Speeches / Suggesting a few ideas about Qualities of a good speech [11]

Greetings!

You have listed some very important qualities of a good speech. I will add a few more:

It has emotional impact: your audience feels something as a result of your words, whether excitement, joy, a twinge of sadness -- if you are inciting an emotion in someone you are connecting with that person.

It is memorable: people will remember what you said if you say it through an anecdote or personal story. Repetition can also be used, albeit judiciously. Different examples to make the same point or arrive at the same conclusion will support your position, provided you don't seem to be just repeating yourself.

It begins with an opening that grabs the audience's attention and ends with a powerful, memorable conclusion.

Thanks for your ideas!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'The cynic is one' - UA Essay [5]

Greetings!

I have to say, your writing is utterly enjoyable to read! I think BOTH your essays show you to be a candidate any college would be lucky to recruit!

I think your changes to the more "controversial" essay were perfect: you managed to keep the spark while toning down that which might have offended or irked. Excellent job of "murdering your darlings"!

The only possible change I might suggest is to the ending of the one about Pat and her garden. It was slightly anti-climactic. The imagery throughout was wonderful, and I chuckled aloud at the results of your dad's "imitation." But it seemed as if you were building up to something -- say, that Pat had added something strange and unusual -- and I felt just a little let down not to know what it was.

I am not familiar with the specific requirements of the Common Application, so I can't tell you how well I feel it fulfills them. The more controversial essay actually gives me more insight into who you are -- but if good writing is the key, I'd say you have that more than covered with either option!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What is the career that most appeals to you? [4]

Greetings!

You have a good start on your essay. I especially like the way your conclusion summarizes the major points you made.

There are, however, some sentence fragments and run-on sentences, and a few other things I'd suggest changing.

"Such as the goodness, equality, freedom, truth, and justice principles which are deserved by everyone in treatment." This is a sentence fragment. Also, "everyone in treatment" sounds as if you're saying these things are deserved by people who are undergoing treatment for something. What about saying, "Everyone deserves equality, freedom," etc.?

"Firstly, I had heard stories from my mother of how my family back home, mainly my aunts and uncles, that are all high ranked cops or in the military." Another fragment, and I think everywhere you use "firstly" and "secondly" you should eliminate it.

"I really wanted to have all these qualities, who wouldn't?" That should be a semicolon instead of a comma, but you could probably find a better way to put it: "These are all qualities I admire and aspire to achieve."

"I believed that all people need goals in life, it is a social need." Another semicolon needed instead of comma. Is having goals more of a social or a personal need? Just a thought.

I find your first paragraph confusing. You say that you did not decide on a career early in life, yet most people would consider the end of high school "early in life." It sounds as if you are contradicting yourself; considering re-wording the first few sentences.

I hope you found this input helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Greetings!

Yes, I like your new opening! I think you have greatly improved the essay from the original draft. And yes, you are welcome to use any wordings I suggest to you. I have a few more suggestions, mainly to do with punctuation.

Most of the time when you use a semicolon, you really need a colon, because the phrase that follows explains or elaborates on the first part of the sentence.

"flying appeals to my senses: the pressure sensation ... "
" meteorology and flight physics: weather patterns at flight levels interest me."

This sentence is a little more of a judgment call, but I think an em-dash is the best choice, rather than a colon:
"located about an hour away-- in Bridgewater Massachusetts!"

This paragraph has its own subject, reading, so I'd make it a separate paragraph. I'd also change "affluence of details are ..." which sounds a bit awkward. I made a couple of other minor changes as well:

"In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. The richness of detail is difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading more enjoyable for me and made English class one of my academic interests."

Then start a new paragraph when you go back to aviation. Your last paragraph could be worded a little more gracefully. I would suggest something like:

"I strongly believe that when I graduate from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people in the same industry. The aviation training program BSC provides is exactly what I need to prepare myself for the career I have chosen. I feel quite sure that Bridgewater State College is the best choice for successful fulfillment of my goals in the commercial aviation industry."

I'd say you're well on your way to a great career!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / American Poetry question [2]

Greetings!

When American poets are mentioned, a few standouts immediately spring to mind: Theodore
Roethke, Edna St Vincent Millay, Edgar Allan Poe, Sylvia Plath, Emma Lazarus, Walt Whitman, Maya Angelou, Edith Wharton, William Carlos Williams, Carl Sandburg, Emily Dickinson -- it depends which era you are referencing, but there are many American poets to choose from.

The Museum of American Poetics might be a good place to start if you are interested in American poets. Also the Academy of American Poets at poets.org.

Best wishes in your poetry writing endeavors!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Yes, I think your organizational ideas will work very well! I'd be happy to have a look when you're finished.

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Your essay certainly conveys your love of aviation and flying. In fact, the first paragraph is dedicated almost entirely to how planes, flying and all things aviation make you feel. I think your essay might benefit from spending a bit more time on the academic aspects of aviation -- perhaps some of the courses you are interested in taking and how your high school courses prepared you for them -- and less on the emotional aspects. As with all essays, start with a topic sentence that summarizes the purpose of your essay, for example: "After researching a variety of schools which have programs in my area of academic interest, aviation, I believe that BSC is the one which can best help me reach my goal of becoming a pilot."

While imagery is certainly important in some types of essays, I'm not sure I agree that a college admission essay is one where you need a lot of it. The insight your essay should provide is insight into why you are qualified to be admitted to BSC.

You say,"Bridgewater has an amazing aviation program that I am completely interested in studying." Being more specific about what this school has that makes it good and why you think this school will help you accomplish your specific career goals would show that you have done your homework about the school. You might also consider using somewhat more mature-sounding adjectives: "Bridgewater has a well-respected aviation program that is a perfect fit for my areas of interest and the goals I wish to achieve."

In short, I think you have a great start here, but I'd recommend re-working the first paragraph and continue tweaking the rest of it until it tells BSC exactly what they are looking for.

Hope you find this helpful!

Essays / Grad school admission - essay writing ideas? [3]

Greetings!

Check out our "Free Essays and Articles" section. There you'll find an essay entitled: "Graduate Admission Essays: How to Beat the Odds" which gives specific information on what your essay should include.

If you'd like some input on your essay once you've written it, I'd be glad to assist!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Learning To Fly by Victoria Beckam; New way of writing [5]

Greetings!

I'm a professional academic researcher and editor and a co-author/editor of this website, which is how I came to be on the forum. This is an American website, although we do get questions from students who are in other countries.

Thanks for visiting!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

I'm not clear on whether you are required to write on the topic "this is me" or whether you can pick another topic. But let's assume for the moment that you are writing (or re-writing) the "this is me" essay. What if you talk less about Singapore and the world around you and write just about the inner you? What would you say?

Before actually writing the essay, try writing short sentences that describe you. Start with "I am ... " For instance, "I am sensitive." "I am eager to learn." You might also try sentences that start with "I like ... " This is just to get you thinking about yourself, the things that make you -- you!

You have some of that already in your essay. "I am a sensitive girl but not a weak one." You could go on from there to give examples of what types of things you are sensitive to, and in what ways you are strong. "Happiness is something simple to me" you say. You could perhaps expand on that some more.

I hope these ideas will be helpful!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Even though B- is not what most people would consider a bad grade, you worked very hard on your essay and I can understand why you would have liked an A. You are still learning how to properly express things in English; the more you work at it, the better you will get. While I will give you as much guidance as I can, there is a limit to how much editing I can do for you without actually re-writing your paper for you. But I certainly don't "mind" helping you -- that's what I'm here for!

I'm not entirely sure I understand your question about the expressive essay. When it comes to really understanding what it is that your instructor wants you to do, the instructor is the best source of information. I'd hate to tell you to do it one way, when she really meant something else. If at all possible, talk to her about it, ask her as many questions as you need to, and then once you understand what it is she wants, I will be happy to help you.

Remember, too, that expecting perfection is asking a lot of yourself. If you work hard and do the very best you can do, you can be proud of your accomplishment!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / SPUTNIK! (Essay Perspective) [5]

Greetings!

It's important to understand the cultural context in which the Sputnik launch took place. The cold war between the U.S. and Soviet Union was in full swing; we were only three years past the rabidly anti-communist McCarthy hearings/witchhunt. It was a very big deal to the U.S. government and probably to most Americans that the communists had beaten us in the first major event of the space race. The fear that Soviet supremacy in space could somehow lead to Communism overpowering our country and destroying our way of life was not considered far-fetched.

On the other hand, the press was not nearly so "free" in that pre-Watergate era as it is now. It might be worth exploring the role of the press at that time and whether focusing a spotlight on the fear so many felt would have been considered "un-American" or detrimental to our country. Remember, this was only a dozen years after the presidency of FDR, who was never photographed struggling to stand or being wheeled around in his chair, and whose disability was never discussed in the press out of "respect."

And one more thought: later accounts which were written after the U.S. landed a man on the moon didn't have to downplay what happened in 1957 -- we had "won" and could afford to shine a light on the fear Sputnik engendered, knowing there was a happy ending.

I hope this gives you some ideas to work with!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayFoum.com

Graduate / Graduate Studies - Disability Studies [2]

Greetings!

From a quick internet search, it appears there aren't a lot of doctoral programs in disability studies to choose from. The PhD Program in Disability Studies at University of Illinois at Chicago claims the distinction of being the first PhD in the United States dedicated to the field of disability studies and one of only a few such programs in the world. Syracuse University in New York also offers such a program. I can't vouch for how "good" they are, but it would be a place to start.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Learning To Fly by Victoria Beckam; New way of writing [5]

Greetings!

You're right, it's not a typical book review, but I like your casual, slightly sardonic style. I feel, after reading it, that I know more about the author than I do about her book; if you intended that result, then I'd say your piece has achieved its goal. After all, it is an autobiography.

One thing I find myself saying a lot, when I give input on others' writing, is to remember your target audience. Since you're in the UK, it's probably not necessary to explain who Victoria Beckham is, especially if your readers will tend to be under 40. I, on the other hand, am neither, and had to look her up. ("Oh! Posh Spice!") Just something to keep in mind, depending on the use to which your review will be put.

A couple of technical things I noted:

"This was published in 2001 followed by a publication in 2002." This is a little confusing; do you mean the same book was reprinted? That the first run was so successful they did another?

"notwithstanding" is one word.

"Suprise, suprise" - did you mean "surprise" or were you affecting a southern U.S. accent, a la Gomer Pyle? (If you have to ask "who?" then it's probably the former.)

When hyphenating words like "quick-fire" don't leave spaces in between.

"bimbo girl band who incidentally wrote their own songs" -- did they write their songs incidentally? Or did you mean "who, incidentally, wrote their own songs . . ."?

I enjoyed reading your review and hope this input was helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Did Somebody Say Genocide?; response/summary essay [2]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent, informative essay which does a good job of explaining the complex factors involved in the Darfur situation. I just have a couple of suggestions.

I was surprised when, halfway through the essay, the focus turned from the Darfur Crisis itself to Prunier's article about it. Other than "(A Response)" in the title there was no indication in the first half that this essay was meant to be a critique of an article. I'd suggest mentioning Prunier much earlier, and also stress the importance of the distinction (or perceived distinction) between genocidal and non-genocidal actions earlier on. Perhaps starting off with a quote from Prunier and a one- or two-sentence summary of the article before launching into the history of the conflict would help make this clear.

A few of your sentences, while not technically "run-on" sentences, might benefit from being divided into two; most notably, the third sentence in the essay. You also start two sentences in a row with "Though." Other than that, I see nothing that requires changing. Your writing is clear, concise and interesting to read.

Good job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'As America closes its eyes' - Grey Decay by The Sacrosanct College Essay [2]

Greetings!

You make some good points here. The subject matter is one which can engender some strong emotions. This can create a tendency towards what I call "overselling" -- going a bit over the top. I like the way you start out with the reference to Mr. Conti; by the time you reach the end, though, it sounds more like a rant than an essay. Sometimes less can be more. Having said that, it can also depend on what your essay is meant to accomplish; different uses can require different tones.

Just a few editing suggestions:

me and Mr. Conti > Mr. Conti and I
true thinker fell like the dragonfly > feel, I think you must mean
determinate > I'm not sure what you mean here; perhaps "undermine"?
it's safety blanket > its

I hope this was helpful to you.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Cause and effect paper - getting over abuse [2]

Greetings!

You have written a good essay with a strong, personal perspective. I do have some minor corrections to suggest:

"had someone abuse you whether" > "had someone abuse you, whether"

"There are many different types of abuse, why is it that a lot of times people that get abused eventually get married to someone who is abusive?" > this is a run-on sentence composed of two completely different thoughts. If you say there are many types of abuse, you need to then go on and list what they are.

"So what causes" > "What causes"
"abuse that I went thru." > "abuse that I went through."
" no body" > "nobody"
"He threatened to kill me; throw me off our upstairs banister, or to throw me out my window." > either use two semi-colons or two commas, not one of each. If you put "to" before "throw" one time, do it both times -- think balance.

"I was eleven and until" > "I was eleven until"
"was going to do, so he was always" > was going to do. He was always
You don't need to start sentences with "Also . . ."
"I played on the internet a lot, because, I could be myself and not have to worry about whether the person liked me or not since it was just on the internet." > I played on the internet a lot because I could be myself and not have to worry about whether the person liked me."

"at that point of time" > "at that point in time"
"It also took a long time before me and my brother started talking again, in fact we just recently began talking a lot 6 years after the incident. > "It also took a long time before my brother and I started talking again. In fact we just recently began talking a lot, six years after the incident." ["The" incident? Wasn't it a series of incidents over a long time?]

"Just by being around people will help, even if you don't want to talk to them, just don't seclude yourself from every person, because then you will start to feel lonely and that you don't have any self worth." > "Just by being around people will help; even if you don't want to talk to them, don't seclude yourself from every person. That will make you feel lonely and diminish your self-worth."

"not worth it, just be yourself" > "not worth it; just be yourself"
"your pretending to be something your not." > "you're pretending to be something you're not."
"for whom you are > "for who you are"
"their self" > "themselves"

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Syntax refers to the rules about the way words and phrases are combined to form sentences. It is a part of the broader field of grammar, but for our purposes, just think of them as grammatical errors. For example, "to see the gradually new development of my city" uses an adverb, "gradually," to modify a noun, "development." You want to use "gradual," an adjective, instead.

Sometimes the sentence itself may be put together correctly, yet not say what you intended it to mean: "It has been three months since I was in Singapore." This sentence means that you have been away from Singapore for three months; you are no longer there. I think what you meant was, "I have been in Singapore for three months" or you could say, "It has been three months since I arrived in Singapore."

Your periodic sentence looks perfect. In your second sentence, "sunlight" does not require a hyphen. As far as I can tell, your serial sentence and balanced pairs look fine. Your cumulative sentence, however, appears to be run-on. I would cut out "both knowledge of my studying department and understandings of many new cultures," entirely. You might then want to say "because I love the people here" instead of "there." Then I think you will have a cumulative sentence.

It's exciting to see how much you improve every time you edit your essay. Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "military analogies" - UC Admissions Essay [4]

Greetings!

I might suggest that the first two sentences are a little repetitive -- you use "describe" twice. You might be able to combine them and save a few words.

It's a judgment call, but my opinion is that it works as it is. Having said that, if I'm really looking for opportunities within the essay to bring more of a personal feel, I'd consider re-writing this sentence: "I managed to not only strengthen my arsenal of political arguments, but more importantly, to forge a fortress of self confidence." You have just mentioned a glorious victory and a shameful defeat; if you wanted something "personal" you could inject just a bit of how that made you feel. But it's certainly not mandatory.

Hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "military analogies" - UC Admissions Essay [4]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay. I don't see the need to change anything (except perhaps to put hyphens in two-pronged and award-winning). If you have any room, within your word limit, you could add one more short paragraph that's a little more personal in tone, if you like. The ending, as is, seems a bit abrupt. You might say something about what you look forward to in college and how it will affect your life -- just a suggestion. Other avenues would work just as well.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

You certainly have been working hard and have written a heart-felt essay! It would help if you could give me the definitions of those four sentence types that your instructor gave you so that I know exactly what he or she was looking for in your sentences. I can help you correct the grammar and spelling in some of your sentences in the meantime.

"It have been" > It has been
"I enjoy myself to feel" > I enjoy feeling
"My life itself had a lot of things I bother" > [this doesn't make sense -- do you mean "my life was difficult"?]

"week" > weak
"gave me the relax" > relaxed me (or, gave me relaxation)
"Feeling sad and lacking my dears made me cannot concentrate on my studying." > Feeling sad and being without my loved ones made it hard to concentrate on my studying.

". . . I dear the people there" > [dear is not a verb] I love the people there
"I planed to study" > I planned to study

There are other syntax errors and I'm afraid I can't address every single one of them for you. Some are things you will just have to learn as you get better with English sentence construction. Sometimes it's not grammar, but just a matter of using a word in a way a native speaker wouldn't -- for instance, we don't generally call our loved ones our "dears." You are working very hard, though, and will continue to improve with every assignment.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Your instructor mentions four different "purposes" your essay might have. It seems to me that the easiest type to do would be "informative." No one knows more about you than you.

What would you like your readers to know about you? Where you were born? What life was like growing up in your household? Who your family members were and how you got along with them? Your goals in life and how you plan to accomplish them? Decide what things about yourself are most important to you to talk about. You have only a page to do it in so narrow it down to a few important things about yourself; don't try to tell your entire life story in one page. You might even want to make a short list for yourself before you start the actual essay writing, to give yourself some direction.

Give it a try and see what you come up with!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Looking for help - graduate school admission personal statement MSW program [2]

Greetings!

Admissions essays can be a bit tricky because most people feel uncomfortable writing about themselves, especially when the point is to persuade someone how great you are! Always keep in mind your audience: the admssions committee that will be reading your essay. Think about what elements would be important to them and strike a balance between showing them the "real" you and giving them what they are looking for. That's not disingenuous, that's simply good politics.

If you'd like me to take a look at your essay after you've got a preliminary draft, I'd be happy to.

Yes, you're quite right. An academic essay is like a paper you would turn in as a class assignment, rather than an essay about yourself.

I would start by picking a subject that really interests you. Since you are applying to graduate school, a topic from your degree area is probably what the admissions people are looking for. Use the standard format of an introductory, or thesis, paragraph, then expand and explain your topic in the body of the text. Conclude with a paragraph that restates your thesis and sums up the points you have made. (These are just reminders; I'm sure you've written many papers in your academic career!)

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you get into the school of your choice!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

An expository essay is one where you explain a topic to your reader. You have knowledge about a particular topic and you write an essay about what you know to inform your reader. It sounds as if your teacher wants you to take a piece of writing that is not an expository essay, and re-write it to turn it into an expository essay.

There are several types of essays; you may have one or more of these types in your portfolio:
a literary essay examines a piece of literature; a persuasive essay presents an argument and defends one side, to convince the reader that side is right; a research essay compares the works of others on a topic and you may add your own conclusions or analysis to theirs; an informal essay has a relaxed, more personal style and subject.

If you have one of these types of essays in your portfolio, you can turn it into one which explains the subject to your reader to make it expository. Let's say you have a persuasive essay about the war in Iraq. You might re-write it to explain the conditions which led to the war, rather than taking a side on whether the war is right or wrong.

I hope this helps your understanding of the assignment. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "One minute for yourself" book! [5]

Greetings!

When I need to know the nearest library that has the book I am looking for, I go to worldcat.org

This online catalog of library books allows you to put in the title of your book and your zip code to find the library nearest you which has the book you want. If you can't find it in a library that is conveniently close to you, you might have to settle for a different book that is more readily available in order to complete your assignment.

While you could translate from Vietnamese to English, if your instructor wants you to give quotes from the book, they may not come out very accurately. I'm afraid I don't have access to the book myself. Perhaps worldcat.org can help you find it.

Good luck, Ha!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / On the morning I've been waiting for all year! [2]

Greetings!

Technically a "run-on sentence" is actually two complete sentences with no punctuation dividing them. I don't see any sentences that I would define as "run-on" under that definition; however, I believe you are correct when you suggest some may be too long to comprehend. You seem to have more of them toward the end of your essay than the first. Perhaps you were rushing a little toward the end. I would suggest going through the entire essay and every time you find a sentence you think might be too long, assume that it is; cut it in two, or shorten it. Here is an example, probably the worst offender of the bunch:

"As soon as the hectic part of our vacation, unpacking the cars and stocking the cabin for the week, occasionally pausing to enjoy the familiar smell of fresh wood the cabin is made out of, is completed, we each go for the usual bike ride signifying the beginning of our week up the winding road we just traveled to the cabin on."

I think that one might even qualify as holding enough for three sentences! For instance:

"Unpacking the cars and stocking the cabin for the week is the hectic part of our vacation. As we unpack, we occasionally pause to enjoy the familiar fresh-wood smell of the cabin. After we're finished, we officially begin our week with the annual bike ride up the road we just traveled."

Notice I left out a few words that really weren't necessary. Trust your reader to understand the obvious, such as the road you just traveled being the one the cabin is on.

A few other corrections you might consider:

who rides in whose car with who > who rides in whose car with whom
chocolate covered bear > chocolate-colored bear
harms way > harm's way
gravely road > gravelly road
way to much bottled up energy > way too much bottled-up energy
shuffling tiredly out the bedroom > shuffling tiredly out of the bedroom

Your essay certainly paints a picture of a vacation anyone would be glad to take!

Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Something Deeper - What am I looking for? Why am I here? Meaning of Life? [2]

Greetings!

This is an interesting topic! I'll point out a few things I noticed that you might consider correcting.

"complete the capacity of you brain " -- I imagine you mean "your."

"with verbal conjectures and mathematical theorems from 200 B.C., right? " -- Although I think I understand what you are getting at here, it is nonetheless a bit confusing. Also, saying "right?" is very informal. That may or may not be all right, depending on what your essay is for.

"30 day success" -- use a hyphen with compound adjectives: "30-day success" (although some sources will tell you to spell out numbers below ninety-nine).

"something so profound that no language can see or speak its wonders, is the answer to my question." This sentence is run-on and a bit confusing. Perhaps make it two sentences, the second being "That is the answer to my question."

"the all-too real possibility that there is no limits" -- add a hyphen and make your verb and subject agree: "the all-too-real possibility that there are no limits." This sentence is very long; by the end of it I feel lost. Even though I'm not quite sure what you are saying, I'm reasonably sure that's not a proper place for a colon.

It's definitely a thoughtful, introspective piece of writing and I think you have a very good start here!

Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / FSU Admission Essay (confidence and leadership) [4]

Greetings!

Yes, it is better -- it is very good! (You may have overlooked "aggression" in the last sentence; I like the way you replaced it with "confidence" above.)

Keep writing like this and you'll have to quit claiming you're not a good writer.

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / FSU Admission Essay (confidence and leadership) [4]

Greetings!

Your essay is a good one; you write better than you give yourself credit for. :) I have just a few suggestions.

You might want to re-think using "aggression" as one of your chief qualities. My dictionary says it means "the practice or habit of launching attacks" or "hostile or destructive behavior or actions." Consider words like "self-assuredness," "confidence," or "decisiveness" instead. Try using a thesaurus 'til you find a word that fits.

"how a person should conduct themselves" - "a person" is singular; "themselves" is plural. Say "himself" or "people should conduct themselves."

"some of the plethora of qualifications" is a little wordy and frankly, sounds like you just threw in a big word to impress; same with "prevalent," which isn't quite right there. Also, you mean "qualities" not "qualifications." Perhaps "one of my strongest qualities" would be better.

"this assumption has proven right everything" should be "this assumption has been proven right. Everything . . ."

Just a bit of polishing and your essay will be excellent!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

Your story is definitely progressing and getting better every time you work on it! First, I'll answer your questions. Yes, you may say that indirectly rather than directly and it will be fine. It would sound more natural, though, instead of "He agreed without noticing what she mentioned in her words" to say "He agreed without really paying attention to what she said."

As to your second question, yes, I see the effect you are trying to get there, and I agree that it works better like you have it now. One thing, though: "He said me then." is not grammatically correct. Better would be ". . . 'is really important to you,' Mr. Chew told me."

A few more suggestions: "He thought that everything would be alright and his little daughter's saying was not important at all." This sentence is a little awkward and you really don't need it; I'd take it out.

"huge" means "very large." You mean "hugged." "Mr. Chew regretted because of his empty promise" should be "Mr. Chew regretted making his empty promise." Although, it might be more accurate to say he wished he had kept his promise, wouldn't it?

I'll put the rest of the things I think need changing in bold and my suggested substitutions in brackets.

"His farther [daughter] was sitting under a big tree with a frightened face." ["looking terrified"] "She busted into tears when seeing her father." [She burst into tears when she saw her father]. "He took the daughter in his arm and understood all." [It should be "arms" -- but I'm not quite sure what you mean by "understood all."]

"Never did he fell [feel] so happy"

I cannot forget until now [I have never forgotten it.]

"I always remind myself of his last saying [words]: "I have realized the most important [thing] in my life, it is not to pursue the success by all means, but when I can bring the happiness to not only myself but also my dear persons." [I have realized that the most important thing in my life is not pursuing success by any means, but bringing happiness to myself and those who are dear to me.]

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / WW1 , the Treaty of Versalilles, WW11 [2]

Greetings!

You have an excellent start here! I agree that your paragraphs could use just a bit of smoothing. We all know that the first sentence should be the thesis statement that describes what your essay will be about. This can lead to the temptation to cram everything you're going to discuss into that one sentence. Your first sentence is a little confusing and long (the semi-colon should be a comma, too).

It's often helpful to simply turn a long sentence into two shorter ones. You can easily do this with your first sentence. Also, "an orchestra of German culture" is a metaphor I find a bit confusing. Did you mean "orchestration"?

Your writing is very good, overall. See what you can do to simplify it a little and let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Starting to write a paper on the topic: Smoking in public places [5]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help. First of all, make sure you look through the free essays and articles we have here on our site; there's a wealth of information there!

How to approach the topic of smoking in public places depends on the emphasis you want your essay to have. For instance, you could talk about the law -- how it has changed over the years, what the trends are now. Are there any places where smoking is more restricted than others, or less restricted?

You might want to talk about the effects of second-hand smoking, or the rights of smokers -- or both! Decide what aspects of the topic are most important to you and go from there.

Once you have written it, I'd be happy to take a look at it for you and make more specific suggestions.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum. com

Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

The story you tell is a good one, because it has many elements that make a story interesting: drama, suspense, a child in danger, and of course, a happy ending! The changes I would suggest are mainly to do with grammar and syntax.

In the first paragraph, the "when" and "where" of your story are not immediately clear, because you change tenses twice in the first sentence. "Since I was in Singapore" -- does that mean you used to be in Singapore and no longer are there? "Since" then, "I have met . . . many people" makes it sound like you met the man after you left Singapore, yet his story takes place there -- a bit confusing! Even more so when you start out talking in the past tense and switch to present: "a man who always looks happy although I know that his business is busy" sounds like he is someone you see now, on a regular basis. So, be careful with word choice and tenses.

Intead of "there was a wonderful wife" say "he had a wonderful wife." "Daddy, I hope you will come back mommy and me at 8:0 p.m to night" needs a preposition ("to Mommy and me") or better yet, an infinitive: "come back to see Mommy and me at 8:00 p.m. tonight."

"But busy working took him so much time that he could not care about his family, his wife and his little daughter longing for the love and caring of her father." This sentence has grammatical errors and is a bit run-on. Better would be "Work took so much of his time that he neglected his family. His daughter longed for more love and attention from her father."

Be careful not to interrupt exciting action with commentary. "Only when experiencing the feeling of losing something do you find out that thing is really important to you." That's an important thought, but put it later, not in the middle of the action when the dad is rushing out to find his daughter.

A "frightening face" is one which is scary (it scares the people who look at it). You mean "frightened."

"They continued to find hopelessly" doesn't make sense. I think you must mean "They continued to search hopelessly" although it would be better to say "They continued to search, but were beginning to lose hope."

"They did not know whether the girl dared to be in at that time." I'm really not sure what this means.

I won't go through every sentence, but I do advise that you carefully check for both run-on sentences and sentence fragments. You have a few of both.

A little more polishing and I think your story will be fine. You're working very hard and it will definitely pay off!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

I think you may still be a bit confused about what third-person voice means. When you write in third person your characters can talk, go places, interact with other characters or do whatever you want them to.

Let's say your main character is named John. You might describe him through narration: "John was a tall man with long, bony fingers." Or you might have another character describe him through dialogue: "Bobby laughed at John and said, 'Man, you sure have long, bony fingers!' " You might even have John describe himself: "John looked in the mirror and ran his fingers through his dark hair. 'I hate my fingers; they're too bony,' he thought." Now we have a picture of John that helps us feel we know him better.

When you get advice like "don't use extended dialogue," the important word is "extended." In other words, don't have the dialogue go on for page after page. Certainly you can and should make your characters have conversations. That is often the best way to reveal important parts of the story. For instance, you could just say, "Many years ago, John saw Bobby steal a book from the library." But wouldn't it be much more interesting if that information came out during a conversation between the two, like this?

John took one look at Bobby and turned away.
"You still holding a grudge against me?" asked Bobby.
John whirled to face him. "You still a thief?" he said.

Now you've got your reader wondering what that grudge is all about! Your reader wants to continue reading to find out what happened to cause John's attitude.

By all means, start writing your story, and remember to have fun with it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help, I'm new here. Is it okay to use parenthese around... [2]

Greetings!

Sometimes it's a judgment call as to whether quotation marks are required or not, but I think an argument can be made that Hemingway's "iceberg principle" falls under the category of words used ironically or in some unusual way. He was comparing writing to icebergs in order to describe how good writing can convey something's meaning without necessarily stating it. "The dignity of movement of the iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water." In the same way, he felt, writing should have underlying meaning that the reader can feel without the actual words spelling it out.

It would probably be more correct to also include "principle" within the quotation marks, as I did above. I don't agree that it falls under "well-known expressions." I suspect that if you surveyed 100 people on the street, a large majority of them could not define "iceberg principle" for you.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

A relative clause can be restrictive or non-restrictive. In English, a relative clause follows the noun, or "antecedent," it modifies. "John wrote the song that the band was playing." The restrictive relative clause is "that the band was playing," because it identifies the specific song that John wrote. If you say, "John wrote a great song, which became quite popular" the non-restrictive relative clause ("which became quite popular") does not help to make its antecedent ("song") definite, but gives extra information describing it.

As you can see from those examples, a relative clause can be quite useful in describing the noun you are talking about. I think when your book says that relative clauses can make writing cluttered, it means TOO MANY relative clauses can. For instance, consider this sentence: "John, who is my best friend, wrote the song that The Tree Huggers, a folk-rock band, was playing, which has become quite popular." Now, THAT is cluttered writing! If you take all the relative clauses out of your writing, you won't have much to say, though.

As to your second set of questions, I can see why you think your book is contradicting itself, but it really isn't. If you tell your reader everything immediately, it takes all the suspense out of the story and gives the reader no reason to go on reading. Also, if you tell your readers what they should be thinking, not only will they lose interest, but consciously or subconsciously, they will feel patronized; in other words, they'll think you think they are too stupid to figure it out themselves. Consider this example: "Fred's eyes narrowed to slits and his lips grew thin. His jaw was clenched so tightly, it was a wonder he could snarl, 'Shut up!' He was obviously angry." Now, did I really need to tell you he was angry? Of course not! I had drawn you a picture of his mood. Which covers your next question as well. Don't tell me Fred is angry; show me his eyes, his lips, his jaw. Let me hear his snarl. Then you will have painted a picture of Fred that is much more interesting than simply saying, "Fred was really angry."

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Woods Riding and The Dirt Bike' - Process essay review [2]

Greetings!

You have done a wonderful job of describing the process of riding a dirt bike. I almost feel I could do it myself now! I'll just give you a couple of tidying-up pointers and you'll be good to go.

"A beginner who is going to start driving their bike into the woods, trails, and sand dunes has to learn a whole new set of techniques both for riding and for caring for themselves and the machine." While mixing a singular subject with a plural pronoun is often done in casual speech these days, it really isn't proper English. Rather than getting bogged down with alternatives like "A beginner who is going to start driving his or her bike" it's easier to just make all the references plural: "Beginners who are going to start driving their bikes . . . have to learn . . . "

"This can be on the carburetor or handle bar mounted" might read more smoothly as "This can be on the carburetor or be handle bar-mounted." I'm not entirely sure about "2-stroke" and "4-stroke" but my sense is that it should probably be "two-stroke" and "four-stroke." If you do go with the numerals, don't capitalize the "S" and don't leave a space before the hyphen.

You've written a very good essay during trying times, and I wish you the best in your studies.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

The "voice" of a story refers to who the narrator is; in other words, who is telling the story. The narrator can't communicate anything it does not see, feel, think or experience. Voice is also called "point of view."

In first-person voice, the narrator uses the pronouns "I" or "we." For example, "I wrote to EssayForum for help." First person tends to bring the reader closer in to the main character, to understand and perhaps sympathize more with that character.

Second-person is not used as much these days. It happens when the narrator addresses the reader directly: "You wanted advice, so you asked EssayForum." The "you" can also be implied, as in an instruction booklet: "Turn the applicance on" actually means, "You should turn the appliance on."

Third-person voice can be "omnicient" or "limited." The third person limited point of view picks one character and allows the reader inside his or her thoughts and experiences. The narrator is limited to what that one character can observe. "Jim was angry with Sally. He wondered why she hadn't called him back."

A third person omniscient narrator can shift focus from character to character, knowing events which a single character could not be aware of, as well as everyone's thoughts: "Jim could feel himself growing angry. Sally noticed this, but decided she didn't care."

While it might seem easier to use third-person omnicient voice to jump from one character's thoughts to another, most writers agree that it is difficult to do it well. My recommendation would be that if you are going to write a story in third-person voice, use a limited point of view. Even though you are writing in the third person ("Jim threw his cell phone down in disgust"), you will only tell of events that one character knows about. You can't, for instance, leave Jim at home, and then write about what's happening at school while he isn't there.

In a novel, it is possible to use different points of view in different chapters, for added effect, but if you are just writing a short story, it's best to pick a point of view and stick with it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'The cynic is one' - UA Essay [5]

Greetings!

Well, I, for one, really enjoyed your essay! And if it were merely an essay to express your thoughts on a topic, I'd be inclined to say, "don't change a word!" It's engaging, thought-provoking, humorous and entertaining. But . . . (you knew the "but" was coming), does it accomplish its purpose? This is an essay which has a job to do, and the most important thing is to make sure it does its job, namely, get you admitted to college.

Answering that question is a little difficult without knowing the precise question that is being asked. Is it "What can you tell us about yourself?" or "Why should we admit you to our university?" or something else with a slightly different emphasis? If you are applying to several different universities which ask somewhat different questions, you might want to tailor it to fit. Also consider the type of school to which you are applying. Is it one with a reputation for being liberal? Is it a more conservative, perhaps religious, college? This makes a difference in how it could be received.

I might be inclined to split the difference: tone it down just slightly for a one-size-fits-all audience. The opening does paint you just a bit negatively. At the least, I'd cut the quotes down in size, one or two sentences apiece at most, and take out the "mousing for vermin" bit, even though it's a fabulous metaphor. When all else fails, remember the writer's (artist's, entertainer's) creed: know your audience.

I know it's not easy to take out writing that you think is good. Writers always struggle with this. Because you like quotes, here's one that might help from Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch, who wrote in The Art of Writing (1916), "Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it - whole-heartedly - and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings."

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The Difference Between Personal and Professional Relationship [3]

Greetings!

While we do not write essays for students on this site, I'd be happy to give you some ideas about how to start writing it yourself.

It's always good to have a strong opening, a thesis statement that briefly states what your paper will be about, and perhaps why it is important. You might open with something like, "Understanding the important differences between personal and professional relationships can help pave the way to success in both aspects of a person's life." Expand on this with a couple of follow-up sentences, since paragraphs should generally be at least three sentences.

You'll want to have several more paragraphs which make your main points on the subject, each starting with its own topic sentence, followed by sentences which support that statement. Let's say you wanted one of those points to be the importance of keeping your personal relationships separate from your professional ones: "It is not always easy to keep professional relationships entirely separate from your personal life, especially if you socialize with your co-workers, after-hours." Give some thoughts on how it can be accomplished, such as agreeing not to talk about work outside the office. You might also want a paragraph on the similarities between personal and professional relationships, such as good communication skills being important to both.

Once you have made your main points in each subsequent paragraph, your last paragraph should summarize these points. Try to have a strong closing sentence which has a similar message to that of your thesis statement, but worded differently: "Building good relationships, both personally and professionally, is important, but knowing the difference between the two is vital."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com