying.
ziranshng   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Embracing Student Body"-Why Yale? Supplement [5]

Yeah, I'm not too sure about "embracing". I certainly get what you are trying to say, and because of the word limit it is hard to fit everything in.

I also feel that the last sentence leaves me hanging. Maybe you could work in the embracing student body and that sentence to save some words? And definitely don't downplay the excellent academics. You do a good job of showing how the student body doesn't just study, but I feel that the one sentence where you talk about the teaching makes it seem like you are only going to Yale for fun and not for academics, which I'm sure is not the case.
ziranshng   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Life isn't fair" - (favorite quotation) Princeton Supplement [3]

Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.

"Life is never fair, Robert. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not." --Lord Goring, An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde

It wasn't fair! It was November 5th, the Thursday before the 2009 State cross country meet, and my coach had just announced that I wasn't on the varsity lineup.. For the past year, I had run through snow, heat, rain, wind and injury with one goal: running at the State meet. I couldn't believe that all of my hard work had gone to waste. Even though I had run varsity all season and had helped the team qualify for State, my coach was giving the spot to (someone who I thought was) a less deserving runner. I wanted to slam my head against the wall in frustration and even entertained thoughts of giving up running. It seemed like not running State was the end of my world, and for a while I held a strong grudge against my coach and teammates.

However, I soon realized that I couldn't sulk forever, and sooner or later I would have to drop my grudges and decide whether I wanted to continue running. Even though I felt my coach and team had greatly wronged me, I put the situation into perspective and told myself that people have much worse problems that not running at the State meet. I looked at my year of hard training in a new light and saw that instead of it going to waste, it gave me a large fitness base to build on. I had already put so much effort into running that there was no way I was just going to give up. Instead, I was going to get so much faster that there wouldn't even be a question of whether I was good enough to run varsity.

With this new take on the situation, I started training with renewed determination and with the memory of that disappointing day in early November fresh in my mind. Once again, I went out running every day, rain or shine, with renewed purpose. I rebuilt relationships with my coaches and teammates and once again made it to the State meet my senior year. This time, as my coach announced the lineup, there was no question who would be running. Two years of training finally paid off as I secured my spot as the fourth runner and a varsity team captain.

As the proverbial saying goes, life isn't fair. Having to deal with this unfairness is a given, and experiencing it firsthand in an activity that I devoted so much time to has given me a new way to look at life. I now understand that unfairness, like other obstacles, are unavoidable bumps in the roadway of life, and to succeed, you just have to push through them. Although it might be impossible to smooth out these bumps, they make life challenging and interesting. I will never understand why my coach took me off the 2009 State lineup, but now instead of sulking every time I feel like I have been wronged, I use the experience as motivation to work harder towards my goals.
ziranshng   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Window into the gym - Williams Supplement [3]

Hey guys, if anyone could edit/comment this for me that'd be cool. Right now it is just one big paragraph, do you think the format works or should I try to split it up? Also, should I take a different approach from the "I see" repetition? Not sure if its too overused...Thanks!

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

As I look through the dirty, dilapidated windows of H.E. Kenney Gymnasium, I see the building where I have spent two hours every day for the last four years at either track or cross country practice. I see the info sheets handed out at the first practice, and I remember reading those sheets as a freshman with no clue of the role running would play in my life. I see the Tough Illinek award I received at the end of freshman year for my dedication, which encouraged me to train even harder in the coming years. I see the All-State trophy case, which contains photos of every All-State athlete to pass through Uni, and my heroes throughout high school. I see the elusive tenth place Twin City medal, which I missed by three seconds my junior year, and was my motivation for a seventh place finish senior year. I see the Spartan Classic trophies, a reminder of three years of disappointing races there. Next to the trophy cases, I see my coach's office with its ice machine and self-massage equipment, where I have spent countless hours learning how to counter the damage of hard training. I look down the stairs and see the locker room that I have shared with my closest friends and teammates. Then, I look out the front door and see the whole University of Illinois campus, where I have run miles upon miles, alone and with my team, in wind, snow, rain and heat, at all times of day, fast and slow, and see myself as I have grown and changed through the inconstant years of high school, where only one thing was predictable: knowing that every day, regardless of what was happening, I would be out there running.
ziranshng   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "pace movies and science fiction novels" - Stanford intellectual vitality essay [7]

When I got home, within my sheer enthusiasm to learn something new

I would focus more on the intellectual vitality part, you talk a lot about robots but there is a little much detail about your interest that for me covers up why robots are intellectually engaging for you.
ziranshng   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "our kids will go to the same school" - Stanford letter to roomate . [7]

if you want to set your mind on something elseother than your worries.

I usually connect quickly with people and I hope you will not be an exception.

For some reason, this bugs me. Why would your roommate be an exception? Maybe you could rephrase this to show that you usually connect quickly with people, and will do so in this case too. Then again, not a huge deal.

The "You name it." seems to stand out on its own too much with nothing supporting it. I think there are enough examples in the preceding sentence that you don't need it.

I don't think the interests being broad is boastful when referring to music. I would keep it, or maybe say something along the lines of "I have a wide taste in music".
ziranshng   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "pleasant location and diversified community" - how you became interested in BU. [6]

I was amazed by the number of schools that met my requirements but I was especially interested in BU because of its pleasant location and how everything else encircles it, which makes living in that location for four years easy.

For me this is a little confusing, maybe say "because of its pleasant location in the heart of the city" or something, if that is the point you're trying to make. Granted, I know nothing about BU or Boston so that might be totally false.

Also, I feel like your last sentence left me hanging. What were the results of talking to the rep? How did that make you finalize your decision to apply?
ziranshng   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Hispanic environment in Brooklyn" - Syracuse Supplement Help, Why? [2]

Growing up in a generally Hispanic environment in Brooklyn for much of my life, I felt out of place once I moved to a mostly Caucasian environment in Northern New Jersey.

In an attempt to fit into an environment in which sports such as college basketball were more popular

In middle school, I would not only avidly watch the college basketball gamesOrangemen play on TV, but also had the opportunity to attend a game with a friend in 2006. In Syracuse's win against Georgetown in the Carrier Dome, I witnessed the school spirit that Syracuse is famous for

because I am not certain on whatwhich career path I would like towill choose, Syracuse with all itsthe diverse majors at Syracuse would be a perfect for me.

I am confident that I will be getting a quality education at Syracuse University.

Because all that Syracuse means to me and has to offer, it would be an honor for me to be part of a truly awesome school.

I would rewrite this as: "It would be an honor for me to be a part of Syracuse, a school with so much to offer that means so much to me" or something like that...
ziranshng   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Lean on Me" - Stanford: letter to future roommate [2]

Haha I wrote my roomie essay on running too! And pretty much the same format as yours...So I think you did a pretty good job, obviously I'm a little biased but it flows well and you show your passion for running and how it affects your life with a roommate which is what the prompt wants.
ziranshng   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "Enticing is calling me" - UVA FAVORITE WORD ESSAY. [4]

Wow! I think this is a great essay, but could you provide the prompt? I really like the Siren analogy and how descriptive you are.

Couple of things:
You have an immediate repetition of "feel...feeling". I get the meaning you're trying to convey, not sure if the repetition should be changed or not...

Also, the "Opposites attract" seems to not hold much meaning. I see the reference to the "stark contrast", but I feel the two word sentence stands out too much without having a deeper idea.
ziranshng   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "a strong education in both science and business" (Significant Experience) [3]

Opinions on this are much appreciated (566 words). Thanks!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250 word minimum)

Still feeling the jet lag, I rolled out of bed, threw on my running shoes, jogged down 21 flights of stairs and out the door, and was immediately greeted by the unfamiliar sounds of a big city. I was in Shenyang, China, and getting in my morning run. As I darted across the traffic-filled road and into the park across the street, I thought ahead to my day. A slow, sinking feeling of dread filled my stomach as I realized I would be doing science in an unfamiliar language in a laboratory with strangers.

Upon finishing my run and heading to the lab, I was introduced to a graduate student who would be guiding my research for the week I was there. Although I could speak Chinese well enough to carry on a brief conversation with him, my lack of knowledge of chemistry terms in Chinese became immediately evident when he asked me if I knew what arsenic was. I was able to answer him once I figured out what he was talking about, but it was clear that nothing would be accomplished if we couldn't communicate. With our problem defined, we sought a solution.

Since we live in the technological age, we decided to use the ever-helpful Wikipedia to look up molecular formulas of chemicals in Chinese. I was then able to translate things into English, and from there, use my high school chemistry knowledge to recognize the molecules. This proved to be an excellent and effective system, and I soon figured out the goal of our project-- to create a water purification device that would remove the highly toxic pollutant arsenic from water.

With the clarification of the project came the jarring realization that economics factor greatly into the technological development. Because of the higher standard of living in the U.S., we can afford current arsenic removal technology, and it is thus not a problem. In contrast, poorer farmers like those living on the shore of a large lake in Kunming, China could barely scrape together a living, much less pay extra to purify contaminated water. With our new method of communication developed, I worked efficiently with the grad student, using rare earth metals that are abundant in China to create materials for a more cost-effective arsenic removal device which I would install in Kunming. I was excited to find that one of these lower-cost materials could absorb ten times more arsenic than currently used materials.

By the end of my trip to China, I carried a whole different attitude with me as I weaved through traffic on my morning run. I recognized the vast economic imbalance between the city folk I saw on my runs and the poor farmers in the country, and realized that even though we may not see such an imbalance, it is present in every society including our own. As a result, helping those in need is now extremely important to me. Surprisingly, working in the lab for a day had little of the school-esque tedium that I expected; instead, I enjoyed applying my education practically and meeting new people. After seeing firsthand how science can help solve global problems and also seeing how cost and economic factors influence innovation, I want to come out of college with a strong education in both science and business so that I can better tackle global issues similar to arsenic pollution.
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