Essays / The Things They Carried By Tim O'Brien [12]

Greetings!

I couldn't quite tell from your post just what your questions are. Can you be more specific?

The assignment seems to be designed to get you thinking about the dilemma of being truthful when you are in a war-time situation, and also the difficulty of deciding what is true and what isn't. I haven't read this particular book, but it looks like you need to consider how truthful the main characters are, given their situations, and use some scenes to illustrate your points.

I hope this gives you some idea where to start. If you want to post with an expanded definition of what you need, please do so!

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Personal Statement (applying for Development studies) [5]

Greetings!

Your essay states your reasons for applying to the program clearly. I understand now what Development Studies are!

I'm happy to help you with the proofreading. I didn't find much that needs to be changed, but there were a few things, starting with your first post:

"The fact that Tajikistan is going through a transition with massive policy and practice reformation challenges ahead, I feel my country needs trained human resources in the domain of development management."

To make this more idiomatically correct, I suggest taking out the comma and replacing it like this: ". . . challenges ahead leads me to feel that my country . . . "

"The very fact that I'm national with an opportunity to study abroad I would be much better placed to advise on development actions by blending modern approaches with those that would work in our context."

You need to insert the article "a" before "national", since you're using it as a noun. I also would also insert "means that" before "I would be" to make the meaning of the sentence more clear.

"The program in Britain, bears special importance for me at this stage of my career."

Take out the comma.

"In that regard, I want to learn, and understand and get more experience of develoment studies/management."

I would begin the sentence like this: "In that regard, I want to learn, understand and get more . . . " Also, "development" seems to have lost its "p." :-)

I hope these suggestions help. I will look at the second paragraph in a separate post.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: From ARPANET to the Internet [4]

Greetings, Michael!

You have written a fine expository essay! I saw only a few places where changes need to be made:

"It has evolved from that feeble and quite slow age computing."

I think you left out "of" in front of "computing."

"The Internet has turned into a device that provides services for almost any age."

Did you mean "any age of consumer"?

"It can be used as the ever so profound communication service, which can include all ranges of communication including those of advertising purposes."

Insert hypens in "ever-so-profound". I would also change "of advertising" to "for advertising."

"However, with such and ease of use and simply enjoyable experience of email, we also must deal with the annoying advertisements commonly referred to as spam or junk."

I think you probably didn't mean to include "and" between "such" and "ease".

"The answer is simple, the Internet is huge."

A colon would be better in this sentence than a comma.

"If the Internet were not available, many of these big companies might not have nearly as many sales as possible because of lack of advertising."

"As possible" isn't necessary in this sentence.

"A company can not reach its full potential if it does not have all the proper tools; such as the Internet and good web design or graphic design.

"Cannot" is one word, and the semi-colon should be a comma.

"The Internet isn't all about making loads of money, there are also many excellent sources for those in need of information."

This time you need a semi-colon instead of a comma.

"This is more of a accessory rather than a necessity for the public."

I think you meant "an accessory."

Good job! You've got a clear introduction with a thesis statement, you explain and expand in the body of the text, and you sum it all up in the concluding paragraph. It's does just what this type of essay is supposed to do.

Best wishes, and good luck in all your endeavors!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: From ARPANET to the Internet [4]

You're welcome--I was glad to help!

Isn't the thesaurus a great tool? I love mine! I use the thesaurus feature in Word all the time.

Good luck!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Greetings!

Nice to see you back again!

This sounds like an interesting project. Let's take a look at what you have so far:

"Introduction?"

Yes, indeed, the first paragraph is an introduction. No question about it. :-) From there on, you're into the body of your text.

"I could have chosen a few different themes to work with from this interview but I chose the themes teacher training and gender difference."

I recommend inserting a semi-colon after "interview", dropping "but" an inserting "of" after "themes."

"As the individual didn't willingly like to be recorded, I wrote the conversation on paper which can be seen in the appendix."

How about something like: "Since [or, As] this individual was not willing to be recorded, I transcribed the conversation, which can be seen in the appendix."

"The person interviewed will be regarded as Mrs. X in this report and the educational experiences described in the interview will not be named for confidentiality reasons."

Do you mean the location of the educational experiences will not be revealed?

"I contacted Mrs. X by posting her a letter and consent form with a stamped self-addressed envelope for returning, asking would she be willing to contribute to my research project by letting me interview her for one hour, regarding her life in primary school, her teacher training experience and working as a primary school teacher."

This needs to be condensed a little. How about saying ". . . a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. I requested a one-hour interview regarding her teacher training experience and life as a primary school teacher."

"I informed her that I would like to tape the conversation for my own purposes and that the conversation would be confidential I also enclosed a list of questions that I wanted to discuss so in the interview she would be aware of the questions I wanted to ask even though I did inform her I probably wouldn't ask all of the questions."

I think you're missing some punctuation here. You need a period after "confidential", and the second sentence could use tightening up: "I enclosed a list of questions and informed her I would be choosing some of them for discussion in our interview."

"On receiving the consent form, the individual had enclosed her telephone number so we could arrange a time to suit us both. I telephoned her and we arranged to meet on the 3rd of November 2006 at her home."

"The individual" sounds very clinical, which is fine if that is the tone you want to establish. Personally, I would prefer to use "Mrs. X," but that may not be your choice. :-) Actually, on second look, the paragraph needs some clarification: "Mrs. X [or, The individual] returned the consent form along with her telephone number, and we arranged to meet on the 3rd of November at her home."

OK, you're off to a good start! I'll be looking for more posts as you work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Hello again!

I'll need to look at your essay in two different posts, so please bear with me!

"On the 3rd of December at 1.00 p.m. I called to Mrs. X to conduct the interview and we sat in the lounge and I started by asking her questions about her primary school experience."

How about changing this to two sentences: "On the 3rd of December at 1.00 p.m., I called on Mrs. X to conduct the interview. We sat in the lounge, and I started by asking her questions about her primary school experience."

"I asked open ended questions so I would not be soliciting any bias answers and also allowed her to elaborate if she wanted to."

Insert a hypen in "open-ended." "Bias" needs to be "biased". I would end this sentence there, then continue: "This method also allowed her . . . "

"'A second conception of the interview is that of a transaction which inevitable has bias, which is to be recognised and controlled'. (Cohen)"

You might want to check your quotation; it probably says "inevitably" rather than "inevitable." Also, the period needs to be moved to after the citation. If you are citing in MLA format, you need to add the page number of your quotation (don't use a comma between the author's name and the page number). If you are using APA or some other format, you can let me know and I'll look up the rule.

"As well as this listening to her response and preparing the next question."

Hmm . . . I'm not sure of your meaning. Are you trying to say that you would listen to her response and then choose the next question based on what the response had been?

"After a brief few minutes The individual started to feel at ease and more relaxed as Ken Howarth in The Oral History Handbook calls the 'Warming up period'."

If you want to say "the individual" rather than "Mrs. X", use a small "t." :-) I would end the sentence at that point, then start a new one: "Ken Howard, in The Oral History Handbook, calls this the 'warming up period.'" Notice that the period needs to go before the quotation mark. (Just as an aside, you may notice that I use the double quotation mark; that's just the difference between British [pardon me, Irish] and American English.) Again, if you are writing in MLA format, you will need to cite the page number of your quotation in parentheses, with the period following.

"Her background was very disciplined, her father was a sergeant and her mother was very musical."

Use a semi-colon rather than a comma.

"There was corporal punishment in the school but she doesn't ever remember being slapped."

Insert a comma after "school."

"In 6th Class she received a scholarship in the Primary Cert to go to St. Anne's secondary school where she received her Intercert."

Insert commas after "6th Class" and "school."

"There was eighteen children in the class there."

Use "were" rather than "was", since "children" is plural.

"She was taught Irish, Mathematics, English, History, Geography, Latin, Domestic Science, physiology and Christian Doctrine."

I think that "Physiology" should be capitalized, since all the rest are.

"The priest would visit to give an oral exam on the Doctrine. All of the subjects were taught through Irish except for History and Geography."

I would say "in Irish" rather than "through Irish"--unless that's the idiomatic way to say it on your side of the pond. :-)

"Husband did all of his subjects through Irish."

Insert "Her" before "husband."

"Honours Irish was a requirement for the teacher training course and needed 2,000 marks to get a good job."

I would say "in order to get a good job."

All right, that takes us about halfway through. I'll be "back in a few," as we say over here. Hang tight!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Greetings--I'm back!

OK, let's finish:

"They had a choice of doing a 3yr course In Trinity college in Dublin City but Mrs. X went to Mary Immaculate College in Limerick City and boarded there."

I would specify who "they" are; "Education students", perhaps? "In" doesn't need to be capitalized, but "College" does. Also, spell out "three-year" and insert a comma after "Dublin City."

"Most pupils didnt go to Trinity as it was too expensive. Had to pay fees of 64 pounds a year and extras."

I see three problems here: you need an apostrophe in "didn't", you need to insert a comma after "Trinity," and your third sentence is incomplete. How about: " . . . expensive; students had to pay . . . "

"The I.N.T.O was complaining about the preparatory schools as they felt it was unfair that pupils who went to these schools had a unfair advantage over pupils who completed their Leaving Certificate and who were trying to gain access to the teaching colleges.

All nuns lecturing and they would inspect the cleaning"

First, you need a period after the "O" in "I.N.T.O." As to the rest: the first sentence is too long, and the second is incomplete and unclear. Let's see . . . how about: "The I.N.T.O. complained that the graduates of preparatory school had an unfair advantage over pupils . . . " I'm not sure what the nuns have to do with this. Oh, I think I see--you're describing life in the prep schools, is that correct?

If that's the case, then you need to introduce that topic. Maybe, "Life in the preparatory schools was strict and regimented." Or something like that. You can tie that in with Mrs. X's upbringing, since you said her father was strict.

Back to the nuns: "The nuns inspected the pupil's dormitories [or classrooms--whatever Mrs. X told you] for cleanliness, and gave stern lectures if conditions didn't meet their expectations." Is that close to what you meant? Going on:

"Sewing was every evening for half an hour and they had a Easter Oral Sewing Exam which included hemming, cross stitching, Running, Back Stitch, Blanket stitch, French seam, Fell seam, hedgetear, Woolen patch, Darn, Knit heel of a sock."

How about: "Every evening, the pupils received sewing instruction; an oral sewing exam every Easter included . . . " In the list, you only need to capitalize "French." Also, insert "and" before the last item.

"Lot of music =piano, choral work, voice training, Ballroom dancing, Tango"

Sounds like this came straight from your notes. :-)) Try: "There was extensive musical instruction in piano, chorus, and vocal training, as well as lessons in ballroom dancing and the tango."

"All letters were opened, in and out. They were given at 8.30 in the evening when they were doing sewing."

How about: "Pupils received their mail at 8.20 in the evening, during sewing instruction. All correspondence, incoming and outgoing, was inspected by the nuns."

"Silence was emphasised in the corridors and there were penalties if caught talking which was a week without being allowed to talk."

How about: "Silence was required in the corridors; students caught talking would be penalized by a week of enforced silence."

"Nuns watched at top and bottom of stairs to enforce the rules."

Insert "the" in front of "top," "bottom" and "stairs."

"They were allowed a visit one Sunday a month."

You need to specify that the students were allowed the visits. Otherwise, it sounds like the nuns were.

"Had criticism lessons or demonstrations in the main hall on a Friday afternoon every week or every two weeks."

You can insert "They" at the beginning of the sentence, since you just (I assume) changed the above sentence and mentioned the students. :-)

"The student who was doing the lesson stood in centre and a primary class was brought in for the lesson to be practiced on."

Insert "the" before "centre" and a comma after "lesson."

"When the children left, the lecturers then proceeded to tell you what you had done wrong."

It's not a good idea to switch point of view here to "you." Keep it in the third person and say, " . . . proceeded to tell the critic what she had done wrong." (I'm assuming this was an all-girl school.)

"This was a negative approach though it helped in some way and was done in every subject."

I would say, "Although this was a negative approach, it helped in some ways and . . . "

"The directions had to be given in Irish and communicate to class in Irish."

I'm not sure about this; are the giving of directions and the communicating to the class two different things? If so, I would finish the sentence: " . . . and communication to the class was in Irish, too."

"They had a Cert for Christian Doctrine (Like Dip. Religion now)"

"Like" doesn't need to be capitalized. I think you should spell out "Diploma" (if that's what "Dip." stands for). And you need a period at the end of the sentence.

"As Mrs. X was in the Teacher traingin college from 1958 till 1960, the marraige ban that had come into effect in 1932 didnt restarin her as this decision was removed from the code in June 30 1958 by Minister Mr.Lynch and had been operative since July 1, 1958."

Oops--you've got some typos. Check your spelling on "training," "marriage," and "restrain." You also need an apostrophe in "didn't," a comma after "her," commas on either side of the first "1958," and a space between "Mr." and "Lynch." I would end the sentence after this gentleman's name, since the rest restates what you just said.

I'm guessing that you wrote this last part in a hurry, is that right? :-) I understand, believe me!

As for your question about context: I'm not much more clear about what they want than you are, but I would assume that you're supposed to tie Mrs. X's current teaching practices to her educational background. For instance, does she run a strict classroom because of her strict training, or does she go in the opposite direction? How much Irish does she speak to her pupils? Does she include Irish stories and/or history? Are the sewing lessons still a part of the modern curricula (I hope not!), and if so, how does she feel about that? Does she think pupils today are too loud, compared with the relative silence of her schooling? I suggest taking each element that you have written about and asking yourself how Mrs. X is incorporating it (or rejecting it) in her classroom today.

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck, and best wishes!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Hullo--

Well then, maybe you can use her training experiences as a contrast to training today. You'd certainly find some differences! And you could use the all-girl school in the gender theme. If she said anything at all about how she ran her classroom, I would include that.

I'm guessing that they want you to compare the modern day methods of instruction to those of the past. What is life like for education students today, compared to Mrs. X's experiences? The lifting of the marriage ban is one big difference for women (which also addresses the gender issue). Are more men getting into the profession nowadays? Are there salary differences between the sexes? Is teacher training more professional? Are practices like the criticism lectures encouraged or discouraged? Are music and dancing still taught?

Since your information is almost exclusively about teacher training, that's what I'd focus on.

Good luck!

Sarah

I realized as I was writing this that all the sewing and dancing--the girl stuff--might have occurred in Mrs. X's school days before she received teacher training. Or did she receive special teaching instruction at all? It may be that this will be clear to an Irish reader, but since I'm not familiar with the educational system there (especially in Mrs. X's day), I'm a little confused.

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Yeah, I thought music might still be part of the curriculum (I took a class called Methods of Teaching Music when I was getting my degree), but I kind of doubted they still teach the tango. ;-)

It's a very interesting view of how times have changed!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

I wish we'd learned dancing when I was in school! I got stuck with Methods of Teaching Physical Education. :-(

Adding the additional details gives your paper more immediacy, in my opinion. I feel for Mrs. X; I wouldn't want to have been a student in her school!

Good luck with the essay. I wish I could give you more ideas on the context portion, but I'm pretty much tapped out. Take care!

Sarah

Book Reports / ROLE OF THE MYSTIC UTTERANCE "OM"; Herman Hesse's Siddhartha [2]

Greetings!

Boy, does this take me back! I read Siddhartha about a gazillion years ago. I think you did a fine job of describing the role that Om plays in Siddhartha's journey. I like your writing style very much; having said that, I also think you've either had a few cut-and-paste accidents, or started a revision here and there without quite finishing it. That can happen when you're trying to get something from your computer into a post!

Let me give you an example:

"Near the unknowingly end of Siddhartha's quest, after many years of frustration, Siddhartha listens strongly to the flowing river of which has has lived with for many years."

I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant to write. I would question what you mean by "unknowingly end" and "the flowing river of which [he] has lived with for many years."

I'll give you the same advice I give to all articulate, native-English speakers like yourself: read your essay out loud, listening very carefully to what you are saying. The goofy stuff will jump out at you! I use that method myself, and I never fail to find something on the page that's way different from what I meant to say.

You show a lot of insight in what you wrote; just look for the spots that don't make sense when you hear them, and you'll do well. Oh--and in the last sentence, use a semi-colon instead of a comma after "relationship." :-)

Best of luck, and enjoy your winter break!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

I think you've got it pretty well covered, although I'm certainly no expert on Irish educational policy history. :-) But yes, it does make sense, and I think this is probably exactly the kind of thing they are looking for in your essay. The part about the pensions is another good example of gender preferances.

I'd advise you to change "teaching on marriage" in the second sentence to "teaching when they got married." Otherwise, it sounds like they were banned from teaching the subject of marriage.

Be sure to read the whole essay out loud when you finish it, paying close attention to what you hear. That way you can catch any small errors that you overlooked when reading it, or any sentences that aren't quite as clear as you'd like them to be.

Hope this helps!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Well, the usual way to write a concluding paragraph is to restate your thesis, then sum up the points you have made in the body text, along with any solutions you may be able to offer, or suggestions for further research into the topic.

In this case, I believe your thesis was that educational training methods have changed considerably since Mrs. X's day, is that correct? You could then say something about how the situation is better now for women, and why; you could also mention how the strict schooling she received has been replaced by _______ (I'm not sure what, but I'll bet you know, since you're going through it!).

I don't know that this type of essay requires solutions or suggestions for further research, but you might say something about the general state of teacher education in Ireland ("Teachers today are fortunate that Irish teacher education has progressed in attitude and policy", or something like that).

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

You can only include the things you can find. :-)

I hope this will go well for you. You've certainly put a lot of effort into it!

I'm retiring for the evening, but I wanted to wish you the best before I went. Take care!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / PUBLIC UNIVERSITY OR A PRIVATE ONE? [3]

Greetings!

I'll be glad to help with your essay. I think you've done a good job of outlining the advantages and disadvantages of private vs. public universities. Now for the proofreading:

"Private universities fascinate students with the opportunities they offer: various social activities, physical facilities, and renowned academic stuff."

"Stuff" is a very informal word. I would choose something more formal, since this is an academic essay. Maybe "courses" or "offerings" would work for you.

"First obvious difference, between private and public univerties is the physical facilities they offer."

Add "The" before "first" and delete the comma.

"The libraries, classrooms, cafeterias, sports centers of private universities are more modern than the ones in public universities."

Insert "and" before "sports centers."

"Because of the fees they acquire from the students, private universities have enough sources to provide such facilities which cover the needs of the students."

Change "sources" to "resources" and "which" to "to."

"In addition, the government support for public universities is quite inadequate; they even don't have the source to buy new books or magazines for their libraries."

Again, change "source" to "resources." The difference between the words is subtle. In this case, a "source" means something that supplies information, while a "resource" is a supply of available money (a "financial resource").

"In private universities, social activities such as: students clubs, seminars, trips, workshops are organized with the support of the universities financial sources."

You don't need the colon. It's true that the colon is often used before a list of things, but not when you continue the sentence after the list. Also, insert "and" before "workshops" and add an apostrophe to "universities'."

"In spite of the dissimilarities about physical facilities and social activities of private and public universities, they share some important similarities: both have renowned and prestigious academic stuff and they are eager for academic researches."

Change "about" to "between" and "researches" to "researchers" or "research" (this applies to the next paragraphs as well). Again, I would advise using a different word than "stuff."

"Many public universities spare an important part of their budget for academic research, instead of sparing the scarce financial sources for social activities."

"Utilize" or "allocate" might work better than "spare." "Spare" implies that they are making a sacrifice when they decide how to allocate their funds; actually, they are making a business decision. :-)

"In conclusion, public and private universities are dissimilar in some aspects; however, they are alike in two significant issues, they both have adequate academic stuff, and they both support academic research."

Replace the comma after "issues" with a colon. It works best in this case. There's that pesky word "stuff" again! How about using "offerings" instead?

"Although the mentioned differences between them may seem important for some people, the education system of the universities is the most important issue."

I suggest deleting "mentioned." It's already implied, since you are summarizing everything you said before.

I am VERY impressed! You have an excellent command of English. I have seen essays written by native English speakers that are not nearly as well-written as yours. Congratulations!

I hope these suggestions help. It's sometimes difficult to explain to a student learning English just why a certain rule does or doesn't apply to their work. English is a very difficult language to learn; it's full of tricks and exceptions to the rules (as I'm sure you know!).

Best of luck with all your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Nobody gave me a chance! [2]

Greetings!

I'll be glad to help with proofreading your essay. Let's take a look:

"I had seen her for along time."

Do you mean that you had not seen your friend for a long time? (Notice that "a long" is two words.)

"This was the not he friend which I used to know."

You need a "t" in "the" (it was a typo, right?). :-)

"She let out deep sigh. I could see tears almost welling up in her eyes but she was determined not to give it to the sobs that flared in her throat. She spoke her min d to me."

Another couple of typos: insert "a" before "deep sigh" and take out the space in "mind." Also, you need a comma after "eyes."

"Although her mother was a very strict woman with a stern face she kept the hose in pink ok perfection but she never tried to understand her children."

I think you mean "house" rather than "hose" and "the pink of perfection" (that's a nice use of idiom, by the way). Insert a comma after perfection.

"The same problem was aleena my best friend."

Captitalize Aleena's name (this applies throughout the essay). I don't think the meaning is clear in this sentence. Maybe you could say, "She certainly didn't understand Aleena, my best friend" or something like that.

"Her mother wanted aleena to marry as soon as possible so tat she gets riddance from her responsibility."

Insert the "h" in "that." ". . . so that she would be rid of the responsibility of raising her daughter" would be a more idiomatic way of finishing the sentence.

"She never thought what allena's will was and married her to a man who was her father's age."

"Considered" might be a more exact word than "thought."

"Aleena did not like him either and had no intentions to marry him."

A more idiomatic phrase would be ". . . and had no intention of marrying him." I suggest deleting "either."

"She awaited her Akbar on her wedding day and had planned to run away with him but unfortunately her mother knew the plan."

Insert a comma before "but unfortunately." It would also be a good idea to introduce Akbar before this point; he appears rather suddenly. Could you perhaps say that Aleena was in love with him at a previous point in the story?

"She called a question to aleena's character and made her forcibly marry that old man."

"She called Aleena's character into question" is more idiomatically correct.

"That was true for her because money cannot buy everything not even happiness."

Insert a comma after "everything."

"She spoke under her breath, "No body gave me a chance!"

"Nobody" is one word.

"A single tear emerged and from my eye and trickled down my cheek."

Delete "and."

"I felt that I could hibernate from this world but what could I do?"

I think you meant "I felt that I had been hibernating while all this was going on, but what could I do now?"

"With my head in my hands I fell into deep thoughts."

"Thought" would be better than "thoughts" in this case. Also, you need a comma after "hands."

What a sad story! You told it very effectively, with a lot of emotion. It just needs a few minor changes to make it even better.

Good luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / THE 12th CENTURY RENAISSANCE; history class essay [5]

Greetings, again!

You're right--this is a nice, long essay, but I can at least help you get started!

"According to the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictinory "renaissance" means a situation when there is new interest in a particular subject, form of art after a period when it was not very popular."

I think this was probably a typo, but "Dictionary" is spelled wrong. My first suggestion would be to run the spell-check on the essay in your computer. ;-) Also, something seems to be missing from the sentence; should it be ". . . subject or form of art . . . "? The comma seems to be out of place in that phrase.

"The other meaning of "renaissance" in the same dictionary stands for the Italian renaissance."

Capitalize "Renaissance" in the "Italian Renaissance" reference, since you are naming a particular epoch.

"However, there is an other period which is called "The Twelfth Century Renaissance" which played a significant role in Europe's history."

It might sound a little smoother to say, "However, another period also played a significant role in Europe's history. It was called "The Twelfth Century Renaissance."

"Afterwards, about 7th and 8th centuries, Muslims attacked the Mediterranean and the trade and communication between East Europe and West Europe ceased."

Insert "the" in front of "7th", then delete "the" before "trade." How about "Eastern and Western Europe"?

"These two significant events culminated in a rural society, quite different from the Roman Empire which was an urban civilization."

How about: ". . . quite different from the urban civilization of the Roman Empire."

"With the changes, a new economic system was founded, feudalism."

You could say ". . . a new economic system called feudalism was founded" or "feudalism became the new economic system throughout Europe." Or something like that.

"Within the lord's castle and land, there was a perish church, which systemized the life."

You mean "parish" rather than "perish." (Look up the meaning of "perish", as applied in this sentence; I think you'll be amused.) :-))

"Until the revival of trade, during feudalism, people lived in a small world which was the castle."

". . . the small world of the castle" would be better.

"Many members of the feudalic society were illiterate and they knew nothing but work."

It should be "feudal" rather than "feudalic."

"For example, by declaring, "People who suffer in this world will find happiness in the presence of God", the Church made the poor peasants feel better and work within the feudalism."

Delete "the" before "feudalism." Also, the comma should go inside the quotation marks.

"However, feudalism like many other economic systems came to an end with the revival of trade."

Insert a comma after "feudalism" and "systems."

"Christianity, while leading the social and economic life in many aspects, directed the lords, chivalries, and other eager feudal warriors to the lands of Muslim."

Either say "the lands of the Muslims" or "Muslim lands."

"By this way, the Church was planning to expand the christianity to muslims and also to capture the Holy lands."

Say either "In this way" or "By this method." Delete "the" before "Christianity," which you need to capitalize, along with "Muslims."

"Crusaders were on the scene of the Medieval Age."

"Crusaders played a prominent role in the Medieval Age" would sound more scholarly. :-)

"Crusades took place from the beginning of the 11th century."

"The" should be the first word in the sentence. I would also advise giving an ending date, or range of dates.

"The raids of the Crusades did not reach the targets of the Church, while it played an important role in the revival of the trade."

I think "did not accomplish the goals" would be more clear than "did not reach the targets." Also, I would change "while it" to "although they." And delete "the" in front of "trade."

"Furthermore, the Crusades provided an advantegeous position in the Mediterranean Sea for Christians against the Muslims, weakened the papacy, and lastly, the aristocrats, in other words, the land lords lost power because of the Crusades."

"Advantegeous" should be "advantageous." I would change "and lastly, the aristocrats, in other words, the land lords lost power because of the Crusades" to "and weakened the power of the aristocracy throughout Europe." I'm pretty sure the reader will be aware of the definition of "aristocracy." Also, it isn't necessary to mention the Crusades again; once is enough.

"Trade transformed the feudal society which is rural, into an urban civilization like the Roman Empire."

I would say "the rural feudal society." I try to avoid using "which is" as much as possible when I write.

"The new markets, and the new inventions such as plow increased the agricultural production."

Delete the comma. Insert "the" in front of "plow" and delete it from in front of "agricultural."

"The peasants searched for new lands, at the end, forests and also marshes transformed into agricultural lands."

How about: "In a search for new land, the peasants transformed even forests and marshes into agricultural properties."

"The peasants were in better conditions by the help of the trade and the urban life; consequentl, the population increased during this period."

I suggest: "Trade and urban life improved conditions for the peasants, and as a consequence, population increased during this period."

"Aristocrats freed their peasants, rent hem lands in order to gain money, because money was important again, and the lords were eager to take part in this new life style."

I'm not sure if my idea is historically accurate, but if it is, I would suggest: "Money, rather than barter, was now the coin of the realm. The lords were eager to participate in this new prosperity; they freed their peasants and rented them land for monetary payments."

"In line with these changes in the feudal life style, a new group of people appeared in the scene of Europe, merchants."

I would move the merchants to the middle of the sentence: ". . . a new group of people--merchants--became important on the European economic scene."

"The revival of trade and the revival of cities made the capital important, the importance of land decreased."

Begin the sentence: "As the revival . . .

"The changes during the 11th century, changed the structure of Europe."

Delete the comma. Also, I suggest not using "change" twice; maybe you could substitute "innovations" for the first one.

"If it these changes had not taken place, Europe probably would be a different society, maybe a society which is based on agriculture."

Again, I suggest deleting "which is." You don't need it in this case.

Your essay shows that you've done some in-depth research and have a good grasp of your subject. My time is up for now, but I would be glad to take a look at the rest of it tomorrow.

Meanwhile, best wishes to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Student Talk / What grade will i get in my exams? [6]

Greetings!

Yes, you have a good command of English. I realize you are still learning, so I hope the feedback I give you helps.

As for grading your essays--my opinion would undoubtedly be different from that of your teacher. Also, I'm not seeing the final version, so it wouldn't be fair to grade you on what is really just a draft. In other words, it would be best to let your teacher give a grade to the final product. I'm just here to help you along the way! :-))

Best of luck to you, Aysha!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Themes in Macbeth: Consequences of Corruption [11]

Greetings!

It appears to me that you did a thorough job of explaining the role of corruption in MacBeth. I wouldn't begin to try to read your teacher's mind; grading is a very subjective thing. Would it be possible for you to ask your teacher for feedback? That would be of the most help when you write your next essay.

As to what I see in this paper: there are a few minor problems with punctuation, but nothing outstanding. I think some of the paragraphs are a little long, and could probably be pared down while retaining the same amount of information. The information itself, however (that is, your thinking and reasoning processes) are quite good. Your writing style, too, is good, especially for someone in the 10th grade who is just beginning to learn to write in an analytical manner.

I encourage you to see if you can find out what the teacher found objectionable about the essay. Frankly, I'm stumped as to why you got the grade you did.

Good luck, and keep writing! You do it quite well!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A a system to think without system; Opinions on an unorthodox approach essay? [2]

Greetings!

You appear to have the mind of a philosopher! I think this is a very creative essay, although a little difficult to comprehend in places. As to whether or not it is acceptable--that depends on its purpose. It is, indeed, an unorthodox approach to an essay, but I happen to find that refreshing. Whether your instructor will feel the same way depends on the directions you were given.

Your use of language is quite elegant in several instances. For example, I love the phrase "crystallizing his painting before it hits the canvas"--it perfectly expresses the idea of an artistic concept that is killed before birth because of outside criticism and self-doubt.

On the other hand, there is the sentence "That concludes why my every tampering abates for a battle of mind over mind." This one I don't get. By "concludes" do you mean "explains"? And does the word "for" really belong in the sentence?

Back to expressions I love: "I crave this paradox: a system to think without system." An excellent example of the creative philosopher's dilemma.

But then there's this one: "It is a rabbit hole of the mind that can never be concurred." "Concur" means "agree" or "cooperate"; I'm not sure how that illuminates your meaning (which is important, since it's your last sentence). I do, however, like the phrase "rabbit hole of the mind"; it's very evocative.

I think you've done a nice job with your essay, and you seem to have an excellent grasp of language and creative abilities in using it. Again, I can't say whether this work matches your instructor's criteria, but I can tell you I hope that you keep on writing; you have talent!

Good luck and best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / MAJOR HELP REQUIRED [Perception Vs. Perspective] [6]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start here, and I like your title (but make the "v" in "vs." a small one).

Your first sentence is a little confusing; I agree that you could probably find a better analogy. How about something like "Human perception is as unique to each individual as the DNA from which he or she is made."

When you give an example like the courtroom one, be as specific as you can so that the reader gets a real picture of what you are describing. For instance, "an experiment that was done regarding the court" is too vague. An experiment done by whom? What court? If you don't know and can't find out the specifics, say something like "One experiment, conducted in a courtroom, revealed just how differently the same event can be viewed by a group of people."

If you talk about how this shows "how different we all are in perception and perspective" you need to define what the difference is between the two terms, particularly since your title indicates that you are drawing a contrast between them. If your paper is not about how perception differs from perspective, you might need to re-think your title.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

This is a good question! Your writing will be better if you switch things up a bit. You could say, "[Author] had a unique perspective on this question: "[insert quote]." Or, "As [author] noted, "[insert quote]."

Sometimes you can use the reason you are incorporating the quote to help you. For example, let's say you are drawing a contrast between one viewpoint and another: "The Puritans thought life should consist of hard work, but Butler had a different perspective: "...the principle business of life is to enjoy it." Keeping in mind why you are quoting the author can help you introduce the quote more smoothly.

If you'd like specific suggestions on an essay you've written, I'd be glad to help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Keeping cool - Essay revise [2]

Greetings!

I like the way you begin with your own personal reaction to the heat. Your description in the opening is very good! However, you don't really keep this tone going throughout the essay. When you say "With blackened and bleeding lips, they suffer agonizing thirst" this is an intense description that really paints a picture for the reader. But your next sentence sounds like a passage from a medical textbook: "On reaching home, they immediately take a bath and cool themselves down and maintain the homeostatic control of the body." Try using the same type of descriptive prose, like this: "On reaching home, they hurry to plunge into the inviting coolness of a soothing bath, letting the water splash away the memory of unrelenting heat." Do you see the difference? :-)

Because you are creating a descriptive picture of the heat's effect, I'd wait until the end to talk about the ways people cool themselves down. For instance, in your second paragraph, you bring in the air conditioners and beverages. Consider keeping things like this until the end, then injecting a bit of hope into the heat-scourged landscape: "The people do what little they can to relieve the suffocating demon that is summer in [name of where this takes place]. With sighs of relief they install air conditioners that keep the monster outside their homes and offices; they pour iced beverages down their scorched throats, and slip into clothing that is as thin as modesty will allow. When possible, they escape to the mountains, where cooling breezes provide relief, if only for a week or two."

You can use your own words, of course, but what I'm trying to get across is that you have created a very effective atmosphere in your opening lines, and I think you should carry that tone through the entire essay, to make it have greater impact.

A couple of other suggestions:

Something that new writers commonly struggle with is tense. Your essay flips back and forth between present tense and past tense. For example: "Afternoons are lonely and quite [you mean "quiet"]." That's present tense. "Nothing stirred." That's past tense. Pick one tense or the other and stick with it.

"As I stood at the bus stop rays of sunlight bathed my face." - put a comma after "stop."

"Everywhere there laid a dismal picture because of the intense heat." This is a bit awkward. How about, "The intense heat covered the city in a dismal blanket of oppression" or something like that.

"god had pressed the mute button" - Say "God."

I'm not sure how to give you marks; your teacher will have his or her own method for that. But I think if you can incorporate some of these suggestions, your overall marks will improve. :-))

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'international student and academic atmosphere' - Boston University Essay [4]

Greetings!

I think you have a good essay here. It just needs a little smoothing in places.

"What attracts me to Boston University is its atmosphere; both academically and environmentally." - the semicolon should be a comma. I'm not sure "environmentally" is a very descriptive term here; I'm not really sure what you mean by it. Also, I think this sentence belongs in the next paragraph. It really doesn't fit with the sentence that follows. You could start with "I first came across Boston University ..."

first choice prospective university - since you're using it as an adjective, say "first-choice"; same with "newly dug-out" although to me, that's a little awkward. What about just saying "the pamphlets I'd brought home"?

"Boston University has one of the largest international undergraduate populations; not only will it offer me the multi-cultural education that I've been used to all my life, but at the same time, it will 'broaden my horizons'." This should be two sentences. Make the semicolon a period. And "largest international undergraduate populations" where? In the U.S.?

"survive in a new environment, without the aid of parents and old friends is important." - put a comma after "friends."

"With 400 student organizations promoting diversity, the essentiality of fitting in will become automatic and instinctive." This sentence is not very well-constructed. You could say,"With 400 student organizations promoting diversity, Boston University encourages a student like me to both fit in and embrace new experiences."

I agree that "strong interaction" is not the best word choice. What about "ongoing interaction" or "important" or "vital" interaction?

"But, to me," is an acceptable way to start that paragraph, but I think it's unnecessary. You could just begin with "Going to university ..." By the way, using "university" without an article is a more British form of expression (we Americans might say "Attending a university"), as is spelling "programs" as "programmes." I doubt that that makes any difference, but thought I'd mention it. I don't see how your not being an American citizen could be a disadvantage when applying for admission to a school with "one of the largest international undergraduate populations." It sounds as if they encouage foreign enrollment.

Best of luck to you -- and try to relax!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

I don't find anything patently wrong with either sentence. You're correct that "vigilant" means "watchful" but the way you have constructed it, the sentence does not strike me as redundant.

As for the second sentence, the only thing I would caution about is tense. Your first sentence has Victoria's action in present tense; the second, in perfect tense. That may fit in just fine, in context, but it's something to be aware of.

I'm seeing them out of context, but as far as I can tell, they both appear to be prime examples of good writing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Transition between paragraphs [5]

Greetings!

That's a question a lot of people have. My feeling on this subject is that transitional phrases are overrated. If the topic or sub-topic you are presenting flows logically from the preceding paragraph, a transition shouldn't be required.

Whether a transitional phrase is needed depends a lot on context. If you are, in fact, going on to present specific examples of an idea presented in the preceding paragraph, "for example," may be appropriate. But did you notice how this paragraph flows naturally from the first one I wrote, without use of a transition? I think the best rule is not to force it; read your paper aloud to see whether it flows easily or sounds awkward.

Of course, if you have one of those instructors who is firmly planted on the transitional phrase soap box, you may have to come up with some more creative ways to use them. Things like, "This can be seen when ..." or "The effect of this was ..." or "In contrast to the above ..." and so forth.

I hope this gives you some workable ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Repaying a kindness; My aunt was an epitomy of goodness. [2]

Greetings!

This is a compelling story. It just needs a little tweaking.

I lay flat on my back on the narrow cast-iron bed, thinking about my aunt. I wondered why painful memories stayed more vivid than pleasant ones. She was the person I loved the most and it was only because of her that I was alive. My aunt was the epitome of goodness.

I was infatuated with a girl in my class. Her name was Anita. She liked me, too. She was from a very prosperous family, but her father was a surly man. He didn't like my friendship with Anita. He tried to warn Anita and me many times, but we couldn't live without each other. Anita often went to the movies with me, throwing caution to the wind.

My aunt's daughter, Sonu, liked me very much. She always admired my ways and my actions. She wanted to marry me. [Add something about how you felt about Sonu, for example: "Sonu was a nice girl, but I could never feel about her the way I felt about Anita."]

One day, I was sitting in my yard, warming my hands around a mug of steaming-hot coffee, when suddenly, Anita's father appeared. He had a pistol in his hand and drew a bead on me. His eyes were full of mistrust, hate and misery. As he fired, my aunt jumped in front of me. The bullet escaped from the muzzle and struck my aunt's left arm. Anita's father fled, disappearing as quickly as he had come.

My aunt was wounded severely, and had to be taken to the hospital right away. The doctors said that she was very seriously injured and it was too late. On her death-bed, she expressed her last wish to me. She wanted her daughter to be married and live a well-settled life with her husband. After saying this she breathed her last. [This would be more effective if you actually showed her saying it.]

Life had been tough on me. I was only twenty, but I felt a hundred years old. I wanted to repay my aunt for the kindness she had shown me. She had saved me at the expense of her own life. I became headstrong and decided to marry Sonu. Although I didn't love her as much as Anita, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.I felt the only way I could repay my aunt's sacrifice was by fulfilling her last wish.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Japan anime' - Common App. (Wash U in St. Louis, Cornell, + Syracuse) [2]

Greetings!

This is a very impressive piece of writing! You have a lovely way of expression that is a pleasure to read. I have only a few very minor suggestions:

In American English, commas and periods always go INSIDE the quotation mark: "Japanese comic book," a "graphic novel," or even simply "animé." The only exception is when the sentence ends with a single number or letter: "He signed his name with an "X".

"I watch as they struggle to categorize each story into one of three categories" would sound better if you could find another word for the second usage ("categories"). What about "classifications" or "groups"?

"ninth-grade" - leave out the hyphen, unless you are using it as an adjective: "ninth-grade class."

"I like to draw Japanese animé", - remember to put the comma inside the quote.

I loved the way you paint delicate pictures with words: "the soft flutter of clean pages as they brush the tips of fingers"; "my greatest fear has been the fragility of my own memory." I predict universities will be impressed, too!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'international student and academic atmosphere' - Boston University Essay [4]

So glad we could help! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

I'd go with "Victoria is pushed from one house to another until she and her baby finally seek refuge at the McPherons." Be sure to use the proper verb form.

As far as I can tell from your examples, there's nothing wrong with using the present perfect tense with present tense, especially if you are writing a review, which appears to be the case. You'd want to be more aware of mixing in past perfect ("had caused"). I'd need to see the whole essay to say for certain that the tenses were correct.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

Well, first off, it's best not to use a word ("only") twice in one sentence; you don't need the first one: "Victoria has been acquainted with Dwayne for only a year and a half. (You left out the "a".)

Secondly, you make an assertion that "It takes more than two years to really know a person." Where did you get this information? Is that from the story, or is it your opinion? If it's from the story, something a character has said he or she believes, then say so. For example: "She recalls George telling her that it takes more than two years to really know a person." If it's your opinion, I'd take it out, because that's a subjective assessment. Reasonable minds might differ. ;-)

One more observation: normally, in formal writing, we don't use contractions. You could say "She does not know anything about him" or "She knows nothing about him." But, does Victoria really not know "anything" about Dwayne, or would it be more accurate to say she knows very little about him? Just a thought.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / short essay for review for police test [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some input!

You have several nouns which require an article (a, an or the), and I've made some other suggestions:

"Providing customer service is the main responsibility for every business in the market [I'd say "marketplace"]. Customer service is not about giving a smile, assistance in finding products or putting some people at a counter with a big customer service board.

Real customer service is far more than that. I believe [take out "is"] businesses should be responsible for a purchased product for at least one year. A store should not be able to refuse to take back a product within the first year unless it has been used roughly."

I don't think many retailers would agree with your "one year rule." A lot of people might be tempted to take back everything they bought after 11 months and 29 days to trade it for a new one! Just a thought.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mass communication today' - University Ca Essays [6]

Greetings!

You have written a wonderful essay! I have only a few small corrections to suggest:

"the schools' yearbook" - if you mean one school, it's "school's"; and I think this sentence is too long. Try cutting it in half: "To gain experience in the more technical aspects of communication, I successfully applied to the school's yearbook team and trained myself in the use of design programs such as InDesign and Photoshop. I later took those skills with me to the Southeast Regional Occupation Program graphic design class, in which I honed my skills in expert graphic design."

"well- researched" - remove the space before "researched."

"C-HIGH TV is then in charge of digitally presents this event and other city-organized events on local channels for the community's viewing update." - I think you may have meant "presenting."

"given topics like in MUN." - say "as" instead of "like"

You have definitely demonstrated your ability to organize thoughts and express yourself clearly. Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Homeschool' - Personal Statement for Common App [2]

Greetings!

I think you have a very good start here. With just a little tinkering here and there, it should be grand. Let me start first with a few technical mechanics, before we address the content.

"teachers which did not invite question." - if you mean that the teachers did not invite question, say "teachers who did not invite question."

"wrong". - In American English, the period goes inside the quotation mark (logical or not).

"I was no longer absorbing from outside, instead I was inventing from within. " - use a semicolon instead of a comma.

"iconoclastic" - is an adjective; when referring to yourself, say "iconoclast."

Now, as for making it less analytical and more exuberant ... I think the tone of the last paragraph is colored by some of your word choices. For example, "the absolute negative" sounds, well, negative. What about "polar opposite" or "antithesis"? And in this sentence: "Even worse, though, are beings which agree with only themselves and never learn from others;" again you are talking about people, so you'd say "beings who agree with only themselves." However, I find this sentence rather out of place. It sounds contradictory to what you were saying about how you learned from yourself, "inventing from within." And, again, using "Even worse" gives a negative tone to it that does not sound exuberant or glorious. Perhaps, since the bulk of what came before is only about you, introducing other "People who never build" or "beings who never learn" is too much of a detour. I'd suggest sticking with just talking about your own evolution.

I hope this gives you some ideas. I'd be happy to provide more input if you do a re-write of the last paragraph. Overall, I think it is a well-written, interesting essay!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / What is a good title for an analysis essay? [5]

Greetings!

Well, it's a bit of a challenge to come up with a title, not having read the essays ... and especially as I haven't read either of the two works your analysis essay is about. I tend to use wordplay, unless it's inappropriate: "Springing Off the Fences" would be an example. But your essay (and professor) may be too serious for that. The best thing is often to go with a brief description of what the essay is meant to accomplish: "A Comparative Analysis of the Use of Metaphor in the Collected Works of Dr. Seuss," for example. I'm not sure what you're comparing in the two works you are dealing with, so adjust accordingly.

The second one is a little easier. "Habitat for Jamaica"; "Building Up Jamaica"; "To Make a Jamaica Home" (and if you really wanted to get cute, "Jamaican Me a Home" -- but only if your instructor has a sense of humor).

This is the best I can do without having read the essays. Hope it helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Emerging as an artist' - Essay - Graphic Design [2]

Greetings!

You have a good start on an interesting essay here! One thing I notice is that it feels more like an essay on design than an admission essay. Rather than starting off with "Design has not been thoroughly institutionalized" what about using the quote 'To me design...is a way of discussing life,' attributing it to its author, and then equating that sentiment with your own feelings? For example, "I agree with Ettore Sottsass' view on design and its metaphorical depiction of life. This is why I want to pursue undergraduate study in visual arts, majoring in the Graphic Design course, particularly in the Pratt Institute, School of Design, in New York City." Or words to that effect.

Again, in your second paragraph, you could start off talking about yourself (the main focus of your essay): "I would like to contribute to society by communicating ideologies through my visualizations, as artists have done for millenia. The roots of contemporary graphic design are centuries old, yet have expanded over time to transform the psychological and creative lives of people," etc. You have some excellent sentences here, but I think with a little rearranging and linking, they could more smoothly address the question of why you want to attend Pratt and what you hope to accomplish from your education.

Your third paragraph has a comma you don't need in the first sentence and the second sentence is a bit too long. You might consider putting a period after "masters" and then starting the next sentence with "This would allow me the freedom to ..."

You have some intriguing thoughts here and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'accept the greater challenge' - Review on my Essay for NCSSM [3]

Greetings!

You have written a fine admissions essay! Congratulations!

I think you said exactly what you needed to. You clearly stated your reasons for wanting to attend NCSSM, and your career goals as well. I think the fact that you have volunteered in your community and wish to continue volunteering at NCSSM will work in your favor.

The only thing I might suggest is that you consider whether the word "entranced" is exactly what you mean to say. This may be precisely what you are feeling, in which case it is fine. But to me, "entranced" has a kind of mystical connotation, which might not be the effect you want to create. That's just my personal opinion. ;-) (You might consider "fascinated" instead.)

I agree that you should format your essay as though you were turning it in on paper. That would, indeed, mean indenting your paragraphs.

Excellent job! I wish you the best of luck!

Linda, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Applying for a fellowship... [7]

Greetings!

Don't be too hard on yourself, I think you have a good start here! You just need a good lead-in to it. Something like, "My career goals focus on providing opportunities for people in underserved communities through creation of a Community Development Center." I think I'd avoid using "own" and "operate"; to me, that sounds like a truck driver.

The sentence which starts "The center will focus on ..." is very good, but I'll just point out a couple of things. You want to say "empowering residents" (plural). Are all of the things you list a part of empowering residents? In other words, will you be empowering them to provide a safe haven for youth? If not, you need to put that in another sentence: "The center will also provide a safe haven for youth and allow them to explore educational options."

If you'd like to post the full essay here, I'd be glad to provide you with some more feedback!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Hanson PLC (A) : the acquisition machine - I need help for this paper [5]

Greetings!

Since EssayForum is a public forum, where users can ask questions or make comments that will be posted publicly for the benefit of everyone who uses the site, we don't send information to private email addresses. However, if anyone who has information on this topic would like to post it here, they are welcome to do so.

Be sure to check the company's website first; a lot of valuable information can often be found there.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Applying for a fellowship... [7]

Greetings!

This is an excellent essay! All it needs is just a little bit of fine-tuning and it will be perfect. I will put suggested changes in bold. If I eliminate one or more of your words, I'll put the words on either side in bold.

In my young mind, beautiful was reserved for Olympic gymnasts and figure skaters.

I spent hours re-creating

My father was an only child from an affluent family. His greatest joy was bragging about my brother and me.

more opportunities than they received

It came as no surprise that my family was ecstatic with my interest in being "beautiful." [Periods always go inside the quotation mark.]

weekly show of acrobatics

gymnastics team

I threw thoughts of being beautiful away.

"competitive edge," [Commas also go inside the quotation mark.]

viewed minorities that had numerous professional and social interests. [if you are talking about people, it might sound better to say "met minorities who had ..."

first-generation

corporate-sponsored

more responsibility than the other trainees

bigger than my job description.

women's shelters

I strive to guide and expose underserved communities to the formalities of being successful.

My goal is to provide underserved communities with guidance to define their version of being beautiful. [This change is something of a judgment call, but when I first read it, I found the repetition of "strive" a little distracting.]

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah,EssayForum.com