Undergraduate / (love for experiments / remote controlled circuit) - IVYs. [3]

I think your essays are well-written; you are obviously a talented writer. I am sure you will do well.

Undergraduate / 'my major weakness is academic' - Howard App Essay [6]

school and extracurricular,activities.

An example of a problem posed is I amAs the soccer team's best finisher, so I have to try as much as I can to make each practice, but I have school work which

Undergraduate / 'Children Medical Services' - Sophie Davis: meaningful volunteer experience [4]

There is always some type of volunteering that a person can do.are many ways an individual can volunteer.
directly communicated with others
bent ondetermined to pursueing medicine

Nice ending!

Undergraduate / 'my major weakness is academic' - Howard App Essay [6]

I think that you should include a sentence that essentially says that although at times you struggle with balancing school and extracurriculars, you have addressed this weakeness head on by developing a mechanism or system that enables you to more successfully find balance. I think you should not simply say that this is a weakeness, you have to show that you are taking the initiative to resolve it.

Undergraduate / Describe your most interesting mistake; 'Invincible' - GWU suggestions [6]


Instead of "kill", use "look forward to". Interesting essay.

Undergraduate / 'to test valor' - Relate interest in studying at Georgetown to your goals [10]

As a pre-med student at Georgetown,
While at Georgetown, I will be able to form a link

Undergraduate / 'a result of the Harmattan' - personal essay [2]

As I look through the window, I see the result of dusty surroundings: dusty winds and the shedding of leaves by trees.,resulting in dusty surroundings.My body gets drysS econds after I have taken mya bath, my skin is dry, compelling me to apply soothing oil on my body. Travelling on foot is even more difficult since one gets very thirsty just after walking a few miles'walk .

The temperatures can be as low as 3 degrees Celsius, with the weather being very chilly at night very chilly . As a result,Bb reathing becomes very difficult.

made by environmentalists and the government to address the situation-- to no avail.

Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]

Overall, I believeTt he ProTrack program helpswill prepare me for the real world by giving me the tools that will help me be competitive in the global marketplace; by enabling me to gain experience directly applicable to my area of study. In doing so, I will be able to make a practical application of concepts I have learned in the classroom.Futhermore, the program will give me the opportunity to establish relationships with other professionals in my area of study.

AlthoughTt he ProTrack program is not an easy program ,-- it is definitely challenging, but I believe theseisexperience will allow me to grow professionally and academically.challenges will allow me tomake

Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]


I'd leave this sentence out.

The first time I learned of the ProTrack co-op program was while I was completing my FIT application online; at the time I didn't pay much attention to it.

As an international student, I have always had concerns about schooling in the US , because of the high tuition costs.

that I had found a solution to mythis problem.

With the ProTrack co-op program, my education costs will be less strenuous to my parents, and acceptance into a co-op program is a chanceprovides the opportunity for me to earn money for my work.--Thus, I will be able to add to the resources my parents are providing to fund my education.

will help me be competitive in the work forceincreasingly global marketplace .

Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]

What do you mean by "active in society"?

Scholarship / 'volunteer at Doctors Hospital Nursery Department' - Ron Brown Scholarship [4]

I think you need to delve deeper into why this activity is so important to you. In your essay, you mention that your volunteer activity is fun and the nurses have given you some wisdom and insight, but it would have been more compelling if you would have expressed why it is important for you to volunteer in this particular setting--beyond it being "fun". Also, I think you should revise the paragraph about the birth certificate--it sounds awkward.

Undergraduate / 'The Game' - JHU essay; Undecided [9]


I don't think it's a good idea to state that you would like to use your time at John Hopkins to "find yourself". I would suggest eliminating this sentence or saying something to the extent that you believe John Hopkins will allow you to develop yourself personally and professionally.

Undergraduate / 'my first overseas trip to Europe' - NYU SUPPLEMENT [2]

PIle ?
why I was barely able to get out

I think your essay is well written, but I would have preferred to read more about how the trip affected or impacted you personally.

Undergraduate / "left and right brain side' - stanford essay - intellectual vitality [5]


I'd leave this sentence out, it seems to interrupt the fluidity of your essay. But I enjoyed reading your essay and especially enjoyed how you bridged math and art together.

Undergraduate / A Little About Me [3]

all-nighters-coffee -and-work-hard

night' s pizza

I enjoyed reading your essay. The only suggestion I would make is to have a more creative ending. You did such a great job and was so creative that when I reached the ending, I expected a fun anecdote or a dab of sarcasm. Other than that, I think you did a good job on your essay.

Letters / Cover Letter for job opportunities as an Architect [3]

I am writing to you concerning job opportunities as an architect. I saw your job posting on "xyz" and that prompted me to apply for this position.

I will graduate from The State University of New York at Buffalo with a Masters in Architecture degree in May 2012.

My enclosed resume details my various experience and opportunities What do you mean by opportunities? .

Undergraduate / 'The Lost World' - Johns Hopkins Supplemental Essay [5]


Maybe you said instead say, you want to learn about the environment in which they resided--"lied in" sounds somewhat strange. Other than that, I think you did a fine job organizing your essay and capturing the reader's attention. :)

Scholarship / 'raised speaking english and spanish' Discuss the subjects in which you have excelled [3]

are what have attributed to my success in various subjects

I am proud to say that I come from a Hispanic family. why?

Since little I was a young child I rememberI was alwaysbeing asked

One summer when I was 15,

AlthoughMm ost of the customers only spoke spanish, most of the managers didn't speak spanish when most of the employees and customers only spoke spanish.the language.

Although it was not my duty, I enjoyed helping.but truly that wasn't my job but I sure loved doing it.

You mention that your mother and your own hard work have contributed to your success. However in reading your essay, I don't feel that you have really articulated these ideas. Further explore these ideas.

Undergraduate / 'to pursue a human undertaking' - Georgetown significant activity essay [8]

HOSA provided me with the resources and members,no comma here to bring this global issue into perspective and create a chain of new beginnings for everyone involved.

Our mission is to influence others to help remedy some of the issues within our world,;and The Water Project aims to do just that.

Interesting and impactive work you've done. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Nobody can go back' - Personal essay on a significant experience [7]


Typically speaking, admission committees are more concerned with sentence structure, grammar, etc. than with vocabulary acrobatics. Oftentimes, less is more. With that said, how long must your essay be?

Undergraduate / 'I never liked the idea of change' - Common App [16]

I think "breakaway" is fine. The basis of your essay is about "breaking away" from your friends, so this title makes the most sense.

Undergraduate / 'I never liked the idea of change' - Common App [16]

In my view, when you became separated from your friends, you had to form your own identity, so I would suggest something along those lines.

Undergraduate / 'more analytical approach towards my life' - how you became interested in art [13]

I've realized that although images function as a 'universal language' the messages conveyed are nevertheless never bluntly stated,;and a thought process is necessary to decode said messagesmeaning .

Ultimately I'd like to provoke similar thought through imagesin my art .

You don't have to use this, but I think it would be more fluid if you tie both of your ending sentences together. Just a suggestion :)

Undergraduate / 'more analytical approach towards my life' - how you became interested in art [13]

I think you have a well-written essay. I especially liked how you state that you realize you are "a part of something bigger" than yourself. That sentence compelled me to want to hear more about how you intend to accomplish this. Also, I think your ending is little awkward. But other than that, I everything else looks fine.

Undergraduate / my mom's fight with cancer--- Common App essay [12]

Yes, much better. I think by adding the professor's name, as well as his area of research shows that you have done a little bit of research on your own. I also think you should leave the sentence as is. I think you'll do well.

Undergraduate / my mom's fight with cancer--- Common App essay [12]

Great! Now add a little blurb about his research. You may say something to the extent: "featuring brilliant researchers and professors such as Greogory Copenhaver, whose research on (cells, etc.) I find intriguing and is fully in line with my own research interests and career objectives." (something like that.) :)

Also, your last sentence is somewhat odd. I understand what you are saying, but the admissions committee may not. Perhaps you could say something like: to and prepare devote myself for the to a life of an altruistic doctor altruism.

Graduate / (grandfather's struggle with Parkinson's) Speech Pathology Graduate [2]

I think you have a good essay here. Your introduction grabs the reader's attention and the story about your grandfather is moving. The only suggestion I would make is having a better conclusion. You express an interest in working in the Chang Lab, but only state that you believe it will "better equip" you to serve future clients. Perhaps you can discuss other aspects of the Chang Lab that you find are relevant to your ultimate goals. You may also want to end your essay by connecting it with your introduction. Even if it is something as simple as you wanting to help clients suffering from the same affliction as your grandfather.

On a side note, your story is very similar to my own. I was working on my teacher's certification, but developed an interest in Speech Pathology. I later opted to pursue another area of interest, but I feel you are well on your way to accomplishing your goals.

Undergraduate / Physics thinker - Stanford Supplement Intellectual Vitality [5]

You're essay is nicely written and very informative--I learned a couple of things. The only thing I saw absent, was some kind of connection--something that states how or why this discovery has advanced your intellectual development. Other than that, I think you've done a really great job.

Undergraduate / My Love for Milk- CommonApp 'Topic of Your Choice' Essay [3]

An interesting essay. It captured my attention--and keep it. Good job.

Undergraduate / The value of "nothing" (your latest discovery) [12]

I enjoy both, however feel that the "cancer" essay is the better of the two. Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / my mom's fight with cancer--- Common App essay [12]

I think this is an excellent essay. You articulate your interests in becoming a doctor, and answered the essay prompt very well. The only thing I would add is more specificity in your comments about UNC having a world renowned biology department--perhaps mentioning a professor by name, or notable alumni, etc. But overall, I think you have a well-crafted essay.

Undergraduate / "The Space is Playing Hide-and-Seek" - Williams College Essay [3]

some have dark dots like zits on the face of a teenage girl, (I would probably use "pimples" instead of "zits", and "teenager" rather than "teenage girl").

Even when I look into the seemingly empty space with stars spread sparsely like on a disappointing cookie with barely any chocolate chips

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / The value of "nothing" (your latest discovery) [12]

I will begin my studies in biology major to prepare myself for the arduous journey of becoming a doctor.

I think this is an interesting and unique take on the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / 'I am a Romantic' - Stanford Letter to Future Roommate [13]

I enjoyed reading your essay, and especially enjoyed your introduction. The only suggestion I would make is to compose an equally clever closing.

Graduate / The practical aspects of the curriculum - SOP [5]

No, I don't believe your essay is too wordy. I think it flows nicely as well.

Graduate / The practical aspects of the curriculum - SOP [5]

Since childhood I hadve been curiou s about things around me. Being the youngest in my family, I looked uponto my two siblings to share their experiences. BeingAs engineers in reputed firms like IBM, they both catapulted my zeal to discover.(To discover more about...engineering??)

highly renowned faculty and alumni association.

Right fromSince itsthe inception (I assume you are referring to the program's inception?)

Computational fluid dynamics.

Therefore, I intendit is my intention to attend a graduate school

You have a solid well-informed essay. Best wishes to you.

Graduate / 'the simple models we learned' - SOP - PH.D Economics NYU [5]

Currently I am working on my Master's degree thesis under the supervisorion of Professor

I think the ending of your essay would be more fluid if you switched the position of last sentence containing the Aristole quote, with the prior sentence that begins: "That I actually enjoy studying..

Scholarship / 'a hardworking and passionate person' - Why I Deserve This Scholarship [6]

It's wonderful that you are passionate and pursue goals that you have in life, but this, in and of itself does not fully communicate why you deserve this scholarship. If you talk about being hardworking, discuss how you have maintained a high GPA while concurrently participating in extracurricular activities, volunteering, etc. Discuss how you want to help others in your medical career.

Undergraduate / "What is Life?" - Supplement Essay [4]

You are truly a gifted writer, and I must say I enjoyed reading your essay. Indeed you are very poetic and philosophical in your essay, but I believe the indulgence is warranted :)

Essays / US NAVAL ACADEMY Personal essay question [5]

From a young age seeing my father dress up in his navy uniform I felt nothing but admiration for him and knowing that I want to be like my father when I get older but he would always tell me to become better. Therefore, the day that I found out about the naval academy I knew what I wanted and what my father meant by striving for better.

How about something like this:

One of the fondest memories I have of my father was seeing him dressed in his navy uniform. I recall having such an admiration for him that I often told him I wanted to be like him when I grew up. While my father was appreciative of the fact that I wanted to pattern myself after him, he always told me to strive for more and not give in to complacency. The day I discovered the Naval Academy, was the day my father's sentiments of striving for more fervently resonated in my mind.

So you've begun to express your reasons for pursuing a career in the Navy, continue on to express what intrigues you about it and post it. Hope this is helpful