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Posts by blueshore
Joined: Nov 19, 2011
Last Post: Dec 2, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 47  

From: Egypt

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blueshore   
Dec 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / "New Soil" - a college essay about heinies, aliens, and rasberry jam. [3]

Yes I agree that the first paragraph needs some clarifying! I have to say this is so amazing. You manage to show your voice,and I think all colleges will love this. You need to link that experience with finlad.I feel that this essay is very strong,but perhaps because of the word limit,it is abrupt at some points.I think maybe you should cut a few details,and make sure you add some sentences that link your paragraphs together.Hope this helped you!
blueshore   
Dec 1, 2011
Book Reports / White Oleander Poison. College essay. [2]

I think you will grab your reader's attention by a slightly more personal start.Maybe talk about an instance from your childhood and then talk about coming across the book for the first time.You need more essence in this essay : After I finished reading this I got the impression that you realised that you are a lucky person.I think you need to add some depth.Compare how the main characters life is different from you,how that book did lead you to appreciate the loving supporting enviroment that was around you,but donot stop here.How will you use that adavantage? This the question that you leave the reader wondering?An example would be trying to reach out towards bullies who seemed to come from abusive families.Or maybe a time where you give your love and compassion without waiting for anything in return.You need to show colleges how you change,and what you-in turn-will change in the world around you. I think you should create an outline and write all the ideas you think about ,and the examples that support your ideas.Start with a brief but personal introducation, then dive deep to the way you were absorbed by the book, and by the difference between your life and that of the girl.Then talk about the change and use examples.
blueshore   
Dec 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Who am I?" - Common App Essay [28]

I really like it! You manage to bring your experiences to life, and I think you leave the reader convinced that they know you! This was amazing :)
blueshore   
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Make yourself at home in Indonesia." - UC prompt 1 [3]

Its a good essay,but you need to incorporate your ideas in the conclusion.You talked about mun,which is a great example perhaps at the body,but you cannot use it to wrap things up.Also the example with the toilet paper may leave the reader uncomfortable ,you may want to substitute that detail with something else.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bankrupt; our situation brought my family and me to shame' - UC PROMPT #2 [6]

This has a very good idea,but you need a stronger conclusion.Focus on how this experience made you realise the importance of utilizing your chances instead of giving up.Show how it has made you work harder in your life,with the knowledge that you can survive harships and come out stronger.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / My Choir experience UC prompt [5]

You need to concentrate on one story : the choir experience should be concluded with how you overcame your fear and started building better personal relationships.The story with the girl could be mentioned,but not in the conclusion. You should start with choir focusing on how you took a decision and gained as a person.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "It's a dangerous place"; UC Common App/ World I come from [13]

Here's the revised draft with the conclusion.Hope you guys can help me strengthen it! Any comments will be very appreciated :)

We were closing towards the gates now. I stepped out, expecting to hear the familiar flow of Arabic in the air. I was used to the busy morning commotion, and I wondered why everything felt so still. There was a strange sound in the distance, of a language I had never heard before. Like a rush, more sounds descended across the air: Russian, Japanese, French, more languages than I could count. It never occurred to me at that instant, that this was the start of a new life for me. I stood there, my initial fear turning into an urge to understand the words, and the stories of those who spoke them.

Our family members and friends were convinced that the new international school was bound to change me. "How could a girl so young grow among such conflicting view points", they reasoned, "without getting confused about what's right or wrong?" "She will have no guidance, no link with our culture", my aunt said. She paused, trying to conjure the words, "she will break apart someday... "

I lived my entire life in the Middle East, but the boundaries of my world do not stop there. The diversity that surrounded me led me to realize that the world contains so many secrets, and everything around me sparked questions I tried to answer. My friend Shuriti would mention her last holiday in India and my mind would run wild imagining the way it feels to walk in the streets of Calcutta or be amidst the exotic music of a festival; One question would lead to another until I find myself searching for the history of Indian festivals, what they mean and what they signify. I would be moved to try Asian food my friend's mother made, to learn some Russian and Chinese words with pride, for within them I was learning exclusive feelings of a culture. I would watch the Lebanese dabka performance and wonder how such a dance originated.

I kept asking questions, finding within every answer an understanding and appreciation of different perspectives. However, the more I learnt about different cultures, the more I became drawn to learn about my own heritage. I could see what was distinct about the Egyptian way of life: the feel of an Egyptian wedding, the intricate method of preparing food, and the hospitable nature of Egyptian people. I fell in love with Egyptian literature and writers like Naguib Mahfouz. While Arabic in our school was only a second language, I strived to surpass that level and spent many days after school ameliorating my Arabic writing skills.

I was inspired by my heritage to write, and I began to compose poems and stories that my friends eyed with disbelief. "I never knew Arabic was so beautiful" they said after I translated the words. They too wanted to comprehend the history behind that language. At a family meeting, after I read one of my Arabic poems, my family looked with incredulity.

"Come and sit beside me, for I was a poet too." My aunt said, with tears in her eyes. That day, I managed to dispel stereotypes about diversity.

My world led me to find my own voice. It led me to realize that those who leave a mark are not afraid of being different. Because I grew between worlds so radical, I am not afraid of being the first at anything I do. I have a determination to find the answers, an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that brings me here: to a place where I can begin not with answers but with questions, where I will bring my own color along.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Flowers for a 90-year-old Ophelia" --Princeton U prompt [4]

This is amazing,and you managed to make it clearer!

"that she was sinking in dark waters, readying to take her own life" Should be ready.
"But to me, she could have done with more lively children: flowers." Just to be on the safe side, don't start with but. I felt she could have done with more lively children: flowers.

She responds with a smile that shone with a brightness that trumped the sun's, of genuineness beyond understanding. should be with not of

Loved this essay,especially the conclusion! Hope you manage to take a look at my essay ,your a great writer and the fact that you manage to make an essay about your grandma so unique will differentiate you from the pool of other applicants.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / " life is full obstcacles" - Gap Year essay [6]

Hi! I took a gap year myself and I think you did a great job writing how you used this as an opportunity to grow, but my only comment is to get the point directly. You dont need to mention that the way people handle hardships diffrentiates them- they already know that. Let them see through your essay how you have handled this circumstance effectively- donot tell them that.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a script for a Hollywood movie' - Texas A&M [9]

Hi! This essay is good but it can be improved. You can talk about your father and the hardships he managed to overcome and how he never gave up and then incorporate that with how you take this inspiration in everythin you do.Think about how your fathers story affects you: how do you feel when your verge of giving up? You need to show college how this experience makes a better person, not your father! So condense the story- although its is very intresting- and get to the point where you show how it affects you.
blueshore   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 "My room of rest" [17]

I enjoyed reading this! definitely a stronger version of the first draft.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Mr. Lundin, an unusual teacher' - UC Promt # 1 [8]

This was beautiful. You manage to describe your biology teacher and show his influence on you with great detail. Maybe just some minor changes like "metamorphesed" may be changed into something like altered.

The last sentence may be reworded as : However, now this path has a destination.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Live Borderless' - Why UChicago? [4]

WOWW! This essay manages to show that you are in fact intrested in U of Chicago.Good job!
"Whenever I received The Life of the Mind in the mail, I realized that " : this needs rewording
Overall very well-supported and loved the intro!
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'All math problems' - UC Transfer Personal Statement #1 [4]

Hi ! I think your story is very unique, but you need to answer how that affects your passion for maths.Maybe you can use this to say how maths was the only thing you felt made sense, within its equations and problems, you felt more capable. Talk about why you chose maths as a major and how that relates to the unique experiences you faced when you were younger.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the first day of my new job' - the 87th page of your autobiography [7]

I think it can work, but only if your careful, because if you want to mention a lot of things then it will be very ineffective. I think you should brainstorm and decide the main topic, the quality you want to portray and talk about a significant instant where that happened.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / child abuse for UC admissions essay topic [5]

I agree that this has a lot of potential, but remember to keep most of the essay positive. You want to briefly go over the dark oart and speak about how you overcame that difficulty. Good luck!
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist' - UT, something of importance to you [6]

Beautiful ! Yoy have managed to make this about you. It just has some grammatical mistakes like "My family once immigrated to the United States from Jordan saw the opportunity of freedom and women rights glimmering, something we didn't see much of" it should be something like After my family emigrated to the united states, we saw freedom and women's right glimmering for the first time.

For the next sentence I would suggest something like :When I used to think about home, I would be lost in despration."when is it going to end?"

"kerman is the start for a bigger"
should be greater

My generation in Middle East, with all the people yet waking up to the hypocrisy played against them, will know that the dream of freedom isn't far away, like a dreamy vision of the future, and that it's all in their hands, to act or not to act.

remove with all the people... since it makes this sentence very wordy. maybe you can add it as a sentence on its own. remove to act or not to act.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'why is learning important?' - University of Chicago--your own question [5]

I am glad my comments helped you , and the new draft has improved greatly. Still , your essay can stand out more by working on your three body paragraphs. Keep in mind that you need to show, not tell. The fact that your mother was into music would have been a very important addition, if your whole essay was about music. Yet in the paragraph about music I want to see more examples of how playing music affects you : does it leave you feeling satisfied or at ease? How does it help you in other matters? Is there a certain time where you can remember that shows how music is.

"Jazz in particular appeals to me in tha t it requires an extraordinary amount of creativity to play, which makes playing the guitar such an exhilarating experience. Classical music, especially Mozart, Beethoven, and Debussy's piano sonatas, have captivated my imagination recently. The pure emotion captured by their music moves me every time I listen to them without fail. Though I do not intend to turn music into a career, I do plan on keeping music an integral part of my life." More like this, remember no facts allowed! bring your examples to live.

I find that philosophy is the perfect discipline for me in that I can read the works of such famous philosophers as Plato or Kant and at the same time enrich my understanding of the world and my place in it. Through intense discussion and many hours of dissecting idea, my writing and reading comprehension skills have improved immensely. I view college as the perfect opportunity to pursue my interest in philosophy elaborate more on this , and elimiante the part on how you wont be able once your in college.

The last paragraph was great! I know that you have a wonderful personal statement coming.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist' - UT, something of importance to you [6]

Marah this has improved a lot! You should be proud of the effort you put into this. Now it has become more personal and sincere. I would just say that you need to incorporate all have said into the last two paragraphs - as in make them about you. Talk about how you want to be part of the change - talk about how you will resist giving up your own dreams and be specific what they are.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "It's a dangerous place"; UC Common App/ World I come from [13]

Thank you very much!

I was stuck with the conclusion, and I hope you guys could help me with it.

My world led to me to find my own voice. It led me to realize that those who leave a mark are not afraid of being different. Because I grew between worlds so radical, I am not afraid of being the first at anything I do. I have a determination to find the answers, an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that brings me here: to a place where I can begin not with answers but with questions, where I will bring my own color along.
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'To show the girls in Egypt the light within knowledge' - UC 2 I believe I can [11]

Does it seem clear? Any comments are appreciated! Thank you very much

Tell us about a quality or accomplishment that makes you proud:

Its 2:00 pm. The tiny room is empty except for a couple of chairs.

She approaches me, " Sarah...Are you sure you can do this?" her eyes try to read my expression. I don't answer her. In my mind, I am back to the first time I tried teaching.

"I am failing English." Ashley said; her report card safely packed away.
"Maybe I can help?" I ask.
"I know I will never be good at this."

Every weekend she would come so I could help her with literature and poetry. Sometimes I felt frustrated, while I saw poetry as a beautiful expression of nuances of feelings, she could not relate to it. I found out that I had to search for her links, not mine. Therefore, I tried to link characters to people we knew as we looked at their motives, and to make grammar come alive by singing the words so the flows would appear. She was getting better, day by day. One day I brought a painting Ashley had drew and told her to describe what she meant by it. She looked at me not finding the words; I knew that feeling of ineffability, and I wanted to show her how words could be explained. "Read this", I told her, showing her a descriptive poem. She felt the words flowing, and her eyes lit. At that instance, I saw change, the power within it. It was then that I realized that teaching could be a means of defying walls- walls that hinder our potential to grow and expand.

I became a teacher. Every time I went to the board, my aim was to enlighten knowledge and to help others realize that change was possible and attainable. When I teach I feel that I can have an impact on those around me, and my own fear of making mistakes diminishes.

When I moved to Egypt, I found that people who could not afford private education were trapped with no means of improvement,and I decided to do something. I spent many sleepless nights working on how I would show the girls the light within knowledge, through it shining their prospects and abilities.

Now as the charity head asks the question, I look at her, this time meeting her eyes:

"Yes .I believe I can."
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Essay about Inspiration as a teacher [6]

Its 2:00 pm . The tiny room is empty except for a couple of chairs.

She approaches me, " Sarah...Are you sure you can do this?" her eyes try to read my expression. I don't answer her. Her question makes me remember the first time I tried teaching.

"I will never be good at this", Ashley said with absolute conviction. "Why not? ", I ask as she folds her last exam report." I almost failed." She replies with dejection

I offered to help her study every weekend. While I saw poetry as a beautiful reflection of thought, Ashley felt trapped and confused. Every week I would try something new to help her relate to poetry. I would ask her to draw something, and then ask tell to describe the drawing- linking that feeling of ineffability- to poems that describe nature. I would sing them out, or create a unique story. Week after week, Ashley discovered that she was wrong, that in fact she could get it. I had my own discovery too, because I found out that I loved teaching, there was a fulfilling a satisfaction when I saw a change in my friend's eyes - a passion that I managed to transmute.

I loved knowledge: the pristine nature of it, the links been the information we use and the real world. I didn't see it as random facts ,but as points on a circle, each followed by another, each equally important.

When I get on the board that is what I try to do : to show students how the nuances of feelings in poetry may be linked to the exhilaration after winning a match, or painting. To make equations seem less daunting, most importantly to prove that there should be no walls in learning.

When I moved to Egypt, I found that people who could not afford private education had very few opportunities for improvement. I could not go on knowing that there was something I may do to change that, and not try. So for weeks I spent many sleepless nights planning how I would manage to inspire these girls to see the light in knowledge, to realize within it that they have more potential than they knew.

Now as the charity head asks the question, I look at her, this time meeting her eyes:

"yes I believe I can."
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist' - UT, something of importance to you [6]

I like the fact that you chose to write about this, and I have a few suggestions for making this better : talk about how Kerman's attributes inspire you to work now that you understand you have a greater chance of gaining acclaim. What about her is similar to you? is is the determination to succeed? The ability to initiate change? Describe by showing : show by examples how you are affected or are similar to her. Maybe you should start with an introduction that speaks about an incident where you felt limited as a woman, or felt that you were not afraid and then link that to how you feel about Kerman.Do not write her history, instead use every detail prudently and with purpose to show how that relates to you. In the introduction I think it would be very effective if you end with a goal or dream and how you have more hope of attaining it now that the world recognizes the efforts of young women. Hope this was helpful!
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Carpe Diem" UC #2- World you come from.. [6]

I think you can keep the first paragraph, but link it to the conclusion. As in talk about you world and say how that has influenced you to be a dreamer. Very interesting story! I was planning to submit mine too but I didn't manage. Would really appreciate it if you could give me feedback! thanks and goodluck!
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my parents were like the Sun' - UC Prompt #1 [5]

The first two paragraphs are very thoughtful and well written, you manage to draw the readers with your creative writing style. I think you may strengthen your point more by talking about how you learnt to be your own star in the last two paragraphs : make it tangible, show how that has changed you. You need to show not tell

"The absence of my parents led to new, stronger, and more meaningful relationships with people that helped to fill the gap my parents left. This disorder also taught me to take the unexpected twists and turns of life as they come, and I now have the confidence in knowing that I can endure whatever else life has in store for me. " This is a very good point, elaborate on how you are ready for life's turns and twists- the fact that you know you survived your parents divorced? Or the fact that you can rely on yourself?

"I am now my own star. My decisions and belief about who I am no longer revolve around my parents, but around myself, thanks to the self-awareness I've gained from this struggle." This may be reworded differently. Overall beautiful essay!
blueshore   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'students were throwing a handball inside the classroom' - Macaulay ethical [4]

Hi! Although this does answer the prompt, you need to add more deepness to it. Try to combine the story of the ball tossing and make it shorter, so you can talk about how you realized that very small choices could have bigger implications. You can refer to how that small incident led to a stronger friendship, and led to realize that you will not comprise your values under any circumstance. Draw a conclusion that shows how you look at life and how you are ready to meet the ethical problems in the future.
blueshore   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to be a programmer' - Essay about what is your something [4]

Very Very intresting! I would say that you manage to support your ideas very well, but your essay would stand out more if you describe how nexon inspired you to become a programmer in the introduction, then move on to show why programming is important to you.

The conclusion just needs some more polishing so it appears stronger : describe how you feel about doing something with so much creativity involved - and how that pushes you to work harder.

or to use
not using
blueshore   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "Abusive Egyptian Military Rule's impact on me" Macaulay Prompt [6]

You chose a very important matter to write about, and I know that it may get unintentional to speak a lot about it, but you need to talk about yourself. How does the injustice in egypt make you a better candidate for college? Does it inspire you to advocate for human rights? Does it make you intrested in international politics? You need to talk more about yourself
blueshore   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'why is learning important?' - University of Chicago--your own question [5]

Hi! I think that although you have a lot going on, you need to condense it and focus about something in particular. I dont know about word limit, but I am sure that a shorter essay will be easier to read. I can see without doubt that you are a great writer : so here are my suggestions

1. You can do so much more in your introduction. " What exactly is the question, however? It is very difficult to phrase; the exact wording of it often eludes me. Only through a significant amount o f thinking have I been able to come up with what I feel is a succinct, well-phrased version of my question: why is learning important, and what do I want to study the most?"

You can just get to the heart of what you want to say instead. You need to make sure every single sentence takes you somewhere, or else you will lose your readers attention. How about you start with a specific instance that made you think about learning? Was it when you were younger, or did you get an epiphany learning music? Be specific, be unique.

2. "Learning is important for several obvious and not-so-obvious reasons. The clear benefits of learning are more practical: going to college and graduate school helps one obtain a job and hopefully success. That one is obvious. A second obvious benefit is social. Well-read people are able to enhance discussions with references to great works, such as Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment or Homer's The Iliad. Having taken a course on such great works, I found it invaluable to be able to understand the plethora of allusions to great works that are often made. Being knowledgeable opens up an entirely new world of thought, and that is a fact that many people overlook"

This paragraoh takes too long until you get to what you mean! Why would you want to talk about reasons everyone knows? The people reading this want to see how reading is meaningful to you, again if you want to talk about how certain books you read helped you, by all means to get to it without lengthy introductions.

3. I like the fact that you talk about philosophy and music : but you spend less time talking about how that makes you feel, or how you use them to express yourself and again include needless factual data. Talk about the feeling you get whenever you learn to play a new piece, explain how you realte philosophy to daily matters.

I really think you can bring this to teh next level by keeping it personal and outlining the points. Look at what you have written and ask yourself how that relates to you and your passion for learning.

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