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Posts by aleafsun
Joined: Jul 25, 2011
Last Post: Aug 11, 2011
Threads: 9
Posts: 19  

From: Taiwan

Displayed posts: 28
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aleafsun   
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should the youngsters have part-time jobs? [3]

Hey, everybody,
Thank you for your time on my essay. Your comments are very important to me, so please leave some ideas to me.
Aleaf
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Prompt: In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of piad work. Some people regard this is as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learing and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this? (at 250 words)

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This is a long-lasting debate that if a kid should have a part-time job or not. From my own experience, I would say the benefits for the young generation to start a paid job overweigh the drawbacks for them.

First of all, whatever the age we are, we are all eager for independence as it is our very nature. Taking a general kid as an example, one of his biggest dreams might be growing up by which no one will stop him from whatever he likes to do. But the question is that how people can be in charge of their lives while they do not even have economic independence?

Secondly, without effort-consuming, people tend to disregard what they have. For example, to be a fashion-leader of their classmates, purchasing new staffs constantly is quiet popular among the young generation. It is not them who can afford it but it is their parents who will foot the bill. To decline the wasting behavior, we need to let them know that everybody needs to pay for what they want.

Thirdly, by virtue of the fact that experience is the best teacher, learning from working might be the best vehicle for young people to obtain practical knowledge.

For instance, knowing how to babysit a baby from lectures is totally not to be compared to babysit a real baby. No one wants to hire a babysitter who only has knowledge from textbooks.

To sum up, while critics assert that little kids should not be involved in paid jobs, for the above reasons, I still contend that both school education and working experience to which should be paid equal attention.
aleafsun   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should a working mother be blamed for children's deviant behavior? [NEW]

Hey, there,

Thanks for every body who is willing to give me some advice about my essay. Wish all of you a good day! Aleaf
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Prompts: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquence, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To waht extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? (at least 250 words)

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At a first glance of the phenomenon that female parents have changed their roles from inside a family to outside a family, some critics refer the increasing juvenile misbehavior to the remarkable change. However, from my viewpoint, the argument does not follow the facts and it therefore unconvincing due to several flaws in logic.

First of all, nurture of the children is not the responsibility only for women. To survive from a competitive society which is remarkably different from the one in the past, women most of the time need to have a job to support their families. Thus, when both men and women have to work, they should pay attention and make efforts to their offspring equally. Secondly, it is the quality of the accompany time but not the quantity to decide the outcome. Bunches of studies have revealed that it is broken families which should account for deviant behavior of young groups, yet the working women. For example, it is better for every child to spend little time with a working mother who delivers correct value judgment than to get all day long with an unemployed mother who is just a negative role model. Thirdly, from the perspective of social influence, certain media should be blamed for juvenile delinquencies. Currently, societies in which the young generation lives are filled with sensationalizing news and violent movies. As a result of what we learn from what we see and what we hear, to behavior our young citizens, we should censor the media more carefully first.

Since there are some fallacies in the argument, I do not agree working mothers should be blamed for youngsters' misbehavior.
aleafsun   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS---Advertising discourages us from being different individuals? [2]

Dear katie,

I am confused with your introduction at the beginning. Since there are "different" kinds of products in advertisement, we people should not lose the individuality among other people. Maybe you can use another way to express the sentence.

Being exposed in a sea of advertisements for long, people's immune systems towards advertisements have strengthened. (I understand why you use "immune system" here; however, as a nurse, it seems weird to me to this term here. Immune system protect our body from pathologies but not advertisements..)

BR
Aleaf
aleafsun   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should the dealth penalty be abolished in current society? [4]

Hey, there,
I want to thanks every one who is going to give some comments about my essay. Thank you for your time.
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Prompts: Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? (at least 250 words)

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To execute or not to execute, to me, is like to be or not to be. This is a question. However, I, as a human being, believe capital punishment should be banned for three reasons below.

Firstly, from a perspective of social morality, death penalty should be banned. The protection of human lives, freedom, properties and such rights is the main purpose of organizing a government. Consequently, it is governments' obligation to protect their citizens' lives but not deprive them.

Secondly, from a perspective of social deviant behavior, death penalty should be abolished. A tit-for-tat strategy, comparing to a pay-back-in-kind strategy, would impact the young generation adversely. By paying back an eye for an eye, we might stick our lives in a vicious circle. Conversely, when we embrace kindness and goodness toward others, we are capable to have better lives. Furthermore, how can we condemn an unfeeling murderer exploiting people's lives while we are doing the same thing?

Thirdly, from a perspective of healing, death penalty should be abrogated. Some revenge-focused individuals consider that nothing is going to change unless they finally kill the person who has killed their beloved ones. On the contrary, revenge will never cure the grief and emptiness of a lost loved one. What is more, revenge is useless in that it does not bring the victim back to life. The truth is that forgiveness is the only way to start the healing process.

In summary, even though people hold various viewpoints toward death penalty, taking social morality, social deviant behavior and healing process into account, I am still for banning death penalty.
aleafsun   
Aug 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS-- important to prevent language extinction [4]

It is not uncommon =>apparent(To be more powerful, it would be better to use active mode than passive mode) that many aboriginal languages are struggling on the brink of extinction every year. Some people concern that the measures of keeping them alive not necessarily make sense, therefore, it is no longer important to prevent the extinction of languages. => To some people, certain measures of keeping language alive are useless, therefore, it is worthless to make effort to prevent the extinction of languages From my perspective, I completely disagree with(agree with somebody; agree something) this viewpoint.
aleafsun   
Aug 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should fatherhood be valued equally as motherhood? [NEW]

Hey, everybody,
I want to say thanks once more here to each of you who ever leave some ideas about my essay!
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Prompts: "Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea taht women are solely responsible for deeciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up." To what extent do you agree or disagree (at least 250 words)

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Undoubtedly, it is women who bear weight for 280 days and give birth to a baby; it is women who nurse her baby every 2 hour in the middle of a night. However, for children to have better role models, value judgment and sense of security, I contend that both of the genders, men and women, in a family should be valued equally.

First of all, from a perspective of role-model, by virtue of that men and women are miles apart physically and mentally, fathers are irreplaceable in people's childhood. Little boys learn how to become a man from imitating their fathers' behavior, while little girls, by observing the interaction between their parents, they know how to be treated appropriately. Secondly, as for value judgment which is shaped by ones parents, both side of the parents need to take the responsibility of that. For example, what will a child's personality turn out when his mother tell him not to steal while his father misappropriate stationery from office everyday? Last but not least, joys of childhood ultimately rest on a sense of security, consequently, mothers and fathers need to make efforts on it. Hundreds of journal articles reveal that interaction between parents influence the development of feeling of security. Furthermore, scholars also assert that passionate feedbacks from male parent who may be too busy to pay attention to his offspring's need also benefit the development of the feeling of safety.

To sum up, it is always a reason that there should be parents, namely a man and a woman, in a family. To provide better role models, value judgment and sense of security, I treasure both men and women in their parenthood.
aleafsun   
Jul 31, 2011
Writing Feedback / Detail the factors that affect editors to choose broadcasting news. [5]

Dear EF_Kevin,

I really want to acknowledge you for reading my essays and give advices to me.
The phrase "With regard to..." you have mentioned here really helps me a lot, and I will try to use that in my articles! Thank you for every comment you have made!!

Best regards,
Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 31, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'Music lifts up our souls and releases them'; traditional vs international music [5]

EF_Kevin,

You really made my day, and I appreciate that every viewpoint you have made about my essay. Among all I have written within one week, a total of 8 articles, this one is my favorite. I will try my best to take both structure and flowing into consideration at the same time. I hope one day, I will write excellent essays at will.

Thank you again for your contributions!!

Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 31, 2011
Writing Feedback / Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test [6]

Amrosca,

I really appreciate your contributions to my essay. Admittedly, to me, sentenses you just wrote make more sense, and it's like being written by a native speaker. Thank you a million!!!!

What you think of me is exactly right! I always juggle around with sentense-diversity, and I can't even start to write due to that!

I will practice more and try to get better!!!

I have some questions and I wish you can help me out here.

Firstly, speaking of the essay structure, should I always end a essay with a conclusion or it is ok with no conlusion at the end of a essay?

Secondly, how to write an article with more profoundly when there is a word-limitation there? I have refered to other related essays on line and I found that I have a difficulty expressing myself with short and precise sentences. Would you give me some advice to that issue?

Again, I really value what you have done to me!!

Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should people have just one career or possess several jobs at the same time? [4]

Thanks again for everybody who has given me some advices.
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Prompts: The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one. The new fashion will be to have weveral careers or ways of earning money and further education will be something that continues throughout life. (at least 250 words)

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It is or will be a mainstream that people make their living by more than one method. Comparing to living in the past, we confront economic depression and a more competitive environment in which spurs us to diversify our lives.

First of all, to survive from economic depression, an average salary of NTD 22,000 for a new graduate in Taiwan, youngsters need to gain money in various ways simultaneously. For example, except working as a research assistant, my colleague also invests on stocks and funds to support his family. Secondly, to triumph our rivals in a competitive society, new generations tend to attend further education to arm themselves with more qualifications and know-how. For instance, more and more people are convinced by institutions to take their courses to obtain more licenses for higher acceptance rate. Thirdly, as a result of the prevalence of the state-of-art technology, internet, we can earn money easily though online auction. Taking my sister-in-law as an example, her profit from online transactions is pretty much the same as my monthly salary.

On the other hand, there are still drawbacks of possessing several careers at the same time. Speaking of the loyalty toward employers, it is inevitable to decline at some level when there are 3 to 4 jobs holding in ones hand. Additionally, energy and focus will be split to look after every job instead of one. What is more, once we are able to earn money in different ways, people might sink into better material comfort than spiritual happiness.

Nevertheless, considering what we are facing now, struggling in such a competitive employment environment, I consider making our living by more than one method.
aleafsun   
Jul 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl】teachers should take courses every five years to update their knowledge? [5]

In order to speed up the spreading of the new theory(it's better to theories instead), the Educational department needneeds to prefect the texts books.

Another reason for the educational department doing this is to find a appropriate way by which students could understand the knowledge clearly.

That two reasons push (How about using stimulate? There's no mistake but a suggestion) teachers to update their knowledge.
aleafsun   
Jul 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "a Semester Course of Web Development/Designing in India" - Common App [4]

java4u,

My comment on your essay will be described as follow.
First of all, for the word limitation, I might skip irrelevant information and detail more catch-the-attention ones in your article. For example, I would jump to "during my junior year, I worked as a web designer..." directily without the introduction you've written. Consequently, I will be able to elabrate either the content of this job or what it influences me.

Secondly, I don't understant what you tried to express in certain sentences. For example, "My biggest leap into the Computer Science field occurred during my Junior Year when I got a job as a Web Designer/Developer for a startup company." Did you mean that working as a web designer during your junior year intrigue you, so that you devote yourself to computer science field?

Thirdly, you need to express your more coherently. For instance, "The assignments I am given have strict deadlines and expect more of me than my usual schoolwork. However, these are what motivate me to work harder and complete the tasks. As a result, I gained more responsibility because it is my job to finish the work I am given." -->There is no emphatical connetions between the three sentences, and it easy to confuse people. Read sentence followed to see if it is easier for people to get the idea. " I don't I have been asked to finish assignments with strict deadline which trained me to be more responsible."

Best regards,
Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test [6]

Hello, everyone,
I work on essays for English test and graduate admission. Due to the poor ability, please be kind to give me some advice either on ideas or grammar. I will embrace gratitude for anyone who ever tried to help me out!

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Prompts: Chorleywood is a village near London whose population has increased steadily since the middle of the nineteenth century. The map below shows the development of the village. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the development of the village.

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The illustration demonstrates, from 1986 to 1994, the changes and development in Chorleywood which is a village close to London. In this map, it is clear that roads are built in Chorleywood in which the population built up along the main arteries as well.

During the initial 15 years, 1868-1883, civilians of Chorleywood led their lives in a small community right next to the north-south main road. In that period of time, there were only two main roads which intersect to each other outside the village. Between 1883 and 1922, while the citizens expanded themselves, almost triple their original size, an east-west railway was built crossing the village; at the same time, a Chorleywood station unveiled itself to the world. Then over the next 58 years, 1922-1970, the population spiraled along the railway both eastward and westward. From 1970 to 1994, since a highway was built crossing to both of the main road and railroad, the population of Chorleywood was flourished surrounding the main roads, the motorway and the railway in which there were Chorleywood Park and a Golf course.
aleafsun   
Jul 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Economic development VS Loss of social values [IELTs] [10]

Spoontzc,

May I ask a gramma question of your essay? Would it be better if I write " the widely use of a car or the widely use of cars " instead of the original sentence?

Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / SPEND Vs SAVE; Most youngsters today are not hesitant to spend their money! [3]

Hey, Linh202,

I see your efforts through good conjunctions at every begining of every paragraph. There is just some comments below.

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First and foremost, education at the present is extremely costly. My school fees in ten years are paid by my parents whose income is approximately five hundred dollars a month. I detest becoming a burden on my family, so my savings assists me to tackle this aching problem.

****************************************************************I might revise them as "First and foremost, education at the present is extremely costly. In the past ten years, my tuition fees were paid by my parents whose incomes were only five hundred dollars a month. It was a penerating thing for me to become a burden on my family, so I scrimped to tackle this aching problem.

Best regards,
Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Detail the factors that affect editors to choose broadcasting news. [5]

Every comment will be valued, so please leave some opinoins to me.
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Prompts: News editors deside waht to broadcast on television and what to point in newspapers. What factors do you think influence those decisions? Do we become used to bad news? Would it be better if more good news was reported? (at least 250 words)

Speaking of the influences on decision-making of a news editor, responsibilities of media and target rating point come to my mind. Since news is in high demand among people and the majority of us get that from either televisions or newspapers, how do editors make their minds on news impacts us dramatically.

First of all, responsibility of media is a determining point to editors. Almost every press has its self-discipline rules toward information. As a result of that, editors need to choose topics deliberately to avoid the punishments from their employers. Secondly, to survive from competitive rivals in journalism industry, editors need to stick on what is capable to boost the circulation, such as immediacy and popularity. In a fast-moving society, broadcasting news within a split second is very crucial because nobody tends to possess news happened two or three days ago. Consequently, issues which are ready-to-broadcast will be the priority choices. Additionally, popularity plays an indispensable role in stimulating target rating point. For instance, in Taiwan, a gossip magazine called Apple once stayed on the top of the sales ranking for a long period of time due to remarkably sensationalizing news.

Turning to the impacts of news, sensationalizing and meaningless news have suffered our society since high circulation and high target rating point are the only concern for some press. Nevertheless, we should not ignore the truth that we learn from what we see and what we learn, as well as what we turn into. As a result, more good news should be broadcasted to make better life.
aleafsun   
Jul 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Watching movies in a theater is more fun than watching them at home. [5]

csv8674xn,

In my point of view, seeing movie in the theater please me the most. That is because movie in the theater (movies in theaters )is usually the newest and theaters always provide the best sound effects compared to those in the housein houses .

Whenever we use "the", we point out a "specific" noun; in the contrast, when we use "a/an", we refer to a non-specific noun. As a result, I won't recommend you to use "the" here.

Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'Music lifts up our souls and releases them'; traditional vs international music [5]

MoeMoe1,

Thank you for your advice about my essay. May I ask a question that is it ok to put "conclude" as a verb in the beginning of a sentence with a comma behind? Or sould I write "This concludes that many so-called music therapy CDs pop up in music industry"?

I will appreciate for your answer. ^^

Aleaf
aleafsun   
Jul 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'Music lifts up our souls and releases them'; traditional vs international music [5]

Topic: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more improtant than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays? (an around 250 words essay)

Music is pivotal in our lives because it lifts up our souls and releases them. William Shakespeare said that "take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find it is to the soul what the water-bath is to the body." As a result of that feature, tons of so-called music therapy CDs pop up in music industry. What is more, as music helps us to express ourselves in ways that we can't with normal talking, it is just like an outburst of our souls. Thus, life without music, to me, is just like movies without background music. Everything seems pointless and dull.

Turning to which kind of music is more important -- traditional music or international music. I would stand for the former one for two reasons. Firstly, traditional music or folk music plays a crucial role in passing down cultural heritages or for the new generations to recognize to which they belong. At this point, we should always preserve our own culture and history regardless of the prevalence of cultural assimilation and globalization. Secondly, keeping ones uniqueness of music would help the world to take the first step to understand ones country. For instance, every nation has its national anthem by which people around the world would see the citizens' characters, beliefs, and desire.

Since music is so much a part of our lives whether we are aware of it or not; since traditional music is so important to us whether we are aware of it or not, we should definitely embrace it, treasure it and preserve it with our best efforts.
aleafsun   
Jul 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / Describe two charts about a survey of adult education..from Cambridge IELTs 1 [5]

Prompt: There are two charts which show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart show how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

There are two relative issues discussed here by two charts - the reasons for people attend continuing education and who is responsible for the cost of it.

To begin with, being interested in subject and gaining qualifications are the top two motives for adults, which are cited by 40% and 38% of adult students, to enroll in further education. Followed by three main reasons-current job as well as promotion will be benefited by adult education, and it is an enjoyable event, each being mentioned by around 20%. Finally, there are 12% of grown-ups who study in their adulthood for being able to change jobs, and only 8% of students who want to meet people.

Turning to the pie chart, it represents who is responsible for the cost of such education. Individuals who attend to those educations should pay the major part of the tuition fees; however, employers are obligated for 35%. Intriguingly, taxpayers need to be in charge of the rest.
aleafsun   
Jul 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / Japan: special interest/passion+ how you have developed knowledge in these area? [7]

This is a nice article to me, by which I can get a picture how much you like Japanese music.

There is just a little suggestion. In the second paragraph, to emphasize you have traveled to Japan for several times, I will use "I have been traveling across Japan for several times" instead of "I continued to travel..."

Thank you~