Research Papers / 'Global warming is taught in school for government to control us' - on global warming [3]

Greetings!

You've got some good research here, but I think your paper could use a bit of organizing. Remember that each paragraph should have its own topic sentence and that the other sentences in that paragraph should all relate to the topic sentence. Each paragraph should follow logically from the one preceding it. You bounce around a bit between "global warming is a real problem" and "some people don't think global warming is a real problem." An outline might be helpful in keeping your thoughts organized. For instance, you might have one paragraph that defines global warming and how it works; one on its effects on plants and animals; one on its effects on people (weather, flooding, crops); one on the nay-sayers and their views; one on possible solutions, and so on.

Your thesis statement could be tighter, as well. Consider word choice: "Global warming is a very real scientific study" may be true, but I don't think that's what you really mean. "Global warming is a very real problem with potentially catastrophic results" is probably closer. "Global warming has been caused by the people of the world." Well, yes and no. More accurate would be "Global warming is a man-made consequence of the pollution resulting from industrialization."

Be careful where you put your parenthetical citations. In the paragraph on Farah, you put it after "Many scientists around the world would beg to differ with this statement" making it sound as if he might beg to differ with his own statement. Generally, put the citation the first time you quote or paraphrase the author; it is assumed that you are still referencing that author (or adding your own opinion) until you insert another citation.

A few more things I noted:

"40% of it's thickness" - the possessive form of "its" has no apostrophe.

"The extremely noticeable changes are found when studying habitats" - would sound better (and be more accurate) to say "Measurable changes are found..."

"Scientist are now seeing a slow move northward." - of what?

"Most animals' native" - plurals do not take apostrophes; it's "animals"

"the earths temperature" - "earth's" - a possessive with an apostrophe this time! :-) (Nouns require them, unlike pronouns.)

"If your still a skeptic than listen to this." - first, it should be "you're" and "then" but you should not use contractions in formal writing, nor should you casually address the reader this way. "Skeptics of global warming conveniently ignore facts such as these:" would be one way to say it more appropriately.

"shanky" - not a word.

"The next step to have hydrogen refilling stations" - add "is" after "step"

"than the effects could be horrifying." - you mean "then" instead of "than"

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Construction Economics work using actual market data - how to start? [3]

Greetings!

The connection between interest rates and the price of real estate is not difficult to understand when you remember the law of supply and demand. Most people must get a mortgage in order to buy a house. When interest rates are low, as they have been over the past several years, more people can buy a home. When more people can buy, demand goes up. When demand goes up, prices go up. So, low interest rates are linked to higher home prices; high interest rates, which make mortgage payments higher, will price some people out of the market, lowering demand -- and thus, the price of a home.

While I don't have a lot of experience with market analysis, I would think that gathering "actual market data" would simply be a matter of deciding which market you want to study (Orange County? New Jersey? the U.S. as a whole?) and finding statistics online which show what has transpired in that area over the time period you are using as an example (the past five years? since the '80s? the 20th century?). If you can use market data from anywhere, try doing a few searches to see what area is easiest to find information on.

I hope this can help you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tracking an Evolving Thesis (Concern about education versus degree essay) [2]

Greetings!

You raise some interesting issues and make some good points in your thesis. I'd be happy to give you some hints on improvements you might make.

Be careful about matching verb tenses. For example, "Before I commit myself to any class for this quarter; I looked up all of my potential professors ... " - commit is present tense, looked is past tense.

"people are diligently buried themselves" also mixes tenses.

Remember that semicolons are used only with two separate clauses that could stand on their own: "Before I commit myself to any class for this quarter" would be a sentence fragment, so you can't divide it from the second half of the sentence with a semicolon. The same applies to your last sentence.

"Is our main purpose in life is to get a decent well-paid job?" - You don't need the second "is." It helps to read your essay out loud to catch little errors like this.

"Much ado about nothing, some students simply don't like showing up to class." To me, this sentence not only is run-on, but also does not really make sense. "Much ado about nothing" means making a big deal out of something trivial. You could leave it out and be fine. Be aware that in formal writing, contractions like "don't" are not used.

"spontaneous apathy" strikes me as something of a contradiction. I don't think "spontaneous" is the word you are looking for here.

November 31st does not exist ... do you mean 30th?

Your paragraph on students at the "other end of the spectrum" seems out of place in this essay about students who just want to get a degree at the expense of learning.

You have a good start here. Go through your essay carefully, double-checking grammar and punctuation, and make sure if you use an expression that it really fits what you mean to say.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / SPUTNIK! (Essay Perspective) [5]

Greetings!

A discussion on a similar question can be found here:

There's a lot of information available online about Sputnik. For instance, check out NASA's site for a history, bibliography and links to articles about Sputnik: history.nasa.gov/sputnik/index.html

I hope this is useful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Paper on Immortality [3]

Greetings!

Immortality is an issue which has intrigued humans for millenia. It can be a fascinating topic for discussion. As a starting point, before you begin writing, you might try making a list of pros and cons. For instance: Pro - You'd have time to see the all the wonders of the world. Con - If you had relationships with people who weren't immortal, you'd continually be losing people you were close to. Pro - You could do more exciting things if you didn't have to fear death. Con - Life can be hard; you might just get tired of the grind and have no way out. After you make your list, it should be easier to decide whether you'd choose immortality yourself.

Hollywood has always been intrigued by this question and there are many movies in which the main character cannot die: "Highlander"; virtually any vampire movie; and, there's a new one coming out called "The Fountain" which uses that theme. If you have time, you might watch some of these for inspiration. As I recall, the Kirsten Dunst character in "Interview with the Vampire" was not happy that she had been made a vampire when she was still a child, because she would never get to know what it was like to grow up. That's another issue you could touch on: at what age would you stop becoming older?

I hope these ideas have given you a place to start. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Should college instructor distribute their lecture notes to students? [2]

Greetings!

Knowing that you are for distributing lecture notes to students is a good start. Think about why you are for it. To me, the most obvious advantage is that you get an insight into what the instructor thinks is important. Take three different professors and give them the same course and textbook, and they'll teach three very different classes. Each person brings his or her own perspective to a topic. Not only will professors' notes tell you what is important to them, they'll also tell you what is less important. Something which is discussed in great detail is probably going to be emphasized more on an exam than something which is glossed over.

In addition to the notes giving you an idea as to which topics and sub-topics matter more to the professor, the notes will also give you information on how that professor's mind works -- and that can only help you. I can remember once taking a legal writing course where only 2 out of 76 students did not have to re-write the final assignment. I was one of the two, probably because I decided to write it as much like the professor's own writing style as I could! (He probably never realized just why he liked that paper so much! ;-))

And of course, there's the practical aspect of making sure you haven't missed anything due to absence. A professor can't possibly cover everything in the textbook (and may add things that aren't in the text) so having the notes may give you info you wouldn't have if you missed class for some reason.

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'AP biology midterm / Stubborn parents and NYC'(2 essays) [2]

Greetings!

You have written a couple of very fine essays! I'm impressed by the quality of your writing. There are only a few minor suggestions I would make:

"For instance, I add innovation to projects by designing a comic instead of a typed-up synopsis of a poet's life." This sentence is a little confusing. Using the present tense and plural in "I add innovation to projects" makes it sound like something you do on a regular basis; the second half of the sentence sounds like a one-time occurence. And I really can't grasp exactly what it is that you did with the comic. Can you make this clearer?

"After much persistence, my parents ..." It was not your parents' persistence, so you might want to change this to something like "After I persisted, ..." or "After I persistently nagged them, my parents ..."

"I disappointingly declined" is not quite right. You could say, "I declined, disappointed" or "I regretfully declined" but since you then go on to say that you took advantage of the libraries "without regrets" I'd recommend just taking out "disappointingly" and leave it at that.

Note that what precedes "and making the most of the trip" is "helped me write a rewarding article." You wouldn't say "helped me write a rewarding article and making the most of the trip" so either take out the "and" or take out the entire phrase "and making the most of the trip."

You've done a very good job here and I feel sure your prospects for getting into the college you choose are excellent!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'A normal person can make a difference' - HARVARD - Diversity & Uniqueness [2]

think your essay does a good job of conveying the type of person you are, and how you have a talent for shaping the lives of others! The only real problems I see with it have to do mostly with the mechanics of English. I have put in bold the words that I think need changing and put my suggested changes following in brackets. (In other words, take out the words in bold and substitute the words in brackets.) If there is no bold word before the word in brackets, then I am saying you should add the word.

I hope this helps, and that you are successful in fulfilling your dream!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Children's literacy essay - Need Help [5]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help. Are you needing ideas for how to write it? Or do you have one written that you would like feedback on? If it's the former, I'd need a bit more specificity about the topic, that is, what aspects of children's literacy?

If you can give me a little more information, I'll try to steer you in the right direction!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Children's literacy essay - Need Help [5]

Greetings!

It sounds like you have some good ideas for a place to start. Sometimes it helps to make an outline first (doesn't have to be in perfect outline form, since it's only for you) to help you stay organized and remember the important points you want to make. If you'd like some editing help once you've got a rough draft, I'd be happy to help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Interpreter in a Howard County event; ACTIVITY of importance [7]

Greetings!

I think you have written an excellent paragraph! Just a couple of suggestions regarding punctuation, grammar and word choice:

"... two different languages ---- Chinese and English." More correct would be to use a colon: "two different languages: Chinese and English."

"After studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too." Better would be to say, "After studying in America for a year, I eventually adapted to the new culture here."

I think the word you are looking for might be "diversity," but rather than saying "the idea of diversity" perhaps "I can help to foster understanding of cultural diversity within the Penn State community, making it not only a university, but a world village."

Some of these changes are subtle, and certainly not the only correct way to say it. I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Comparison of steel and timber frame buildings?? (Offices) [2]

Greetings!

A number of factors spring to mind as being important when choosing building materials: cost, energy efficiency, availability, impact on the environment, aesthetics, and variables related to strength and endurance such as climate, potential of earthquakes, flood, high winds, etc.

Googling "Comparison of steel and timber frame buildings" brought up some information that looks useful, including a thesis called. "Which is Better? - Steel, Concrete or Wood" That might be enough to get you started, particularly the "References" section, which will lead you to numerous articles.

I hope this proves helpful for you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Interpreter in a Howard County event; ACTIVITY of importance [7]

Greetings!

Standing out from the crowd can certainly be a challenge. While I don't know how many applicants Penn State may have who speak both Chinese and English, I would think your having experience as an interpreter would help make you stand out to an extent. The only additional suggestion I might make is that, if you have any specific ideas about how you might assist your fellow students from other cultures, you might list them. It's great to have good intentions, and even better to have good ideas! :)

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Immigrants from China- Choose a Topic(value a diverse community) [2]

Greetings!

You are fortunate that you are exactly the sort of person the school is saying they value: one from another culture, who can bring diversity to the university. Your life experiences are broader than someone who has always lived in the same place and been surrounded by familiar things and people all his life. It took a certain amount of courage and belief in yourself to make such a big change. Think about your strengths and the challenges you have been through to get where you are, and use those to show the school that you are someone who will be both at home in their community and unique to it as well.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Interpreter in a Howard County event; ACTIVITY of importance [7]

Greetings!

If the paragraph you wrote, above, is the maximum length it can be, you could take out a little bit to make room for the American Help Union part, without losing anything too important. For example:

I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County event. I feel fortunate that I can speak two different languages: Chinese and English. After studying in America for a year, I have adapted to the new culture. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come here, so I can be of assistance to them. I am planning to organize an America Help Union to assist students who are new in this country. At the same time, I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the university community, making it not only a university, but also a world village.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Every thing was gray in my eye, the sky, buildings, ground, people, and even buses. Is this America? [4]

Greetings!

Your essay does an excellent job of conveying how challenging it is to be suddenly thrust into a brand new culture and feel very isolated. Your command of English is good for someone who has not been speaking and writing it for a long time. However, as with any language, grammar can be tricky, and there are also certain ways of expressing things that might be technically grammatically correct, yet not be the way a native English speaker would say it.

Some things to get you started with editing:

Don't start a sentence with a number: "Three hundred twenty-seven days ago ... "

In English, nouns generally require articles: "through a 14-hour, 8,579-mile flight"

"the land of the United States." - but that sounds like a foreigner talking. Just say, "the United States."

"Without exciting," - I'm not sure what you are trying to say here; just take this phrase out and it'll be fine.

"I dragged my heavy suitcase passed through " - take out "passed"

"I doubt that if I was sent to a never-land." - say, "I began to doubt I had been sent to a never-land."

I can't go through the entire essay for you and correct the whole thing, but I would strongly suggest that, if at all possible, you get an English-speaking friend to read it and make suggestions. If that's not possible, go through it sentence by sentence and double-check your grammar and sentence construction.

You have a great start here, just polish it up a little and it will shine!

Thanks,

Sarah

Essays / Two short essays - I don't understand what's being asked of me! [2]

Greetings!

I can understand your confusion. Let's try to cut through the fancy language and get to what it means.

"How do we understand, read, and define represented bodies whether in the mass media, fine art, or fashion?" - By "represented bodies" I assume he means images. So, how do we perceive images/pictures? How do our own experiences influence how we interpret these images?

"demonstrating how the body can be deployed as a site/sight that troubles traditional 'binary' relationships within 'representation'. - This one's a little denser, so let's take it one part at a time: "deployed" = used; "site/sight" = location/image; "troubles" = "to agitate; stir up" [probably the best choice among the definitions]; "binary" = two; "representation" = expression by a symbol; image. So that gives us "how the body can be used as both a location and an image that agitates or stirs up traditional relationships involving two (of something) as it relates to symbolism or imagery." My guess would be that the binary relationship he's interested in is that between the viewer of an image and the image itself -- though I could be wrong about that.

I don't even know what class this assignment is for, so it's a little difficult to focus my interpretation of these instructions in the right direction. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. Most instructors are glad to explain an assignment to a student who doesn't understand it. A few are not. You won't know unless you try.

I hope you're able to make some headway with this. Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Every thing was gray in my eye, the sky, buildings, ground, people, and even buses. Is this America? [4]

Greetings!

I would think that you are an extremely hard-working, intelligent, and exceptionally brave young person who would be an asset to the university!

While colleges these days certainly want students who are academically gifted, they also want students who will become successful in their fields and who demonstrate leadership abilities. Those who show the determination and initiative that you apparently have will be those who are noticed most by admissions committees.

I wish you the best in your educational pursuits!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Term Paper: Which is the lesser of two evils? [4]

Greetings!

Unfortunately, it probably depends on your instructor. For some, a minimum is a minimum, and to fall short is to receive an automatic deduction. Others might not see it that way. I can give you some thoughts on how to lengthen your paper, which you may or may not have employed already:

1. Present the opposite argument and show how it is flawed.
2. You don't say whether this essay requires the use of sources. If it is allowed, do some additional research and include quotes from the authors. Remember that, under APA citation rules, direct quotations of more than 40 words are put in their own paragraph in a free-standing block quotation on a new line, indented five spaces from the left margin. This can take up a lot of room!

3. Extend your subject to include a comparison with what is taught in private schools, or to explore the history of fine arts in the public schools -- how did the teaching of fine arts in public schools begin? What trends or social phenomena caused this to change over time?

4. Use the maximum margins allowed.

The only way to really know whether a lower page count is acceptable for this assignment is to ask your instructor, but if that's not an option for you, I hope these suggestions will help.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The Conditions of the Concentration Camps; Setting - Elie Wiesel's Night help [2]

Greetings!

Remember that the conclusion is a short summary of the points made in the paper. Since each paragraph should make its own point that supports your main topic, your conclusion can often consist of one sentence for each paragraph, summarizing the point of that paragraph. The last sentence or two should leave the reader with something to think about after reading the essay.

Not having read Wiesel's book, I can't give you an appropriate compound sentence, but just by way of example: "One thing never changes: man's inhumanity to man." That's a bit cliched, but you can see the pattern used there, and in your own Darwin example.

If you'd like to post your conclusion once it's written, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I had come upon a force that I could not understand; Academic Preparation [2]

Greetings!

If the question is designed to allow you to tell about events that shaped your academic preparation, I'm not sure you are really addressing the issue at hand. You do a good job of explaining stressful events in your life, but the transition to the "silver linings" is quite abrupt and I can't quite see the relation between those two statements and what you've written above. You might want to focus more on the specifics of your academic achievements.

A few observations about the writing:

When you say, "These struggles ranged from ..." you must then use "to..." For example, "These struggles ranged from academics and sports to my family life."

I had that constant scolding of, "Your not going to make into college at this rate!" - The first part is in the dreaded passive voice. Who was doing the scolding? "My parents were constantly scolding me, saying, 'You're not going to make it into college at this rate!' " Note that "Your" should be "You're" because it's a contraction for "You are."

Be sure you are answering the question that is actually being asked and it should help keep you on the right course.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Music- Competitiveness, stress, relief, expand wonders- UC / Potential to contribute [2]

Greetings!

This is a fine start. I have just a few suggestions:

"all my life ever since I was 5" is a contradiction. I'd take out "ever since I was 5" since you go on to say that in the next sentence.

Say "gained leadership skills by teaching students"

"my section has won the highest award called sweepstakes a couple times" would sound better as "My section has twice won Sweepstakes, the highest award in [name of contest, division, whatever]."

You jump around a bit in time. Try making it a little more chronological to avoid confusion.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Term Paper: Which is the lesser of two evils? [4]

Hm, yes, I've run into that phenomen myself! For as picky as some instructors can be, it often appears that they have not truly thought the assignment all the way through.

When possible, add yet another source!

I wish you the best!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [6]

Greetings, Maria--

These are very well-written essays! I tweaked a few things, but they didn't need much improvement in my opinion.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [6]

Another well-written essay, although I did make a few more changes this time. See what you think.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [6]

Wow! You and your family have certainly had some traumatic experiences. I hope things are better now.

I would strongly advise you to take out the part I placed in brackets. I am not sure that the events you describe should be made public. I can see how such revelations would affect you deeply; maybe you could describe them in more general terms (a serious business setback, or something like that). I understand that you want to convey the serious difficulties you have overcome, but I think that the people who read this might be uncomfortable knowing the details you described.

As to the question of explaining your grades . . . hmmm. Was it for different reasons than the ones you stated in your essay? If your grades are likely to have an effect on your admission status (and they probably are), I would listen to your counselor's advice. You may be able to make a smooth connection between the effects of moving overseas and the drop in your grades, even if moving wasn't the only factor. If length of the essay is a problem, I'd advise you to shorten the section on the different schools you attended. I am not sure that listing them by name and giving details about them is helpful. It might be enough to say you attended 5 schools in however many years it was, and what cities they were in (and include the country where Cerrito is located).

I hope these suggestions help. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Greetings!

I would be happy to go over these for you, but first I need to know--were you asked to use APA style, or some other?

Let me know and I'll go over them (probably in the morning!)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Greetings!

That's OK. I was pretty sure it must be APA, since your topics are scientific, but I had to check.

First of all, the APA format doesn't use the footnote style for citations; it calls for in-text citations instead. Footnotes are used for explanatory material. However, many instructors want their students to cite with footnotes, even if that's not strictly kosher. In that case, you have to wing it, since APA doesn't have rules for footnote citations. What I do is use the bibliographic APA format, just like you've done.

As to that format, you're very close to right. Your entries just need a little tweaking.

Here's your first one:

Suzuki, D. (August 18, 2006). Public doesn't understand global warming. Science Matters. Retrieved November 10, 2006, from, davidsuzuki.org

The author is done correctly, but you need to switch the order of the date: (2006, August 18).
Italicize Science Matters. Since this is an electronic source, you are right to include the date of retrieval, but you need to take out the comma after "2006" (and the one after "from," which I'm sure was an accident). The web address should be given in its entirety. What I usually do is go to the page I am citing and copy the whole address out of the window, then paste it on the entry. You'll need a period at the end of the entry (and all entries).

Now to the book:

Mckibben, B. The environmental issue from hell. In D. Spears (Ed.), Improving Reading Skills (pp. 349-355). City College, San Francisco.

Is the "k" in Mckibben supposed to be capitalized? (Just checking!) Everything is correct, with two exceptions: you need to italicize "Improving Reading Skills," and change the "," after the city of publication to ":".

Now the video:

Suzuki, D. (Director/Researcher), Walker, D (Producer). (1998). Nature of Things: Nuclear Power - The Hot Debate [video]. CBC Television

You left out the period after the producer's initial (oops!). Everything else is spot-on (except that final period).

As to the annotated bibliography section: the same rules as above, which means they look good to me!

In case you don't already have a source, a web site I use a lot for APA is:

owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/01

They also have a site for MLA.

Good luck with your research. You've done an excellent job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Reference Citation and Bibliography [8]

Oops, I almost forgot!

Use the hanging indent style for all entries. This means to indent (the standard is .5") on the 2nd and subsequent lines. Most word processing programs have a feature allowing you to format your paragraphs, with "hanging indent" as one of the choices. That's what I use.

Again, good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'a science television show' - University of California Admissions Essay #2 [2]

Greetings!

Oh, there aren't that many errors! Just a few minor changes and your essay will be ready.

Here is what you have written, and what I suggest:

"The University of California has a long history of students who have a plethora of talents, experiences, contributions, and personal qualities that supplies the colleges with a well-rounded student body."

I love the word "plethora," but I think "wealth" would be more idiomatically correct here.

"Characteristics of a jock were something I didn't seem to have."

I would change this to: "I didn't have the characteristics of a jock." Or, if you want to be very idiomatic, you could say: "I was no jock."

"One day when I was watching a science television show, I began to be fascinated at how certain liquids would produce devastating solutions."

I see what you're getting at here, but you don't want the UC schools to think you have the slightest interest in blowing things up! Maybe "amazing" instead of "devastating"? You are the best judge of the point you want to make, but I would advise caution.

"Science is a big part of my life . . . " This needs to start a new paragraph.

"Every exam that I took, it would pleasure me because I loved chemistry dearly."

A better way to say this would be: "Every exam I took gave me great pleasure because I loved chemistry so much." Or you could say: ". . . because I enjoyed chemistry so much."

"Formulas, liquids, matter were parts of chemistry that enchanted me extremely."

You need to change the first part of the sentence: "Formulas, liquids and matter . . . " I also suggest rewording the last part: ". . . parts of chemistry I found fascinating." Or: ". . . parts of chemistry I found extremely interesting."

"Chemistry is an interest that I hope I will master and I will bring that excitement to the University of California."

It might be better to substitute "a subject" for "an interest." You also might consider whether you "hope" or "intend" to master it. ("Intend" implies that you are determined.) Either way, you need to insert a comma after "master."

That's all! These are really small matters (except the part about the "devastating solutions," which might worry them a little!). I hope you do very well with this essay and get into the university that you want the most!

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on bereavement - brief description of the bereaved child's grieving process [9]

Greetings!

I think the last sentence is a good conclusion already, since it sums up the challenge to the teacher and all the students. If anything, I would suggest expanding the part about the final stage of grieving. It's much shorter than the other stages.

If you still want to have a longer conclusion, you might try summing up (briefly) the information you've already included, then end with something like the sentence I mentioned above.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Growing up Belmont, San Francisco' - undergraduate Essay [3]

Greetings!

I see you've made some changes. Here's what I would suggest:

"Growing up in Belmont, San Francisco with two younger brothers, my life was perfect."

Insert a comman after "San Francisco."

"Although I failed to appreciate and value my life, I was innocent and unaware of all the pain and suffering in the world, more closely, at home."

I think this needs a little rewriting. How about this: "Like most teenagers, I failed to appreciate how good my life was. I was innocent and unaware of all the pain and suffering in the world--or in my own home."

"I went to a catholic private school, Immaculate Heart of Mary, joined Girl Scouts as a Daisy, and was involved in gymnastics and ballet."

Just capitalize "Catholic."

"We had the warmth of family friends all around us in the perfect community; resembling the perfect life."

I suggest changing the last part of the sentence (after the semi-colon) to "life was good." That's very idiomatic.

"Oblivious to my family's financial problems, I refused to move to another city, especially one that was on the other side of home, Hong Kong."

A better idiomatic phrase would be "the other side of the world."

"Within a year and a half, my family moved to Shanghai for the same reason."

Insert a comma after "Shanghai."

"Over the course of those years, I have learned a lot mentally and socially."

Take out "have" and change "mentally" to "intellectually."

"The cities for one were similar in the way that it was urban and cosmopolitan. But the languages spoken were not the same and so were the lifestyles of locals."

I think your meaning would be more clear if you rewrote the sentence something like this: "Both cities were urban and cosmopolitan, but the languages were not the same, and the local lifestyles were different."

"I have learned much from living in both cities, learning to communicate with people, navigating my path to the destination, assimilating myself culturally into the various societies present."

This might be better as two sentences: "I have learned much from living in both cities. I have discovered how to communicate with people, how to navigate to unfamiliar destinations, and how to assimilate myself into various cultures."

"The experience in itself was a lesson for me to connect myself with my own ethnic background."

I suggest adding "in how to": ". . . a lesson for me in how to connect . . . "

"In the three years in Asia, I attended four different international schools, which was personally very dissimilar from a small private school in the states."

Change "which was personally" to "all of them" and capitalize "States."

"As I was socially more exposed to activities such as camp outs, sewing classes, clay-modeling, and such from getting an international schooling education, I was eager to make the same kind of friends that I made back at home."

How about: "My exposure to social activities such as camp outs, sewing classes and clay-modeling during my international education left me eager to make the same kind of friends that I had at home."

"Through many indescribable emotional pains of unsteadiness and uncertainty through these years, I have always unconsciously placed my social life as a first priority."

I think you might mean to say "Because of" the pain. Maybe: "Because of the indescribable emotional pain, unsteadiness and uncertainty of those years, I . . . "

"Most of my attention throughout my high school career was spent on extra-curricular activities than on academics."

Change "Most" to "More."

"Although it is a regular course, my intelligence is incomparable to its standards of concept and work. After many attempts of trying in after school and out of school workshop and tutoring, Physics is just an impossible course for me."

I know what you mean! I don't understand Physics, either. But you might reconsider telling that to the schools. Maybe you could tell them that you found it a challenging subject, and you are still working on grasping the concepts. (You'll probably need to take it college, you know.) <groan>

"Most of my time was invested into C-HIGH TV productions, resulting in my staying after school for hours ranging from 6 to 8:30 pm at night, and other activities I had outside of school."

Change "into" to "in." Insert a comma after "hours." Take out "at night," since p.m. already tells you that.

"This accumulation of time, I regret, was not spent on the proper priority, thus, as an example of this lack of time, AP US History, carried a failing grade."

Suggested change: ". . . the proper priority, and as a result AP US History carried a failing grade."

One question: is this the end of the essay? It explains the grades, but it doesn't say much about why you would be an asset to the schools considering you for admission. I'm sure there are many, many other strong points you can tell them about. You have overcome a lot in the last few years, and they need to know what a wonderful person you've turned out to be!

Good luck in everything you do!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / PhD economics grad app essay ; MY PERSONAL JOURNEY [2]

Greetings!

What a great essay! You didn't leave much for me to do, but for what it's worth:

"My experience as a store buyer at Whole Foods Market has also let to my own personal experimentations with consumer choice."

I think you meant "led" instead of "let." (Darn those typos!)

"Merchandising, product mix, special pricing, and current consumer trends: all these factors and more contribute to my daily "research" of consumer behavior."

You might consider using a long dash instead of a colon. I think it would make the sentence a little more smooth.

"I am consistently checking movement reports on which products sell and which do not, arranging and re-arranging shelves and product to maximize efficiency and sales while keeping within the company's standards of merchandising."

Did you mean "product" or "products" (the second one)?

"I am eagerly looking forward to more research opportunities and being able to apply theories in a more personal way as I feel it provides a connection to all the studying of theories and principles I've been doing the past four years."

I think you need a comma after "personal way."

Everything else seems just right. Your love of economics is obvious, and you state your case very well, with good examples. Do you intend to submit the same essay for both questions? I think it covers both topics, but I didn't know if the same people will read them both.

Good luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SNOWBOARD+ CCD; Personal Statement: Montclair state university [3]

Greetings!

I know, sometimes it's hard to take an objective look at your own life; you're just too close!

What I think they're looking for is an idea of your character (are you willing to work, or are you a slacker--which, of course, you're not!). I recommend starting with your academic strengths. You can mention that you did well on the SATs, to show that was important to you and that you put effort into it. Tell them that you have a real interest in math, and you feel many paths are open to you. You might say that you feel college will give you an opportunity to explore the different career paths you might take. I'd put a positive spin on it--for instance, don't use the word "unsure," but instead concentrate on the possibilties you see ahead of you.

They will also want to know what you, as a student, will contribute to the university. If you are passionate about snowboarding and other sports, tell them so. If you have participated in competitions, tell them you will bring the same competitive spirit and enthusiasm to the university. You don't want to give them the impression, of course, that sports are all that interest you (that only works for football and basketball players ;-) ), but you can let them know that you want to be involved in activities on campus.

I hope this gives you a few ideas. You might try asking your friends and/or family what they think your strongest points are, too.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Green Team and Amnesty International' -Talent, experience, contribution - essay help [3]

Greetings, Veronica!

I like the way you structured your essay, like a story (being a writer, I would!). I'll try to answer each of your questions, not necessarily in the order you asked them:

"Is it clear my coach is talking to me?"

Yes, by the second sentence. However, I suggest you start the sentence with "The coach" instead of "He." I'm afraid that "He was looking into my eyes" kind of sounds like a romance novel. (Are you saying, "Eeeuuuwww!" yet?)

"I was planning to italicize the words in between the *...but should I?"

Yes, definitely. That is a common way to indicate internal dialogue.

"Is it clear that I'm even playing soccer?"

Not immediately. It could be any field sport. Maybe I should revise my above suggestion for the opening to "The soccer coach was looking into . . . " By the way, that sentence would be a little tighter if you put it into past tense: "My soccer coach looked into my eyes and said kindly, . . . " But it's up to you.

"Can you tell what personal quality I'm trying to illustrate? (I'm trying to show that I'm unconcerned as to what is "cool" and that everything I do is because I genuinely enjoy it.)"

Yeah, I get that. I think your story also indicates perseverance and an ability to roll with the punches.

"Can I even "contribute" those qualities?"

Absolutely! Those admissions people are looking for a variety of positive characteristics. Perseverance is one of them. You'll want to include some other strengths, too, though.

"Are my paragraph spilts ok?"

I think so.

"Thank you so much. Sorry I have so many questions, I'm just really stressed. :) "

No worries! I'm glad to help. I wish you the best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Academic Preparation, Open-Ended Response [2]

Greetings!

What great essays! I only have a few suggestions:

"Taking courses at College of San Mateo over the summer has not only taught me the basics of the business world and the uses of calculus in a real life situation; but has also inspired me to pursue a career in the business field."

Good sentence, but the semi-colon needs to be a comma.

"The initiative to take college classes while still in high school (not to mention over the summer) shows my determination and dedication to not only advance my own education but also to prepare me for college."

I made a couple of changes in this sentence (took out "in itself", added parentheses, took out comma).

"The experience would also give me enough insight into the possible educational paths to finally decide that business would be the choice of study that I would want to pursue in college."

"The experience also gave me . . . " makes the sentence more immediate.

"It was an experience that would demonstrate what I've learned thus far, how much I've taken advantage of my opportunities that have prepared me for college, and that I'm ready for college itself."

Again, it's better not to use "would"; just say "demonstrated."

"My most notable weaknesses are in the math, science, and foreign language subjects."

I would either say "weaknesses are in the subjects of math, . . . " or leave the sentence structured the way it is, but change "subjects" to "areas."

"I express my willingness and aspiration to makeup for my grades by going beyond the required course work for both high school graduation and UC admission in several subject areas including those where I struggle the most."

Insert a comma between "areas" and "including."

"Since my freshman year, I have taken a variety of challenging classes and although I do not perform well in all of them, I still pass the majority with exemplary grades."

Insert a comma after "classes."

"This habit of challenging myself shows that I am a motivated person who is eager to learn and press forward even though there are a few grades that would seem to suggest otherwise."

You need some sort of punctuation after "forward." A comma would do, but if it were me, I'd put a long dash. It's more--well, dashing!

Altogether, these are very good essays. It's always best to emphasize your best qualities, of course, but it's also wise to 'fess up to your shortcomings (especially when the people reading your essay are also reading your transcript). And you've done a good job of stating your intent to work hard and do better.

I hope these suggestions help. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A few Tasks: upper floor construction / Precast concrete upper floors [5]

Greetings, Graham!

I've found some information that might help. From the top:

task 2. Precast concrete hollowcore plank combined with metal-stud framing can cost up to 20% less than a steel frame with cast-in-place concrete floors. Precast is faster and lighter. Costs can be cut by using the undersides of the planks as ceilings & just applying paint. The upper surface floors can be finished using a grout mix to smooth the joints & smooth out irregularities between the slabs. No special topping is needed. Precast planking gets a two-hour fire rating and high Sound Transmission Coefficient ratings as well.

Essays / A few Tasks: upper floor construction / Precast concrete upper floors [5]

(I'm posting each answer separately because we're having heavy rain here and the electricity keeps going out, eating my hard work!)

task 3. Active measures include devices such as fire alarm and detection systems or sprinklers that require either human intervention or automatic activation. They help control fire spread. Passive fire protection measures are built into the structural system. The builder's choice of building materials, the dimensions of building components, compartmentation, and fire protection materials effect the fire spread. They need to provide sufficient fire resistance to prevent loss of structural stability within a prescribed time period based on the building's occupancy and fire safety objectives. NIST has come up with a best practice guideline.

Compartmentation calls for specially constructed fire doors that are to be kept closed at all times to prevent smoke and fire from spreading and to provide a protected escape route. Fire dampers, fire glass and fire- and smoke-resistant walls also help contain damage.

Conventional methods of fire escape are an open iron stairway on the building's exterior or an enclosed fire- and smoke-proof stairway. The iron stairway is the most common for multi-storied buildings when height allows it. Fire-resistant escape chutes could be used for occupants of upper floors, although they are primarily designed as a backup measure. Occupancy of the building and the time it would take to evacuate everyone are considerations when determining which type of escape method to provide.

Essays / A few Tasks: upper floor construction / Precast concrete upper floors [5]

task 5. It appears that each manufacturer has their own set of specifications for their ceilings. I did find this info from Armstrong: their suspended ceilings require a minimum of 3" of overhead clearance. If you are installing recessed lighting, measure the height of the light and add 2" of overhead clearance. Fiberglass suspended ceilings require a minimum clearance of 2-1/2".

This may not be the kind of specifications you need, so I recommend looking up individual manufacturers info.

Access, or raised, flooring is an elevated flooring system that can range in height from as low as 2" to as high as 72". It is comprised of 2'-0" square panels supported by various types of understructure systems. The panels vary in weight, strength and finish depending on the type of application. The understructure consists of pedestals that elevate the corners of each panel and also vary according to the type of application. They are designed to enhance performance in offices and equipment rooms and are non-combustible. The manufacturers also claim they are solid, quiet, lightweight, have excellent grounding and electrical continuity, are interchangeable with other panel strengths and have great rolling and ultimate load performances.

Hope this info is something like what you're looking for. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / 18 and 19 century - revolutionary social, political, and economic changes research paper [4]

Greetings!

Good to see you back again. I know how it is when you've read your own work to death; you just want someone else to look at it with fresh eyes. So let's see what I can do, at least for the opening part.

"The women's movement was one among the varying conflicts that struggled to gain strength, support, and more importantly direction."

Needs a comma after "importantly."

"Women were troubled by their current social condition and sought to improve upon it, however, their movement for change became increasingly complex or, conversely, increasingly versatile."

How about changing "however" to "even as"? If you don't want to do that, you need to either change the comma after "upon it" to a semi-colon or break it into two sentences at that point.

"The two approaches to the women's movement have converse supporting arguments, yet it is their opposing arguments that unite them to form the feminist movement because it is that opposition what has allowed the two approaches to feed off each other."

Needs a comma after "feminist movement." Also, I think you meant "that has allowed" rather than "what has allowed." :-)

"It created an ultimatum for society since the opposition to one placed them in support of the other."

How about this: ". . . since supporters of one were placed in opposition to the other." My reasoning is that "society" is really a single thing, whereas the pronoun "them" refers to many individuals. (I know, society is composed of individuals, but as a whole, it's one thing.)

I won't try to do the entire paper at one sitting, but I think you're off to a very good start. I also think that if you go at it again, looking for the kind of nit-picky stuff I mentioned above, you'll find some things you want to change. There are a few typos, but that's why we have spell-check, right? I've spotted some areas that don't quite make sense (probably victims of cut-and-paste disease). Also check your tenses to make sure they match, look for run-on sentences (I see a few) and make sure you're using the right type of pronoun to refer to single or multiple things, like in the "society" example.

As far as content goes, you've done a great job of researching! The part about Lady Mary Montagu is very good. I think that Ourika is a little awkward, stuck in there right at the end. Could she perhaps appear sooner?

The section about the salons is a bit lengthy. I'm not sure what I would cut there; you are the best judge of which points are the most important. I found that section somewhat hard to comprehend, most likely because of the cut-and-paste disease, but also because that's where most of the run-on sentences ended up. I'd advise you to read it out loud and see how you think it sounds. You may have an "Ah ha!" moment or two. :-))

If you want to repost after making some changes, I'd be happy to look at it again. I think you have the makings of a very fine paper. Keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com